sparkywrites25 - Tumblr blog

sparkywrites25 · 7 months ago

Text

Perspective

Summary: You're struggling in the aftermath of a mission. Amid the beauty of autumn, Levi finds you.

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Reader

Inspiration: Credit goes to @creativepromptsforwriting for some of the prompts that I used. Here is the post.

TW: descriptions of death and violence as well as symptoms and mentions of anxiety/PTSD especially flashbacks and panic attacks.

Taglist: @youre-ackermine @galactic3a @notgoodforlife @ladycheesington

Notes: If you like my work and want to see more then please join my taglist. Form is pinned on my blog.

Your footsteps crunch satisfyingly against the browning leaves beneath your boots. You enjoy the harsh, crisp sound as you march across the grounds to the thick woodland surrounding the base. Under the stunning rays of sunset, the forest shines in various shades of golden-brown, green and red. The leaves that drop to the ground are beautiful in their variety before they land with their comrades and disappear into the autumnal mulch of the earth, turning to bits under your weight.

Huffing quietly, you lower your head and continue onward, a scowl twisting its way across your features. Away from the prying eyes of your comrades and commanders alike, you allow your feelings to fully settle over you. Your first ball into fists so tight that your nails scratch deeply at your palms and your shoulders are so squared that they ache already.

Each puff of air is sucked in and inhaled quickly, each one shallower than the one before. You let your stride increase, your anger pouring off you in waves as you retreat deeper and deeper into the forest. The colourful, bright ways of sunset begin to disappear behind the thickening shade of the trees.

The scent of apples hits you immediately and your stomach surges in immediate, nostalgic delight. In those brief seconds, you are back home watching your mother serve up the family treat of apple pie, the apples produced from the family orchard. Or you’re running through the orchard with your friends, ducking behind trees and lying down flat behind brushes and bramble. Or you’re strolling under the trees with a basket, plucking down the ripest-looking apples and adding them to your basket, beaming with pride at the growing pile there and then comparing the collection to the ones sitting in your siblings’ baskets.

Back before you killed anyone.

The thought brings you a stop and for a moment you can’t breathe as the images hit you again: comrades swallowed up in horrific, gaping mouths, riders racing towards their endangered comrades only for a surprise grab to pluck them out of their intentions and their lives, and the remains of bodies and blood streaming the plains around the titans.

You reach out a hand to the nearest tree to steady yourself as the stench of iron and death overtakes you at once. You gag under it and bring your fist to your mouth at once.

You’re a useless captain. You should have just taken the loss and focused on the mission. You should have protected your squad. Maybe you wouldn’t have lost half of them.

It was so simple at the time; the possibility of saving the new recruits and minimizing casualties. It was a sick twist of fate that your decision had resulted in more casualties.

You lean against the tree and slide down it until you have slumped onto the ground. You stretch out your legs and you feel your anger draining out of you as your intrusive thoughts take hold. Anxiety swirls like a maelstrom, filling up your body with a dizzying, queasy feeling of regret. The faces of your team, the ones who will never come home again, drift in front of your face, like their ghosts are taunting you.

Why shouldn’t they?

You let out a shuddering breath, a strange, strangled sound escaping you when you think of Commander Erwin’s announcement this morning. The next mission would be delayed. There was talk of that being the last one before expeditions halted for the winter. You smile mirthlessly. Once upon a time, that would have irritated you. You would have been chomping at the bit to get out there again.

Now titans are chomping on your team.

You pass a hand over your face, closing your eyes as that weight falls over you again, the heaviness of responsibility, of the consequences of your decision. The same burden of dread and hindsight that hovers over you at night, sapping sleep away from you before it can land.

Your breathing is coming out in shallow, quicker pants. You stretch out your hands either side, feeling for the earth around you. Your left hand closes around the nearest object - something smooth and lukewarm. You turn your head to look at the smooth, round object in your fingers. Your see a chestnut, free of its spiky case, sitting in the lowest dip of your hand. You clutch onto it instinctively, hanging onto it steady firmness as you breathe deep.

On your other side, your fingers meet with the familiar shape of acorns. You trace the shapes of them with your fingers. The motion helps with the increasing struggle to breathe. You can feel some of the nervous energy disappearing into the movement and you gasp for breath, trying to take in more air.

You’re so weak. You’re pathetic.

How you ended up in this position, you suddenly can’t remember? Why did the higher ups think that they could trust you? What made them think that they could trust you? They made a mistake. That much is very clear. You can’t even breathe properly.

You hold onto the acorns and the chestnut, focusing on the grip and trying to breathe as slowly and deeply as you can. Unfortunately this isn’t the first time you’ve felt like this. You just have to wait. You keep your fingers moving over the acorns and then move your fingers over the chestnut as well. You feel some of the anxiety beginning to ebb away little by little.

“Planning on camping here all night?” Captain Levi questions as he steps out from behind some trees to your left. You jerk at the arrival, cursing yourself for not spotting him.

Too busy panicking about nothing, huh?

You swallow and look away from him, trying not to focus on how put-together he still looks after a day of training and official duties. Not even a hair looks out of place.

“It’s not a crime to seek out some peace and fucking quiet,” you snap at him between gritted teeth, your fingers still trying to work off the worst of your feelings.

The famous captain slowly strides over to stand in front of you, frowning at you as if he can’t believe that you’re actually sitting in the dirt. In fact, that’s probably exactly what he thinks, you muse.

“You shouldn’t be on your own when this happens,” he reminds you.

“I don’t exactly get advance warning,” you bite back.

“You’ve been stressed to hell all day.”

“So? I’m often stressed. I’m used to it.” You exhale, feeling your breathing beginning to steady at last. Your eyes flutter closed with the rising relief of the feeling of air actually settling in your lungs properly.

