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[stolas-number-1-vents]

if the rescue had arrived a moment later

[stolas-number-1-vents]

AN ENDING - 3/?

“No nononononono…” Blitz muttered over and over between sobs and jagged tear filled breaths.

He had no idea how long he lay there sobbing and barely breathing, but it felt like a lifetime. An abandoned and empty lifetime.

How had the day ended up like this? Why was he there crying on the ground, instead of curled, content, in Stolas’s arms?

It had been months. MONTHS! And Stolas had finally wanted to see him… And for what? To tear his fucking heart out? To throw him away?

Blitz shivered. He curled tighter into himself, trying to warm the chill that cut through him to his bones.

Between sobs, he began muttering to himself.

“I can’t do this… I don’t know how to do this… I don’t know how to be without you, Stolas… What was life even LIKE before you were in my life?… I can’t even remember…”

Something about verbalizing his thoughts, eased the weight in his chest.

“I don’t want to remember what life was like without you in it… I need you in my life… You mean more to me than you can possibly imagine…”

As he talked, his body slowly relaxed until he lay limp; all his energy gone.

“And that’s my fucking fault… I should have told you… I never meant to hurt you… I knew I probably would, but I honestly never meant to… I just destroy everything I touch - no matter how much I… I care about it…”

Blitz knew Stolas wasn’t there - wouldn’t ever be there again - but it didn’t matter. It felt good to finally say these things out loud.

“You said you wanted someone to care about you… Well I do… I really fucking DO…”

Blitz squeezed his eyes shut; his heart clenched.

“I should have told you that… Should have fucking told you I love you when I had the chance…”

Blitz buried his face in his hands and cried.

***

Stolas opened his eyes and found himself alone, kneeling, in his mansion’s upstairs hallway. He looked around expecting to find a disaster; the last times his demon had taken over without prompting had ended in massive property damage. But everything was as it should be. Nothing out of place.

Well… That’s one thing that’s gone my way today…

Stolas felt a thrum of power pulse through him like a heartbeat. He clutched at his chest.

He’d never felt his demon so close to the surface before - without being afraid. It put him off balance. This feeling… It was a strange feeling for Stolas. Feeling… Almost WHOLE… It was definitely going to take some getting used to.

I should tell, Bli-

The thought cutoff immediately as his heart crushed in his chest.

Stolas hugged himself tightly, tears stung his eyes. He choked back a sob.

In the past he would have excitedly told Blitz about what happened. He wouldn’t have hesitated to call him or text him to share the news. And Blitz would have listened. Maybe even have been excited for him. But now…

Blitz is gone… I gave him the choice… And… He didn’t want me…

Stolas let himself cry. He was heartbroken - true - but he had been prepared for Blitz to walk away. Just hadn’t been ready for the outburst Blitz gave him… That had ripped him open, letting his demon free.

He sighed between sobs.

Get off the floor… Get yourself together… You knew this might happen… So stop crying in the hallway and go cry in bed like a NORMAL person…

Stolas stood, tired of kneeling on the floor, and headed to his bedroom. He was done with this day. Done feeling his feelings. Done hurting and missing Blitz…

Blitz…

His heart clenched.

I hope Blitz is ok… I hope the portal worked, and he’s safe… DANG IT!

Stolas grabbed his head feathers in his fists, squeezed his eyes shut, and stifled a scream.

STOP IT!… STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!…

Stolas shook his head vigorously, trying to shake the thoughts of Blitz away.

Stop… He doesn’t want you… He doesn’t love you back…

He choked back a sob, feeling his body go numb.

He doesn’t love you…

Stolas released the grip on his feathers and slumped where he stood. He’d made it to his bedroom doors, all he had to do was reach out, turn the doorknob and walk in. It all seemed an impossible task, but somehow he did it. He felt himself open the door and enter his room, all as though someone else controlled his body and he was just a passenger.

He didn’t feel himself in control of his body again until he had removed his cape and was seated on the edge of his bed.

All the memories, good and bad, washed over him. He felt like he was drowning in them all at once.

I cant… I cant stay here…

He stood and rushed to the balcony doors.

Air… I need air…

Stolas grabbed the handles and pulled.

Locked..? Why the FUCK are these locked?!

In the moment he paused to flip the lock, Stolas heard something.

What…?

His heart clenched, his throat closed, and tears rushed down his face.

With a shaking hand, he flipped the lock and opened the doors.

****

[stolas-number-1-vents]

Helluva Boss as textposts part 14/?

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21 / 22

[stolas-number-1-vents]

CW: Long winded vent post, just stuff I need off of my chest.

Life's been shit as of late.

Honestly it might be my fault, or might as well be. I can't seem to cry anymore, seems my body is too tired for that emotion. But what's worse is that I feel numb emotionally speaking. I'm irritable by even the smallest things like the wheel of my chair catching on my desk's leg and not letting me push myself closer to the screen or hell even messing up a sketch line while drawing.

It's awful, I don't like not feeling things but at the same it's almost better than feeling things because I don't have to feel. My laughs are genuine, my smiles sometimes are, but more often than not I find myself just sleeping to pass the time as opposed to more productive things and for some reason the thought of that scares me, that I'm simply napping my early adulthood away (18). Graduation is right around the corner so anxieties were already high as it were and now the realization that I'm falling in to my old self destructive tendency of sleeping the days away simply because I'm too mentally exhausted to fathom anything else.

And worse of all, it all stems from one person, one. Their name won't be disclosed for anonymity's sake, and they're my ex (They/Them). We dated from January to March until they ended up finding someone new that was in closer proximity. I forced myself to be okay with that and then when I had the chance to date them again I jumped at it because even though they'd broken my heart choosing someone else, they were the only person who I'd managed to let my guard down for.

Unfortunately things weren't well and around December 5th last year me and them split for good and sent each other final paragraphs. I ended things civilly, them not so much. They told me I said 'I love you too much', that I was too flirty with them, and that I made them uncomfortable. Now I knew I was innocent because I'd given them multiple opportunities to tell me to stop or to tone it down. Not once did they ever vocalize to me that I was being too much. But worst of all they accused me of pushing them into the relationship and giving them no choice but to date me, which is what fucks me up most and continues to.

Ever since they said that, not only have I been just generally diverted from looking for a relationship almost entirely but I've been driven to point where I'm afraid I'll end up doing that to someone else, or worse, making someone else a rebound.

And while yeah, it's not exactly good to date someone to find a meaning or purpose in life, it feels like it's the only thing that'd help me, and yet I'm too socially awkward to talk to someone irl, not to mention that I have to go through the trial and error of finding someone that at least likes some of the things I like. But I also don't want anymore long distance relationships. They're utterly draining, regardless if I'm head over heels for them like I was with my ex. I guess it's true what they say about first true loves being the ones that hurt worst to lose.

Anyway, that was my vent, a long one too.