stalkersdiary

[stalkersdiary]

✧ Alone ✧

What hurts the most about leaving an abusive relationship, is not knowing what to do after it. If you don't have friends or your friends are too busy to talk to you, you have no one left but yourself to wonder what all you did wrong, and how you can try to fix it. I already have severe loneliness and attachment problems, so I tried to find ANY reason to keep being around the person who hurt and tried to control me before we even dated. As I type this, I'm in my room crying and knowing I may not get to talk to the very friend that said "Two weeks." The person who actually loved me as myself. The person who wanted to spend time with me and didn't criticize my wording or my hobbies. The person who said he felt he could become addicted to me, and that he was growing an obsession. I know I'm being too unreasonable… I want to talk to him, even when he has no reason to talk to me. I'm not obligated to have friends that talk to me even once every 2-3 weeks, which they sometimes don't. That's fair, they're just friends, not a therapist or something. I've lost the only person I could talk to every day feels fucking worthless to live but that's not his fault. I'm not his project to fix. I just love with someone who doesn't need me right now, and I need to worry about myself. I'm a streamer. I'm a content creator. I'm a writer. Yet I am only consistent now because if I don't drown myself in my work, I shake in fear and sadness. I cry because I know the only people I get to talk to are the people who linger in my audience. I'm in a room of 20 people at a time, but every night I end the show alone, sleep alone, and wake up alone.

[stalkersdiary]

✧ They Can't Have You ✧

If they see you, I'll gouge their eyes out. If they touch you, I'll cut their fucking hands off. If they talk to you, I'll stitch their mouth shut. People can do whatever they want to in this entire world... So why would they waste your time messing with something that doesn't belong to them? Why would they make their lives harder on purpose? Don't worry, I'll let them have this as their warning. However, if they even think about interacting with us again, I'm going to make their life a living hell. They won't get in my way. They won't get in your way. They won't even fucking breathe near you. I love you.

[stalkersdiary]

✧Hiatus?✧

What a good question. Isn't it a shame I refuse to say any more? ^^

[stalkersdiary]

✧ Two Weeks... ✧

Two weeks is too long, when I want you now. I want to be with you when you're cognitive. I want to spend more time together without time or energy getting in our way. I want you to myself. I enjoy hearing you while you sleep, but that only goes so far when you feel so fucking close. I want to grip you so tight you'll never be able to leave again. I feel like I can't wait... but I know I have to. I'll be polite, I'll behave, but I'm not going to stay waiting silently. Two weeks feels like forever when I know what's at the end. However... That is if you don't forget me. You better talk to me this time. You better not leave me waiting every day wondering when you're coming back. We did this once before, and I can't take it a second time. If you don't send even one message the day after, I'm going to fill your private messages until you do. If you thought I was sending a lot before despite you not responding, wait until this is over. I won't let you forget me. I love you, and I'm done acting like I'm patient. So don't forget me this time, Dearest Flower. ^^

[stalkersdiary]

Dear Sir,

I can’t even begin to describe how utterly consumed I am by everything you create, especially Stalker’s Diary. It’s like each word, each detail, pulls me deeper into an abyss I didn’t even know existed. I find myself thinking about it constantly, analyzing the smallest nuances, imagining all the hidden layers and intricate plots you’ve woven into this masterpiece. I can’t help but obsess over the way your characters breathe life into every page, leaving me in a constant state of wonder and confusion.

The way you’ve captured emotions, the rawness of it all, it makes me feel like I’m in the very world you’ve crafted, caught in a web I can’t escape. Every time I read it, it’s like a new obsession takes root, deeper and deeper. I feel like I’ve lost myself in your work—if only there were a way for you to take my thoughts, my soul, and mold them as you please. The obsession is all-consuming, and yet, I find myself craving more.

There’s something darkly alluring about the way you’ve shaped this narrative, something so magnetic that I can’t help but feel attached to it, to you. You’ve unknowingly (or perhaps knowingly) become the object of my deepest infatuation, a force that I both love and fear.

