strangeopinionsforresolutewyrdos

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So cute I want to throw up: a few alternatives to romantic comedies for coming Valentines Day. Part 2.

We all know romantic comedies suck. Read on for Part 2, where I do my best to offer some solid alternatives.

The Love Witch (2016)

Rotten Tomatoes Summary: “ Elaine, a beautiful young witch, is determined to find a man to love her. In her Gothic Victorian apartment, she makes spells and potions, and then picks up men and seduces them. However, her spells work too well, leaving her with a string of hapless victims. When she finally meets the man of her dreams, her desperation to be loved will drive her to the brink of insanity and murder.”

This film is stranger than fiction yet in some in many ways, too real to handle. 

To call it visually astounding would be a complete understatement. Its faux vintage style is means technicolour gaudy colours, from the purple walls of Elaine’s house to the blue and violet eyeshadows she wears. It’s pure 60′s and 70′s kitsch, and since the visual choices are so unapologetic, it’s hard to resist the charm it’s gaudy brilliant look. 

Even how the actors deliver their lines is decidedly vintage. Now there is something so passé about the slightly stunted delivery, a steady, unchanging tone of voice, a slightly vacant smile and stare. They have masterfully captured a style of acting which has been off our screens for almost forty years.

It’s a good thing too, since the clever exploration of stereotypical gender roles, toxic masculinity and femininity, and ultimately how expectations of others in love can drive us to desperation, would be jarring against a more modern setting. It’s almost as if we had to look back to a time where everyone was far more boxed into these roles to better see their fallacy at work. 

There’s also something to be said for the balance the film strikes between tragedy and comedy. The absurd plot is completely contrasted by the protagonist's struggle with her warped sense of identity. Her quest for love will never be successful because she does not understand what it is to be truly loved, she only knows a collection of patriarchal, emotionally unsound lessons, which she had learned from the men in her life. 

If you want to take a gander exploring the dark side of love, this film is definitely for you. You know ,since, romantic comedies suck. 

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Just cause you’ve grown up, don’t mean you can’t watch cartoons. You do what you want. Part 2.

6. Confinement

This online series by the YouTube creator Lord Bung is a humorous, sarcastic take on the S.C.P universe. As far as I can tell, Lord Bung is a very much a one-man army, writing, voicing and directing the show. Impressive to say the least.

7. Don’t Feed the Humans

This Youtube miniseries from Mondo Media is a disgracefully funny story about a group of humans kept in an alien zoo. The surreal plot and wonderful character design make it perfect for late-night,  slightly stoned (don’t do drugs, kids!) viewing.

8.Hazbin Hotel

Another online series, this one sadly only in its stages of infancy, with the pilot out on Youtube. I include it because of how kooky and novel it was, part musical, part Tim Burton film, this series is about the ever-optimistic Princess of Hell opening a rehabilitation facility for the sinners of hell in order to deal with the growing overpopulation project. Here’s in the hope that the creator will make more!

9. Rick and Morty

I would be so wrong to leave this out since Rick and Morty is the animatic phenomenon of the decade. The adventures of super-genius Rick and his grandson Morty are equally hilarious and traumatic. I still manage to enjoy it despite the droves of pretentious fans doing their hardest to ruin it for everyone.

10. Last but not least...my all-time favourite: Metalocalypse.

This to me is the pinnacle of what adult animation can be, A series which is so close to my heart I should like to have it played in the background at my funeral. Five seasons of antics following the international cultural sensation, death metal band Deathclock. This series isn't just for metalheads, be ready to be fascinated and disgusted in just the right amounts.

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Just cause you’ve grown up, don’t mean you can’t watch cartoons. You do what you want.

I have a real creative crush on the medium of animation. I want to share with you the cartoons for grown-ups which you, a tax-paying, a job working, national insurance registered adults can enjoy. I give thanks to the juggernaut of mature (not porn, get your heads out the gutter) animation, Adult Swim for providing the majority of these titles.  

