sunada-julia

[sunada-julia]

kono yo no hate (1994) 

[sunada-julia]

It’s like a mirror. 

A mirror that reflects the ugliness of my heart. 

[sunada-julia]

Hear comes the depressive state

[sunada-julia]

i know vitamin c basically neutralizes adhd meds but lemonade good

[sunada-julia]

tim etchells (+) at kunstmuseum basel

[sunada-julia]

27/12/20

I just realized I don’t want to let people get close to me and I’m better off with the few people who already know me, even if we mostly communicate via text.

 I just realized I’m in a place too vulnerable to be letting people near myself. Near who I really am. Near the raw nerve that is my self-esteem, near the void that sits where my Self should be, near the ticking time bomb the pain I’m working though is.

Even thinking about pursuing new friendships drains me. Getting to know these people, trusting these people only to risk being mocked, lied to and betrayed – for what? I’m not the type of person who likes to go drink until the morning and I don’t seem to find anyone who is as averse to alcohol as I am anyway. I can’t be defined as any type of person, therefore don’t fit anywhere. I don’t even know who I am; I only know how I feel and this changes close to 20 times a day. I don’t know what I want; I don’t know what I need…

I think I’m better off learning a new language or watching all the movies I can find that appeal to me at the moment. Maybe this solitude is being imposed on me to shield me from my (lack of) Self. From rushing into a new cycle of people-pleasing and begging to be liked. From serving as a mirror off of which people can bounce of the reflections of themselves they want to see. From molding myself into who I “should” be according to my own set of unfair, unrealistic expectations yet again.

What for? So I end up alone again and have to start over?

No one needs to like me. I don’t need anyone to like me. I don’t exist to serve other people. I need to like me and to like Me, I need to define Me.

There are chatrooms full of people I will never meet. Being on there is so liberating because I can both be the person I already am and the person I want to become. An amalgam of reality and aspiration. Where I won’t be judged and mistreated… Retreating to a fantasy reality. Where I’m appreciated. Where I’m good enough…

At least until the raw exposed nerve gets covered by a layer of fresh skin and a protective shell is formed around me, to keep my insides safe and sound…

[sunada-julia]

[sunada-julia]

i feel like a meteorite sometimes. i wish i could exist without colliding into things, without wrecking havoc, without destruction. i wish there were a place where i could fit in, without having to violently collapse into it. it makes me feel… inadequate.

i feel like a meteorite sometimes.

(via

sunsetico

)

[sunada-julia]

[sunada-julia]

it’s not ‘talking to myself’ it’s called a soliloquy you fuck

[sunada-julia]

I’m in this picture and I don’t like it

[sunada-julia]

One of the things I’ve been most consistent with throughout my life would be self-sabotage. Whether it’d be not eating or sleeping enough, cutting my hair while trying to grow it out or something big like remaining in unhealthy relationships – it all results in setbacks.

I’ve been working on defeating my self-sabotaging tendencies without actually knowing there was an umbrella term for all the counterproductive shit I do. I was looking at individual habits and behaviors and was keen on getting rid of them one by one.

 That’s cool and all, just unsustainable. It takes a great deal of energy to focus on solving a single problem, let alone having to divide that energy and try to solve multiple problems simultaneously. By the time I realized it (yesterday), I had already repeated the “Do my best – fail – beat myself up” cycle a couple of times. I’ve improved but haven’t really got much better. I still let dishes pile up and the refrigerator empty out on a semi-regular basis; I’m still unassertive, yadda, yadda, yadda.

 While there are different reasons for all these behaviors, slapping on an all-encompassing label on them simplified everything! Now I don’t have to think, “To become more assertive, I need to work on my self-esteem”; “To clean and do grocery shopping regularly, I must set a routine”; “To not spend too much money on cosmetics, I need to quit buying more until I use up what I already own”. I stopped “should”-ing myself. Because what’s the point of getting stuck on a sentiment such as: “I should get that promotion”, when I can just do something?

 Haven’t balanced my accounts or done the dishes or vacuumed or taken out the thrash or written a blog post or whatever in a while? I immediately go “self-sabotage” in my head, get up and do what i need to do to short-circuit the cycle. Chances are, I’ll feel much better later.

