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snogardsactuallywrites · 6 months ago

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i turned around, there was nothing there

Katara centric angst fic. Zutara crumbs if you squint but like, not really, it focuses more on their friendship if anything else.

The ending is open/ambiguous, but implies that there could be a happy ending. Also, Hakoda isn't the best in this. And I completely forgot about her Gran-Gran, so she's not in this, but if she was, she would 100% stand by Katara.

word count: 5.1k

if you'd like to read it on AO3 instead

TW: Major Depression, Disassociation, Suicide Attempt, Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown

inspired by The Sun, The Moon, and The Truth by senlinyu on AO3

.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.

Katara stood in the barren land of snow and ice, staring off at the icy sea in the distance, watching the waves roughly crash against glaciers and the abandoned wreckage of the Fire Nation raid ship from sixty years prior. The argument between her father and the elders of the tribe rings through her head. How she had to be “dealt with” for interfering with rebuilding efforts in the name of bending tradition.

Her father was her only defender, though only barely. But even he can’t overrule the elders decisions, even more so when the decision is unanimous.

And back on Kyoshi Island was Sokka. Who was not there to defend her.

“You cannot keep doing this, Katara.” Her father said, his thumb and pointer finger rubbing the inner corners of his closed, blue eyes. “We can’t prioritize Southern waterbending traditions, when there are none to speak of.”

No Southern waterbenders to speak of.

But she was a Southern waterbender.

The last one.

And she was not a priority to her tribe.

The last of her culture.

“How could you say that?” She whispered. “You’re just going to let them make everything that makes the Southern Water tribe, The Southern Water Tribe? Just let them turn everything Northern!?”

Her father stood from his desk, his palms lying flat on the wooden table. “And what would you have me do, Katara! We have to keep up with the times! We can’t afford to fall behind the rest of the world! All they are asking is that you stay out of the way so that they can help the rebuilding efforts! Is that too much for them to ask of you!? ”

“Yes!” She had yelled. “I am not going to let them take away the last vestiges of my culture, Dad! I refuse!”

“Then you can go! Leave, Katara!”

She stumbled back. “What.”

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!” He yelled, pointing towards the door of the ice building. Another thing the Northerners had brought with them when they came south. Their icy palaces.

She gritted her teeth and her hands clenched into fists, “Fine! I guess I’ll take the last remnants of the Southern Waterbenders with me then!”

She turned and didn’t look back as she left that palace made of ice.

Eventually, she had made her way to the Fire Nation war ship that the last generation of Southern Waterbenders had shipwrecked when they had been invaded sixty years ago.

Katara stood there for a long time. Gazing at the last evidence of her bending kin. The last evidence that waterbenders even existed in the Southern Water Tribe. Or rather, that Southern waterbenders were a separate culture in the first place.

Tears sprung in Katara’s eyes as she got into a bending stance, raising her forearms.

Cracks appeared in the ice the ship was trapped in.

A tear dripped down her cheek, the icy chill in the air kissing her face.

As the tear dripped down her face, catching on her chin, she brought her arms down.

The ice shattered.

The ground shook from the force of the ship breaking free of sixty years worth of built-up ice. The sound of the ice cracking and breaking could have been heard from miles away.

Katara stood there as the ship sunk.

She did not leave until the red of the Fire Nation flag disappeared underneath the cold, frigid, icy waters and was no longer visible to her blurry eyes.

Katara did not rush her way back to her family’s hut, but she did not detour from her path. She packed only the essentials: some coin, two more pairs of clothes, a comb, a second water skin, and the waterbending scrolls that Zuko had retrieved for her that his predecessors had stolen.

She did not stop for anyone on her way to the docks. Boats would be departing soon and since the elders wanted her gone so bad, she might as well leave as soon as possible. Best to not "be in their way."

She wanted to make her way to the Fire Nation. Katara wanted to talk to the one person who could possibly understand how she was feeling. Zuko. She was practically ran out of her home. And while the situation was not as similar to Zuko’s banishment, he could, at the very least, understand how she was feeling. As he always seemed to do.

However, commercial vessels to the Fire Nation were few and far between, and as her eyes scanned the ships that were docked all she saw were a sea of green and blue flags, not a single red flag adorned with a flame in sight.

Katara sighed and headed to the first ship with a green flag, spotting the attendant relatively quickly. “Is this ship's destination Ba Sing Se?”

The attendant grunted in confirmation, “You need passage? We have one room left, not very nice, but it’ll do if you need it. Five silvers and it's yours.”

Katara nodded, digging out the requested amount and handing it over. “When does the ship depart? And how long do you think the journey will be?”

“We depart in an hour, journey’ll take about two weeks.”

Katara hummed in acknowledgement and made her way onto the ship.

Appa would have gotten her there in less than half the time.

.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.

The journey was fine. Nothing eventful happened. No pirates. No Fire Nation princes or princesses in hot pursuit. Overall uneventful.

Getting into Ba Sing Se was easier than it previously was. Papers were no longer required to enter the city after the war ended—and even if they were, Katara was widely recognized as a traveling companion of the Avatar, so she wouldn’t have any difficulty entering regardless.

Katara took her time walking through the Lower Ring, observing the area she never got to explore during her time here, and she did the same for the Middle Ring.

She had all the time in the world to make it to her destination, after all. She didn’t think of anything. Her mind was blank. She just felt…numb.

She forced a smile and greeted the Earth Kingdom guards at the border wall between the Middle and Upper Ring, easily recognized for her efforts during the war. No one stopped her from entering the Upper Ring, and let her easily pass through.

