smashedapplesfactory

[smashedapplesfactory]

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Date: September 7, 2023

Day: Thursday Time: 2:30 PM

September has arrived, and it brings with it a sense of renewal and transformation. As I reflect on my journey, I can't help but acknowledge how far I've come from the previous years. Life has presented its challenges, but I've managed to find strength within.

For a couple of years now, I've carried the burden of a diagnosed umbilical hernia. Surgeons have advised that they'll operate once I've shed a significant amount of weight. However, it's been a challenging journey since most weight loss exercises tend to focus on the belly region. On the brighter side, I've been on Ozempic for two years as part of my diabetes management, and it's helped me shed 20 kilograms during that time. Still, I find myself heavier than my desired weight, currently at 170 kilograms, down from 190 kilograms.

The period of grieving for my mom and granddad deeply affected my mental and subsequently, my physical health. However, since my arrival in Sydney in March 2022, I've been actively involved in various activities. I've enjoyed dog walking, selling pizzas at farmers' markets, and even worked with a renowned hospitality company called Merivale, which dominates numerous venues across New South Wales and has recently added Lorne, Victoria, to its list.

One of my most memorable experiences with Merivale was at the SCG/Allianz stadium, where I had the privilege of working at two Elton John concerts with the best views imaginable. My sole responsibility was to sell bottles of water, and during those magical two nights, I felt my mom's presence with me.

However, I decided to take a break from traditional jobs to focus on my well-being. Living through lockdown and the creepy pandemic cityscape of city life in Melbourne took a toll on my mental health. I vividly recall seeing the coroner's van and, sadly, witnessing 12 instances of individuals having end their lives by jumping out of windows or balconies from isolation in studio apartments around Elizabeth Street, where I resided. This was a dark period for me, and it led me to seek assistance in the form of antidepressants, something I never imagined I'd need.

These medications provided the help I needed, but they also led to a year and a half of numbing existence. It wasn't until recently, as I settled in Sydney, that I decided, in consultation with my doctor and pharmacy guidance, to gradually reduce my antidepressant dosage from 20mg to 10mg.

The initial week was tumultuous within my mind, but this second week has been a lot more manageable. This reduction in medication has offered me a renewed perspective on life. I've felt a return to the youthful vigor I had before my mom's battle with cancer. It's been refreshing yet strange, and it has made me realize that the entire time I was on antidepressants, I existed in a state of numbness, devoid of critical thinking.

This newfound clarity has also deepened my compassion for what my mom endured, undergoing various medication changes, which she often shielded from me. I look forward to the day when I can spend quality time with my beautiful nephew Phoenix, sister, Cassie, and brother from another mother, Gene. It will be delightful a time. The weather here in Sydney is splendid, and I've cultivated my own apartment garden in a window planter outside my window, inspired by my mothers former neighbour and their family’s passion for gardening.

Reflecting on my mom's medication journey, I realize I could have been more compassionate back then, but I was just a kid yearning to be carefree. The responsibilities of adulthood loomed over me at times, and I was reluctant to embrace them. This shared experience with Cassie has brought us closer, and we both concur that being off medication is a preferable state for us. I fondly recall a period when my mom was off her medication, before she went full Palliative and it allowed her to regain her old self before her mental health declined.

It was a bittersweet experience, but it opened my eyes to what she must have endured but never fully communicated.

As my mom's birthday approaches on September 9th, I find myself house-sitting for a delightful pug named Snuggle Bug in the Sydney district of the Shire/Barden Ridge. It promises to be a peaceful and reflective time, a fitting tribute to my mom.

With each passing day, I'm embracing the journey of self-discovery and healing, and I'm grateful for the people and experiences that have shaped my path.