“Hange told you to go and see them if you were this stressed.”

“Yeah because running to my superior officer every time I get pissy is a real good look.”

Levi crouches down, his kneecaps inches from the ground and his eyes, as grey-blue as pale slate, meet yours intensely. “Everyone needs to take a breather. That includes you.”

“Why should I when I don’t deserve it?” you question, your brows furrowing.

He’s silent for a moment, still staring into your eyes. He looks like he’s reading you. “You made a tough call. You did what you could. Sometimes it goes to shit. That’s not on you.”

“They would be alive because of me,” you whisper.

“Not necessarily. If we’d advanced further, we could have run into another titan horde and lost even more lives.” Levi frowns at you. “You can’t know what would have happened. We’ll never know that shit. Once we make a choice, anything else is gone forever. All you can do is choose what you’ll regret the least.” Levi’s words are calm but firm at the same time.

You lower your gaze to the leaves between your legs. You can feel yourself steadying now that your breathing is returning to normal. You think about your options back then on the mission. Would you have regretted leaving the recruits to it? Would you be haunted by that instead of this? Was it always going to end with you sat in the woods having a panic attack?

You sit there silently, mulling over your thoughts. Levi remains crouched but he stops staring at you, gazing around the forest instead. It takes you a few minutes to realize that he’s keeping an eye out for trouble while you recuperate. You feel a swell of gratitude and something deeper at the thought.

Eventually you clear your throat and your fingers release the acorns and the chestnut. You start to pick yourself but suddenly Levi’s hands clasp around your elbows and he hauls you to your feet.

You’re unsettled by his strength and so when you are upright, your feet stumble, unprepared for the sudden weight again. You topple into Levi who catches you against his chest. Your face is instantly nose to nose with his and your heartbeat begins to quicken for an entirely different reason.

He’s staring at you for a moment, his mouth ever so slightly open as his eyes dart down to your lips for a moment. His arms move around you, holding you to him.

You don’t want to move. You want to stay there, wrapped up in his arms. You want to stay in this little bubble, out here in the trees away from titans and tragedy.

Levi leans in a little, like he’s going to touch his lips to yours. Like he’s done so many times before already, in the darkness and in the privacy of his office or yours. Part of you wants him to, to linger here together a little longer.

But your breathing is quickening again and Levi pulls himself out of the daze that holds you both. His arms around you shift so that his hands hold your elbows again.

“Come on,” is all he says and you nod, getting your bearings and stepping back from the hold. Once he’s sure that you’re steady, he lets go and you feel the absence of his touch.

Soon you’re walking through the woods again but this time, the rage and fear has calmed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An hour later, you are settled in one of the chairs beside Levi’s fireplace, a large mug of pumpkin spice tea in your hands and the comforting presence of your little black furball, Sooti, in your lap.

The dark little kitten snoozes happily against your stomach and you lower one hand to brush against her soft fur. The motion eases away some more of the earlier anxiety.

You smile towards Levi who is working quietly at his desk behind several stacks of paperwork. His jacket and cravat have been put away and the top buttons of his shirt are undone. At last, a few strands of his hair are falling into his eyes.

You say nothing to interrupt him, just reflecting on how lucky you are to have him, and all of the good things in your life. You’re grateful to be able to see that clearly again.

After taking a sip of your tea, you turn to gaze into the firelight, feeling your body relaxing once again. The crackling of the fire and Sooti’s purring fill the air, and your heart with peace.

#my fics #fic: season of changing #attack on titan #attack on titan fanfiction #one shot #levi ackerman #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x reader fanfiction #tw: panic attack #tw: ptsd #tw: anxiety #tw: death mentions

64 notes · View notes

sparkywrites25 · 1 year ago

Note

Rivetra au where in they are together and Erwin is like “secretly” Petra’s older bro (maybe like from different mother idk) and Levi doesn’t know but Erwin knows about them

Summary: Petra Ral is holding onto more than one secret in the Scouts.

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Petra Ral

Taglist: @youre-ackermine @lunar-rainclouds @captain-natey @love4-bunny @galactict3a

Notes: If you like my work and want to see more then please join my taglist. Form is pinned on my blog.

I restarted this a lot cos I had a lot of different ideas.

Petra jerked awake at once, her body snapping into an upright position, her head flying from its comfortable nest on her lover’s shoulder. Her large, amber eyes swept the room with the same speed and dexterity as if she were searching for titan presence on the battlefield. For those seconds, her heart thrashed in her chest and each of her breasts was pushed out of her in uneasy pants. She blinked, slowly taking in her surroundings as a strong, firm hand began to rub circles into her back.

“Easy,” Levi’s voice was low and steady, soothing against the racing rhythm of her heartbeat and breaths right now. “You’re fine. It was just a nightmare.”

It was a nightmare, Petra recalled although the recollection was quickly slipping out of her mind like water down a drain pipe. She got glimpses of bloodied bodies and torn off patches of uniform. A beautiful countryside littered with blood and fallen comrades. It wasn’t just a nightmare though. It was memory. The recent expedition to be exact.

“Breathe,” the captain spoke again, equally low and unobtrusive to her heightened state of anxiety right now. Petra followed his instruction immediately. She inhaled long and deep, letting the oxygen flood into her lungs. She held the air for a moment, willing it to go to her brain and clear the fear that was sat in her mind. She exhaled after a moment and felt some of the tension in her shoulders begin to subside as well.

Another breath and the feeling continued to ease off more and more. As it did, she became more aware of herself and where she was.

She and Levi were sat on his little sofa facing the fireplace. The warmth from the flames was welcome against the slight chill that was coming from the slightly rattling window that never seemed to quite shut fully, thus allowing some of the waging wind to slip inside. She leaned towards the warmth, enjoying the feeling of her lover’s hand rubbing her back.

