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St. Willibrord

Church was almost a definite to me a while back. Sundays, you'll see me in churches. And I was sincerely religious. Or at least, I thought I was. Things have happened in my life and my passion for religion has faded. This is a topic for another day. It's not what I'm here to write about. Plus, I'd rather not touch the subject.

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Only Child

  One more unusual thing she has told me was that my hair was starting to get too long. And so we visited a barber to trim my hair. At the time, she told me that the hair on the back of my head were growing in a certain way where I had sort of three tails of hair. But by accident, which I find difficult to believe, the barber cut them. And she didn't want that. I find that difficult to believe. What kind of stupid unprofessional barber would commit such a ridiculous fault in terms of following directions? But, that's just what my mother told me. I don't remember it at all. I suppose, I was just too young. My father died of heart attack when I was just a year old. Or maybe a bit older than that. I don't really remember. Heck, I don't really remember anything about my father. Except for I know we both look so much alike. I'm just shorter. And my mother had to raise me on her own with the help of my grand parents. But only later on when she had to work in the capital. I remember living with other people while she worked and just come home in the evening. More details about this lifestyle, I will post on another entry someday. And she eventually had to bring me to my grand parents so she could work in Manila. And then, eventually, she went to Taiwan. She came back and months later, she was in Canada with my grand mother's sister. It seems my mother has done so much just to be able to finance my earlier years. I owe her quite a bit. Heh, I owe her my life. And my father, quite unfortunately, was not able to help her. I refuse to ask my mother about my father. For I am afraid that it will only bring back painful memories. It's not like I would love it either if people asked me about my ex. And we weren't even married nor had a kid. Imagine my mother's position. Perhaps she has moved on. But she never remarried. That says something... This entry's too long already. I'll stop for now... 

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Paintball w/ SoW and oCt Cykez [Part 1]

I woke up early after almost not being able to sleep due to my excitement. It was the day we were going to go play paintball. For the first time. I was very excited, a bit nervous and at the same time, pumped to shoot some sons of bitches. And boy... I fucking did. I got ready and tried a bit to wear something that I won't mind messing up. Because I know I'll be running around, diving, rolling and laying on the ground. It was a scenario game where two teams battle it out in a huge map. I even brought a shirt so I can use it as a ninja mask. Nothing practical really. It was all for the sake of being different from the others. Plus, they call me ninja. I wanted to wear it. I didn't though. Coz it was fucking hot! I will next time. Goddamn, I will this year. It was amazing. Quite exciting. And it was very physically demanding as well. I ran, I jumped, I climbed, I dove, rolled on the ground and crawled. You can't stick your head out. The markers aren't particularly accurate at long range, but from medium to close range, sticking your head out would get you killed. Not literally, of course. We played for hours with a lunch break around PM1 or something. I actually enjoyed lunch and I thought it was well worth the money I payed. I can't wait to go again this year. It'll be awesome. We even decided to get our own markers, we liked the game that much. I too have decided to get one, yeah. And I wanna get a TIBERIUS ARMS T9.1 RANGER FS.

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Ouroboros

My last name isn't really, 'Ouroboros'. I'm sure that's an obvious one, however. And no, I didn't get it from Resident Evil 5. I encountered the word way back before this game came out. And when I first read it, I didn't even know what it actually meant. Years passed, and I decided to look it up to find out how relevant and meaningful it was to me. And so I made up my mind right then and there to pick it up and use it as part of my name. After all, it is not a good idea to be using your real name online. The first time I saw the word was in a video game in the arcades. I believe it was from Marvel versus Capcom. It was one of Strider Hiryu's super moves.

