shorterstrides-fasterpace

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Feeling good. Still depressed, but taking new action and using my resources. The fatigue earlier this year was connected to the depression. Finally processing how scary and serious the fatigue was. I am a tough cookie! But I am so so so so glad I finally asked for help instead of continuing to ignore my symptoms. It was so so so so nerve wracking due to anxiety, but I did it.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Slowly speeding up!! Didn't walk this time 🎉🎉

Despite the smile on my face, depression is still kicking my butt, but I'm fighting back. Happy to be running, looking for a more social work place, and reaching out for help/seeking resources. It is scary and hard!!! But I will get better and back to me 💪♥️

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

I enjoyed that 😊😊

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Went on a nice run last night!

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Today I woke and was not miserable. It was wild. And very very nice. (Very very very very very nice).

Yesterday I cried 3 times. Today? None! Not once. Yesterday night after one of my final exams I called friends, and emotionally connected with them. With my best friend I was open and honest about what was REALLY upsetting me, and got it out. I also talked openly with my boyfriend and enjoyed time with his parents. His dog gave me extra kisses too. They did not get home till 11, and dinner was midnight, sleep was at 1. Mr Man was still out the door by 5:45am and helped with an adorable calf that was born at 6am. I was up by 6:30. I felt good and seeing the cute calf made it even better :) traffic made my 30min commute into a 1.25hr commute and work was work. But I was functioning. Yesterday felt like 60% capacity, today was 85% - 90%. It felt so good after so many weeks of slogging through.

Today was hard, but it was not hopeless. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

I am so tired of waking up and feeling miserable. It has been years since I felt so hopeless. I am in a good situation, life id going well, I am safe, I am grown, I am "happy". But I don't have fear or spite to propel me forwards. Without them, it is such a different feeling. I think those feelings pushed me though.

I miss the joy of waking up in order to go for a run. The joy of waking up to climb. I think I need to go back to my old sleep schedule so I can do something I love in the morning before the rest of the day.

I'll get through this feeling of hopelessness. Three days left of the semester.

Yesterday I went on an awesome hike with my friend. I had a fantastic weekend. I saw my man and we enjoyed time together. I talked to friend and got coffee. It was an awesome weekend. This week has a ton of good stuff coming up too.... I know I am doing things I want to this week. So why do I dread this week? And why do I dread today?

Morning rambling.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Tuesday run #6. Feels good to feel good. Lots of people out in the park enjoying the weather.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

I absolutely hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate seeing my arms or wrists, or even my face. It is getting harder and harder. I am thankful for the support around me. I am working to make my life better. It will improve. But I am really upset with where I'm at. Both my mindset and my physical form. I am working on my mindset. I am hoping form will follow. But I cannot exercise out of hate.

Before homework tonight I'll go for a jog. It helps my brain. It will be week 5 of making out on a run.

Each day I feel like existing is like being dragged over a bed of glass. I am ready for Summer. I am glad to be practicing a positive mindset whenever possible. I know I will get better. I'll make the changes needed. It will take time. I am strong. I will do it. I'll keep going. I am loved.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Week 3

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Week update: Exhausted Thursday Night. I was spiralling hard from exhaustion and depression. I called in sick on Friday due to the fatigue. Today (Saturday) I was stable/balanced but still could not do my work without crying through it due to mental fatigue. Putting off that homework for one more day to best protect my mental capacity. Tomorrow will strain me greatly to finish all that is due Monday, but I'll do my best. I spent today cleaning my apartment and catching up on chores instead.

No yoga today or yesterday. Looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tonight.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Ooof, I did not want to do that. Did not make it through the entire thing. Trying not to be mad/disappointed/shame/guilt myself for not completing.

I just want to give up on everything lately it seems! Well, maybe next time.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

Hey guys :) I'm back (I hope!!)

30min of Yoga this evening. I have retained strength pretty well (considering I have not worked out consistently in months) , but the muscle is not used to being worked. Today's yoga went well. I am grateful for the practice and feel peaceful. Hurling Practice resumes on the 16th, and I am nervous and excited. Lot of running to come. 🤞🤞

That's all for now!!! See you all next post.

Day 1, done.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

depriving yourself of anything you need won’t help you in any way. it will only leave you feeling uncomfortable, stressed, hungry or even sick. you’re not making yourself stronger by denying your needs. needing anything is not a sign of weakness or selfishness. it’s not morally wrong to have needs, even if they are different than others. you don’t have to earn things, your life should not be about self-sacrifice. this is not martyrdom. you don’t have to suffer so much to prove you need anything, or to earn anything. this is your life and your body. don’t be ashamed of meeting its basic needs.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

I am so not ready to face today. Nothing really going wrong, just at work and therefore already feeling defeated and full of dread.

[shorterstrides-fasterpace]

God, it is so damn nice to have a boyfriend that I love and who looks at me like I am beautiful, even at my lowest.

Fuck, my last boyfriend always remind me that I was "probably about a 6" and "of course your pretty, but if you don't lie to a woman you don't care about her feelings"

Holy shit I wish I had the balls to leave that man sooner.