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My approach before used to be prioritizing “preparation for action”– compiling to-do lists, wasting a bunch of time re-compiling said lists if I didn’t originally put them on a screen but on paper instead because I’m incredibly disorganized; planning out my days and weeks, downloading apps, making Excel tables, tracking every single thing I eventually did get done… Ending up with massive anxiety headaches and quit.

 This approach is ineffective because all of your time and energy go into planning to get shit done instead of getting shit done, and the difference between what I do now and what I used to do is massive.

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I’ve been trying to make this a brilliant blog post for days now. I’m certain I’ve got COVID and spent the last 2 days and a half sleeping, getting better though. Between this and the massive emptiness I’m feeling, I just wanna put this post up and leave brilliance for another day.

[sunada-julia]

On seeking universal solutions

Soundtrack: Eternal – Sleep

 My search of “The style” began when I was around 12. I cross-dressed, kept my hair very short and refused to acknowledge my gender because my classmates and upperclassmen didn’t hesitate to let me know how ugly and “manly” I was for a girl. I thought I could escape female beauty standards by bucking femininity. Cue more ridicule.

Years went by; I’d copy others but not develop a signature look or even a scheme for my outfits.

In the last year or so, I was set on building a capsule wardrobe because it seemed straight-forward – make shit match. I bored of the available items long before I’d managed to build an entire wardrobe, so I kept buying eccentric low-quality pieces I’d get tired of after a couple of wears, briefly downgrade them to “homewear”, then get rid of them – the pattern from before I tried the capsule approach to my wardrobe kept repeating. I kept spending time and money, only to constantly be out of clothes to wear. Sometimes quite literally.

This made me deeply unhappy, as it reflected my lack of a healthy self-identity and needlessly complicated something as simple as getting ready for the day.

After numerous failed attempts at acquiring a sense of personal style, I finally managed to stop buying a week’s worth of clothes at a time because of my ongoing identity crisis in the last month or so.

I thrift 95% of my clothes due to a combination of stinginess, disdain for current fashion trends and not wanting to be bothered while browsing. I couldn’t justify buying new to myself and hit up the thrift shops with a friend. Of everything I tried on, I brought one sweater home. I want a pair of dark blue, flared jeans and more turtleneck sweaters, maybe some flannels – but don’t need them. Instead of panic-buying shit, I asked myself – “Is the fabric nice? Does it fit? Am I gonna wear it as an everyday thing?” The last three times I went out looking for clothes, I came home with nothing. Was it worth it?  Yeah, cause I’m not gonna throw away that sweater.

What I’d ignored before is that I was highly suggestible, didn’t know what I wanted long-term and used to always go shopping in a mood. I was also dead-set on only showcasing one facet of my personality through what I wore, whether it’d be the metalhead or the femme.

Those needed to be fixed first, just like my self-esteem when I was 12 instead of directly going to not presenting as female.

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The capsule wardrobe seemed like a universal solution to multiple problems.

This type of thinking extended to almost all areas of my life.

I engaged in black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking; thought in patterns (thanks, high school), grouped phenomena, grouped events and people together to the detriment of reaching a helpful conclusion.

When I was younger, I had to organize an unpredictable world in a way that made sense.

Astrology, psychology and numerology were the sources of some of my “universal solutions”. Type people according to their charts, gauge compatibility using Life Paths, see if their behaviors fit any mental disorder if they wrong you. Look for clues as to how your life would go, again, by reading charts again and again and a hundred times more. I’d spin my wheels on a problem for literal years.

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I thought I could solve my problems if only I understood them.

Now, I’m safe and I can let things be. I’m unlearning the seeking of patterns and explanations outside of myself. I’m glad I finally saw how wrong I was. Now I know that not all can – or has to  be – understood to be resolved.

Order is in the disorder.

[sunada-julia]

Existential nonsense

[sunada-julia]

PJ Harvey - Rid of Me

[sunada-julia]

prompt 1388

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.                                                        ― Friedrich Nietzsche