sholland-blog-blog

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Sacked.

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8/5/13

This weekend while the Mets were playing the Royals, a muscular man in the stands was broadcast on TV because he was having difficulty opening a water bottle. The sportscasters making fun of the man later found out that cans of whoop-ass are much easier to open.

American hip hop group, The Bloodhound Gang, are being deported from Russia after their bassist put the Russian flag down his pants on stage in the Ukraine, and wiped himself with it. The bassist later apologized to the Russian people and President Putin for pootin’ on the Russian flag.

A new study shows that people aged 18-34 now are more forgetful than the elderly. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to make a joke here… what was I talking about?

A sheriff’s deputy in Orange County could face up to a year in jail after illegedly spraying a teenagers’s pizza with pepper spray during a traffic stop. When the judge charged the officer with assault, the teen said “actually, your honor, it was a-pepper.”

Miss Riverton, an 18 year old beauty queen in the running to be Miss Utah, has been arrested for throwing homemade bombs at people. Pageant judges say she blew the other contestants away during the talent competition, when she built a bomb on stage and literally blew the other contestants away.

The Fukushima Nuclear Plant, which was devastated during the tsunami and earthquake that hit Japan in 2011, is now leaking highly radioactive water into the ocean. In a related story, J.J. Abrams announced he will be filming Cloverfield 2 in Japan, and that it’ll be a real documentary.

The University of Iowa is officially the top party school in America. Which is ironic considering the state of Iowa never gets invited to parties.

Major League Baseball is suspending Alex Rodriguez for the rest of this season and all of next season for using performance enhancing drugs. In other news, Playboy Playmates are trying to ban performance enhancing drugs at the Playboy Mansion, so their 87 year old boss can’t play anymore.

A giant wad of fat - the size of a bus - has been discovered in a sewer in London, and It is being called the “Fatburg”. After initial speculation, Chris Christie called a news conference to prove that he is still in New Jersey.

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7/30/13

Last week a thirteen and a half pound baby was born in a hospital in Leipzig, making it the largest baby ever born in Germany. Usually babies this big are born via caesarean section, however, baby Jasleen was born vaginally - which set the record for the largest something else in Germany.

Anthony Wiener has dropped from first to fourth place in the New York race for mayor since news broke last week that he’s been sexting since leaving Congress. Wiener will likely try to stop sexting and run for office in the future, because apparently New Yorkers will vote for you, but only if it’s been at least six months since they’ve seen your penis.

A new study shows the longer babies are breastfed the smarter they will be later in life. Scientists say they are now working on a time machine to go back and tell Barbara Bush to get the twins out.

A female police sergeant in Florida resigned last week after an investigation revealed that she was taking pornographic images of herself while on duty and posting them on the Internet as part of an online sex game. The Florida police department is telling citizens to look on the bright side, saying “at least she was shooting herself instead of innocent black citizens.”

A Georgia woman returned home to find a seven-foot empty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken sitting on her lawn. Turns out her landlord purchased the old sign and left it on the lawn without telling her. She’s excited about keeping it, because a seven-foot KFC themed above ground pool on a hot summer day, is the perfect place to put your breasts and thighs.

In China, a group of scientists say they successfully grew a human tooth using stem cells taken from urine. The good news is urine is a less controversial way of obtaining stem cells, the bad news is they haven't figured out a way to make the teeth not taste like pee.

Border patrol found marijuana aboard Justin Bieber’s tour bus as it was crossing from Canada into Detroit. Bieber was not on the bus at the time, because he was busy peeing into something - I mean donating stem cells to Chinese scientists.

Mitt Romney is back in the news. He claims his infamous 47% remark was taken out of context and he actually was talking about swing voters, not voters for Obama. When asked why he didn’t say that at the time Romney responded “Because I just thought of it last night.”

Undercover police in Louisiana have been arresting gay men who agree to have sex with them, citing an anti-sodomy law the Supreme Court ruled unconstitutional back in 2003. On the bright side, prison rape is at an all time low, replaced by an overwhelming amount of prison consensual sex.

