spacexchaos - Tumblr blog

[spacexchaos]

bruh this is so good 😭😭😭💙💙💙

pov: aliens speak in a way that is impossible for humans to mimic with our own voices and mouth shapes so we’re just improvising

human 1: this is my alien friend, Steve

human 2: Steve..? sorry it’s just i didn’t think extraterrestrials would have such.. human names

steve: oh, steve is simply what my human companion here calls me

human 2: oh? what’s your actual name?

steve: *alien noises that are incomprehensible to human beings*

human 2: …yeah alright, we’ll go with steve

[spacexchaos]

“As long as we don’t die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.”

I think this quote describes the reckless behavior of humanity, the way some of us fully recognize and accept that we’re gonna die someday so we think we might as well have some fun.

Like aliens may have much longer lifespans and aren’t as concerned at the idea of death or they don’t want to die young so they actively seek for the safest way to do things.

Humans know we don’t have very long lifespans, sure, many people may want to live as long as possible, but seeing as how there are also just as many people who live by “YOLO” aliens may be a tad concerned.

Plus any human who actively launches themself into space or joins an alien crew probably isn’t too concerned about living a long

[spacexchaos]

alien crewman: captain, aren’t we going to go to earth and introduce ourselves to humanity?

alien captain, staring at earth through a pair of binoculars: nooo.. i think they have enough going on..

[spacexchaos]

pov: aliens speak in a way that is impossible for humans to mimic with our own voices and mouth shapes so we’re just improvising

human 1: this is my alien friend, Steve

human 2: Steve..? sorry it’s just i didn’t think extraterrestrials would have such.. human names

steve: oh, steve is simply what my human companion here calls me

human 2: oh? what’s your actual name?

steve: *alien noises that are incomprehensible to human beings*

human 2: …yeah alright, we’ll go with steve

[spacexchaos]

Evolution? We don't need no Evolution!

Wherever Aliens gather to sit down, do the equivalent of a 1km stare and drink things that make you feel like being gently smacked with a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick, eventually the topic of Humans will come up.

"They're semi aquatic." one says. "I swear. We were on a beach and we had this human - You know, to carry stuff and do Human related Things. And they just went 'oh what a lovely day' and then they ... ran into the sea."

They pause and take a long drink.

"No exo suit. Just splash splash splash, and then they fell under the water."

The others nod or quiver in agreement. "Don't tell me" the Tsin says, their scales painted with that human Nail Polish. The shade called Pining of You looked especially good. "They ran back out holding something horrible and toothy, and immediately adopted it."

The first alien snorts. "No. Sort of. We thought they'd fallen into a sink hole. We had no idea! They were swimming! Like a Tsuga! Just looking at everything underwater and then popping up and going back down... you know... they jsut. They just stop breathing? Because breathing might be inconvenient so they... stop." they say.

Everyone pauses to think about this.

"I mean... how does that even work?" one slender, feathery being asks. "But they're not aquatic. You know how I know? Because I've seen them fly."

Another pause.

"Bullshit." someone says. "They don't have wings."

"No no... but they can make them. AND and and... I don't mean like ships. No! they make them out of fabric and sticks."

The Tsin looks into her drink and then sideways at the make who's been staring at her scales for the last ten minutes. He puffs up a little. "Mm. What as an art project?" she says.

The feathery being declines this supposition and responds, "No. They built them then they go up somewhere nice and high and they pick them up and take a big run - You ever see one running? Terrifying. And they... jsut..." the feathery being makes a sweeping gesture.

"Up into the sky. For hours. Then they come down and slide to a stop and put everything away and... How do you do that? How do you fly and then decide, oh I'll just go on with being a normal terrestrial animal, ho hum, nothing special."

The Tsin coyly blows a bubble at the preening male and shrugs.

"Mmmmy theory is they're bad at evolution." she says. "So they gave up and now they just turn into whatever they need to be for as long as they need it."

There's a certain amount of consideration at this and the Tsin puts her drink down and wiggles her fingers to everyone and leaves to investigate that tasty little male with the gorgeous blue markings.

The tall and frondy being quivers and splays it's fronds. "That's a horrible thought. Imagine if they decided to become plants?!"

"Ah well" says a very drunk Waallondernook, "Funny you should mention that..."

[spacexchaos]

Human Frank and K'laxi Siervt are sitting together in the common area of the Starbase, just chatting.

"Frank, the Humans have been in space a long time right?"

"That's what they tell us in school."

"So that means you've probably tried just about every method of propulsion in space, yeah?"

"Actually, yes! This was one of my favorite topics as a kid. I must have absorbed everything I could find about it."

"Okay then, tell me about some of you're most wild engines."

"What? Why?"

"To settle a bet." Siervt takes a sip of his chamomile tea.

"Hmm. Okay, how about the Nuclear Salt Water Rocket?"

Siervt almost chokes on his tea. "The what?"

"Oh yeah, it's a great one! Take nuclear fuel, dissolve it in a lot of water, and then concentrate it to just under criticality - the point where fission takes place - and then squirt it into a chamber where it can be concentrated - bam, fission and shoot that now superheated steam and heat from the reaction out the back, making thrust."

