sobergirl0 - Tumblr blog

[sobergirl0]

a crying on the bathroom floor kinda day

Yep, these still exist, even after a year and two months sober. I guess they're necessary. Obviously, that's not how you feel when you're sitting there, with your face buried in both hands, asking yourself "what do i do this for? is any of this even worth it?"

I would have entered a loop of wanting to disappear, getting anxious when my problems came back over and over again and never went away no matter how hard I tried to pretend they weren't there, wanting to disappear again, getting anxious, etc.

Today, I didn't do that. I don't blame myself for the things I did in the past, at least I don't anymore, but I'm not that person, I know how to soothe my body, I know healthier ways to deal with crying on the bathroom floor kinda days, I know better. So, I cleaned up, I exercised, I showered, I did every little thing I know that grounds me and help myself remember I know better.

I feel proud, strong, comfortable with myself because this proved, once more, I know how to take care of me. I promised not to leave me behind and that's usually easy and getting easier, but today was fucking hard and I didn't, not even for a second, think of risking everything I've achived.

Today was a wonderful crying on the bathroom floor kinda day.

[sobergirl0]

9 days away from a year sober

I remember being proud of myself for spending 5 days without roleplaying, already noticing changes in myself, spending hours rotting in bed and wondering if it would always be that hard. It's been 356 days since I decided to leave it behind and never looked back.

I'd spent so many years hating myself, I was furious. It's crazy to think now I look back and only feel greatful. Past me didn't think she had nothing to live for, to fight for, but she still believed in me enough to stay and to take the decision to get sober. If it wasn't for her (me), I would have never reconnected with my loved ones, with my art, with my city, with myself.

Life is still fucking hard, my anxiety still follows me wherever I go, the question "is it even worth it???" comes back to me over and over again. But also, I'm the happiest I've been in 7 years. All I can say is thank you not-sobergirl for giving me a chance, not matter what I'm never going back to that shithole.

[sobergirl0]

Life shouldn't be a war

That was the first lesson I had to face when I decided to get sober and stood in front of a life that hadn't been taken care of in 7 years. There was so much I didn't like (that's a lie, I didn't like anything at all) and I'd spent ages fighting it all. I was always angry, mad, FURIOUS because of the way I looked, how much I weighted, the clothes I used to wear, I didn't like so many things about myself but also about my life. And every single thing I spent my time fighting against fed from my energy til there was nothing left to live.

That was when I had to make a choice and learned a phrase that will forever be my best friend: embrace it or change it. There isn't a third option!!! Is it changeable? Then you work on it, make a compromise and change it. Is it not? Then you embrace it. That was the day I decided I wouldn't waste any more energy, any more time, any more life on the things I hated about what surrounded me both outside and inside.

I realized I'd been fighting my whole life and I would never win, not when I was only fighting against myself. Everything changed since I learned to keep only what I can embrace, to take the time to do so and accept me for me, to own my life and be able to decide what's worth it and what isn't.

Happy 11 months and 2 days sober.

[sobergirl0]

Being present all the time is hard

And I didn't remember that, cause I hadn't been in a long time. And when I was, only half of me was here, the other half was always somewhere else.

Being present all the time is tiring, exhausting even. Sometimes, it makes me want to rip my hair off. I don't miss rps, not in the slightlest, but every single day I miss being away and feeling this burden away as well. Being sober means feeling it all the fucking time, feeling /me/ all the time which is something I'm getting better at dealing with but it's still awful most days, being painfully aware of everything that has gone wrong, will go wrong or could potentially go wrong.

A few months ago, I'd started reading my chats from when I used to roleplay which I KNOW is wrong. Every single time I did, I can swear I felt my body get physically high. My tongue would feel heavy in my mouth, my skin would get hot, I couldn't focus my eyes on anything, time went by faster than ever and when someone tried to talk to me they sounded far away. I admit it, I did it a few times before I managed to delete them all. Because every single time I did it, I got to travel somewhere else, I got to stop feeling me, and the burden and everything else around me. And even though it's a marvelous feeling, one that I miss so fucking much, I won't let it steal any more time from me, 7 years is enough.