Fast food workers throughout the nation are on strike seeking better pay, and a study has just come out saying if McDonalds doubled all of it’s employees salaries, including the CEO, it would raise the price of a Big Mac by only .68 cents. The study also found that if Chick Fil A doubled all of its employees salaries, they’d still be homophobes.

A paralyzed man in Arkansas woke up to find the dog he adopted three weeks ago had eaten one of his testicles while he was asleep. The man showed he is a glass half full kind of guy when he said, “I'm just glad that dog prefers balls over bones.”

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7/29/13

In a news conference this morning, Pope Francis said he would not judge gay priests. He did, however, list quite a few things that he would do to gay priests.

The Pope's statement upset a lot of conservative Catholics, but we’re told 90% of priests are so happy they’re already planning a parade.

A black man in Florida was in his driveway getting cigarettes out of his car, when a neighbor who didn’t recognize him called the police who showed up and shot him. Florida is officially changing it’s slogan from The Sunshine State to The Moonshine Drinking Racist State

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7/28/13

A hazmat team was called in to decontaminate a group of bible campers in Maryland after someone played a prank and sprayed the bunks with deer repellent and a fart spray called Liquid Ass. The makers of Liquid Ass are saying this is the best review on Amazon ever.

A zonkey, a half donkey, half zebra, was born last week in Florence, Italy. Workers at the animal sanctuary say the mating was not planned and was completely natural. When asked, the male zebra said he just couldn’t resist that sweet ass.

On Monday an arriving plane’s front landing gear collapsed while flying into LaGuardia airport, causing it to land on its nose and scrape to a stop on the runway. There were a few injuries, and a passenger video surfaced online showing the scary landing. The top comment on the video is the pilot saying “This is why I told you to turn all electronics off! Way to break the landing gear, dick.”

Scientists claim they have successfully implanted false memories into lab mice. So the next time a lab mouse tells you stories about his kick-ass spring break trip to Cancun last year, just go along with it.

A Kentucky woman and her daughter are accused of robbing a post office three times together. The postal workers say they are touched that people still think of regular mail at all.

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7/23/13

A group of satanists traveled from New York to Mississippi and performed a ritual over the grave of Westboro Baptist Church founder’s mother, which they say turned her gay in the afterlife. The woman’s son and leader of the church says he knew something was wrong when he was visited by a floating flannel shirt.

Paypal accidentally put over a quadrillion dollars in one of its users accounts the other day. Paypal removed the money, apologized for the mistake, and offered to make a donation to a charity of the man’s choice, so they’re donating money to the Dear God I Just Lost A Quadrillion Dollars Fund For People Who Have Lost A Quadrillion Dollars.

Many people on the Internet are angry that Marc Anthony sang God Bless America at the Baseball All Star Game. Meanwhile, most of the players are upset he didn’t sing it in their native Spanish.

Yesterday at Comic Con star of Breaking Bad, Bryan Cranston, walked around wearing a mask of his character, Walter White. Fans were excited later when they found out they had been talking to the real Walter White, and even more excited to find the blue meth they bought off him as a souvenir is real meth.

Last week in a practice exercise, two U.S. Navy fighter jets accidentally dropped several unarmed bombs directly next to the Great Barrier Reef. We’re told the incident caused several SCUBA divers to also accidentally drop bombs by the reef.

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7/17/13

Today Britain legalized gay marriage. Many people aren't surprised, saying it was only a matter of time for a country that’s run by an old Queen.

Controversy erupted today when it was announced that Boston Bomber Jahar Tsarnaev will appear on the cover of the August issue of Rolling Stone. Controversy is sure to continue when Tsarnaev appears on the cover of the September issue of Amateur Prison Rape Weekly.

David Hasslehoff is celebrating his 61st birthday today. The American actor and German music sensation is expected to celebrate the same way he does every year - with a bottle of Jägermeister and a case of energy drinks, or as he calls it, his “Turbo Boost Kit”.

