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svtkillua · 4 years ago

Text

milk and tea > 6 (final)

rating: [pg-13 / angst] genre: soulmate au pairing: todoroki shouto x reader warnings: cursing, heartbreak, angst! word count: 3k

listen while you read here! join the discord!

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 [final]

Waiting was something you used to think you were good at. You used to believe that you were fantastic at ignoring the clock and letting the hours tick by, thought that if you could handle the months of longing for Todoroki, there was nothing you couldn’t be patient for. You’d been wrong, however, completely incorrect that you were anything even remotely close to stoical. Because sitting there on the couch of your apartment, staring at the front door waiting for Todoroki to come back from his last tattoo removal appointment, you’d never felt more impatient in your entire life. Every creek of a floorboard or honk of a horn outside sent your heart racing, your skin crawling with nerves every time you glanced at your phone and another minute had passed.

You hadn’t seen him all week, not since the night after you’d been at his and Momo’s home, when you’d gone with him to his parent’s place. You could still picture the look on his face in the car ride over, could still feel the way he gripped your hand tighter than he ever had before, to the point where you could feel his pulse pounding beneath his flesh. He’d confronted them as soon as the pair of you were inside, ignoring the disapproving looks you got for being so physical, facing his demons head on even though it broke his heart completely in half.

They had denied it at first, insisted that they would never do such a thing as cover his mark, even going as far as accusing you of making things up, saying you had been putting lies into his head so he’d leave his soulmate for you. The remark stung, but nothing had hurt as much as watching Todoroki crumble apart when they finally fessed up, the look on his face one that would haunt you for the rest of your life. It was almost like a tiny part of him had been hoping he really was wrong, that maybe this was all some other weird freak soulmate mix up and that his parents hadn’t actually sabotaged the happiness he was supposed to have in life.

He’d yelled, screamed, cried until his lungs were burned to ash and his face turned beat red, a vase broken on the floor when he swore that he’d never forgive them for doing this to him. You’d never seen him so upset, never witnessed someone more broken than you had that night, curled up on your bed with his head on your chest as he sobbed until all the water was gone from his body. He’d been there when you both woke up, still curled up in bed, his fingers tangled into your own as he pressed aimless kisses along your cheek and collarbone, like he was trying to calm himself down, quiet sniffles carried over from the night before.

That was when he told you he needed a few days to process things, and as much as it broke your heart to think about being away from him anymore, you understood why he needed some space.

Everything about his life had come unraveled so quickly, things he’d wanted but never dreamed of being given to him were delivered in the worst manner possible. Things he thought were true and unbreakable were proven to be lies that easily shattered, everything he knew now brand new, like a map he had no idea how to navigate. He found out the girl he never quite loved right wasn’t made for him, discovered that his parents arranged a marriage for him and covered up a part of himself that was supposed to lead him to true happiness. He got to kiss and hold you, but also had to let you go, only to find out maybe he was supposed to be with you all along. But until the mark was gone from his hand he wouldn’t know for sure what fate had been hidden from him his entire life.

He kept insisting it wouldn’t matter if it matched yours or not, promising that his heart belonged to you no matter what. It didn’t ease the worry in your heart, however.

Because the universe had been awful to you before, had dangled hope in front of your face only for it to be ripped away and replaced with that hollow feeling you’d grown familiar with. You loathed it, you never wanted to feel it again, not after starting to get to memorize the way it felt to finally be full, to have Todoroki there next to you keeping your heart from wandering too far from his own. You had gotten close enough to hold him now and you never wanted to let go, the mere idea of his mark matching someone else yet again was enough to have you anxiously digging your nails into your palms.

You didn’t think you could handle watching him fall in love with someone else, especially when this time you knew it would stick, that with whomever his soulmark matched would be who he stuck with for the rest of his life. Of course he loved you now, but if you didn’t match, that love would fade and be given to them, whoever it was, that was lucky enough to have the same beautiful tattoo as Todoroki.

And damn it did you want it to be you.

That gold mark on your palm didn’t seem as bad when you pictured it living on Todoroki’s skin, the pigment reminding you of the warmth that seemed to pump out of his chest naturally. You could see the beauty in it when you imagined it being the same as his, didn’t want to vomit just looking at it when it was attached to the way you felt when you were around him. It didn’t seem as daunting when you reminded yourself that maybe it would allow you to be with the one person you’d ever loved like this, the one person who ever seemed to love you back.

You’d talked to Todoroki every night over the past week, listened to his voice as he rambled in your eardrum about how much he missed you, his light laughter now and then little indicators that he was slowly but surely starting to accept how things were. The thought brought you comfort, even if you were desperate to be able to see him, that he was going to be okay one way or the other. He hadn’t mentioned until yesterday that he had a few appointments with a specialist to get his dark blue tattoo removed over the past week, letting you know that this morning would be the final one.

He promised he hadn’t seen it yet, that the doctor insisted he keep it covered until it was finished healing properly. He wanted to look, you could tell from how whiny he sounded when you made him swear to tell you if it didn’t match right away, able to detect that he was just as impatient as you were.

“I’ll come over right after the appointment.” He’d promised, his voice full of vague excitement you wanted to feel yourself, eager to see him but scared of what you would both do depending on the outcome. “No matter what, it’s gonna be okay.”

You wanted to believe him.

The jiggle of the doorknob made your spine lock up, knees aching when you forced them to unbend, standing just as the sound of keys stopped, the wood pushing open. You sucked in a breathe when you saw him, his head down as he tried to shove his spare key into the front pocket of his jeans, his hair draped in front of his eyes, his jean jacket draped across his broad shoulders. It made your throat tighten, eyes trailing to his hand, which was wrapped in a bandage spanning from his fingertips to his wrist, only his thumb poking out, curiosity spiking when he finally lifted his head and looked at you.

“Todoroki.” You nearly melted seeing the way his lips lifted slightly once you saw each other, his free hand raising to rake through his hair, shutting the door with his foot. You were moving before you could stop yourself, body barreling closer to his, eyes squeezing shut as your chest molded into his strong embrace, his arm not hesitating to wrap around your waist like a boa constrictor. He felt familiar, warm, like your home you never wanted to leave, like your lighthouse in the middle of a stormy night. He felt like everything, like the sun and the moon and every star in the universe, like the one thing that you had ever wanted to memorize every detail of so you could replay its beauty forever inside your head.

“I missed you so much.” His muttered words made your grip on him tighten, the heavy exhale he puffed out making the hair on top of your head ruffle, his fingertips pressing into your hip. He leaned back enough to ghost his lips against your forehead when you looked up at him, lungs shrinking when his eyes bored into your own. His teeth dug into his bottom lip as he paused, his bandaged hand resting against your lower back as the both of you stayed pressed together, like you were the other’s anchor keeping them from drifting. “I swear I couldn’t sleep all night because I knew I’d get to see you in a few hours.”

The smile that fought its way onto the curve of your mouth made his features relax only slightly, the muscles in his neck tense when you lifted a hand up enough to let your fingers brush along the back of it, assuming it was because he was as anxious as you were. How couldn’t he be, with everything happening in such a short amount of time?

“How was your appointment?”

“Good.”

“Did you see it yet?” Your voice lifted just slightly, lips pressing into a thin line to try and hide the nerves that were filling you up to your brim.

“No.” His head shook before he even answered, taking a step back to lift his hand up between the two of you, the bandages seeming paper thin the longer you stared at them. They were the only thing left standing between the both of you and the future of your relationship, the one barrier stopping you from finally being together, but also the one wall defending you both from getting let down once again. “I wanted us to see it together.”

Your head bobbed as you swallowed, stomach full of nerves that felt like stinging wasps, lips pursing as you exhaled all the air from your body in an attempt to calm down. It was useless, really, because your brain was going a mile a minute working out the possibilities, heart near ripping at the seams the second you let a finger brush against the start of the bandage resting right in the middle of his palm. Your pulse felt too strong, your eyes burning with the worry that was bubbling up your esophagus, lashes fluttering closed as your teeth dug into your bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

“Hey.” His whisper made your eyes open, hand raising and cupping your cheek, keeping your head angled towards him. The way he stared at you made it feel like the world had slowed down, gaze dancing across his features to take in every single inch. Even with the way the edges of your vision were blurred from unshed emotions you could see how breathtaking he was. “I love you, no matter what. Remember? We’re going to be okay, regardless of what’s under this bandage. Okay?”

Your quiet sniffle was accompanied by a small nod as he leaned down enough to mold his forehead into your own, noses brushing as his lips ghosted against yours, not enough to be considered a kiss, more like you were just breathing him in. His proximity brought your nerves down slightly, his grip on you staying tight as you blindly started to unwind the cloth from around his palm, your gazes glued together as his bottom lip shook, his heartbeat palpable against your cheek from the contact of his palm there.

It felt like everything had been leading to this, like from that first moment in the park the both of you had been meant to end up here, in your apartment, with your fragile hearts on the line, that pigment on Todoroki’s palm the deciding factor on what would happen now. It was all so heavy, like the walls were closing in on you, like you were wrapped in a comforter but far too tightly, to the point where it was near suffocating. Every emotion imaginable was dancing through your veins, good and bad, happy and dreadful, hopeful and lost, every single way a human could feel but all bundled up into a jumbled mess that was crushing you.

The bandage slipped from your fingers as it finished unravelling, falling to a mess on the floor neither of you bothered reaching for. Todoroki’s fingers flexed when your own skimmed against his wrist, his vision boring into your own as he tried to look less anxious than he felt, adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed down his heart that had made a home in his throat. With a nod from you, he mimicked the action, the both of you pausing for a beat longer before you looked away from each other, like you were remembering what being close felt like incase it was the last time you’d get to be.

With a deep breathe you slowly dipped your head down, his palm coming into view, resting between your bodies while facing up towards the ceiling.

And there, going from the base of his hand straight up to the tip of his middle finger, was the most beautiful strip of gold you’d ever seen.

There on his hand was your soulmark, the one you thought matched no one, the one that made you upset and angry and bitter and so full of disdain for so long. The one that made you despise yourself at times, that made you question why you were the way you were, why no one was supposed to want you, why you had to be alone. That stupid gold line that you’d almost hated for so long now made your heart burst, a sob slipping from your lips as your hand raised and covered your mouth as you tried to muffle the sounds falling out of you, eyes blurring with an onslaught of tears because you’d found it.

