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[serowoenin]

September 3rd, 2020

You know how I said I was bad at this? Turns out I’m HORRIBLE. Also turns out--when I thought life couldn’t get any worse...2020 happened. I am no longer married, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in May, my summer was a rollercoaster ride and I ended up in rehab....oh and I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant with my second child. Buckle up, it only gets better from here and I am determined to make sure I become healthy and happy. Not relying on anyone but myself so that I can turn my life around for my children. I was very discouraged but honestly, I feel like I have to take the bull by the horns (I fuckin hate that saying but whatever) and do what I have to do to be the best me I can. I’m not recapping the trauma I went through this year, because it does not defy who I am or who I will become. What has already happened has happened and I no longer wish to dwell upon it or let it make me a victim. I am a survivor, I am a fighter...and I fuckin got this !

[serowoenin]

[serowoenin]

December 24th

   Boy--am I bad at blogging. In my defense, I am a mom to an almost 2 year old and have never been good at consistently doing healthy coping skills. Let’s see what has happened in the past week..several mental breakdowns, 1 drunk man try to get into my car at a red light, 1 person try to drug my friend at a club, 7 nights of insomnia, unlimited amount of rude ass old people give me dirty looks when I go shopping and a whole lot of money spent on bills and Christmas. 

   Living with my in-laws is anxiety-inducing...but that seems like a bit of an understatement. See--prior to moving in I thought my brother-in-law would take his dog (she is a great dane) with him but instead he left her here and volunteered me (which I do NOT want to take care of her...I am stressed enough taking care of MY CHILD and trying to take care of my mental health. She’s NOT MY DOG OR RESPONSIBILITY!) and my husband to do that. I can handle my son, but being a stay-at-home mom and dealing with him crying and then her barking LOUD AS FUCK is the root of my problems. When I express this, everyone looks at me like I’m speaking chinese and makes me out to be the problem. I do plan on moving out...like probably next week because I can’t take this anymore. I honestly am venting/ranting at this point but I honestly with everything in me cannot keep doing things to please other people when it is causing me extreme anxiety, stress and to the point where I can’t eat or sleep. I hate a loud, chaotic house and this place is driving me up the wall. I cry every single day at least once and everyone just invalidates how I feel and acts like I am being dramatic. I can’t do it anymore and I am about to give up. I can’t keep living with my anxiety crushing me and suffocating me. If I didn’t have my son I would’ve killed myself a long time ago because it’s too much to handle. My anxiety gives me anxiety because it makes me feel so burdensome. I can’t take my husband rolling his eyes when I have a breakdown or not caring. I can’t take any of this anymore. I just want to grab my son and move somewhere else..alone. 

  This started off as one thing but honestly I don’t know what to do anymore and I am losing hope. I have hardly any friends, no one understand and I feel like I am never going to get out of this emotional hole. It gets deeper and deeper every year and I can’t take one more moment of this. I applied to college and it isn’t fair that I have to put myself through this where I should FEEL AT HOME. I’m hoping things get better soon because this is driving me mad...

[serowoenin]

December 17th

     Today is my third official day of sobriety...from smoking weed that is. I know–funny thing to be writing about or even referring to being sober from. But honestly, I have been having a bad time dealing with my mental illnesses and for the longest time I thought weed was my saving grace. I was WRONG.

   I guess to give you a run down of how I even got here in the first place, at least I think this is where it all started, I have to go all the way back to 2017 and give a not-so-brief-but-not-so-detailed little rundown. Let’s begin:

May 2015- I moved out of my parents at 17 to live with other family because I was having problems at home. In actuality, I was going through some severe depression and didn’t know it…but was also doing angsty teenage stuff so there is that.

August 2015- SURPRISE! Found out I was pregnant a day before entering my senior year of high school. Judge all you want–I know I am such a whore for getting pregnant at 17. NEXT.

October 2015- I miscarried my child, was considered homeless, on the brink of dropping out of school and–had my first suicide attempt.

November 2015- I was in a mental hospital from Halloween until the 17th when I finally moved into a group home. Because I was still 17, I became a ward of the state and entered the foster care system.

December 2017- After a lot of CBT, meeting with a psychiatrist and a difficult face-to-face with my mom–I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and a bunch of other shit that I take with a grain of salt and don’t let defy me.

February 2016- I met a boy, that boy changed my life–he became my everything. His name was Luke.