Petra ran a hand over her face and sighed once she’d taken a few more deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just doze off.”

“Don’t apologize for resting,” Levi chided her, giving her a knowing side-eye that immediately inspired some guilt to bloom in her chest. She was reminded of his own sleeping issues. How nice it must seem to him that she could just fall asleep like that. “You need to listen to your body so that you can recover.”

Petra arched her back as she stretched up then regretted it instantly. Her face contorted into a grimace as aches and pains from earlier came rushing back into her limbs. She half-grumbled a curse word as the discomfort flowed through her. “I’m fine,” she liked automatically.

“Tch,” Levi shook his head. “You expect me to believe that feeble bullshit?” he asked. His hand pressed firmer into her back, working at the lower muscles where her ODM gear had been most heavily placed. Petra bit back a grateful moan at the wonderful sensation of his touch there. “Go and take a hot bath. Use my place,” he told her with a jerk of his head towards his bedroom and the small private bathroom beyond it. “Hot water will do you some good.”

It was out of habit and duty that Petra even hesitated about such a generous and enticing offer. She bit her lip thoughtfully and could practically hear Levi’s eye roll in her direction.

“Petra,” he spoke softly although not many would recognize it as so given the similarity to his usual brusque tone. “Go and get some clean clothes and come back here. I’ll have the bath waiting for you. You need this. Otherwise, your muscles will just thank you by cramping or seizing up tomorrow. I doubt you want to spend another day off being in pain.”

Petra was grateful for the matter-of-fact manner in which Levi spoke. It helped to reawaken her own common sense and push back at the pride that wanted to resist special treatment. Doing so had kind of gone out of the window at this point anyway, ever since she and the captain had begun their secret relationship: late nights sharing tea and helping him with his paperwork, the occasional sleepover in his room, and some “coincidental” patrol times shared as well as shared duties. It wasn’t always easy having this secret relationship but Levi’s ability to treat Petra the same as he always had helped her to keep up the act too. Plus, they’d both agreed that being the subject of gossip and teasing and accusations of favouritism just wasn’t the sort of hassle they wanted to deal with at the present moment. Maybe one day they would but for now it suited them to keep quiet.

It was rather exciting to sneak around, as well, Petra thought to herself as she finally agreed and left Levi’s office behind to fetch some clean clothes from her room.

On her return, she followed the light steam through to Levi’s small personal bathroom. Levi knelt next to the bathtub, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows as he swirled the water about and kept hold of the tap. The water was already over halfway filling up the tub as Petra stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. She eyed the lean muscles visible along his arms. A light blush touched her cheeks as memories of those arms holding her close began to slip into her mind. Those strong limbs pressing her into an equally strong and beautifully bare chest while soft lips pushed against hers, making her whole body heat up with intense sparkling energy.

“Are you planning on taking a dip fully clothed?” Her lover’s question cut through her increasingly lustful thoughts and the blush in her cheeks deepened as she returned her attention to Levi who had turned the taps off and was rising to his feet. “That doesn’t really count as washing your clothes, you know.”

“Funny,” Petra smiled, trying not to imagine the clothes coming off his body and yet her mind was already wandering there, to the many nights they’d spent in his bed, kissing and letting their hands feel the way to the spots that gave them both the most intense pleasure. To the feel of him moving over her, inside her and behind her, his lips warming her skin with his touch. The power of his body, so vicious against titans but so careful and restrained with her. Her heartbeat fluttered the more she thought about it.

“Maybe you could do the honours,” Petra’s lips quirked.

“I’m not sure there are many honours in stripping you off and then stepping aside,” Levi retorted although he released the tiniest huff of amusement.

“Who said anything about you stepping aside?” Petra questioned, stepping closer to him. Her hands touched his forearms, sliding up the lean sturdiness of his muscles before coming to rest atop his shoulders. Her hands squeezed the muscles there softly. “You could always join me.” She ignored the ache that rose through her wrists at the movement.

She smiled more as Levi’s hands moved to her hips and for a moment, Petra thought that she might be able to persuade him, that this bath might become all the more enjoyable. Her smile grew and her eyes shone bright and hopeful as she gazed into Levi’s grey-blue ones.

His thumbs rubbed her sides. “Your body’s not going to thank you for having sex right now,” he breathed.

The corners of Petra’s mouth twitched irresistibly and she lowered her gaze briefly, taking another step forward until her chest was brushing against her boyfriend’s lightly. “Well, actually sir, I think it just might,” she whispered teasingly, slowly leaning in towards his face. His beautiful eyes narrowed, their attention drawn to her approaching lip. He inhaled slowly and tilted his head, lowering his head just a little to meet Petra’s mouth in a brief, tender touch. Petra lingered there, her eyes closing fully as her smile widened. “I think it’d thank me very much,” she whispered against his mouth.

In that moment, Levi relaxed under her touch. She felt his shoulders drop for a moment and his mouth moved slowly over hers, engaging her in another gentle kiss. Her hands slid to his face as he continued to kiss her. His hands moved around to the small of her back, holding her snugly against his body. Petra relaxed into the kiss immediately, satisfied with the feeling of being in her lover’s arms, surrounded by the enticing steam of the bath and the faint aroma of the limited liquid bathing soap allowed to the upper ranks of the officers. Lavender filled her nostrils, easing away some of the lingering tensions from earlier.

Petra’s arms began to wrap around Levi’s shoulders but his hands suddenly caught her forearms and stopped them. He broke the kiss and blinked for a moment as if waking from a dream. “It won’t thank you tomorrow when you ache even worse,” Levi reminded her, his voice low and soft. He pecked her lips once more. “When you’re feeling better,” he added.

Petra felt like some cool air had been added to the seductive warmth of a moment ago and already the atmosphere was thinning out. She pouted a little in protest but the captain’s words still landed well. If they were to fool around right now, it would miss the whole point of the bath in the first place.