You’d finally found your soulmate.

And it was Todoroki.

He pulled you back into his chest as he sniffled, arms enveloping you as his nose buried against the side of your neck, your eyes squeezing shut as you gripped him as tightly as you could, your bodies swaying as your back shook from the crying, his lips pressing into your collarbone over and over again. It was everything you’d ever wanted, for his mark to match yours, for your heart to have someone to hold onto, for you to be able to love someone with all of you. He was everything you could have ever dreamed of and you’d known your heart belonged to him from the day you met.

And finally, after so long, after so much pain and struggling and longing, he got to be yours too.

“I love you so much.” His hands raised to cup your cheeks, his lips melting into yours repeatedly, in languid, lazy kisses, ones with so little effort but so much emotion lingering behind them. Every one felt like a bandaid being placed over the wounds the world had inflicted on you both, slowly undoing the damage that the circumstances you’d been in had done to you, healing the pain in your bones until all you felt was each other. You never felt something as perfect as the way it felt to be his. “So damn much.”

“I love you too.” The words were muffled against his lips as he lingered closer to you, your fingers combing through his hair as his grip abandoned your face to instead grip the backs of your thighs, pulling your body closer, raising onto the tips of your toes with a gentle laugh against his mouth. His lips pulled into a smile against yours, your skin feeling hot as he abandoned the kiss to instead pepper them along your cheeks, nose and forehead, ending with one on each eyelid as they drifted shut. “I always have.”

“I knew it was you.” He whispered, his eyes swimming with the things he was finally allowed to feel, his head shaking as your lips made gentle contact with the curve on the corner of his mouth. “From that first day in the part, from the moment I saw you, I knew. I knew that I was made for you and no one else. It’s always been you, you’re it for me. You’re a part of me, and you always will be now. We don’t have to fight it anymore.”

You sniffled as your lashes fluttered, eyes opening so you could peek up at him as the light peered from the window and painted his cheek, his thumb brushing against your damp bottom lip as his grin spread. You’d never seen anything in your life more beautiful than the pure happiness oozing off his features, feeling content knowing that even if the world had tried to break him he still was greatful it ended him up there with you. That even though he felt like he’d lost it all, he’d gained something better, someone better for him, someone who loved him with every single cell in their body. Someone who would be with him until the end and would love him even longer after that.

And that someone, was you.

[previous chapter]

a/n: and there it is! the finale!! i hoped you all enjoyed this spur of the moment christmas/holiday gift from me to you <3 since this is being posted on christmas night, i hope you all enjoyed your day to the fullest and filled up on a bunch of delicious foods and got/shared all the gifts you wanted! -aikigai

#todoroki x reader #todoroki #shouto #todoroki shouto #shouto todoroki #todoroki smut #todoroki angst #todoroki fluff #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #milk and tea fic

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

milk and tea > 5

rating: [pg-13 / angst] genre: soulmate au pairing: todoroki shouto x reader warnings: cursing, heartbreak, angst! word count: 6k

listen while you read here! join the discord!

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - chap 5 - 6 [final]

“This is too much for one person to handle.” Your voice sounded heavy, eyes glued out the window as a few buildings zoomed past your line of sight, the seatbelt across your chest digging uncomfortably into the crook of your neck. Your hand felt like it was burning, the line of gold seeming different now, making your heart thud and anxiety sour through your veins, your blood boiling with anger and confusion. None of it made sense and the longer you digested the information the more it seemed to make your nausea grow, stomach churning when your eyes stayed glued to your palm as you spoke softly into the confining space of Awase’s car. “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“I know.” Awase’s voice was deep, the kind of sound you could fall asleep too easily at night, laced with the same worry and confusion that was brewing violently in your heart. His hands were clutching the steering wheel when you glanced at him, the white hue from his knuckles giving away his emotions more than the absent look on his face was, his lips parted slightly as he sighed. “You’re positive mine’s the same as hers? As theirs?”

Your head bobbed before you muttered a quiet yes, remembering the way his face had twisted when you explained everything to him, there in that café patio an hour ago, coffees long forgotten between you. You hadn’t stopped to think if you should figure things out first, didn’t question the words as they tumbled past your lips, speaking truths that were hard for either of you to understand just yet. Awase had been rightfully baffled, shocked and unsure of your confidence in their matches all marking, after all it had never been heard of.

Part of you suspected he didn’t want to get his hopes up, that he didn’t even want to allow a daydream where maybe he did have a soulmate. If he was anything like you, he knew how disappointing things were when you came down from the high inside your head, when reality smacked you back into place with a reminder of how alone you were.

“I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have told you.” Your voice lifted slightly at the end, like you were unsure yourself if your actions had been right, Awase’s eyes landing on you for a second at a stop sign, his lips pulling into a faint smile as he loosened his grip on the wheel enough to return his knuckles to their usual hue.

“I’m glad you told me, it’s just a lot to take in.” He swallowed harshly, tongue poking out to wet his flushed lips as his head shook slightly from side to side. You shifted in your seat, eyes flickering once to his palm as his hand left the steering wheel to instead scratch at the back of his neck, something you figured was an anxious habit. “I thought I didn’t have a soulmate and now I apparently match two other people’s marks. I’m just confused as to what’s happening, and thrown off, I guess. I’ve never heard of this happening.”

“Neither have I.” Your gaze shifted back out the window as his GPS quietly rattled off which street he needed to go down, the ticking of his blinker sounding loud as you both fell into silence. You weren’t sure what to say to calm the screaming voices in your head, weren’t sure how to make yourself less confused when you had no idea where to start looking for answers. Awase hadn’t been sure either, which had led the both of you into his car, where you typed in Todoroki and Momo’s address into his phone.

You kept picturing the look on Todoroki’s face when he’d interrupted the two of you barely an hour and a half ago, kept swallowing harshly when you remembered the way his voice shook with strain. He didn’t look angry at you for ignoring him, but hurt, like you’d ripped away the last piece of himself he felt like he had ahold of, like you’d left him all alone in the ocean with no life raft to help him stay afloat. You’d been trying to save yourself from the pain in your chest, but in the process had left Todoroki stranded all alone, where nothing could help him from crumbling apart.

You knew the pressure he was under, knew from that night you had together that he’d never been quite this vulnerable before. He was lost and you were supposed to be his constant, his guide through things even when seeing each other was becoming painful. He’d wanted you to be there, wanted you to know he loved you even if he couldn’t do it publically, and you’d left him. In a way you were selfish, because your form of comfort was ignoring him, when his only form of comfort had been you.

He didn’t have anyone to turn to with his problems, didn’t have a Midoriya to listen when he cried about the girl he loved, who most definitely wasn’t his soulmate. He didn’t have a family that would support him and love him regardless of his choices, didn’t have a group to back him up when he needed it. All he had had was you, and you’d all but abandoned him for a week, only for him to finally see you again when you were with another guy.

You partially knew what it could have looked like to him, like you’d been avoiding him because you were trying to move on with someone else, like you’d given up on the love you felt because it could never blossom. You wondered if he thought that of you, if he imagined you seeking out other men as much as you pictured him falling into Momo’s arms when you felt at your lowest.

“We’re here.”

Your head lifted from it’s direction towards your lap, eyes dancing once from Awase to the building waiting just through his window, the huge cherry blossom tree outside too brightly colored for the way your mind was swimming. Every emotion imaginable felt like it was bubbling just beneath the surface, your hands shaking as Awase unlocked the doors and climbed out without an ounce of hesitation. You were envious of how outwardly calm he looked, even if he was probably as anxious as you were.

The short walk across the street and up the front stairs felt like a thousand miles for the way your knees were trying to buckle, your fingers scrunching into your palms as Awase knocked on the painted red, wooden surface. His hands shoved into his jeans then, you noted, his blue flannel shirt blowing out behind his back as a breeze carried the smell of his cologne past your nose, his eyes flickering once over to yours as a quiet ‘just a moment’ came from inside.

Your heart leapt to your throat when the door opened, Momo standing there with her hair pulled into a low ponytail, an apron half tied around her hips and a dot of flour dusted onto her cheek. Her eyes didn’t even glance to you when Awase sucked in a sharp breath of air, like for a moment she didn’t realize he wasn’t alone, her hands wiping delicately onto the front of her apron as a breeze blew a strand of her hair across the front of her neck. Awase fidgeted on the spot, clearing his throat and turning his head slightly to look at you, like he was asking you what to say.

As if you had any clue yourself.

“Momo.” Her head turned towards you quickly but her eyes dragged behind, lingering on Awase’s face until he glanced down at his shoes, hands shuffling, still in the confines of his pockets. Your teeth dug into your bottom lip when your gaze locked with hers, hating the way insecurities started to fester in the back of your mind, wash of guilt nearly knocking you over when you remembered the way Todoroki’s lips had felt on your lips. That guilt only grew when you felt the ring he’d left with you twisting on your twiddling finger, throat clearing once even though your volume didn’t grow. “Can we come inside, please?”

It took her a moment to nod, her eyes blinking a few times as she pulled the door further open and stepped back enough to let you both past. You vaguely heard her introduce herself to Awase as you slipped your shoes off, catching the way he smiled when she stumbled over a stray pair of slippers left by the door. His name rolled off his tongue easily as she shook her head at her own clumsiness, a blush on her cheeks just barely visible from the dim light in the hall.

The place looked the same as when you’d been in it, but also somehow different, now holding furniture and pictures and life. It was a home instead of a house now, the place Todoroki and Momo’s love was supposed to grow into its destiny, even if to yourself it felt like a prison, a manifestation of the things you lacked. The walls were painted a pale grey, the furniture the same navy blue as the lines on their palms, a set of stairs directly down the hall lined with photos from trips they’d taken, scattered with nicnacs and memories you didn’t care to know the stories of.

You loathed how it made you want to vomit, the jealousy creeping through your bones, rattling any of the confidence you had left.

“Where’s Todoroki?”

“He’s upstairs, we were about to make dinner.” Momo stepped past you after a moment, leading the pair of you towards the open concept kitchen, her voice unwavering but her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides as she stepped towards a ball of dough she’d left on the counter. “Why?”