Unconsciously, he leans back "But, that's just sounds like a nuclear bomb that-"

"That's going off all the time out the back yeah. Worked really well. Only a few blew up, but when they did, hoo boy. You could see it practically everywhere!"

"Wow. Um, okay. That was a bit more intense than I figured. Do you have another one that's less..." He thought for a moment. "Insane?"

"Hmmmmmm Oh! Here's one! It's so old that it predates us leaving Earth entirely. An Orion Engine."

"That doesn't sound so-"

"It's easy, you just make hundreds and hundreds of small nuclear bombs, shoot them out the back one at a time, detonate them and ride the pressure wave forward and repeat!"

His jaw drops. "No. You're lying. You're just making that up"

"I'm not! Look!" Frank takes a moment to search on his pad, and brings up an archive video to show Siervt.

Stunned to silence, Siervt gets up from the table, his tea ignored. He looks at Frank with worry in his eyes and walks away.

****

Siervt walks over to his friend Pennimen working in Traffic Control and silently hands him some currency. Pennimen looks up from his console and stares at Siervt.

Siervt shakes his head. "You were right. They solve every problem with explosions."

"Told you."

[spacexchaos]

thought i’d post this drawing here cuz it’s alien related 👽🤪💚

[spacexchaos]

Alien: human… why do you have a small predator in your home?

Human: predator?? Oh you mean Mr. Fluffy Buns? that’s my pet cat!

Alien: your pet?? you willingly keep this predator?

Human: oh he’s just a baby! Look at my baby!

Mr. Fluffy Buns: meow 👁️👁️

Alien: *sweating*

[spacexchaos]

Imagine if humans are the only one that use social media, like aliens communicate through technology but nothing like social platforms.

You come to Earth and one of your human companions introduce you to TikTok, a very popular platform that allows millions of people from all around the globe to connect with one another.

Now imagine you post a video, you say something like “Hello Earthlings, I am interested in learning more about your planet” and post it.

Your vid goes viral millions of views and thousands of comments.. but not for what you were expecting. You thought the humans would be excited over meeting an extraterrestrial…

Rather, all of the humans are commenting, “this is such amazing graphics” “tutorial?” “how did you make the alien so realistic?”

So you post another video, you try to clarify that you are not a human and you are in fact an alien…

Now you have millions of followers and are known as the “guy on tiktok with the cool alien videos”…

Your human friend finds this fucking hilarious

[spacexchaos]

Siervt runs up to one of the humans in his weekend card game.

"James! You have to help me!"

"Of course Siervt, what is it?"

"Pennimen has won more than 50 credits from me, because he bet me that I can't find a problem that humans don't solve with explosions!"

"Okay, okay, we can think of something." As they're thinking, Kerry walks by. "Kerry! Give me a problem that we don't solve with an explosion."

"Uh, fire." Kerry offers.

Siervt shakes his head sadly. "No, you've used explosions to blast oxidizer away from a fire, putting it out."

"Woah, neat! Hmm. cooking?"

"There's a ancestors cursed grain that explodes when you cook it!"

"Oh popcorn, right." James thinks some more.

"Oh! I've got one. Negotiation! Kerry says smugly.

Siervt gives her a look. "Pennimen says intimidating the other side with an explosive based show of force counts."

"Damn! I thought I had it there. Okay okay...." Kerry keeps thinking.

James casts his head around the room, looking. "What about welding?"

"Welding?"

"Yeah, that's done with heat and electricity, but not explosions."

"I'm sorry James, I couldn't help overhearing." The starbase cuts in "But humans have welded with explosions. It's a known method in welding two dissimilar metals in extreme environments."

"Woah, really? That's so cool!"

"James, focus." Siervt says. "We're looking for non explosive solutions."

"What about medical issues?" Kerry says. "There can't be a lot of call for explosions there."

"Hmm, now we might be onto something." James agrees. "What do you think Starbase?"

"Searching."

A moment goes by and Siervt allows himself a moment's hope that he has finally found a solution that doesn't involve explosions.

"Results found. Siervt, the humans use Nitroglycerin - an explosive - to treat heart disease."

"THEY DO WHAT?"

"It helps prevent chest pains as a result of heart disease according to my records."

"ARRRRGH." Siervt seethes. "I don't know what's worse! That you have an exploding solution to every problem or that you both think they're all really neat! I'll never win my credits back."

"I can't help it Siervt, explosions are cool." James says

Kerry agrees. "It's probably why it's used as a solution so often."

[spacexchaos]

Alien: human?

Human: ya?

Alien: why are you blowing on your food AFTER putting it in your mouth?

Human: oh, I’m eating pizza rolls, but they’re too hot.

Alien: why would you eat something that is too hot when you could just wait for it to cool??

Human: I’m hungry

Alien: Yes, but-

Human: [already shoving more pizza rolls into their mouth]

Alien: ????

[spacexchaos]

Human: we have pack bonded!

Alien: we’ve known each other for a week?

Human: pack bond :)

Alien: I mean I suppose, I’m glad we have become-

Human: if you ever need me to kill someone for you, just give me a call ;)

Alien: I.. Pardon?!