shameonmeeguiltypleasure - Tumblr blog

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

I didn't want to die.

I just didn't want to disappoint you.

I didn't feel I had value.

I didn't want to live the way you wanted me to.

You had such high expectations and I had no wings to reach them.

I tried to swim through the currents.

I thought I'd survive so long as the waters reflected the clouds in the sky.

I hoped you'd be satisfied.

I didn't mean to drown.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you I couldn't swim.

Maybe then, you could've helped.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Do you ever hate how every breath you take.....feels as if it is stolen?

I do .....

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Sometimes I think I'm dying.....

That the inevitable end is near.

I wake and think "has it happened yet?"

I sleep and think "Will it be tonight?"

I eat and think " I'm not even hungry.."

I laugh and think " God do I ever shut up?"

I cry and think " Fuck this, when will it end!?"

I scream in silence and hope it all ends.

Sometimes I think I'm dying....

Dying to love, dying to sleep, dying to live.

Sometimes I think.... Maybe it's already happened.

Maybe I'm already dead and this is my afterlife.... Continuous anxiety on when it'll all end.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Sleeping pills:

The weirdest part of starting sleeping pills.....is feeling well rested, but unsure if you're still asleep.

I'm a dreamer.....and insomniac but when I manage those blissful moments of sweet surrender to exhaustion and sleep..... I come to life in my dreams.

It's been rough these past few weeks..... unfulfilled and routine....with passion and excitement being fleeting and far too expensive......

I was tired.....I am tired.....

I know sadness.... Depression has been a battlefield of friendship and rivalry for the past 4 years- officially- 13 years undiagnosed.....

But I'm not sad lately..... Just tired.

Always tired - as if time is non existent, as if colour in the world is dulling with every waking second. As if I live my days from blink to blink.

Somedays I feel as if I am an imposter in my body and mind...

An imposter because the sadness that had been a constant has abandoned me and all I feel is lonelinesss.

My lonelinesss is a choice.

I could fix it, change it?, surround myself and fill my empty chest with bonds and relations. I could invest properly as I did all those years ago as a youthful pre-teen eager and full of energy......

But I'm just too tired......

I'm so fucking tired.

The true cause of death for majority of society these days is exhaustion...... Like weathered stone constantly bashed against by a torment of storms, waves or rough treatment........

Breathing is death.

Sleeping is death.

Living to die....... is all I feel I'm doing.

I've started taking sleeping pills to silence my mind and finally rest.......

What's weird is that it feels like death.....and I no longer know if I am dreaming in the waking world.....or already dead.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Polin prompt: For Spooky Season?

Been awhile, and I just finished watching Fall of the house of Usher on Netflix (real interesting watch) and idk....maybe it's cause it's spooky season?

But the idea is:

A) Portia Featherington or Archibald Featherington make a deal with Verna to save their titles, family or fortune.

- The price is the happiness and guaranteed living suffering of any of the children born to them.

- Portia manages to negotiate with Verna into tweaking the deal to have a timer (aka till her children secure stability on their own) sacrificing her empathy to seal it.

- Archibald was confident he would only have one child and it would be a son, so when Verna asked for the presence of his third born, he easily agreed. He ignored the warnings Verna gave along with her bargain, greedy for her offer.

* Cue the freedom of the writer to create*

B) Penelope made a deal with Verna a long long time ago, and Verna has come to collect.

- Idk why but I have this scene in my head where Penelope is being haunted by a dead Marina (who was a consequence/price for one of Penelope's choices)

- And then bit by bit the happy ending Penelope lives begins to crumble until, she goes insanes and is stuck being haunted with the ghostly consequences of her greed.

- In my head, Colin's either the doctor who is trying to help her through her delusions in the asylum, or he's one of her ghosts......

BONUS idea: Colin is the ghost that haunts Penelope because she didn't realise she was trading Colin for the Family she wanted to start...... *extra points if it's gruesome 👀*

( See if I write any of this...with my current mental health....it'll become a real gruesome bloody mess that not many will like.....like there will be no happy ending......)

