simpinyves

[simpinyves]

i literally have no problem texting first as long as u make me feel like u actually wanna talk

[simpinyves]

stop checking on them they don’t miss you

[simpinyves]

when will the tears stop:

a faux smile painted on my face with gleaming dark brown eyes. sunlight bouncing off of them; a beautiful sight you might think but it's tears in the eyes that keeps the light reflecting creating the illusion of beauty and sparkle in every blink. holding it all in as much as i can but at last tears stream down my face one by one. i quickly wipe away any residue that's left to keep my appearance looking clean and joyful. however, i have failed to hide the crimson red highlights now peeking through my eyes after crying. my rose blushed nose slightly sniffles as i continue to try to keep it together. it feels as though i have a never ending supply of teardrops waiting to get released. even at times when i am most distracted and happy, somehow you come to mind and it all begins again. breaking down for days on end now. i have restricted myself from consuming water in hopes that maybe a drought will become of me on the inside. maybe that way.. i won't be able to conceive any more tears. with no such luck, i continue to ask myself, "when will they stop."

-yves 07/17/2021

[simpinyves]

no one supports you like an internet friend you never met

[simpinyves]

i feel so dumb and embarrassed after expressing any emotion

[simpinyves]

you still have power over me:

happiness; something i used to have an abundance of. no matter what, i always radiated cheerfulness and smiled openly. now, i can’t seem to keep a grasp of it. seeping through the crevices of my fingers. i try and i try to keep a hold of it but with no luck; i am left with nothing. the cause? you. i never imagined someone could have so much power and control over me. more specifically, my mood. my state of being. you came into my life when i felt like i didn’t need anything or anyone but myself.. or so i thought, till you made an impact in my life. you changed me and i’m still not sure if it was for the better or for the worse. when you became my happiness, the way my day felt depended on you. i looked so forward to waking up and seeing a text or getting a call from you and starting off my day with butterflies overflowing inside of me and feeling like i didn’t fear what i was going up against for the day. in an unforeseen turn of events, those butterflies got consumed in a blackhole of anxiety, also created by you. you, my light, no longer shined inside. it was like walking down the same set of stairs i always did but in the dark. i misplace my foot and miss the next step. my gut sinks, and i brace for impact. never knowing whether i’ll be able to quickly catch myself on the ledge or continue to crash. would you bring me happiness for the day, or would you bring me pain and emptiness. my cheeks glistening with tears as i attempt to bring a smile to my face for everyone else to think i was okay as i was dying inside. we are no longer together and yet it’s as if you still have this sway over me. i stopped getting on social media in dread of seeing what you’ve been up to and basing it for my emotional state. i still think that i’m not enough and blame only myself for how we ended even though i know that the fault was yours as well. that’s how much power you posses over me. this wasn’t how i used to be; nevertheless, it’s how i became with you. i gave you my heart, but you took my soul.

-yves 07/15/2021

[simpinyves]

a thing i never told you:

there’s so much i did and so much more i would’ve done for you. you were so oblivious to them and i don’t blame you. it’s not like i did them in an attempt for you to appreciate me. i did them because i cared and it was my way of loving you. always checking up on you, not just about how your day was but how you were overall. you didn’t really like opening up and yet you did that one night. still, i stayed and never judged you but rather assured you that i would always be here for you even if it was just to listen. helped you get through as much as you allowed me to. checking on you to make sure you ate daily because i knew how busy you’d be and would forget to eat. sometimes even getting you food when you had “nothing”. being available for you even during work or when i was sleeping just in case you ever needed something or felt like talking. there was one thing i was doing that i didn’t exactly unfold the whole truth to you about and i wonder now if that would’ve made the difference. what was it? what circumstance could’ve potentially made the difference if i had disclosed it to you. well, during the moments when i wasn’t able to work, i still found a way to make money and save up. i had always told you it was to be able to buy a plane ticket and go see you when in reality it was much more than that. the funds to go see you were already covered, there was no need to worry about it. the thing was.. it was me saving up to move to where you were. i was willing to leave the place i lived practically my whole life in and follow you to grow together. i was willing to take that leap for you.. for us. while you were at work i would’ve gone to explore homes to live in. surprising you so that we could continue that flame that intertwined within our hearts. maybe if i would’ve told you my plan then you wouldn’t have done what you did and actually waited for me like you said you would. i was never seeking a relationship but when you approached me again after a year, i finally gave you a chance. and i put my all into you but for what? only for you to be a traitor.. a liar.. you kept me there when you didn’t want me anymore because i wasn’t physically with you. in a way maybe i could’ve changed the outcome or maybe it was supposed to happen this way to see the real you. “the things i did, just so i could call you mine””you betrayed me, and i know that you’ll never feel sorry for the way i hurt”

[simpinyves]

dear diary,

it's one of those days. you know, where you felt like you were doing progressively better but then it all just hits you at once again? yeah, one of those.. been a bit since I cried over him but today i completely broke down. it felt like i was back at square one. i don't know how it happened. the day started off good yet somewhere between then and now something triggered me to remember you.. remember us. the radiant feeling you used to give me inside, the way the blood flushed to the apples of my cheeks just by hearing your voice. that sparkle in my eyes whenever i saw you in random pictures or videos you used to send me of what you were doing throughout the day. the late night talks, the random calls to remind me of how infatuated you were with me. and yes i say infatuated because by definition it's falling in love with someone for a short time. that love didn't last. yet I still remember the first night you told me i love you, february 20 of this year. i say i don't regret trying with you because you did make me happier, but at the same time if i could, I would go back in time to ignore your proposal of asking me to talk and be something more than just friends. it burned me out to love you and you let it. now i just feel lost. you found me way better than you left me..

-yves 7/10/2021

[simpinyves]