stories-from-my-eyes

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I’m bored and I feel like rambling so here’s a story about how I used to see a gender therapist and now I just don’t think I care about anyone opinion of me anymore,

She was so annoying once the appointments got to the meat of things. Then again that was the point; to pick my brain apart until I was questioning myself all over again. I went to the appointments knowing from day one that I did enough personal questioning for myself and no professional in the world is going to make me do that a second time. I’ll admit the arguing was semi fun though. It felt like I was reasoning with my dad’s level of reasoning except I’d get responses and it just egged me on more. God, I’m a sucker for petty debates and I hate it.

Holy shit though, was it annoying to be asked why I ‘feel a certain way’, or if it would benefit me, or if it would socially outcast me to the brink of killing myself, if I was just being ‘trendy’, and other bullshit wikihow level questions about whether I believe I deserve a dick or not.

Heres some questions, my first thoughts, and what I said:

“What makes you feel this way”

First of all, how fucking dare you walk into my circus and ask why we have clowns in here.

Second of all, I really don’t know. I mean, I don’t see an issue with being a boy or a girl I just feel more comfortable and at peace with myself not being a girl. And I don’t feel like transitioning would have majorly affected the way I do things (spoiler: I was right, I still wake up the same way I slept)

“What does being a boy mean to you”

Uh, I mean nothing super incredibly news flashing but it would make me a whole hell of a lot happier and mentally weather if I could externalize who I am on the inside, Heather,

Honestly thought it would mean that I’m comfortable in my skin, which is how I prefer to be. Waking up disliking myself every few days isn’t fun and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

“Have you ever wished you weren’t trans?”

Of course, dumbass. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Yes I wish I wasn’t, but sometimes I think I’d still be trans even if I was born a boy; so in the end I’ve shot myself in the foot anyways. I just feel like I’d be less upset with myself if I had a flat chest.

“What would you do if your feelings about your gender changed in 10 years?”

Am I supposed to know everything about this shit? I don’t know it hasn’t been ten years.

My outlook on my gender personally is that I don’t care what I’m called for the most part. If strangers refer to me in a certain way I know it’s not worth being upset about because the odds I’ll see that person again are pretty low. Also who cares, I know who I am and I’m not here to impress anyone. So if I feel differently a decade down the line I will adjust from there with what I currently have. I don’t foresee me detransitioning for any reason but if it happens it happens.

“What if your partner no longer felt attracted to you after you transitioned?”

Same opinion I’ve always had with attraction; if you don’t feel like you’re into a person anymore—For ANY reason—Leave. Leave instead of letting things get worse, it saves a lot of stress.

I wouldn’t want a partner who isn’t OK with who I am, and I wouldn’t want to make someone feel cornered or trapped with me because they think it’s a “dumb reason to leave” if you are no longer happy in a relationship; say that. Sure you might piss somebody off but it is WAY better than staying. I’ve seen it and I’ve experienced it. It is not fun.

Fortunately I don’t have to worry about that because my girlfriend knew before we were together and she loves me anyways :))

“Would you still identify this way if you couldn’t medically transition?”

I identified as trans just fine before being offered T; I think I’ll live.

Probably just socially transition..I don’t see a point in being fussy about it.

“How do you present when no one’s watching?”

I don’t owe anyone to look overtly masculine or feminine. I might have switched teams but I’ll be damned if I’m about to give up leggings; they’re some of the most comfortable loungewear on this godforsaken planet.

Depend on how lazy I feel. I’m not required to use binders, sometimes I go weeks without wearing one because I work in a hot environment where I’m walking around all day; I need to breath before worrying about how I present. Also sometimes my chest is just sore or I’m too lazy to put a top on. If I feel like I need one I’ll wear one. When I’m by myself it’s usually a jacket and pants MAYBE a sorta bra or binder if I’ve got plans. I truly could not be bothered.

“What things likes clothing helps with dysphoria”

Jackets, duh

I wear jackets at all times just to cover my arms and back since I hate wearing shirts; arguably I’d say wearing less clothing makes me feel better but that could just be the Tism speaking.

If I had to pick something that makes me feel better by wearing I’d say button ups and shit like that. I go crazy over a good button up shirt and they make me feel like myself.

“How will your identity affect your relationships?”

I don’t have the negative relationships anymore, so realistically transitioning was like a cleanse.

I have the same 4-5 friends I’ve always had plus now my girlfriend and coworkers, and they are all ALSO queer except for a handful. Also if I was gonna kill myself it wouldn’t be over some punk ass bitch calling me a she. I have more self worth than that. And if someone doesn’t support my transition obviously we don’t see eye to eye on a whole lot more than just me being trans; so I wouldn’t continue being friends with those people probably. I’m competitive and go to bed peacefully knowing there’s haters. Sucks to be them I love myself for the most part.

“Do you think you’re too young/old to know for sure this is what you want?”

Maybe but I’ll burn that bridge when I get there idk. This is how I feel now so if everyone wants to avoid a fit I suggest you stop asking me if this is what I want. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.

As of right now, yes. I’m confident in my choice. If I discover later that it’s not for me I will adjust my angles accordingly.