April 2016- I graduated high school, turned 18 and–SURPRIIIISE! I got kicked out of my group home because they “accidentally” terminated my case. (Which coincidentally was 3 days after my 18th birthday)

May 2016- Luke’s family took me in and I moved in with his grandmother. She and I became super close and I got accepted into a technical college.

August 2016- I worked all summer and saved up for my own apartment…also started college. But I had to do something that was difficult for the sake of my mentality. 

September 2016- I broke up with Luke. I loved him and it was difficult but I needed time to figure out me. It did not end well. Also lost access to my medication, psychiatrist and well…any mental support I needed. As I had no license or car.

October 2016 - April 2017 Let’s just say I had a lot of fun until I didn’t. I wanted the full college experience. But I missed my Luke…but fuck that we move forward NOT backwards. Smoked weed regularly.

April 2017- I shaved my head bald…and smoked weed.

May 2017- I met someone else and was struggling financially living on my own.

June 2017- I moved in with my new partner and his family to avoid being homeless again and to save for a new place. It was a mistake. He was abusive. His mothers did NOT care but I had no where else to go.

July 2017- SURPRISE! Found out I was pregnant by my abusive asshole of a partner. Quit smoking weed.

August 2017- I moved out because I couldn’t take the physical and psychological abuse anymore. Moved in with friends–but that proved to be difficult as they had their own lives and it wasn’t a good environment for a pregnant me.

October 2017- Moved back in with abusive partner…I know, I know—but he had a way of making me believe he would change for the sake of our child.

January 2018- Went back to school and while things were fine for a few months…old habits started again. 

February 2018- Had a very scary incident that ended in my abuser being arrested and charged with DV/Assault. I still believed him when he and his mothers said he would change….he got out on an OR.

April 2018- POPPED THAT BUN RIGHT MF OUT MY OVEN. Had to go to court 3 days after giving birth–my abuser was put on probation for 2 years and then proceeded to quit his job.

May 2018- The abuse got worse and for the protection of my son I left. Got a restraining order for my son and I. This would be the last time my son and I see my abuser. 

June 2018- Reconnected with an old friend–Luke. I know what I said about moving forward but--mind ya business. I also started smoking weed again.

August 2018- Luke asked for my hand in marriage and we moved in together…he helped me with my KJ every step of the way.

September 2018- Got married to my Luke, felt safe and happy.

March 2019- Nothing really happened from September to March…but in March Luke filed for step-parent adoption.

April 2019- KJ turned 1, we went on vacation for a week in Texas, I turned 21 and my abuser gave our attorney/the courts consent for the adoption. It was over…but the damage was still done and I was still smoking weed. HEAVY. Started working again.

August 2019- My brother-in-law got married. Things were stressful because of problems in my marriage but I had my weed there to comfort me and make it all go away.

September 2019- Had our 1 year wedding anniversary. Still was having problems, but weed made it all go away.

October 2019- Moved in with my Luke’s parents. The adoption became finalized and I got a new job (my previous job had been seasonal). Smoking a LOT more.

November 2019- Adjusting to living with the in-laws…finally addressed marriage problems and worked through them. Smoking heaviest I’ve ever smoked in my life. Quit my new job because they were on some bullshit. (Fuck Target)

     Which brings us to December! On the 14th day of this very fun month I decided I would be smoking my final blunt. Am I against weed? Obviously not. Will I eventually smoke again? Honestly don’t plan on it. The 15th was my first day without weed and I am not going to lie–a bitch wanted to smoke. I was so irritable, angry, sad, happy…every emotion I feel like I blocked out smoking for that long I felt at once. The second day was better but I my had moments.

   The 16th I decided to keep myself busy to curb cravings so I ate healthy, exercised and did crafts with KJ and Luke. It wasn’t as hard falling asleep but staying asleep was definitely a problem. My heart keeps racing to the point where I wake up with severe anxiety and then I fall back asleep. I do, however, have a lot more energy and don’t feel nearly as sluggish as when I would smoke before bed. 

   Finally, we make it to today! I didn’t go into great detail recounting what has happened but I feel like writing it all out int a timeline and processing it will help me with actually dealing with my issues. I am seeking a psychiatrist and hoping to get to a place where my depression doesn’t control me but it will take time. I don’t want to be the way I am–I know I won’t be able to completely get rid of what I have but I do want to take control of ME again. I haven’t felt like myself in so long but I know that discovering and shaping myself into who I want to be as a wife, mother, friend and person will be so much better with the current support system I have. I had no idea how to start my first post but–this honestly seems like a good foundation to me. Eh?

Any suggestions for the next post?