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did i spend way to long making a lesbian edit after i figured out there was pngs of the final stages of their uhh cons. yes. anyways enjoy my cruddy 5 minute one and the ones i spent a bunch of my labor on-

(pls pls plz ask or gives me credit if you use these- they took so much of my time and am proud of them)

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Jerusalem & You.

You wanted me to fall in love with Jerusalem

And instead I fell for you

I couldn't wait to leave this place

So you left me first

And now I finally see the city as you do

Jerusalem seems more beautiful than ever

As it's the only thing I still share with you

I never really admitted it

Only between jokes and banter

That I was falling for Jerusalem

While tracing its edges

Just because you were its center

So meet me one last time

Near the wall of whispers and desperate cries

So you can tell me checkmate

And ignore mine as you leave me behind

And I'll go somewhere else

Because this city screams your name

And I hate to leave it

Almost as much as I'd hate to stay

It would drive me crazy

Looking for you everywhere I step.

– V.B

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ARCANE | 1.04 Happy Progress Day!

The answer is here, staring me in the face. 

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Thoughts about October 14th, 2019

It's some sort of irony, i think, bittersweet, that as i write this i'm sitting on the same bed in which i used to dream about her when i was younger.

I dreamed about her all the time, asleep or awake, i dreamed about seeing her, meeting her (once i even had a dream about kissing her, which was weirdly cute bc i was 15 and hadn't even kissed anyone). I created so many scenarios in my head, but never in a million years i would've imagined i'd be standing at her funeral.

It is ironic, i've decided. Way more bitter than sweet.

That day i think was the first and so far the only time i've dissociated. Derealization. I felt like i was outside my body, watching this terribly sad, tragic scene developing before me.

I've never had somebody close to me die, so this was the most similar experience i can remember... just a little twisted. On one hand i had all these memories that basically only ever existed in my head, all the times she made me happy when i was maybe at my worst – nobody knew about that, certainly not her, but it still somehow felt like she was taking those memories with her, because i simply had no proof of them (maybe i should've kept my high school notebooks in which her name was literally written all over).

On the other hand... being there... I can't even find the words. Seeing hundreds of young women completely devastated, i have images in my head, actual memories, of girls that were barely able to stand because of how much and how hard they were crying.

It was unbearable to see, really, I literally could not take it and that's how dissociation happened, i couldn't stand to be in my body because i couldn't stand being there. And yet, weirdly, i didn't want to leave... because i didn't want to leave her. I was literally mad at my body for not reacting because that was my only chance to say goodbye to her – the only chance to say anything to her, i was finally meeting her. So i had brought with me a letter, that i completely forgot about once i was there because, again, i was simply not functioning. It was too much to take in.

I had been crying for the entire past two days, yet when i was there i didn't drop a single tear.

To this day i'm not even sure if i was actually there or it was just another dream.

I still have that letter though. I don't dare to open it. It's hers.

It's honestly hard for me to even talk in the third person, because i've talked to her so many times in the past year, i've written a million letters in my head. It's like i'm still daydreaming about her.

One of the hardest things i've had to deal with since then is regret, and sorrow. I hate to even say it. Regret that at one point i stopped paying attention, sorrow that at some point i was kind of mad at her... maybe because everyone else was mad at her. Regret that i took her for granted, even when i got to know, on a surface level, of the struggles she was probably going through. And yet still i wish i had known better. As if that would've made any difference.

Back when it happened, more than now, i remember being just so upset at the thought of somebody that once made me so happy, being in so much pain.

I don't know if i've "come to terms" with it now, but something like that. Maybe i'm just holding on to the idea that she's finally at peace now.

That's what she deserves, peace. She fought really hard, not only against herself and her own struggles but she fought for the things and causes that she believed in and that are so important for so many people and society. I know she made a change, i saw it, i know she IS the change.

I love her. I love her so much.

My Jinri, I'll love you forever.

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Paulina to Maria José:

Mi amor, mi cielo, mi princesa.

Me: *10 years added to lifespan*

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me: i like this character

person: ok

me: no you dont understand

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me: look at this book i just bought!

someone: ive been meaning to read that let me know how it is!

me: bold of you to assume i’ll read this right away and not let it sit on my shelf for ten years

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(1/2) Random question, but why do you think LGBT literature is so often YA? I'm not dissing YA, many great works are found there, and LGBT kids do need to have their literature fix and representation. However, I'm 25 years old, I'm no longer a young adult, and I want more... I don't know, complex? Narratives with LGBT characters and/or by LGBT creators. Not trying to be an elitist here lol that's just how I feel. I went thru your GoodReads account real quick, but I didn't see a non-YA LGBT

 (2/2) a non-YA LGBT books shelf. Do you have any? I’m dying for non-YA LGBT books. Thanks!

There is a lot of YA LGBT out there - but it’s not all that, I promise, as someone with the exact same feeling as you who searches out non YA wherever I can. I am slowly coming around to YA again, after a few years of avidly avoiding it, but I do still hunger for characters my own age. Anyway..These are my goodreads LGBTQA that aren’t YA, with my favourites bolded:

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller A Portable Shelter by Kirsty LoganThe Rental Heart and Other Fairytales by Kirsty LoganNightwood by Djuna BarnesAnything by Sarah Waters. That’s not the title, but almost all her books count. Giovanni’s Room by James BaldwinThe Colour Purple by Alice WalkerIf Not, Winter: Fragments of SapphoThe Morning Star by M ChandlerTin Man by Sarah Winman Fried Green Tomatoes At The Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg Her Body and Other Parties by Maria Carmen MachadoThe Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall Vixen by Rosie Garland Frog Music by Emma Donoghue Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z BriteThe Picture of Dorian Grey, by Oscar Wilde

I would personally also add If We Were Villains by M.L Rio. University age protagonists, but I feel there’s a difference between not-old protagonists and YA. I’d also argue that anything from the 20-25 age group is NA, or New Adult, but anyway, as YA by definition technically stops at 18 but I give it up to 20.

There are other books, but because I don’t always flag books with LGBT characters if it’s not any significant part of the plot they may be missed off the list. For example, cough (yes I am finding a way to mention it) The Darker Shades Of Magic series by V.E Schwab has a m/m side romance or The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. Also not YA. Just saying…

As for your question, I think there are a number of reasons. 

I think it’s because YA is more marketable at the moment, especially for diversity. Young people want to read diverse books. It’s harder to mass market sell to adults when you get the huge crowds of adults who are still resistant against LGBT novels. Teenagers are well known for their obsessive phases which also makes it easier to consistently sell books to them in a series. 

If you believe this article about the key difference between middle grade (the age before YA) fiction and YA fiction, which I do, they make the point that YA fiction is all about characters discovering their place in the world. That’s why you get so many teenagers with the big destinies. It probably also ties into why you get the LGBT stuff - it’s a time for figuring out oh I don’t like talking about boys like my friends do. Further to do this, romance is drilled into YA audiences. That links it well with LGBT stories because of the assumption that to know a character is LGBT there must be a romance in the book and YA is aaalll about the romance.  

I also think that a lot of the more recent YA LGBT releases are by authors who didn’t get to read those books when they were YA so now want to make those books for the younger generation.

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g_magnifica | Do not edit

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“Tell that to my daddy issues.”

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Jueun x THE STAR

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“Your past four husbands have died under suspicious circumstances, ma’am.  That’s an unfortunate trend there.”

“Dying is an unfortunate trend, officer.  I don’t know what you expect me to say.”

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Jueun & Chaeyeon x THE STAR

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Me, plotting my novel while in the shower:

Me, remembering everything I thought of when I sit down to type:

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will you go out with me? - dia

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