shikous-poems

[shikous-poems]

suddenly an hour's past.

was I here for that?

I try to visualize,

but all I see is black.

I skim over the scenes in my head.

there I was doing as I do.

then without warning,

a gap.

no trace,

no impression,

no vague feeling,

just empty.

disorientation -vertigo- is first.

prickling fear in my gut is second.

heavy sadness settles in third.

what happened?

where was I?

my clothes feel wrong.

did I do anything bad!?

what if this happens at a bad time!?

I don't want to miss something.

what if I miss time with loved ones?

what if I get pushed away?

I don't want to forget.

deciding I needed help came last.

[shikous-poems]

little bits of me continue to fall.

they flake off and stick to things.

so many ended up on him.

sprinkled through their hair.

lining the curves of his fingers.

I'm sure they've choked some down,

and I feel it when they're not here.

the sudden lapse of me.

the gasp of distance.

I can't feel whole without him now.

I'd never want to either.

I couldn't be happier.

bound forever to them,

by the way they keep me together.

[shikous-poems]

the shadows behind my eyelids,

find their way out and beyond.

they dance along the walls.

glancing as they flicker past

their visage hardly ever lasts.

must they be downcast,

I wonder?

I'd like to meet them.

ask of their days and troubles,

their nights and progression.

I'd like to offer them comfort.

a space for them to occupy.

an accepting presence.

let them know they don't have to hide.

they must be quite lonely,

darting as they do.

I know how heavy that can be.

I wish I could tell them,

"you needn't be lonely with me."

[shikous-poems]

i hate it.

i hate the burning in my chest.

i hate the weight pulling me down.

i hate spiraling alone in my room.

i hate it.

i want it gone.

i want to stop feeling this.

i want to feel like I'm good enough.

i want to feel worth keeping.

i want it gone.

i try so hard.

i try to keep up with things.

i try to cover everything I can.

i try putting on a good face.

i try so hard.

goodnight,

[shikous-poems]

gone is my mind.

my consciousness reduced,

diminished,

damaged.

holes agape and edges torn.

my thoughts slipping,

missing,

drifting.

there's a film over all I perceive.

my senses crost,

tossed,

lost.

gone is my mind.

[shikous-poems]

I don't know why I'm here.

do you?

would having a reason soothe me,

or would it inhibit further?

would it just add further weight

to my already crushing existence?

my very soul cries out for something.

though its exact shape eludes me,

I can tell I already have pieces of it.

waiting to be made complete.

all that I've done

and all that I've seen.

I couldn't forsake them if needed.

if it went against the reason for me.

I wouldn't give up any of it.

not the pain and strife,

nor the pleasure and comfort,

or anything between.

so I don't know why I'm here,

and I want it to stay that way.

[shikous-poems]

I feel unhinged,

but maybe only halfway?

akin to a shovel with a hole.

just about a quarter sized hole.

surely it works as intended.

not quite as efficiently as hoped.

there's a trail left behind it.

only a bit more trying.

I'm eccentric and queer.

perhaps even quaint,

but once the novelty is lost.

I'm just more work.

I hope you continue to find more.

more interesting quirks.

more ways I can be helpful.

more reasons to stay.

I'd like to think

I was made this way on purpose.

I'd like to think

I was made uniquely yours.

[shikous-poems]

it's like there's a pane of glass.

opaque when i try to look,

but in the corner of my eye I see you.

once my gaze lists to one side,

or I turn in an attempt to hide.

the barrier clears.

i only catch a glimpse.

pressing my hand to it doesn't help.

cold, hard, and fixed.

i wonder which of us is 'there.'

which is inside and safe.

[shikous-poems]

I'm sure I've said it before,

but it burns.

it's sticky and clinging.

it's crawling beneath my skin.

I need it out.

I don't want to suffer.

I don't want it to come back.

it should've left when they did.

they deserve this pain not me.

I destroyed myself for them.

yet they still keep me from rebuilding.

I scream into the void.

the darkness ever growing.

there's nothing to scream back.

I tear and rend over and over,

yet their traces are always left.

I can't get them out.

please get them out.

[shikous-poems]

I'm close enough to the edge,

to make my palms sweat.

the fear begs me to tip over.

My feet are twisted in roots.

they hold me steadily in place,

but also threaten to trip me.

Only if I move too suddenly.

if I'm careful and slow,

i surely will not end up below.