So, in no particular order:

1.Mr Pickels

He's a satanic, esoteric, sexually depraved, gimp owning, border collie, who torments the elderly and loves penetrating donkeys. What more could you want?

2. Ugly Americans 

A delightful mix of bureaucracy, mishaps and the paranormal, Ugly Americans is an offbeat comedy about an immigration and integration officer dedicated to helping the monstrous droves pouring into the U.S. adapt to the American way of life.

3. Frisky Dingo.

From the makers of Archer comes an earlier much weirder, irreverent, sci-fi satire about an alien demon thing, who tries, and fails to take over the world. This would easily get an extra gold star from me, for originality and sheer absurdity.

4. Archer 

Frisky Dingo’s longest-running, more mainstream older brother, this follows the antics of the secret agents of the problematically named (these days anyway) utterly incompetent intelligence agency I.S.I.S.

5. Bob’s Burgers

Sometimes as an adult, you want a break from the rampant sex and violence that surrounds us in the media. Bob’s Burgers is where you’ll find it. Now, wholesome and clean do not automatically mean boring, and I guarantee some good honest heartwarming fun with this cartoon family.  

KEEP TUNED FOR PT.2

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OCTOBER 31st- Happy Halloween, fuckers.

You made it. We’re here. The final hurrah before the onslaught of forced jolliness makes all us, scary babies, fall into a sparkly joyful coma. 

With 30 Days of Material to get you well lubricated for the darkest of all nights I now gift you a list of some perfectly spooky ways to celebrate.

1. Give ritual magic a gander!

The internet will provide many versions you can follow but it boils down to this: chaos magic is ritual magic 101. Draw yourself a sigil, a symbol which represents whatever will or desire you want, light some candles, bring to mind what you want to archive and have a good old wank over it. Apparently, that’s how the chaos magician does.

2. Do an ouija board.

No better time to accidentally invite a malevolent spirit into your home. A real classic.

3. Have casual sex with someone in a mask, forget to ask their name, never see them again.

Halloween is a heretical, arcane, pagan festival ok? Both heretics and arcane pagans are very sex-positive. (But use protection, obvs. You cannot celebrate the ancient forces of darkness with chlamydia.) 

4. Try levitating your friends with that “light as a feather, stiff as a board” shtick. 

Hey. If it worked for the gals of The Craft, it might work for you.

5. Halloween is a great night to take acid. 

I’m kidding, don’t take drugs kids. (You might see a demon if you do though. Fun!)

6. For the love of God, carve a pumpkin.

Why is it only kids that get to lobotomise vegetables? 

7. For the love of Satan, become a paying member of The Church of Satan.

You know, they’re good craic, as the Irish say. They annoy religious bigots as a pastime and always have the best outfits.

8. Go somewhere haunted and hang around a little bit.

It may be your local cemetery or the abandoned asylum next door, either way, bring a picnic and chill until a ghoul scares you, or you scare yourself. You’ll achieve the desired result whatever happens.

9. Find a child, take them trick or treating.

There may be a number of small humans in your life, who will quickly grow to become the next generation of hardcore Halloween lovers. Make sure they wear something scary (no princesses or minions) and remember to take pictures for their parents as they slip into a diabetic coma courtesy of sweet bounty they have gathered.

10. Put a costume on.

Even if you’re sat at home alone, put on a costume. Otherwise, the Jolly Halloween Skeleton will know you’re naughty and will eat your soul while you sleep, Not worth it if you ask me,

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October 30th- Taika Waititi, Taika Waititi, Taika Waititi. Saved the best for last: What We Do in the Shadows (2014) and What We Do in the Shadows series (2019-)

I do not have the words to truly describe my undying passion of Taika  Waititi’s comedic genius, but alas, I must try.

Both film and series are formatted to be filmed as mockumentaries following two groups of vampires living in modern wellington and Staten island respectively. 

