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Journal 4 / 2021/08/07

Hey. I disappeared for like a week but, things happened.

After these three days, I started working on the social media line of business and honestly it made my leg stop shaking during work and I forgot about the ring beezzling my ear everytime a call would come in.

The only thing that makes me worry about it, is that my friends are not on that floor and the cold AC making my bones hurt like hell. And the fact that all my team is composed by men and no women to talk with.

I used to have a friend, but I don't remember if I said that before but we broke our friendship and now she tries to avoid me as much as she can.

The only person I have is sick. To summarize, I met her last year. It happened that the boy that I was interested on was actually interested in her. She told me that like 5 months later. Anyways, we became friends because of kpop and we are super gay together. I trust her a lot and she gives me a lot of advice.

I told her about not having feeling about anyone and not liking to be touched, and she told me that maybe I was all about conexion. I agree on that.

On the other hand. My ex wrote me back, he told me he wanted to be friends with me and I kinda agreed on that because I don't know how to say no.

He writes me the whole day. Complete things about what he is doing and he is very interested on my day. I don't want to give the guy false hopes, so I am not replying to him.

On other news, I bought the tape and started to practice piano again. I am rehearsing "Always Remember Us This Way". From Lady Gaga, my hero.

And I had a talk with my mother that ended up as me having a panick attack again. I let her know how anxious, depressed and frustrated I have been feeling. And she wants to help me out. I feel bad because I don't want to tell her that I idealize suicide a lot, bc that would make her feel bad and I don't want that.

The next day, I started piano and vocal lessons. My teacher was happy to see me and told me he wanted to work more with me. We started working on Beethoven's "Fur Elise" I didn't tell him that I know how to play it because I want him to correct me.

And I discovered that I am not that much of a good singer despite of what my sister could say after listening to me.

Anyways, I am feeling more relaxed, doing things I like and avoiding stress as much as I can. I hope things improve after this.

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Journal 3 / 2021/07/27

Okay. Today I went back to my job after passing these 3 days off thinking about my decisions. I felt strangely bored and anxious during the whole time.

Like, when you start something and you are very excited and you just don't want to mess it all?, just like that. I felt like if I was on a rollecoaster right in the spot where the kart its going to have a free fall and your stomach its going around and around. Just like that.

The good thing is that everything became calmer and I began to feel more comfortable as the day went by. I felt alone because I didn't have my friends with me but it was a great time to be alone and to stop thinking. That's the number one reason I don't quit.

I vagued all the day thinking about buying that damn tape and I forgot because of that kdrama I am watching.

Now that I think about it, it has become more easier to write my feelings and just let them be. Oh, and now that I remember, I hate physical contact, I hate hugs from strangers and kisses from a lover. I hate all of it. And there is this girl who likes to touch me and run after me and today she touched my waist. I felt touched, tbh, very uncomfortable and I felt like her hand was burning me. She also likes to touch my hair. And I desperately hate that. Sometimes I want to just run away or slap them when they do that. I don't get why love is so important to them and why they want to touch everyone like, they think we are family or like you hug just everyone?Fuck no.

I came back home and he texted me. I don't know what it said because he deleted the message, but pretty much he must have asked me why I never replied, and I would have answered; "Because I don't feel like that anymore"... But then, what if I do? What if its a mistake? Guess the time will be the only one telling me that.

I used to talk a lot with a Mexican guy who is very smart and funny, but then, he left me on seen. And it has been a week. I always saw him as a friend. Maybe he just got tired of me of the fact I am boring and never express my feelings.

Feelings are such a difficult word. My psychologist asked me why was it hard to say pretty things about myself. So I will try to say one every day until I find self love.

1. I am a quick learner. (Guess thats a compliment)

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Journal 2 / 2021/07/26

Today was a very calmed day. Yesterday, I made a mistake in the middle of my anxiety and wrote to him. I said, "This is very hard" But he answered saying "What thing?".