“Are you sure you might not just be a lesbian”

Listen here you little shit, calling me a lesbian is the equivalent of saying “moist” in earshot.

Pretty sure. I like everyone, I’m not choosey. A person is a person until they have stated otherwise.

I get that she was doing her job and from what I can tell she did it relatively well but the 180° from “welcome take a seat” to arguing for almost 45 minutes wasn’t pleasant. She was a really nice lady and she never asked me anything too uncomfortable, but if you ask me being grilled about my gender identity for an hour every week to prove that I’m ‘trans enough’ is kinda invasive from the start. And worst of all was the outdated ass questions she asked. I was warned they were ridiculous and out of nowhere but she had to ask them.

My least favorite was “are you maybe fetishizing the opposite sex?” Even the therapist cringed at it. Firstly go fuck yourself all the way into next Saturday, I swing in any direction and I’m not picky so I don’t see myself “fetishizing” the opposite sex…and second of all in what world am I overly fetishizing people at [checks notes] 15 years old. I barely understood the concept of masturbation not causing spontaneous combustion let alone knew what the word fetish meant with any weight behind it ;-;

Anyways I’m tired and I don’t know how to end posts like these, the end

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I think for me it would be a tie between the 9th grade World History teacher or my English 12 teacher.

I think I’ve talked about the history teacher before but the English teacher was something else. She had up in writing a little class clause in the syllabus about how the students with late night/long jabs were basically excused from dozing off because she understands. She had all of the lessons in the online catalogue for anything students may have missed for this exact reason. I was 17 doing manager level-work until close to 2am so I would get sleep anywhere I could afford to. The teacher who was supposed to be understanding of our lives outside of school would shake me awake, ask about why I was so tired, and compared my paychecks to grades the same week I had been dealing with a FAT VET BILL for my parakeet; AND, she told me that while my grades wouldn’t pay vet bills they could ‘help me get into veterinary school’ as if that was supposed to mean anything to me.

Fuck you Mrs. Smith, no one fucking liked you anyways, I hope your car stops in the middle of the freeway.

does everyone have a teacher that they still have beef with/ hold a grudge against today??

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I have a friend who struggles a lot with really feeling androgynous and comfortable with themselves and dislikes looking too close to one or the other end of the dressing spectrum. They asked me once in highschool if I “saw them more as a girl or a boy”

And I sat there for a second because honestly I don’t know HOW I was interpreting them as a person, just that this was my friend and they were agender. A person I was joined at the hi with for almost 3 years.

It didn’t occur to me for the entire friendship until that point that they weren’t just a human shaped thing that I enjoyed being around because they told me how they identify and I just rolled with it. I do the SAME thing to almost any of my friends; cis or not. Whatever you identify as I just roll with; who cares what your ASAB is? Hell it rarely crosses my mind if at all.

[stories-from-my-eyes]

@thorne-5658 I love you and I don’t hide most of my personality but if you saw the childish shit I scream with Lulu about after work I feel like you would laugh and that also makes me kinda laugh. Lmao

[stories-from-my-eyes]

My dad seldom listen to anyone when he’s engrossed in his games so I would say wild things before I left the house loud and clear so that I could get his attention to tell him I was leaving/would not be home until after dark.

It was just random shit like “I’m leaving. Gonna go do coke off the hood of a sketchy van” because THAT got him to acknowledge that I was walking out the door but not “hey dad I’ll be back in a few hours. I have my key you can lock the door later.”

I could text him, call him, whatever; and he still would forget that I left the house unless I said something outrageous to get him to pause his video games.

My favorite one by far that I still sometimes use is “OK dad I’m heading out to do body shots off of a hooker” or “I’m gonna go to a meth lab with (friend I was hanging with at the time).” And sure as shit THAT got his attention but not “I’m leaving I won’t be home before 2; don’t forget.”

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I BELIEVE I was drunk? (it’s an older screenshot)

[stories-from-my-eyes]

We as a collective need to brag about how we fucking owned our abusive parents as kids. Mostly because I specifically was very funny and it’s a shame there were no witnesses to appreciate it

[stories-from-my-eyes]

When I was a child I remember banking on my dad’s lack of depth perception and general unawareness at night while he played video games like it was a stealth mission and I’d be shot on sight,

I had to walk past him and hope he wouldn’t look up or behind him to see me in my pj’s eating Doritos by the fistful.

Now I just walk into his house and steal the pasta salad at 11 o’clock at night..

[stories-from-my-eyes]

@slurpygunch

Ohhh yeah,

Those dogs would have had a much better life if they were livestock dogs maybe, a home where they had something to do an a nice yard to run around it.

I don’t blame the dogs though, I never liked them but I can empathize that they were not meant for being calm family dogs,

6 years ago my mom and her wife dog two dogs. Two dogs who come from a very energetic breed of working dogs.

4 years ago I lost my cat, Flynn.

The dogs that I begged her not to get because they were never going to be docile house dogs no matter how much she wanted them to be. When I found out her dogs got ahold of Flynn I was obviously upset at the whole thing. I hated dogs after that and I would not willingly put myself within 6 feet of one save for my mother’s other dog, because he’s three chromosomes away from a naked mole rat and harmless.