Now the film stars both the directors and writers  Taika Waititi (who plays  Viago) and Jermain Clement (Vladislav) two of three vampire roommates, and  Jonathon Brugh (Decon) completing the trio. The nosferatuish  Petyr (Ben Fransham) skulks in his stone sarcophagus and scares human and vampires alike. There’s also a hilarious cameo from Flight of the Conchords regular Rhys Darby, as the leader of a pack of werewolves, who love getting naked on a full moon but abhor swearing. When this film first came out, I was in the third year of university, and it was what really brought Waititi to my attention. The film had done incredibly well in New Zealand and a crowdsourcing initiative was being taken to finance an international release. I gave them £25 and got a wonderful t-shirt in return (the seams are a little wonky, but that is nothing for the thrill of seeing it on the big screen in the UK) with the iconic quote “Werewolves, not swear wolves!”

The series takes this initial amazing foundation and runs with it. This time we see a group of vampires living in Staten Island, New York. The cast has diversified as to include Persian vampire Nandor (Kayvan Novak), victorian fop Lazlo (Matt Berry) and Romani femme fatal Nadja ( Natasia Demetriou). An adorable addition to the W.W.D.I.T.S world is the introduction of energy vampires (namely Colin Robinson played by  Mark Proksch), creatures so bland that they leach the life energy from their victims by either boring or irritating them to death.

At the heart of how well Taika’s vampires have won over audiences, is a lovable humanity that they all share, which warms the cockles even as they devour their victims. Taika knows vampire tropes inside out, and the vampires which he writes know them too. They try very hard to slot into the various stereotypes, to be menacing, and evil but they never quite manage it. They are, for all intense and purposes, nothing more than children playing at being vampires. Contrasting their child-like clumsiness, their long lives become obvious in flashes of sincere sentiment, even kindness, which only a mature, ancient vampire would be able to express. There is no better example of this than Nadja taking under her wing the young, awkward college student Jenna (Beanie Feldstein) who she turns into a vampire, and enthusiastically leads her on a homicidal journey of empowerment and self-actualisation.

I cannot think of anything better to watch on the eve of the spookiest night of the year. 

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October 29th- Hereditary (2018)

Rottentomatoes.com summary: “ When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter's family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.” 

I was unsure of what to make of this film when I first saw it. I loved the art style, oppressive, eerie, and wonderfully sleek.   Toni Collett astounded me in her capacity to act just as wonderfully in a horror film as in a drama or a comedy. Being so used to seeing her in films such as Muriel’s Wedding I was unsure if she would be comfortable in the horror genre. This film is a slow burn, but it manages to keep the audience's attention through creepy details, spread like breadcrumbs throughout the narrative. The only quip I have about the ending is a monologue delivered by an off-screen character which is basically reversed exposition, explaining the backstory in one long speech. I found this a  little disappointing for a film that had been so sophisticated, almost intellectual, up to the very last minute. However, I still recommend this as a great, weird film, which will leave you disturbed and confused. 

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October 28th- The Devil’s Backbone (2001)

Rottentomatoes.com summary: “ The mournful fable of the Santa Lucia School during the last days of the Spanish Civil War. An imposing stone building set on a desolate plateau, the school shelters the orphans of the Republican militia and politicians, and other abandoned children. Gradually, Carlos uncovers the dark ties that bind the inhabitants of the school, including the secret that haunts them--Santi, a student who was brutally murdered, and whose pale ghost now wanders the grounds”

In my opinion, Guillermo Del Toro does his best work when crafting films in his own native language. This film often takes a backseat to his better-known fantasy horror Pan’s Labyrinth which is also set during the Spanish Civil War, and it is a shame because it has its own unique brand of stylised desolation that rivals that of the latter film. There is a sense of oppressive hopelessness throughout the film because of the child protagonist, Carlos, played by  Fernando Tielve, gives such an empathetic performance, that the audience is left completely understanding how horrifying and insurmountable things can seem from the perspective of a ten-year-old.  Del Toro has always been incredibly adept at exploiting the real horrors of history to feed into the supernatural horror of his films and does so elegantly, feeding elements of the hardships of daily life under a dictatorship to make a truly moving story.

