shimmeringshel1

[shimmeringshel1]

HOLY CRAP OH MY GOODNESS

AHAAHAHA

[shimmeringshel1]

the music is getting to me.. because now

(uh oh)

it's in ROUNDS

there are verses overlapping one another and starting and stopping

it makes sense for the song (Simcha! from the Prince of Egypt musical) but oh man is it repetative

[shimmeringshel1]

Every night when I go to bed its like someone detonated a bomb full of music in my head

it's so LOUD too and it's all overlapping so it sounds really wacky

another way to visualize it is like the beginning of Contact (1997) where there's all these radio sounds going at once with different songs or talking

recently it's mostly been a lot of theatrical music because I'm in a production currently and it's kind of driving me insane (but also helping me practice??) because when I go to sleep and start to hear "lai lai lai lai liddle lai lai" or just some characters solo it feels like I'm being haunted by my ears

Going off of that, a lot of the time it's not even a full phrase, just a section of a chorus or solo or even just a riff, but it's repeated over and over until I fall asleep (which gets difficult when you can't stop hearing music while you're trying to relax)

anyways goodnight I'm gonna sleep (if I can)

[shimmeringshel1]

i think I'm gonna be perpetually stressed out about the storage on this phone

(this is a very long rant and it's just me complaining)

genuinely how do I only have 32 gigabytes, and HOW ARE 17 OF THOSE FILLED WITH "SYSTEM"???

This is one of those Motorola g plays or whatever which I assume entails some sort of 'gaming' or 'play' opportunities, but it can barely hold four apps and keeps crying about storage being full

I even got an internal SD card of another 32 gigabytes so I could put my photos in there and I STILL DONT HAVE ANY STORAGE

I had a few extra gigs for like three months but 'system' was greedy and filled that gap very quickly

i dont know what to even do to fix it, because I can't just go and delete my photos because those documents at least four years of my life and I want to be able to look back and remember different times, I can't delete any of the larger apps I have because I use them every day, and I can't move the system to the SD card because there's like a fence that blocks them from moving, hell I can't even select the system part of my phone in the storage management area because it just won't move

I also can't move any of the app data to extra storage, and all of these reasons make sense

What I'm wondering is: WHY did they make a phone that can't function without 17 gigabytes of system in its storage, HOW the people even thought this would work, and why couldn't they just have a separate storage area in the phone for system?? I feel like the way they mushed it together sounded efficient at the time but it just makes every statement of "oh it has 32 gigs of storage!" a lie

by the way I have no idea what I'm talking about I'm just very angry and very tired of this stupid brick crying about low storage that I can't willingly fix without 1) ruining the functionality of MY phone, 2) deleting apps and photos that I thought I would be able to keep on MY PHONE, 3) spending money

everything always has a cost and I'm not fucking paying for this piece of garbage

did I forget to mention it can't even text without me using an app? SMS doesn't even work so I don't even have a real phone number.

nothing is tying me to this thing except the very thick chains of social media apps and a Google voice account I can't log into (or remove a permanent notification telling me to reverify the phone I'm using with it)

I'm gonna strangle the person who designed this thing

please no more torture (I have to endure this stupid thing for at least a year longer before I can get something new)

[shimmeringshel1]

Whenever I send a cringy text to the wrong people it feels like dipping my hands in wet clay (getting it under my fingernails too,) letting it dry, then touching a sheet of printer paper (touch version of scraping nails on a chalkboard, which would also be unpleasant with clay hands I guess)

my jokes aren't landing (especially in person) and it makes me want to crumble to dust and blow away

apparently my inflection also doesn't portray the fact that I'm joking very well, so to the people who don't know me really well I'm actually not being satire at all and every cheesy thing I do is 100% how I normally act. this keeps me up at night

everyone applaud please I'm getting nervous

[shimmeringshel1]

mission impossible but the mission is ethan hunt experiencing peace and happiness for once in his life so it actually is impossible

[shimmeringshel1]

Something that always touches me about Ethan is his capacity to trust.

Now really that ought to have been destroyed by the events of MI:1 - his entire team wiped out by the man who was his leader and mentor and discovered his wife who tried to seduce him was also lying - it ought to have destroyed his capacity to trust completely.

It never did.

He trusts Luther. He trusts Naya. He trusts Benji not to betray him in MI3.

