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We looked inside some of the posts by shoveitevil and here's what we found interesting.
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ugh its starting to get a lot worse again
#i feel like im constantly policing my own thoughts#i try to figure out what all my thoughts mean#what is the root cause and everything#i think that’s why im so attracted to determinism and naturalism#i guess it’s comforting to think that it was always going to end up this way#doesnt make it feel much better though#i think i need to start being more honest with myself#and honest with others#i lie so often it’s basically instinctual#but i also equally feel like there is no one i can truly be honest with#ive always had a small problem with intrusive thoughts#it was particularly bad in y8 when i had this recurring vision of someone gouging my eyes out omori style#and then i would get stabbed and id bleeed over a white carpet and no one would ever find me#but it went away eventually#i guess they have come back now#it just feels really awful and i wish it would stop because i always feel really bad after it#but when the thoughts arent really awful towards others it’s always endless self criticism#i check my weight every day i pull my shirt tight every day i feel my adam apple in my throat all the time#i look at my face and the imperfections change every day#im worried that i look so awful and it’s impacting my relationships with everyone around me but im equally worried that i have bdd or smth#and then i try to sleep and it takes hours because i just feel so awful and ugly and alone#ive gotten serious insomnia i stay up until 2 am every single night doing nothing but thinking and thinking and thinking#and then all of a sudden that awful stupid feeling from when i was 10 comes back and im just sad and wanna cry all the time and i don’t kno#why im like this there’s nothing to cause this i have friends now i have goals now why do i feel so fucking awful#my brother is getting sad a lot now and im worried its genetic#im really worried my dad has some serious mental issues its kind of scary#he genuinely doesnt empathise ever he genuinely doesnt acknowledge others emotions he doesn’t recognise tone and he doesn’t keep secrets#fucking hell he outed my sister to me he talks about really personal shit on a whim and he never changes his behaviour ever ever ever#he had to go on a 2 week no phone retreat to come back with any fucking sympathy but that all went away because of course it did#his dad went crazy too and i have hardly met any of my dads brothers it has to be genetic
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i high key think my paretnrs might be getting divorced :((( they have been fighting basically every night since i can remember but they always fought so i just accepted it but they started to go sleep at other people’s houses more and mum went away for almost a week and dad keeps going on work trips and tonight is the first time this has happened for two times in a row dads car is just missing and they keep fighting always always always i sometimes can’t go to sleep bcs they are always talking and mum is always crying now even though the entire time before i was 10 she cried only once in front of me and that was when grandad died. my mum literally had to take my therapy appointment (which i really really needed bcs ive been feeling like absolute shit lately) for herself because she was feeling awful. its all dads fault i really dont like my dad anymore he was never emotionally present when i was younger and he’s still barely emotionally present now. i think there is a very good reason his first marriage went badly and i think there’s a very good reason that for almost 2 years all my stepsisters hated my dad and i think there’s a very good reason why the girls stopped coming over for weekends but its not like my mum is perfect she always defends my brother im always in the wrong when i get in trouble and shes very generous with school and stuff but she enables josh and his awful behaviour i feel like i cant have shit in this house i cant wait to move out
#i don’t think it helps that a lot of the periodic self hate has come back#i think about being a man every day consistently#whenever i look in a mirror whenever i put on clothes whenever i even feel clothes on my skin#i genuinely felt so awful wearing shorts today bcs i felt like everyone was judging me and thinking i looked awful#ive really fallen into this awful pit of self hate and i just dont know how to stop it#like ill look in a mirror and my forehead is too big my skull is too big my shoulders are to broad my hair is dogshit my adams apple is sji#my nose is shit my eyebrows are shit my lips are shit my chin is shit my ribcage is giant my hands are big my elbows are big#i feel so fat and awful and ugly and it’s just so ughhh#ive started seriously trying to lose weight again and ive dropped 2 kilos but i still feel the same if not worse#i feel like ill be happy at 50kg but deep down i know that ill never be happy with my weight#ive started to call myself a freak and a tranny in my head consistently which isnt good#i feel like everything i do socially is so awkward#i feel like everyone secretly hates me but they are just being polite because im that much of a freak that i need sympathy#the stupid self deprecating jokes and suicidal ideation that i thought i killed years ago are all coming back#at least now i have plans to diy#even if it’s 4 months after questioning and 2 months after coming our#i get some money in cash as well as some ritalin for exams and give it to aspen and they order it for me online#hopefully that goes well bcs there’s not a whole lot else going for me