Just as she did while walking through the Lower and Middle Rings, she thought of nothing as she walked through the Upper Ring to make it to her destination. As Fire Nation as you could get in the Earth Kingdom. The Jasmine Dragon.

It didn’t take her very long before the tea shop came into view. Despite being regarded as the best tea shop in Ba Sing Se, there was no line out the doors of the building. Though the shop itself looked very busy inside.

Katara entered the building, stopping at the host stand, where the host quickly brought her to a table next to one of the windows.

A waiter appeared beside her minutes after she settled into her seat. “Hi, welcome to the Jasmine Dragon. My name is Sami, how can I help you today?” The girl asked, holding her tiny notebook to keep track of orders, a piece of charcoal ready in her fingers.

“Can I have a Jasmine tea, please? And could you let Iroh know that Katara is here? It’s no rush. I’ll be here all day, so he can take his time.” Katara asked.

Sami nodded, “I’ll go let him know. The tea should be right out.”

“Thank you.” Katara forced a smile.

Katara turned to look out the window, watching all the nobility and wealthy of the Earth Kingdom stroll through the streets with their parasols, with long green sleeves covering their hands, the women giggling with their friends, the men walking along the streets with not a care in the world.

How she wished she could live like that. Not a worry in the world. Not feeling as though she was lost in a world where everyone around her knew what their purpose was.

She was lost.

And she did not know where to go.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

The words reverberated through her head as she stared off into nothing. She never thought that her father would say something like that to her. Never in her life would she think he would.

But as always in her life, the unexpected always happens. She should’ve been used to it by now.

“Miss Katara!” A voice boomed.

Katara turned at the sound of Iroh’s voice. “Hi, Iroh.” She replied, a ghost of a smile spreading at the sight of the first familiar face she’s seen since she left the South Pole. She rose from her seat at the sight of the older man holding a pot of tea.

“Didn’t I tell you to call me Uncle, Katara?” Iroh chuckled as he set down the post of tea he was holding on the table Katara was sitting at, reaching out to give her a much welcomed hug. “Now what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from you?”

Katara released herself from Iroh’s hold, sitting back down in her seat. “I wish I could say I was just here for a normal visit, but that would be a lie. I need a favor.”

Iroh hummed and poured them both a cup. “I don’t see what I could possibly do for you, but I would never turn down a request from a friend of my nephew. What do you need, Katara.?”

“I actually need to see Zuko. I need some…advice from him. And I figured he would like to see a familiar, friendly face. Getting commercial passage to the Fire Nation is quite difficult, seeing as the war ended less than a year ago.” Katara said, accepting the cup of tea. “I figured asking the uncle of the current Fire Lord would be my best chance of getting there sooner rather than later. It also doesn’t hurt to get some of the best tea in all four nations.”

“Well, that’s an easy request. I’m more than happy to find you a way to the Fire Nation tomorrow. I can give you a place to sleep tonight as well, I have a spare bedroom you are more than welcome to use.” Iroh moved to get up from his seat. “Unfortunately, I have to get back to work. The tea is on the house. We can talk more later.”

“Thank you, Uncle.” Katara smiled. It was the closest to a genuine one as she could get these days.

Later that day, long after Iroh closed The Jasmine Dragon and showed Katara the spare bedroom to use. Unbeknownst to her, Iroh wrote a letter designated for the Fire Lord.

.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.

Much like the boat ride to Ba Sing Se, the journey to the Fire Nation capital was similar in the sense that it was immensely boring.

Katara, as she had done while traveling to Ba Sing Se, did nothing but stare off into the distance. She thought of everything and nothing at the same time.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

The words rang through her head the whole journey, as it had been doing since she left her home.

Katara wanted to cry, but she just—couldn’t bring herself to do it. The tears wouldn’t leave her eyes, they wouldn’t even form in the first place. She just…stared. Stared out of her cabin window across the vast sea, with only the rare appearance of slivers of land in the distance. Watching the landscape rise to form cliffsides, disappear into the ocean, and rise again to form the paradisal islands of the Fire Nation. Before long, the merchant ship that Iroh had gotten her passage on entered the bay and docked soon after.

Katara grabbed her meager belongings and exited the ship. They had docked later in the evening and the sun was beginning to set, brilliant oranges and pinks and purples casting a hue over the port, the last remnants of the sun disappearing behind the grand dormant volcano. Katara saw it as the last pieces of her old life disappearing before her eyes. And while the sun would return the next day, Katara’s old way of life would not.

As she descended the gangway, her eyes landed on a hooded figure leaning against a streetlamp who was staring right at her. If she was in her right mind, she would have found that suspicious. But she simply couldn’t bring herself to care if anything happened to her. Plenty of waterbenders were lost to the Fire Nation. What's one more?

Katara walked right past the hooded figure, with not a care in the world, simply just trying to make her way through the city and to the Caldera. She needed the comfort of her friend. While she has never thought of Zuko in a romantic light, she could recognize that the two of them were two sides of the same coin; twin flames, as ironic as that sounds. Zuko understood her in a way that none of their other friends could. They just, connected, had a mutual understanding with each other. And just like how Zuko understood her in the past with her mother, she knew that he would understand and support her in this.

Katara was jerked back as someone lightly grabbed her wrist. She turned around to see the hooded figure pulling their hood back so that their face could become more clear. A glimpse of the ever common amber eyes, pale skin, long, messy black hair, and a very, very, recognizable scar filled her vision.

“Zuko.” Katara breathed out. “How did you know I was coming?”

Zuko peaked at her through the shade of his hood. “My uncle. He sent me a letter saying that you would arrive to the Fire Nation today. Are you okay? He sounded really worried about you.”

