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[southpoleelf76]

The Beginning...Again

Well I guess starting from the beginning of my new journey seems like a good place to begin.

Well I had like I said been almost 2 years out from when I started chemo for stage 3 triple negative breast cancer (tnbc). There were no visible signs of cancer after my double mastectomy surgery & my margins were clean & I had finished radiation March of 2018. So I was looking forward to a full year of picking up the pieces & trying to get my head back into my life. I was looking forward to finding my new "normal" whatever the fuck that meant.

However, in February of 2019 I felt a lump/bump under my skin. No one else was able to detect it so I gave it about a week. After a week I became concerned. I knew that I need to schedule my 3 month appointment with my oncologist anyway so I did. During that time this under the skin bump/lump made its presence known by appearing above the skin in the middle of my chest. As soon as my oncologist came back from his seminar I hurried to get in to see him. The fact that bump/lump was pretty small & looked like it might be a cyst even to the dermatologist I saw later gave me hope, but more on that later.

So in my oncologist's office he examined me. He sent me to a dermatologist for an examination & a biopsy. He would later send me for a few scans to determine stage & progression, but I'll get into that later. So off to the dermatologist I went.

The dermatologist saw me the next week did the biopsy & even said that we have to do this to be safe given my history, but it could be nothing. It might just be a cyst. He biopsied it & stitched me up & I was scheduled to come back a week later to remove the stitches & get the results. Little did I know it would just be to have the stitches removed because I would already have my answers.

Before my next appointment the dermatologist called me with the news. My heart sank knowing deep down that this couldn't be good. I hoped I was wrong. He got on the phone & he kindly & caringly let me know that the biopsy results came back positive for breast cancer. Wow. The bitch had returned & quickly in my opinion.

Back to my oncologist's office to have a more in depth discussion. My oncologist let me know it was triple negative metastatic breast cancer & explained why. It had spread to the skin. Scans he sent me for showed that it wasn't in the bones or pelvic & abdomen areas which was great news. However the chest CT gave a more grim picture. It was in the skin (we knew that) for sure, a few lymph nodes (not sure on the exact number) were enlarged, but not very much. There were small spots on my lungs too small to determine if they were cancerous or not. I tried to focus on the positives (yeah I know stage 4 & positive kind of a weird ass thing to say, but I did) that it wasn't in my blood & that it appears we may have caught it before it spread beyond the skin, just in those lymph nodes & that it is treatable. I also had to face the fact this was now no longer curable, but definitely treatable. We talked about treatments, quality of life, etc. Yep I had to face my own mortality...again, but this time it was different...because I have to face that fact daily.

Then I went home & cried, collected myself just enough to tell everyone I needed or wanted to about my diagnosis & then cried off & on for 2 weeks at home. I often kept it pretty together at work.

P

[southpoleelf76]

It's the day after a 7 mile hike that took close to 3 hours to do. I'm sore & kind of tired, but loving it. Loving the feeling of accomplishing such a long & at times a bit hard hike. The feeling of wanting to quit, but pushing myself forward & at times resting when needed. I saw what I need to do for me & for my life in that hike. It was amazing! I do feel like a different person in some ways. Still the same life, but not letting things get to me so much. There is so much beauty in this world & if you don't stop at times & take a look at it you just might miss it. Have a great day everyone! 😊 ❤ #namaste #beyourself #loveyourself #lovenature #lovehiking #lovehikingtrips #lovehikingtripswithfriends #somuchbeautyintheworld (at Ricketts Glen State Park)

[southpoleelf76]

As I often do I spent time off & on throughout the trip contemplating the meaning expressed to me in my travels today. In life there will be many obstacles & you may even want to give up. Sometimes you can't find a way around them so instead you realize you need to go through them. You realize you can rest for a bit, but that whatever happens & whatever you do just don't quit. So keep moving forward. Keep going no matter how long it takes. #somuchtolearn #naturecanteachusalot #keepholdingon #keepstayingstrong #keepmovingahead #lovehikingtrips #lovehiking #rickettsglenstatepark (at Ricketts Glen State Park)

[southpoleelf76]

Heading home from Ricketts Glen now. So many beautiful waterfalls! These are just some of the pictures from my hiking trip on Easter. More pictures to come. Right now, home, shower, food & bed are all that are on my mind. 😊❤🌲🌳🌷🌺🌻🌼🌹🌸 #rickettsglenstatepark #lovenature #lovewaterfalls #lovehiking #lovehikingtripswithfriends #lovehikingtrips #goodtimes (at Ricketts Glen State Park)

[southpoleelf76]

Found this on Pintrest for FriendMovement.com & I love it. Adam & I have the same thought & attitude on that. Fuck bullying! #fuckbullying #stopthehate #lovenothate #loveothers #loveyourself #bekindtoothers #kindnessmatters

[southpoleelf76]

Found this on Pintrest for FriendMovement.com & I love it. Adam & I have the same thought & attitude on that. Fuck bullying! #fuckbullying #stopthehate #lovenothate #loveothers #loveyourself #bekindtoothers #kindnessmatters

[southpoleelf76]