Being present is hard, but being away is not an option anymore. I'm not leaving myself behind again, I haven't in 328 days.

[sobergirl0]

I sometimes forget what my body really went through

I'm 9 days away from my 11 months sober medal. Only a month and 9 days to be a whole year sober, which is fucking crazy.

And the thing is... The first half was the easier one, and I wasn't expecting that at all. The first couple of months were filled with first times, with relief, with self discovery and a certain self awareness I'd long forgotten. But as time passed and I got better and got back a lot of pieces of my life I couldn't even remember ever having, things got harder and I started to forget what my body (and my whole self) really went through.

I got impatient, frustrated, and almost unconsciously I began running towards an impossible goal (as I tend to do): getting back the 7 years I lost, making up for the lost time, fixing every single thing I'd broken in myself, as if things could ever work like that. They don't, and even though I'm slowly accepting what I've lost, I still need to learn how to forgive myself for losing it all.

I used to be so mean to myself, I used to be my worst enemy, I used to wish I was dead. I used to hate my body from the core, I used to make fun of my personality, I used to waste all my energy convincing I wasn't worth being loved in any single way. And I don't know how to forgive myself for any of that.

I used to spend days without showering, I used to skip brushing my teeth all the time, I used to wear the same clothes and refuse to get new ones, I used to force myself to stay inside for weeks. And I don't know how to forgive myself for any of that.

But also, I don't know how to allow myself and my body to face the consecuences of what I've done to myself. I want to live my life now that I have it back, while everything in me is still dealing with 7 years of me hating every single thing about myself. I need time but specially I need to understand I can have all the time I need.

[sobergirl0]

87 days after...

Only 13 days to be 200 days in. 200 days sober, that’s fucking insane if you ask me.

Not once in these last 6 months have I ever been close to giving up. Sure, I’ve had the urge many times, but not as intensely as I’d thought I would, not as often either. And it keeps getting easier, my past self wouldn’t believe it for a second.

Things I’ve learned about myself so far:

I love, I absolutely LOVE art. Every single type of art. I’m the happiest when I come across a new movie I love (watch Barbarian !!!), when I discover new music, when I go to the theater, when I listen to someone read a poem.

I’m not desperate to be loved and I prefer being single if I’m not being romantically loved the way I need and deserve.

I’m NOT lonely. My best friend and family are always there for me, even when I couldn’t see it, even when I didn’t know how to let them help me.

My love language is quality time. For 24 years, I was completely clueless.

I used to hate my birthdays and to love being alone, I figured those were caused by my anxiety but I discovered I don’t in fact enjoy my birthday. However, I absolutely love doing things on my own.

I love being able to look back in time and find little things about myself, as if they were treasures: things I’ve written exactly 3 months ago, pictures of places I’ve forgotten I’ve been to, old tweets I wrote while I was furious. I like knowing how I was feeling, what I was thinking. I guess I like knowing today is not forever.

There are probably a lot more I’ve forgotten and so much more to learn. But today, I just love being sober.

[sobergirl0]

Happy 100 days sober to me.

[sobergirl0]

24 y/o girl who thought life was hard discovers life is actually hard

Sober life is so fucking hard. Scary, terrifying.

It’s been more than 3 months, and I’ve done so much. I’ve put so much together, and yet today, right now, I feel like I want to disappear. It’s hard to breathe, my head hurts, everything feels like too much. But I’m sober. I’m still sober and I’ll still be sober once this awful feeling is over. It always comes to an end and it will this time as well.

It’s just so hard. And yet, I left the country for the first time, I made new friends which sometimes felt impossible at my age (as if I was 98 or something), I started writing again, I met so many people, got to see so much, defeated some of my worst fears. Sober. I managed to do all that and more, ‘cause I’m sober.

And now, I want to be ready to love again, and to be loved. Why does it scare me so fucking much? Why do I feel like running away every time I think of seeing him in person? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve it?

Sober life is so fucking hard, and yet non-sober life is just... Not life.