Critters and creatures come and go;

a snail, a pup, a cat, and others.

i enjoy their company immensely.

Some are shy and weary at first.

others cling to me immediately.

none mind the edge like I do.

I've never actually looked over it.

seen what the roots keep me from.

nor do I know what scares me so.

With the actions of my visitors.

their seeming complete ignorance,

of the fear the ledge brings me.

It leads me to believe,

that I have nothing to fear.

maybe I can step forward.

I want to trust them.

[shikous-poems]

his voice sparks familiarity.

though I can't place it,

it's nice to hear just the same.

There is still fear deep in my core.

Fear that says he won't accept me,

but I want him here nonetheless.

I will give a place for this feeling.

I'll pat down a foundation,

and lay out the groundwork.

I'll let him be the reason.

the 'why' it feels familiar.

[shikous-poems]

we went walking,

down the tracks.

i struggled to keep up,

but you were worth chasing.

we found a creek,

and some trees.

we played in the water.

happier than I'd ever been.

we built a dam,

filled it with leaves.

i watched your smile,

and finally i could feel at peace.

I am sure now.

every second,

every moment I spend.

i was meant to spend with you.

[shikous-poems]

the debris scattered will be pretty.

the remains of my shattered safety.

I'll look back and see all the colors.

the glinting light dancing in the fall.

again I'm left lost and scared.

my foundation turning to dust.

was there even ever trust?

I was supposed to be prepared.

even as it caves in around me.

hunks of it pull my eyes to focus.

seeing it settled will be beautiful,

but it hurts as it comes down on me.

[shikous-poems]

I lay here,

drifting in and out,

but not of consciousness.

what I drift between is...

simpler yet more.

it's me.

my entirety is what ebbs and flows.

who I am dwindles and grows.

"what fills the space between?"

lately I've been using caffeine.

it pushes me to the front,

keeps me gripping the wheel.

driving the hunk of vessel allotted me.

though I am getting very tired.

I fear that when I am absent,

we'll crash.

of course I'd pick up the pieces!

I'd never abandon them!

it will hurt though,

and that I'd like to avoid.

if not for my sake then for theirs.

the ones not used to being.

fresh and new and wholly unknown.

slowly they're learning of us,

as we learn eagerly of them in kind.

they'll find their names and in time,

how it fits.

we'll be told if they have a gender,

they usually do.

there'll be celebrations of identity,

even if fluid.

sometimes identity can be painful.

clashing against what is already there.

seeing it be wrong and feeling...

broken, mismatched, defective.

it burns in ways I'd never thought.

we help them find ways to see.

within reason of course,

hardly anything can be perfect.

coping, changing, avoiding.

hardly foolproof and often revised,

but easier without being alone.

no longer as frightening.

we're building as we go.

forming who we are.

Vae is too nice,

but a needed gentleness.

Ryn is too mean,

but a needed firmness.

Eryn is too shy,

but a needed break.

Alys is too forward,

but a needed step.

Dough is too childish,

but a needed reliving.

Vale is too scared,

but a needed warning.

Dalton was too young,

but they're safe now.

[shikous-poems]

the seams are splitting and tearing.

my hands stitch and pull,

but I can't keep up.

I'm falling apart.

more tears well in my eyes each time.

every new puncture hurts,

but I do as I must.

i can't stop.

screams die in my throat as I go.

they rang outward once,

but I'm alone now.

who'd hear?

the efforts always feel to be in vain.

no wounds stay closed,

but I'll get rest.

eventually.

darkness has been creeping inwards.

it tinged my vision at points,

but now bulbs burst.

I'm scared.

I'll toil as much as my soul allows me.

it's an uncertain measurement,

but my bones whisper.

"not long."

[shikous-poems]

rivers flow,

but so do conversations.

flowers grow,

but so do affections.

animals know,

but so do we.

all is equal below.

[shikous-poems]

I often struggle to decide,

what is or isn't worth a poem.

my sadness is most impactful,

it reaches deep.

my love feels lofty and bright,

the best of me.

my happiness hopefully helps,

bringing us up.

what about the rest of me?

what of the lull?

is my soft content worth ink?

I'd like it to be.

today I did nothing much.

I trudged through chores,

a bore.

I indulged in hobbies,

quite fun.

I did nothing of import,

but it felt safe.

I wasn't excited or elated.

I wasn't scared or hurt.

I think days like these matter.

I think they're worth writing about.