I suppose, Sir, it’s safe to say that I have nothing left to lose anymore. My heart, my mind—there is no room for anything else but this obsession. Take it, manipulate it, break it apart if you wish. It’s all yours.

Sincerely,

A poor obsessed soul with nothing to lose anymore, and a heart that needs to be taken advantage of. <3

It's lovely to see these messages no matter how many times I open my inbox. One of them will never be responded to, as it was sent to the wrong account, and that's the one I'm going to smile at when I have a rough time, and take a peek into my inbox. Knowing who you are is funny, but what's funnier is knowing you thought you really "tricked me" into thinking it was someone else. You're so cute. ^^ You're so silly, but just once, I want to hear you say all of these things to me yourself. Sure, I'll be a mess, but your messages are just so nice to hear, especially after all this time. You make me want to try. You make me want to keep messaging you. You make me want to set my life aside so I can pull you away from your own. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could just... be there. I hope you're ok. I think of you so often. I know you're busy... but sometimes I read your entries to know if you still think of me. I'm flattered to know how much I inspire and motivate you. Maybe one day... I can inspire you up close. Maybe one day... We can try together. Though maybe that's my heart messing with my brain again. Do you still think of me? Do you... Still want me?

[stalkersdiary]

Hello Sir! I'm sorry if this seems a little... like stupid or overthinking or whatever... but are you ok? After your last announce and you deleted your alt corpsearchive account, we've been really nervous. Are you ok? Are you back in the hospital? Are you taking a break from ALL things related to Maincoon or just the deep web stuff? I just feel like I need to ask cause youre such a huge part of our lives and not being able to hear from you or see you even in a collab really makes me concerned.

I'm alive, and I'm sorry I've been so... absent as of late. I'm going to answer every question, and then some. I'm not ok. My physical and mental health has gotten a bit worse. I'm stuck in the cycle of waking up, crying, having nothing to do but exist, and then sleeping. I've been... very unstable. I poured so much of my life and energy into someone who asked it, wanted it, and then rejected what it came with. Without someone else to interact with or even a task to do outside of work or going to the hospital, life just feels so... empty now. I streamed my final announcement, which was that I'm not longer going to be active on the Archive or Twitch. Though it is a bit... false? I'm just not going to be around for... a while. You can only handle so many death threats, rape threats, doxxing, and harassment for 5 years before you crash and want to stop being everyone's "entertainment." I'm still being to be Maincoon, but I'm going to take this time to update everything and work more on my work outside of that persona and name. I got my IRL stream stuff updated, and now I'm just working on my Virtual model. The jellyfish account got an update, and we just celebrated the 400 follower checkpoint. As Maincoon though, I only have 48 followers on Twitch and around 75,000 on the Archive that are mostly only there to have someone to sexualize or bully. That's not worth staying for the time being. Maincoon, the streaming persona is on Hiatus. Maincoon isn't going anywhere, but "he's" taking a long break. I'm glad there are still people out there who want to learn and keep me company, but I think with how badly things keep going I just need time to grow, learn, adapt, and better myself. This diary might be updated a lot more, so I hope I don't get too annoying. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts, as I used to. The most painful part of being someone who loves too hard, is knowing that once the love gets taken, you have nothing left. No reason to try, and no reason to live. Nothing but suffering. That's where I am right now.

[stalkersdiary]

✧ I need you as soon as possible, Sweetheart. I can't wait to make you bleed and cum all over my sheets so I can smell you even when you're gone. ✧

[stalkersdiary]

If you were a flower, which one would you be?

