silvermoonshitshow

[silvermoonshitshow]

my inferiority has never been clearer to me than in the past weeks. time standing as a testament and commemoration of my awful nature. time itself losing definition. how has it been so long? how has it not been longer?

i just want to die. perfect stillness. no more unpredictability. no more future. no more past. no fear of the decline. i want to skirt along the outer reaches of the event horizon of existence in another's arms, and have those great familiars of comfort and affirmation guide me beyond the event horizon, extending our embrace unto the irrational infinite edge of consciousness along the crossing of life and death. the rest of my life an eternity in their arms and their approval– their ownership.

i would see them in the end as i see the stars. such a collection of divine beauty, unforgivingly out of my reach. and yet they would care. wrap themselves around me. guide me to eternal sleep in comfort. that would be such a blessed end. it's far too good an end for me, and that is likely why I'll never have it.

[silvermoonshitshow]

I've theoretically gained a new lease on life, a spark of hope for the future, but i cannot feel hope in it. right now, all i feel is dread – dread that i won't be able to adapt well enough, that i will remain wretched and miserable even in a whole new environment. i "hope" that moving to a new place where no one knows what i am or my past will allow and make me move on. i *know* that the very possibility is predicated on me passing flawlessly. which i know i don't. i just wanted to be a normal girl, and to grow into a normal woman (or rather, however normal an autist like me could possibly be). i want boring and mushy and soft and cradling. I'm so tired with even the idea of strength, or resilience, or pride. i wanted none of this; my recent "victory" being naught but a concession at best for a life well tortured. i doubt that the victory itself will hold. I'll almost certainly fuck it up. there's so much that can go wrong with international living on one's own. no one will help me. i dream of finding a boyfriend there who sees and loves me as a woman and who helps me establish a life there with him, but alas, i will likely never be perceived as one there. or anywhere. I'm not even a person, how could I possibly masquerade convincingly as the woman i wanted to, or rather, want to be?

[silvermoonshitshow]

every time i try to make new friends, I'm reminded of why i shouldn't. reminded that I'm lesser. incomplete. how i ruin everything by the fact of my presence alone. my envy, jealousy, misery, and bitterness all remain uncontrollable within my heart, no matter what i try. I'm reminded of every failure, every fuckup of mine that has led to this moment. things are only going to her worse unless i figure out how to make them better. i think i know how, in theory. i just can't internalize it, or feel it, or however one would best describe the ever-present and all-consuming void that has only grown larger in isolation. there's no good end. not for something like me. it's made all the worse for being irl, since i can't do online friendships. smth smth high risk high reward. but it's really just high risk, isn't it?

[silvermoonshitshow]

"these researchers published a paper on something that literally any of us could have told you 🙄" ok well my supervisors wont let me write something in my thesis unless I can back it up with a citation so maybe it's a good thing that they're amplifying your voice to the scientific community in a way that prevents people from writing off your experiences as annecdotal evidence

[silvermoonshitshow]

[silvermoonshitshow]

daily self affirmations

i will never be loved

i will never find love

i will never have love

i will never find peace

i will never be happy

i will never be content

i will never be healthy

i will never be skinny

i will never be motivated

i will never be seen

i will never be cared for

i will never be admired

i will never be sought for

i will never be hoped for

i will never have happiness

i will never have time

i will never have ability

i will never have determination

i will never have confidence

i will never have energy

i will never have wealth

i will never have family

i will never have friends

i will never have good things

i deserve bad things because i am a bad person i deserve to bleed, to cry, and to wallow in shame i deserve nothing good of this world. i deserve nothing. nothing.

[silvermoonshitshow]

in absolute tears about the pride module at my work

[silvermoonshitshow]

Victor Frankenstein syndrome aka you spent nights over nights crying and bleeding over this work and now that it's finally done you're just like "nvm. it's trash" and go to bed

[silvermoonshitshow]

Threatening submissives with not killing or hurting them.

If you keep acting up, I’ll abandon you without a second thought. Then who’ll hit you like you need? Who will tell you the awful things about yourself you need to hear? Who will kill you to protect you from the dangers of the world? Who will fuck you and let you carry my offspring, build you up, give you purpose?

If you want to go back to being alone, useless, and at the whim of the undeserving world, then please keep acting up.

[silvermoonshitshow]

what do you know about devotion, darling? about sacrifice? you sit alone in your room, basking in the dim glow of self-inflicted martyrdom, mistaking silence for sanctity and emptiness for grace. you are hollow instead of holy. come to me, my lamb and i will show a suffering that sanctifies, a love worth dying for.

[silvermoonshitshow]

As a trans woman you can generally expect not to be believed about most things: The legal processes you've navigated, effects you've had from transition care, what you had for breakfast, and so on.

But there's one major exception, which is when you're clearly joking.

If you say something like "I'm going to forcefem Richard Nixon for his crimes", you will be subjected to a person who fully and entirely believes that:

You possess the infrastructure and resources necessary to operate a real life forcefemming dungeon sophisticated enough to forcefem not just any captive, but a US President

You intend to wield the power of this forcefem dungeon over political disagreements, and are taking active steps to do so

Your intended target is Richard Nixon, famously a corpse who has been dead for 30 glorious, Nixonless years, and you are apparently going to be able to put him in a state that would be receptive to forcefemming, which is generally understood to require a subject who is alive

Despite the evidence that you are a necromancer with substantial kidnapping abilities, you are receptive to being informed, in a strongly worded post of concern, that necromantic forcefem is immoral.

And once they've caught you in your dastardly scheme, they will not relent at attempts to clarify

[silvermoonshitshow]

i just want to be taken care of. haven’t i suffered enough? i can be gentle and kind and soft. i promise i wont bite. please, take care of me. i’ll take care of you too, you know. we can be good together.

[silvermoonshitshow]

[silvermoonshitshow]

I'm pathetic. i know it well, and have known it for as long as i can remember. i often find myself wondering what that really means. from the very start of my consciousness, i felt inferior. was i just born this way, some inherent truth making me below all others? being trans certainly feels like that, but there are plenty of trans people who *aren't* worthless existences, so I'm lost there. i just need a man who'll take me and make me his stay at home pet and who will burn the world to fire the forge in which he'll weld our souls into one. i need the security and peace of mind that only containment and ownership can provide.

[silvermoonshitshow]

new transcending Instrumentality chapter is out, chapter 8 bbyyyyyyyyyy

this took wayy too long lol

[silvermoonshitshow]

plz guys im begging i need my tits to be bigger 🥺

[silvermoonshitshow]