Twelve deaf Starbucks customers have filed a lawsuit against the company, because they say employees made fun of the way they spoke and even called the police when a group of ten deaf customers met at the coffee shop. Deaf people need to realize that if you want to gather with friends, drink coffee and talk with your hands - you want to go to an Italian coffee shop.

A California man returning from Mexico was caught smuggling $128,000 in his socks. The man and his son claim they were in Mexico on agricultural business. When the officers also found marijuana in the car, he told them “Like I said we were on ‘agricultural business’ in Mexico. What did you think we were talking about?”

Shaquille O’Neal has been sworn in as a police officer in Florida today. So the next time someone is having their face eaten off in Florida they’ll be like “AAAAH- wait is that Shaq?!"

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7/15/13

A man in Brazil was crushed to death after a cow fell through his roof. It’s reported that the cow’s self esteem was also crushed in the incident.

An African American woman in Tennessee suffering from back pain is upset after going to see her doctor, because the doctor diagnosed her with having “Ghetto Booty”. The woman was upset, probably because her doctor suffers from “Pompous Ass Syndrome”.

While driving to a Dave Matthews’ concert, a couple picked up a hitchhiker - who turned out to be Dave Matthews. The singer said he was riding his bike and got a flat tire. I’m surprised the couple recognized him considering Dave Matthews looks like every hitchhiker I’ve ever seen.

An Israeli man was going to the bathroom when a snake that was hiding in the toilet bit his penis. Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has since asked Palestinians to go back to firing rockets.

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5/23/13

In a sermon yesterday, Pope Francis shocked people by declaring that Atheists can be just as good as Catholics. It’s reported that the Pope watched the series finale of The Office right before mass, and choking back tears said, “Thank God for Ricky Gervais!”

In an interview promoting his new film, Morgan Freeman fell asleep on camera. This makes sense considering the voice in Morgan Freeman’s head is Morgan Freeman’s. Try having that soothing voice narrating all of your thoughts and not fall gently into slumber.

Photos were released today of President Obama attending his high school prom back in Hawaii in 1979. When asked about the photos Donald Trump said “Obama looks like he’s about to have a fun and memorable night with those light skinned Kenyans.”

A man pretending to be the Gangnam Style singer, Psy, fooled celebrities and paprazzi at the Cannes Film Festival, gaining him entry to parties and after-parties. It was revealed he wasn’t the real Psy when another asian person saw him and said to the crowd, “You guys are a bunch of racists”. The crowd then believed that man was the real Psy.

A warehouse worker in New Jersey was almost crushed to death when 1500 lbs of Pineapples fell on top of him. The man is in stable condition at a nearby hospital, and the school of pineapples were taken outback of the warehouse and shot.

A man in Minnesota found a comic book that contained the first ever appearance of Superman - acting as insulation in his wall. This is unusual considering the insulation in most homes is made up of fiberglass and porn.

After finding the comic book, the man’s in-laws tried to grab it from him, causing it to tear. The tear removed an estimated $75,000 from book’s value. The man now refers to his in-laws as General Zod and that evil bitch from Planet Krypton.

Portland citizens voted against introducing fluoride into the city’s water supply - unlike every other major U.S. city, which fluoridates water to help fight tooth decay. So in a few years hipsters around the country won’t be moving to an apt. in Portland, they’ll be moving to a flat in London 2!

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5/14/13

This day in 1804 Lewis and Clark departed St. Louis for the West. So if you think St. Louis is bad now, back then when faced with the choice to stay in St. Louis or venture into dangerous, unexplored wilderness, they chose the wilderness.

Today the legal driving limit of alcohol in your bloodstream was reduced from .08% to .05%. Washington says it’s to keep the roads safer, and has absolutely nothing to do with lobbyists for TMZ.

Claims were made today that wealthy New York families vacationing in Disney World have been paying handicapped “tour guides” to accompany them, so they could skip the lines. Since the controversial story broke, the families have promised from now on to instead take Walmart customers who ride scooters but don’t actually need to.