Pulling away a little, she nodded once, smiling ruefully at her boyfriend. “Okay, you’re probably right,” she conceded.

Levi moved his hands up to her shoulders, cupping them carefully but firmly. “Stay still. Hold onto me if you need to,” he instructed as he began to slide her jacket off her shoulders, letting it fall down her arms. He folded it up and rested it on the counter next to the sink behind them. Petra was grateful for him stripping her as it gave her a nice reason to not move her aching limbs more than she had to. Plus she liked the way that his nimble fingers quickly unfastened the buttons of her shirt one by now until the material gave way and revealed her flat stomach and the numerous purple bruises already forming there and up closer towards her chest too. Soon he was pulling her shirt off completely although he did so more slowly once he spotted a couple of bruises on her arms along the way.

“Did you play bounce on the ground or something?” he murmured as he folded up her shirt.

“Something like that,” Petra shrugged then winced.

Levi lifted his hands to her bare shoulders, stroking them softly, his thumb pressing gently into the tired muscles there. Petra’s heartbeat fluttered and her skin tingled under his touch. Each stroke brought a little relief to her shoulders which she enjoyed for those seconds before Levi lowered his hands away.

His hands made careful work of stripping off the rest of her uniform. By the time he was finished, her legs were feeling achy. Petra reached out a hand towards the wall to steady herself as she approached the bath.

Suddenly Levi’s arms were under her back and legs and he lifted her into a bridal hold with ease. She swung her arms around his neck to stabilize herself with a soft squeak. She saw the corners of his mouth play up slightly at her noise. “I’ve got you,” he whispered as he lowered her into the bath.

Petra couldn’t hold back the prolonged moan that escaped her as hot, pleasantly scented water washed over her at once. Her aches were replaced with this rush of heat all through her. She leaned her head back against the tub and let her eyes flutter closed. “Oh that feels good,” she breathed, letting herself sink into the water as much as she could.

Next to the tub, Levi knelt next to her, bringing his hands through the water and reaching up to spread the water over her neck and face. Petra let him. It felt nice to have that soothing touch amplified by the heat of the water.

“Thank you,” Petra sighed after a few minutes of just basking in the heat had passed.

“You know, it’s ironic,” Levi commented as he took a small bowl and filled it with water from the tub, “that you’re so good at taking care of everyone else but you let things slide for yourself.” He put the bowl to one side and then leaned both of his elbows on the edge of the tub, watching her thoughtfully with his eyes narrowing a little. “You remind me of someone that way,” he mused.

“Who?” Petra’s curiosity won out over answering Levi’s initial comment. “I just find it easier to worry about other people. I guess, with myself, it’s hard to draw the line between what’s necessary and what’s… an indulgence, I guess.” She confessed as she pushed the water around her arms and chest.

“Soothing aches after a mission is an indulgence?” Levi questioned. Petra smiled at his dodging of her question.

“Isn’t it?” Petra questioned, lifting her head to meet his eyes. “When I wasn’t really injured and I feel okay?” Her voice shook with uncertainty. How could she saw that she was entitled to anything after some of the things that their comrades had gone through? She moved the water around some more and inhaled the steam that still hung in the air. Her insides melted under the seductive heat, chasing away some of the chilly anxiety that was trying to creep in with her thoughts.

Suddenly Levi’s hand plunged into the water, reaching for hers and lifting it out, entwining their fingers together as he did. “You didn’t break any bones, Petra but you still got hurt. Your body is worn out from fighting so hard. Think of the comrades that you saved today. They’re alive and can go home and see their families because of you. I’d say they’d agree that the least you deserve is a hot bath.”

Petra’s anxiety melted away from her instantly and she shook her head with the softest of laughs. “Wow. With that kinda speech, you can give the commander a run for his money,” she teased, squeezing his fingers. “Thank you,” she added quietly.

“Tch,” Levi shook his head. “You’re the one reminding me of him right now. Pushing yourself forward without resting.” He stroked her fingers with his thumb.

“Me, like the commander?” Petra scoffed, coughing a little awkwardly. “I don’t see it.”

“In that respect you are,” Levi remarked, a slight smirk tugging at his mouth. “It’s a pain,” he mused before the smirk dropped entirely. He rested his elbows on the side of the tub. “You can only stay as strong as you are by resting, Petra. By doing what you need to feel better.”

It was Petra’s turn to squeeze Levi’s hand. “Shall I remind you of that when you only rest for four hours?”

“Heh, you think I wouldn’t sleep longer if I could?” Levi questioned, lifting both of his eyebrows and lowering Petra’s hand back into the water. “Don’t take this for granted, Petra. Rest for as long as you can. Heal for as long as you can.”

Petra held his gaze for a moment, considering his words as the heat from the bath continued to soak into her skin, chasing away the remnants of the pains from the mission.

——————————————

An hour later, the fireplace was blazing hotter and higher than before.

Petra and Levi had returned to the fireplace. Levi’s arms cradled Petra close to him, holding her so that she could lean her head back on his shoulder. He made no complaint for the wetness that had seeped into his shoulder. The clean smell of her hair was soothing to him as was the feeling of her nestled perfectly into his arms.

Outside the window, the wind had died down and the world was quiet. The crackling of the fireplace rose in volume. An aura of peace shrouded the silent, relaxing couple.

Petra could stay here all night and all day, she realized happily as she leaned against Levi. The thought of shutting out the cruel world that they lived in and the pain that was constantly being inflicted within it was an appealing option if an unrealistic one. Eventually they would have to return to their jobs, their duties. For the sake of humanity. They had to give the people hope. They had to do their best to bring people back alive. They had to give the world a reason to keep smiling, to find the joy in life. Otherwise what was the point of all this fighting? They had to fight for moments like these: relaxing by the fire with loved ones, emotional conversations and cups of tea. All the little pleasures in this life.