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#AGAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH#COME ONNNN#COMEONNNNNN#i was so hopeful#i was so optimistic#just for a moment that maybe just maybe it could work#maybe i could get on hormones and actually transition#maybe i could#but NO#i have to wait YEARS#and i just have to watch my body become everything i hate for the rest of highschool#and the damage will forever be done#ughhhhh#the last bits of androgyny are being wrung out of me by puberty#i have months left not years#im going to have to try diy but i just dont know how#i don’t have money i dont have parents help i dont have a place to ship#i dont know how it even works#and if mum finds out she will send me to a fucking institution#i just spent two months of my life being miserable waiting for absolutely fucking nothing#im so fucked what’s actually wrong with me
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i hate stupid ritalin this is complete bs
#why is it that whenever ritalin wears off i feel like everyone in the world hates me#i remember why i wanted to switch now#ritalin makes med feel like shit vyvanse is a prodrug#maybe i need dexies or adderal#i feel so shit ugh
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#i really can’t keep this up#i’ve never felt like this for such an extended period of time#i guess i was repping for so long i forgot that i hated being a man?#i relapsed twice today#i really can’t call it relapse any more if i keep this up#like i swear ill be having fun#doing anything#and if there is anything that reminds me that im a man it immediately puts me off#my dad said an offhand remark about how he thought we was gonna be taller and that set me off#i saw one of those ironic mewing memes and that set me off#i saw that stupid tweet and it set me off#i just feel so shit and there’s nothing i can do about it#i can’t undo the damage done to my body#ill never be short my bones will always be giant my skull will always be giant#ugh im even falling for the worms now#i need to just be normal and enjoy the holiday#like a normal person
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#grahhhhhh#ATGRGGARAG#ugghghghghgh#itss not fairrrrrrr#it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair#that stupid druggie transbian puppygirl loser gets to be 5’3 and i dont#is this for real#“line frotting with the birthday girl ^_^” kill yourself#not fair not fair not fair#im becoming a bitterhon……..#why didn’t i just come out 2 years ago when i first realised i was trans#i could have been passing i wouldnt have ended up a giant#but no i was just so stupid and now I get nothing#nothing at all#my skull is way too big to ever pass#ughhhhhhhhh
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OH MY GOD IM NOT DAD ITS THE DAMN MEDICATION AGAIN
#come onnnn vyvanse#you were my only fucking hope#but i still end up sad at the end of the day#for fucks sake#i hate stimulants why do i rely on them
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grah
#wuh#not feeling too great#damn you wretched website#i went swimming today which wasn’t a great start#the top i was wearing was very thin and loosed and then i looked in the mirror and just like#ugh#my shoulders#my stupid fucking shoulders#im 5’9 and 14 i should not have shoulders this wide#16.5 inch bideltoid#why was i cursed with this#anyways that set me on a spiral of thinking about my body all day#almost threw up#binged#looked in the mirror for a good hour or so#ughh#i just feel so awful#i feel fat again#my bones feel too big#despite there not being a single razor to be found in this house i still relapsed#i grabbed the damn car key and scraped my thighs for a couple minutes#it hurts like hell#i seriously do not know what to do#i just have to wait it out until therapy when i get home#and ideally get hormones#i just can’t really keep going like this
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#le sigh#the sadness returned…#idk what to do#i think it’s that wretched website#ughghghghgghghgghggghhg#i have a therapy session booked when I get home to talk about trans shit so I’ll bring it up then#i almost instinctively went to say tranny shit GET OUT OF MY HEAD#ugh#this is literal brainrot#i feel like I’ve been stuck in my own head so long I’ve forgotten how to live#vyvanse better save me#also im going to try taking a little more ritalin than im supposed to at home to try make me feel better
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omg i just realised why i’m feeling better it’s literally because i’m not taking ritalin. ugh i hate medication
#this is total bs#im so glad i’m switching to vyvanse so i can be normal#end to the social awkwardness hopefully#and depressive spirals lmao
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the audio was right i wasn’t depressed i did just need a holiday
