spellbound-oracle

[spellbound-oracle]

[spellbound-oracle]

One week ago today, I broke off my engagement to my partner of almost 16 years.

Everyone thinks I'm making a mistake. Even after explaining that I've been thinking about it for a long time. I've struggled, cried, analyzed, tried different strategies, questioned myself, argued with myself, and ultimately decided that I could not and did not want to lie to myself anymore.

My feelings for him have changed after feeling unseen, unsupported, and frankly disliked - for too long.

He's not a bad person. He has cared for me in the best way he knows how. He was focused on being the provider. That's how he shows love. However, he has deep issues to work on, as do I, but the difference is that I've been doing the inner work for years, and he's only decided to do it *now*, likely out of desperation. I say that because he has told me point blank on more than one occasion that he's "not willing to do the work to heal." And that doesn't feel good to me. But everyone else thinks it's romantic that he is trying now, because he loves me so much... yet I feel like it's just another decision made out of panic about being alone and fear of change more than it is about his love for me.

I know I'm not someone who is seen as very capable of certain things. AuDHD does make many adult responsibilities and tasks difficult for me, and he was often the one helping me out... Again, his way of showing love. But there were so many times when...I just wanted him to sympathize with my struggles, verbally express support and belief in me and my dreams, hug me when I told him I was feeling needy and lonely, show genuine interest in my hobbies, take me out on a date that I didn't have to beg for, etc. And I have communicated those needs again and again and again...only to be left in tears.

My mother thinks I'm throwing a good thing away. She thinks that there aren't many people out there that think the way I do, that actively work on healing the way I do, that will be able to understand me... She's in shock, naturally. She loves him like a son. And she's also projecting her own issues, of course. I know that. But it still hurts. It hurts to feel like she thinks I've essentially gone mad. As if I haven't been dealing with the weight of this for years.

I wholeheartedly believe that I have a true soulmate out there. But I'm not actively trying to find him. I want to find my own soul first. I want to discover all the things that light me up. I want to rediscover things I've lost. I want to be in nature more. I want to move my body more, even if it's just walking. I want to spend more time with my true friends. I want to find new hobbies. I want to date myself and care for myself and find my peace.

And tbh I think I'll probably meet my soulmate along the way. That's the version of me that I'd want him to meet, anyway.

So for now...I may be rotting on my couch while my ex-fiancé is gaming in what was once our bedroom, but at least I feel a sense of relief. Of freedom. But I am still grieving, and will continue to for a little while, I'm sure... After all, that relationship was quite literally all I've known for half of my life... I will always care about his wellbeing until the day I die... But I can't do more than that anymore. I'm just too tired.

I can't abandon myself anymore.

I hope that if you are dealing with a similar heartbreak, that you are being gentle with yourself. Protect your peace. That's all that matters now. 🤍

[spellbound-oracle]

[spellbound-oracle]

[spellbound-oracle]

I love reading Tarot at cool events! ✨️ Yesterday, I did readings at a fantasy themed photoshoot for some magickal models and incredibly talented photographers! 🧚🏻‍♂️🧝🏻‍♀️⚔️🔮🌿 One of the best parts about working these events is getting to meet the most kind-hearted and creative souls out there that also just genuinely appreciate and respect what I do.

Uplifting each other is what it's all about! 💫

[spellbound-oracle]

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must, but take a step.”

— Unknown

[spellbound-oracle]

“I will not think less of myself just because you do not know how to love me.”

— Unknown

[spellbound-oracle]

If you listen to your body when it whispers, you won't have to hear it scream.

Dan Millman

[spellbound-oracle]

“She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”

— j. iron word

[spellbound-oracle]

“you are still learning. you are still changing. you are still growing. breathe. you will find your way.”

— Unknown

[spellbound-oracle]

[spellbound-oracle]

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

— Unknown

[spellbound-oracle]

“At some point in life, someone will love you more than what you’ve expected. Be Patient and learn to wait, because sometimes a patient person receives the best love story.”

— Unknown

[spellbound-oracle]

Come, let’s run through the forest 🌲

[spellbound-oracle]

[spellbound-oracle]

[spellbound-oracle]

“Don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because it’s stormy now doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.”

— Unknown