Watching the flames was so comfortably hypnotic that Petra’s eyes drooped again and again. After fighting back a couple of yawns, she eventually let one escape.

“Go to bed,” Levi murmured, kissing her temple.

Petra gave a soft, protesting groan. “I’m comfy here,” she murmured, snuggling into his shoulder all the more.

“That bath will have been for nothing if you hurt your back falling asleep on this shitty sofa,” Levi pointed out. He lifted his hand from around her shoulder to play with the damp strands of her hair. “Go and get some sleep, Petra,” he urged her with another kiss to her temple. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “People are going to need you at your best to keep their spirits up,” he added. “You’re always telling us to take care of ourselves, right? Follow your own advice.”

His answer brought a deeper smile out in Petra’s face and she tried not to laugh aloud at it. He made good points, as he often did, but Petra still didn’t want to leave the comfort of his embrace and the gorgeous warmth of the fireplace. Even the prospect of wrapping herself up in bed didn’t compare to this feeling right now. However, she was out of any logical arguments that would swing.

She yawned once more and stretched her arms out ahead of her with a slow, resigned nod. “Okay, you win. I’ll go to bed,” she said pushing herself up to her feet. She felt him standing up behind her. Smiling, she turned to face him, her hands moving to his cheeks. His hands found her sides as she leaned in to kiss him again. “Goodnight,” she whispered.

“Goodnight, Petra,” Levi whispered against her lips before moving away from her and walking towards his desk which still had a mountain of paperwork sat atop it.

Petra sighed. “At least pretend that you’re going to go to bed,” she complained softly. However by this point, she knew when to choose her battles over this. She watched as the captain sat himself behind his desk and pulled the pile of paperwork in front of him.

“Sleep, Petra,” was all her boyfriend said on the matter.

——————————————

Admittedly the mild chill in the hallways was a refreshing balm against the heat of the bath, fireplace and her own drowsiness. It forced Petra to focus on navigating the many hallways and stairways of the headquarters. The further she walked, the more her aches began to wake up. She slowed her pace, determined not to undo the bath completely. She slid her hands into her jacket pockets and gazed out of the windows as she walked.

The world was hauntingly beautiful in the middle of the night, Petra thought as she stopped by a pane and gazed out at the darkened world and the shadowy houses of Trost all around the walls of Scout Headquarters. A constant reminder of the people that Petra was here to protect. A reminder that they were part of humanity as well as fighting for them.

You are starting to sound like the Commander a little bit, Petra mused to herself. Maybe he’s rubbing off on me. I suppose it was gonna show up sooner or later. We are related after all.

Not that anyone in the Scouts was aware that Commander Erwin Smith was, in fact, Petra’s half-brother. As she began to walk again, continuing down the empty hallways, she let her thoughts wander back over her time in the military. It was a careful secret they’d both kept well - helped by the fact that Petra had a different surname and had inherited more of her father’s looks than her mother’s though her mother often said that she and Erwin had the same smile and the same determination in their eyes whenever they got it in their minds to do something. She’d been so frustrated when Petra had been determined to join the military like her brother.

Erwin was already a squad leader by the time that Petra began her training. It was determined to be the simpler course of action to avoid any suspicion and claims of favouritism if they just kept their family connection a secret. Not that there was anything to found such things. Erwin had always been good at treating Petra the way they’d agreed that he would - as just another Scout. They’d both managed to hold the secret very well so far. Petra had made only one request when she’d first joined the regiment. She didn’t want to be in Erwin’s squad. Her brother had agreed that, while having her in his squad would give him the opportunity to watch over her, it also potentially offered them both a distraction on the battlefield and that was something they both considered too risky. Out of sight didn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t worry about each other but it had to be better than watching each other fight. It would force them to focus on themselves and trust the other one to be able to stay alive and do their job.

It was the right decision, Petra mused with a smile. She wasn’t “the Commander’s kid sister” nor was her elevation to Levi Squad any act of nepotism. She had made it this far within the Scouts on her own. Even though it meant telling lies along the way including to her captain.

Petra pushed those thoughts away from her as another yawn tumbled from her mouth. The prospect of bed was even more welcoming and comforting now. The thought of sinking her head onto her pillow and wrapping herself in her bedsheets was a very happy one.

She was walking along a particularly quiet hallway when a door in the middle suddenly opened, filling a rectangular patch of the floor with the familiar amber of firelight. The sudden appearance of the light caught her attention and she lifted her eyes towards it instantly. Who else is up at this time of night?

A tall and familiar figure stepped out into the doorway, turning towards Petra. “You’re up very late, Petra,” Erwin remarked.

His sleeves were rolled up and rumpled and several buttons of his shirt were undone as well. His hair was ruffled with stray stands sticking up. He immediately began to smooth it down. Petra thought back a chuckle. Some habits never change. Always has to look his best as soon as someone is watching him.

He’d been that way for as long as Petra had known him. She’d never really understood why. Why he was always putting on one face when there was more going on below the surface. Whenever she’d asked him, he simply told her that it was easier to catch flies with honey rather than vinegar and that sometimes things got done better with charming smiles rather than bitter bickering. Their mother agreed and Petra couldn’t say that she disagreed with that logic either but even so, there was still something that her

“Yeah,” Petra acknowledged, her hands finding their way to each other through the air and clasping, channeling the nervous energy that was beginning to rise up through her. She couldn’t admit that she’d just spent the evening in the arms of her superior officer (and Humanity’s Strongest, for that matter.) She and Levi had long since determined that keeping it out of the ears of those who would gossip and those who would have concerns was just going to be better all round. “I just wanted to… to go for a walk before bed. I’ve been thinking about a lot,” she said, taking as much truth out of today as she could. She had taken a walk this morning… which was technically before bed. She did have a lot on her mind too. Nothing she’d told the commander was a lie.

