skitzopost98

[skitzopost98]

I don't see what the point is anymore. Even if it gets better, I still have to deal with what has happened to me already and I'm just too tired for that.

[skitzopost98]

I can't find enjoyment in anything any more.

[skitzopost98]

My internal monologue won't shut the fuck up!!!!

[skitzopost98]

I'm think I'm slowly losing grip of reality but I'm still painful aware of the reality of what's happening to me.

I am increasingly experience negative thoughts and feelings that are not in my control and are disproportionate, mismatched and/or inappropriate for the given situation.

Thankfully I can logically discern if what I'm experiencing is true objective reality or my subjective perception of reality, but it feels unbelievably real at the time, so I have to remind myself to analyse all of my negative emotions and thoughts for discrepancies before deciding if what I'm experiencing is genuine or not.

The longer I have to wait for help, the more I feel like this and I often wonder if I'll get to a stage where I can't discern reality from delusion, if everything becomes so warped that can't see it's origonal state any more, I wonder if i will be able to keep fending off madness as I am now.

I thought I was safe because I have always been very motivated to learn everything I can and use critical thinking to enable my self to look for logical, provably conclusions for everything, but this feels more abstract and honestly I'm getting scared, this seems like something more than just my normal visual/ audible hallucinations.

[skitzopost98]

I never planned live to 18... but here I am, almost 10 years past my guess, still not dead and no longer sure that death is the answer, so now I've gotta somehow figure out how to set up an entire life from scratch while dealing with the never-ending consequences of only living for 10 minutes in the future.

I'm still not 100% sure it's worth all the effort, or if it's even possible to dig my self out of this hole, but I've gotten too far in the last few years to take the easy way out now. I mean even if I just live to not fuck up more, I think that's progress.

At minimum I can just emerse myself in games, drawing, writing, TV, books, any kind of distraction and never leave the house if dont want to, but I know I need to atleast try to keep on top of cleanliness, health, nutrition, money/ budgeting, staying sober more than 75% of the time, socializing, healing and doing atleast some exercise.

If I can do all of that consistently for a while, I might be able to form some kind of realistic plan on what to do next.

If anyone reading this has any ideas and/or questions, please let me know.