Ouroboros was also something that I wished to have as a tattoo. There's quite a handful of illustrations and artwork involving this symbol online, but I just can't seem to find one that I fancy. And so I decided to design a rendition of it myself. A more simplistic and minimalist design, yet will have the necessary details to portray my understanding of myself and the image of the dragon eating its own tail. After gathering quite a few images to get ideas for my own version, I have come up with some aspects I'd like to include to it. But it seems laziness has once again struck me. I am yet to sit down and start drawing... Hehe. I have succeeded in a few things in life, yet shortly after, I find myself plummeting down into sorrow and the path of self-destruction. For some reason, it seems my life has been nothing but a cycle of success followed by immediate failure. To which I have been enlightened as to how I may be experiencing this. just a few months ago. The 63rd I Ching Hexagram has shown me what I've been doing wrong through all these years. And I have learned so much about myself because of it, just like how I have related to the Ouroboros symbol. I've been so thankful and gratified, I even took those lines and had them tattooed on my forearm. Just like Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe. But that is a subject I will talk about some other time. The Ouroboros, the 63rd I Ching Hexagram and how my grand father told me way back then that too much of anything is posion... I have been taught by all of these. Enlightened. And I'm glad they have crossed my path and became part of my life. 

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Wearing White

I've always preferred black over white. I thought it suited me well. But then again, black suited pretty much everyone and everything. Even way back before I was introduced to metal, I already fancied wearing black. And red. So it can't be that I have developed the habit just mainly because of my heavy metal fanaticism. I go way before that... Black and red will always be my combination. Black is for sorrow and red was for love. Both go hand in hand. But this time, I have decided to wear other colors. Well, black ain't a color. That I'm well aware of. I've decided to start wearing more... white. And yes, I know white isn't a color either.

  I actually just recently acquired a few pieces of white clothing. One of my SoW brothers even helped me find some stuff for this first set I assembled. Got them at Simons, the shoes--at RIO and the jacket, I got from Korea, by Doublju. They have awesome stuff, actually. I plan on getting more stuff from there. How weird did it feel when I actually wore all white. I felt kinda embarrassed for some reason. I was obviously not used to it and it felt like a punishment. Haha. Though, at the same time, it was great trying something new. Heh, I've cut my hair, I've taken naps and now I wore white?! I've really changed. Quite drastically too at that. I actually give a shit about how I look now. I remember a while back, I didn't give a crap if I looked like a Goddamn dirt bag. I've grown up. 

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6 Months Earlier...

Everything around me was sort of misty and blurry. And honestly speaking, up to this day, I still can't quite remember that moment in full detail. Though, these minor things don't really matter for I do remember the important parts of that event. I remember it clearly... I remember it like it just happened yesterday. I stood there, in tears. Without a word, without any idea what to do. It was silent... peaceful. Quite a calming atmosphere, really. But regardless of how much I've felt so empty and hollow, at the same time, I was almost driven insane by some sort of inner storm made of... made of shadows. Stirred and in conflict, I stood there watching. And behind me was a house--a really nice house. It was almost like the kind of house we dreamed of having someday. It wasn't my kinda thing, but she wished for it and I agreed. Because I... love(d) her. In front of me where two dogs. One white and the other black. They both had red collars. And they played around, having quite some fun. It was quite a sight to see. Just remembering it now kinda makes me slightly... happy. It used to, at least. Now it's just plain and downright bitter sweet. Beside me, on my right, there was a little girl. She held my hand, and I held hers. And in her other hand, she held a small teddy bear. It was ms. D. Heh, she named all the stuffed animals I've gotten for her. Ms. D... 'D' for Dream. I remember that very moment I gave her that thing. She lit up like a beautiful Goddess that just woke up.

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Good Heart

I was once told that I supposedly possessed a 'good heart'. Never did I ever consider myself to be somewhat of a saint. No one is innocent and I have done a fair share of terrible things in my life. But I do have a good conscience and I'd like to think and believe that I do tend to be kind and respectful. Maybe she was right, maybe she was totally wrong. One night, when I was on my way home after work, I passed by the parking lot beside the building where I live. Nothing new there, just another night of going through this really dark area of Montreal. It was getting colder. No snow yet, but a coat or a jacket was already a necessity. I wore my usual black half military style coat that I got from Urban Behavior. While I was walking, just a few meters away from the building entrance, I saw these cats wandering and hanging out by the parking lot. I didn't know where they lived and if they were stray cats or not. All I know is it's friggin' cold and these cats are here outside the building with no shelter nor food. Nor water.

