standupforyurself

[standupforyurself]

Hi.

It’s been a year and a half. I remembered not long ago this BD I made at the time. Unfinished. 

I remember the day I stopped been actively involved this Moomin content. A lots a thing stopped that day. I used to relate to Snufkin, a lot. For a bunch of things. But this day changed so much things in me that all these stuffs which made me related with Snufkin.. Suddently were lost ? 

I used to think a lot about longing. How to deal with it ? How to accept it ? How to make it disappear ? What was maturity ? What was selfishness ? How to tell the difference between being selfish and having needs ? And I used to think a lot about  watching someone leave and having no choice but let them go, because they are nothing you can do about it. 

I imagine I grew up. I grew up. Things are differents now, and, for few of them, I’m glad they have been change. 

I still longing, sometimes. About life before Covid, before this night, before the medicine. About the friends I used to have, about the possibilty to talk every day to someone IRL if I wanted to. 

I am longing for one of my friend  tonight,  again. I can only hope things stops to be weird, to be off. In a way difficult to explain. I feel that I watch them leave. Slowly but surely. And everything I try,  to talk to them, to try understand them, to be here for them, to support them, it goes wrong. Again, they are no solution. Not from me, because I don’t think the problem came from me. 

Relationship are so fragiles. They are a lot. A lots of words and a lots of sincerity, and a desir to do right. But again, things fell apart. Words became lies. And promises are not kept. They are no good or bad. Just sometimes things stop to be aligned, to feel right. No matters how I want it to work. 

I know am I dramatic. But after this year. I can hope that nobody blame me for the pain I have to watch one of my two friends I can talk everyday, drift away. Both of them are.. So much.. To me. Watching one of them go away from my life is already way too much for me. I love being alone. But when I chose to be. There no choice here. I am so alone. Again and again and again and again. Every day. 

Even with the presence of my parents, bless them, they are days when I seriously wonder if they are possibilities that I die from loneliness. 

I am so emotionnaly vulnerable. Yet my mum say that she never see me so strong and capable to keep feet into reality and not drowning me into the darkness of my mind. I thought about it. And I think it is about resilience. I developped a capacity of resilence. Maybe I’m more mature too. 

Yes I’m strong. But they are so few lights in my life for the past months. And don’t get me wrong I cherish each of them. But they are so few, it can’t garantee me security. It leads me to put maybe too much of myself into these two relationship. In fact, into every interaction I have on Tumblr. Cause I came to accept that almost all my social life is here now. It is so unstable. I expect myself to act like an adult, with maturity and self preservation. But I feel I have so little emotionnal security ! Yeah ! If I lost my two friend, how will I gonna do hein ? How can I expect to be rationnal and mature if I don’t even have the possibity to call or text casually a friend for telling them what’s up, what’s going on ! It is too much asking from life ? Do I fucking demand too much attention ?! Do I ask too much ?! 

I am sick ! Sick this shitty worldwide situtation !! I feel trapped ! Trapped into my small world I have to content myself with ! I want to leave ! To discover ! To hug ! To impulsively reach a friend outside my city, and spend time with them ! I want to travel ! I want to love ! I want to say “I love you” ! I want to say “fuck you” ! I want to go in class and learn and be friend with my classmates ! I want see what I don’t know ! See that life is more than what I have now ! I want to party ! I want to go into bars and laugh with the loud music shacking my heart ! I want to travel ! 

I want to fly. 

This BD is about letting someone go. But honestly, see wat you want to see. I will never finish it. Maybe it has a good ending. Or maybe not ? What is a good ending anyway ? Sometimes people drift away for better met again when the time come. 

[standupforyurself]

Soon the sea. 

[standupforyurself]

It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope. 

Because there’s no corona in Moominvalley. Peace ! 

[standupforyurself]

Let’s fill Moominvalley with crimes, c’mon !

[standupforyurself]

It’s spring 

You're the soul who understands 

The scars that made me who I am 

Through the drifting sands of time 

I got your back and you got mine

[standupforyurself]

Hi ! 

I know I’m supposed to work on my film, but with the corona stuff, all I can do is moomins fanarts. 

When we're far apart 

Or when you're near me 

Love me with all of your heart 

As I love you

 And don't give me your love 

For a moment or an hour 

Love me always like you've loved me 

From the start

[standupforyurself]

Hi

Working a lot on my portfolio and other stuff for next year, plus school projects, and huge presentations. But it’s fine, it keeps be busy, and I am in my comfort zone. I feel I can do all this work, because I have enough skills and I know how to do this stuff. I am in control. It’s nice. Maybe I can get the school I want. Maybe I’ll be refused. Uhg. Life. 

[standupforyurself]

I always told myself that I never, never talk to my parents about my gender identity. Because I don’t want to face their reaction. Because the cis person I am to my parents is entirely accepted, and I can live with that, even if it’s just an illusion. But today I had the proof that talking about gender identity with them is a really, really bad idea. And it hurts to have the confirmation of that. 

I could never tell my parents I’m enby. And it sucks. I don’t care if some people tell labels are useless and confusing. I fucking need labels. Plenty of people needs labels.  For me, my gender identity is not only something personnal, but also something social. Pronouns are a social thing.

Urg, Anyway it doesn’t make much sense I guess. 

[standupforyurself]

Can’t believe I sold this sticker in my school without having any troubles with the administration. I’m still waiting for problems to happen.

Because Snufkin said Trans Rights. No cops at pride just Snufkin. 

[standupforyurself]

Okay guys. Now it’s time to move my ass and be productive. Try, at least. I made a schedule of work I have to do until june, 28. I’m gonna work and be graduate or I’ll die for it. I’m gonna go to fucking therapie cause I fucking need it, and I gonna live fucking great moments with people I like before my life enters into the unknow. I’m gonna prove to myself I am more than a dead weight too insecure and emotionnaly instable. Fuck it. Fuck everything. And if I fail, then at least I’ll kown I’ve tried. And that’s all. 

Go.

Fight.

Win.

[standupforyurself]

”Damnit beautiful moomintroll.”

Or : Snufkin doesn’t known how to deal with such cuteness.

[standupforyurself]

The small beast

[standupforyurself]

And ultimately I believe we'll be okay 

It's so cliché to say these things, 

but repetition is a key

I think I'm better when I'm with you 

But I worry when you're gone

I think I need to learn to love myself 

I must learn to be strong

------------

This animatic is woke. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8_MlQ2KNWY

By MAO, on the song of Khaidreams, Ultimately

[standupforyurself]

[standupforyurself]

I found this drawing in my folder “Unfinished drawings moomins” and I decided to just.. Post it anyway. 

It’s fall guy !

[standupforyurself]

Snufkin has wings. Again.

[standupforyurself]

Here you are. October. 

Fly high