😂😂😂 Saw this, laughed & had to post it here. It's so true. #beyourself #loveyourself #iamwhoiam #gottabeme #bekindtoyourself #laughatyourself #youbeyou

[southpoleelf76]

Alright back to sending out positive, loving vibes. You are gorgeous, amazing & wonderful. We need you here. You are unique & that itself is beautiful. Sending love, hugs, prayers & positive thoughts to all. ❤💖💞🙏😊 #youarebeautiful #youareamazing #youarenotalone #youareawesome #youarewonderful #youareyou #thereisnoonelikeyou #youareunique #youareloved

[southpoleelf76]

My gut instinct is always right. It may not know be able to tell me exactly why, but I am learning to remain kind, caring, open-minded, understanding, observant & cautious when it alerts me. Anymore I'm trying to allow my mind to go 1st before my heart because if emotions are involved it makes it harder to listen to my gut when feelings are involved. I think once my gut was proven 100% right recently is when I realized it's not damaged from what happened. It is still very much intact. Unfortunately that means that it was absolutely right before now in other circumstances, but due to emotions I didn't hear it or ignored it. I'm learning that for me it's my superpower & I'm learning to listen more & not ignore it. #neverignoreyourgut #followyourgutinstinct #listentoyourintuition #yourintuitionisyourbestfriend #yourinstinctarealwaysright #yourintuitionneverlies #yourintuition #yourgutfeeling #yourintuitionisalwaysright #trustyourintuition #trustyourself

[southpoleelf76]

I've taken to following my intuition more than before. If I don’t know why it 's telling me something is off then I just proceed with cautious yet open & understanding mind. Don't lie to me, manipulate me, pretend to be someone you're not, etc. because I'll know. Admittedly if my heart is involved my mind will ignore what my intuition tells it. However, now my mind is more aware & in control more often & I'm trusting my intuition even more therefore trust me I will know. Like I've said I see more than you know & know more than I say. So don't play me for a fool because in the end I'll make you look like a joke. So keep it real or fuck off. #tiredofthelies #honestyonly #tiredofthemanipulation #tiredoffakepeople #keepitreal #keepitrealorfuckoff

[southpoleelf76]

I'm giving this Netflix show a shot. I heard it's rough & I might balling like a baby during it, but I need a good cry & a major thought-provoking distraction. Gonna press play....now. #13reasonswhy #netflix #alonetime #memyselfandItime #needagoodcry

[southpoleelf76]

Time for emotional detachment on purpose. Usually it just happens on its own, but in this case I am working on being more emotionally detached regarding certain situations & people. It doesn't mean I won't be upset at times as I work on it, but that those times won't last very long like before. It doesn't mean I don’t care, but in all actuality I do care & I still have an open-mind & am here for others. I just am choosing to remain detached emotionally (unless the situation calls for me not to be) & to proceed with caution, awareness & remembering to pay attention & listen to my intuition. Like I said it's usually automatic, but in certain instances I will have to be this way on purpose at least for a time. Too much has happened some due to me & some due to others. Recently my intuition & cautious & somewhat emotional detached approach caused me to recognize & save myself from a potentially bad situation with another person so now I know what I need to do. #beyourself #loveyourself #iamwhoiam #gottabeme #selfcare #selflove #selfdiscovery #selfacceptance #selfworth #aquarius #aquariuslife #trustyourintuition #trustissues #proceedwithcaution

[southpoleelf76]

😂😂😂 That's my dream job! #lol😂 #beyourself #loveyourself #yougottahavegoals

[southpoleelf76]

Love Clive Barker! Love his work! 😊 #clivebarker #clivebarkerquotes #lovehiswork

[southpoleelf76]

Wow! I thought after everything I had been through for so long that my intuition was off or wrong a lot. I found my answer out today & I'm happy to say it's pretty fucking accurate. It may not know exactly why the vibe is off with a situation or person, but it knows enough. So I'm going to try to remember to keep listening to my intuition like I did when I was younger. It isn't always saying "you need to walk away" sometimes it's saying "if you proceed with cautious yet open mind". Love my intuition! #trustyourintuition #listentoyourintuition #aquarius #ilovebeinganaquarius #suchanaquarius #aquariuslife #infj #infjs #infjpersonality #infjlife #infjgirl

[southpoleelf76]

Having to move back home due to circumstances beyond my control was sad to say the least. However, to have little to no privacy & to have people asking you daily for something or needing something is frustrating. It's even more frustrating after work. I have snapped at family, but they don't really understand exactly why I snap at them. I can only explain so much. I need alone time as much as possible to recharge & refocus. I prefer to spend a lot of my alone time at home just doing my own thing like I used to, but I may have to find another outlet for that. I may have to start spending time away from my current home whenever possible. #feelingdrained #exhausted #needtimealone #feelingfrustrated #needtorelax #rechargeandrefocus

[southpoleelf76]

Story of my life. Also, been on both sides of the fence with this. #beyourself #loveyourself #iamwhoiam #gottabeme #infj #infjs #infjpersonality #infjlife #infjgirl #infjproblems #thestruggleisreal #introverts #introvertproblems #introverted #introvertlife #introvert