“We need to talk to the both of you.” Awase’s voice rang beside your ear as his palm landed on your lower back, as if he could tell how anxious being there was making you, let alone how confused and frustrated you still felt. Everything felt too big, too surreal to actually be happening, Awase’s free hand still shoved in his pocket like a bomb he was scared to set off.

“About what?” Momo’s nose scrunched slightly as she glanced at the pair of you from where she was lazily forming small dumplings on the counter, tossing them one by one into a pot of boiling water. She licked her lips once as she let her eyes flicker towards your neck, reminding you of the necklace hanging there, the one Todoroki had given you, the one that made her suspicious enough to confront you before.

You pretended not to notice the way it made her nostrils flare as she sucked in a delicate breathe.

“It’s complicated.” You sighed, switching your weight from foot to foot, hand raising to rub at your shoulder aimlessly when you heard the stairs start to creek faintly. It immediately made your heart thud in your chest, body turning on instinct enough to see Todoroki as he came into view, his white socks clashing with the dark floor as he focused on the phone clasped between his fingers.

His hair was wet, a towel draped around his neck as his lips parted, a breathe falling from them, not loud enough for you to hear but it felt like it had knocked the wind out of you. His skin looked incredible, your pulse quickening the closer he got, nerves firing all at once when his head finally lifted and he spotted the three of you. His gaze moved from Momo to Awase before it landed on you, his tired eyes blinking a few times as he abandoned his phone on the breakfast bar.

“Todoroki.” You exhaled his name like his hands were squeezing your lungs, draining every drop of oxygen from your system. You swallowed, feeling a wash of calm for the moment his eyes lingered on your own, hating the feeling that grew in your chest when his eyes fell to Awase, who was still stood beside you with his hand on your lower back. For a moment his eyes flashed with an emotion you didn’t know, his bottom lip tucking beneath his front teeth.

“What are you two doing here?” His voice was vaguely hoarse, the way it sounded when he’d been crying or yelling, and it made your bones ache. It made you want to run over an wrap your arms around him, the pull in your heart like a magnet more powerful than the moon to the shores.

“They need to talk to us.” Momo cleared her throat after she spoke, trying to cover up the small waver in her voice. She tossed the last of the dumplings into the large pot of water before she turned around, hands wiping once again on her apron as her back leaned into the countertop.

“About what?” Todoroki’s eyebrows rose as he pulled the towel from around his neck, figure turning away from you in a way that felt like a subtle pinch to your heart, a bit of guilt for ignoring him spreading up your spine. Maybe it had hurt him like you suspected, maybe it had felt like you were shoving him away when he so desperately had wanted to hold onto you.

“About your soulmarks.” You pressed your lips into a thin line, Awase sucking in a sharp breathe beside you as his head bobbed in a nod, neither of you exactly sure how to bring the subject up subtly. His hand fell away from its place on your back, your teeth grinding together as you watched Momo’s brows furrowed together slightly in confusion, Todoroki’s back still towards you.

It was silent enough for a pin drop to be heard, neither Momo or Todoroki saying anything, as if they were waiting for yourself or Awase to further explain, though neither of you knew how. You looked over at Awase as he shifted his weight, his eyes catching onto yours as you nodded once towards his hand, resting your own flat against the marble island in front of you. There was a rustle from his hand being pulled out if his jean pocket, before he was holding it up like he was waving without any movement, the bold blue lines vibrant with the overhead light beaming down on him.

Momo audibly gasped, her hands raising subconsciously to cover her mouth as she stared, feet quickly padding across the wood floors so she could get a better look. The sound caught Todoroki’s attention as he finally turned, his thin white t-shirt collecting small dark circles from the drips of water coming from his hair, eyes flickering from your face to Awase’s hand twice before staying settled there on his palm. You swallowed hard, ignoring the boulder in your esophagus as your eyes danced between the three of them, wondering what they were all thinking, what they were all feeling.

You’d never seen anyone with your mark before, let alone been in the same room as two people who matched you.

“What’s going on?” Momo sounded out of breath as she hesitantly reached her hand forward to grab ahold of Awase’s as it lowered, his eyes glued to her face as she squinted down at his palm. You watched as she slid a finger over the main line of his mark, noting how she skipped over the small cut he still had healing across the center of the flesh.

“We don’t know.” Awase’s voice was hushed, like if he spoke too loud he’d scare her away, his lips pursing, puckered momentarily outward as he took a peek at you in his peripheral vision. You didn’t notice Todoroki had moved until you felt the warmth of his body closer to your own, his footsteps quiet until he came to rest between you and Momo’s sides. “After you two left the café she saw my hand, and said she’d seen it before.”

“I knew it was yours.” Your eyes shifted up to Todoroki, his own gaze focused on Awase’s palm as Momo held it, her own dark lines brushing against his fingertip before she placed her hands on the counter. You swallowed when Todoroki’s focus shifted over to you, eyes unreadable as his tongue poked out to wet his lips, and you swore for a second he was trying to tell you something with the look on his face, but you didn’t know what, voice shrinking with his proximity. “Both of yours, I mean.”

You’d missed his warmth, missed the heat that radiated from him so naturally when you were next to him, your arm feeling like it was being baked by the sun when his body weight shifted so he was closer to you. His fingers subtly nudged your own where your hands both hung by your thighs, the island blocking them from view, your body temperature spiking when you looked away from his face to instead focus back on Awase and Momo. You tried to keep your reaction neutral as Todoroki’s pinky finger slowly hooked with yours, fingers one by one all clasping into your own until your palms were flush together, heart thumping steadily like he was an anchor keeping you from drifting too far from his shore.

It was amazing how a simple touch from him was enough to have you near bursting at the seems, things seeming to blur in your mind for a moment as all you could focus on was how good it felt to be touching him. When your grip on him tightened he squeezed right back, your cheek burning where he was staring at you until Awase spoke up.

“I don’t understand how this can be happening.” He scratched at the back of his neck for a moment, bodyweight leaning into the counter before him as his teeth dug into his plump bottom lip. “It’s impossible for three people to be soulmates, right?”

“Right.” Todoroki’s head bobbed once slightly, his voice soft as he brushed his thumb along your own, chest rising and falling steadily as he glanced between Awase and Momo. Momo was staring at Awase for a beat, her eyebrows bunched together as she absentmindedly picked at the nail polish half chipped off her fingers. “None of this makes any sense.”

There was a lull in the conversation as the three of them all glanced between each other like one of them would suddenly have an answer, your face turning back up to look at Todoroki while he thought, admiring the way his skin looked when the light caught onto it. He looked incredibly tired, stressed, like the shower he’d taken had done little to relax the voices screaming in his eardrums, like he was desperate to shut the world away for a while and just breathe on his own. You moved closer to him without thinking, feeling Momo glancing at you but swallowing down the small amount of guilt it caused, resting your freehand on the countertop.

“Let me see your hands.”

For a moment, you’d thought Momo was talking to you and Todoroki, your eyes flickering down to your connected palms before Awase held out his own. Todorokis grip on you vanished as he lifted his hand up, both of the boys palms facing the ceiling as Momo placed her own between them, your chest aching in a way that made it hard to ignore. Your eyes burned but you blinked away the stinging in them, leaning forward slightly as Momo had to look over the blue lines that stained their skin.

“I read about something, a couple months ago.” Momo sounded half focused on what she was saying, her finger skimming along Awase’s hand before it moved to brush along Todoroki’s, a small pang of jealousy itching at the back of your throat. You ignored it best you could when she looked quickly over at you with a bob of her head. “It was right after Todoroki’s birthday, when he decided to stay at your place rather than go to dinner with me and his parents.”

She paused for a moment as you folded your arms across your stomach, her voice not full of malice or anger but rather a hint of sadness, of a pain you didn’t think you could really grasp. Because while you were longing after Todoroki for months, she had been watching him crave someone else for the entirety of time she knew him. Even if he’d never said it to her, and even if he tried his hardest to never let it show, she knew that while he cared about her, it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

Maybe Todoroki loved her, yes, but not in the way she wanted.

Not in the way soulmates were supposed to love each other.

“I was up one night, reading these articles online, in this poor state of mind, and I came across this article. These parents illegally had their child’s mark covered at some underground tattoo place, having it match another family’s child so they’d think they were soulmates. It was almost like some awful form of an arranged marriage. The kids only figured it out when they were older and one of them found a baby picture from before they covered his mark.” She trailed off, her eyes flickering between Todoroki’s palm and Awase’s, your mind reeling as the pieces in your mind seemed to slowly be clicking into place.

“I didn’t think it could have happened, because neither of us had ever met someone else with our marks before.” Momo looked over at Todoroki as his focus turned towards her, her eyes a bit red as she blinked a few times and smiled faintly at him. She looked as tired as Todoroki did, like she’d been fighting a losing battle for a long time and was finally ready to give up. “I knew neither of us felt right, that neither of us thought things were how they were supposed to be. You’d felt something for someone else, and I…”

Her voice trailed off as she took a glance at Awase, who was staring at her with such a strong gaze it made her cheeks flush with pink.

“I saw you once,” She said to him, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as his head bobbed in a nod, like he remembered it too. Your eyebrows bunched together as another punch of confusion ghosted over your features. Todoroki’s hand left the counter to once again clasp down into your own, grip tighter than before. “at a train station. It was crowded and we bumped into each other, you had on gloves and I didn’t see your hands but I felt…something when I saw your face.”

“I felt it too.” Awase interjected, his eyes flickering down to the counter as his fingers bent to form a loose fist, his lids dropping shut as he sighed heavily. “I tried to look for you but when I did you were with a guy and too far gone. I figured it was just my imagination and I let it go.”

“It’s why I asked our parents for baby pictures a few months ago, I was thinking maybe I could find some proof that we weren’t supposed to be together.” Momo said, forcing herself to look away from him and instead focusing back on Todoroki, who you were sure also noticed the way both Awase and Momo’s cheeks were flushed with pink hues of warmth. “I didn’t find anything in mine, though.”

