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[sleepinginks]

roy/lunar

cw: covid, rambling of mental health, dissociation, physical health, views on death/dying.

I ended up catching covid for the first time about a week and a half ago.

I have been feeling so weird while I have had it. I went from sleeping for almost 2 days straight to having and semi-manic episode yesterday where I was awake for around 25 hours due to getting dissociated/sucked in on learning discord programming (oops). I slept most of today so I'm fine now but most of the last two weeks have been more of a blur than usual. I was so sick that I actually missed a philza stream for the first time since I've started watching him and its thrown off the autism side of my brain.

Getting covid has also given me some health anxiety about how it will end up effecting my health since I can tell it has been putting extra strain on my heart. Like not in the "oh no I'm scared I'm going to die", but more in the "well shit I hope this doesn't mess with results of the heart tests I'm going to be getting soon" due to me not really being scared of dying since I've already come to terms that I'm probably going to be dying a lot younger then most due to my health issues. I'm not angry about my disabilities, it's more annoying than anything.

[sleepinginks]

Roy:

I have no idea how we are still alive when we are in such constant levels of pain.

We're having a stupid migraine where it's pressure not only on the outside of our head pushing in, but also inside of it pushing out. It's also been putting us in trauma pain loops because of course it is.

God this is so frustrating not having the money to have a CAT scan and spinal x-ray done

[sleepinginks]

Ari:

Yo sorry if you got weird spam from us. We were saving drafts to the wrong account and being stupid. All fix now lol

[sleepinginks]

Ari:

I hate my father.

And I hate the stupid codependency that I have been struggling to work through since getting away two years ago.

He has been the primary abuser my whole life.

But those stupid fucking feelings of love, hate, anger, fury, saddens, regret, betrayal, rage, and mournful defeat every time I think about any memory growing up is so overwhelming that all I can do in get into a piping hot bath and cry.

Having to live walking on eggshells and then stomping on said eggshells to run and get between him and my younger siblings whenever they made a wrong move will never be something I will unlearn.

The wave of immense memories will just keep washing over and over until I pass out and fall asleep from exhaustion every time our brain gets into the looping of remembering and spiraling down into self blame which was only amplified by growing up severely catholic happens much more often in our subconscious and dreams than we let on.

It has gotten better since starting therapy but it will never stop.

When we get a pain in our chest not related to our health issues, we know it's because someone in the system is either remembering or splitting off because they can't handle it.

I can't and will never be able to learn how to relax because of him.

I hate him and will never forget.

[sleepinginks]

Also hi I'm Grey. Yes. I am the goat man dancing on your bridge. Fear me. Or not. Up to you. If not we can just hang at my bonfire drinking some non dairy coco and ramble about some hyper fixations

Am I a RGB pixie bitch goat man based on some catholic trauma and those weird fuzzy colors when you rub your eyes to hard? Yes. Will I go more into it? I don't see why not but not right now, brain to tired and imma take a nap.

Enjoy the gay rights goat person

[sleepinginks]

Grey:

Why is it all just banging our head against the wall repeatedly. Like jesus fuckIN CHRIST these mental health issues got HANDS

[sleepinginks]

It's so weird looking back at this drawing now. (ft. little and roy)

tw: childhood trauma/toxic family unit/medical trauma/anti-vax/mindbending/did/dissociation/derealization/trans related family issues

Roy:

When I drew this, it was originally for me to mentally separate myself a bit from the image of a young girl my family still had in their heads about me so I could be more comfortable as myself as non binary. Since I was winding up to go to my first therapy appointment, I wanted to at least get a bit of leg work going before hand.

This was the last thing any of us drew, but more specifically I drew before we started going to therapy and we found out we concretely had DID at the beginning of 2021. At the time we were severely struggling with finally having escaped a extremely toxic family unit and all that goes along with that, aka our whole world was actually (mentally) collapsing and unraveling.

The little girl on the left is (now unsurprisingly) our oldest alter. Even though the context of the drawing it is completely different now, it very much still fits. She never got to grow up and is still is only 5-7ish. Our traumas started much earlier but 2007/8 is when she couldn't take things anymore and has spent most of our life in and sudo timeloop.

Side note: We also didn't know at the time but we are intersex but since we hadn't gone in for any sort of medical doctor since we were twelve (it's complicated) we never knew until last year (2021).

This drawing is one I drew right before the other one in this post. I had only just started drawing myself (Roy) much more non human in nature.

These are some of the more recent portaits that I did of myself or that someone else in the system did of me.

These first three I did of myself. The first one was while I was processing how traumatized we actually were (/neg) and the second was me in the color pallet of the aro flag. The last one is the most recent one I did and I would say a mix of it with the first one is probably most accurate to what I look like.

Side note: I recommend looking at these on mobile for the most accurate version of the images.

Now these two were done by Ari. In my opinion she is probably one of if not the best artist of all of us. All of the B&W art she does starts on a black canvas and white charcoal is definitely her tool of choice. She just has a way with how she does lighting that never fails to blow me away.

[sleepinginks]

About us/boundaries

Please read before leaving any asks

General blog trigger warnings:

religious trauma/sa/csa/mental health abuse/disabled abuse/growing up repressed lgbtq+ related trauma/familial\parental estrangement/ and related topics.

-!This blog will have a certain amount of personal info about who we are and some of the trauma we have delt with. Please remember that we are a person who has actually experienced these things and that this first and foremost a way for us to write our thoughts down and out of our head.!-

-Introdutions-

We are someone who has been diagnosed with DID aka dissociative identity disorder. For context this is a disorder that is caused by repeated severe childhood trauma by a caregiver (or close adult) before the age of 8/9 and fundamentally changes how the brain process trauma. (Colin A. Ross, MD who was the first and still is the leading researcher on DID for over thirty years is a great resource if you would like to read/watch more of the topic. He has a few of his lectures on youtube (link is one of said lecture) for free.)

At last count we have roughly 40+ alters in our system and about a dozen that front on a regular basis.

The alters that will be posting the most on here are

Roy: he/they/ze, non-human, biblically accurate angels vibes :tag: roy ramble

Tilo: she/they/ze, non-human, used to be part of Roy :tag: tilo loitering

Grey: they/them/ze, non-human, nickname-goatman, used to be part of Roy :tag: grey the goatman

Ariana: she/they, human, nickname-Ari, 19 :tag: ari ginja ninja

Lunar: she/they, literally the moon :tag: lunar low hours

Wander: they/them, dragon, mouth piece for littles :tag: wander the dragon and wander mouth piece

Mr Jace: he/him, vampire (vibes of alucard from hellsing), vamp may feel eye roll worthy but its because of trauma related to blood :tag: Jace vamp corner

Other info: body is 22, POC, we are intersex but raised as female by force, we will not be posting pictures our body physically here but we are an "accountant" by trade that can be found in other places. This is due to our physical disabilities that lead to us not being able to have a more traditional job anymore, fun fact: before our body basically imploded we worked as an EMT and before that a semi professional dancer (never associated with a particular company but had been scouted by them and did freelance)

If we do not answer as ask, know its for a good reason and not related to who may be asking it.

Thank you for reading and we hope that you can vibe with us in our little corner.