sorryimessedupagain - Tumblr blog

[sorryimessedupagain]

wouldn’t it feel good? to just cease to exist? to forget the future you and i planned together? i wish i could pretend that there was nothing there. to pretend that every meaningful word sent was just a joke. that there wasn’t a hope for us, that there wasn’t a future. i can’t keep feeling like this. oh my god i want to die. i want to be drug across the sidewalk as you tell me the concrete tastes like love. and i would buy it. i would believe caring tastes like blood and that relationships tastes like broken teeth and emptiness.

[sorryimessedupagain]

happy birthday, i miss you a lot. i miss sitting next to you with your hand rested on my thigh as i listen to you talk and talk. i miss when you make a point you squeezed me and shook me a little and i’d always roll my eyes and smile because being touched by you felt like home. i miss how i’d tell you a story, talking with my hands like usual, and youd wave your arms around mocking my movements. i’d give you a look, youd apologize, and then smile and look at me. and when you looked at me, i knew you cared about every word that fell out of my mouth. you made me feel so special; and every time you held my hand i could’ve melted into the concrete and been happy to be a puddle. talking to you felt like you and i were the only people in the universe. you were the only person i didn’t mind making eye contact with while i spoke, because i could get lost in your eyes for hours. i miss the way you kissed me passionately just because, the way you squeezed me when you hugged me. you let me fall asleep on you, and even though i’m pretty sure i drooled on your shoulder, you held my hand as we both enjoyed the 3 AM darkness. you made me feel loved like i’d never been loved before. and i miss it. i would give anything to have you hold me, to get to listen to one of your rambling stories again, to have you look at me and softly smile just because i’m there. i miss your laughs at my jokes, the playful banter that brought out the soft side in you if you took it too far. i miss you caring, and asking ab my triggers and making sure i’m mentally okay. i miss feeling the way you made me feel. and i hope, one day you meet someone that makes you feel the same way you made me feel. because you made me feel like i was worth it, like i finally was someone worth being around for. while i know we can’t make these memories any more, i know i’ll revisit them in my dreams and i’ll get to love you unconditionally there. i’ll run my fingers through your hair one last time, rub my thumb over your hand, and kiss you like it is our last. we never got to say goodbye, so i’m saying it now. i’ll miss everything about us, including the ups and downs, but i need to come to terms with you not wanting me back. i’ll always love you, and i’ll search for you in my dreams.

[sorryimessedupagain]

life update

... hello

*tw s*lf harm & weight mention*

boy has it been a while since i’ve been on here. to be honest, i periodically check back in to respond to the sweet messages you all send me. i cannot express how heart warming it is knowing that there are people out there that do care about me (and make sure i haven’t d*ed hahaha). even if im not posting, im still creeping around doing my little thing on here.

personally, things haven't been too bad for me recently. for those of you who care to read this, even though 99.9% of you all don’t know me, things in my life have been a sort of steady uphill climb. i graduated college, and got a full time job (woohoo! adult!). i ACTUALLY fell in love for the first time, and experienced probably the worst heartbreak ever because of it (distance didn’t do me any favors). but im working on loving myself and healing from my past. things sure haven’t been easy for me in life, but i finally feel as though i am getting to a point in my life where i am in control of my own happiness. and that includes being comfortable with gaining a little weight (which would’ve set me over the edge in the past) and being 3 months clean of sh. i also have the best friends I've always wanted in life by my side. for the first time, i know what authentic ride or die friendship is. i don’t feel lonely anymore.

i’m finally getting the clean start i’ve always wanted. things are looking up for me, im feeling hopeful about my future again.

and i mean, for someone who didn’t plan on living past the age of 16, i don’t think im doing too bad. just doing a lot more “creating my life plan as i go” than the average young adult.

so, long story short, im not doing too bad, and im still alive. and sometimes that's all i can really ask for. for those of you who check in on me and send me those nice messages, even if i forget to respond, i read them all. and your care for some random stranger on the internet who blogs about her mental health struggles means a lot. keep being great people <3

[sorryimessedupagain]

i’m waiting for an “i miss you” text that’ll never come

[sorryimessedupagain]

i feel like i have nobody who actually cares

[sorryimessedupagain]

every time i eat i feel like throwing up. i went over 24 hours not eating yesterday and felt nothing but sadness. i am done with existing. nothing brings me joy

[sorryimessedupagain]

five days ago we were FINE. WE WERE FUCKING FINE WHAT HAPPENED

[sorryimessedupagain]

every time i eat i feel sick. i don’t feel hungry anymore. i keep having bursts of tears that i can’t control. the days are so long but go by so quick. sometimes i wonder how it would feel to have everything stop

[sorryimessedupagain]

i ruined the best thing that happened to me. i try to blame it on him, on outside factors, but it boils down to me. i’m the one who let him go, who convinced myself that i was not happy. in reality i have not been happy since we broke up. he told me it was love at first sight for him..... and i will never get a second chance. i feel like i will not love anyone as much as i did him. i looked through our old polaroids today and did nothing but cry because i know i fucked up

[sorryimessedupagain]

waking up each morning isn’t getting any easier

[sorryimessedupagain]

i stopped painting my nails white. he told me back then that he thought white nails looked pretty. i painted them red today.

[sorryimessedupagain]

he didn’t even try and fix it he just left

[sorryimessedupagain]

hey tumblr community to shows up to my page to shit on me daily about my mental hospital post? fuck you guys. honestly, i cannot express enough that i WAS hospitalized, that im NOT romanticizing my experience, that YES i focused on the good things in my post BECUASE ITS MY POST ITS MY BLOG GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK. you guys have taken something that meant a lot to me, that took courage for me to post, and make me cry every time i open this platform because you do not agree. then move on. theres no need to bombard my dm’s, my inbox, the comments under my post with nasty words. i hate sitting here crying because you guys cant comprehend that not everyone has the same experience as you and that i am a real fucking human being with feelings. i joined tumblr years ago to find a community that accepts me, not one that makes me feel worse about myself

[sorryimessedupagain]

im really considering texting my ex boyfriend rn please give me reasons not to before i do something i regret

[sorryimessedupagain]

i’m really out here bursting into tears every time i see my ex walking around campus

[sorryimessedupagain]

a quick doodle before bed

[sorryimessedupagain]