“It’s been a trying few days,” Erwin acknowledged, sliding his hands into his pockets. “It was a particularly brutal expedition.”

That was a line her brother would say most expeditions. So far the mildest description of an expedition, in her experience, was “rough” and even then it had taken out a quarter of their soldiers, mostly new recruits at the time. It didn’t fill Petra with reassurance or confidence about her ability to survive the expedition. It just meant that the danger was still as present and still as ruthless as ever. She was just lucky at this point, as were they all. Petra had seen many good, talented soldiers being eaten.

Petra cut those thoughts off. She wouldn’t be able to sleep if she kept thinking about all that. The advice that Levi usually gave their squad after missions came to mind; focus on being alive and safe within the Walls again, otherwise it’ll drive you mad and next time you won’t come back. Blunt but effective words coming from the typically blunt captain.

“They’re always brutal,” Petra remarked as the resignation and sadness continued to swim around in her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen an expedition that wasn’t.” She folded her arms and turned her eyes back to one of the windows she’d been looking out of. She could still see them, their comrades, spread across the ground like they were dolls.

“That’s true. The very nature of our job is brutal, no matter the fatality count,” Erwin remarked. He walked slowly towards her, tilting his head a little. Some of the stray strands of his ruffled hair fell into his face. “I’m glad I ran into you. I was hoping that we could talk for a few moments.” He paused. “If you’re not too tired, of course.”

He reached out and touched her elbow, just a small gesture but the action helped to ground Petra’s thoughts back to the present moment.

Petra’s gaze lingered on the blue stillness of the outside world for a moment as she exhaled slowly. “Yeah, I’m good to stay up for a little longer.” She murmured and slowly turned back around to face Erwin. “Is something wrong?” she asked, anxiety creeping into her voice.

“Nothing like that,” Erwin gestured for her to walk into his office. “Don’t worry.”

“Just what every Scout wants to hear while being summoned to the Commander’s office,” Petra commented, her eyes flickering playfully towards his as she strode into his office.

“I’m not exactly talking to you as a Scout,” Erwin murmured as he followed her inside.

The warmth of it welcomed Petra instantly. Unlike Levi’s office which had a minimalist structure in all with a bookcase, desk, sofa, chairs and a fireplace, Erwin’s room was like stepping into a library. Every wall not taken up by either the fireplace or windows was covered by bookshelf after bookshelf. It gave the room a comfortable library feel that felt very Erwin. In the middle of the room stood his desk with a couple of chairs beside it. Further along, a small sofa sat opposite the fireplace just like Levi’s. Erwin gestured to the sofa and they both took a seat on it. Petra’s attention immediately turned towards the flames which were still reasonably high and piled with a considerable amount of logs. Apparently Erwin wasn’t planning on getting some rest anytime soon. Petra smiled at the similarity to Levi who was no doubt still cooped up in his office with papers.

They sat comfortably for about a minute or so. With each second that passed, Petra wondered whether something was actually wrong and that Erwin was simply trying to keep her calm about something. Her brother’s ability to lie smoothly - while not something she’d experienced much - wasn’t lost on her either.

“Erwin.” The sound of her brother’s name sounded unusual from her lips, in their place of work anyway. Here he was just “the commander” or “Commander Erwin” if she used his name at all. Right now, on their own, it felt odd to be laying official titles to one side. “Are you sure that everything’s okay?”

“Everything is fine,” Erwin insisted, “although Mother has contacted me about you coming home for a visit soon.”

Petra released a breath in mingled relief that nothing was wrong and a little bit of exasperation. Her mother had been asking for her to come home for a while. Petra didn’t hate the idea in itself. It would be very good to see her, and her father too. She enjoyed the time she spent with them; being able to act like an ordinarily civilian was nice from time to time and it was a much needed rest. Being able to just do ordinary things every day and sleep in a bit longer and eat something other than the harsh military rations would be pretty damn good.

The trouble didn’t lie in going home but rather the preparation to go back. At some point during the trip, her mother would begin a conversation about whether Petra was still happy with the Military and if there was really no other work that she could be happy with. Petra bowed her head a little and reached up her hand to rub the bridge of her nose in anticipation of that conversation yet again. She’d lost track of how many times they’d had that conversation and how, each and every time, their mother had worn the same shining glimmer of hope in her eyes. The same shining blue of Erwin’s. Petra would hear the sorrow and the worry in her mother’s voice and she did feel for her, she really did.

But ultimately Petra would give her the same answer and deep down she’d resent her mother for making her give that same answer. For making her hurt her with the same answer.

“Of course she has,” she sighed, still staring into the fire. It was never going to be something that was ever unexpected but it was even more likely now after recent expeditions.

Some of the more recent fatalities had been children, brothers, sisters and cousins of the Ral’s neighbours. Petra could only imagine the impact of watching neighbours grieving over their children when your own child was still alive, still living in that danger. Petra could only imagine the level of anxiety that her mother was sitting in now. But still, the thought of reliving that conversation yet again held her back.

“I will go and see her,” Petra finally told her brother, “at some point. Just not yet.” She straightened up in her seat. “I don’t want to argue with her about still being in the Scouts.”

“Is that something you both argue about a lot?” Erwin asked with interest. For a moment, Petra scowled up at him, fire shining in her amber eyes.

You should know this. Petra thought accusingly. You should know we do because you should be going to see Mom too. You should be taking more time off to spend with her. You’re just as much at risk on expeditions as I am. You should know what we talk about. As soon as those thoughts passed through her head, Petra regretted them. Everyone in the Scouts knew how hard their commander worked. A select few even knew that he kept late hours and was constantly revising his strategy to try and minimize Scout casualties. It was a heavy burden and Erwin had taken on that mantle years before he should have had to.

