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[slipping-away-tonight]

2018 Goals

It’s now 2018. It’s safe to say 2017 was rather shit, so lets try and make this year somewhat decent.

- Watch more sunsets and sunrises. Just get out a bit more this year.

- Go back to some form of exercise; gym, walks, runs. You gained too much weight this year, don’t fuck it all up.

- Start taking your medication again. It’s no secret you’re depressed, sort it out. 

- Read more. What happened to your love of reading? 

- Take more photos. You don’t have to get dead into photography again, but take your camera out more, even just take more photos on your phone. 

- Spend more time with friends. You lost a lot of friends in 2017, lets not lose anymore in 2018. Even make new friends if you can. 

- Focus more on your job. You don’t have to even stay in this job; just do well. 

- Try and sort your relationship out. You’re both unhappy; either settle the house issues and leave one another or find a way to be happy together again. 

- Lets maybe try a driving lesson this year. Even if it’s just one. 

[slipping-away-tonight]

2017.

Well, where to start...

The year is very nearly over, and oh my, how things have changed. 

It’s truly mad to think that at the start of this year I was at university?! Although uni was a truly lovely experience in terms of my flat, the friends I made, moving out and living in Cornwall, the actual course killed me. It ruined my love for photography, for learning and my motivation to do anything with my life. Thankfully, at the end of January I told myself to just do it. Just leave that shitty course, and even though I had to go back to living with my mum for a while, it was worth not waking up every single day and dreading the thought of having to go into uni and that I was just wasting so much money on something I truly hated. 

Things took a turn at the end of January. The day I dropped out of my university course, I got a call from a recruitment agency, asking to put me forward to work in a digital marketing company and start an apprentice. Of course, I was over the moon. I said yes, travelled back to Plymouth and attended the interview. Thankfully I got accepted and on January 28th I began my journey in the marketing world. Now it’s almost a year later and for the most part I love my job. The large majority of the people I work with are truly lovely people. On the other hand, there is a fair few people I have worked with in the company and still do, that I cannot stand. But that’s life. I’m doing well in the job role, I’ve got 3 more months until I’m officially an Account Executive and all the hard work will have finally paid off. 

Relationship wise, the start of the year was a mess. I was so hung up on one boy from university I never thought he would leave my mind. Shockingly, as soon as I stopped seeing him every single day, I quickly forgot how much I wanted to be with him. Shortly after returning to Plymouth, despite having my lovely lil job within marketing, I sadly started out on Apprenticeship wage (£500 a month for full time hours? No thank you), so I did end up going back to doing nightclub photography for a bit of extra cash. Whilst this job was shit second time round, I ended up catching up with everyone I had previously made friends with before I quit the job to move away for uni, and this ended up in a huge, huge crush. We rushed things rather fast, he took me for coffee the following week, and then the day after that first date we were official. Part of me wonders what I was thinking. Yes I had known him for almost a year before we got together, but I also hardly knew anything about him?! It wasn’t until AFTER we were a couple that I knew how old he was (luckily it wasn’t too bad, so it was fine). Things got serious really fast, which terrifies me. Within 2 weeks he met my family, and within a month we spent nearly every night together. With him living in Mutley, it made my commute to Derriford a lot easier than getting to work from my parents house in Keyham, so we spent a lot of time at his. The independence of just being in his house where there were no adults was so lovely. Forward 5 months, he had realised that working in a nightclub 2 nights a week wasn’t going to pay the bills now he was no longer a student so he got himself a full time job. I felt like I was finally in an adult relationship. I wasn’t (technically) a student and nor was my partner. He lived alone, he was a real adult (24 years old, what the fuck Ellie that went against all sort of rules?!) and things felt real. I then got a pay rise which enabled me to move out. So, we did. We didn’t really think too much about it, we just found a cute lil flat we both fell in love with, that allowed my kitten and was easy enough to get to work to. We moved in together, my parents were happy, his were happy, and we thought we were too. Living with someone really strains a relationship, it’s not all fun and roses. Things. Are. Tough. Mentally, I’m hard work, I know that, but it doesn’t help when he’s not the best person to deal with your mental issues. The relationship is a mess, and it’s mainly my fault. We’re working on it, I suppose. But for now, I am ended 2017 living with my partner, being somewhat happy with him and at least knowing something good came from this year. I fell in love again.