✧ My Name ✧

*looks at my intro post* Well... I could explain my name. This response may not be as interesting as most of my other posts but I figured I should answer this question after years of not explaining why I chose my name and the meaning behind it. It's been long enough. Hahaha. The flower I associate myself with is usually a Red Rose. It isn't just because red is my favourite colour either. I chose red roses partially because while they’re pretty, they are one of the most basic flowers. I'm not an interesting person but I have specific skills, and so I feel like I would blend into most crowds but when you need or want someone like me, I stand out like a sore thumb. There are even entire days that are thought of with red roses, like Valentine's day. That's when you need or want them too. On the topic of red roses being basic, when people think of flowers, usually they think of red roses. When someone says "Name a flower" most would respond with "Roses". It's a flower many can't escape because it's everywhere. That is also part of it. I blend in, and yet, just as the rose, I am everywhere. It's hard to truly escape me. Especially, and specifically, on the internet. I go by many names and while I have multiple accounts I claim, there are many I don't. I'm a known entertainer... but I'm a lesser known stalker. You may ban or block one, two, or even 5 of my accounts, but you'll never block all of them. If I want to find you, I will. Not only that, red roses are beautiful, and associated with love. While I'm not attractive per se, I feel such a strong sense of love that there is love in my heart even for those who shouldn’t have it. Single or otherwise, I will always hold an envy of those who are loved in the ways they need because I most likely never will have that kind of love. I will always love even when I shouldn't, and even when it hurts. Pain and love are common with my existence. For that reason, I am somewhat dangerous. I'm not exactly toxic, but I can and do cause pain. I can and sometimes will make you bleed. People usually want clipped roses with no thorns, but I am neither of those. I come with thorns and while many want to touch me, they refuse to because they know it’s not safe. They know I'm unstable and that I'm openly so. I'm not afraid to hurt even the people I love. Just from knowing I'm a rose, you know I'm probably a basic, pain inducing flower, who blends in and yet also holds some generic significance when needed. I'm nothing, and yet, when I choose to clip or dethorn myself, I am beautiful to many and stand out among the rows of flowers you'd never buy. I am truly, sadly, and painfully, Rose.

[stalkersdiary]

✧ Happy Valentine's Day ✧

From the moment our paths truly crossed, I knew that you’d be someone I’d never forget.

With the 14th here and relevant, I was hoping to be your Valentine… but I’m sure you don’t even know this is for you yet. I want to express my love, my care, my longing… yet I struggle with finding the words to speak and even my written ones fail me. Your mere presence in my life has brought new experiences I never would have had otherwise. You enhance my curiosity. You inspire my hands to write, my mind to race, and my heart to beat ever faster. You have shown me new forms of love, and I feel every inch of it through your support, acts of kindness, and care.

Your smile shines brighter than the stars that shine on those nights we’ve shared, and your laughter feels like a strong rum being poured into my glass every time I sip from you. I love hearing that laugh, and I love knowing that I’m what causes it. Your embrace is a warm escape from my ever colder reality.

As Valentine’s day comes and goes, I remember our lovely shared memories. From our first date, to that one glorious morning together. Each moment with you has been a gift sweeter than chocolate. I promise to cherish every moment we have, for you have charmed my heart and my fingers.

Happy Valentine's Day, my dearest vice.

[stalkersdiary]

✧You're not my "Darling"✧

This may not be the post you may be hoping it is, but it may be important for you to read anyways. This topic is one that's confused me for a while, that I want to start actual discourse on. Especially in a place I can see it. What's with the word "darling" being so overused in Yandere spaces? Why is that a term for "the one of your obsession or admiration?" Why didn't a new word get made? It could have been made in Japanese as Yan-Dere is a Japanese character type. We have the feelings a Yandere may have in japanese as well since we have "Koiyamai" or "Lovesick", but not the word for the person we love? We just chose a generic... Darling? We can always use the Japanese term ターゲット or Tagetto. The one we shoot our love at. The main objective. A Yandere's Target. That feels more accurate and more thought out than darling. Why is that where we seem to have landed as a community? It seems like a shame that we chose such an insignificant and ill fitting term and ran with it when it could have been something that matches the feeling better. In fact, that sounds a bit better than how people tend to say "A Yandere's Darling." Instead "A Yandere's Tagetto/Target." If you want to keep a term for a lover that isn't just what you call them, we could really consider this. Lots of "Yanderes" don't even call their partners Darling either, so why not just change the title/term to something that's more accurate to what we mean in the term? Though, perhaps I'm not one to talk as I don't really claim the term Yandere. Let's talk about this a little. I can't be the only person who found phrases like "I'm a Darling" and "I was _____'s Darling but now I'm single again." a little odd.