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Beautiful Clouds

I woke up to a very dim airplane cabin. The passengers have all closed their windows. I have too. It was funny how tiring it could get to travel, yet I don't really do anything but sit there. Sitting for extended period of time sure could get terribly tiring. I didn't have any issues with the dark. In fact, sometimes I enjoy being in the dark. Quite relaxing. But of course, having light to help you see everything is always better.

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Ninja

Relatives and loved ones call me, Aron. Friends and acquaintances call me, [Info Deleted]. Enemies call me, Storm Shadow. And my brothers, call me... Ninja.

It was one fine evening, at a sushi place in Montreal. The clan I have recently become a part of has taken me under their wings with a warm welcome and respect. Respect and kindness that I intend to repay in the same manner and even more. They took me in at a time when I was in my darkest hours and my mind stirred from recent events that took place in my life. It haunted my nights and it burned me inside during the day. It still does, but not so much anymore. I'd like to believe that.  I intend to discuss how it all came to be. How I became a part of something I've always wanted to have. A sort of established brotherhood. A group where I could belong. A group where I could contribute in away I'm efficient at. But this entry isn't about that event. This is about how I shed the name Seairon and became 'NiNja' instead.

For his impressive aim and accuracy, BALTO was named 'Aimbot'. For his recon and sniping prowess, Lan got the name, 'Scout'. For his mischievous utilization of the under-barrel grenade launchers and RPGs, Lucky became 'PyroTech'. For his ability to call out and provide information, Evo was dubbed, 'InTeL'. Dennis called himself 'Rogue'. No questions asked. Very appropriate for the name. And I shed the name Seairon to be referred to as, 'NiNja'. 

  Essentially, the names chosen were based on our play style or perks in the game. At the time, I have shown a great deal of feats involving listening to footsteps and performing maneuvers that partially portrayed a shinobi. And so the name was appropriate in a way. And I have come to embrace that identity. An identity not only originated from my involvement in this clan, but as a way for me to have a reason to wear a mask and hide my face not just from the people, but mainly from myself as well. The character symbolizes more than just my role in the brotherhood. This name means so much more than just a call-sign to use each time we gathered and facilitated online domination. What it means to me is beyond a gaming persona. It's also about a new beginning. A chapter in my life where I start anew and attempt to forget the past and move towards the future. For the future will never come if I was constantly reminded of the past. And my face shows so much of my past. The mask is a shield. It sounds all so serious and deep. But perhaps it's more simple than I'm making it out to be. But the truth of the matter still implies: Aron Ouroboros/Seairon is dead... My name is, 'NiNja/Storm Shadow'. 

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Mirai

  If ever a girl never really comes and crosses my life, it's still fine. Hopefully, people won't start thinking I've turned homosexual. I definitely am not. I just, I guess, would very much rather not go through pain again. I've worked so hard to help myself rise from where I've been before. I don't know if I'd be more than willing to compromise this newly found state I have attained. But, I would like to have a kid. Yeah, I said it. I've always wanted to have a sister, or a brother. But I just didn't have any. I grew up alone and it was okay. I suppose, I just want to be able to pass on the things I've learned in life and the values I was taught to respect, to someone who could carry it on for the next generation. When all is gone, all a man has left are his principles and values in life. And his balls... hopefully. It means, I am strongly considering adoption. But only if I am financially capable. I would not even think of raising a child if I am not even able to take care of myself. This is for a later time in my life. And is only an idea. Nothing solid and established yet. But it is indeed something I think about all the time. I wanna see the world. Seaira has shown me how vast the world really is. And she has taught me that there are great things outside the box I lived in. And I have seen the beauty of this planet from above. I would like to travel and see more of this world we live in. Not everyone gets a chance to do so, and it's quite a shame. I'm not rich to travel every month. But I wanna do my best so I can go somewhere every year or at least every two years. I've been to Florida and Arizona. I've been in Ottawa and Quebec as well. I wanna hit either Autralia or if I'm feeling cheap and lazy, New York. I wanna go to these places I have never been to before.