My health. Boy oh boy what a rollercoaster this has been. Mentally, things are shit. I both really want to die and really want to live. I can’t help but feel that I’ve got myself in a rut, where nothing feels right. All I’m doing is stressing financially, working my ass off for a shit salary, just waiting for next year when my year appraisal comes along which will also give me the pay I have been working towards this year. I’ve always been a money worrier, but now more so that I have a million bills to pay for, myself and partner to pay for AND 2 lovely cats. Despite mentally really not being well, things will get better. I have to tell myself that every single time towards the end of the year as I seem to just go on self-destruct mode. Every year ends in a bad mental state, and I’m not quite sure why. In terms of my physical health, i’m not unhealthy by any means. But fuck me, these migraines are killing me. I officially come under ‘chronic pain’ and the 5 year long battle of being a migraine sufferer is starting to feel like something is happening. After years of various medications, crying, throwing up, wishing I was dead than deal with all of this pain, I finally got referred to a neurologist. Being referred at least settles my mind as I am actually getting the help I feel I need. Although, now I can’t stop thinking about what if nothing shows up? What if I spent 5 years fighting for some sort of help for my migraines and it all comes back as nothing is wrong and i’m back to square 1? For now, there’s nothing more I can do but wait. Wait until mid-end 2018 before they consider me an appointment. Oh fun.

In 2017 I lost my life long best friend. My little furry, retarded, special friend finally died and I don’t think I will ever truly get over it.I thought losing my eldest cat was hard, but fucking hell nothing was as hard as losing my favourite cat. The one who always chose me, who comforted me no matter what, who was always there. Yes, he was just a cat. But from a baby, he was mine. I cannot remember a moment in my life when he wasn’t there and I was in denial that he was getting old. He did well for being such a special little cat. I am so glad that he got t olive with just me (and Liam) for his final few days and I am forever sorry that he ended up being treated badly by some horrible vet who said he was ‘young’ and ‘perfectly healthy’ and failed to recognise the huge tumour that even I, a untrained vet, could feel on his side. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t push it, I just told myself ‘he’s a vet, he knows best’ and left you to live your last days in pain. You’re safe now, you’re no longer in pain and you died loved. You made the biggest impact on my life that any cat ever could have (sorry Luna). 

Concerts. This year has been THE year for seeing big bands live. I have seen some truly incredible people and although I am not involved in the music scene anymore in terms of photography and local gigs, I saw some childhood favourites. Green Day, Sum 41, Simple Plan and Blink 182. Although I have seen various other insane band this year, these 4 truly stick out. I am forever thankfully that I got to experience them live and despite the huge, huge migraine attacks I experience throughout them, it was totally worth it. They killed it and I don’t think many other things in life will top seeing them live. Front row for Blink 182 and Green Day was truly an experience I never thought would happen. They were worth the insane amount of money paid for the gig tickets and truly made my dreams come true. If anything else, those 4 gigs made being alive worth it.

All in all, 2017 was... something. 2018, you may not be better. If anything, you may be worse in many ways. I am hoping for better financial stability and to find some sort of reason for my migraines. The rest can just be as it is, I’m not in a mental state of minding what goes on in my life. I am just alive and sometimes that’s enough. 

[slipping-away-tonight]

UPDATED YEARS PLAN

Well everything has changed. New lil list of lil plans for the year;

- quit uni. i fucking hate this course and it is not worth all this stress and stupid amounts of my own money I have to put into it.

- get another job. a proper job. 

- pls try and get some sort of job/carreer in admin again (even if u have to end up going for a long term apprenticeship alongside sott job)

- learn to, or at least start, learning to drive

- go back to the gym/running/yoga 

- pls try and like smoothies

- pls go back to therapy, even if for a lil bit

- at least try and get over ur weird fucking seed phobia u twat

[slipping-away-tonight]

New Years

Well 2016 was about as shit as expected but heres a few lil ol’ resolutions for myself:

- STOP SLEEPING AROUND U IDIOT - seriously what was 2016? get a grip Ellie u twat; sleeping around isn’t doing you any good. Stop. That. Now.

- Sort out your health, both physical and mentally - Get your ass to a doctors and keep nagging until you get some help about the migraines youve had for years!!! Same goes for ur mental health; get help u twit

- Get a bit more fitter - No need to lose weight (there is a need but no pressure girl) Walk to uni more often. Go on walks at least twice a week. Eat less Dominos. Just learn to adult a bit more u loser 

- Let that fucker go. He’s not worth it. Yes he’s hot as fuck. Yes you get on like a house on fire. But drop it. He’s an a* fuck boy.