So her features softened and she looked away with a long exhale. He was a busy man. They had both chosen this busy life. It didn’t leave them with many opportunities for the usual sibling bonding time. It had been that way for all of Petra’s life. Erwin was twelve when she was born. He had been training in the cadets during her infancy and by the time she was old enough to go to school, he was already an experienced Scout.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin’s voice lowered considerably. “I probably should know this.”

“It’s okay. You’re busy,” Petra said, swallowing back a brief resurgence of the bitterness from earlier as it shot back up her throat. “We do talk about it a lot. It feels like it’s every time I’m on leave. She asks if I’m still happy to keep doing this or if I could imagine doing something else.” She leaned forward again, elbows pressing into her knees as she reached up to cup her temples and push her hair out of her face. “We keep having the same conversation, over and over and it’s…” she trailed off.

“That sounds frustrating,” her brother murmured. “Especially when you’re so committed to this life that you’ve chosen. You don’t need to be reevaluating it all the time.” Petra felt him shift slightly closer to her on the couch. She turned to him briefly and nodded.

“Exactly,” she answered. “Why does she insist on hearing me say it over and over? It hurts her, I know it does. But I’m not gonna lie to her or give her false hope. This is what I chose. She needs to accept that.”

“She does,” Erwin agreed. He turned his own attention towards the firelight. “But that’s probably very hard for her. Both of her children are in the walls’ most dangerous military regiment. She’s already lost a husband inside the walls, which are supposed to be safe. Now both of her children travel outside the walls where the dangers are all the worst and ever-present. Every couple of months, she watches us leave the safety of the walls, knowing that the odds of us both returning are never particularly good.”

Erwin’s words made Petra’s stomach fill with a violent nauseous feeling as she imagined that truth going through her mother’s mind every time the Scouts left.

“I understand that that must be hard for her-” Petra began to say but Erwin cut her off.

“How can you and I fully understand?” he asked, his eyes fixing on Petra’s. “We don’t have children. We can’t fully appreciate what she goes through every time we leave the walls.”

Petra’s hands clasped together in front of her, wringing her fingers hard. “What are we supposed to do to make it better then? We shouldn’t have to give up on the life we chose,” she argued softly. “I love Mom, I do but I couldn’t do anything else,” she explained.

Suddenly Erwin’s hand moved to cover both of hers. “Nor could I and I love her dearly too. We can’t give up the purpose we chose. That’s something that maybe she can’t understand,” he continued. “Why our purpose is so important to us. Have you ever sat her down and explained things fully to her?”

Petra bit her lip and thought about it. “I… I’m not sure that I have.” “Perhaps it’s time you did. You can only break this cycle with her by talking things out with her,” Erwin mused. Leaning forward, his hand squeezed hers. “It’s been some time since she’s seen me too. We can both go home for a couple of nights and talk to her together.”

The idea filled Petra with a refreshing sense of relief. “That would be great,” Petra said, perking up at once. “That would really help, Erwin. Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me for visiting my own mother,” Erwin remarked, his lips tipping up into a playful smile. “We can make it easier on each other by going home together and drawing her worry together.” He released her hands and clasped his own. “I’m sure she’s got plenty to say to me after so long as well.”

“Does she keep asking you whether you still want to be commander?”

“Not that specifically. I made it clear to her that I wasn’t going to change my mind.”

Petra exhaled with a slight pout. “Lucky.”

“You think?” Erwin eyed his sister with an increasing smile. “You’re still young enough for her not to worry so much about relationships at my children.” He pointed out, turning away from her a little to stare into the fire, his smile growing. “At my age, she would expect me to be married with children by now,” he commented. “She didn’t like me choosing the Scouts over Marie,” he continued.

“You and Marie were so good together.” Petra recalled. “I don’t know how you did that. Giving up someone that you loved,” she mused. For a moment or two, there was silence between them and Petra eyed her brother with a slight frown. “Don’t tell me you didn’t love her. I know you did. You tried to pretend that you didn’t love her back then.”

“That pretense was as much for me as it was an attempt to reassure you and Mother,” Erwin recalled. “As much as it was for Marie. But it wasn’t fair to subject her to that fear of watching me ride out to the titans every few months.”

“Plenty of Scouts have people who do that. Would you say that they shouldn’t be married?” Petra asked.

Erwin smiled at the turnaround. “No. I’m not speaking for anyone else. Only my situation. I knew that there was someone who could give Marie the constant family life that she wanted. Nile loved her as much as I did.”

Petra scooted back on the sofa, resting her hands in her lap as a soft frown began to fill her expression. “Yeah but she loved you more, didn’t she?” she asked in a quiet voice.

Erwin didn’t answer straight away and Petra simply watched him for a moment, her eyes memorizing his side profile as the firelight danced over his features. Many people would see this man and they could only see the commander that led them against the titans time and time again. They saw the cool, firm strategist whose long range formation had saved many Scout lives in the long run. They saw the genius and his bravery. They saw his cleverness and dedication to fighting for humanity. They didn’t see the sacrifice he had made along the way. They didn’t see the compassion and care that he held for those closest to him. They didn’t see the man beneath the title and the responsibility.

“I’m sorry,” Petra said quickly. “I’m not trying to reopen old wounds, Erwin.”

“It’s all right,” Erwin murmured. “I know.”

“I’ve always thought that you deserved to have both,” Petra told him. “That you deserve love in your life after everything that you do.”

The chuckle that suddenly slipped out of her brother startled her and she blinked at him in slow confusion.

“Do I? After sending how many people to their deaths?” Erwin questioned. “Do I really deserve to have that in my life?”