In solitude and peace

Tobi J x

#JourneyOfHealing

#Reflections

#RenewedPerspective

#MentalHealthMatters

#AntidepressantJourney

#SydneyLife

#GardeningInspiration

#FamilyConnections

#MemoriesOfMom

#SelfDiscovery

#HouseSittingAdventures

#SeptemberThoughts

#Life'sSilverLining

#CherishedMoments

#GratitudeJourney

[smashedapplesfactory]

Blessed greetings to spiritual brethren and Mx 💜 a recent reflection on my life cycles, the last ten at least I have experienced loss of my soul parent, mother, and her father, my grandfather. Grief has been a weird and unkind journey I wish could have happened later on, and with less of an impact. But in.all of this process I felt discnnwcyed, on auto pilot, spirituality had left the building which made my heart organ hurt, it felt like the magic had left the emotional heart.

As I came to want to move on from the heavy grief, effects and isolated was, I literally stepped my foot out in to society, found myself with a new partner in life, living in a beautiful coastal town in Australia, very natural, very grounding, picturesque, the magic was all there.

Times moves my story forward, to my partner disconnecting and flying opposite to what we had planned, he began showing traits of alcoholism, narssasism, believe me when I say I literally fell for him, there were so many great things (still very much are) to this original type of human and soul. But no matter how much I tried to contribute, whether it was at the house front, literally - professional expectations of tidiness - which they were 110% not tidy. I felt I delivered in a number of aspects to our shared time, and by the 'ship's end, I had received a plate thrown at my leg, a vinyl thrown at my head, and been punched/attacked from behind unknowing, unexoecting. From me, unprovoked.

That ship was done, I was gone. And again, as leaving one thing entered into life of isolation due to the 2019 CoVid pandy. Leaving a domestic abusive ship, during covid was very emotionally hard and energy taxing. I got through it.

I ended up in Sydney, Australia for three months, before heading back to Melbourne, the ideally spend Christmas with my family, I ended up in Melbourne for a good year. Of .. nothing.

I lived off one of the cities main streets, Elizabeth Street, near the Colin's street intersection. I guess during that time it was about looking inward and trying to REALLY appreciate things that had constantly been overlooked prior to the pandy, due to being busy, distracted, unaware. Though to bring it up again, I was doing isolation way before covid, grief isolation.

By the time I was at the peak of covid in 2021, I was officially having iso cabin fever. Sure, I made sure to get outside as much as possible, go for rides, have time out of my bedsit sized apartment.

With protests, then, taking place right on my street, outside of my front door, I began seeing things I wasn't expecting to see in my life, walls of police officers blocking access to protestors, protestors roudy and angry (about a series of covid economy related topics). I once got fined for not wearing a face mask, OUTside.

I had this crazy sense that the government I had hoped was citizen focused was taking me and the people I loved for a ride.

Prior to my mother's diagnosis, I was so enthralled in Community, the practice of, the physical places, activities, personalities, creatives. A celebration.

I spent a decent eight years starting in my twenties going to.placea of community, being a part of or creating space to facilitate.

Let's fast forward back to lines being drawn, vaccinations being had, objected and challengd and the post feedback that brought. Throughout my time on Elizabeth Street, over the course of the one year, as I rode from my apartment block to the Bayside, as I was leaving the city space, I'd say I saw the coroner's car, about 20 times. (I saw twenty bodies), dead, in laneways, from people jumping out of their apartments due to the mental health breakdown and zero support available due to "the times".

A result from what I saw, gave me drive to step up for mental health, to lend an ear to any person who needed social contact, via call, DM's or catch up but with "distance" - covid. Right?

Why am I writing all of this ?

Because all of this has been my journey, and from each tragedy, life has sprouted lessons, pain, trauma, self healing, a constant mind turning education of reality and perception.

I'm at a stage now where the world seems OK to dip my feet out from the shadows and try to bring together some lessons for self and others who are inspired.

I feel I am confident with the lesson of Routine. Finding what drives, finding what doesn't work, putting together a constant routine on how to live day to day.

I seem to have entered the universe of confidence, something which I lacked during my teens, kind of picked up in my twenties and was kicked out of my right as I entered my 30's.

I'm 38 this year, so really hoping to get mastered under confidence and other points for my foutries.