Anyways my sister wanted a whole different haircut so after school one afternoon my mom took my sister and I out to the middle of nowhere (“Nowhere” read as Redkey) because mom had a coworker who was a part time stylist that lived on this little farm with these two giant barns on either side of the main house. I sat outside on the porch with a book and my music until a giant ass full-sized Rough Collie plops down next to me like I’m not there.

(I wanna note it was less majestic than I expected because she recently had a haircut and was not fluffy)

I looked at the dog for a few minutes before I sat there with the dog and cried because honestly looking at that dog I realized it’s not that I hate dogs; I’m just really angry about the situation

Genuinely my only standing takeaway from this interaction was that I cried on some strangers dog and I’m sure that poor dog was confused as FUCK THO LMAO

[stories-from-my-eyes]

6 years ago my mom and her wife dog two dogs. Two dogs who come from a very energetic breed of working dogs.

4 years ago I lost my cat, Flynn.

The dogs that I begged her not to get because they were never going to be docile house dogs no matter how much she wanted them to be. When I found out her dogs got ahold of Flynn I was obviously upset at the whole thing. I hated dogs after that and I would not willingly put myself within 6 feet of one save for my mother’s other dog, because he’s three chromosomes away from a naked mole rat and harmless.

Anyways my sister wanted a whole different haircut so after school one afternoon my mom took my sister and I out to the middle of nowhere (“Nowhere” read as Redkey) because mom had a coworker who was a part time stylist that lived on this little farm with these two giant barns on either side of the main house. I sat outside on the porch with a book and my music until a giant ass full-sized Rough Collie plops down next to me like I’m not there.

(I wanna note it was less majestic than I expected because she recently had a haircut and was not fluffy)

I looked at the dog for a few minutes before I sat there with the dog and cried because honestly looking at that dog I realized it’s not that I hate dogs; I’m just really angry about the situation

Genuinely my only standing takeaway from this interaction was that I cried on some strangers dog and I’m sure that poor dog was confused as FUCK THO LMAO

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I found a box with my cargo pants and some of my graphic tees and crop tops

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I just remembered that time in highschool where I bought a bunch of miniature dicks (really tiny) in a bulk jar and I hid them around school during senior year. I hid them in our single stalls, on the edge of bulletin board trims, on the floor, next to desks, shelves, etc. I only had time to do a few places before I had to stop :(

By the end of week one the principal came over the loudspeakers and during the morning announcements would say “and whichever student is hiding…small phallic objects around the school please stop this. It’s disturbing and not a funny joke”

I thought it was fucking hilarious but I stopped anyways :,)

[stories-from-my-eyes]

“Were you dropped on your head as a child?”

Worse, I was WWE style YEETED :)

[stories-from-my-eyes]

So, my dad has this friend, who my ENTIRE LIFE we called “Stof” (like stove but with an f)

And when I was 14 my dad said something like “oh yeah Christopher will be here this evening”

And I said “who’s the heck is Christopher???”

It turned into a back and fourth argument of “Everen, you’ve known this guy your entire existence what the hell do you mean?” And “DAD I LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW THIS CHRISTOPHER YOU SPEAK OF. WHO IS CHRISTOPHER???”

Dad: “fucking Stof, you idiot.”

Me: “. . .Wait that isn’t his name?”

Dad: “did you actually think that was his name??”

Me: “yes. My whole life he’s been “Stof”, this is like the English language equivalent of object permanence.”

Dad: “…what the does that even mean?”

So, for 14 years of my life I thought his legal name on his birth certificate was “Stof” and do this day it doesn’t occur to me most of the time that it’s a nickname.

And apparently it’s not common? I casually mentioned it to @thorne-5658 and @otmxghosty, both of them were confused as fuck. Never in my life did I question his name.

[stories-from-my-eyes]

Maybe but getting tested sounds like a lot of work and then I’d feel compelled to make a document or list of all the reason I could/or all the reasons I don’t

I’ve developed rapidly tapping exactly 100 times as a self-soothing habit at work

It has to be 100, idk why, I could stop at 50 but I feel compelled to do it 100 times

Alternating hands, 50 on the left 50 on the right,

If I’m annoyed or impatient or stressed/irritated I do 100 taps

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I’ve developed rapidly tapping exactly 100 times as a self-soothing habit at work

It has to be 100, idk why, I could stop at 50 but I feel compelled to do it 100 times

Alternating hands, 50 on the left 50 on the right,

If I’m annoyed or impatient or stressed/irritated I do 100 taps

[stories-from-my-eyes]

I did this when certain…other…less-nice fanfiction sites were still relevant—I used to be very anti ao3 because I was stubborn and hated the layout until I figured out waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too late that it’s like that for a reason…

My stepmom thought I was up all night playing Zelda ALBW or the 3DS OOC—wrong. I was reading fanfiction when I should have been asleep or studying.

I had it hidden in a hollowed out book I bought from a goodwill (it was a dictionary, chill) and I kept the dictionary on a craft cart next to my bed.

I’m pretty sure the giveaway was that I usually would have THAT dictionary on my bed most of the time and no one reads dictionaries.