He’s suspicious and wary and angry in Ghost Protocol but immediately trusts Jane (who immediately has to test Ethan to make sure it’s him) and even when he outs Will as a liar - he trusts him enough to stand there with Will pointing a gun at him (a gun Ethan could easily take)

He trusts Ilsa straight away, despite the fact that it’s not clear whose side she’s on or who she working with. It’s Benji who’s wary and mistrustful of Ilsa (and I do wonder how much of Ethan’s ability to trust is counterbalanced by Benji and his suspicions)

But - he instantly does not trust Walker. In fact it looks like he mistrusted Walker from the start and immediately got Benji to start playing a part for Walker (which included Benji being suspicious of Walker so it’s obviously a role others expect him to play now)

Paris tried to kill him - but he trusts her with Benji’s life (funny how Benji immediately trusted her too - maybe he recognised what Ethan could have become if he hadn’t met Luther and Benji in her)

Degas and Briggs are hunting him - immediate trust. Grace is a thief who slips away repeatedly - trust. All those people he meets in MI8 that he relies upon to help him win and survive and that he repeatedly falls asleep in front of…

It’s just such an amazing quality of Ethan’s - to continue to trust despite everything. And I think it’s an instinct, rather than fact based because he trusts the most unlikely people and mistrusts people who ought to be on his side

(Also love that benji response to this is to be deeply suspicious of almost everyone)

[shimmeringshel1]

Softly I awaken

The sun streams through the windows as the fan continues it's endless spinning

it's 4:28 in the morning, at least that's what the red numbers blink on the clock, flashing their signal that the power went out four hours and twenty-eight — now twenty-nine minutes ago

I check my watch, 9:37 am, probably a good time for me to get out of bed

the soft sheets choke my quest of getting ready for the day, the bed is only ever this comfortable when I have to leave

I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling, glancing at the shadows the leaves of the hanging plants as they slowly dance across the room

it's loud, two fans are going as well as nature sounds (a babbling brook) from a speaker hidden on one of the bookshelves at the foot of my bed

I raise my hands up into the air above me, stretching my back slightly— I pause

there's.. dirt? No, blood. Under my fingernails and around my fingertips a dark red stain sits, silently warning me of some sort of unknown injury

quickly I check my arms for any open wounds, worrying I might've gotten some on my pillow or my sheets

I move to my legs, where to my horror I see more dried blood, but oddly enough the patches all seem to be seperate

Some spots on my thighs, some around my knees, more on my shins and calves, and a few on my ankles

my foggy brain connects the dots and I get very angry

the source of the blood, thankfully, isn't a large gash or series of small cuts that I acquired while sleepwalking, but instead, it is the millions of mosquito bites I have collected on my poor legs in the last three days

GUYS THE DAMN MOSQUITOES ARE EATING ME ALIVE

ITS SO FRUSTRATING

I WAKE UP AND THERE'S LIKE THREE MORE THAN BEFORE

LEAVE ME ALONE 😭😭😭

[shimmeringshel1]

guys I am able to draw! I haven't touched a pencil in like months and yesterday I decided to dabble, so art block may be slowly crumbling

I did an eye practice because why not (essentially I looked at Pinterest and saw the tutorial and followed it) which turned out way better than I thought it would

and since I remembered I can somewhat draw teeth (as any normal person would) I immediately thought "vampire" and hopped on that train

uhh, ignore the hair, I'm going to work on that stuff tomorrow because honestly I could wait a while

They're not the best but hey, shhhh, it's okay at least I drew something

I think my goals for tomorrow (wayy ambitious, who knows if I even have free time ((I do)) ) will be practicing the other facial features I ignored (eyebrows, nose, mouth, forehead, cheeks, chin, etc) and of course hair, but maybe new angles for the face and head

I'm not going to get into the body just yet because oh my goodness that sure is a can of worms (yes I know about the basic shapes, but for some reason I have the desire to learn what each part, whether it be muscle or bone or whatever, is called and how it functions, in other words I want to start learning almost medical anatomy)

this ties into a lot of ambitions I have, so I think it's helpful I am taking the step to actually start

by doing so I am putting off running and training for cross country, yayyy

[shimmeringshel1]

it has been way too long

happy summer guys! the trek was long and at times vigorous but we made it, another year of school done! so far I have made many personal achievements such as 1. getting overall As in every class, 2. trying not one but two(2) new sports and having fun, and 3. stepping out of my comfort zone more often!

I feel like I did a good job of maintaining a good mindset, mostly because I can't remember any particularly long stretches of sadness, which I call a win! Hooray for academic validation as well as keeping a good mental state throughout! I think the endless repeating pattern helped me keep my sanity (as well as destroy it, paradoxical) and my focus and pushed me to just get it over with so I can have fun over the summer

I like being able to do nothing and not feel guilty, I do miss the structure of school but I love getting twelve hours of sleep and not needing to worry about something due tomorrow.

I don't need to put my head down and push through it because the pressure has been released from my shoulders, I can look up and around at the world I live in and enjoy the beauty of a warm summer day

And I can pursue passions! I can learn anatomy or basic medical skills! I can draw again! I have time to do things on my own! yippee!!