- Stop worrying about bloody everything. It’s not as bad as it seems! Take a walk to the beach and calm down!

- Stop stressing about money. You’re a student, you’re meant to be poor. Just because you’re at a posh uni where everyones parents are paying doesn’t mean ur doing anything wrong!! You’re doing everything yourself; be proud. 

- Get a new job. What you do is not worth your shitty pay and shitty new supervisor. 

- Stop leaving your uni work to the last minute and stop procrastinating (oh the irony of me writing this as I should be doing a huge project due in 3 days!!!)

- Stop getting so drunk you end up injured- NYE being a great example as these cuts all up ur arm are gonna get questioned when ur stood in front of ur entire year giving a presentation u twat

- Learn to be alone. You’ve lived alone for 4 months yet still struggle being alone u pussy - stop spending so much time with that fuck boy and be alone instead of spending weeks together. It’s doing u no good.

All in all just have a better year u twat  

[slipping-away-tonight]

Update

Well, I’m finally getting some more free time. Or perhaps i always had free time, i was just massively procrastinating thinking about my life and trying to put things into perspective. Granted I have a great life. The only reason I struggle so much is personal issues. Overthinking every situation and being so sensitive (despite constantly trying to come off in the complete opposite) 

School. Under a week to go and then i’ve finally finished all 7 years of secondary compulsory school. It’s been tough, as expected. I know I won’t do well simply for the lack of effort in my final year which is fine by me. I’ve sat all my exams and tried to some extent and that’s what counts. Since I won’t have school to go to anymore (even though we all know my attendance was below 30%, but still) I’m slowly picking up a 3rd job to hopefully fill up all the spare time I don’t particularly want right now. Besides, it’ll be great experience and things to put on my CV.

Relationships. Boys. That’s always a fun one. With recent events I’ve sat back and (drunkenly) thought about past relationships, one night stands and ‘things’ i’ve had with people and i’ve come to the conclusion they all have had the same  outcome; they’ve been a bit shit. The fact my last 2 sexual encounters were one night stands puts things into perspective for me. No one cares. End of. Boys (well i guess ‘men’ now that we’re all 18) just don’t really care. Don’t take into account the fact some people have feelings and do care a bit when told the only reason they spoke to them was to ‘try and get some action’. That’s not massively a big deal really, considering I have cats and I’ve always been fairly content spending time alone. But at the end of the day, it’s a bit shit when all your partners have ended up treating you like shit and the guys you’ve gotten close to and spoken to have all tried (or successfully in some cases) to sleep with you.

I know for a fact I need time away. Not just a holiday (which i do get v v soon and I couldn’t be more excited). But to properly get away. For months, to live somewhere new. Now that alone is the only thing really making me want to go to university. Granted it’s a low chance i’ll get in with how this year ended, but that’s fine. We will just have to see. But a new set of people, new surroundings and just new encounters is what’s needed right now. Maybe i’ll get that, maybe I won’t. Who knows?

My health. Well, that’s never been good, ever since I was a kid. Mentally i’m doing shit, as expected really. But somehow i’m still alive so that’s a start. I have no intentions of fully sorting this out anytime soon either really. I’m just going to drink a bit, work a lot and hope for the best. Physically is also a bit shit, which isn’t that great but again, I doubt i’ll do much about it anytime soon. 

All in all, these late nights where majority of the time i’m not home until 4am have made me realise maybe that’s all i need. Is to get out the house, spend time with friends and even myself. I mean i’m slowly working on myself in terms of appearance (kind of). Something i’ve never been happy with, and still v much aren’t. But there’s something about a few tattoos (soon to be an awful lot), dying hair and working out that make you a little more comfortable. 

My only aim is to get through the summer (mainly to see my results as i’m curious as to how many Es and Us i’ve managed to get). Other than that, maybe i’ll make it through, maybe I won’t. Who really knows. 

[slipping-away-tonight]

March 16th; 18

I’m 18 in under a week. This is mad to me for many reasons. The first being, i’m going to be a freaking adult?! I do not feel ready for this at all. I can’t even look after myself yet! I don’t like the idea of having to be responsible and no longer be able to use the excuse ‘but I'm just a child, how would i know’.