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

BREAKING NEWS: Writer discovers for the millionth time that they can write whatever they want. Join us now to see if the lesson will stick.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

SMb author life update 2: Where I rant vent bout my life lol

Sooooo I'm tipsy tired drunk at the moment, but if this were a movie or tv show....I think we've reached the point of this Boss and me saga where I relalosed the flaws to my crush....😅👀

They're not complete turn offs but....their significantly relevant if anything were to happen between us ....

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

SMB Author Life Update 1: Where I just rant about my life right now (lol)

Hey..... been awhile.

So full disclosure, I haven't written a word in over almost a month now for any of my stories.

Sad but it's true

And to be completely honest, it was because my mental hasn't been all too healthy these past few weeks. If any of yous were reading my gay zone Colin fic....it's the best example to show how my mental was going to some rather dark places (aka how the fic started of crack funny and ended with the dubious consent/rape themes in the last chapter 😅)

So to deal with my mental health, I took a break from writing and reading fanfiction, took 2wks leave from work and ran away to Fiji for a week.

It helped me loads and I'm now refreshed and back in a better metal space.

Problem? Motivation/inspiration to write is still low when it comes to fanfiction....

...and also because I have some real life ridiculousness happening to me .....

Idk if I shared it here or not but yo.....this unprofessional crush I have on one of the Team Managers in my department at work is just.....oof.....too much.

It all started with a spicy dream, the evil whispers of my cousin, and my bitch of a period.

Personally, I always know when my period is on her way because my horny levels go from 25% to 1000 👀

I also have a certain type when it comes to male partners......Deep voices, Asian eyes, older than me, wide and cuddly body types who knows how to de-escalate and take charge in high stressed situations.

A little background about this Team Manger/ One of my Bosses:

- He's 1 or 2 years older than me

- We went to the same High school

- I'm friends with his cousin

- He was rather popular and friends with certain people in school, people I knew but didn't exactly mesh with.

- I remember him from school because, while we never said a word to each other or interacted in any way then, I was interested when I first saw him in school cause he was physically my type.

*Note: I have this thing where I dont date or fool around with anyone who runs or knows ppl I associate with. So after I found out he was my friends cousin..... I immediately blocked all attraction thoughts in my head*

ANYWAAAAAY..

My period was on her way and I was stressed asf, so I was chatting with my cousin via FT and she's nagging me about finding someone to settle down with. She bugs me about cute guys at work until I finally gave and admit that my boss is exactly my type.

It was a mistake because my cousin proceeds to grill me with a million questions and by the end of the call, I've already pictured what our children will look like together.

It was supposed to be harmless chatter.....but it unfortunately unleashed all my bottled up Attraction I'd been ignoring ( SINCE HIGH SCHOOL BTW!!!)

And so came the spicy dream......

(I will post more about this in part two later...cause holy shit I'm not done with this REAL LIFE WATTPAD SAGA of my life 🙃🙃🙃)

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Advice please:

So, for anyone reading my fic 'I just wanna make you feel okay' on A03, if you've read chapter 8 some might find it's taken a rather dark(?) Ethically dubious turn in regards to consent.

I've stated in the tags and previous a/n that the fic wasn't supposed to be serious and that it was me just posting raw word vomit and not editing. I didn't edit, I didn't overthink or consider logistics etc, I just wrote the chapters as they formed and posted it.

It's still quite early, but a few comments on the latest chapter has me feeling incredibly conflicted and concerned about the content, rating and development of the fic......

It's come a long way from the crack like vibes of the first few chapters, but Colin and Portia's actions have disturbed some readers, which wasn't my intention in anyway.

I feel really bad for causing such upset for some readers, as again I as the writer hadn't been deeply thinking about how things might read and only wanted to write and share. I took immediate action to update tags and include a warning for the chapter to accommodate for readers.

But despite this, I still feel incredibly guilty for even stirring such discomfort.

