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alcohol should be 0 calories and free at the gas station

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One year after my su1c1d3 attempt

I was in the ground. My mental pain was creating physical pain and I couldn't move. I had seen so much — friends dead, physical assaults, sexual violations — and it weighed so heavy on my brain.

My first attempt was April 12th and I called the police on myself. I was so scared to die a painful death, but thank god my liver was stronger than I thought. My second attempt was an anniversary that just passed — April 30th.

It's funny how your body remembers dates. The entire month of April I had a pit in my stomach. Anxiety through the roof and a missing appetite. I started leaning back into patterns like purging and self harming. I thought it was the beginning of the end, but it's just another part of my journey.

I haven't thought of killing myself in months. I used to dream of the graphic ways I could and draw lines where I would imagine blood pouring out of.

I still mourn the people I lost, Jack, Tess, and McLloyd. I still think of my the people who hurt me so bad, Anel, Kamila, Jacob, Nars, and Zach. I think of how many people have been through this and been quiet. Women face every kind of pain and trauma and are expected to be quiet through it all. We expect it to happen too. I expect it to happen to me again. Women need to band together to survive.

And I can do this. I can live. I will not let darkness consume me, and I will not let dark events win. Life is joy, frugality, mystery, mischief, and pain too. And for what I have already been through I am beyond happy to have survived.

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my first week as an RA in graduate school I had a resident ask for a dehumidifier. I forgot to bring it to him. The next day, my boss called me in to chat, but before I could go my flatmate noticed there were tons of ambulances outside. He said there was a suicide in that part of the buildings but he didn't know much more. I knew it was my resident. I knew I should have brought a dehumidifier to him, but I forgot. Maybe he would have seen me and realized someone cared.

I talked to my boss and she told me the gory details. I cried the whole night. I remember cancelling all my plans to deal with this shit, but the next day, a different resident told me her flatmate r4ped her. I had to help her, but UK didn't have any resources at all. Her flatmate stayed living in her dorm the entire year even when I fought against it.

I had never felt so unsafe and worthless. I probably killed that boy, and I couldn't help the girl who needed out of her flat.

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so effing tired

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Hi again

I've been struggling these past few weeks. The job market is insane and I can't find work for the life of me. The other day I said something that scared me -- "this was the reason I tried to kill myself, I was worried this would happen in the future."It's not a mindset I want to have, that without a job, without much money, or without anything I. would just end it all.

I am experiencing more content-ness, but I'm still looking for joy. I find it in nature sometimes, but it is still missing in my life.

M1a is coming and going, same with the self-harm. It's been 3 days since last purge but before that it was a few months. I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of my first suicide attempt, and I think the anxiety is kind of getting to me. I haven't self-harmed (excluding purging) for a few weeks now.

This year was intense. I went through trauma therapy for two sexual assaults, the death of 3 classmates, and 2 suicide attempts. It's normal for me to feel a little anxiety coming up on the 1-year anniversary it all — right?

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every time someone is cold and i’m not i feel a wave of disgust with my body fall over me

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your last b1nge is showing 🤢…

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Being ACTUALLY fat with an 3d is a whole nother type of embarrassment

Like why am I actually overweight

Why does my bmi start with a 2

Why am I ALWAYS hungry

My body is plotting against me I swear

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Average wieiad be like:

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ED rule that help me lose weight

Don't eat when you don't need energy.

Eat only before important things like exams, driving car etc or eat when you feel really bad but I mean REALLY bad.

Eat to live not live to eat.

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pink mealspo 💞🎀🩰

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skip the dinner,

wake up thinner.