The silence that fell was heavy as Todoroki and Momo shared a look that felt too intimate for yourself and Awase to be watching, like you were witnessing a couple splitting apart, and perhaps you were. Maybe the both of them had felt it for a long time, that something was wrong with their supposedly destined relationship. Neither of them had brought it up, but both could tell that the other wasn’t happy, that they were forcing things when they shouldn’t have to. Momo shouldn’t have had to fight to have time with Todoroki when he was supposed to always want to be with her. Todoroki shouldn’t have felt so alone when Momo was right there, shouldn’t have never felt understood when she’d brush off his complaints like mere feathers on her shoulders.

Neither of them was right for the other, but they both cared enough to keep quiet, because they thought it was what they were supposed to do.

“Did you check mine too?” Todoroki spoke up, his head shaking slightly as a drip of water from his hair skimmed his cheekbone when it fell.

“Every single one.” Momo sighed as she pushed her hand through her hair, slipping her elastic onto her wrist as the strands hung loosely behind her neck, framing her cheeks like she was a beautiful painting. “I found nothing. I’m not really sure where to look for answers. It could have been either of our families, hell it might not have even been them. This could all be something else.”

“It’s not something else.” Todoroki’s voice grew harder, eyes floating shut as his jaw clenched down tight, all the air leaving his lungs as he shook his head. His grip on you grew more firm as his nostrils flared, your free hand raising to gingerly brush his shoulder when his eyes snapped back open. “It was my parents. I know it was, I’m positive.”

“Todoroki.” Your tone was timid compared to his own, body moving closer to his when his face turned towards you, his eyes burning red and full of irritation, tears starting to build in his waterline. You’d never seen him look more furious, more heartbroken, his hand leaving yours as he scrubbed at his eyes and immediately turned to go outside, the door slamming behind him and a silence enveloping the three of you still standing around the marble island.

You swallowed, staring at the door where his figure had just been, body aching to be following his, that pull in your chest stronger than ever knowing how upset he was. You couldn’t blame him for feeling so angry, for being so broken that he just wanted to fall apart where no one could see him. You knew pain, you knew the hurt that spread through your bones when you realized you didn’t have a soulmate. You were familiar with the hollow that made a home in you with the thoughts and voices constantly in your head, the never-ending reminders of your loneliness and heartache.

But you didn’t know how Todoroki felt.

His own parents had betrayed him, had set him up for a life where he’d never really get to be happy, not how he was supposed to. They lied to their son for their entire lives thus far, all so he’d marry someone he was never really supposed to love in the first place, and in the fallout from their actions they had crushed him. They had made Todoroki so full of guilt and longing that the weight of the world was piled up onto his shoulders. They made him loathe himself for not loving Momo the way he was supposed to, made him long after someone that maybe he could have had all along had they not sabotaged him out of selfishness.

Your body carried you out the door before you over thought things, not bothering to put your shoes back on as your feet made contact with the cold concrete of the front steps. You paused there while the door shut, watching Todoroki’s back as it rose and fell slowly from where he was sat on the curb, a car passing by making some of the fallen flower petals bustle past his figure. His shirt looked brighter from the way the streetlamps were hitting him, the sky turned a dark blue as night began to take over.

He was mute when you sank down into the spot beside him, your thighs pressed against each others as you rested your hands on your knees, staring up at the sky as he sniffled beside you. He didn’t move for a minute or so until he shifted enough to lift his head, eyes falling onto you when you turned enough to stare back at him. You were itching to touch him when you noticed the wet trail down his cheek, heart feeling like it was being hammered into bits and pieces as he leaned in and rested his forehead against your shoulder, his lips parted as he sucked in a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry, Todoroki.” Your voice was a whisper as he slid his arms slowly around your middle, pulling your body closer to his own as his head fell to instead press into the crook of your neck, his nose nudging the side of your throat while his fingers dug into your back. Your cheek pressed into the top of his head as your fluttered your lids closed, letting him melt his body weight into you, savoring the warmth of his chest as the wind blew. “I’m so sorry.”

“I just can’t believe they’d do this to me. I know that we don’t always agree on things, but how could they just let me be so fucking miserable and pretend that it was all in my head.” His voice shook as it muffled against your collarbone, the reverberations making subtle goosebumps raise on the back of your neck. “What kind of person does that to someone they’re supposed to love?”

“Maybe it wasn’t them, Todoroki. We don’t know if that’s what really ha-”

“It was them.” He cut you off with a slight shake from his head, his shoulders raising as he pulled back enough to stare at you. His hair was a mess, now half air dried and sticking at odd angles, lips puffy from how much he kept licking and biting at them, eyes still stained with redness. “I know it was them. They always wanted a certain life for me, and they decided that was most important. They decided money and power and image were more important than their son’s fucking happiness.”

Your hand reached back behind you so you could grab onto his own, pulling it forward and clasping your palm so it was flush against his, hiding his blue lines from his view. He pressed his lips into a line as you lifted your other hand to brush the hairs away from his eyes. He leaned into your touch, eyes falling shut as his cheek pressed against the warmth of your fingers, like he was making sure you weren’t a daydream. It was hard for you to believe yourself that he was real, with the streetlamp casting a halo silhouette around his mess of white and red hair, eyes shining even in the dark, swimming with all the emotions that had started to pour from his soul.

“You should talk to them, confront them about it.”

“I will, but not tonight. I can’t tonight.” Todoroki blinked twice before letting his hand slip away from your own, reaching up to scrub at his exhausted eyes as you let your palm slip to rest against his chest, feeling his heartbeat as it hammered away. He leaned forward enough to press his lips to your forehead, muttering against the skin as your touch drifted from his cheek to instead plant on the crook of his neck. “I just need some time to process everything.”

You nodded as he languidly untangled himself from you completely, hands grabbing onto your own as he helped you stand, immediately slipping his arms back around your middle to hug you to his chest as he took a deep breathe, the smell of his cologne like you were being welcomed home after too much time away. Your arms looped easily around his hips, pressing your bodies so they were cemented together as he pressed a chaste kiss to your shoulder, savoring in the feeling of having you so close for a moment.

He felt like he was broken.

But you were broken too.

“It’s almost ironic. This is like some awful version of what I always wanted.”

You leaned back to look at him when he spoke, his tongue poking out to wet his lips as his fingers started to toy with the ends of your hair, careful not to tug too hard. Your eyebrows rose slightly, as if you were asking him to go on, lips parted as you took a gentle breathe when the wind blew chills onto your bare legs.

“I used to always hope that somehow I wouldn’t be her soulmate, that I’d have at least a shot at being with you, properly.” He mumbled, your heart thudding at the quiet confession as his lips spread into a half smile, one laced with heartache and framed with disappointment for the way the world had granted his wish. “I always pictured myself just waking up with your mark, not something like this. I guess I just never imagined it would be because of my parents being more selfish than loving.”

“It might not have been them, Todoroki.”

He shook his head at your optimism, his lips pressing once more into your forehead as he let his touch leave your body, except for his hand that tangled back into yours. He picked up your free one, kissing the middle of your palm and moving you slightly so your soulmark was in the light, his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed, like he was trying to force a lump down his esophagus, one that was making it hard for him to breathe. He was silent for a moment as he held you there and stared, taking in the gold as your fingers flexed slightly in an attempt to free your hand, not liking to look at it for so long. Even with things unraveling around you, you didn’t like to look your mark, like it was a reminder of all the torment soulmates had caused you, all the longing that left scars on your heart.

“I wonder if mine looks like this, underneath the tattoo.” He muttered, mostly to himself, his eyes dancing over to you once before he was focusing back on your palm, finger tracing a line right down the strip of pigment on your skin. The image made your lungs shrink as you tried not to get your hopes up too high, the grip you had on his hand tightening when your eyes burned at the thoughts that started to rush to your head, dark ones that were used to broken hopes.

“What if it doesn’t?”

His eyes turned back towards you, lips parting, like he was surprised by your question. You couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop yourself from wondering what would happen now. Sure, in your heart you wanted it to be Todoroki, you wanted the person you matched to be him more than anything you’d ever longed for in your entire life. You wanted that tattoo on his palm to get removed and you wanted to find a strip of gold waiting there for you all along. But you had gotten used to the disappointment, familiar with the let downs when your dreams came crashing back to earth, leaving you broken and unable to really fit the pieces back together.

“It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t.”

He sounded firm, confident as he let your palm go and opted to cup your cheek instead, a car driving by that casted bright lights on him for a moment. He took a deep breath, leaning forward and letting his eyes drop shut as his lips ghosted over your own before he kissed you fully. It wasn’t full of dramatic passion, wasn’t laced with the longing you’d both felt for so long, wasn’t desperate and needy like you were scared you’d never get to taste him again. It was gentle, soft, quiet like the world around you had melted away and all that was left was the simultaneous beatings of your hearts when he pulled back so your noses were brushing, voice barely audible as he whispered.

“I’m yours, no matter what.”

[previous] - [next chapter]

#todoroki #todoroki shouto #shouto #shouto todoroki #todoroki x reader #todoroki angst #todoroki smut #todoroki fluff #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #milk and tea fic

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

milk and tea > 4

rating: [pg-13 / angst] genre: soulmate au pairing: todoroki shouto x reader warnings: cursing, heartbreak, angst! word count: 6.1k

listen while you read here! join the discord!

1 - 2 - 3 - chap 4 - 5 - 6 [final]

The sky was dull every day during the week that passed, like the rain had sucked all the color from it and drained it away, clouds thick and dark like a threat from up above. Most people had been staying inside, couped up with their mid day coffees and bundled in blankets, cuddled up with the person they loved to keep them warm. Part of you wondered if that was where Todoroki was, if he was at home curled up in Momo’s lap with his head on her shoulder, if he’d already washed away the emptiness from the week before. The same emptiness that was eating you whole, swallowing up any joy left inside you every time you remembered the way his lips had felt against your own.

Todoroki was gone when you woke up that morning a week ago, the smell of his cologne still bathed into the sheets when you hugged them just a little bit tighter to your chest. The apartment had felt dead, as hollow as your chest did when your eyes opened to find nothing there beside you in bed. Everything was unfair, all of it, getting to kiss him once but knowing you never would again, getting to memorize how he sounded when he said ‘ I love you ‘ but never getting to utter it back to him for the rest of your lives. It had made your eyes burn, made you scream into your pillow to muffle the sound as much as you could, made your nails dig into your palms until they left marks.