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October 27th- Trollhunter (2010)

From the official film website: “Shot in a vérité style, Trollhunter is the story of a group of Norwegian film students that set out to capture real-life trolls on camera after learning their existence has been covered up for years by a government conspiracy. A thrilling and wildly entertaining film, Trollhunter delivers truly fantastic images of giant trolls wreaking havoc on the countryside, with darkly funny adherence to the original Norwegian folklore."

This quirky horror mockumentary is Norwegian cinema at its best. It manages to be completely over the top and understated at the same time, with that dry Scandinavian humour, and genuinely huge monsters to boot. If you love creature features, this is a wonderfully novel take on the classic monster movie. Who says it has to be a giant firebreathing lizard flattening downtown Tokyo, why not a forty-foot troll in a freezing blizzard? 

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October 26th- Let the Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist.

This story follows the friendship that develops between a lonely young boy Oskar and a century-old vampire child Eli. Set in the bleak winter of Sweden, this novel is a fresh take on the vampire genre. Besides from being delightfully grim, the novel filled with moments of real warmth and humanity, especially Eli’s fierce protectiveness of Oskar from the bullies that torment him. It also confronts some techy taboos:  Håkan, Eli’s human assistant is a paedophile, who lost his teaching job when he was arrested for the possession of child pornography. His relationship with Eli as intriguing as it is repulsive.

The novel was adapted into an excellent film in 2008, and I highly recommend the original Swedish version. In principle, I’m not a fan of English language remakes.

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October 25th- True Horror (2018)

This hidden gem of a mini-series is Channel 4 take on the classic true-life re-enacted horror genre. Sadly only 4 episodes in length, this anthology of terrifying stories are told by those who experienced them and recreated in a genuinely feature film level of quality. Channel 4 has always been extremely good at making thoughtful, sincere documentaries, and I'm glad to say that they have kept true to their style throughout the interviews. There’s a decided lack of sensationalism, that can be offputting, especially in programs of this genre.

Of all the episodes, number three is particularly bone-chilling. 

The show is available on the Channel Four website, here: 

https://www.channel4.com/programmes/true-horror

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October 24th- Dracula (2020-)

Rottentomatoes.com summary: “TV series inspired by Bram Stoker's Dracula, which follows the bloodthirsty count as he travels from Transylvania to London”

This reimagining of the classic gothic horror was a huge deal of fun. I appreciated hugely the elements of body horror and gore, which are only alluded to in many previous adaptations. Dracula is actually depicted for the first time in a long time, as an actual villain, ruthless and sadistic, his wretchedness and loneliness lurking just under the surface of  Claes Bang’s dynamic performance. An old story but not a tired one, the whole miniseries is decidedly modern. Dolly Wells playing sister Agatha Hellsing is truly explosive and entertaining, especially since the dynamic between her and her nemesis is complex and exciting. 

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October 23rd- Hellraiser (1987)

Rottentomatoes.com Summary: “ The directorial debut from horror novelist Clive Barker stars Sean Chapman as a man who buys a strange Chinese puzzle box in a sex shop only to discover that its solution opens a portal to Hell. “

Another absolute classic. I recently viewed the original Hellraiser at a friends house through the haze of a well-rolled joint and was absolutely blown away by its trashy magnificence. For a low budget British horror (yes it’s filmed in the U.K. despite having an equivocal portion of the cast from the U.S.) some of the practical effects, the slime, the reanimation in stop motion and the grimy makeup are actually incredibly sophisticated and progressive. Speaking of progressive, the art style and concept behind the film is actually incredibly unique for the time, in many ways completely pioneering, so its no surprise that this film franchise had birthed eight (that’s right eight), little freaky sequel babies. So the acting and pacing of the film are a little clunky and cheesy, but beyond that, I have very little to complain about. It’s also hilarious, in the only way an 80′s b-movie horror can be, so if you’re not in it for the gore, you might find something to giggle about. 

Fun fact: the all-around dreamboat and Superman himself, Henry Cavill actually had a role in Hellraiser 8 when he was a fresh-faced lad at the beginning of his career. See the clip below.

