smolselfshippingaxcycat - Tumblr blog

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

you may have been targeted by the boop cannon :3

ehehe thank yew so meowch fur the boops!!

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

What a year this week has been.

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

i wrote a thing with my purroject moon s/i

tw fur depictions of depurression, mental illness, suicidal ideation, slightly body horror-y near the end, also ment of bugs (namely just caterpillars and butterflies but ye)

"did you know that when a caterpillar undergoes metamorphosis, its body liquifies, leaving behind only the vital life-supporting cells...? its body releases enzymes that digest all of its tissues, turning it into what basically amounts to soup. and from there, it restructures its own body from that soup..."

…Rudy lay in their room, curled up on their side in bed, surrounded by several pastel-colored plushies.

They held a soft pink rabbit close to their chest- It rested its head on a blue pillow, eyes closed in an eternal sleep. It always looked so peaceful, yet so sad…

if only it were that easy to dream sweet dreams forever…

they stroked the rabbit's head, mumbling quiet reassurances to it that they knew it couldn't hear; "ᶦᵗ'ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵒᵏᵃʸ, ᶦ ᵖʳᵒᵐᶦˢᵉ… ᶦ'ˡˡ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ᵇᵉ ʰᵉʳᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ʸᵒᵘ, ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ… ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ʷᶦˡˡ ᵇᵉ⁻"

The assistant librarian let out a shaky breath as their voice broke, tears welling up in their eyes. Oh Wings, they probably looked so stupid right now… Talking to a stuffed rabbit, gently telling it the things that they themself wanted to hear from someone else. Anyone would do, really…

Despite spending each day with their fellow librarians, they felt so… lonely, so isolated.

Being exhausted all the time, being nothing more than an observer in your own life did that to you, they supposed…

Wake up from only a few hours of sleep, waste time doing low-effort activities that weren't fun or rewarding anymore (between scattered naps and on autopilot), get up once the sun was down, take sleeping meds at approximately 1am, and waste time alone until they kicked in.

Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. It was all so pointless…

They pulled their blanket up to their shoulders, still holding their rabbit close to their chest, still tenderly but uselessly petting its head. The gesture and texture of the plushie was… soothing…

…The assistant librarian couldn't help but wonder if anyone would miss them or even notice if they died. Assuming they could die permanently now that the Library no longer had to hold Receptions and all…

Was it selfish to hope that anyone would? Netzach, Veil, Conductor, Hod, Mickey… But even as their names popped into their head, their fucked up head came up with reasons why they wouldn't almost immediately. Netzach had other Assistant Librarians to help out, and they were probably just as replaceable to him as they were to the manager back at L Corp. Their cheerful, inclusive attitude and brief check-ins probably didn't mean a thing. Veil had Conductor, and Conductor had Veil- It was so fucking stupid how they tried to force their way into creating a friend group when those two probably only needed each other. Hod had many girlfriends, and probably lots of regular… platonic friends as well. Losing one friend wouldn't mean a thing, right…? And Mickey… Probably never cared about them at all to begin with.

They realized that all those jokes they made about offing themself in some way or another were starting to have a hint of truth to them. …Or maybe they were always truth, passed off as a joke through a bittersweet smile to prevent anyone from worrying, prevent themself from being a burden.

How long had they done this? Been miserable, but tried to make themself seem as small as possible to avoid bothering anyone else… They didn't know the exact amount of time, but it was definitely as far back as they could remember. Did the people who told them they looked sad or anxious all the time sense it? That deep melancholic sickness that had seeped its way into their body, infecting their mind, and entwining with their soul so intricately that getting better became synonymous with losing a part of themself…

None of it would get better if they didn't open up, of course they knew that- But it was all so terrifying, the idea of opening up at all. What if they made someone uncomfortable? What if they shared too much, or brought similar feelings up in others? That was absolutely the last thing they wanted…!

Rudy

closed their eyes

tears rolling down their cheek

as they sniffled pathetically.

...Stop thinking...

They nestled up closer to their bunny, and deeper amongst their blanket.

The outside of their body felt warm, but the inside was so… cold. How are you supposed to warm up your insides…? Maybe a warm drink, or a hug? some soup- Not that they had the energy to go get any, anyways…

Maybe they themself were the soup, gone all cold and bad from being left out too long in the hellscape of the City… Rotting…

As more tears wet the pillow beneath their head, it felt as if their whole body was slowly liquifying… They could see it with their closed eyes- They'd hold a hand up to their line of sight, and watch it drip, drip, dripping away with the tears. It wouldn't be scary or painful, it'd just look like… sweating? Or maybe the water dripping off your wet hands after you wash them…? ʷʰᵃᵗᵉᵛᵉʳ…

Cocooned in blankets as a false chrysalis- They suddenly remembered what they recently learned mindlessly skimming through one of the entomology books on the Floor of Natural Sciences- That caterpillars undergoing metamorphosis slowly digested themselves in their chrysalis, leaving behind only the most vital cells to stay alive, and reconstructing their entire bodies to become butterflies from there on out.