A lump formed in Katara’s throat. Her formerly dry eyes bloomed with tears. “They kicked me out.” She croaked. The tears she was holding in fell from her eyes and down her cheeks. “They…they kicked me out, Zuko.” She wept, stumbling into his chest.

Zuko wrapped his arms around her and cradled her head into the crook of his neck. “Spirits, Katara. I’m so sorry.”

Katara sobbed in his arms. She was getting her tears and snot all over his cloak, and while she was guilty about ruining the cloak, Zuko clearly didn’t care as he held her tighter the more pained her cries became.

“Let's get back to the palace where it's safer.” Zuko murmured, petting the back of her head in an attempt, albeit a successful one, to comfort her. “We can go somewhere private, and you can tell me what happened. Okay?”

Katara nodded into his chest and let him lead her through the streets towards the Caldera. Neither of them said anything, but Zuko held onto her the entire way. Spirits, she felt like he was practically dragging her through the capital city, despite how his arm was gently wrapped across her back and laid delicately on her bicep. He wasn’t even forcefully pushing her, just gently guiding her through the rapidly darkening streets, but her feet felt like they were being dragged down into the earth; as if she had boulders tied to her ankles. And Zuko was the only thing keeping her stood up.

They didn’t rush through the city to the palace. Even if Zuko wasn’t treating her as if she was as fragile as glass, they likely still wouldn’t have arrived at the palace until well after dark. Even with her friend’s comfort, Katara still wasn’t fully mentally present. Even as they were stopped by the Kyoshi Warriors that were charged with protecting Zuko—who thoroughly scolded him for disappearing for an entire afternoon and not informing a single soul in the palace—Katara did not acknowledge a single thing. She stayed silent. She was emotionally exhausted.

All she wanted was to sleep, in all honesty.

Before she knew it, Zuko had led her through the palace halls and towards one of the palace gardens. The one that was his mother’s favorite, the one that was his favorite because it was her favorite. The one with the cherry tree with the stone bench beneath it, the large pond that was the home to the turtle ducks that had been living there for centuries, the one with the beautiful flowers that bloomed with blues and purples and whites and pinks; the one place in the palace that wasn’t smothered in dark red.

Zuko gently guided her to sit on the stone bench, sitting right next to her and moving to hold her limp hands in his. As he softly rubbed his thumb over her knuckles Zuko spoke, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

Katara sniffled, her nose and eyes were red and dried up from how she had bawled in Zuko’s arms earlier in the evening. “It started with the ice palaces. Then the elder women who were running the tribe while they were all gone were having their council seats replaced by Northern men. I wanted to uphold the Southern values. To keep the Southern Waterbending style alive.”

Katara glanced up at Zuko, “The elders of the tribe…they didn’t like how I was interfering in the way they were going about reconstructing the tribe. They said that I was holding up progress by holding on to the past. Most of the elders aren’t even from the South now. They’re majority Northerners. They told my father that if I wasn’t going to co-operate then I would have to leave.”

Tears formed and dripped down her face. “Any waterbending child born in the Southern Water Tribe will learn the Northern style. The Southern style is officially dead and gone. I’m the last.” Katara whispered, looking back down at their joined hands. “I figured that since the Fire Nation took all the other Southern benders, they might as well take the last one.”

Zuko’s face paled, and his good eye widened, “Katara…”

Katara quickly turned to face him. “Can I stay here?” She pleaded. “I don’t… I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Zuko’s grip on her hands tightened assuringly, “Of course you can stay. Why wouldn’t I let you?” He assured her. “You can stay for as long as you need or want to. Besides, I already had a room prepared for you. I wouldn’t want to see it go to waste.”

“Thank you, Zuko.” Katara said. “Can you do me a small favor though? Unless someone physically comes to the Fire Nation to look for me…can you not tell anyone I’m here?”

Zuko furrowed his brow. “Why—”

“Please.” She begged. “Just, please? If you say no I’m just going to leave and no one actually will be able to find me.”

Zuko pursed his lips and nodded. “But if Sokka shows up here I’m telling him immediately, understand?”

“I understand.” She murmured. “Thanks again, Zuko.”

.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.

And so time went on. Days turned to weeks. One would think she would be improving, but it seemed that as time went on, Katara only isolated herself more. She took all of her meals inside the room that was provided for her and didn’t leave it. After 10 days of this, Zuko insisted (forced, more like it) that she eat breakfast and dinner with him every day.

That was when she stopped wearing blue.

After the first few meals with Zuko, Katara found the first servant she saw on her way to the garden—what's the point of getting out of bed if you're just going to go right back in it anyway?—and asked her where she could acquire new clothes.

“I’d be more than happy to get some for you, Lady Katara.” The servant girl, Naho, said. “I understand you would want something blue? Any other preferences?”

“No blue, actually.” Katara murmured, her once bright blue eyes now dull. “I don’t have any preferences, just not blue. I’m sick of blue.”

And within a day, Katara acquired a wardrobe consisting only of red.

Every day her routine consisted of waking up, getting dressed in the fine red silks that were provided for her, eating breakfast with Zuko, going to the garden to watch the turtle ducks, and when the sun fully set and the stars shone bright in the sky, Katara made her way back to her room, bathed, and went to bed. Rinse and repeat.

It was a downhill spiral from there. The end of the third week marked when she stopped bending. She no longer made little floating rivers of water for the turtle ducks to swim on and explore, or made them little chips of ice for them to munch on. She just…stopped. She would just sit on the banks of the pond and throw pieces of fruit into the pond, or hold one of the baby turtle ducks. With naught a smile upon her face.