Prince Harry was in New Jersey today visiting sites devastated by Hurricane Sandy. In an attempt to connect with the American public, Prince Harry recounted a time when he was devastated by a nasty batch of scabies he contracted from a Vegas stripper named Candy Cane Sandy.

Today a police officer in Queens, NY got stuck in a tree after climbing up to rescue a cat, and police and fire officials were called to the scene to rescue the officer from the tree. While law enforcement was successfully distracted, cat burglaries in Queens skyrocketed.

An Atlanta man is selling what he believes to be the original recipe for Coca Cola on Ebay, with a starting bid of five million dollars. So far there are zero bids, so if any columbian drug lords are watching - this is a perfect opportunity for you and your vast quantities of cocaine to get into the soda making racket.

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2/22/13

After pulling a man over, New Jersey police found a record-setting 100 bags of heroin in his anus. Turns out the man is a member of the Bloods street gang, whose initiation apparently requires members to have their anal cavity stretched out by fellow gangbangers. Upon hearing the story, potential gang members now list the Crips as their top choice, and the Bloods as their “safety” gang.

An 18 year old girl in Florida sustained multiple injuries after turning on her friend’s oven, because she was unaware her friend was keeping bullets in it. The friend said that’s the last time he tries to make Disaster, because the recipe for Disaster is a recipe for disaster. The North Carolina House Committee rejected a bill that would legalize medical marijuana. They claim they were being harassed by the public to pass the bill, but said they received even more phone calls from people who forgot why they were calling, and instead tried ordering a pizza. Everyone’s excited for the Oscars this Sunday night. The Academy will decide which film wins Best Picture, and viewers at home will decide whether they want to look at the Oscar trophies’ man boobs or switch to HBO and look at Lena Dunham’s woman boobs. Teachers at a school in Canada played an elaborate prank on two classes of 8th graders telling them they would be taking a field trip to Disney World, but later revealed they were actually going bowling. The 8th graders were upset, mainly because they aren’t overweight middle aged men. A school in New York City has apologized for assigning slavery themed math problems to 4th graders. They promised to return to their old, less controversial curriculum, where the theme is “Native American Genocide and Later Exploitation.” Members of the FBI have been using their work issued Blackberry’s to sext coworkers. In response, the FBI is officially changing their uniform to the once popular Female Body Inspector T-shirt. Smithfield Packing Company is recalling 38,000 lbs of sausage, saying it may contain bits of thin plastic from worker’s gloves. Consumers were confused, thinking sausage was encased in thin plastic this entire time – and were perfectly fine with it. When asked what they were planning on doing with 38,000 lbs of recalled sausage, a representative at Smithfield Packing Company says they’re planning on donating it to the Bloods street gang for training purposes.

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2/7/13

Due to financial problems, the United States Postal Service has announced they will stop delivering mail on Saturdays. A survey confirms that the public is fine with the change, making comments like “Whatever.” and “We don't care.”

The most excited groups about mail delivery ceasing on Saturdays are mail carriers, who are happy to have weekends off, and dogs, who take full credit for the change.

An Oregon man is suing the US Government and an IRS agent, claiming that the female agent, while auditing the man, sent him lewd photos and offered to drop a 40% penalty in exchange for sex. Upon hearing this, men all over the country started making absurd deductions on their taxes.

On the Today Show, Al Roker and co-anchor, Willie Geist, put on different flavored lip balms and kissed one another. Afterwards, Willie Geist said “Holy crap! I can’t believe I just kissed the guy who shat his pants at the White House!”

Lena Dunham, the creator and star of the HBO show GIRLS, appeared in an ad in 2012 urging people to get out and vote. Well, sources are now saying she didn’t actually vote in the election herself. Lena responded, claiming she tried to vote, but was turned away due to the new Voter Shirt Law, which requires voters to show up to the polls wearing a shirt.

After being reinstated only a year ago, a fraternity at Duke University has been suspended again, this time for throwing a racist Asian-themed party. Upon hearing the news, school senior and president of the Duke chapter, called the fraternity’s board members “a bunch of indian givers”.