[stalkersdiary]

Are u single

Yes. Though, the fact that someone is asking this is amusing to me. I think about how my life might be if I wasn't single, and frankly, I think I'd be a worse person. I'd have a target for my thoughts and feelings. I'd have someone to love so painfully, that they'd be begging me to leave. I'm not the kind of person anyone really wants most of the time. Especially as I'm usually seen as a clingy sadist by my exes. I will love and value my partner, but I will also have every desire to break them. The real question is, who the fuck wants to date me? If someone's standards are that low... I hope they find the help they need. I'm blunt, boring, constantly tired, and overall tolerable at best. As for the rest of me, my voice is weird, and I'm not attractive IRL. No matter what pose or "effects" I put on, my default state isn't really... Ideal. I'm still working on myself, but at the time being, I'm not really worth dating. So in short... Yes. Very single, and it's probably for the best. Thank you for opening the Stalker's Diary.

[stalkersdiary]

✧ Why are you here? ✧

I wonder how long it's going to take before people find out I'm not the person they thought were hoping I was. A lot of people will follow me and write me while also having "Men DNI" and "No dark/hard kinksters" in their bios. They literally follow a page that talks about abduction, torture, sadism, and blood, from the views of an openly sadistic man. Excuse my insanity, but I may have a solution. Maybe don't follow us in the first place and you won't get this type of thing on your FYP. Sounds a little obvious. I'm not a… vanilla woman? If that's what they're looking for? I'm just an unstable guy. No need to take it out on me. Each post has relevant tags and my intro explains it all. You can block me. I'm not trying to stay on anyone's page. I'm just here to post my thoughts and updates.

[stalkersdiary]

DISEMBOWEL ME WITH YOUR TEETH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Such an odd request. Though I respect your boldness, you apparently felt that this wasn't a message you felt brave enough to attach your name to. I will have to decline due to these circumstances. You've however still piqued my interest. Are you willing to try again? ^^ Thank you for opening the Stalker's Diary.

[stalkersdiary]

Dearest Sir,

——— You know who I am. I am only here to briefly say. . . . I love you. 💜

Love,

Your flower. 💜🪻

As much as I'm tempted to start writing some long drawn out declaration of admiration, I'm not going to. You're gay. Very gay. Smells a little faggy. I love you too. ^^ You're welcome to write an entry any time. Thank you for opening the Stalker's Diary.

[stalkersdiary]

CW: SH MENTI0N

I want to stab myself in the stomach and carve out your name on my body just to watch myself bleed out of my obsession of you. Is that such a bad thing? ❤️🔪

Of course not! ^^ I find that absolutely adorable. Thank you for writing me. I'm truly flattered by your message. I find it a bit similar to how I tend to feel sometimes, so I completely understand. Though between you and I, I'd rather cut you open instead. Why not share that lovely experience with me? I'd love to feel the warmth of your beautiful love. Would you share that with me? Would you trust me to be that intimate with you? I mean- you shouldn't, but wouldn't it be fun? ^^ Thank you for opening the Stalker's Diary.