After reading that, I regreted what I did two minutes ago and then turned off my cellphone. I felt stupid, I felt like I was feeling like this for the wrong person and putting effort on something that was better not to happen.

Today, I felt more relaxed, even though I miss to play the piano, I don't have tape to wrap it later since I can't just set it up somewhere beacuse I share rooms with my sister.

I enjoyed spending time with my mother and that made me happy. The fact that I know I can speak with her and trust her. Even though she doesn't know it all, I know I can tell her anything. Except,- -for the fact I idealize death way to much.

My head is still burning and my stomach it's still contracting it self. also, tomorrow, I have to face the people we both know -and I won't be able to see the people that makes me feel comfortable. The fact o-f working on the hall, makes me feel like everyone will see me, every single movement or everything I say. But, the only good thing is that I can see her again. She is like a safe place, a good friend that I know I can trust even if she doesn't know I hurt her. And I want to make it up for her.

Tomorrow, my wish is to begin to stop thinking about him or worrying about love, that shit is not important right now. What it is important it's my career and the fact that i have to find a way to love myself.

[sponjokes]

Journal 1 / 2021/07/25

Two days ago I took the decision of leaving my partner. He was the only person seeking for me for the past two months and now I left him due to my anxiety. I feel the worst to express that I wasn't able to tell him whats going on inside my head.

He doesn't know that I always look at the clock when I wake up hoping its 5 AM. He doesn't know that when I open my eyes I want to go back to sleep again. When It's time to get up, I wish that the day goes by without any thoughts passing through my mind, but that's impossible.

I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner without tasting the food, without any pleasure. I just do it because my family does.

He doesn't know how much I struggle with my stomach, I have to go to the bathroom more than 5 times a day to check because the stomache won't stop. I can laugh during the day or enjoy watching stuff online because it keeps me from thinking about my future or myself... Or... Even us.

As the day goes by, I am aware of my stomach contracting and my head hurting.

I don't want to tell him that I want to die, I don't want him to know that I day dream about leaving my house or that a school bus crushes me to death. I don't want him to know. Maybe, despite my brain intended me to see him as a thread, I love him enough to make sure he doesn't see this part of me. I don't want him to deal with this persona. Because not even myself can do such a thing.

Two days ago I was rejected from college, I got a panick attack. I struggle with dealing to have a normal life. This ain't my life, this is what others want my life to be.

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took me days to do, but I present: the Tuckahoe League

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Haces que mi corazón se sienta como en verano cuando la lluvia está cayendo.

Rogi

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Happy National Sandwich Day!

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Holí c: ¿Queres un sing? ♥

Reblog & listo :B ☆  

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I think you should read this and tell me what do you think

There are people who can make moments movie-like. You know, they have a sense for capturing the moments, to make others feel like time has stopped for a few seconds and they are all eternal. Only them, joy and the moment.. I wish I was someone like that.

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Cool huh?

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spooky movie plans for this week

yesterday: trick ‘r treat (success!!) today: crimson peak (in theater); the haunting (1963 version, tonight) wednesday: the bride of frankenstein thursday: the wolfman (the recent remake) friday: ????? please advise saturday: hocus pocus

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Las personas siempre cambian después de ser heridas.

(via yosoyel-problema)

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Los signos como sirenas

Sirenas hermosas: cáncer, libra, tauro

Juega con los peces: aries, virgo,acuario, géminis

Besa y coquetea con los humanos: piscis, leo, escorpio

Viaja sola por el océano hasta las profundidades: sagitario

Odia el agua y quiere piernas: capricornio

Original: http://scorpiofam.tumblr.com/post/128246442023/the-signs-as-mermaids

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La semana apenas ha comenzado y yo ya estoy cansado.

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Capricornio

Estaba demasiado enojada con una amiga y pude haberle dicho todo lo que pensaba pero en lugar de eso me quedé callada y me fui.