Life has been a mind bending experience and I hope as each day arrives I can contribute shared from my journey, spiritual and in real life.

Thank you for seeing a universe from my mind's eye, join in and see where this goes. I sure hope great things to follow....

TJx

[smashedapplesfactory]

Hey, is this thing on?

[smashedapplesfactory]

Who else enjoys getting into evening tracksuit pants and a sweater on a cold winter eve? #australia #gayaustralia #gay #instagay #gaywinter #winternights #gaystyle #gayworld #instalove #gaylove #gaysingle #gentswithstyle #gaygent #awakening #lookinggorgeous #gayswithstyle #morningswithbrenton #fridaynights #gayselfie #gayfollow #gayman #dappa

[smashedapplesfactory]

Feeling like an a million dollar man ✔️ Looking like a million dollar man ✔️ Ready to walk down the pathway that leads to my future ✔️ #australia #gayaustralia #gay #instagay #hairandmakeup #gaystyle #gayworld #instalove #gaylove #gaysingle #gentswithstyle #gaygent #awakening #lookinggorgeous #gayswithstyle #morningswithbrenton #mornings #gayselfie #gayfollow #gayman @jvn @tanfrance #dappa

[smashedapplesfactory]

Getting my hair and make up's done for today's daily happenings! Send me good vibes peeps 🎩 #australia #gay #instagay #hairandmakeup #gaystyle #gayworld #instalove #gaylove #gaysingle #gentswithstyle #gaygent #awakening #lookinggorgeous #gayswithstyle #morningswithbrenton #mornings #gayselfie #gayfollow #gayman

[smashedapplesfactory]

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A post shared by Tobi Jacobs (@itstobij)

Ha Ha Ha . . . Ha Vincents teen approach to playing with cute fluffy balls, is to just go straight to the source (the string) and set the fluffy balls free. This Kitty has Grown! #vincent #vincentthecat #catsofinstagram @cats_of_instagram @pussweek #gingerspice #gingercat #gingersforjustice #fluffyballs #grownupcats #thiskittenhasflown (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[smashedapplesfactory]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Tobi Jacobs (@itstobij)

Today my neighbour was asking a pretty heavy question, so I responded with what I can relate to the most... bahaha #schnappi #whoareyou #neighbours #stkildalife #gayguy #gaysofinstagram #beard #chi (at St Kilda, Victoria)

[smashedapplesfactory]

The Longest night of the year, for the Southern Hemisphere is Almost here! June 21, mark it down in your filo-faxes peeps! Wishing you and your crew a fantastic season: Winter! ❄️ Winter is not only a great time for snuggling in, earlier than the rest of the year, with the much earlier sunsets. Winter is also a great time, (especially come late June to mid July) when MANY businesses will shine with festive winter decorations and Christmas/Yule like activities/events to bring seasonal atmosphere and old traditions together. This Winter Solstice my family and I have arranged a series of activities from attending a bon fire event which will serve mulled wine and yummy winter treats, but a Yule time dinner up in the mountains looking out to a big Forrest, a trip to Victoria's golden country for a an evening light show, with Christmas in July dinner. I'm particularly hoping to try my luck at Ice Skating at a winter wonderland pop up coming to my local community soon 🙂 What are you looking forward to the most in Winter? #winter #winter2018 #wintersolstice #wintersolatice2018 #christmasinjuly #yuleinjuly #australianwinter #winterwonderland #winteractivities #winterfun (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[smashedapplesfactory]

#Repost @smashed.apples with @get_repost ・・・ There's never a reason to not browse and stock up on your cushion and pillow supply! Check out the full @smashed.apples cushion range by clicking the link in our bio 🙂 #smashedapples #cushions #pillows #forsale #onlineshopping #interiordesign #whichisyourfavorite #vortex #unicorn #sunflower #arrows #onlinestore #germany #unitedkingdom #canada #sweeden #britishdesign #homeandliving (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[smashedapplesfactory]

