starlostinasewer

[starlostinasewer]

Childish outburst.

I wake up tired, trying to do all the chores I can as you still haven't woken up.

Minutes later I'm breaking down, trying to explain how I feel, only to be repeated the things I do wrong.

You don't realise it's wrong, but with every phrase, she includes a "I did *this* for you", "I suffer *this* everyday", "I've done the same for you all the time".

And you cry and scream, and I feel like the villain, even though I just wanted you to leave me alone. I wasn't it a good mood, you knew it, but you "treated me the way I treat you".

Forgive me for not knowing what to do when you're bad, for not reading between the lines, for not being the empathy profesional. But stop pretending you have done more for me because you haven't.

Everytime I speak about something I care you chime in with "I've suffered that before, I've been there before", like you've lived 90 years even though you're 17.

You don't realise it but you take everything as an offense, yet not allow people to criticise what you do as as offense. You speak ill, your words are always mean and rarely I hear you say something nice about me.

But its fine, remind me of the things I did bad when I was a teenager. Tell me all over again how you resent me for that time when I was 14 and I insulted you. I'm such a bad sibling, and you take so much care of me.

Even though you don't. You've rarely hugged me when I cried or taken my troubles seriously. Everytime you say "I care", "I take care of you", through your teeth I know you don't mean it, yet I'm supposed to believe it's the truth.

So again, tell me I'm screaming when I'm not, tell me I'm a horrible person for feeling how I feel, tell me over and over again how I need help but how *you* need it more than me because your life sucks so much.

Sometimes I wish I could end it all and show you I'm suffering in silence.

[starlostinasewer]

An eternal goodbye to my child self.

I've always been a cheerful person.

Ever since I could talk, express emotions and socialise with others, I've been happy, loud, and expressive.

As I grew older I realised people began seeing me as weird instead of fun, obnoxious instead of friend material.

I've been told multiple times; "Well, just be yourself! Good friends will always stick by your side no matter what! They'll love you no matter what!"

I realised those words are just words you tell someone to make them feel better.

People only love you if you meet certain criteria. I know this because I was only spoken to if I had something people wanted. When I was young, it was the innocence. The innocence of being 13 and being that loud, obnoxious and trusting child.

As my first year of practice comes around, with my 20th birthday in hand, I realised that I can't be that person anymore. It's not cute anymore. It's not sexy anymore. No one is enjoying it anymore.

I now see that the only way I'll have a future and I'll be able to be someone is if I'm able to control these impulsive feelings and become the perfect citizen.

That's just growing up.

You have to keep your child self inside your room forever.

[starlostinasewer]

From scratch.

Relationships of all kinds always come to an end.

But realising the people you trusted blindly turned out to be vile and disgusting behind your back is the worst way to end things.

It's over, but what now?

Everytime the clock ticks and it marks the end of another bond, I never seem to find enough time to let it go. I forget about it when I have new connections and it fades back into my brain when those connections break.

What am I supposed to do now? Completely alone, missing those "good morning" and "good night" texts, and feeling like I could finally speak. Only it was a lie I made to myself.

What now? Should I try to talk? But what if I'm too annoying? What if I don't stick in conversations? What if I desperately try and fail miserable? What will I do now?

What if, it resounds on my head, echoing with such a sad voice.

I'm tired.

[starlostinasewer]

Pretend I was never something more.

After a long chat with my lover's mutual friend, I couldn't keep that secret anymore. Hearing their tears was painful, and I cannot imagine how it had to feel being in love with someone who constantly taunts you like a puppet on a string, yet is so careless and selfish that they're not able to talk about their relationships.

My partner had told me that I wasn't as important as Best friend, it hurt me, however I'm already used to being the second place.

A phone call changed that whole perspective in a second. My world had gone upside down and from under my nails I felt the pain of the realisation. Me and Best friend were treated the same way.

Did I tell them I was dating my partner? Yes I did. Even if it went against my partner's wishes, I wouldn't be the second place anymore. The more we spoke, the more I asked myself; is this even worth it anymore?

So I break up with them, it was a one liner and a block on every site that I could think of. Harsh? Sure. But there's nothing I wanted more than to make them suffer. Unfortunately I did not get the sweet taste of revenge, it's not time for dessert.

Best friend sends me screenshots because they know I broke up with my now former partner, yet everything seems so normal. It's like me leaving had never happened.

Same day, my former lover sends an "appreciation letter" to Best friend. It all hurts.

I wished you could know how much pain I have and how much I hate you, sugar.

[starlostinasewer]

i love it

[starlostinasewer]

When I think about my relationship with my partner...

I'm aroace. That's something I've struggled years to understand and it's still weird to think I'm aromantic.

I'm in "romantic" relationships sometimes because I feel a connection, not quite like that romantic feeling I wished I could describe, but just a deep connection with someone.

My partner and I are pretty close and we talk for hours and exchange romantic chatter. But I know I'm not their number one person, even though they want me to feel some sort of attraction when I'm not even their favorite person. Isn't that sad? To not even be your favorite person's number one?

"Why are you still with them?" I think that a lot sometimes. But to be honest, it's because I don't want to be completely lonely even if I feel alone.

[starlostinasewer]

I think what hurts me the most right now is the fact that i know I'll never be someone's number one, and it's a feeling that sucks but the only thing I can do is accept it.

It's sad that I'm not my best friend's best friend, but it's even sadder that I'm not even my lover's most important person, their best friend is.

You could say I'm the plan B.

[starlostinasewer]

hi, my name is star.

Im 19 and i like project sekai. Im also into vocaloid and other fandoms.

I've been dealing with loneliness and not being able to talk out what i feel and about my problems. It feels like i would inconvenience people if i spoke out. Thats why im creating this little blog. I want some place to just talk.

Its a bit loser of me, im a legal adult and i have no strong and long friendships and i spend my days playing project sekai. I would like some people to read what i have to say, and maybe give me solutions, but honestly im not expecting that much. Thank you for reading this if you did.