…Maybe the day wouldcome someday where the assistant librarian would emerge from their own chrysalis, reformed into… whatever the human equivalent of a butterfly would be. Someone who… manifested their own E.G.O…?

That was a comforting (and hopeful) thought, but…

It felt so artificial and fake. So out of reach.

…So for tonight, just drifting off to sleep once again with the catharsis of caring for their bunny plushie,

and treating it with that heart-wretching gentleness they rarely ever got

was just enough…

Goodnight, Rudy.

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

Greetings lovely human being! My name's Rudolph and Santa sent me to wish you an early Merry Christmas! Have a great holiday, make sure to spread some joy and have an amazing time with your loved ones.

Here, have some christmas cookies!

oh!! thank yew so meowch!! i'll be sure to share these cookies with my furriends- purrease send santa and the other reindeer and elves my thanks too, i imagine efurryone must be working hard!! :3 here's a little something in return... i hope it's ok!

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

i dont have anything clever to caption this with

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

im being so fucking for real and i need you guys to boost and reblog this you nonblack selfshippers have got to stop using "simp." you have to. its african american vernacular english (aave) which in colloquial terms means its not for you to use. in a space already hostile towards shippers of color, youre just making it more inhospitable to black selfshippers by appropriating our language. say youre crushing. say youre obsessed. say youre head over heels, say youre a sucker, say youre infatuated, just stop saying simp. for the love of god

{nonblack shippers [even other shippers of color] i do NOT want to hear your opinion on this post or hear about how you "didnt know" or are "changing it right now." just be an ally and LISTEN instead of needing to add your piece.}

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

"ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᵐʸ ʷᵃʸ ᵒᶠ ˢᵃʸᶦⁿᵍ ᵍᵒᵒᵈᵇʸᵉ, 'ᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᶦ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ᵈᵒ ᶦᵗ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ ᶦᵐ ᵗᵃˡᵏᶦⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ⁻

no matter what happens now, you shouldnt be afraid because i know, today has been the most perfect day, i've ever seen…"

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

that sounds so purretty..... i wish i could be as eloquent with my words :3

SHE!! my brothers gf :3

awww this paints such a warm imeowge in my head.....

hOW DOES EFURRY PATRON LIBRARIAN MAKE WORDS SOUND PURRETTYYY im. hngrgh, /pos

OH THIS IS SUCH A COOL DESIGN??? HHELOO i fucking lov birb-y designs

SOBBING??? NETZAch I L OV YEW OS FUCkign MEOWHC I WANT TO DOODLE STUFF WITH YEW

HE DOES THE SAME THING I DO WHERE LETTERS UNINTENTIONALLY LINK TOGEHTERER (i know its purrobly the font but shhhh its his handwriting in my brain nyaow)

kabloosh!!!!!!!!!

hoh this is so purrettyyyy,,

sobbing...................

sobbing x2.............

AWWWW <3333 she growin up :3 also "roland the meowgical midlife man" let him be a meowgical boy!!!!!!!! meowgical boy roland :D maybe he fights crime with eva or something ehehehe i love meowgical girls and boys and enbies

SO PURRETTYYY this is my aesthetic....... stars and tears............ i wonder if child of the galaxy and knight of despair would get along :0c

hoh my dog gebby writes loopy Ls!!!!!!!! thats so neat ehehehe

awwww <3

wowee...... this kinda reminds mew of csm-

eheheheh ~~~~~~~~~~~~ tildes!!~~~

honestly i would try coffee fur chesed too!! also imeowgining chesed without his coffee mug is weeeird /lh

same

aww.......

ARBITER MOM /pos

hehe :3c

sadge. im curious abt the head

i think they did a good job!! :3

AW..... MY HEART.. /pos

ok im rly tired i need to stop livetweeting this sorry eheheh

hoh my dog someone i know just sent a link to the LoR artbook on google drive???

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

AWWW MALKUTH MADE LITTLE NOTES THATS SO CUTE???

hoh my dog malkuth dyeing her hair..... rainbow dash malkuth........

holy shit angela looks so cool here look at that. spear. sword thing.

YESOD LEFT A NOTE TOO OH THATS SO CUTEEEEEE

hoh my dog someone i know just sent a link to the LoR artbook on google drive???

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

hoh my dog someone i know just sent a link to the LoR artbook on google drive???

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

If you are unable to afford donating, this link allows you to click a button every 24 hours in order help donate to Palestine.

American mutuals, I seriously urge you to tell Congress and Biden to stand with Palestine, and do not stop sending this message. You can also donate here.

This is not a war; what Israel is doing to Palestine is genocide. Do not sit idly by and do not stay quiet. Now more than ever is the most important time to not look away.

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

didnt wanna just do nothing so drew this rq umm please. reach out to yewr governemtn and donate (theres a site where yew can click every 24 hours for suppurrt if yewre unable to give any money) and spread awarenesss n stuf

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

currently crying really hard ofur a video essay i saw abt netzach

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

Base EGO Masterpost of all the Echo cast, plus a few corrections