It all came to a boiling point on the night that marked two months since she had left the South Pole and one month science she had arrived at the Fire Nation. She had just finished bathing and was wearing a silken scarlet robe, sitting at the vanity combing through her wet hair when she accidentally knocked over a glass vase holding flowers.

The glass shattered when it hit the floor, water spilling everywhere, the fire lilies scattered on the ground beneath her feet. Katara looked down at the shattered glass, bending down to pick up the pieces.

The shards were mostly small, but the larger pieces caught her eye. She couldn’t look away from them, even as she reached down to grasp the largest piece from the floor, gripping it so tightly in her fist that she drew blood.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

Katara looked at herself in the mirror, and she didn’t recognize the girl staring back at her. Her once full cheeks were gaunt, her now dull blue eyes were sunken in, with dark circles lining underneath them. She took poorer care of her hair now than she ever did during the war. Her hair was no longer shiny and voluminous; now it was limp, and all dead split ends, no longer holding the life it used to have. She glanced at the shard of glass clutched in her hand, blood pouring out of her hand and over the shard, coating the glass in a bright sheen of scarlet.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

Katara grasped some of her hair in her other hand, and before she knew it, she cut the chunk of hair off. The angle was all wrong, with the shortest pieces falling just under her jaw and the longest pieces just over her shoulder. In her haste she didn’t notice that the ribbon tying her mothers necklace to her throat had been cut, and the family heirloom had fallen to the floor.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

Katara gripped the shard of glass harder. She just wanted to feel something, anything other than this never ending emotional torture.

She wanted it to end.

She didn’t want to feel this anymore. Anything to end this unceasing pain.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

She put the shard of glass to her wrist and pressed down. Blood flowed out of her wrist dripping down her hand and onto the floor. The blue ribbon grew darker and blood pooled on the rhino-orca bone carving.

“If you won’t stay out of their way, then you can leave!”

Katara heard muffled shouts, too focused on trying to feel something to decipher what was happening behind her.

The shard was ripped out of her hand and Katara was hauled off the chair, blood streaming down her left wrist and out of her right hand. The bloody shard of glass was thrown across her room and Katara lunged towards it, trying to fight out of the hold someone put her in.

“No! I need it!” She screamed, pushing against the arms wrapped around her, eyes wet and desperate. “Let me go! Please, I need it! I need it!”

More people flooded into the room, but she didn’t care to see who it was. All she wanted was to get it back. There was shouting combined with the physical struggle.

“I need access to her wrist and hands, someone hold her arms down so I can bandage them!”

“Your Majesty you shouldn’t have to see this!”

“She’s my friend, and she needs me. As your Fire Lord I am telling you to get out of my way!”

A figure appeared before her, grabbing her jaw and cupping her cheeks with their hands. “Katara.” Amber eyes filled her vision. Zuko. “I need you to calm down, so that we can help you, okay? Just hold still for me.”

A wet sob ripped from her throat and she stopped fighting against the guards and the physician. “I want to go home, Zuko. I want my, mom.”

Zuko cradled her head so that it was in the crook of his neck letting her cry into his shoulder, just as he did a month ago when she first arrived to the Fire Nation, gently running his hand down the back of her head. The physician had finished bandaging and stitching the wound on her wrist closed.

Zuko lifted her head to look at her. “You should get some rest, I know today was…exhausting, for you. I’ll be right here the whole time.”

“Okay.” She said, eyes already drooping. “Okay.”

.·:*¨༺༻¨*:·.

When Katara woke up, she found that the bedroom she was in was different than the one she had been staying in for the duration of her stay. It was far more opulent than her previous one, more gold accents and the carving on the bed posts and chairs were far more detailed. Somehow, despite both beds having silk sheets, the bed she woke in was far more comfortable and soft.

But there was one more, glaringly obvious, difference.

There were no glass vases. No small blunt objects to smash the singular mirror in the room. No objects that could be considered sharp in the entire room. And what would’ve been balcony doors appeared to be not only shut, but locked.

Katara looked down at her hands. Fresh bandages were wrapped around her left wrist and her right hand was wrapped up as well. She reached up to touch her hair and found that her hair was cut far shorter than she previously had it. It fell just underneath her chin.

She supposed that the lack of sharp or blunt objects as well as her too short hair were the consequences of her own actions.

There were three doors in her new room. One must’ve led to a private bathroom, the second to the main hallway, but she couldn’t figure out where the third door could possibly open up to.

As she was pondering which door led to where, one of them opened. Zuko entered through the door, the scrolls almost falling out of his arms at the sight of her awake, “Katara.” He breathed. “You’re awake.”

He dumped the scrolls on the desk pushed against the wall before rushing over to the bed and sitting on the edge. Before he could say anything she spoke.

“I’m sorry.” Katara whispered.

Zuko reached over and grabbed her bandaged hand, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Katara. If anything I should’ve noticed you were only getting worse. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “You’re already very busy, it’s shocking you were even able to make time to have breakfast and dinner with me. You gave me as much attention as you could spare. It’s not your fault.”

“Still,” He sighed. “I should’ve noticed something. And I’m sorry to say that I broke my promise to you.”

Katara furrowed her brows. “What promise?”

Zuko deeply inhaled. “I wrote to my uncle. He’ll be arriving in about a week to act as regent for me.”

“Okay? That doesn’t explain what promise you broke.” She questioned.

“I also wrote to your brother and Suki. As well as Toph and Aang. I told them that I lied about where you were, and that you’ve been here this whole time.”

Katara swallowed. “Oh.”

“My uncle will be acting as regent for me, because we’ll all be going to Ember Island…for the foreseeable future.”

“Why?”