I also have time to talk to the people I love talking to! and we don't have to be stressed together about some upcoming test, we can just enjoy a conversation about something that doesn't make any sense! hooray hooray

[shimmeringshel1]

Does anyone know what to do about hot hair?? my hair is so much longer than it used to be, and now that it's warm out the heat is getting to me

I've tried tying it up which works for a bit, but then my head starts to hurt (weak scalp 😡😭) AND it also has gotten long enough that even if it's up in a high ponytail it'll still stick to my neck and shoulders

I'm used to my hair being really short or at most shoulder length but I've wanted to grow it out just to see how long I can get it (science I guess) so this weather affecting my hair specifically is a new issue (consequences for my decisions)

Any advice is helpful, I'm at square one here 👍

[shimmeringshel1]

you punch nazis!

(requested by anonymous)

[shimmeringshel1]

people don't get to be mad nowadays and its so ANNOYING

COMMIT TO IT!! DONT HALF ASS ANGER!! People like you who just give up, or switch their opinion like the wind, or don't stick to anything are IMPOSSIBLE to deal with!! HAVE A BACKBONE!! HAVE BOUNDARIES!! DEFINE YOURSELF!!

No one can read you because half the time you either hate them or love them and it changes daily, so we actually don't know when you want to talk to us or not

ALSO!! CONSIDER BOTH SIDES?? WHAT?? SOMETIMES YOU ARE IN THE WRONG!! SOMETIMES I AM IN THE WRONG!! LET ME KNOW!! I WILL LET YOU KNOW!!

Happy Monday y'all <3

[shimmeringshel1]

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SLAP ME !!!

I need to grow some balls or smth because eternal anguish is NOT how I want to spend this year

I desperately want to freaking act, to talk to this guy, to make a move or SOMETHING but I am holding myself back

its like the real me is trapped in a concrete case (my actual body) and arguing with the other part of me (that manages the embarrassment part)

It keeps me from doing anything FUN!! If people ask "where's your whimsy" I have a definite answer

I need to beat her up (other me) and take the reins and forget about embarrassment because it's literally any other Thursday and in 20 years no one but my friends and i will remember it

but the worst part is I don't even know what to do! how do I strike up a conversation with this guy, how to I become general acquaintances with him so it's less awkward if I give him my number

I am not a talker!! I feel like people know that I'm not as outgoing as others in this specific class

so going up to him and talking would be weird right?? would people see that as too much, not subtle at all??? what am I doing??? I DONT EVEN KNOW HIM!! I want to get to know him!! that's the point!! But I can't do that if I don't get my head out my ass and talk to him!!

sorry this is me rationalizing it outloud

[shimmeringshel1]

what a week

oh boy I am sure ready for this weekend *weekend over*

damn

I guess I can't wait for next weekend (I have another meet Friday and a practice Saturday so I only get Sunday again)

THEY TOOK AWAY OUR DAY OFF 😭😭 I would've had a 3 day weekend to rest forever but NO

then I have a trip (school trip so it's less restful)

and I have to makeup all my work for that week (and Friday that I missed this week because what a week jeez)

oh jeez and my missed workouts that week

I'm going to sleep for the entirety of spring break, there is no stopping me (I am so close to freaking out about everything I can feel it in my eyes when I think about school)

It's actually okay though because I am having fun with a lot of it

optimism

[shimmeringshel1]

the sickness continues and I find myself using the big words of 'terrible' and 'horrid' to describe it, which can only mean one thing

I'm getting worse and my brain is accepting it

I'm fuming because I have a meet tomorrow and I WILL be going no matter what

I can't even complain about the sickness because there's no fever (yet!) and all I really have is fatigue, a left over sore throat, a stuffy nose, a cough, and the general feeling of fuzziness around the edges (face feels weird)

it's enough to make ME uncomfortable so I will be describing it as such

the reason it's a little jarring to be sick like this is because I'm just not sick very often, so when I am it feels like the world is ending

I didn't realize how similar I am to Chris traeger from parks and rec in that sense

evil

I want to fall asleep and stay asleep for a solid 19 hours but my brain won't let me

[shimmeringshel1]

i fear I have become slightly ill

and now at my weakened state, since my body can't do much, my brain overcompensates and suddenly whirls up strange ideas

and I connect myself into the shows I'm watching (severance is creeping through my veins)

Last time I had this disease or whatever I was obsessed with Frankenstein, and I had to write this thing for class. Then my best piece of writing was born, and I got a terrible grade but it's not my fault it's the fever's.

I just have a headache and cough

and vertigo / dizzyness

oh and I got a bloody nose earlier

I'll be totally chill tomorrow though