[sobergirl0]

I still don’t know how to write poetry. I still write for you

Would you recognize my face if you saw me in the street? Would you recognize my name if I told you I’m that girl?

March, 2022. I try to silent them, there’s no use: the streets still cream your name.

I went by our spot today, it’s been closed. I wonder if we were the last ones to call it ours.

I wonder if its closeness was what killed ours. I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering.

Sometimes I wish we were close, too. Today I wish I could feel you far away.

[sobergirl0]

I was slowly fading

When I rped on a daily basis, I was only half here, ‘cause I was always half there, too.

Half present, always fighting the urge or drifting away completely. Everything felt half as intense. Always half fading.

I never had time, ‘cause I was constantly doing it, thinking about it, obsessing over it. And I only see all of this now, even though it’s so obvious.

I didn’t have enough time to shower every day (10 minutes a day!! I just couldn’t do it), I didn’t have enough time to reply to my friends, to be fully focused on a conversation or a show or a movie, or a walk. How? How could I live that way? Just thinking about it I get chills.

Sure, I might have bad days, I might get the urge every now and then. But I’m so happy, so present, so /here/. I’m so sober. 6 weeks today, actually.

[sobergirl0]

Used to wish I was dead, now I just wanna feel alive

I love reading, I love watching shows, I love spending hours on TikTok, I loved roleplaying. Because I love dissociating and everything that comes with it.

I’m self-concious in more than one sense, the most difficult one to deal with being the fact that I’m always conscious of me, my actions, my words, my mistakes. For me, dissociating is forgetting I exist, forgetting I have a body I rarely ever enjoy being in, forgetting all the mistakes I’ve made through the years, forgetting I’m alive.

So, I read, I watch shows, I spend hours on TikTok and I wasted 7 years of my life roleplaying.

But there’s one thing, /one/ thing that feels like the major dissociating technique for me, which is crazy because it’s the exact opposite of issolating myself to read. When I’m with someone who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, who makes my heart sing and time pass by as if it’s nothing, I forget I exist, too.

Sometimes, I wonder if that’s what feeling alive truly means. Not being constantly conscious I am, but not remembering at all.

He made me feel like that but I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.

[sobergirl0]

I’ve been looking for someone to stay but I’ve never done it first

I’d forgotten what it was like, starting to like someone this way. I haven’t done it since I started with rps, not like this, and I’m terrified.

I’d forgotten how good it feels. The way my heart jumps in my chest every time I think of that smile, the way my addictive brain loves to play /that/ scene over and over again only to feel the high again, the urge of running and jumping to get rid of the adrenaline, the feeling of having something that’s only mine, like the sweetest secret.

I’d forgotten how bad it feels. The doubts, the fear of getting rejeacted, of not being enough, my incapacibility of thinking of anything else.

But when I was there right in front of him, fuck it felt good. It felt as if I didn’t exist anymore in the best way possible, as if I finally managed to stop being conscious of every single thing about myself. Of course, I could only think of that smile and the fact that was directed at me, that was because of me.

I’m 40 days sober and I know, I feel in my heart, I could get addicted to that smile. Which is probably the reason why I should turn around and walk away. I’ve been doing just that for the past 5 years, not anymore.

[sobergirl0]

How do you love?

Age: 23

Dates: 0

People who have loved me romantically: 0

How? How do you love? How do you get loved? Everywhere I go, people are in love, suffering from love, about to get married, having kids, getting a divorce, talking with 5 people they could potentially love. And I’m... Alone.

I don’t love anyone, no one loves me. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone, I’m sure no one has ever loved me. And sometimes, during my darkest days, I’m not sure if that’s possible.

During my best days, I’m still hopeful, I’m still waiting. But I hate waiting.

Today, I’m not hopeful, but I’m not being dramatic either. Instead, I’m sober. I’m 38 days sober and I’m focusing on the fact that I’d never thought about this kind of things while I was focusing on rps every hour of the day. I stopped craving love, I stopped leaving my home, I stopped trying.

I’m still not sure if I’m lovable or capable of love, but today I’m willing to try.