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October 22nd- Young Frankenstein (1974)

Rottentomatoes.com Summary: “ In this spoof of Mary Shelley's gothic tale, the grandson of Victor Frankenstein, a neurosurgeon, has spent his life living down the legend of his grandfather, even changing the pronunciation of his name. When he discovers his grandfather's diary, he begins to feel differently and returns to the family castle to satisfy his curiosity by replicating his ancestor's experiments. In the process, he creates one very unique monster.”

I have a certain tolerance level for wink-wink, nudge-nudge, humour and Mel Gibson’s classic romp is what I would define as just right. A staple of the comedy-horror genre, I would remiss to exclude it from this list. I watched this film as a young’un and watching it is like meeting an old friend. Against expectation, the humour has withheld the test of time, which is hard for comedies coming from the 70′s. Filmed in black and white, it is also a masterclass in vintage cinematography, with beautiful lighting and scene composition. 

Missing these wonderful comedic performances would be a true sin for any cinema lover. 

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October 21st- Belzebubs created by JP Ahonen

It's well known, that for the super spooks of black metal, Halloween is 7 days a week 365 days a year. Belzebubs is a positively heartwarming online comic about a black metal band Belzebubs and the vocalist's satanic brood of kids, and equally metalhead wife. The comic is a part slice of life, part metal odyssey and it is amazing how much it resonates with the experience of the black metal fan, gently poking fun at the extreme subculture. 

https://belzebubs.com/

@belzebubsofficial​

And now, to compound how unstoppably awesome they are, Belezebubs have released an album and are on tour, a cartoon band the likes of which we have not seen since the heady days of Deathclock. 

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October 20th- The Last Werewolf Trilogy by Glen Duncan.

I am going to immediately emphasise how much this trilogy sounds like a Twilight preteen gushfest, and how much it absolutely Isn’t.  Jake Marlow is the last werewolf in the world, thanks to a world organization which vets and manages the supernatural persons of the world. He’s pretty depressed, as you would imagine being the last of anything, but is surprised with the unexpected emergence of another. 

Glen is a wonderful, wonderful writer. His books are witty, belligerent, hilarious and adult, dealing with surprising darkness with a mature, self-aware tone. If you’re someone who finds young adult fiction shallow and nauseating but wants your fix of werewolves and vampires, or if you’re just someone who wants to read a frigging good book, I highly recommend this.

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October 19th- The Neon Demon (2016)

Rottentomatoes.com Summary: “ When aspiring model Jesse moves to Los Angeles, her youth and vitality are devoured by a group of beauty-obsessed women who will take any means necessary to get what she has”

The Neon Demon is a stylish, sophisticated essay on the sinister consequences of an innocent coming into contact with a world which is obsessed with beauty. One of the things which immediately made this film stand out was the beautiful, colours used in the cinematography, making the film as surreal and as beautiful as the women who inhabit it. The film is full of cold, unyielding symmetry, and some of the concepts that were designed for the fashion shoots in the film are completely aesthetically perfect.

The subject matter is surprising and original, and the occult element is subtle enough to not become all-consuming to the story, which has many subtle aspects. There are truly harrowing moments throughout, Keanu Reeves’s abusive, violent character shows him in a light that we are unconsumed to, and his assault of the protagonist's next-door neighbour, only heard through the wall of her room, is truly shocking, without being distasteful. 

I would recommend this film if you experience a slightly nuanced take on the occult horror genre. 

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October 18th- Kerbcrawler Ghost.

This controversial and talented artist covers dark, sexual, satanic subjects. He as masterful use of monochrome and his images both arouse and disturb. If you are in the mood to explore a more sinister exploration of human sexuality I recommend taking a second to follow Kerbcrawler here on Tumblr and having a look at his first published book:

http://kerbcrawlerghost.com/

https://kerbcrawlerghost.tumblr.com/

A word of warning, his art is not for the fainthearted, so if you are easily offended it might not be for you.