  This entry's been quite lengthy already. I'll stop for now. I have some studying to do. Whoever's reading this, thank you. 

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PenduluS

We prepared 3 songs: Possessed, Children of the Night and Onslaught. Back then, I didn't realize the songs were too long and they could've used a bit or editing and rearrangement. But it still turned out to be quite a fun show and the people were chanting our band name by the end of the set. The place was L'Alizé. James and Dan were drinking, waiting for our turn to take the stage. And I was just there sitting with my guitar: an ESP(LTD) EX-400BD. It is now currently discontinued and is replaced by a Wayne Static signature guitar. At least, the last time I checked it was the case. Not entirely sure now as of the date I'm writing this. James was being himself as usual. This cool dude that dressed just like your regular chill metal head guy. I was the same. But Dan for some reason fancied the theatrics of having the opportunity to represent his favorite sub-genre of metal. He wore corpse paint and wanted to look like he's from a black metal band. Which we weren't at all. James and I didn't really approve of it, but we weren't gonna stop him from doing what he wants. After all, we want us to do what we want.

  The only constant thing in this world is change. And we are all victims of changes. Never will I forget the fun times I've had playing with such kind people. Some of the coolest people I've met. But things aren't the same and we all find paths in our lives after we learn what we need to do. And for all the bad times, I won't even bother thinking about them. 

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Entity

  (Photo doesn't really look much like it. But I thought it would be cool to put this here.)

I quickly turned and again hurriedly look back to see if it was still there. But it was gone. Not exactly certain if I really saw something. Maybe it was just my imagination. But I can clearly remember what I saw. Or at least, what I think I saw. I've theorized that maybe that's a 'dwende' or based on what my mom has told me about demons, I'd probably classify it as a type of demon too. I don't know. But just typing the story like this makes the hair on my arms stand up. 

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Love and Inspiration

  She told me it meant 'love and inspiration'. And truth be fucking told, I've always thought it was appropriate. I've always valued love more than anything. It's the only thing I really want from this life. Now, I'm not even sure anymore. People would ask me what my pendant meant. And I'd tell them the same thing. Love and inspiration. Ironically, they're both things I don't even possess any longer. If I could only go back to that time. Well, I wouldn't. Because it was too perfect of a moment. I wouldn't want to change a thing. 

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Angry Bird

I stood there chatting with my friend on their balcony. We just got to their apartment after school and we were deciding what to do while we make food to eat. It was a dim afternoon and quite a bit rainy. Small raindrops fell from the sad skies above. It was my kind of weather, actually. I've always loved the rain. It never fails to keep me relaxed, and feeling relaxed is always good... But rain wasn't the only thing that fell on me that afternoon. All of a sudden, something a little bit heavier than a rain drop fell on my right shoulder, close to my collar bone. My initial reaction was I looked at my friend. And I just saw him staring at my collar bone with a smirk on his freakin' face. I looked at my shirt and realized I just got pooped on by a friggin' bird. I've never been pooped on by an animal before. Sure, I've stepped on carabao and maybe cow manure. But to actually get hit by shit? Nope. I'll never forget that afternoon. Up to this day I still recall how warm the friggin' bird poopie was.

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8GB Black Capsule

It's very important that I entrust this item to someone I could, well, trust. The last person I told about this memory card, didn't even know what it was after I told him again about it months ago. Too bad. I thought I could trust him with something this important to me. But I suppose if someone just doesn't give a crap, they don't really give a crap and I can't blame them for it. It's totally understandable. Perhaps I'd consult one of my brothers this time around. I know one of us that I could really trust to remember and execute the task once the time for it has come. I will have to find the strength to open it up and prepare the contents of this black capsule. I don't know when I will need it sent to her. I do hope that I get to send it myself, as promised... But for the meantime, I don't think I will be able to open this again and work on what's inside.

