superfreaksupergeek

[superfreaksupergeek]

I am in pain, it never stops

I fear that I am a walking open wound, a spigot that cannot be turned off

Hurt gushes from me in a steady stream, like blood from a gut-shot

I try to turn the knob, but the spigot keeps flowing, unceasing

Those who see me can see my anxiety, my fear, my pain, as if it were written on every inch of my skin

I try to be a good soldier. I try to be brave and strong and motivated to keep fighting

But everywhere I go I feel the eyes upon me, the pity in their gaze

They will never see me as anything but a sad little failure

A wounded cat who lashes out at the hands that stop to help

The part of me who wants to create new things, to give birth to new worlds, is the same part of me that hides under the covers and cries at night.

I give up before I start.

I fall short every time.

The tar pits of my heart are hungry for whatever affection can be absorbed, yet it is never enough. I yearn for love and admiration. I crave acknowledgement and praise. None will ever satisfy me, I am bottomless and forever empty.

I try to fill myself with food, with “medicine”, with laugh-tracks on television. I try to find information and gain knowledge and experiences so that I may feel confident in my abilities.

But no matter what I feel I am a liar, an imposter. I feel that others can see right through me. They see that I am pathetic, and lost. They see my thoughts wander into darkness, and they see the pain that envelops me against my will.

None can help me. None try, anymore. I am exhausting to them all. I am work.

I am work.

[superfreaksupergeek]

I found this crayon drawing (pictured below) that I had made over 6 months ago. I decided to try and paint another version of it with acrylics. I think the mood has changed a lot from one to another. I'm still learning how to plan out which colors to use, my husband (who is a real artist) has told me to learn color theory but I find the idea of adding something academic to my art to be intimidating. As long as I remain ignorant, my mistakes won't bother me as much I think. Someday perhaps I will strive for more, but right now I need to have fun.

[superfreaksupergeek]

This is another painting over a painting over a painting. This time I used some of Stuart Semple's neon acrylics. I think it came out kind of fun and funky.

[superfreaksupergeek]

"Too many moons"

Acrylic on canvas board

I intended the extra "moons" to be glowing alien aircraft, but according to my kids they are pokeballs. Ah, well.

[superfreaksupergeek]

I... think? I'm getting better at art?? Idk, I just play with art supplies until things like this happen. This piece did not go where I initially intended, it went somewhere far, far better.

I give you... sassy Shrek

[superfreaksupergeek]

Getting a little bit better, but still a long way to go.

[superfreaksupergeek]

I'm still very much a beginner with all forms of art. This is my progress in soft pastels. I'm getting better at blending, still need to figure out how to stop smudging colors all over the place. I know rainbows don't really show up in the dark but I liked the black background and the way it makes the colors pop. I just wish my phone camera wasn't so fuzzy from being damaged.

[superfreaksupergeek]

I don't know if I like this one or not.

[superfreaksupergeek]

Another painting on a painting on a painting. 2024

Acrylic on Canvas

I may cover this one again, as I'm not truly satisfied but I can't decide which direction it needs to go in. Nothing makes it better, only becomes more and more a reminder that I possess very little artistic skill.

[superfreaksupergeek]

Untitled (for now), 2024

Acrylic on canvas

This piece started as a very simple gradient of red, orange, yellow, and white. I hung that on my wall for about 4 years, then a couple of weeks ago I ran out of blank canvasses and started recycling old work into something new.

The blues were left over from a different painting, and I got the idea to make bubbles because I dripped a little paint water on the blue I had used to cover the gradient. Wiping up the water cleared some of the top layer away and showed a round section of gradient and it made me smile.

I enjoy contrast very much and I felt like the bright yellows and oranges peeking out were like bright spots on a rainy day. As though the sun was finding its way through a wet soggy morning.

[superfreaksupergeek]

This is glorious ♡

A year ago I made some silly Trigun fanart that brought all the bigots out of the woodworks, so I told them that everything I draw is gay, including Space Cat. And now he has a boyfriend, welcome Rainbow Cat! 🌈

[superfreaksupergeek]

I bought a small set of soft pastels and a little notebook so I could play with the colors. I've never used pastels before so there is a lot to learn. Here is an early attempt.

[superfreaksupergeek]

Looking Inward, and Upward

Acrylic on acrylic on acrylic on acrylic on canvas. 2024

This canvas has had things painted on it 5 or 6 times now. When I get tired of a painting, or realize I don't like it, I paint over it. Who knows if I'll keep this one as is, or if I'll ultimately cover it with something else. I like to think of it as layers of history, a fossil record that nobody will ever uncover.

[superfreaksupergeek]

Yesterday my pal Amy came over with her son. My youngest child adores that boy, so the two of them played wonderfully together and my friend and I got to spend time making some little booklets. Here is one of mine.

[superfreaksupergeek]

can't sleep, so here i am

I just think that every human being has an inner creative spark, a driving force inside of ourselves that urges us to *make a thing*

so many folks I imagine may be interpreting this drive as "hustle" or an entrepreneurial spirit...when really we are all just funny little guys who want to do a thing simply to see what happens next

survival mode is all we know now, even though we have more modern luxury available than ever. we are drowning in it all. awash in capitalism and consumer mentality. if we just let go of that "work work work, spend spend spend, rinse and repeat" for a few minutes and create a goofy doodad or funky piece of arts and crafts we start to see that there is an inherant joy in the act of creation.

you do not have to be an amazing artist to experience that joy, you need only have a little time and some glue and cardboard, perhaps washi tape or tempera paint or crayons. if one simply lets go of the hustle and bustle and grinding of gears one might see a glimpse of something brighter and more pure, a secret peek at a deeply seated desire to *make* simply for the enjoyment of *the making*

it is my firm belief that regularly participating in *the making* of various knickknacks and whatevers is a soul-healing, spiritual experience. when you imitate the creator, you become closer to that same creator (whomever or whatever that may be).

to take a lump of clay and create a tiny cup and saucer, to take a bit of string and make loops with a stick, to take a thin sheet of wood pulp and mark it with burnt wood...these are all tiny acts of violence against a great evil, a system which seeks to keep us all small. for when we create, when we *make*, we are staging our own little revolution against the great "I Can't".

[superfreaksupergeek]

I do not have a very good camera, nor do I have a dedicated studio or even a clean house.

But I paint sometimes. I'm learning to express myself in various colors and shapes.

[superfreaksupergeek]

New?

I have tried tumblr two or three other times and I rarely stick with it. But here I am, trying again. Who knows what this blog will be about, I am a complex organism with a lot of strange meat-ghosts in my cranium to muddle through.

I'm an artist. A parent. A neurodivergent. A trauma survivor. A student.

This could go in many different directions.