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[stdyn]

I want him in my arms

I want my face on his chest

His arms wrapped around me

My hands on his face

My lips on him, anywhere on him

Our cheeks pressed together

My hands in his hair

I want him

I want him

I want him

And I have him, but not in my arms.

1/July/2023

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Core memories:

Many of them for me, from before, are tainted,

with unloving hands,

with hurt and heartache.

But now,

now I have ones smudged with laughs and littered with kisses.

Times embedded in my memory for the pure joy, happiness and contentedness I felt for and in those moments.

-Dancing with a girl I was once scared would judge me, and dancing with her without any reserve, just friendship

-Listening to my step-brother laugh next to me on the plane, a reality I never even dreamt of before

-Dancing with a boy I’ve never truely know for years, and then that dance leading to love, and more dancing, in the kitchen, in the rain, hand in hand, heart in heart

-Walking out of exams that are going to get me to University, to further education, to the life I want and to a life I never thought attainable.

As I look back on only a handful of these core memories I think back to times huddling scared in my dark room. Times long ago, times where I thought I was running out of time because of this pressing need to get out and be anywhere but here. Because whilst being here I couldn’t ever be happy like I wanted, right?

I hope young me can see, I hope she can feel the love threatening to tear its way out of my heart, out of my throat, and spill past my lips every time I see those people I brought into my life. I hope little me recognises that those times of sadness won’t go away but will instead be flooded with immense loads of love. I hope little me knows her strength in those times of heartache are responsible for the happiness I feel every day now.

1/July/2023

[stdyn]

“You never fail until you stop trying.”

— Albert Einstein