18 for me is however a huge milestone. From the age of 12 I honestly never thought I would make it to this age. I was struggling to no end and I just wanted everything to be gone. I didn’t want to make it to the next age, let alone to being an adult. I’m shocked I made it to say the least. Even to this day, when it’s only 6 days away, I do not know how I managed to make it. Not many people will know why this means a lot to me and it’s something I hope to never have to explain to anyone.

My teenage years were a mess, to say the least. To this day I don’t even know what got me through. I sure as hell know I couldn’t have done this without my rock, my cats and my love for music. Looking back now, I realise how bad things really were. I remember thinking “this is all so pathetic, i can’t even do any of this right”. Maybe I didn’t do it ‘right’ to the degree I wanted then, but I was sure as hell doing something right to still be here today.

I can’t even put into words how I feel about reaching this. I’m glad but a part of me is still thinking I shouldn’t have made it. I know I still have the same mindset as i did when I was younger simply due to my mental health being bad again and that scares me. I’m stronger now though, I mean I have to be? I made it through some of the worst years of my life. It must have been bad for my best friend to comment today how they used to be constantly scared for me. They used to have to go there days not knowing if I was going to be around or not. That pains me to know. My intentions were never bad, I know that for a fact. I just wanted everything to be over with and I never thought people would have cared. I still sometimes think that; which is something that makes me think I’m not ready to be 18 just yet.

I can finally say I made it. I know 18 is still young, but for a lonely, isolated 12 year old who wanted nothing more than to be 6 foot under, it seemed unreachable. I did it. Somehow within this mess of a life, I’ve done something right to be able to push on.

[slipping-away-tonight]

March 15th

I don’t write often, maybe because I can’t find the words to say, or maybe because I don’t want to say anything at all. Instead of properly getting things out, I splurge random thoughts out to the most important people in my life and I just don’t make much sense. It’s a mess; everything right now is a bit of a mess.

God, where to start?! School. Maybe that’s where. Year 13, possibly the hardest year I’ve had, academically. I started it thinking it was going well, I mean what could go wrong after Year 12?! Boy I was wrong, it’s worse than I could have ever imagined. From my grades even to my attendance. Granted, Media is going well; exam wise at least. I’ve never really struggled with that though, maybe it’s just because I am rather creative, despite my lack of talent to draw. Photography though; now that’s where I’ve fucked up. Coursework went so well, I enjoyed shooting it, editing and even writing about it. I thought it was all going so well, which it should be considering that’s my chosen course at uni! But oh my, I have well and truly fucked up this exam work. To the extent my own teacher has said my work is “horrendous”. Maybe that’s what ruined my creative flow. Everyones negative comments. I have the ideas to shoot something, I just have the constant thought of “what’s the point when it’s going to be as shit as the last shoot?”. Anyway, maybe some time off and getting back behind the camera will give me the kick I need to continue with this project. My two creative subjects are slightly going downhill, but I have truly fucked up Sociology. I was doomed from the start with Sociology. From the day my head of year pulled me out and told me i “wasn’t good enough for this course”. Maybe I should have listened. I’m now here struggling, getting Us in mock exams and just giving up completely. What’s the point in carrying on a subject that I’m just going to fail? There’s just so much content to remember. It’s not learning, it’s all knowledge. That’s where I struggle. Everything is so objective. It’s all their views on things and there’s not really a way to interpret anything of my own. Maybe that’s the issue. With Photography and Media it’s so subjective. I can look at a film and see something different to everyone else. I can take a starting point and create a project in the complete different direction to someone else. I love that. I love being able to have my own viewpoint. Perhaps that comes from being such an independent person? 

