sleepyheadscompany - Tumblr blog

[sleepyheadscompany]

free palestine

Dear

I hope this message finds you well. I am reaching out to you with a heavy heart and a desperate plea for help. My family and I are facing an increasingly dire situation in Gaza, where the security conditions, lack of proper nutrition, and absence of basic life necessities have made it impossible to live safely.

I am striving to relocate eight members of my family to Egypt, where we can find the safety and stability that we desperately need. However, I have only been able to raise 11% of the necessary funds, leaving us far short of our goal.

The situation in Gaza worsens each day, and the urgency to secure my family's safety grows more critical with each passing moment. I humbly request your support in raising the needed funds as quickly as possible. Any contribution, no matter how small, will bring us closer to our goal and provide us with a glimmer of hope in these challenging times.

Please consider donating and sharing our story with others who may be able to help. Your kindness and generosity can make a life-saving difference for my family.

Thank you for taking the time to read my appeal. I am eternally grateful for your support.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/i-want-to-evacuate-my-family-from-the-gaza-strip?utm_medium=social&utm_source=whatsapp&utm_campaign=p_nacp+share-sheet

Sincerely,

Ahmed Abushammala

please help ahmed and his family get to safety, by donating or sharing!

[sleepyheadscompany]

I’m such a bad ace.

Happy belated day of ace visibility to all my fellow acespec people and the empty void im talking to!

🖤🩶🤍💜

[sleepyheadscompany]

TW: DID struggles, fear of faking, mention of long inpatient stays

hello!

It’s been a while since i’ve posted anything DID so imma just type I guess.

I’ve been having some of the worst DID imposter syndrome ever and i guess that’s sort of expected for how my system functions.

I discovered my system in 2021 during covid. I was actually in the best place I’d ever been in right before covid. My spiral downward was pretty sharp. My system kicked into action and I wouldn’t really hold front for more than a few days at a time. This would go on for a few months.

I went inpatient for that and similar issues, got out, went in again a few months later and stayed in inpatient mental health treatment for more than 7 months straight and then post hospitalization for exactly a year immediately afterwards. Traumatizing as it was, it made systemhood pretty easy to spot.

I’ve been doing better. My system activity is very much based on necessity. When things are good, my system is pretty much quiet. But once things get bad or I get triggered, things get fuzzy or I might even black out.

Like right now, the last time I remember being triggered and switching was in October/November. (a lot of the time switching happens without me realizing until after i get a date wrong or miss some information) I’m doing pretty normal. It feels too good to be true honestly.

Now. the crux of the issue: was I just faking? Was I just searching for an answer to my problem all those years ago and, like, gaslit myself into believing it? When I first talked to a therapist about DID I didn’t really have social media or know it was a big trend to fake it.

My high school psychology 101 class had a DID unit. That’s how I learned what it was. I didn’t even suspect that’s what it was until a therapist laid out all my symptoms for me and told me I was also severely dissociating. It clicked, I mentioned alters as a possibility, the rest is history.

I feel like my DID is so different to tiktok’s version. (yes, eventually I caved and downloaded tiktok to see what the community was like. I promptly closed out of the app./j) I’m not officially diagnosed, but multiple therapist have referred to what I have as DID. Before that, I never would have actually called it that out of fear. That’s part of it I think.

I’m “medically recognized” is the best way I know to put it. I feel like my experience with systemhood is too different. I don’t have stellar communication with my alters or access to headspace or a little paper that says i’m super extra valid as per a doctor I could never afford on my own.

We don’t have different hand writing or different accents or different IQs as far as I know. There aren’t 100+ of us or even more than 10. I hardly even know what my alters look like?? i mean how do people even know that stuff??? Do they guess???? I can imagine what some look like because they’ve said stuff in passing but i’ve never ‘seen’ them.

I feel all this pressure to pretend like I do have all this stuff because i’m worried someone’s going to harass me if i don’t. Some “your DID isn’t the right super edgy aesthetic” type bs.

ESPECIALLY now that my alters don’t really talk to me now that life is better. Oh and GOD forbid a system have a normal, not agony filled life. I feel more fake than ever bc my DID is ‘wrong’ and it’s not causing me constant immediate distress. I’ve cried and yelled and hurt myself over this disorder. Like ptsd breakdowns with a side of looking in the mirror and not recognizing my own face. But it doesn’t feel good enough.

I’ve ACTUALLY had issues with severe dissociation and derealization and fuge and it’d be really embarrassing for none of it to have been real yk? So i’m worried.

But I guess, in the same vain, I’ve cried and yelled and hurt myself over this disorder. If that’s not real struggle, I’m not sure what is.

-Saturn🪐

[sleepyheadscompany]

good riddance!!

good riddance live

[sleepyheadscompany]

[sleepyheadscompany]

Not what I’d usually post but I CANNOT miss today.

