stephbelsky

[stephbelsky]

A Retraction & Apology: Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.

This is the follow up post from this photo and is the ultimate lesson of “you don’t know the whole story.”

This is a screenshot of the text messages I received from the guy I thought with absolute certainty I had met Wednesday night. The guy I was convinced had insulted me to my face and shamed and humiliated me and took one of my inevitable ‘bad first date stories’ to a new level that was completely outrageous. The previous text I received said that in spite of him thinking I stood him up, he still wanted to meet me. And that's when I realized, upon calling him out for wearing a stupid hat, that none of what transpired on Wednesday night, this incredibly outrageous story, none of it was true. He clearly was not wearing a hat and provided me with an oddly specific description of his attire.

The guy who I was late for a date with Wednesday night (half hour, not 45 minutes to be exact) was NOT in fact the guy who was sitting at the bar with some random woman he "just met" while waiting for me to show up. The guy I was supposed to meet Wednesday night had told me he made a 7:30pm reservation at the restaurant. When I arrived, the hostess had no reservation under his name and unbeknownst to me, the guy physically LEFT the restaurant, despite my apologetic voicemails and various texts, because HE assumed he was being stood up. I meanwhile incorrectly assumed he was the guy in that god awful hat because he was talking to, what I had convinced myself in my current state of ridiculousness, was a random chick/his *future wife at the bar (who in hindsight was probably the poor dude's girlfriend or actual wife).

Conveniently, the conversation they were engaged was about how being late is unacceptable, so rude, and shows how little respect and lack of boundaries one has for themselves and others. How people who make work their life have no sense of what it means to live, and that it's one thing to be a little late but to be so "egregiously late... is an asshole move." I eavesdropped, selectively listened, and wrongfully and egotistically assumed the conversation was about me when in reality it clearly was not.

A bit of personal background: My father was always notoriously late. For everything. It upset me but I got used to it and it was just expected throughout my life. That’s of course if he decided to show up at all. I picked up on this terrible pattern of behavior and have proactively attempted to break it: my alarm clock is 30 minutes fast. The digital clock in my car is 10 minutes fast so that I can leave enough time for parking because I live in Los Angeles. I double up on events in my calendar - one is the “official” calendar invite and one is solely for me set for at least 15 minutes earlier than the offical event. I make a very conscious effort to arrive at all business meetings at least 5 minutes earlier; 10 minutes is ideal and I’ve gotten much better. When it comes to my personal commitments however the pattern tends to sneak up on me. Despite these ridiculous efforts, here’s what it all comes down to: respect and boundaries. When you are late for something no matter what the event is, you are basically telling the person / people you are meeting that your time is more valuable than theirs and that you don’t respect their time and you don’t respect them. And though I know I’m worth the wait, I certainly don’t blame the guy I was supposed to meet on Wednesday night for leaving. It was the slap in the face I needed to aknowledge and end this cycle. It’s no excuse, but the reason I was so late was because I had been in meetings and doctor appointments - all of which were running late - and wanted to go home and put on a dress so that I could feel extra pretty for my first date in almost a year after a horrible breakup with a man who ended up being married. More importantly, I put everyone’s time as a priority and did not respect MY own time enough to leave when I needed to in order to go home and get ready for my date without any stress or running late. Because I didn’t have enough respect for myself Wednesday night this all went down and I made 4 people feel like garbage because of my actions. Good, bad, ugly, or hospitalized, I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and it’s only when we can acknowledge, be grateful for, and learn from the things that happen in life that we can truly break patterns of behavior that no longer serve us.

Back to the story: I finally turned around, looked at the couple sitting at the bar, and rudely invited myself into the conversation wtih, "I'm the asshole that was egregiously late, hi there." The guy looked at me for a minute confused, and then disregarded me, the woman looked at me and said, "you're not an asshole...well actually maybe you are” and she too completely disregarded me. Mind you, at no point during the course of this bizarre interaction did I officially introduce myself nor did I ask if this man was in fact THE guy I was supposed to meet because we had never met in-person and I was too ashamed and proud to admit I had NO idea what the guy I was supposed to meet even looked like. All I knew was that he had shaved his head at one point (check- yes, I looked at this other guy long enough to realize he had a shaved head under the hat), has facial hair, when in actuality he doesn’t at least not full on beard which is what this guy clearly has, and had a slight South African accent (oddly, check that box too - and yes, I know what a Johannesburg accent sounds like because at least the guy I was supposed to meet and I spoke on the phone prior to this whole mess).

In his various online dating profile photos, the guy I was supposed to meet Wednesday night, did not have one photo of himself without wearing sunglasses. I didn't even know the color of his eyes. Or if he even had eyes?! (It could happen). And he had long curly hair in every photo. Face blindness, my friends, is only one of the terrible side effects of online dating. Others include: nausea, sore throat, itchy watery eyes, low self-esteem, self-centeredness, feelings of total violation, exhaustion, and a complete disregard for yourself and others. And it is for this reason that upon me obnoxiously jumping into a conversation I wasn't a party to at all with two complete strangers, who just happened to be talking about something that I that I was beating myself up over and projecting onto them, I rightfully got called an asshole. And when the dude in the hat looked at his presumed date and said, "shall we?" that was only because they had a legit reservation at a table. That just so happened to be directly behind me.

Summary: To the couple who’s date I crashed (and burned), I’m sorry. To the guy who I thought I was supposed to meet Wednesday night, I’m sorry. My past bullshit and complete lack of trust in men I’ve dated, played itself out and I very wrongfully took it out you. And maybe you will give me a second chance and if not that’s cool too. To the bartender who gave me a round of old fashioneds on the house thinking this was the most epic dick move to pull on a first date and was nice to me because you felt bad for me, thank you and thank you also for having a girlfriend. To all of you who are reading this crap right now on social media, and who I’ve at some point in our lives been late for, I’m sorry and this still makes one hell of a story. To my future husband (wherever you may be), I’m looking forward to meeting you. And it will be perfect timing when we do. To my father, you are forgiven. I'm sorry you couldn't respect yourself enough to understand that your actions have consequences that effect other people. Thank you for this lesson.

What I found, and still find, most attractive in the guy who I was clearly not supposed to meet on Wednesday night, was the description in his dating profile. Here's what he wrote:

“Believe in love. Love is friendship, empathy, passion, consideration, and loyalty.” He is absolutely right. But if I made be so bold to suggest an amendment, I would add one thing: “Love is respect, for yourself and others.”