The makeup artist for the original Star Wars films, Stuart Freeborn, died today at the age of 98. He’s responsible for helping create many fan favorite characters like Chewbacca, Jabba the Hutt, and Yoda – and had absolutely nothing to do with Jar Jar Binks.

The Northeast is bracing for a huge winter storm that forecasters are saying could bring up to several feet of snow. Stores are running low on items like bread and milk, because as we all know, during a snowstorm nothing’s more fun than eating like you’re being held in a 17th century English dungeon.

A new study claims that straight men who watch pornography are more likely to support gay marriage. Another study shows that straight men who watch gay pornography are also more likely to support gay marriage, because they’re choosing to watch gay pornography. Hmm.

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1/29/13

Taco Bell officially announced that in the coming months they will be introducing the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco. A lot of people are excited about this, mainly because anything that takes your mind off of what’s in the taco is a great achievement. In an interview with Oprah, Whitney Houston’s mother said that if Whitney was in a gay relationship she would not have been okay with it. Anti-Gay and religious groups released statements saying they actually condone homosexual relationships, but only if the other choice is to be with Bobby Brown. A photo of Justin Bieber taken at a meet and greet in Florida shows the singer posing with a fan and grabbing her breast. Since the meet and greet occurred in Florida, Bieber had to bend over to reach the breast, which was dangling below the woman’s waist. A woman in Brazil tried to kill her husband by stuffing poison in her vagina and having him perform oral sex on her. The man said he can’t believe she tried to kill him, especially right after he finished digging a six foot deep garden for her in their backyard.

There’s going to be a new King and Queen of the Netherlands soon, and many say the future Queen looks a lot like Britney Spears. When asked for comment the real Britney Spears cackled madly, screamed and jumped out of a window. Google Maps has unveiled detailed maps of North Korea for the first time. Citizens of North Korea are excited about the updated Google maps, especially since Apple’s iPhone 5 maps have been leading users into known nuclear test sites. The Boy Scouts of America are considering letting in openly gay members for the first time ever. Not much is expected to change in an organization where boys already pitch tents and sleep side by side, and are responsible for all the cooking and sewing. A 23 year old high school math teacher is in trouble for tweeting naked photos of herself and talking about drug use online. However, her students are said to be surprisingly attentive, and recently all aced an exam which focused on weight conversions of lbs to ounces to grams, and fractions. A bus driver in Chile accidentally played a hardcore porn film to his passengers. He apologized, and apparently afterwards everyone had a very comfortable trip and didn’t feel weird at all about what may have happened in the bus before they boarded.

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1/18/13

While a man was driving his girlfriend to work at a Taco Bell in Florida, he bit her thumb off during an argument in the car. Doctors were unable to reattach the thumb, and in a related story, a Taco Bell in Florida is now claiming that for a limited time they are selling food made with real meat. A teen in Norway posted a photo online of himself and his high school crush holding a sign that said if the photo reached 1 million likes on facebook the girl would sleep with him. Well, it did reach 1 million likes. Unfortunately for him, the girl’s father posted a photo of himself holding a sign that says “It doesn’t matter how many likes this photo gets. I’m coming to your house to cut it off.” An armed security guard in an elementary school in Michigan accidentally left his handgun behind in a school bathroom. Luckily, the gun wasn’t loaded, which is a pleasant surprise to the security guard, who claims he never goes to the bathroom without a magazine. Three men were arrested in Cleveland, Ohio after posing as a TV news crew and tasering the people they were interviewing. The men said they were doing it just for fun, which is the same excuse their new cell mates are using to excuse their actions. Lance Armstrong appeared in a widely publicized interview with Oprah and finally admitted to doping. During the interview, Lance confronted Oprah saying, "If you spent countless hours on a bike seat you'd do anything to shrink your testicles, too."