Zuko’s eyes narrowed. “Why? Maybe because you just tried to kill yourself, Katara. You need to be around friends and family who can support you right now. And there’s no way I’m letting you go through this alone. Was I supposed to just keep letting one of my best friends waste away? Right in front of my eyes? When I can do something about it?”

Katara looked down. “I don’t want to be a burden, Zuko.”

“Katara you could never be a burden. Not to me, not to Sokka, not to Aang, or Suki, or Toph—”

“Well I was a burden to my tribe evidently.”

“They were only irritated because you were right, and they knew it. You were calling them out for their beliefs, and they didn’t like that. They felt threatened by you; and rightfully so. You, Katara, are a force to be reckoned with. Can’t be a force to be reckoned with if you hit it in the jugular.”

Katara closed her eyes. “They hit me where it hurts.”

“Exactly. So we are going on a little vacation, no politics, no incoming comet of death and destruction, no war to think of. Just us and our family to relax on the beach.”

“So a distraction,” Katara weakly scoffed. “Yeah that’ll work for sure.”

“It’s not a distraction. This, is to bring back the Katara we know and love, the Katara who stood up for herself and for others. She’s still in there somewhere.” Zuko stated, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and bringing her in for a side hug.

“What if I can’t? What if I’m not strong enough?” She whispered, tears springing in her eyes.

“You are strong enough. Always have been, always will be.” He asserted. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

She wanted it to be true.

#katara #katara atla #katara avatar #atla katara #atla #avatar #avatar the last airbender #avatar: the last airbender #atla fic #snogards writes

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snogardsactuallywrites · 9 months ago

Text

you have to understand (that the one i killed is me)

Becoming Guardian of the Miraculous has caused nothing but anxiety and stress for Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Between her duties as Guardian, her job as Ladybug, and her civilian life, she's struggling to push through the stress. To Marinette, there's only one solution to her plight; she has to give up one of the three sides of her life.

Chapter Summary Quote:

"Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man conscious of guilt." – Plautus.

Tags: angst heavy, depression, unbeta'd, marinette-centric

Word count: 2,872

1 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Read on AO3

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Chapter 2: Sign of the Times

They told me that the end is near

We gotta get away from here

- Sign of the Times by Harry Styles -

Tuesday, May 1st, 2018

Waking up the next morning, knowing what she was about to do, knowing that in a week she wouldn’t see her family and friends for who knows how long, hurt far more than Marinette thought it would. Going downstairs to eat breakfast before she went to school, and seeing her mother there behind the counter making her food, nearly made her start sobbing then and there.

“Morning, Mama.” Marinette choked out, struggling to hold back her tears and sound semi-normal. She would need to get better at doing that if she was going to look less suspicious over the next two weeks; she didn’t need anyone catching on and poking their nose into anything she was doing.

“Good morning, sweetheart!” Sabine greeted. Her eyes flitted over to Marinette, a concerned look appearing across her face, lips forming into a frown. Her mother moved towards her and placed her hands on her face, turning it left and right as she inspected it. “Marinette, are you okay? You look exhausted, and your eyes are all red. Did something happen last night?”

“No, nothing happened. I just didn’t sleep well, Mama” Marinette’s mouth burned as the lie left her lips. It took everything in her to not break down in her mother's arms and tell her everything that’s happened in the last three years and have her mother talk her out of her plan.

“If you say so, now eat your breakfast and get ready for school. If you take any longer, you’ll be late.” Marinette smiled, replying with her agreement, and began eating her breakfast.

I only have one week before their trip outside the city to Marseille, and I have one night to pull this off. Marinette thought to herself, biting into her croissant. First thing I need to do is to actually find a place to stay, preferably somewhere on the opposite side of the city.

“Marinette.”

The 13th arrondissement would be the best option, but I could make do with the 14th as long as I’m extra careful.

“Marinette.”

I’ll have to wait until later to search for places to stay for the time being. Maybe an abandoned apartment? Or a building under construction? Master Fu’s old place? Or even–

“Marinette!”

Marinette jerked to attention, banging her knee against the counter. “Huh? What?”

Her mother sighed and pointed to the clock, “If you don’t get dressed now, you’re going to be late to school.”

Marinette’s eyes widened, “Oh shoot! Thank you, Mama! I’ll see you later!” she shouted, rushing out of her chair and into her room to get dressed.

As soon as Marinette climbed into her bedroom, Tikki flew up to her, “Marinette, are you absolutely sure you want to go through with this? I’ll support you either way, but I just want you to be absolutely certain before you do anything.”

“Yes, I’m sure, Tikki.” Marinette sighed, pulling on a white button up. “It’s the only way I can do it, and the sooner I find Hawkmoth, the sooner everything can go back to normal.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Tikki said as Marinette tugged on a pair of light blue denim jeans and tucked her shirt in. “Just…please talk to me if you’re feeling too overwhelmed. I care about you, Marinette, and I don’t want you to make any decisions that you might regret.”

“I know that what I have to do is going to be hard, and I’m aware that the next week is going to be extremely difficult for me; But this is something I must do–Hawkmoth has taken over too much of my life. I just want everything to go back to normal.” Marinette said, looking over at Tikki with pain glistening in her eyes.

She slipped into a muted pink sweater vest, turning towards her mirror. Marinette looked at herself, the perfect picture of normality. She dressed as she always did, in fact, she over dressed, her outfit far nicer than what she would usually wear for school.

“I do want to say, you’re looking awfully nice for just going to school, Marinette.” Tikki stated. “You don’t usually dress like this for school.”