I very much understand the importance of consent and the discomfort/ trigger of reading content that touches on such themes. It is because of this I do my best to include tags of relevance and trigger warnings as soon as Im aware of the possibility.

But.... I feel incredibly conflicted now regarding this fic. On one hand, I've warned readers this fic is word vomit and not to be taken seriously as I'm not editing or thinking deeply about it's progress. On the other, I was slow to include tags/warnings regarding the dubiousness of consent themes and rape aspects and allowed readers to commit to a fic that is now far from what they first read....

I'm no longer sure if I'm comfortable keeping the Chapter up because of this.....but am also reluctant to remove the chapter as I feel I've done my best to accommodate for readers discomfort as soon as I was made aware.....

I guess, I'm just wanting to know how fellow writers/fanfiction writers deal with the commentary of discomforted readers?

Let me be clear: the comments have been polite, constructive/analytical and nowhere near hateful..... But they are upsetting to read.

I feel the need to apologize to every commenter that expresses their discomfort and implied disappointment about the fics development, but feel if I commit to doing so I might as well remove the fic entirely.

Gaaaarrrgh...... Some advice would be greatly appreciated!

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Just an Idea:

Delinquent Colin gets proposed to by little Penelope Featherington (5-7year Age gap maybe?)

Colin struggles after the death of his dad and starts down a path of delinquent behavior. He's ditching school, getting tangled in fights and avoiding home for longer hours. Until after one particular vicious beat down against a group of thuggish teens leaves him victorious but bleeding in an alley. Colin thinks this is it, he's pushed his luck too far .....

"Oh No!" A high pitched voice cried in fear.

He blearily looks up and meets the gaze of a tiny little cherub of a girl.

"You can't die! I haven't asked you to marry me yet!!" She panics.

Colin freezes at the absurdness of his life that he laughs despite the hurt.

"Well, that wouldn't be very well done of me...." He chuckles with a wince.

The girls eyes are filled with tears and it's only then that he notices the wilting yellow flowers in her pudgy grip. She has to be the same age as Eloise, possibly younger, but it only serves in Colin thinking her absolutely adorable in her innocence.

He blinks as she suddenly takes a deep breath and thrusts the yellow flowers in his face with determination.

"My name is Penelope Featherington and one day I'm going to marry you and be your wife!"

If Colin had known how fateful this moment would be for his future, perhaps he would have done something different.

But faced with such an innocent proposal from an adorable little girl who was nothing like his annoying sisters, Colin merely grinned accepted the yellow bouquet.

"I guess I really can't die until then...." He teased with a bloody grin.

He manages to convince the newly introduced Penelope to hurry off and seek help without promising to stay put. Once she leaves, he forces himself to limp back home. It's not till he's survived the wrath of Anthony and been throughly punished that he thinks back on the unexpected proposal. He remembers the yellow bouquet and cant help the amused chuckle he gives at the memory.

He doesn't know why, or even intends to keep the memory of his first ever proposal a secret....even as the years pass and Eloise talks his ear off about a new friend she's made named Penelope. Colin keeps his distance from home, dedicating himself first to boarding school in his early years of high school, then overseas exchanges, then studying overseas which later developed into travel blogging.

When Colin officially encounters Penelope for the second time in his life, she's no longer the child of his memory but a woman grown ..... And seems to believe that the boy she proposed to died years ago in the very alley way they met.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Fic Update:

New Chap for Gayzoned Colin Fic Uploaded :)

(Ends in a bitty of a cliffy, but has a few laughs. Read at own Risk)

*I know ya'll be missing SMB, but it's coming. I promise. I hope to get you all 4 chapters by November. But again, no promises because muses are fleeting, Depression is unpredictable and life likes to fuck me over. Love you all for the support tho xx*

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

WAIT WHEN DID PENELOPE DIE?! George’s snippet mentioned her being dead!

Tbh, hadn't properly mapped out the timeline and kinda just put in a random age for George. But when that scene happened.... Pen has unfortunately passed.....

