superhowls-blog

[superhowls-blog]

Fear, Inc.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. There are so many positives to come out of this time off. I've spent the last 4 weeks learning to breathe again and I'm pretty happy with where I am emotionally. I'm still taking medication, but that's fine because it's actually helping. My relationship is in a much better place and I've seen a lot of my friends and family.

I should be going into the office feeling apprehensive yet hopeful. Instead, I'm feeling angry and reluctant. In my absence, the company has re-hired the woman who bullied me viciously and without remorse for my first two weeks there. I'd never been on the receiving end of such treatment in high school, never mind from a grown adult - one who I initially admired and compared to my favourite aunt.

I feel sick at the thought of being near her, not because I'm scared of her, but because I'm scared of what I might say and do. While I'm completely justified in holding this grudge, I don't deal well with confrontation and I freeze if a situation makes me uncomfortable.

I don't expect her to do or say anything to me at all, if I'm honest. At worst, I'll probably get blanked. Whatever happens, thanks to her, I now have the advantage of experience. Trust me, no one will ever get away with treating me like that again. I won't stand for bullying against others, why should I allow it against myself?

I've been learning about communication and how to become more assertive. As people, we all have the right to:

Say "No"

Change our minds

Be illogical in making decisions

Say "I don't know" or "I don't understand"

Ask for things

Our own opinion and the right to disagree with others

Get it wrong and be responsible for our mistakes

Offer no reasons, excuses or justifications for our decisions

I've come to realise that it's habit to think I'm being selfish by asking for what I need, or I'm being difficult by disagreeing with others. My brain tells me: "It's wrong to upset people, you must always please everyone". As you and I know, it's hardly ever possible to please everyone. This results in a state of anxious indecision, with intense discomfort arising from not knowing what to do.

These involuntary feelings of insecurity and guilt are what I consider to be one of my greatest inhibitors. I'm going to use the list above to guide my interactions, so that I can become comfortable with asserting myself in potentially stressful situations. Believing in my own rights might not stop other (unnamed) people from trying to violate them, but I'll be much less likely to allow it.

[superhowls-blog]

You Kondo It!

The Japanese tidying expert, Mario Kondo, has been all over social media and news threads since releasing her Tidying Up with Marie Kondo series on Netflix. 

According to many sources, Kondo’s lessons in the dreaded task of tidying up leave even the ditsiest and laziest of homeowners with a new lease of life. In her best-selling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying, she teaches that tidying can improve mental well-being and solve problems in other areas of life. These claims are supported by my own experience, plus online sources I have browsed in the past while bored - but feel free to do your own research.

Kondo’s approach is simple yet startlingly effective; remove all items from your home which do not have a purpose or spark joy, then give each of your remaining possessions a place of its own. She advises tidying by category, in this order:

Clothing

Books

Documents

Miscellaneous

Sentimental items

Kondo also claims that if you make the effort to tidy your whole house, completely, once, you will never need to tidy like this again. This diverges from a lot of other tidying advice, which tells us to take our time and tidy by room, or perhaps a small area daily.

After watching the first episode of Kondo’s show, I knew this was something I had to try for myself. My recent nose-dive into extreme anxiety has meant my tolerance for mess is non-existent. Over the past few months, there have been tears, arguments and severe discomfort caused by simple things such as clothes which won’t fit in drawers, papers strewn over the desk and on the floor, books piled like sad office towers, spines invisible and contents unread.

I duly purchased and read Kondo’s book from cover to cover, taking notes and silently congratulating her on many occasions for both her astute observations and her simple wisdom gained through years of practice. It just made sense.

As soon as I started putting what I’d learned into practice I could feel the tightness in my gut easing. I found it easier to relax in every room of the flat and, unexpectedly, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief at getting rid of things which don’t make me happy. I didn’t realise how much I’d been hanging on to that I just didn’t need.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last, or how hard it will be to keep practicing the KonMari method once I’m back at work, but I do know that my attitude to life, my lifestyle and the things I own has improved. I have learned first-hand that whether you believe in magic or not, Marie Kondo is right: tidying can be life-changing.

Read more...

[superhowls-blog]

Virtuously Vegan

If you’d asked me a year, or even six months ago, I would have said I don’t really like vegan food. My boyfriend introduced me to Veganuary in 2018 and I spent 2 weeks being excessively picky and disappointed, before I gave up and went to KFC for a Mighty Bucket.

That experience heavily influenced my opinion of vegan dining and I turned my nose up at many suggestions throughout the rest of the year. However, in the weeks leading up to Christmas I started improving my diet and making more of an effort to be healthy. Interestingly, this seems to have coincided with almost a complete 180 where vegan food is concerned!

Being away from the office left me craving a challenge, and making Veganuary work for me has been exactly what I needed. We’re almost at the end of Veganuary 2019 and I can honestly tell you I am loving it. I put what I learned last time into practice, which is that I shouldn’t stick to it religiously. Instead, I’ve created some simple guidelines which have allowed me to be virtually vegan, a much more enjoyable concept for someone like me.

Avoid recipes with too many special vegan ingredients or meat substitutes. Go for simpler meals containing things you already know you like.

Allow meat 2 - 4 times a week. It makes being vegetarian or vegan feel great the rest of the time and makes the whole thing much easier while you’re getting used to it.