“I have to look as if everything is normal.” Marinette replied, letting her hands run down the front of the sweater vest. “Besides, I can’t wear my normal casual clothes, I’m going to need them while I’m gone, it’s not like I can wear my pajamas the whole time I’m gone. If I need to get food, I’ll need to wear casual clothes, as well as a disguise. And if there’s an akuma in the middle of the day, I can’t just detransform in an alley while wearing the clothes I’m sleeping in. They need to be clean, and who knows when I’ll be able to do my laundry.”

Marinette locked eyes with Tikki through the reflection of the mirror, “Everything is normal.”

╔══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╗

Marinette was having a hard time pretending everything was normal.

The moment she set eyes on her best friend, she was immediately consumed with guilt for a plan she had yet to act on. All she could think about was the amount of pain she was about to put her through.

As she sat at her shared desk with Alya, Marinette’s thoughts began to consume her.

Would she forgive me after this? Marinette thought to herself. If she ever found out the truth, would she find it in herself to forgive me? Or would she leave me behind out of betrayal? What kind of best friend does this?

In her daze, she didn’t notice the concerned looks Adrien, Alya, and Nino shared with one another. Nor did she notice when the trio pulled their phones out.

Adrien: Is Marinette doing okay? She looks so out of it, I’m a little concerned.

Nino: ditto on that dude

Nino: she usually daydreams, but this is really bad

Alya: The girls and I talked to her yesterday. She’s taking her breakup with Luka pretty hard

Alya: From what Jules told me, their breakup was amicable, but I dug up from Marinette that they broke up because of something she had done

Alya: She didn’t say what it was, all she said was that it was a mutual decision between the two of them and didn’t elaborate any further

Alya: Juleka tried to ask Luka the reason, but he was also pretty tight-lipped about it apparently

Nino: i hope mar feels better soon, she knows we're here for her right?

Adrien: I didn’t realize she was taking her breakup with Luka so hard. We’ll have to let her know she can always talk to us if she needs anything, or if she wants a shoulder to cry on.

Alya: She said that she was just going to be sad for a bit, but that otherwise she’ll be fine

Adrien: That’s good news at least. We’ll just keep her as much company as possible, while she’s still grieving her relationship.

Nino: good idea, dude

Alya: That’s a good idea. She mentioned this morning that she wanted to get rid of some of her clothing, so maybe we could help her pack some of it up after school today

Adrien: I’ll have to check with Natalie, but I’m sure if I just tell her we’re studying, I can help out.

Nino: 👍

╔══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╗

Marinette just couldn’t say no.

She can’t say no to anything, really. The people pleaser in her heard them and said to her, “Marinette, you can’t just say no. They don’t know what you’re actually doing with the clothes you’re supposedly “donating”. And Adrien got permission to hang out for once, it would be selfish of you to decline their offer, wouldn’t it?”

So now the four of them are in Marinette’s bedroom going through her clothes, and shoving the chosen outfits into trash bags to be sent off to Emmaüs to donate. What she did say no to was the offer to help her bring the trash bags to the store.

“Are you sure you don’t want our help?” Alya asked. “That’s a lot of stuff to bring to the store yourself, Mari.”

Marinette looked up from the bag she finished tying up. “Papa is helping me drop the clothes off at the store later this week before their trip to Marseille for that wedding they’re going to. Besides, it’s only three bags, not boxes upon boxes.”

“Why aren’t you going to the wedding?” Adrien questioned, sprawled out on her chaise lounge like a cat basking in the sunlight (literally, the glow of the sun only made his hair more golden and literal gold). “You were invited too, right?”

“Nope, it’s a child-free wedding, and according to the brides, I don’t make the age cut. My parents aren’t just guests, either, they’re making the wedding cake as their gift, so it’s technically work. I doubt they would have had me go with them even if they weren’t guests themselves. ” Marinette shrugged. “I don’t mind all that much anyway, I get a few days to catch up on homework and sew up some of the designs in my sketchbook without interruption.”

“Or play some Ultimate Mecha Strike with your favorite people!” Nino pipped up.

“Or to have a sleepover with your best friend~” Alya sang from her spot on Marinette’s bed.

Marinette laughed. Of course, Alya would suggest a sleepover. “Sorry, Alya, my parents already told me no sleepovers while they’re gone.”

“Ugh. I thought Tom and Sabine were the cool ones.” Alya visibly deflated. “Guess it’s gonna be a digital sleepover for us.”

“Count me in, Al's, we could all do an online UNO sesh.” Nino said. “I bet it wouldn’t take much to win against you losers.”

Alya gasped and sat up, grabbing one of Marinette’s pillows and chucking it at Nino, “You take that back! Beating you at UNO would take less time than Ladybug and Chat Noir’s fights against Mr. Pigeon!”

Marinette laughed along with Adrien while the couple continued to bicker with each other.

She would miss this.

╔══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╗

Wednesday, May 2nd 2018

Finding an abandoned place in the 13th arrondissement was harder than she thought it would be. Finding an apartment itself wasn’t what was difficult. It’s how she could find an apartment to hide out in. Going out as herself wouldn’t be very easy, especially if she bumped into someone she knew. However, going out as Ladybug would bring about another set of difficulties.

If she went out as Ladybug, she’d have Chat Noir asking questions about why she was out more often, and as much as she wanted him in on the plan, her identity could be compromised if he showed up announced. Civilians could notice her roaming around and request pictures or interviews if they were a news crew or paparazzi.

Okay, Marinette thought. Pros and Cons, it’ll have to be. Pros of going as myself: Fewer people coming up to me and interrupting my search. Con: If someone I know sees me, they’ll have questions as to why I’m there. Pro: They could automatically assume I’m there to go to some of the Asian markets to get some groceries for Mama. Con: Access to the apartments won’t be very easy, especially in trying to find an abandoned one.