The idea is that George goes to spend time with the Cranes about a year or two after Pen has died because Agatha (who had to step up for her siblings due to Colin's grief spiral) thought it would be safest for him as Thomas and Jane have proven to be incredibly...volatile when it came to grief.

It was just a bonus that having George stay with the Cranes helped Eloise out of her grief.

I'm pretty sure I shared something a while back about my headcannon/imagines for the Polin babes characteristics....

(found the link!!)

I headcannon that Penelope dies before Colin, so yup....

Sorry not sorry 😅

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

SMB Future Gen: Polin baby dynamic ideas

Ive got a whole dynamic for the future gen of Bridgertons for my SMB verse. But really been refraining from writing or sharing about it because, again, we are nowhere near that point in the actual SMB fic.

But I really can't help but want to post a few ideas I have for the SMBPolin babes dynamics/Dark chaotic energy :

1) Oh Shit! Jane what did you do!?

Agatha swallowed as the warm liquid splatter on her cheeks cooled. Her eyes were unable to look away from the mess her baby sister had just made.

"Did she just-" Thomas numbly started to blurt but was cut off by the wrangled scream from the terrified and bloody woman underneath a gurgling body.

"Shut Up." Jane ordered with a hiss before flicking the blood off her quill and poising to continue taking the statement of the whimpering woman at their feet. "Now, repeat for me what you claimed to know about the truth of the infamous Sir Lee Anders and his Lady Red.."

Agatha swallowed and resisted the shudder from the cold of Jane's tone. Papa had always warned her that Jane had inherited far more of his temper than the rest of them... She didn't believe him till tonight. Ugh, and now she will need to call on cousin Neville for yet another favour. The things she did for her family.

2) Can I borrow that?

"Thomas.... is that my Pocket watch?" Miles questioned as he stared at the tiny pieces of his once intact pocket watch. While he had no real attachment to the item, it was still..... well.... it had been his.

"Oh, yes. Apologies I was meant to put that back together before you came to visit." Thomas explained as he continued to scribble in his leather skin note book what ever nonsense that churned about in his head.

"When did you take my pocket watch?" Miles continued to question. He oddly felt as if he was experiencing an out-of-body experience.

"Yesterday, when you bent to kiss Miss Lake's hand after your dance." Thomas absently answered as he grumbled and scratched something he had written.

"Thomas you stole from me...." Miles slowly pointed out as one would to a dimwit.

"It is not stealing if one intended to return what was taken. I borrowed it."

"Thomas..... THAT was a gift."

"Yes, one you barely cared for. By the way, can I borrow your footman?"

"No! LEST You try to disect the poor man as well!!" Miles exclaimed with exasperation. Thomas had the audacity to scoff as if it were Miles being ridiculous.

"Jane is the one with a stronger interest in biology, cousin, you know this."

Miles groaned into his palms and wondered how his Father survived the madness of his siblings genetics.

3) George Slow Down!!

"What do you mean you don't know how to- WATCH OUT!!"

George let out an uncharacteristic cackle that many wouldn't expect has he urged the horses to race faster. Oliver was screaming from his perch beside his cousin as they raced down dirt roads, thank fully empty, and skidded round corners. It wasn't until a wayward goat had found its way onto the middle of their path that Oliver truly felt terror.

"BRIDGERTOOOOOON!!!!"

"HIYAAAAH!!" George searched with a boisterous laugh.

Later, when they'd successfully parked the carriage before the Crane family home, where their siblings and one very amused Lady Eloise Crane waited, Oliver would deny what happened.

"George, You look a mess!?" Eloise exclaimed as she looked over the gentle mannered 16year old. George, with his windswept hair, plump cheeks and mothers eyes, simply shrugged in response.

"Brother?" Amanda called with concern.

Oliver did not reply, not when he was far too busy throwing up what little was in his stomach.

"Never again!" Oliver swore between heaves "You are never to be handed the reigns of any transportation so long as I live, George Michael Bridgerton!!"