I do this only because it’s somebody’s (💥👀) sPECIAL DAYYYY!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EXPLOSION BITCH🧡🖤💚

[sleepyheadscompany]

BRUH that’s so funny I’m laughing my ass off rn😭

-idk but not Mio or Bett

TW: ED

Sometimes I hate how my system works dude. Like sometimes I’m so impressed at how well we work together and others I’m like wtf we’re so dumb, how are we still alive.

I was having ‘one of those days’ (iykyk) and was nauseous at the thought of eating. Usually when that happens, my primary protector, Bett, will switch in bc I’ll be stressed, and they’ll eat for me. But today, Bett switched in and obviously I was supposed to switch out. Since I don’t really have access to headspace unless things get BAD, I was expecting to black out and come back to my bowl empty. That did not happen. What DID happen though is that I was co-con and still completely aware that the body was gonna eat. 

Since I was there, I was still not feeling good about eating. But Bett was probably like ‘nonono it’s fineee’ but when he went to eat, our stomach did not like it. At all. Worst meal I’ve ever been conscious for 0/10. 

And you know what else, she ate the whole thing. Bett ate the whole damn thing even though I know for a fact that it tasted like shit. He said so her damn self. After the first bite, we just kinda sat there and waited for me to leave like our brain was a damn elevator that got stuck. When that didn’t work, Bett said ‘fuck it’ and ate the nastiest meal I’ve ever tasted. Probably did it to prove a point to me. About how eating is important (like I don’t know). What a dumbass. Love her though.💜💜

-🐢

[sleepyheadscompany]

TW: SH

Just cut myself on accident while shaving. It’s pretty big for a shaving wound but far from dangerous. Thing is, I panicked so hard thinking I was gonna die from blood loss and got lightheaded out of anxiety.

A few years ago that wouldn’t have made me flinch for how often I saw my own blood. I’ve given myself far worse wounds that actually made me light headed from blood loss and I handled those all on my own.

The fact that this made me freak out that much says a lot about how far I’ve come I think. The thought of getting hurt like that scares me. Never used to before. I feel so lucky to have gotten the treatment I did.

[sleepyheadscompany]

TW: ED

Sometimes I hate how my system works dude. Like sometimes I’m so impressed at how well we work together and others I’m like wtf we’re so dumb, how are we still alive.

I was having ‘one of those days’ (iykyk) and was nauseous at the thought of eating. Usually when that happens, my primary protector, Bett, will switch in bc I’ll be stressed, and they’ll eat for me. But today, Bett switched in and obviously I was supposed to switch out. Since I don’t really have access to headspace unless things get BAD, I was expecting to black out and come back to my bowl empty. That did not happen. What DID happen though is that I was co-con and still completely aware that the body was gonna eat. 

Since I was there, I was still not feeling good about eating. But Bett was probably like ‘nonono it’s fineee’ but when he went to eat, our stomach did not like it. At all. Worst meal I’ve ever been conscious for 0/10. 

And you know what else, she ate the whole thing. Bett ate the whole damn thing even though I know for a fact that it tasted like shit. He said so her damn self. After the first bite, we just kinda sat there and waited for me to leave like our brain was a damn elevator that got stuck. When that didn’t work, Bett said ‘fuck it’ and ate the nastiest meal I’ve ever tasted. Probably did it to prove a point to me. About how eating is important (like I don’t know). What a dumbass. Love her though.💜💜

-🐢

[sleepyheadscompany]

actually im curious what type of switching do yall experience

[sleepyheadscompany]

THIS IS A RANT, LEAVE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ IT!!!

TW for everything DID?? Idk:

Been a bit lost and disoriented for a few days and thought I’d let the void hear all about it.

I’m so fucking done with this system bullshit. Whoever gave this to me can take it the fuck back, I don’t want it and never HAVE wanted it. Can’t imagine why people would want to have this disorder. It sucks. It sucks when I can’t have my partner because of it. it sucks when I keep myself awake for days at a time over sleep anxiety that someone gonna hurt me again. It sucks when I’m in bed crying about not being able to remember shit. It sucks when I’m in bed dealing with flashbacks and nightmares. It also sucks when I’m in bed crying about both of those things and also crying and screaming and kicking at the fact that this is my reality, and I can’t escape it.

I can never get out of my own head. That shit stings. I can’t ever leave, as much as I’ve tried, hence why I have this disorder in the first place. Because I couldn’t handle the shit going on in my head. So, I screwed myself over for life by trying to run away so hard my brain took it too literally and put someone else there so I could run away for a little while, not knowing that that same person would also fuck me over themself later on in life.

I don’t blame them, at least not anymore, for fucking with me like she did. Alters have so much control over each other. They don’t even realize they have that much power most of the time (from my experience, at least). You can fuck with someone’s whole reality and interpretation of the world in a system. Sharing a brain with someone who has a narrative that they won’t give up on to the point that they literally get into your head and fuck up years of your life sucks. If you didn’t catch that already.

I’ll never be the fucking same. I can’t trust anyone. Even the people in my own goddamn head who are meant to protect me. Them’s the breaks I guess..

This disorder has RUINED my life and people WANT to have it????

What kind of masochistic shit is this??

