sugarcookieh8r - Tumblr blog

[sugarcookieh8r]

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.”

— Howard Thurman

[sugarcookieh8r]

i'm stuck in an 11 hour car ride with him and his parents on the way to thanksgiving dinner, and this morning i saw only fans as his top suggested search in safari.

****

there's this instant sinking feeling, from the back of your throat to the bottom of your stomach. you can't speak.

you saw it, and he probably is worried you did. it was only on the screen for a second, maybe she didn't see it. but you did, and you can't hid it. you've retracted.

and ever since then, he's tried to hug you, to get your attention, to give you his hand. he's holding your leg in the car. he never does that.

where is this reassurance from? guilt.

he always says he doesn't like you all over him, that you can be a little too much. but clearly you're not enough.

you're REAL, you've been through so much together, and you're right here. why are you not enough?

maybe you're overreacting, or maybe you're just starving. maybe if he would enjoy just sitting with you or asked you about you day more or touched you more. maybe if you didn't get one hit of his undivided attention and have to survive off of it for the week, maybe if he sustained you a little more. maybe if he wasn't on his phone all the time when he's had the day off and you've worked all day and you just want to be with him. maybe if everytime you looked over at his feed there wasn't a half naked girl every 3rd post.

but maybe you're being selfish, for wanting more.

so just dump your feelings out in a poorly written paragraph and listen to your playlist with Mitski, Lana Del Rey, and Cigarettes After Sex, hating yourself in silence. only 9 more hours to go.

[sugarcookieh8r]

and when you go away i still see you

with sunlight on your face in my rearview

[sugarcookieh8r]

reynolda house

[sugarcookieh8r]

i have long awaited the sunshine

[sugarcookieh8r]

beautiful sunset driving home with my love the other night

[sugarcookieh8r]

Luna sleeping in a pile of squishmallows

[sugarcookieh8r]

the back of the library

[sugarcookieh8r]

i wish i knew how good life was in these moments, and how things will never be the same. growing up is hard.

[sugarcookieh8r]

waiting to clock in

[sugarcookieh8r]

somewhere out in the blue ridge

[sugarcookieh8r]

cigarettes on the table

[sugarcookieh8r]

i am thinking about how my sisters make me laugh. i am thinking about holding my friends. i am thinking about the air and i am thinking about the clouds, i am thinking about shade and flowers and murals and lights. i am thinking of so many colors. i am thinking of green i am thinking of the end of summer and saying goodbyes. i am thinking of new book smell and how much i love libraries. i am thinking of laying in the grass as it starts to rain and i am thinking of smiling. i am thinking of sunsets and picnic tables and music. i am thinking of laughter and the way street lamps glow in the dark. i am thinking about night drives and smoking on the parkway at 3am. i am thinking about sticking my hands and head out the window and i am thinking of the wind against my face. i am thinking about how little my life is and how little this place is and how it looks so small from the mountains. i am thinking about how i hate how beautiful it is lit up against the sky. i am thinking of stars and the all the colors of the sky and how bright the moon was last week. i am thinking about fall and how much i love it and its colors and the leaves and the pumpkins and the way the air changes. i am thinking about how i will be able to breathe this air and how this time it will be different and i will be fine and normal and breathe without my chest tightening and closing and without me shrinking as the days grow shorter because i am okay and i am content with my life and my being and there is nothing wrong with me.

i am thinking about how it will be different this time.

i am thinking about how i will be different this time.

god i am hoping that i will be different this time.

[sugarcookieh8r]

[sugarcookieh8r]

“It’s funny how you can go for a long time in life not needing someone, and then you meet them and you suddenly need them all the time.”

— Meg Wolitzer, Belzhar

[sugarcookieh8r]

It feels so good, it feels so good

And right outside the door,

nobody knows.

They're right outside the door and

they don't know.

How it feels so good, it feels so

good.

[sugarcookieh8r]

Edgar Allan Poe’s : The Fall of the House of Usher by Robert Lawson, 1931