Your apartment had been suffocating, the ghost of Todoroki still vivid on your bed and beside your front door, still following you in a way that made it hard to breathe. You didn’t think you could be there for a while, could be in the place where both your desperate ‘I love you’s‘ were bouncing off the walls, reverberating into your bones and making them shake. You couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t keep on acting like you were fine and continue trying to bottle everything up inside. The seal on your feelings had been broken and you couldn’t stuff them all back in where no one could see them, everything now up at the surface, letting you appear cracked and broken.

Somehow that had lead you to Midoriya’s, where you cried into his chest for a solid hour while he held you on the sofa, where he listened to the words that poured past your lips without anything spewed back from his own mouth. He’d been more than kind, promising it would be okay, bringing you tea making you stay in their guest room so you wouldn’t have to go home just yet. He didn’t judge you, didn’t tell you how horrible you’d been to catch feelings for someone who was accounted for, his eyes full of worry for your distressed state every day since you’d shown up at his place one week ago.

Your eyes fluttered shut as your head tipped back, body curled up on the sofa in Midoriya’s living room, his soulmate out of town, himself in the kitchen making the both of you lunch, his hums loud enough for you to hear. Todoroki had tried to call you every day, but you’d been too scared to talk to him just yet, guilt like a weight on your chest every time you hit the ignore button. Every time he’d send you a text after, simple texts that held so much love behind them, the words laced with worry and aching and all the pain you could feel in your chest mimicked in jumbled together letters. Everything hurt, like you’d worked out far too hard but didn’t stretch afterwords, like your muscles were contracted and too tight to loosen back to normal.

When you opened your eyes again you caught sight of it, the diamond still placed on your finger as the ring twisted from the way your hands were wringing together, lungs burning like they were full of smoke as you skimmed your touch over it.

Todoroki hadn’t taken it when he left, the jewelry still on your finger when you’d woken up, and despite how heavy your chest felt, you couldn’t bring yourself to take it off. Maybe if you kept it on long enough you could pretend it was a part of you, maybe it could be what you looked at on days you were the most lonely and could think of Todoroki without the unimaginable pain that came laced with his image now.

You wondered if it would get easier eventually, if maybe in a few months you wouldn’t regret getting to kiss him or tell him you loved him, that maybe you’d get to look back at it and feel thankful rather than devastated. It didn’t feel like it would, like a wound that was too big to heal, a gaping hole in the shape of your heart blown right through your rib cage. Maybe one morning you’d wake up beside another man and think that you loved him even more than you loved Todoroki, even if the mere idea made bile rise in your throat, the thought enough to make your head shake as Midoriya’s figure approached you on the sofa.

“Here.” He hummed, hands extending as he plopped down beside you, passing over a bowl of whatever concoction he’d come up with, the tangy scent enough to make you mutter a soft thank you before you took a small bite. You weren’t hungry, you hadn’t been much of anything past upset all week, but Midoriya had been pretty insistent on making sure you ate and kept yourself from moping all the time, and at the moment you didn’t feel like arguing. He was being nice enough to let you stay there, you didn’t want to come across as rude to the one person you felt like you still fully had. “Taste okay?”

“It’s great Midoriya, thank you.” You hummed faintly when your head bobbed in a nod, eyes downcasted to the bowl propped in your palm rather than focusing on his face. You could feel him staring at you, the concern oozing out of his pores like water raging down a river. He wanted you to talk about things, wanted you to open up and let yourself feel something openly rather than keeping things to a vocal minimum. Slowly your eyes floated over to his worry filled features, his huge eyes widening ever so slightly when he realized you’d caught him staring, lips pursed as he licked a bit of sauce off of them. “What?”

“What?”

“You’re staring at me.”

“I’m not.” He shook his head dismissively and looked away, legs folding up under himself as he reached for the remote, flicking the volume up a few notches before smiling to himself. Your eyes rolled as you shoveled another bite of food past your lips, stomach unconsciously grumbling as your eyes flickered once down to your phone, watching the screen flash with light when it buzzed. “But if I was, it’d just be because I’m worried about you. Is that really so bad?”

“I don’t want to talk about things.” You sighed and glanced at him, your phone buzzing again under your knee, the vibrations making it slip down the couch cushion towards your legs. “I know you just want to help Midoriya, and you are a lot, but you don’t get how I’m feeling. You never will. The only person who could come even close to getting how I feel is maybe Todoroki, and he’s the last person I want to talk to right now.”

It was a lie, you wanted to talk to Todoroki so bad you could feel it in your bones. The problem was that you couldn’t handle it. Even saying his name out loud made your stomach twist, throat constricting until you forced down another bite of food. Everything felt harder without him, like you’d gotten tossed to the bottom of a mountain and told to climb back up with your bare hands, like you supposed to run a marathon with two broken ankles. You weren’t sure how to feel now besides depressed, weren’t sure how to make yourself move on from the hollow sensation in your chest when the person you wanted to fill it was in the arms of someone else.

“You should talk to him, even if you don’t want to.” He sighed, leaning back on the couch once he abandoned his half empty bowl on the coffee table in front of him. Your eyes danced over his palm when it landed on your knee, savoring the comforting squeeze while you blinked away the burning hiding behind your lashes. “Todoroki, I mean. I know you don’t want to but I can guarantee he’s just as miserable as you are, maybe even more.”

Your head shook as you set your bowl down, arms folding over your chest before your phone buzzed again beneath your leg, fingers clasping around the device and moving it up to rest on your blanket covered lap, glancing at Midoriya rather than the screen. He was staring at you again, eyebrows knitted together as he fidgeted his fingers in front of his long stomach, lips pressing into a thin line when you both recognized the sound of your phone vibrating another time in your lap.

When you peeked down at the device you let out a shaky breathe, eyeing the string of messages all followed by Todoroki’s name, the text bubbles seeming like ghosts that had come back to haunt you.

Todoroki [ 15:18 ] :

You’re not at work again.

Todoroki [ 15:20 ] :

I don’t know if your okay or if you hate me now or what.

Todoroki [ 15:22 ] : I miss you so fucking much.

Todoroki [ 15:22 ] :

Please talk to me.

You swallowed, hands shaky as you tossed the phone away from yourself, eyes drooping shut as Midoriya sighed beside you, arm looping around your shoulders before you were falling in his chest and crying quietly. His arms held you a little tighter the longer you stayed like that, like he was trying to protect you from the world still turning, like he wanted to shield you from your own thoughts that were trying to devour you. It’d been the theme of the week, you trying to shut yourself away from everyone else and Midoriya being there to help you when the cracks in your armor got too big to ignore. He wanted to help you but didn’t really know how, wanted to ease the pain in your chest but had no clue how to put himself in your shoes.

Things had been easy for Midoriya, he’d met his soulmate right after highschool, their marks perfect matching swirls of blue. They’d gotten married, moved into an apartment, never had to be separated for more than a few days since they met. Their love had blossomed from day one, their relationship the perfect depiction of what soulmates were supposed to be, their personalities complimenting each other and their hearts beating in time with the others. You envied it so much, loathed yourself for how jealous you got on the nights his soulmate came home and you could hear them laughing quietly from their bedroom, despised watching them cook breakfast together before one of them left for work because they looked so genuinely happy and you’d never get that with Todoroki.

Hell, maybe you’d never get that with anyone.

It took awhile for you to calm down, the song of Midoriya quietly humming like the soundtrack lulling you back to calm, heartbeat slowing to its normal tempo as the sun peeked through the clouds out the window, flooding the floor beneath it with light. Everything was quiet when you shifted from his grasp, rubbing at your eye sockets as Midoriya took your phone and turned it off for you, setting it aside as his palm landed on your shoulder and left a comforting squeeze. Silence fell for a few minutes as the both of you stared at the television screen, though you weren’t taking any of it it, your body drained and eyes heavy from the crying, lungs exhausted from sucking in air so hard.

“I’m gonna ask you something and I don’t want you to get upset with me.”

Your head turned to look at him, vision hazy from the bit of moisture clinging to your eyelashes, Midoriya leaning forward to retrieve his drink from the coffee table. He took a sip, your eyebrow raising as if telling him to go on, arms folding over your chest lazily while your foot bounced unceremoniously against the carpet.

“So I have this friend, Awase, he doesn’t have a soulmate either.” He huffed when you interjected him with a small groan, hands raising to your tired face as your head started to shake, already having a feeling you knew where his question was going. “Relax, I just want you to get lunch with him, not like a date. I just thought maybe talking to someone who has a better idea of what you have to deal with could be good for you. Please? For me?”

You exhaled heavily, fingers parting from where they were resting over your eye sockets so you could look at him, his emerald eyes wide and pleading, like he was desperate for you to say yes. You knew he meant well, that he wanted to help you, that he wanted to let you live a life that wasn’t so clouded over with darkness but wasn’t sure how to get there. It made your stomach twist, a small bubble of guilt floating up your esophagus for all the stress and worries you’d dumped onto him. You felt like a burden at times even if he insisted you weren’t, like your suffering was making him suffer and it made you want to disappear. Sometimes it made you want to run away so you could start fresh where no one could hurt you and you could hurt no one, but you knew that was irrational.

None the less, the guilt combined with the way his teeth gnawed on his bottom lip made you reluctantly bob your head in a nod, the shy but content smile that spread on Midoriya’s face enough to make you feel like it was the right decision. Even if it seemed useless, even if the idea of having to leave the house felt like too much work when everywhere you looked reminded you of what you didn’t have. You doubted it would work, were unconvinced simply talking to someone else could change anything, but if humoring Midoriya was all it took to make him feel even an ounce better than it was worth it.

Because you knew how it felt to be miserable, and because of that, you’d never wish that upon someone else.

The café was quiet when you walked inside, fingers clasped tightly together like a knot in front of your lap, the light spring breeze brushing your hair away from your neck as you peered around the outside seating area. It was beautiful, the few trees lining the courtyard dotted with flowers and bursts of green, the tables set with shining copper colored silverware. You felt out of place, eyes darting down to your black sweater and blue jean skirt, sneakers scuffed up on the ends from dragging your feet just a bit too much. You felt nervous, on edge, like somehow your heart knew something was happening but you didn’t know yourself, anxious with the arranged meeting with a guy you never knew, almost unusually scared by the idea of meeting someone like yourself.