If you live with anyone who is meat or dairy free, you can still enjoy meals together by eating different versions of the same thing. For example, vegan stir fries can easily be adapted by throwing strips of cooked beef or chicken in at the end. 

On top of this, the benefits of going vegan or veggie speak for themselves: meat-free is way cheaper, I feel healthier, I’m closer to my ideal weight and my appetite for junk food has been drastically reduced.

I’ve touched on this before, but with age, our priorities change. At the age of 26, I realised my body did not deserve all the damage I was doing to it and that my life was not what I wanted it to be. Since then, I’ve made many steps forward to becoming the person who I was meant to be and surrounding myself with people and things I love. I care more about what is happening to the planet and I’m kind of shocked at how good it feels to buy vegan shower gel and put the recycling bin out. I’m not claiming to be a saint, and my actions are just a tiny drop in an ocean of good and bad, but it’s a start. A lot of good could happen if we all just made a start.

Top Veganuary Recipes

Herby mushroom pasta, BBC Goodfood

Easy, earthy and fresh.

Tip: Stir in 100g ricotta or mascarpone at the end for a creamy sauce.

Caramelized leek risotto, p.100, Virtually Vegan by Heather Whinney

Surprisingly complex with just a hint of heat.

Moroccan flatbread pizzas and green fattoush, Olive magazine (can't find a link so pics below)

Lip-smackingly fruity and delicious, especially good with full fat hummus.

Tip: If you are serving both recipes together as recommended, cut the pittas from the fattoush recipe. You won't need them.

Potato and spinach curry, p.120, Madhur Jaffrey's Curry Nation (again, no link, so see pic below)

Savoury, warming and softly spiced, it's basically the inside of a really good veggie samosa.

Tip: Serve with chapati bread, fresh salad and raita, for a non-vegan twist.

Creamy vegetable and cashew nut curry, p.139, Easy Vegan by Ryland, Peters and Small

Proves that the humble cashew can pack punch when combined with the right flavours. First vegan recipe I found that I thoroughly enjoyed.

Tip: Brown mustard seeds work just as well and use 1 fresh red chilli plus 1/2 tsp chilli flakes if you can't find dried chillies.

Black bean crunch wraps, BBC Goodfood

Sensational. You need to try these.

Tip: If, like me, you hate raw tomatoes, throw them in with the red peppers etc instead. You can sub fresh peppers for the roasted ones, black eyed beans instead of black beans, and any mature cheese will work just as well as the type suggested. For a dairy-free alternative, swap the cheese for a vegan substitute. Do not over stuff as the wraps will rip during folding.

M&S Mexican style rice and avocado pot with sweet potato fries

So easy to prepare, a real treat of a combo. The rice pot does not have that plastic, packaged taste of some M&S salads and the cold, tangy salad with the hot, sweet chips hits all the right buttons.

[superhowls-blog]

Leaving The Fast Lane

Today, I got signed off work with anxiety and low mood. It sucks, but I'm in a much better place than I was a month ago. For anyone who is struggling with the decision to take medication, my advice would be to do it. DO IT. Then do it more. I was a bad-tempered, tear-prone wreck with zero concentration and raw nerves, but for the past four weeks I've been taking tablets every day. I've been able to breathe, think and stay calm in most situations. All the CBT I've learned makes sense now that I can see my thoughts coming. There's a way to go yet, obviously, or I wouldn't be signed off work. But things are on the up.

If you've ever met me, you will not be surprised to hear that I made a list of rules regarding the next two weeks:

Accept it. I have taken the doctor's advice and I am going to be off work. I have already told my boss. There's no way around it, it's happening.

Enjoy it. This is supposed to be a break. Therefore, I need to relax, do things I enjoy and not worry about what might happen afterwards.

Use it. I want to pin down what's affecting my mental health so badly. It's so hard to decipher when you're in the eye of the storm, but I don't really have anything else to think about while I'm off, so there's no excuse.

I worked on the first and second rule this morning by sitting in my pyjamas and watching Crazy Rich Asians. I felt so guilty about not doing anything productive that I did two loads of laundry to counteract it. Baby steps.

The third rule was easier to abide by and I thoroughly distracted myself for the rest of the day by making a big ol' pile of happiness Post-Its. I wrote down all the things I could think of that give me joy so I can use them as inspiration for my activities, and I put plans into motion. My work for today is done (let's please all pretend that I'm not colour-coding my life as a substitute for my actual job because I can't sit still).

[superhowls-blog]

A Thought To Begin With

I was watching Dumplin’ on Netflix, that one about a Dolly Parton-loving teen beauty pageant contestant. My first observation was that this movie has an excellent soundtrack. The rest of it was pretty good too, with one Dolly quote sticking particularly well in my mind: “Find out who you are and do it on purpose”.

I have never been one to follow the crowd but we’ve all been guilty of judging ourselves based on how well we compare to others. As I get older, I feel less frantic and apologetic and more determined to be comfortable with my life choices, whether they are good or bad. 

This blog is a space for me to embrace all aspects of who I am, because they are what make me an almost-thirty, anxiety-ridden control freak with a life-long addiction to buying Paperchase notebooks which never get used. Expect plenty of lists, plus thoughts on food, recipes, books, reading, cats, my life in general and other nuggets of observation and reflection.