School definitely doesn’t help my health, that’s for sure. I’ve struggled for as long as I can remember with depression and anxiety. I thought I was getting better. Self harm wise, I was doing so well. I relapsed about a month ago and I’ve still not recovered from such a massive downfall. I have support; possibly the most loving and understandable person when it comes to my mental health. The only issue being, he’s 100 miles away. We’re dating, Facebook official and everything. That’s what I’ve been told has made it ‘real’. But it’s been real to us for nearly 2 months. Anyway, my health is deteriorating along with my grades. I’ve not noticed, in fact I’ve noticed quite the opposite, but people keep commenting on my weight. I had my tutor tell me i’ve lost “an awful lot of weight” and that I’m starting to “look unhealthy and small”. I took it as a compliment though. Perhaps that’s the wrong thing to do. I’ve always felt like a bigger girl. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever truly know. Comments like that make me wonder if I truly am getting bad again. If so, I’m not sure how I’ll cope. Anxiety wise, well it’s got horrendous to say the least. I’m doing things about it though, I mean I tell Marcus if i’m really bad and he stays up with me. He reassures me, which is strange for me. I’m so used to just battling with it myself. Maybe being able to let someone know I’m struggling is a good sign? I do know I’m showing that I’m not well. It gets picked up on that I’m quiet and not speaking much. I have no explanation other than “sorry, it just happens”. Is that right? Does it just happen? The fact I’m not sure if I’m getting truly bad again or if everything just a bit hectic scares me. I could completely crash any minute and god knows how badly i’d crash. 

I move out this year; well provided I get the grades I need. I’ve wanted to move out for as long as I can remember and it’s finally here. I am beyond excited. I get to escape from the things that make me feel trapped. Is it normal to feel trapped in your own home? Anyway, everyone tells me I’ll miss it, but I really don’t think I will. I mean, leaving my cats is going to be torture. They’re a huge part of the reason i’m still here. They make me proud and I love them with everything I have, so being away is going to be hard. I also leave my best friend of 7 years. She’s my rock and I’m not sure how i’ll cope. I mean, I know she’ll only be 2 hours away, but still. That’s a huge difference. In terms of leaving my boyfriend, not a lot will change. We’re already long distance, it just means an extra 2 hour train ride. I know we’ll do it. Besides, next year he’ll be at the same uni. I know he’ll do it. His talent is incredible; if I managed it he is going to excel. Well I mean that’s something I have to look forward to? A fresh start, what i’ve always dreamed of. 

It’s a week till i’m 18! The excitement for this is unreal. I am however scared. Scared of the fact I know I can now go out and drink. I mean i’ve always drank on occasions since I was about 10. It’s never been a big deal, and that’s the way my mum intended our upbringing to be. If it’s not a big deal, we probably won’t abuse it. Well, the last year, I’ve probably abused it. I can sure as hell handle my drink now, but maybe that’s from being drunk every weekend? Is that just normal being a teenager, or is that worrying? I feel i’ve become dependant on alcohol; not to the extent I can’t live without it, but to the extent I know it’s there for when things get hard. I guess maybe it’s just a nice back up? Isn’t that what we all need; something to fall back on? Anyway, it’s been noticed, not in a bad light; just in a “oh Ellie’s drunk again” way. I know people are worried about me being 18, they’re all under the impression that I’m going to be seriously injured from drink. Well I guess we’ll soon find out...

Everything’s a mess, like I’ve said. However, there is 1 main thing that is going so well. My relationship. It’s an odd one, that’s for sure. Matching on Tinder drunk and well the rest is history. We clicked so well. From that first day we started talking, I just dropped any intentions of finding someone. It was something special; we just worked well together. I guess sometimes you just know when it’s right. I was scared to say the least; he’s absolutely gorgeous, funny, musically talented, artistic, creative. Basically everything I’ve always loved in a guy. Why the hell would he go for me?! I still wonder that now; months on when we’re in an official relationship. We work well together and I think that’s why it’s all going well. Neither want to argue, we just support each other and have a nice time. Besides, we’re both still young, relationships should be about fun and having a laugh together. There is of course a downside; nothing this incredible would come easy. He is 100 miles away. It doesn’t make our relationship any less real though. We’re both committed and Skype sure as hell is a good invention. We’ve been left realising how terrifying it is to know when one person is struggling and you can’t be there to do anything. I struggle with anxiety and part of my anxiety is over the wellbeing of those I love, so not being able to be there for him is extremely difficult, but it is so worth all the pain. There have been endless tears over the distance from the both of us and that just shows how much this means to us. I can honestly say I’ve let my guard down for this wonderful guy and I couldn’t be happier to have him. He may be over seas right now, but knowing his plans to be over in England for university in just over a year excites me to no end, especially considering his top uni is also the one I have firmed. I can honestly say that for the first time in a while, I can see this lasting. If nothing else works out apart from this, I will be over the moon. 

I guess the point of this was to just get everything out there. I want to start this to just talk about my day and how I’m feeling. Not everyday, just when I’m in the mood to write. This is a start; a big summary of the main things right now. So I guess i’ll leave it there on a nice high note.