You didn’t know if you could handle it. On the one side you figured maybe Midoriya was right, that maybe talking to someone who also lacked a soulmate would help you feel a little less alone. Maybe he was content being alone like the rest of them, or maybe, just maybe, he was like you, desperate for love and affection, miserable watching the rest of the world get all the things he wanted. You weren’t sure you wanted to see so many similarities between the two of you, scared of what it would make you think of yourself, afraid that you’d see that depression sunk into his irises like it was your own. You couldn’t ignore your problems when they were staring you head on, even if having to admit how upset you were felt like you were getting your teeth pulled. It had taken a lot to make you even tell Midoriya. That longing for someone to care had been the nudge that pushed you into his apartment days before, and eventually led you to now.

Awase was easy to spot, his hair spiked upwards, poking out from under his blue patterned headband, his pale blue flannel unbuttoned and fluttering when the wind blew, white shirt beneath rising and falling with his breathes. His jeans looked a bit loose on him when he shifted in his seat, a large bandage poking out on his wrist from beneath a glove that was encasing one of his hands, free hand grabbing at the cup of coffee in front of him. He was handsome, a few girls glancing at him as they walked past to head back into the café, but his head didn’t lift up once, his phone beside his cup when he reached forward to check the time on his phone.

“Awase?”

Your voice made his head lift, a small, polite smile spreading on his lips as he pushed out from the table to stand, eyes never leaving you as you approached. You pretended not to notice the slight dark circles around his eyes, wondering if he’d notice your own as well, the pair of you settling into seats opposite each other as he waved the waitress over. You ordered a coffee, shifting in your seat as you took a nervous glance around, like if you avoided his gaze long enough he would disappear.

“Midoriya told me a lot about you.” His voice was deep, soothing, the kind of sound you could fall asleep to if you listened long enough. Your eyes trailed back over to his face, wondering if he could see how bloodshot they were, questioning if the gentle laugh that fell from his lips was genuine when his head shook side to side. “He also told me you probably weren’t going to want to talk to me much.”

Your eyes rolled, a small laugh bubbling up in your throat, his lips spreading into a gentle smile when he got a reaction from you. You shifted slightly in your seat, in an effort to get more comfortable, hands resting on the table top as he took a sip from his mug again, the light breeze making a few flower petals rustle above you. You tried to ignore the way the light caught the ring still on your finger, tried not to feel the rock that grew in your throat when you let your eyes focus on the jewelry.

Looking at it was becoming some weird form of self torture, a constant reminder of who you were missing and why you were missing them, a physical representation of all the things you wanted but would never get to have. Despite that, you couldn’t bring yourself to take it off, like if you did that night would have just disappeared. Like if the ring was gone you’d forget how it had felt to have his lips on yours, like the memory of his heartbeat pounding against your eardrums would cease to exist. Then again, maybe that would be good for you, to just forget everything, to not find yourself unable to sleep anymore because you kept repeating his voice saying ‘I love you’ in your head like a broken record.

It was hard to sleep when your desires were chasing you, strangling you with their bare hands and defining you with their whispered voices.

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, necessarily, I just don’t really know what to say.” You shrugged, teeth digging into your bottom lip as you blinked away your thoughts, eyes tearing away from your ring to instead glance at the waitress as she set down your coffee with a polite nod. “It just seems odd to dump all my feelings onto anyone, let alone someone I hardly even know. I don’t usually like to talk about the things that are bothering me.”

Awase’s head bobbed in a nod as he pursed his lips slightly, a gentle ‘ah’ falling from them as he glanced away from you to instead look at the flowers on the tree above you. A petal fell down and landed near your hand, your fingertips grazing the soft surface, careful not to break it, feeling like it was as fragile as your heart had become. Somehow however, its fragility was beautiful. Yours felt like a flaw, like you were defined by how delicate your well being had become. When people looked at you, you doubted they saw a soft and gentle person. Instead they saw someone who was heartbroken and horrible at hiding it, someone they pitied, someone who didn’t know their place in the world.

Someone who wasn’t even sure they had such a place anymore.

“Your soulmark is beautiful.” Your eyes trialed down to your palm when Awase’s finger tapped against it, the line of gold seeming darker today than normal, brighter, like it was laughing at how hollow you had become. You swallowed down the nerves that spiked up every time you stared at the mark, trying to quiet down the self destructive thoughts that were threatening to cloud your conscious. “It’s a shame you probably hate it.”

“Don’t you hate yours?” His lips spread slightly at your question, a sad smile gracing his features as his eyes trailed to his hand covered by a glove, shoulders hunching like the weight of the world had been dropped back onto them. For a moment you felt guilty for asking, fidgeting in your seat and picking up your cup to take a gulp of your scolding coffee as a distraction until he looked at you again.

“Of course I do. Everyday.”

The conversation started to blossom, Awase talking about what he struggled with, how the few people he’d met without soulmates always seemed so different than him. How everyone else seemed content alone, but he never could, how everyone else was happy but he never really seemed to feel that way fully. Every word that came out of his mouth felt like you had said it yourself, every syllable and emotion and wince that twitched across his features were once you’d also gotten used to, that familiar ache of being different than everyone else around you dissipating if even for a few seconds.

Midoriya and Todoroki would try to sympathize for you on the odd times you vented to them but they never really could understand, no one ever had before besides Awase, because he actually understood how you felt when you poured out words about how lonely you were. No one else had ever grasped how incredibly depressing it was to feel empty all the time, to look around and see everyone else getting to have the things you so desperately wanted. Midoriya and Todoroki had soulmates, they didn’t know what it was like to know you were meant to be alone, didn’t understand how hard it was to keep on fighting every day when all your heart wanted to do was give up.

You talked for well over an hour, about the world and your emotions and how similarly difficult things were for the both of you, your coffees being emptied and refilled twice before they were abandoned and began to grow cold. The sun had started to dip in the sky when you took a glance at the time on your phone, Awase’s voice trailing off as he laughed softly at something he had said, lips wrapping around the edge of his mug as he sipped at his chilled drink, a sense of calm washed over the both of you from the mutual comfort of having someone understand. He made you feel a little less alone, even if once you both left the restaurant you’d go back to remembering exactly what had been making you so upset. That it wasn’t just the lack of soulmates that was making things hard, but rather being in love with someone who already had one.

Your phone buzzed when you locked it but you didn’t look, flipping it so the screen was facing the table as Awase pulled down on the sleeves of his shirt, which had been bunched up around his elbows. It buzzed a second time, his eyes drifting to it before lifting to your face, a faint smile on his lips as you cleared your throat and folded your hands in front of yourself on the table top, nodding once towards his glove covered hand before tipping your head to the side, admiring the way the sun was bouncing off his cheekbone.

“Why are you wearing that, by the way?”

“My palm got cut at work.” He lifted his hand up some, tongue poking out to wet his lips as he pulled the glove up just barely, so you could see the bandages covering his wrist. “It’s mostly healed now, but my doctor suggested I keep it until I have a check up with him again, so it doesn’t get infected. The bandages don’t really stay on that well alone.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s annoying.” You sipped your coffee, cringing from the temperature of the liquid as it slid down your throat, ears faintly picking up the sound of the door opening behind your back, not bothering to look. His shoulders rose and fell as he let the glove go, glancing down at his fingers as he wiggled them slightly, his eyes glued to them like a little kid watching their favorite show.

“It’s not so bad, though it gets hot sometimes.” He pressed his lips into a thin line, free hand raising to scrub at the back of his neck when his head lifted properly on his shoulders, foot barely knocking into yours as he let his blue eyes flutter shut when the wind blew past the pair of you. “It covers up my soulmark, which is nice, I don’t have to stare at it all the time when I write or cook or clean. Sometimes, when I can see it, I just focus on my mark and think about how much I wish it wasn’t there, that soulmates weren’t even a thing. Sometimes I wish I could just carve it out of my palm and never have to see it again.”

“I wish that all the time.”

“What are you doing here?”

Your head whipped up as your spine locked up, Awase’s eyebrows bunching together as a shadow blocked the sun that had been hitting his face. He looked as confused as you felt panicked, eyes following your body as you turned enough to stare up at Todoroki, hands shaking on the table top as his irises locked onto your own, stealing the air from your lungs. For a second you almost thought you were imagining him, that you’d finally lost your mind and were just picturing him wherever you looked.

“Todoroki-” You felt like you couldn’t breathe, taking in the way his lips were red and chapped, like he’d been biting them too much, something he always did when he was anxious. His eyes were underlined with deep blue circles, much like your own, like he hadn’t slept in days, his hair a mess and sticking in to many directions. Somehow he still looked beautiful, even with his sweater bunched oddly around his waist, his hands fidgeting inside his coat pockets as he blinked between yourself and Awase twice.

“You haven’t been answering my texts all week. I thought something happened to you. I thought-” He trailed off, swallowing hard enough for you to see his adam’s apple bob, his jaw tightening and relaxing repeatedly, like he was trying to stop himself from screaming. He looked so small, like the world had crushed him into a ball and was forcing him to stay there, like you pulling away from him had been enough to make him start to lose his control on things. He could usually compose himself, could handle the weight of everyone pushing him in all directions, but he looked like he’d lost that now, like he was in the middle of a maze with no map to know how to escape. “Who is this?”

“I’m Awase.” Awase awkwardly scratched at his hair, able to sense something was happening even if he didn’t know what, his eyes flickering between yourself and Todoroki as you stared at each other. Todoroki didn’t even glance at him when he spoke, taking a step closer to you as his eyes danced once to your shaking hands, your heart leaping to your throat when his lips parted as he stared at them, taking a glance and noticing the ring as it caught the bit of sun still poking through the tree branches up above. “I can give you guys a minute, if you want.”

You could feel the pull in your chest, could sense the way your heart was dying to have his arms wrapped around you and feel his lips against your ear while he whispered to you. You were so desperate for him, so miserable just looking at him and knowing you couldn’t touch him, not there, not in public where anyone could see you. It made your eyes burn, them welling with tears so quickly it almost seemed fake, his tongue poking out to wet his lips as his bottom lip shook just slightly, nostrils flaring and head shaking side to side. You missed him so much you could taste it on your tongue, could feel the bile rising in your throat when his eyes tore away from your own as the door opened back up behind you.