Pros of going as Ladybug: Easy access to any apartments as well as a speedy getaway if anyone approaches. Con: Chat Noir could see me and get curious as to what I’m doing and try to follow or approach me. Pro: If there’s an Akuma attack, I could get there much quicker, and possibly defeat the Akuma faster as well.

Ladybug it is, Marinette decided. She only had three days left until her parents left for the wedding. Three days to find a place, move all her clothes, and buy some supplies so that she wouldn’t starve and would have somewhere to sleep. As well as supplies to make her suspect board. She had a lot to do and very little time to do it.

“Tikki, Spots On!” Marinette felt the transformation rush over her and leapt up to her balcony to find herself her very first apartment.

╔══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╗

Thursday, May 3rd 2018

Finding an abandoned apartment was actually a lot harder than Marinette initially thought it would be. She could understand a whole building not being completely abandoned, but finding just one apartment was starting to be difficult. She hasn’t searched the whole arrondissement just yet, only about half of it. But giving her luck so far, the odds weren’t looking so good.

Marinette didn’t leave her house until after her parents went to bed, thankfully the two of them had to be up at almost 3:00 in the morning, so she was able to leave just past 8:00pm. Marinette wouldn’t be going back home until she found an apartment, and it was already 1:00am.

“I have to stop and take a break.” Marinette mumbled to herself. “I’ll run myself ragged at this rate, and I still have school tomorrow.”

Marinette sat down on the ledge of a building, closing her eyes and just letting the sounds of the city of lights in the dead of night wash over her. She thought of nothing and everything. The laughter of her friends and family over the last few weeks. The feeling of the tears rolling down her cheeks when she was finally alone with her thoughts. The smell of Alya’s vanilla scented perfume and Adrien’s cedar cologne, the smell of the pastries her Papa and Mama bake every morning, the smell of the coffee Nino brings them all every morning, knowing that the four of them were up all night. The sound of Chat Noir’s shouts during Akuma fights, of Master Fu granting her guardianship over the Miracle box, the sound of Luka’s melodic voice asking her why she was lying to him. The taste of the tears now rolling down her face, gliding over her lips, salty and bitter.

Marinette sat on top of that building in the 13th arrondissement, letting the sounds, the scents, the feelings, and the taste of her home wash over her. Letting the senses of the city take over, instead of the emotions she feels.

Marinette opened her eyes, sight blurred with the sea of her emotions, and let the lights of Paris entrance her, encompass her. Let Paris suffocate her senses. It was already suffocating her, anyway. What was more suffocation. Time seemed like it stopped, like she was letting herself be for as long as she needed.

So Marinette stood, used to the suffocating nature of Paris after three long years, and got back to her task of finding a place to headquarter in. After taking her much-needed break, it didn’t take her very long to find a relatively run-down building, with a shop underneath the apartment bearing a for-sale sign, and upon searching the building up using her yo-yo, the shop–and the apartment by extension–had been up for sale for 4 months.

She found her place.

╔══════ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══════╗

Friday, May 4th 2018

By the time she got home last night to sleep, it was 3:00 in the morning, narrowly missing her parents getting ready for the day. She had gone back and forth from her house to the apartment, dropping off the bags of clothes.

Marinette now had two days left, her parents were leaving for Marseille tomorrow morning–Friday morning–and wouldn’t be planning on coming home until Sunday Night, they had all of Friday to take the train to Marseille and settle into their hotel, Saturday to meet with the brides to discuss the cake as well as bake said cake, and Sunday to attend the wedding.

Marinette would be leaving late Saturday Night.

Thursday morning, after her final class, she bolted to the store to grab the necessities. She wasn’t lying when she said she was going to Emmaüs, she was just lying about what she would be doing there. Finding a comforter and a sleeping bag wasn’t that hard, nor a portable stove and toaster oven to cook food, she wasn’t going to be living off of take out for the foreseeable future. She found a large corkboard and some thumbtacks on sale at an office supply store, as well as some red yarn she dug out of her yarn trunk at home (yes, she was going full movie style detective, how could she not? If she was going to be miserable investigating Hawkmoth for who knows how long, she might as well have some fun with it).

Like with her clothes, Marinette waited until the dead of night to bring the supplies back to the apartment, and just like last time, it took multiple trips to bring everything over.

Before she knew it, Friday had arrived. Marinette woke up early (shocking) to say goodbye to her parents got dressed, and left for school.

Marinette bounded up the stairs to face the doors of Dupont, Alya in front of her with a smile on her face, “You ready for the weekend, girl!”

As ready as she’ll ever be.

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #miraculous au #miraculous fic #marinette centric #mlb fandom #mlb fic #dual posted on ao3 #snogards writes

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snogardsactuallywrites · 1 year ago

Text

you have to understand (that the one i killed is me)

Tags: angst heavy, depression, un-beta'd

word count: 1,270

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Read on AO3

Spotify Playlist

Chapter 1: Wide Awake

Thunder rumbling

Castles crumbling

I am trying to hold on

God knows that I tried

Seeing the bright side

I’m not blind anymore

I’m wide awake

- Wide Awake by Katy Perry -

Marinette numbly stared down at the box in her hands. It had been three weeks since the battle against Miracle Queen. Three weeks since Master Fu transferred the guardianship of the Miraculous over to her, erasing his memories in the process; and her life has been nothing but miserable ever since.

