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[sundayistheday]

Part 2

I was so excited to lieve this hell hole, I used to call home and school. As I was looking through the window of the plane, grey and cold earth was slowly disappearing from my sight.

I hoped for a new life!

Why, you may ask. Well, it's because I had no chance, to live a life of a normal 10 y.o. I was restricted from going outside, made to believe that it was dangerous. Not allowed to go out with friends. (It may be the reason why, I had none). Not allowed to go to friend's house, even if we were living across the street. I was never good enough! I was very "stupid", "slow" and I am better just to shut up and listen. Or else, I would be 'punished'! Well, beaten (pretty baldly) to be frank.

It's all my father.

I was made an antisocial 'freak'!

I feel like it contributed a lot, to the fact that I never fit in.

My analysis, of my past has gotten this far. Of course not without the help of: multiple psychologists and countless psychotherapists.

The house smelt freshly painted, upon my entrance into my new home.

It was in Prague (Czech Republic), that I left a giant chunk, of my heart. In fact, it stays there, to this day. Prague is a beautiful and historic city. It's many stories and legends, as well as architecture, has fuelled my imagination, as a kid.

However, my parents couldn't live with me there. My mom had to work and my dad, wanted to be in Russia, with my mother.

I felt abandoned. Not needed. Unimportant.

The only person who was there, to stay with me, was my cousin. She is a local.

I'm so grateful to her, for being there for me, even though, she had her own life to live.

She became my only and best friend.

First days in school were extremely difficult! I was sent to a British school. So, I spoke in English there. My English, was "not perfect", to say the least. But, with practice, I was able to convey my point clearly enough.

Generally, my time there was extremely happy. I lived an actual, normal life of a child.

Friends, sleepovers, parties, sports and many more.

Some time later, my father came to live with me. Not for long... He got bored in Prague; nothing to do, nowhere to go and no friends.

Furthermore, he has developed some sort of paranoia. It was about my mother cheating on him, in secret. He went trough her emails and messages. As a result, he has found the evidence, he needed so bad. It was some conversation, in text, between my mom and my cousin. I don't remember what was in there. But, for my father it was enough, lieve me all alone, in a different country. He had to go back to Russia, to control my mom.

I was depressed, angry, very angry! I became aggressive. Almost psychotic! I could hit people around me, throw tantrums and even destroy furniture.

I became a bully in school. Once, I even broke one boy's finger. Aggression and sport were my only outlets.

I feel like, saddest part of it all was: the fact, that I didn't understand, why I was feeling like this, or how to fix it.

At least I had my friends!

However, my happiness was not meant to be forever...

It was all taken away from me. By my parents. I understand that it was all done with best intentions, to give me a better future.

It was decided that I move to England. To a Catholic, all girls school.

I had to say goodbye to all of my beloved friends and the city I called home.

[sundayistheday]

Update

I feel like puking, even though I already have earlier. But, this time it's from fear. It's there, it's very deep within me. It makes me want to rip my stomach open!

What shall I do?

Do I run, do I scream?

There is a simple explanation for my struggles: an extra apple, after my daily salad! This little obnoxious fruit! It has tempted me, with it's glorious redness.

The next thing I knew, I was shoving it down my throat. Afterwards, I knew what I had to do... And I can't stop it!

Now I've strictly decided to eat nothing more than a miso soup today. It was the only solution. But, I need to stay calm. To be in control...

*coughs up blood*

"I DON'T NEED HELP! Not yet! not yet..."

At last, I am at piece. I've stood on the scale; it positively says: 39.6kg

*sigh of relief*

I can feel every single muscle of my body slowly relax. My existence has gained some value, in an instant.

What more, do I need to make me happy?

Nothing, my friend. Nothing.....

[sundayistheday]

Evening update

Today, I woke up, not like I usually do at 5:00am, but at 6:30!!! And thought: 'well today just might be a good day'. (I was wrong)

Then, I have decided to weigh myself, since it is very important to know whether I became 'fatter'. However, to my surprise, I've lost 100g! It may seem insignificant to most, but to me it's quite a big deal. Since, I weigh at the moment 39.9 kg, with a hight of 1.68m. But yesterday, for example, I weighed 40kg. For some weird reason I am obsessed with numbers. They fascinate me, in a way. Counting calories, is also a big thing. If I eat too many calories, I feel like I will die! No joke, it's something that worries me a lot. (Even, too much) Because, I absolutely dread gaining weight.

Like any typical anorexic. But, that raises the question: 'How far, is too far?'

Ether way, I feel 'fine'. "What do I mean, by 'fine'?" Well, I mean that I am still able to move, to formulate complicated thoughts properly and to communicate. So, I ignore: feeling cold all the time and just general weakness. The cold is unbearable sometimes. But, I can't give up, I must not give in.

My arms and legs are adorned with beautiful white scars, of all shapes and sizes. But, today there was something new. An imposter!? They were bright pink bandages, on my wrist and thigh. Indicating that: I have did "it" again.

It stings a bit, especially when move. But, that's the price I have to pay, for my stupidity.

'stupid', 'ugly', 'useless', 'fat', 'lazy', 'freak'

- those were the words that demons kept on repeating, in my head... But, antidepressants help to shut them up, most of the time...

This was a sad update, but, it gives you a rough idea of what I am currently dealing with. It's very personal, and it was very hard to write this.

Good night

And I love you all, so, so much! ❤❤❤

[sundayistheday]

Introduction, Part 1

Let me give you some backstory to my 'not too bad' (in my opinion) life.

Years 1-4 I studied in Russia, in a beautiful city of St. Petersburg. It was a difficult time for me, because, I was bullied a lot by my classmates and teachers. Looking back, I sometimes think they thought I was retarded.

But, maybe, it's because of my class teacher, who hated my guts. She would agitate the whole class against me. The only place I felt free and happy was art and design class. My art teacher adored me, because I always wanted to draw something different to rest of the class and just generally be more creative.

My classmates told me every day: 'You are a mistake', 'you should die' and so on.

I felt so happy when my parents told me that I will be moving schools. But, what I didn't know was that, I'll be moving into a different country as well.

To continue.....

[sundayistheday]

Hi, I'm new here and I want to start a blog, about my life.

My very close friend suggested it. Since, it might resonate within some souls in this world who experience the same/similar things.

To help them feel like they are not alone in this.

No prejudice here towards anything, at all!!!

I did lieve out a warning in the description. But I'll do it here again just in case.

⚠️!!!WARNING!!! ⚠️: mentions of selfharm, eating disorders, suicidal tendencies and just general sedness..