I’d like to personally ask every person that fakes this disorder for fun or who romanticizes it why the fuck they hate themselves so much. Like, I HATE myself, with a very capital H, but even I don’t hate myself enough to want to subject myself to the torment that is this disorder. People are fucking insane, man.

AND THEN there’s the people who want to deny that it even exists???

Like, excuse me but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

YOU AND YOUR BELIFES DETERMINE THE COURSE OF MY LIFE AND THE LIVES OF SO MANY OTHER TRAUMATIZED PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SO ROYALY FUCKED BY THE WORLD THAT THEIR TRAUMA HAS UPROOTED THEIR LIVES AND YOU WANT TO. WHAT? SAY THAT OUR MASS AMOUNTS OF TRAUMA DIDN’T DO WHAT WE THINK IT DID WHEN WE LIVE WITH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION EVERY FUCKING DAY?? HOW FUCKING SICK TO YOU HAVE TO BE???

Is all of my suffering and trauma and torment by the hands of people I can’t even escape fake to them? I don’t know what to tell you, man. The science is there. The consistency of symptoms between people that have never even met and all share similar experiences is there. What more evidence do you need? Like the theory of structural dissociation is pretty sound to me and reflects a ton of people’s experiences. 

DID has been in the DSM for years and has still kept its place, to this day, in the latest versions. Yet, people are still denying its existence when a good amount of them a) DON’T EVEN HAVE PSYCH DEGREES?? and b) use outdated information on DID and its history. Like, get over yourselves. Not seeing much room for argument. And people LOVE to bring up all the times YEARS AGO that people diagnosed it willy-nilly because it was cool when, nowadays, even some of the worst therapists I’ve ever had are hesitant to diagnose it out of fear of repeating history. Thats gotta mean SOMETHING.

And yeah, I understand that people don’t want to believe that so many young children are getting traumatized so badly it fucks them over from before they reach double digits to the moment they die (sometimes) but FUCK! The world is messed up and the brain does what it’s gotta do to survive dude. Idk man, cry about it, I guess.

I’m so fucking done with everything that comes with DID that I just might do something I’ll regret (I’m not actually gonna do anything, but let me be dramatic.) Everything sucks and I just wanna go home, wherever home is. I’m genuinely gonna cry I’m so fucking done get me out of here PLEASE!! I’m begging and I want out. Lord.

(Came back and read this months later and damn some of this didn’t make sense. I edited some stuff but everything said is the same as before.)

-🐢

[sleepyheadscompany]

Damn, I don’t remember writing this shit lmao -🐢

I’m so fricking mentally ill.

I just broke up with my partner for that reason. I also immediately went to look for someone new so i think i’m an asshole too.

I’m constantly surrounded by people (my alters) and yet, lately I’ve felt so lonely. I just want a friend who gets it.

[sleepyheadscompany]

I’m so fricking mentally ill.

I just broke up with my partner for that reason. I also immediately went to look for someone new so i think i’m an asshole too.

I’m constantly surrounded by people (my alters) and yet, lately I’ve felt so lonely. I just want a friend who gets it.

[sleepyheadscompany]

I was recently scrolling through social media, as one does, and I stumbled upon a systems post. It was riddled with uneducated trolls asking a bunch of very obviously not well meaning questions. While I was scrolling through the comments, I took the time to respond to a few people and it made me realize something:

People are shitty.

People are always going to be shitty and there’s nothing we can do about it. They can have all the information and education on a subject they can get, but they’ll never use it to be less of an ass.

My experience with this disorder is not something I’ve ever talked about at length on any kind of social media and I want to use this space to do so. My fear for a while was that people would have ammunition to hurt me and my system. But after reading those posts and getting hate myself, (because I took the time to reply to those people) I’ve realized I couldn’t care less about what some assholes on the internet has to say about our validity as a system.

To all the systems out there, stay safe and keep on keeping on. The world may not like us right now but we are here to stay! 🖤💙🤍💜

-Mio🐢

[sleepyheadscompany]

🖤💙🤍💜

system pride flag 🫂

pride flag for osddid systems because i can't find any that i like that i can confirm arent pro-endo or otherwise problematic. c-did/did/osdd1/p-did are disorders formed in early childhood as a result of repetitive trauma and beyond that symptoms / similarities can vary greatly across the disorders. endo/xeno origin "systems" fuck off this isnt for you. systems who don't remember their trauma, dont know the disorder causing their multiplicity and undiagnosed systems may use this flag.

[sleepyheadscompany]

I’m not one who likes to bash people for their decisions and this said it all beautifully.

i don’t support endogenic systems i support people who feel like they have multiple or plural identities in their brain and it’s not caused by trauma. endogenic systems use terms coined by trauma sufferers to describe their experiences and it’s always good to have terms for your experiences but please don’t take them from people with dissociative mental illnesses. i’m not gonna tell you what’s going on your own brain and feel free to build a community of your own where you and like-minded people can share and bond over your experiences. it’s even fine to compare (and i say this lightly, comparing is fine but don’t act like experiences are the same) but don’t conflate it with a mental disorder. please.