#i feel like#a lot better#like weight off my shoulders#the self hate isn’t really going away fully but like it’s a lot better now yk#it’s nice and cold#lots of free time#fun shit to do#really good views#like esp the first few days of the holiday#and maybe it’s because i wasnt able to lurk tttt in the middle of the night but 🤫🤫🤫🤫#i might honestly start voice training when i get home#bcs im hopefully getting on hormones by the end of the year#good to get a head start#i talked to mum about it an im not gonna get stuck wearing feminine clothes when im not ready#we both agreed that we don’t want me to look like a man in a dress lol#i think realistically ill just keep the current thing with me being gay#just an open secret#with the amount of transsexual jokes that scarlet makes im sure most of the english class has an inkling#and im pretty sure most people know im gay even if they dont acknowledge it#once i get home i need to speedrun hanging out with everyone#hopefully i can go shopping with aspen on the weekend back
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thank you hunty schafer
#im not feeling very hawk tuah today#i say today but it was the same as yesterday#Immortality is fun#but i could get any work done#because im a loser with no self control#i didnt cut myself tonight though so count my blessings#ive been feeling worse about my bones lately#i just feel like my shoulders are so broad and my hands are so big#and my skull is just giant it’s unreal#i think I’ve been developing like#maybe not an eating disorder but definitely an unhealthy relationship with my weight and food#it says something that when I was considering new adhd medication my main concern was whether it suppressed appetite or not#ive been weighing myself more too#im around 56 which puts me just barely underweight#so ii#just don’t understand why i feel so fat and so guilty about eating#i remember seeing an explanation somewhere that the reason some trans ppl do this is bcs of an agency thing#like they have such little control over their body’s so they do this to have control#maybe it’s that#but i just really feel like i need to be thinner and i know it’s stupid#.and my parents make me too much food for me to be in any danger#i just keep getting models on my Insta and ed shit too#like before i eat i always go ‘oh i should eat later to burn fat’ and sometimes when I feel like I’ve eaten too much I’ll let myself eat#but I’ll say that I’ll punish myself#like sometimes i would cut myself but it wasn’t usually that#i would just bang my head against the wall#idk whats wrong with me
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‘thank you avogado’ we all say in unison
#uhhhghgghhhuhhawawahahahagahgahahagah#i cant do this anymore#i just feel so awful all the time#every day i feel myself getting taller and broader and bigger#and my adams apple is growing and my brow bone is getting stronger and ughghahhhhgh#if god is real then why did he put me on this earth to feel like this#what forsaken reason do i feel like this#was this his grand design?? was my misery a part of his plan??#not only did god have to make me feel like this he also had to make me the most masculine fag ever#no matter which way i suck my stomach in or try to avoid myself eating or whatever i do i cant stop it#i can feel it all slipping though my fingers and i just dont know what to do#ughghhhghghhhhgh#ive started regularly cutting again so i cant call it relapse#i get no sleep anymore#i feel miserable all the time#and i dont know what to do#i feel like there is nothing i can do to get me out of this wretched hole ive fallen into#there’s no escaping it anymore#not a day goes by without someone saying im tall or my hands are big or my adams apple is showing or that im growing fast#i dont want this why did this have to happen to me why cant i have just been born a girl#ughhhhhh i hate this i hate this i hate this#i feel like tearing my hair out and then my skin out and then my eyes out and then whatever’s left of my#what is wrong with me
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not feeling hawk tuah today
#feeling in an avogado6 mood today#ARATGATAGAGATRAAHAHAGAGAGGAGAGA#i hate being tall i hate being tall i hate being tall#i hate this shit#im gonna end up being so tall#and so freakish#and so manly#and there’s nothing i can do about it i can do anything im gonna be 6’2 and i can’t do anything about it#i hate being tall i hate broad shoulders i hate having a browbone#why is my face so wide why is my skull so big why is my ribcage so giant#why are my elbows and knees and feet and hands so giant#why do i literally have the worlds worst nose#why did i have to get the fastest growing adams apple in the world#why did i have to be an early bloomer#i hate being a man why was i born like this
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i might actually be bipolar or something because i feel like a lot of the time I’m fine and then at like random times I’ll just have these weeks where I feel awful and shitty but then there are weeks where im happy and active and productive and i just don’t get it
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stupid algorithm has me thinking about tulpas again
#tulpas and thought forms are so strange to me#like#because yeah sometime they aren’t intentional#but you can choose to make one#you can choose to make some sort of conciousness inside your own head by just imagining it#same with hypnotism#like you’re telling me this shit is real and no one talks about it??
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