“Yes,” Petra said without hesitation, smiling as her brother eyed her with genuine surprise. “You’re a commander. Commanders have to carry the weight of their decisions,” she said, placing her hand on his shoulder. “That doesn’t mean that you don’t get to live, Erwin.”

Erwin brought a free hand up to cover hers. “One moment ago, I was counseling you and now you’ve turned this around onto me,” he mused. “I’m impressed.” He squeezed her hand. “I appreciate what you’re saying but I still stand by my decision and I think Marie is happy enough with Nile. She has a family safe within Wall Rose. She has a good life.”

Petra opened her mouth to argue and then closed it again. Tonight was not the night to push it. Instead, she leaned her head on her brother’s shoulder, above his hand.

“I don’t regret this choice, Petra, any more than you have,” Erwin assured her. “Fighting for humanity gives me my purpose. Improving the Scouts’ survival rates and taking any victory against the titans is important to me. Just as I know fighting for humanity is important to you. We’ll explain that to Mother when we go home, together. We’ll break that cycle. All we can do from there is move forward.”

Petra chuckled softly and raised her head to shake it at her brother. “You just can’t stop with the speeches even here, can you?” she teased.

“Well, if you wouldn’t be so in need of brotherly advice,” Erwin teased.

“Says the man who was getting some counseling a few minutes ago,” Petra countered.

“Fair. Although I’m sure the time will come when I’m counseling you about your love life.”

Petra let out a scoffing sound. “Oh please,” she muttered, trying to force her voice not to crack or give any indication that she was lying. “I am not there yet. I’ve got enough to think about just getting through the expeditions,” she continued, “and not throttling Oluo every time he opens his damn mouth or bites his stupid tongue.”

Erwin tilted his head at her, not even disguising the smirk that was forming there now although there was another look in his eyes, something that made Petra feel uncertain. It was like curiosity but not quite. Something more. “Could there be some complicated feelings towards your comrade perhaps? You do spend a great deal of time with your team,” Erwin mused teasingly.

Petra brought a hand to her lips and gagged as nausea shot up her throat. “Oh, no” she said emphatically. “Please don’t say that again, Erwin. I just threw up a little in my mouth.”

Her brother chuckled quietly. “Apologies for making you feel so ill so close to bed time,” he told her. His gaze lifted to the small clock on his mantelpiece. “Speaking of, I think I’ve held you up quite enough tonight.”

“I don’t mind. It’s been nice talking to you,” Petra admitted.

“We don’t do it as often as we should,” Erwin agreed.

“Well you’re a busy man. I understand,” Petra said, “and we did agree that we wouldn’t make it public that we’re related.”

“We did. But I still enjoy spending time with my sister even if it means chasing her up to visit our mother.” Erwin smiled.

Petra smiled and shook her head. It helped to know that she and Erwin would both go home and see their mother and talk things out. It had been a long time since the three of them were all together as a family, including Petra’s father who got on fairly well with Erwin, helped by the fact that he didn’t try and be his father. Petra didn’t know much about Erwin’s father. Neither he nor their mother liked to discuss him in front of Petra and her father. Petra couldn’t say that she wasn’t curious but, again, this wasn’t a night for that either.

She pushed herself up to her feet and rolled her shoulders. “I better go and get some sleep then. Work myself up for this talk with Mom,” she teased.

Erwin rose up more gracefully than she had done. He carefully wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “It’ll work out well,” he told her. “Goodnight, Petra.”

“Goodnight, Erwin,” Petra hugged her brother briefly before heading towards the door. Carefully, she opened it slowly so that it didn’t creak and then slipped out into the shadows of the darkened hallway, her footsteps quietly echoing as they gradually began to disappear.

��—————————————

His sister had become quite the proficient liar.

Erwin mused on this as he stood behind the door, listening to Petra’s footsteps echoing against the floor. She was going back the way she came rather than the direction she’d been going in when Erwin had interrupted her. It made him smile, to think that their conversation had gotten her thinking, had changed her mind. What specifically that was, he couldn’t say for sure but he had a good idea of who it involved. The sharer of the secret that she’d been keeping from him for some time.

He wasn’t sure when it had happened but he was glad that she could hold her own with a lie. It would be better this way. Better than things being out in the open and complicating things and just generally getting in the way. Some things weren’t meant to be a public matter. Sometimes things were better kept as secrets. The truth didn’t always set people free when it was spoken out loud. Sometimes doing so came with a bitter price. Erwin knew that better than anyone else. He’d paid it.

Smiling to himself, he stepped quietly out into the hallway, towards her retreating footsteps. He knew where she was going so he took his time.

Soon enough he was stood around the corner, watching his sister lingering outside Captain Levi’s doorway. How long she and his strongest soldier had been in a relationship, Erwin didn’t know. Neither of them were aware that Erwin had discreetly noticed Petra leaving Levi’s rooms rather late some nights or that something was different about his sister. He’d chosen not to confront them about it. Their relationship wasn’t impacting them on missions or in training and the less gossip about either of them among the other soldiers, the better.

Erwin knew it was selfish to focus on the benefits of their relationship as opposed to his sister’s happiness but the two things weren’t mutually exclusive and, he didn’t feel particularly inclined to meddle in Petra’s relationship without just cause. He trusted her to be able to hold her own or come to him if she needed help or advice and it suited him that she hadn’t. He could focus on other matters.

Still, there was a sentimentality to watching the captain’s door open and the happiness spread across Petra’s face as she walked into the glowing light radiating from within.

The two of them deserved to be happy together. In this dismal world, you had to take it where you could.

#my fics #fic: under watchful eyes #attack on titan #attack on titan fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyojin fanfiction #one shot #levi ackerman #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi ackerman x petra ral #levi ackerman x petra ral fanfiction #rivetra #rivetra fanfiction

29 notes · View notes