What's inside? The files inside this black capsule will have to be the most prized possessions I have in my life. So far. To put it simply, all my things could burn (knock on wood) for all I care. But this one item I will protect with my life. It has photos, videos, texts and diary entries I promised to show her when our ultimate ending comes. May it be a good ending or a bad one. Unfortunately, we didn't get the good one... It's quite a shame. And it hurts quite a bit. For some reason, I can't help but worry about it. I'm afraid that if I suddenly pass away and I don't tell anyone about this memory card, I won't be able to rest in peace or something... I must find someone to entrust this item to before I lose the chance to do so. 

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B.K.

I've always admired her for her beauty, attitude and personality. She's a very vibrant and attractive woman. Her smile alone could take away your fatigue and sadness. And her eyes essentially show you that this world ain't such a terrible place to be. It's almost as if when she looks at you and you look at her, you instantly know that nothing else fucking matters but that moment right there. She smiles a lot and is very polite. That's very rare nowadays. And she respects people. A lot of people nowadays are very rude. And I'm glad for her sake that she isn't one of them. I see her almost every Sunday. Except for those times when I can't get to work for ridiculous reasons I refuse to disclose in this public diary. Haha. It seems I have a really good reason to buy coffee at Cafe Depot.

  She's quite a sight to see. Too bad she's way over my league. And too bad I cannot afford to have any attachments. I feel like I have learned my lesson. A part of me says no more to relationships. But a part of me at the same time reminds me of what I have always wanted for in my life. And it's love. But I can't help thinking that I am doing myself a favor. I intend to focus on myself and avoid relationships. Perhaps it's not something for me despite my efforts to be the best guy for someone. Maybe I am bound to be alone. Perhaps that's my destiny. Heh, I don't even believe in destiny. but, whatever. The sad thing is, I can't even look at her for too long. I am that afraid of affection. I joke around about girls and beautiful women to friends. But in reality, I fear the thought of falling in love. Or maybe I just don't want to anymore. I don't know. But one thing is for sure, I am not gay. I love women. I just can't afford to fall in love with them. I guess there's a difference. I wish her all the best. And I hope that she finds someone that deserves her. Someone that won't hurt her in any way. She deserves the best. And unfortunately, I don't think I'm that guy. Quite a shame. 

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Too Much of Anything is Poison

'Too much of anything is poison'. These words echoed in my mind and stayed there. This has got to be the line that I remember my grand father for. I don't even quite remember why he told me that. And I didn't even exactly fully understand what he meant when he said those words. But now, I'd like to believe that I do. And it does make a lot of sense to me now. We are a very strong race. But at the same time, fragile and very prone to making terrible decisions. We can be on the good path and find ourselves plummeting down a spiral towards self-destruction next. And I think my grand father's words fully demonstrate and prove this fact. And it applies to virtually everything in life. May it be friendships, love, passion or hate. A lot of times, we get carried away. Things that make us happy or upset, cloud our judgement. I'm not saying it's stupid, I'm just saying that it is indeed difficult to realize. I too have a few offenses and is guilty of losing sight and just giving things my everything not realizing that I may have completely gone all out and made something or someone my whole life. Sometimes, you gotta be a tiny bit selfish. And sometimes, you need to know where the limit is. But of course, when you are very passionate about something, as naturally emotional creatures, we tend to end up quite oblivious to it. And it's more than just normal. Some people are consumed by materialism. Some by love and some by their careers in life. I am yet to see a real free spirit. But I think with today's time and age, we understand that importance and our dependency on being successful in life, financially speaking. After all, money is everything now. And those who say otherwise are just being superficial. I know this. I was once someone who believed love and compassion is what we all need. But I was wrong. Of course, money can't buy happiness. But without money, you'd end up in a dump, I don't think you'd be happy either. We just need to find the right amount of balance in our lives. I have chosen to live a minimalist lifestyle. But that's a subject for another entry.