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1/11/13

Axe body spray announced that they will send 22 lucky Axe customers into space to promote their new Apollo fragrance. In a related story, space will now be known as that douchey part in between planets. Buzz Aldron is the new spokesman for Axe. When asked what he thought about the new fragrance, Buzz admitted he’s enjoying taking advantage of the “Axe effect”. That’s where he sprays himself with Axe to prevent ladies from smelling the stench leaking from his Depends. Justin Beiber’s ex bodyguard is suing the singer, claiming that Bieber punched him multiple times in the chest and owes him money for overtime he was never paid for. The bodyguard later clarified that by overtime, he meant, marijuana. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has said one of his top priorities in 2013 will be to decriminalize the possession of marijuana. After that passes his main priority will be to try and remember what his other priorities were. A restaurant owner in North Carolina approached a lesbian couple after they paid their check and handed them a letter condemning homosexuality. Sources say this isn’t the first time he’s given out the letter, apparently he gives one to any woman who asks for a box to take home. The official portrait of Kate Middleton was unveiled today at Britain’s National Portrait Gallery, and a lot of people are upset saying the artist made her look too old. Luckily, they won’t be talking about it after the official portrait of Prince Harry is unveiled, depicting him and several women playing pool naked. Two men were spotted wandering the streets of Portland, Oregon carrying assault rifles. The men said they were carrying the weapons to educate the public about second amendment rights. The many terrified citizens who called 911 were told not to worry, those two are just crazy rednecks.

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1/3/13

President Obama has signed the bill that will prevent the U.S. from going over the fiscal cliff. He signed the bill after returning to his family who are on vacation in Hawaii. When asked why he waited until he got back to Hawaii to sign the new legislation, the President replied “Because I wanted to get lei’d first.” Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered French actor Gerard Depardieu Russian citizenship after Depardieu left France in protest of a new tax hike on the rich. Upon hearing the news, Mitt Romney flew to Sarah Palin’s house to start looking at properties. Gov. Chris Christie scolded House Republicans for refusing to vote on a bill that would provide aid to those affected by Hurricane Sandy. Gov. Christie later scolded a pizza delivery boy for not arriving with the pizza in thirty minutes or less. Al Jazeera has purchased Current TV, the cable network started by former Vice President Al Gore. When asked what type of programming viewers could expect to see on Al Gore’s former network, Al Jazeera said their fall lineup will include “Two Al’s, One Network” and a show aimed at younger viewers called “Weird Al Jazeera”. A video is circulating the Internet right now where Samuel L. Jackson, while being interviewed for his new film Django Unchained, repeatedly dared the interviewer to say the n-word. Jackson later said with the bright lights and TV cameras shining in his eyes, he mistakenly thought he was being interviewed by former Seinfeld star Michael Richards.

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1/2/13

President Obama said he will sign the bill passed by congress that raises taxes on the wealthiest 2% of Americans. Upon hearing this, citizens of the United States were like, "Ohhh! So that's why Mitt Romney wanted to be President."

This is the first time since 1993 that income tax rates have gone up for any Americans. It's also the first time that Mitt Romney hasn't been able to get it up at the thought of his tax return.

Upon hearing news of the Bush Era Tax Cuts expiring, George W. Bush said "The what now?"

Vice President Joe Biden worked closely with House Speaker John Boehner to get congress support for the bill. Apparently, sometimes what’s best for the American people is achieved when Joe Biden has to use “The John” – That’s his nickname for Boehner, “The John”.

In a White House hallway House Speaker John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to “Go fuck [himself]”. Reid responded by saying “You’re being a dick, Boehner.”

House Republicans are taking heat for refusing to vote on a bill that would send billions of dollars of aid to victims of Hurricane Sandy. House Speaker John Boehner issued a statement to the victims, telling them to go fuck themselves.

An 18 year old girl has posted an online auction where the highest bidder gets to take her virginity. In a related story Anne Romney is excited to have another wife around the house. It’s a real sausage fest over at the Romney’s.

It’s been reported that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie allegedly tied the knot on Christmas Day on Turks and Caicos island in the Caribbean. Sources say many guests accidentally got the same gift for the bride and groom, so if Brangelina get you a child rescued from poverty for Christmas. That’s a regift.