As she stared down at the box that was slowly leading her to her demise, all she could think was how she couldn’t hold this much responsibility. Her eyes, which should have been bright with the joyful naivety of youth, were dim and tired, making her look as if she had been alive for far longer than the fifteen years she’s been on this earth. Dark circles and bags lay beneath those sky-blue eyes, the true evidence of her lack of sleep. She had far too many responsibilities, and they were starting to make an impact on her health, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Marinette recalled the events of earlier today. How Alya, Alix, Juleka, Mylene, and Rose all got akumatised because of her, how in the end she gave them a shitty lie instead of the truth that she can never tell them, how even when Alya stayed behind to talk to her, she still didn’t say anything. Maybe in another universe, she told Alya that she was Ladybug, maybe she even told them all, or she told Chat Noir, as risky as that would be, but in this one, she was still all alone.

“Marinette?” Tikki called out, the kwami’s eyes full of concern for her holder, “You could have told Alya, it wouldn’t–”

“It would put her in danger, Tikki,” Marinette muttered. “I can’t tell anyone, not even Chat Noir. That would just put him in danger too. I’m alone in this, I’ve accepted that and so should you.”

Marinette racked her brain for anything she could do to make this whole situation easier for herself, but every idea she had wouldn’t work. Every idea ended with complete isolation from everyone, abandoning all her friends and eventually her family too, just to continue to fight Hawkmoth for possibly the rest of her life, and never seeing them again. The other options included quitting being Ladybug for good, but that wouldn’t work either. For one, she doesn’t want to give Tikki up, or Chat Noir for that matter, and two she would have to go out and find a replacement and that would take who knows how long, and there's no guarantee that this new Ladybug would even be able to keep up with Chat Noir or handle the Akumas. Every option she thought of was one she didn't enjoy the outcome of.

A plan, she thought. I just need one plan, that’ll ensure I can beat Hawkmoth sooner rather than later, and won’t have to give up my civilian life forever for.

“Marinette, you don’t have to give up your civilian life or give up being Ladybug. You can do both,” Tikki pleaded. “I believe in you, you can handle both.”

And just then, an idea popped into Marinette’s head. It was insane and would probably require a lot of planning and wouldn’t be able to be put into action until her parents would be out of the city for a catering event for a few days. She would have two weeks to prepare for the most insane idea that she’s ever thought of.

“I don’t quite like the look on Marinette’s face right now…” Ziggy whispered to the other Kwami’s, “She has this crazed look in her eyes.”

“I’m not crazy, Ziggy,” Marinette stood up from her chaise, her tired, baggy eyes wild as she gestured to herself, “I’m a genius. I don’t have to give up my civilian life permanently!”

“See, Marinette! I told you that you didn't have to give up your civilian life! You just need to—”

“Fake my own kidnapping! There are no flaws in that!” Marinette enthused. “I’ll just go missing for a few weeks and dedicate that time to hunting down Hawkmoth and my duties as Ladybug won’t be as taxing! It’s genius!”

The Kwami’s looked at each other, and then looked back at Marinette. She had her arms crossed with one hand on her chin, occasionally lifting it to gesture at nothing as she mumbled to herself, pacing back and forth across her room. Her hair was messy from running her fingers through it and her eyes, formerly droopy and tired from stress, were now wide and wild thinking through the details of her plan.

The group of god-like creatures huddled together and nudged Sass forward to say something to their Guardian that may break her away from her plan. “Ah, Marinette, while that idea isss…intriguing, we don’t believe that it’sss the wisessst plan. Where would you go while being Ladybug? What would you do to find Hawkmoth? And if you did happen to find him and recover the Butterfly and Peacock Miraculousss, how would you go about un-kidnapping yourssself?”

Marinette stopped pacing and for a moment the Kwami’s thought that Sass had gotten through to Marinette. Until she opened her mouth, that is.

“Well, I would find an abandoned building to stay in, of course. As for finding Hawkmoth, that’s a plan that would take longer than a few minutes to think of, and figuring out what would happen after I recover the Miraculous is something for future Marinette to figure out.”

“Marinette,” Orikko spoke. “What about your friends? You’re parents? You’ll be leaving them, and they won’t even know what actually happened to you. Doesn’t that make you sad?”

Marinette’s arms went limp, as if hugging herself, her eyes softening and dropping in sadness, eyebrows scrunching, as a frown formed on her face. She looked as if the life had been sucked out of her. “You think I won’t be sad? Of course I’ll be sad. I don’t—I don’t actually want to leave my life behind, but I don’t have a choice. I’ve never had a choice when it comes to the Miraculous. I have to do what’s best for the greater good, and if giving up my life is what it takes, then that’s what I’ll do. No amount of begging is going to convince me to do otherwise. I’m sorry.”

The Kwami’s looked down after hearing Marinette. It hadn’t occurred to them that Marinette had felt this way about the Miraculous, or that she didn’t actually want to leave her friends and family behind and be the Guardian and Ladybug for the time being. The thought of this brought some of the Kwami’s to tears.

“Oh, Marinette,” Mullo cried. “We’re sorry! We didn’t think about how you felt about this. Well, we knew of course because we were there, but we didn’t know that’s exactly how you felt!”

The other Kwami’s shouted their agreement with what Mullo said, and flew over to hug Marinette.

Marinette closed her teary eyes and pet the Kwami’s as they nuzzled close to her, “I love each and every one of you.” she said, “Never think otherwise.”

“We love you too, Marinette!” Daizzi exclaimed.

“Everything will be okay, Marinette.” Wayzz declared, “All will go well.”

“Of course everything's gonna work out. I have all of you to help me.” Marinette replied. But even as the words left her mouth, she was still consumed by the everlasting blanket of loneliness that, in two weeks time, would be all she had.

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #miraculous au #miraculous fic #marinette centric #mlb fandom #mlb fic #dual posted on ao3 #snogards writes

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