souji-upseta - Tumblr blog

[souji-upseta]

She’s the most beautiful person you’ve ever met, and I just couldn’t … I just couldn’t … love her.

And I see it now. I see what it was that I lost in her. Moreover, I see why I messed it up in the way that I did. And it’s because of this, right?

It’s because I loved one thing in this world more than I did her, right? One thing. And do you know what that one thing was?

Hating myself.

I love it. I’m addicted to it. I don’t know anything else. ... And that’s why I messed it up with her. Because I hated myself so much more than I loved her. And I loved her so very much.

I’ve spent my whole life running away. And this … this competition, this was just another hundred meters in a marathon I was never gonna finish alive.

— 'Baby Reindeer', written by Richard Gadd.

[souji-upseta]

There’s an interesting dichotomy between the malefic deliberateness of your abuser and the involuntary compulsiveness of your stalker. What episode four does is that, for the first three episodes, you ask ‘Why is he indulging this person?’ But when you realise what he’s been through, by the time [Martha] comes through the doors at the end of episode four and does that big smile that only Jess can do, you think ‘Thank God, Martha’s back.’ And you understand why Donny indulged her… I wanted to show what Darrien did was perniciously evil whereas Martha’s behaviour came from a place of deep vulnerability.

Richard Gadd on Baby Reindeer’s harrowing ending: “It’s the most truthful scene of the entire show” by Miles Ellingham

[souji-upseta]

[souji-upseta]

Baby reindeer is the best series I have watched in a while. Would recommend to anyone who likes watching shows with complex characters.

It highlights how stalking can be a symptom of an illness much deeper, a loneliness and self hate that keeps growing like a virus.

Also how sometimes people for a little validation end up facing so much abuse. Abuse can ruin one's understanding of what's right and wrong entirely.

The desire to be famous is so tragic, it steals all the peace and sanity from one's life.

[souji-upseta]

i really like baby reindeer because of how fucked up it is.

i like that it captures the realistic complications of being a victim too.

so often people have a tight little box that they try to fit a victim into, like someone sweet, innocent, never wrong, etc.

you can be a massive pos and also be a victim to someone else.

also, sometimes you can be a really great person, and then you can encounter a trauma that wrecks your life and makes you appear "messy" or "problematic" to people who don't know better.

also, when you're a victim to ongoing abuse, it's a very normal reaction to have very complicated feelings about your abuser. especially if the abuse is sexual, be it outright or a suggestion.

also, it's a natural defense mechanism for victims to reciprocate the actions of abuse either by way of feeling like they have some control, or because they think it will hurt less if they seem willing. that can apply to any kind of abuse.

the bit of the police putting him as her equal is... jarring and painfully accurate. his own actions appearing equally abusive is so sad because only he knows why he did those things.

i'm not done yet with this series, watching now, but... i really love this.

this was a brave mini. the fact that it is based on his story makes it all the more beautifully tragic.

i wish more victims would share their stories in their authentic light.

the world needs stories like this.

the part where he said he was addicted to hating himself and that he loved hating himself... fuck, dude.

[souji-upseta]

ive never seen as good a depiction of fawning to your abuser out of empathy for their own mental illness and trauma until baby reindeer.

[souji-upseta]

The trigger warnings still did not prepare me for how much this show wrecked me 🥲

[souji-upseta]

finally made dinner like, a day later.

hey, that counts for something! 😎

[souji-upseta]

u ever just repeat st to yourself so many times it fades into the monotony of all the other noise inside of your head?

cuz boy i sure am sick of doing that and am blowing up my community mental health center's phones tomorrow 🙏🏻

[souji-upseta]

oh fuck *falls back into old habits* *screen fades to black* *level loading* TIP: your belief that you are incapable of changing for the better will become a self fulfilling prophecy if left unchallenged

[souji-upseta]

i will say, i'm really glad for the upd8 yesterday, and that it was today that this happened, bc i really, really needed that. the upd8 made me so, so happy, and i don't think i'd be holding my shit together nearly as well as i am if not for being able to ride that high.

i'm still gonna post my thoughts soon and probably annoy everyone i know on discord for THEIR thoughts and make myself as un-isolated as possible. bc that's the best thing for me rn, for healing, which makes it also the best thing for my surviving pets, bc they need me and deserve me at my best.

kinda heartwarming, tbh. i really missed this part about being active in fandom.

[souji-upseta]

CW: animal death

i'm still forming my thoughts, but i just wanted to give the update that, as i'd feared would happen, splitzø's condition very suddenly and very severely declined overnight, practically a 180°. there was no hope and her suffering was absolutely horrific.

got her to the emergency vet as quickly as i could for euthanasia, and death gave this beautiful, sassy, feisty little duck peace.

and peace is splitzø's least favorite thing, and she will loudly and vocally oppose peace at any point it might threaten to encroach on her surroundings. she was SO talkative. so much energy. she was the most chaotic bowling pin you'd ever meet.

i'm gonna miss this chaos birb.

i'm not rly ok tbh, and that's all that needs to be said on the matter and all i can say bc im fucking exhausted, but keep us all in your thoughts, if you can. especially her poor flockmates, fuck...

please just go tell your pets you love them, if nothing else.

Fly high, Splitzø.

5/8/23–4/14/24

[souji-upseta]

i cant believe it’s 4/13 its midnight rn this marks 5 years since souji seta almost fucking fell into his tv and died holy shit

[souji-upseta]

ok im abt to read the upd8 so i can see 413 posts free of spoilers, wish me luck. o7 will not liveblog but WILL keep a log of my notes AND ACTUALLY POST IT THIS TIME JFC LMAO

[souji-upseta]

thank you so much

[souji-upseta]

Can you hear me out for a couple seconds

[souji-upseta]

the most annoying people are the ones who just reply "no 💖" to recovery/self-improvement posts