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A post shared by Tobi Jacobs (@itstobij)

I think Vincent is beginning to catch on with the whole sleep in thing, finally for the first time in MONTHS he is able to lay and stretch out peacefully next to me. #vincent #vincentthecat #gingerspice #gingercat #cats #catsofinstagram #Sundays #musicandchill #lazyday #relaxedcat (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[smashedapplesfactory]

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A post shared by Tobi Jacobs (@itstobij)

When was your last Irish coffee? I thought, being a Sunday, and on waking up, 5 degrees, a little kick would make this winter warm me up, just right. And it did 😏☕️❄️☃️ #Irishcoffee #mocha #morningcuppa #morningcupofjoe #winterwarmer #baileysirishcream #winterinspiration #winter2018 (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[smashedapplesfactory]

Here's a @smashed.apples throwback, Pictured at the old Melbourne GPO on Bourke Street, I was drawn to capture this photo, because the view we see offers an absence of people, a moment of peace, with use of the atmospheric lighting which bring volume to the historic archways. Now days, if you were to see the same location, you would be seeing cafe and kiosk fixtures, with a super business clothing store now operating from the heart of the building, finding moments of solitude are more a thing of the past. #smashedapples #smashedapplesphotography #smashedapplesoutside #proplumoutside #melbourne #melbournegpo #throwback #stillness #architecture #lighting #melbournearchitecture (at Melbourne's GPO)

[smashedapplesfactory]

Here's a @smashed.apples throwback, Pictured at the old Melbourne GPO on Bourke Street, I was drawn to capture this photo, because the view we see offers an absence of people, a moment of peace, with use of the atmospheric lighting which bring volume to the historic archways. Now days, if you were to see the same location, you would be seeing cafe and kiosk fixtures, with a super business clothing store now operating from the heart of the building, finding moments of solitude are more a thing of the past. #smashedapples #smashedapplesphotography #smashedapplesoutside #proplumoutside #melbourne #melbournegpo #throwback #stillness #architecture #lighting #melbournearchitecture (at Melbourne's GPO)

[smashedapplesfactory]

I can still remember my last birthday, I celebrated with my mum. I feel good, that years before mums diagnosis, I recognised my birthday was not just about me, bit about mum and the journey she endured to safely deliver me. Each year, I would pass on thanks and treat her out in a way of appreciation. On my last birthday, I treated mum to a seafood buffet lunch, and for dinner other family arranged an Italian birthday extravaganza followed by cake and candles as pictured here. I feel when I look at this photo, though candid, it captured a good moment where mum had a good amount of energy and by this time of day, my energy would have in some parallel way matched hers, making this is a good photo. #motherhood #mumswithcancer #memories #fbf #tbt #2014 #birthdayboy #gaysofinstagram #motherandson #family #reflection #writingitout #photography

[smashedapplesfactory]

Hey there friends, in the southern hemisphere the season of autumn, the pumpkin harvest has arrived. It's a great time of year to see your transform into a different type of wonderland. Here's a FUN photo task! Pop on your coat and scarf, a beret of you feel inclined too and head outside and capture what you love most about autumn. Be sure to include the hashtag #SAautumnLove Check into see how others are doing, and got those like buttons where you see fit. #smashedapples #smashedapplesbyprofessorplum #autumn #autumn2018 #phototask #photography #autumnphotography #autumnleaves #autumntrees (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)

[smashedapplesfactory]

Hey there friends, in the southern hemisphere the season of autumn, the pumpkin harvest has arrived. It's a great time of year to see your transform into a different type of wonderland. Here's a FUN photo task! Pop on your coat and scarf, a beret of you feel inclined too and head outside and capture what you love most about autumn. Be sure to include the hashtag #SAautumnLove Check into see how others are doing, and got those like buttons where you see fit. #smashedapples #smashedapplesbyprofessorplum #autumn #autumn2018 #phototask #photography #autumnphotography #autumnleaves #autumntrees (at Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)