George merely blinked in response, looking as deceivingly innocent as his late-mother. Eloise laughed, and if her laughter was tinged with the sound of grief, the children politely took no notice.

4) Ask me no questions and I shall tell you no lies.

Charlotte was nervous, who wouldn't be when one spent the better half of the evening dragging a man along the earthy ground in the dead of night.

"Aggie, are you sure-" Charlotte nervously fretted.

"Shh!" Agatha hushed before carefully adjusting the cloth covering the unconscious, possibly dead, Lord Murtle.

"Agatha, if my brothers or gods my father-"

"Lottie, enough! I'll handle it alright. This ain't the first time I've had to get rid of a Lord or two" Agatha huffed as she proceeded to carefully flit through the pockets of the unconscious figure.

"At least you clobbered him and not gutted him. A drunken wander into the streets proceeded by a mugging should do the trick.." Agatha mumbled.

Charlotte watched her younger cousin expertly strip the lord of his valubles and proceed to stage his plight with expertise. She had only wished to get him away from her, not knock him unconscious.

"Are we to simply leave him here?" Charlotte nervously fretted.

"Yes! Listen, it's best if you hurry home to mine, Thomas and Jane should be good to solidify an alibi for you. Seeing as no one even knows of my return to London, I can safely square everything away. No one will need to know of what could have happened between you and Mr Murtle. I promise!" Agatha assured.

Charlotte still looked hesitant as she glanced at the sheet covered form.

"But I- "

Agatha gripped her older cousin with both arms and sternly looked her deep in her eyes.

"He's not dead Lottie. You did nothing wrong. It was self-defense. Tomorrow, he'll wake with a headache and no memory at all of your encounter believing it a dream. Now go home."

With one last nudge, Charlotte finally left Agatha alone as instructed. Agatha waited until she was sure her cousin was far away from hearing range and sight. Only then did she bow her head and sigh.

From the shadows emerged a man, slow clapping dramatically. Agatha pinched at the bridge of her nose as the man joined her.

"I must say cousin, your ability to deceive is always so very fascinating to witness."

"Oh shut up Neville. Now grab his feet so we can be rid of this mess." Agatha hissed.

Neville Berbrooke grinned, the expression as flippant and airy as his mother.

"Grandmama always did say the mixing of Bridgertons and Featheringtons were sure to be a deadly combination..." Neville kicked the covered corpse with a snicker and smirked. "You still owe me for the last body I helped you bury, sweet Aggie"

Agatha sighed and glared down at the very dead Lord Murtle and lightly punched the arm of her snickering cousin. Undoubtedly, he was going to be insufferable about the many favours she owes.

"The things I do for family...." Agatha later sighed as she watched Neville sink the stone filled corpse into the depths of the sea.

With the help of her Maternal cousin, Agatha arranged the quiet disappearance of Lord Murtle with great care. A few paid whispers among the poor, a theatric performance from hired thugs, two or more manipulated witnesses from the ton and finally a stack of carefully forged letters confirming Mr Murtle's scandalous flee from society. It only took a week for Agatha to see the mess of Mr Murtle neatly tidied and forgotten.

"Aggie.... How did you do it? How did you convince Mr Murtle to flee town?" Charlotte curiously whispered once Mr Murtle's fate was publicly revealed to society.

Agatha laughed and shrugged "Just had a bit conversation with the man. Nothing to it. Believe me, Lottie, there very little talking to be had. Once he realized it was a Bridgerton he'd crossed, you could say the man was damned no matter what."

Agatha saw no reason to burden her cousin with the truth of what was truly and unfortunate accident.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

I just had a discussion with my friend about fanfiction and how we tend to assume that women are the writers without any actual proof. Then I said, hey, I know fanfiction written by gay and trans dudes. But then I remembered, wait, I think I know one writer who just must be cis het based on his work. Anyway, all writers, be honest, who are you?

Please reblog if you're interested in the results.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]