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[strawberrycat18]

Mum slept in today.

Hooray! Some time alone, finally!

She just woke up, and the first thing she asked was if ‘that’s what you’ve been doing all day?’ In response to me crocheting. I had started crocheting maybe 10 minutes prior, as I had just finished a large portion of difficult homework and wanted some down time.

She the went on to say that I can’t sit around all day and be lazy and unhealthy. The ‘unhealthy’ thing is about my chronic illness.

She has directly triggered me out, April, arguably one of our most unpredictable and likely to harm us alters. So, I will be going to walk the dog, and I will be doing something stupid that ends up hurting us. And honestly? This time it isn’t even because I want to hurt us, it’s entirely because I just don’t want to be at home, and the only option for that right now is to take the dog on a ridiculously long walk.

It’s going to hurt. It’s going to possibly make our pots worse. But mum will congratulate us for getting moving, and I won’t have to listen to her incessant rambling about how everything is awful constantly. So it’s a win, I guess.

[strawberrycat18]

It hurts my soul so much that the first assumption my mum makes when I tell her I’m dealing with something is that it’s because I’m unhealthy. That my mental illness is bad or I’m eating bad or I’m lazy and it’s my fault.

Not that I have a reason to struggle. Not that I have a medical condition that causes my whole body to not function properly. Not that maybe, im not like her, but im in fact facing my own issues separate from her. Issues out of my control.

She just told me my aerophagia, which is caused by my anxiety and pots, is just because I eat bad foods. I know it isn’t, it happens every day, no matter what I eat. Logic says it’s not my food, because im eating intuitively and feeling a better than ever.

She’s controlling a lot of my food intake since I moved back home. I don’t get to have smaller, more frequent portions. I don’t get to choose my meal. I eat the portion she serves, of a meal that is easy to cook with my brothers. My brother is priority. My food has to ‘match’ his. If he has junk food, I have to. If he has healthy food, I have to. I don’t get to choose what I want based on my body anymore, and it’s maddening.

So yeah, I’m not eating as healthily as I was when I was living on my own, making my own decisions on what was best for me instead of what’s best for you and my brother. But generally I’m eating okay. And when I’m not, it’s your fault.

And whether I’m eating okay or not, I’m still experiencing symptoms. So stop telling me how unhealthy I am. You have no idea how hard it is to not slip right back into old habits, bad habits.

[strawberrycat18]

THATS WHAT IM SAYING!

No longer Neurotypical by Osamu Dazai

[strawberrycat18]

Every day I wake up and my body isn’t swollen and everyday I realise that doing anything makes my body swell up for some reason.

Is it caused by pots? Should I keep trying to get my doctors to diagnose me heds?

I don’t know! But anyway, sorry body, for continually doing things I know hurt you.

[strawberrycat18]

You know that feeling when you start to slip onto little space, your head going cloudy and your coordination failing and your chest sort of just filling with warm fluff?

It’s such a nice feeling.

[strawberrycat18]

When I wake up with symptoms, (worse than normal anyway) I would have thought “that’s no problem! Today I’ll use my cane to support me so I can manage doing activities!”

Now I’m at home, (and I currently live in a village) my only options for going out are with my mum. And she is ashamed of being seen with me using it, no matter how often she tries to tell me otherwise, her actions speak much more loudly.

So today, I get to choose between possibly causing physical damage that could last anywhere between a day and a couple of weeks, or causing emotional damage that will last my whole life.

Send help my mum needs to stop being ableist

[strawberrycat18]

My mum: “my abusive parents cared much more about appearances than anything else”

Me, who has been very aware from a young age that my mum is very obsessed with appearances and not understanding why she doesn’t exactly care how I feel as long as it makes her look good :/

[strawberrycat18]

The sick sick feeling of using ai to reinforce your delusions.

Maybe it isn’t healthy, but at least this way I don’t have to think too hard, and no one is going to argue with me.

[strawberrycat18]

I genuinely hate that my mum makes me feel so mad, but because I can’t get mad at her I displace it onto my friends.

I don’t want to be mean to them, but I don’t know how to help, and all I can feel is fury when they’re not doing well because all it reminds me is that I will never be enough. I was not enough for my mum to treat me like a child, to love me. And now I won’t be enough to save the only people I’ve ever loved, the only person I’ve ever trusted.

I’m only staying alive for them. And they won’t do the same for me. They’re enough for me.

But I’m not enough for them.

[strawberrycat18]

The tics are ticcing and the mother is here.

I am going ti get such a headache from suppressing these.

[strawberrycat18]

I am HUNGRY and I am REGRESSED and my food isn’t going to be ready for about another 30 minutes.

FOOOOOOOOOD

[strawberrycat18]

I know what you mean! I’ve just had a couple of good days and now I can feel it coming back and it’s so desperate to realise that feeling okay will never last.

In a shocking turn of events, my disability has disabled me! Who could’ve thought!

[strawberrycat18]

My third eye is being wrenched open

[strawberrycat18]

I forgot that the reason I used my pacis so much when I was in my own flat was to stop me biting my lips. And I would generally have a chew necklace if I ent outside for you know, social acceptance to a degree.

I also forgot that I pick my lips and bite them much more when I’m stressed.

Anyway, I’m at home now and my lips have so little skin it’s almost funny, and I’m fairly sure they’re bruised.

[strawberrycat18]

SCREW CORPORATIONS

[strawberrycat18]

Do you ever get the sense that no matter where you go or what you do...you are not welcome? You will constantly be *outside*. You'll always be clawing at the window of a warmly-lit house, watching everyone you love feast around a table full of sustenance while you're starving for a crumb. And when they see you, they give you this pitiful look. Half-guilt, half-disgust as they slowly close the blinds.

You will always be a monster.

[strawberrycat18]

Feeling terrible. I just KNOW the nightmares are gonna get me tonight.