skyjacking

[skyjacking]

I adore my cat. she is one of the best things in my life, she's so fluffy and soft and I always want to give her the best food so she'll be happy and healthy. I love it when she makes biscuits on my blanket when I'm feeling depressed and when she squeaks at me for attention. I love my cat because she's the only creature who really just likes me for me. this has been a cat appreciation post. thanks for reading.

[skyjacking]

I can't stop thinking about a tiktok I saw about a week ago, I've never seen the good doctor but it was a short clip of Shaun, who's autistic, and his girlfriend is breaking up with him because he can't change the fact that he's autistic (very short version). Sam and I have been getting into more disagreements lately, I think it's because I've been trying to unmask, and sam is, for some reason, just not really able to understand what I'm saying. she shuts me down if I try to explain myself because I'm just trying to understand why sam is saying and doing things, and she thinks I'm trying to argue. I've heard about this before from other autistics, and I think that it's just the barrier between allistics and autistics. I just . . . . I can't understand sam, and she doesn't want to try to understand or accommodate me. I know I'm trying, but I don't know if sam is trying to keep our friendship together.

[skyjacking]

i've been trying to unmask in general lately, and it hurts. it hurts so much knowing just how much of myself i've suppressed for so long, and it hurts every time i force myself to take a deep breath and put the mask back up, because now i know what's missing. it also hurts to hear others ask me not to stim because it makes them anxious, or it makes them think I'm not paying attention, or makes them think who knows what because i can't read their complicated facial expressions because I'm not around them enough to realize there's a pattern, or what it is, or how it applies to that specific person. it's exhausting. and I'm so tired of it.

[skyjacking]

EDIT: wow I really wrote this a few days ago and just realized that hey, that's literally a shutdown

does anyone else get like emotional burnout? I'm on the higher-empathy end where I just FEEL other people's emotions which includes movies, shows, book characters, the vibes of any of the above, and when there's any large amount of emotion (any emotion, whether positive or negative), I just start.......shutting down. like I start getting tired and drained like I just felt those emotions, and I usually just go to sleep. It's like with my own emotions, I feel to much and my brain just decides that it's done and needs to turn off to process the emotion. I've had shutdowns because of watching movies like the Dead Poet Society or because I read some really heavy things. any other autistic people feel this way? I've never heard it mentioned, but it could just be a part of my alexithymia? I just call them "emotional overloads".

[skyjacking]

Sam hates my headphones, I like to wear them because they help me not get overstimulated. I tried to explain that to Sam. She told me she never wanted to see them again.

[skyjacking]

Sam gets mad at me whenever I have a shutdown. I think it's because she gets anxious around me because she can't see me (I hide under the bed) or because I go nonverbal? either way, I wish I understood her more. She's a good friend but there's times like these when i don't understand why she doesn't make an effort to understand me. Sam also thinks I'm arguing with her a lot, when I'm just stating what I'm trying to say and trying to clarify on what she said and why she said it because I want to understand what she's saying because she's sarcastic a lot and I dont get most of her or other's humor either, I've just noticed patterns in the tone and types of jokes/sarcasm she uses which helps me respond in a way she'll understand/like. I wish that Sam would accommodate when I need it.

[skyjacking]

hi! I made this blog for me to be able to express things about my everyday life as an audhder and share my experiences, as well as to help me along the path to an official diagnoses (for me, it's for self validation). i'll occasionally post about my special interests (reading/books/fanfiction, harry potter, my cat) and i'll also post about my friend who i'm going to call sam on this blog (she's my only friend)