[sobergirl0]

The one place that never gets cloudy

I visited it. I saw it, it never does, believe me.

How? You go up, up, up, up, until you can see the clouds under your feet. Until they look like a huge park made of cotton candy. And then, you look up. Blue, blue all over. ‘Cause the clouds are under your feet.

When you’re up there, in the sky, flying, everything looks small. The people passing by, the cars, the houses, the buildings, even the clouds if you go far enough. Your problems? No, they don’t dissappear, the clouds don’t either, they just start looking (feeling) small. Everything that has ever made you feel small starts looking tiny, while you look huge. While the sky is blue, ‘cause up there, it always is.

Hi. I’m 37 days sober and I took a plane for the first time (and second, and third, and fourth time).

[sobergirl0]

The art of getting things done

Do I feel like reading? Then, I read. Do I need to shower? I go shower! Did I just have something to eat? I go and wash my plate. Do I want to write for my sober blog? Then, I write for my sober blog.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It used to be one of the hardest things while I was an addict. I’m kidding, hi, I’m still an addict! But I’ve been 20 days sober today, almost 3 whole weeks, which is pretty insane, and I’m noticing so many changes on myself and my life.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this one. About living the moment, which I hadn’t done in 7 long years, about embracing my reality and the good and bad without rps to try and put all that under the carpet.

It’s scary, used to be even scarier when I decided to leave it. I felt... Trapped, as if leaving rps behind meant leaving my scape behind, too. No scapatory. Yet, now I realize that “scapatory” was the one making me feel trapped in the first place, the one that didn’t allow me to find the way back to the light whenever I needed to. It was the smallest shelter in the middle of the dark, one that became addicted and trapped me in.

The art of getting things done. That’s crazy, the fact that even the smallest things, the easiest things, can become the hardest to do. And how much our wellbeing gets jeopardized by not being able to do those /tiny/ things.

I love reading, and writing, I’m jealous of anyone who can draw or paint or dance. But this one? This is my favourite type of art.

[sobergirl0]

In control of my own words

Can you make art about an addiction? Can you make art while being in control of that addiction?

Yes, yes you can. Most of the paintings, inventions, songs, all of them were probably made while on a high. Well, I can’t.

Maybe because my addiction itself requiered some kind creativity. Maybe that’s why it sucked it in and left me empty every time. Maybe that’s why every time I left it for a day or two I went back to my poetry. Maybe that’s why I’m enjoying this blog so much right now. ‘Cause I love writing, I love words, I love language, I love art. And maybe, maybe, maybe that’s why roleplaying was so addicting for me.

(WAS, I said ‘was’, I didn’t say ‘is’, I said ‘was’ without trying to!!!!)

I love writing. I love seeing the words that kept jumping around my brain, I love putting them in order in a beautiful way. But the thing I love the most is that, when I write, my thoughts get quieter. They get more lineal, easier to handle.

This is one of the things I gave up to the day I became an addict. One of so many. I’m slowly getting it back.

I’m 18 days sober today.

[sobergirl0]

About wanting to run away

At one point, my lowest point, I used to look up to the sky. And every single time I saw a plane, I wished from the bottom of my heart to be there. I would have done anything to be there.

It didn’t take me long to realize that, no matter where I went, my addiction would follow. It wasn’t my house the one I wanted to run away from. It wasn’t my city, or my country. It was myself.

That’s the thing with addiction: there’s one only person to blame, to hate on, the one person you’re forced to live with every single day of your life. Yourself.

I have a difficult relationship with myself, always have. I hate myself, but I also know I don’t deserve that, which makes me hate myself even more. I’m full of anger, yet I look in the mirror and cry.

Maybe, that’s the reason why I’ve never been scared of dying. Honestly? It sounds freeing, calm, quiet.

At one point, my lowest point, I used to look up to the sky and wish I was dead. In a month, it’ll be 3 years since I decided to continue breathing. I wonder if I did it as a gift for my future self, or if I just wanted to piss her off.

Hi, I’m 15 days sober today. Two weeks and a day, that’s insane.