“Todoroki, c’mon, we’re leaving.”

Momo’s voice made your spine lock up, eyes glued to Todoroki when his gaze maneuvered back to your own, feet unmoving from his spot while his mouth opened and closed, like he had a thousands things to say but had forgotten how to speak. You’d of given anything to of been alone with him then, to get to say all the things you weren’t allowed to now, to have a few more hours of touching eachothers hands and tasting each others lips, even if it would only be more fuel to torture yourself with later.

“Todoroki.” Momo’s body came into your view but you didn’t glance at her, her head down as she grabbed onto Todoroki’s hand and gave him a gentle tug in her direction. Everything was happening so fast, his feet scuffing on the concrete as Momo tugged on him once more, her hair covering her face from your view as you struggled to stop yourself from crying. You barely noticed the way Awase’s head rose, didn’t focus on the way he sucked in a sharp breathe as Todoroki got reluctantly pulled away from you “The cab is waiting, we have to go.”

Your body turned to watch him as he left, whipping around like you were engrossed from a film and didn’t want to miss the ending, elbow knocking into your coffee mug and sending the liquid spilling out all over the table top. Your vision was blurry as you forced yourself to look away from the couple, choking slightly on air as you grabbed a wad of napkins and tried to clean up the mess, sniffling as Awase jumped back a bit while the coffee dribbled off the edge of the table onto the ground below. It’d splashed a few dots onto his shirt, his glove completely soaked as he laughed quietly, not mentioning the tears brimming in your eyes as he tugged the fabric off his fingers and tossed into onto a dry patch of the table.

“I’m so sorry.” You breathed, using your sleeve to try and dry your eyes, swallowing down the emotions bubbling up in your esophagus, forcing the tears back down to let out later, when you were alone and the world couldn’t see you. It was almost funny how a few seconds of being in Todoroki’s presence was enough to totally derail you, mentally slapping yourself for not thinking about how close the café was to his and Momo’s apartment. Your body turned, arms extending as you took a few napkins off a nearby empty table, turning back around to Awase as you reached for his damped, now bare, hand, his bandages having lost their grip from the coffee soaking them, now laying beside his discarded glove.

“It was an accident.”

“Still.” You sighed, shaking your head as you dabbed the napkins onto the face of his palm, his skin warm as he didn’t fight you off, his eyes lingering on the door Todoroki and Momo had slipped out of, a look on his face you couldn’t quite place. You flipped his palm, pressing the bandages onto the skin gently, in case his cut was still sore, not glancing at it as you focused on his face for a moment longer. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, really.” He smiled lazily, head shaking as he blinked a few times, like he was trying to snap himself out of a daze. Your head dipped down, throat clearing as you moved the napkins away from his palm and tossed them onto the table top. You paused, eyes squinting as you stared down at his skin, heart speeding up in your chest when you felt all the hairs on your body stand on end. His soulmark was visible, even with the small cut running across his palm, your fingers shaking as you traced hesitantly against it.

Because there on his palm were dark, blueberry colored lines, branching out from the middle onto each of his fingertips, like the branches of a tree. Because there on his hand was his soulmark, bold and unmistakably recognizable, one you had memorized the shape of a long time ago, one you couldn’t forget if you ever even wanted to.

You had seen his mark before.

Because his mark was the same as Todoroki’s.

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#todoroki shouto #shouto #todoroki #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #todoroki x reader #todoroki angst #todoroki smut #todoroki fluff #milk and tea fic

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

milk and tea > 3

rating: [pg-13 / angst] genre: soulmate au pairing: todoroki shouto x reader warnings: cursing, heartbreak, angst, SLIGHT NSFW for this chapter! word count: 6.1k

listen while you read here! join the discord!

1 - 2 - chap 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 [final]

It was almost funny how mundane things became what you looked forward to most when you were dealing with stress. Folding laundry became your favorite pastime, washing the dishes as exciting as the climax of a dramatic film. You found yourself looking forward to boring things because they were distractions, little breaks from the stream of conscious running like a winding river through the depths of your brain. Work and domestic chores were the only other things you could focus on, the dull time spent staring at your planner preferred over thinking of how incredibly much you missed him, even with how confusing and worrying your last conversation had been. Every second you paused you thought of Todoroki, thought of what he’d said to you on the phone and how it made your heart soar but panic, thought of how he’d been all but ignoring you for the past two weeks since.

You weren’t sure how to figure out what exactly he had meant, what his intentions had been in uttering quiet words that felt too intimate for a person who was supposed to be with someone else. They felt like they had a purpose he didn’t know of yet, like he’d spoken without thinking of the consequences and left the both of you unsure of where to go now. He’d confused you, made you elated for seconds and upset the next, throwing things at you that you’d thought a million times but knew you couldn’t say out loud. It was like he was toying with your emotions without even trying, like he was perhaps just as desperate to stop holding his thoughts back as you were. Then again, maybe he had been ignoring you because he’d said things he didn’t mean, because the words he mumbled were never meant to be taken how your heart desperately wanted them to be.

Or maybe he understood how dangerous of a game those words could unleash.

Todoroki admitting he had feelings for you would put the pair of you between a rock and a hard place, it would make both of you face things that could never quite be how you wanted them to. Subconscious wondering was easy, lingering glances and quiet whispers of how much you loved the other when they weren’t listening was barely okay, but out right admitting you had feelings for each other would open a can of worms that was too complicated to even comprehend. You loved Todoroki, you wanted Todoroki, but he had someone whom he was supposed to be with, and perhaps that had been why he’d never once thought out loud about how he felt for you.

He cared about others feelings, he had a huge heart and didn’t want to use it to harm anyone else’s. The idea of hurting Momo by admittedly having feelings for you would be enough to drive him crazy, to fill the both of you with guilt so strong you’d have a hard time breathing. Not to mention how incredibly bad it could make things, how if someone found out you were openly in love with each other you could end up facing the punishments for it. Unrequited feelings was one thing, but actively placing the both of yourselves in a horrible situation was another, and you figured maybe that was why Todoroki had been so absent, even if it made your chest ache. Maybe he was trying to build up space and walls between you so you could get over any lingering feelings you could have brewing for each other, though you doubted it would work.

You’d been in love with him since you met him and got the feeling you would until your last breath.

Everything felt too quiet when the sun dropped from the sky, the blanket wrapped around your legs as you curled up on your bed rustling as loudly as an exploding cannon. The volume on your tv was turned down to near zero, folded laundry waiting to be put away on your dresser. Your phone was shut off and locked in your desk drawer, because you’d found yourself checking it so often that it made you want to punch yourself, loathing how weak you’d felt all day. The past two weeks without Todoroki had been enough to wear you down, but hearing from one of his coworkers that his anniversary party with Momo was happening tonight had been enough to topple you over the edge of an invisible cliff, the ground slipping out beneath you everytime the thought popped back up.

Your vision trailed over to the digital clock on your bedside, the bright red reflecting off the table’s surface reading 20:58. The party was probably well underway by now, you figured. You could practically picture them, embracing each other in their nicest attire, laughing and kissing and holding each other’s hands as tight as they could, just how they would forever. Part of you was glad his mother would never have thought to invite you, because you didn’t think you could stomach having to watch them love each other the way you wanted to openly love him.

The metal of your necklace felt cool beneath your hand as your eyes trailed hazily away from the clock to peek out the window, the sky dotted with stars you could barely see from your bed. Everything felt distant, like you were on the moon and everyone else was back down on Earth, like you could look at everyone but no one could really see you. No one could see as your focus drifted to your palm and your fingers traced over the golden line scaling up it. No one could hear the quiet sigh that fell past your lips or feel the way your chest ached when it caught the light, hearing Todoroki’s whispers just a bit louder the more you looked. No one could read the thoughts painted behind your eyelids, the ones that felt increasingly dark as the world fell mute.

Todoroki was who you always turned to when things became too much, and he was busy at a party celebrating the supposed love he shared with his soulmate. Midoriya would surely listen to your problems, but you felt guilty dumping them all on him, figuring he was at home with his fiance, probably deep in some movie like they did every Friday date night. You’d distracted yourself all week as much as you could with household chores until your fingers wore tired, every corner of your apartment free of dust and lacking a proper distraction to your thoughts. You didn’t have anyone to go to besides yourself, and you were horrible at giving advice when you were falling apart. Horrible at trying to hold yourself together without the support you’d gotten so used to, without the attention from Todoroki you were so desperate for, no matter the consequences.

You jumped slightly in bed when there was some noise behind the door, an anxious knocking that grew louder after a moment, the bed dipping beneath your thighs when you sat up and stared at the wooden surface. After a few quiet steps across the space you pulled the door open, heart thumping once loudly against your ribcage as your eyes traveled up the damp figure before you. Standing there, in a dishevelled white button up and dress suit with his hair a complete mess, was Todoroki, his eyes wide as he panted, sucking in air like he’d just run up the twelve flights of stairs to reach your door.

“Todoroki.” You breathed his name like you’d gotten your first taste of oxygen in days, nerves firing off once as he shut the door after he’d come a few steps inside, eyes focused down onto the floor before peeking up at you once through his lashes. Your eyes drifted to his heaving chest, watching how rapidly it rose and fell as you flickered your gaze back up to his face, the distance between you less than two feet. “Your soaking wet.”

He nodded once, not fighting you when your fingers came to rest on his wrist, body easily leading his own to your bed. He sank onto the edge mattress with ease, head hanging forward slightly as he caught his breathe, a million questions on your tongue you didn’t quite know how to ask. He looked lost but so beautiful, confused but full of magnificence he simply couldn’t see with his own two eyes. You had just seen him two weeks before but it felt like too long, even if your last conversation had left you reeling and lost. Then again, a few seconds away from Todoroki was too long for your liking, like there were magnets embedded in your veins drawn only to him.

“Stay here okay? I’m gonna make you some tea.” You mumbled, his head barely bobbing in a nod as you pulled your baby yellow blanket up over his shoulders, letting it hang off his blazer as you turned and left the room, swallowing away the words dancing on your tongue. You struggled to be patient with your inquiries, wanting to know why he was at your apartment and not at his party, why he had ignored you for two weeks, if he’d just said those things over the phone without thinking of the meaning or if he’d meant them and simply scared himself.