—🍽️-

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Tattooed thinsp0 🖤

Art looks better on a thin canvas

(everything’s from Pinterest)

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50 reasons to lose w31ght ౨ৎ

⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖

1. so your s/o can pick you up effortlessly

2. free piggy back rides from your friends

3. so you don't have to worry about being too heavy when you sit in someone's lap

4. so people will lend you their clothes (and they'll be too big on you)

5. when people buy you clothes, they'll get the smallest size (and worry that a size S might be too big)

6. someone from a k-beauty youtube video said "losing w31ght makes you 10x prettier"

7. to fit into p3tite and aesthetic clothes (eg brandy melville)

8. so you don't have the gross feeling of your skin touching (thighs rubbing together, stomach rolls, etc)

9. to look effortlessly beautiful doing anything

10. you'll sweat less

11. to look good in tight clothes

12. to be able to wear revealing outfits and still look cute

13. you'll look cute and small in oversized clothes, instead of looking b1gger

14. so you can wear a bikini

15. to feel more confident

16. people will treat you better

17. if you stick to it and work hard to lose the w31ght, then you'll be better than everyone who has failed to do so. you're willpower and self-control will be admired and envied by your peers

18. people will pay more attention to you

19. people will worry and care about you more

20. for the sk1nny/pretty privilege

21. to make people jealous of you

22. to prove that you can

23. to look good wearing anything, even if it isn't a good outfit

24. so you won't be anxious about being w31ghed at the doctor's

25. to look prettier in pictures

26. so you can go clothes shopping without being

insecure

27. no more dressing room breakdowns

28. so your s/o can fit their fingers around your wrists and their hands around your thighs (or so you can do it yourself)

29. for the th1gh g4p (duh)

30. to be small enough to use your s/o as a bed

31. so your s/o can easily lift you with one hand

32. so you don’t have to waste another summer hating urself

33. to be desirable

34. you'll have a higher chance of people stopping you on the street for photographs/modeling scouts/etc

35. to be more attractive

36. you'll use less products (body wash, lotion) if there's less of you (so you'll end up saving money too!)

37. people will take you more seriously

38. you'll be able to move through crowds easier

39. to boost your self-esteem, feel better about yourself, and be happier

40. you can purchase the smallest size when shopping online and you won't have to worry about it being too small

41. to be able to shop at cute online shops that only carry smaller sizes (brandy, yesstyle, other asian stores)

42. to look good while e4ting, instead of like a f4tt, greedy p1g...

43. to finally be in control

44. so you don't feel jealous/sad when you see other people's b0di3s/thln$p0, because THEY'LL be envying YOU

45. to have your pics/b0dychecks put in a thln$p0 compilation

46.to finally feel pretty

47. to take up less space

48. to be able to wear low rise bottoms

49. so you can talk about your w31ght and not feel ashamed

50. if you actually stick to it and r3strict, your appetite/ stomach will be a lot smaller once you reach your ugw, so you'll naturally e4t less!!

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lonely at the bottom (24 days clean)

I was doing much better, these past few weeks I have been pretty down. Not sure what i can do better and I'm not sure if I will ever succeed in my future.

I thought about purging today, but I didn't. Last week I tried and couldn't throw anything up, but I am not counting that as a relapse.

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09/27

Hi guys

I haven't done ANY self harm in 14 days! I really can'tbelieve hwo far I have come from daily self harm, daily purging, daily suicidality. I still can't think about the future so much, but I'm just taking it hour by hour, really just minute by minute. If I can stay alive the next hour, I can do it for the next one.

I am nowhere near as productive as I wish I was, or as I used to be. I'm still just being proud of myself for waking up each day and getting out of bed. There were days where I could not physicially move becuaseI was so depressed. I remember telling my mom that I felt like a ghost.

Today I am going to try to work out indoors since it is raining. I have a meeting with my dissertation advisor as well and I hope that goes well. I'm not sure if I will be able to work on my dissertation today since my attention is still so poor.

The bad parts:

Since moving here I've been getting bad flashbacks. When my boyfriend and I have sex, I get a sort of sterile sensation. Its like I'm trying to ignore the feeling of sex. Sometimes it's a good time, but mostly it's almost an out of body experience. I run through my mind of every time something non-consensual happened to me. I say like a mantra - "I'm safe, it's [his name], he loves you, you're safe". It doesn't really help.

I also have bad nightmares about my friends who died. I think about how M and J killed themselves, and I envision T getting stabbed and fighting for her own life. I can't believe these tragedies. In my dreams, I see them dying as a bystander, but I can't intervene. T is the scariest. I know where I'm at when I'm dreaming, I know I'm in the park where she was murdered. And I can't move.

It's getting better though. Everything is.