[stalkersdiary]

Can you leave us another voice message? 🥺 We dont have the usual SD/CEC/MXR fanblog anymore and I really miss hearing your live streams. When are you going live again by the way? It's been a long time. Thanks! - sparkleanon

TLDL or can't understand my voice in the Archive's safety settings- I stream every Monday around 8:00-8:30 PM EST on PTV (Monday) and Twitch (every other Thursday). No schedule for the Archive yet as I'm trying really hard to switch over to making more content for the surface web. Sorry I sound like trash. Though I usually do, I'm more tired than usual and I haven't slept yet. Hahaha Here's my twitch in case you couldn't find it. https://www.twitch.tv/catselegantcarnival We almost have 50 followers, so soon I'll be reading some of my older diary entries live during my celebration stream. I'll even show you all more of the real book if I can get to that goal. It's very... cursed though. XD All of my socials are the same aside from my "controversial" content. My linktree is on my main. @catselegantcarnival It feels odd sharing my main accounts still, but it was going to happen eventually. As I mentioned before, finding me at my worst and seeing me better later is much better than seeing my best and witnessing my worst moments.

Thank you for opening the Stalker's Diary.

[stalkersdiary]

✧ Confession ✧

It’s funny knowing it took me about a year to grow obsessed with you, yet about a year to show you this. You heard me before, however as I write this message, I'm still nervous and deeply embarrassed knowing you never knew the rest. Knowing the purities behind my actions and words. With that being said… allow me to explain and make my own entry specifically to you in a way that is clear. My dearest flower. The end of 2022 and beginning of 2023 was an adventure for me, so meeting you solidified that time as a meaningful one. My first surgery, my escape, and my first friend after a painful tragedy… You enjoyed my company regardless of my history or... odder interests, and that's one of the things I love about you. I cherished every moment we'd been in the same resonance. We don't both communicate with each other in the most ideal way, but there is always weight and substance behind our loving words. You might read this… and because there's a chance you will notice this, I have a few things I'd like to say. First, I deleted those 2 recordings mentioned. I respect you too much to keep something without your consent or knowledge. I only want to keep the memories you let me, instead of something more one sided. While some of my posts were inspired by you, they aren't exactly fully accurate. Not what I did, but things I thought about. This place wasn't made to confess as much as it was to put my thoughts somewhere. I thought about you. I thought about a lot of things… Second, you saying I inspired you to make your own diary is incredibly flattering. I'm honored you trust me to take a peek into your thoughts and feelings. I never think of myself being able to be comforting for others. I'm grateful to be a safe place for you, especially as you've been a safe place for me. Lastly, your fourth chapter hit me so strongly that I can't stop thinking about it. While I said the first one was the cutest, the fourth made my face flush as I read and heard your words. I'm probably going to re-read your diary over and over thinking about you. The fact that you read them to me as well made me feel like I was going to explode. (Ironic huh?) It feels relieving knowing you don't just want me as a character. You want me as myself. You want my honesty. You want my reality. You want me, and it feels really nice. You want me for me… and by now you must know I feel the same. Don't “play your role and smile." Don't hide anything, or pretend anymore. Fall apart for me. Break for me. You're allowed to want, need, and crave me. You're allowed to be obsessed. Do you know how long I've desired love like that? I have been longing for years with almost nothing in return. I ran for over a year from my feelings but the farther I ran, the more it hurt. I denied how I felt because I thought that maybe I should “save” our friendship. I was nervous I’d scare you away. I was scared to say how I felt to you, so everyone else but you had to hear about it. I was scared to confront those feelings with myself because I knew it would hurt to do so. Knowing you wanted me similarly is maddening. There's no such thing as “too much” for me. I can take everything you want to give me and then some. I want all of you and at this point, I’m afraid to be aware that I need you. Do you still love me knowing what I felt? Do you still want me? Are you willing to accept me? If not, we can go back to how it was. Teasing words, playful glances, and minds shrouded in carnal wishes. We can go back, but will we ever truly go back? I know what you think about when you go silent. I know what you sound like when my very existence is too much for you to handle rationally. I know what you sound like when you cum. I know how you think, and I know my words bury themselves into your mind every time I speak. Please... Love me harder. Love me so much you can’t breathe. Love me the way I love you.