Your fingers fumbled with the mug trapped between your fingers as you leaned against the counter, waiting for the water to boil, eyes glued to the pale lavender kettle as you focused on the sound of Todoroki’s wet jacket being tossed onto the hardwood. You wanted to ask what was going on but had a feeling when he was ready to talk he would make that move, spine tense and body locked up like someone had tightened each and every joint in your body. Something about him seemed different, more pressured than before, more unsure of himself than you’d ever seen him, and it made your stomach because you weren’t sure how to help.

You weren’t feeling particularly yourself anymore either. You couldn’t even remember what your normal was compared to now, because normal for you had become dreaming about him. It’d become being overwhelmed with longing for Todoroki and anger at the universe for putting you where you were. Normal had warped into a state of half living, one where you went through the motions and tried to ignore the feelings in your chest when you could, because they hurt to much to face dead on. You didn’t recall the last time you laughed so hard you cried, couldn’t focus hard enough to think of the last time your heart soared with the joy you were feeling.

You were alive but hadn’t really been living, not for a while now.

Some days were better than others and those days had always been the ones with Todoroki in them, the times when you were alone and could shut everything else out for a while shining the brightest inside your head. Now didn’t feel like one of those times though, your feet carrying you back into your bedroom with the filled mug still clasped between your palms. Everything felt heavier now, like even the quiet breathes he was letting out were laced with the weight of the world. Like even the syllables not yet out of his mind and into his voice were enough to knock you off your feet.

His eyes were still downcast when you approached the bed, hands leaving the cup of tea on your dresser as you reached his hunched over figure. His hair was falling down, slightly covering his face from your view until you crouched in front of him, his elbows bent and perched on his thighs. His fingers were fiddling with something that kept catching the light coming from the muted television, your blanket pooled around his hips and his shoes squeaking slightly as he shifted when you rested a palm on his knee.

“Are you okay?” You were trying to sound gentle, trying not to be selfish and ask him why he was here and not at the party, his head lifting to look at your face while your eyes fell back to his fingers. He was holding a ring, you’d realized, one that was a worn down rose gold with a square diamond in the middle, delicate swirls branching from it to the band. “What is that?”

“My grandma gave me this ring. It was hers.” His eyes drifted back down to his lap when your touch slipped away from his knee, your focus trailing along the lines on his palm as he placed the ring in the middle of it. His fingers slowly curled, bending around the jewelry and clasping into a loose fist as his teeth dug into his plump bottom lip. You remained silent as he paused, swallowing with nerves bubbling up in your stomach, heartbeat in your fingertips pounding away like a solid drum beat. “She told me that when I was older, one day I’d meet someone and know they were who I was supposed to give it to.”

He let out a soft laugh, one that sounded half hearted as his head lifted and his clenched hand relaxed, the ring catching the light again as he haphazardly twisted it between his fingers. His voice sounded deeper than normal, more thick, like he’d screamed for too long and now his vocal chords were worn thin.

“I never really thought about what she said, always assumed she was just talking about my soulmate.” His fingers traced the lines on his palm as he spoke, but his eyes remained focused on you, burning into your corneas like the rays of the sun. “And then I met you, and nothing really seemed so straight forward anymore. The person I’d want to give this to isn’t my soulmate, not even close.”

Your legs straighten out as you stood, hands feeling clammy as your anxiety skyrocketed, nerves all firing in succession like a firework show, your stomach lurching like you were on the apex of a rollercoaster. The way he was staring at you made it feel so much more intimate, so much more terrifying than the words already were threatening to be. You turned your body slightly, planning on picking up his jacket to busy yourself and pretend to be passive, to put on a look of faux calm, but were stopped when his fingers clasped around your wrist, his body rising to stand at his full height.

“Why are you here Todoroki?” You tried to stop yourself from looking at him as he stood directly in front of you, the sound of the ring that had been in his hand falling onto the floor too loud to your eardrums. He swallowed once aggressively, adam’s apple bobbing as he pushed his fingers through his hair, shoes squeaking against the hardwood floor when he moved closer to your figure, simultaneously raising your heart rate.

“I needed to see you.”

“You’re supposed to be at your anniversary party, with Momo.”

“I don’t care about a stupid fucking party.” His head shook side to side as he cut you off, neck craning as his skull tipped back so he was staring at the ceiling, jaw tense. You wanted to reach out and touch him, wanted to graze his neck with your fingertips and see if his pulse matched your own, wanted to feel the way his muscles stretched when he parted and closed his lips. “I don’t care about our anniversary, about any of it.”

“Todoroki-”

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t fucking do this anymore.” Your eyes locked onto his as his fingers grazed your elbow, skin on fire from the vague contact but muscles not contracting to pull back. Everything had fallen silent around you even more so than before, your heart in your throat and feeling like it was trying to punch its way out. “I can’t pretend that I don’t feel anything everytime I look at you. I can’t pretend that when I picture my future you’re not the one there beside me through it all. I can’t pretend that I’m not-”

“Not what?” You cut him off, like you were trying to give him a way out, trying to let him stop himself from saying something he’d perhaps regret. Your hand brushed his when he reached out, his fingers immediately clasping through your own as he gave you a gentle tug towards him while he struggled to fight out the words he wanted to say. You stumbled slightly from the force, bare feet bumping into his dress shoes as he stared at you more intensely than he ever had before. It felt like you were looking at the whole world, like the entire universe was wrapped up there in his irses, trying to tell you all it’s secrets but you were too blinded by its beauty to understand them.

“I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you.”

You felt like you’d been caught on fire, heart stopping its movements in your chest as you took a step back from him, like you’d been smacked. Your hands started to shake, everything spinning as you shook your head side to side, eyes squeezing shut like you were trying to hide yourself.

This couldn’t be happening, he couldn’t really be telling you he loved you, not now, not when he had his soulmate, not when the two of you could never be together. Not when the engagement ring he was surely supposed to give to her was a few inches from your feet on the floor. It wasn’t fair, it was cruel.

“I love you.” He repeated, firmly, ignoring the way you started to crumble, fighting against his own voice when shook with uncertainty, not in his feelings but in what could come from him saying it.

“Stop it-”

“No, I love you. I am so damn in love with you that I can hardly breathe without you. All I do when I’m not with you is think about how much I miss you. These past two weeks have been complete fucking hell. Everytime I’d see you at lunch with Midoriya or walking down the hall and have to stop myself from going to see you felt like torture.”

“Todoroki stop!” Your voice rose slightly as you snapped, head still shaking and hands raising to cover your face, rubbing at your eye sockets to try and relieve the tension building there. You could hear him following you as you moved closer to the opposite wall blindly, his shoes squeaking on the wood until you spoke over the noise. “Dont say shit like that on a whim, don’t say things to me you don’t mean.”

“I do mean it.” His voice rose as yours had, his hands landing on your elbows and turning you around towards him, hands on your wrists then as he tugged them down from your face. He looked hurt, almost like you’d offended him even suggesting he would say something as impactful as ‘ I love you ‘ without knowing he meant it first. “You know I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t know I meant it.”

“You have a fucking soulmate!”

“I don’t care, I don’t love her!” His voice cracked as his volume grew too loud for the emotions bubbling up in his gut, his eyes squeezing shut and his lips parting as the bottom one shook, a clear sign he was trying not to cry. Your heart squeezed watching the water drip down his temple as his head tipped back again, fingertips digging into your wrists as he took a shaky breath. “Not how I’m supposed to. She’s nice and she’s sweet and she’s beautiful but she doesn’t make my heart race like you do, she doesn’t make me want to be so much stronger like you do.”

You swallowed hard, your own eyes burning as you blinked a few times, hands slipping into his when his fingers started to shake. His shoulders slumped as he tried to bottle in the choked cries his lungs were fighting to expel, the hair falling back off his forehead. His eyes opened again but were focused on the ceiling as fresh tears collected in his water line, his emotions engulfing him like a too long ignored tidal wave. After a short beat his head lowered, eyes boring into yours as his cheeks got stained with moisture, nostrils flared as his fingers tangled between your own.

“I’ve tried to, I’ve been trying to since I met her but I can’t. I can’t love her because I love you.” You sucked in a sharp breathe as your lips stretched into a thin line, trying to hide the shake brewing in them, forcing down the bubble in your throat as your eyes squeezed shut. “I have since the first moment I saw you and I pretended it wasn’t there, I thought maybe if I ignored it that it’d go away. Even when I met her I thought that I could finally get past it, but nothing ever works, no one makes me feel how you make me feel. No one means as much to me as you do and nothing in the world can change that, absolutely nothing. And I know you feel it too, I know you love me. You have to love me too.”

“Our marks don’t match.” You tried to quietly reason, ignoring the ‘I love you too’ waiting to be screamed from the top of your lungs, blocking out the burning desire to kiss him until you couldn’t breathe. “The universe made you two match, you were meant to be with Momo, not me.”

“I don’t care about this stupid fucking mark.” He threw his hand out to the side, like he was showing it to the world, the dark lines flexing as his fingers splayed out when his crying grew louder. “If there was a way for me to cut this out of my hand and never have to see it again I would, because it means nothing to me. If I wasn’t made for you, if my heart wasn’t made for yours, than I wasn’t made for anyone.”

“We can’t do this.” Your voice shook as his hand rose to rest on your cheek, vision blurred as your heart shook within your chest, a tear falling onto his fingers as a quiet sob fell from your lips. It was everything you ever wanted to hear from him, that he loved you, that he wanted you and no one else, and for some reason it felt heart breaking to finally have him say it. Because what good did it do besides torture the both of you, if anything it made it all worse, made you feel the hole that obliterated your heart.

“I can’t live my whole life not knowing how it feels to kiss you. I can’t live forever never getting to hear you tell me that you love me too.” He whispered, voice cracking once more as he sniffled, your eyes drifting open long enough to see the red in his own as bright as a ripe cherry, the pain that was painted on his features like a beautiful disaster. “I can’t wake up every morning and not be next to you and somehow still be happy. You’re all I think about, every second I’m not with you it feels like somethings missing. Being with her feels wrong, but with you it’s like everything’s clicked into place, finally. With you it feels like I’m where I’m supposed to be, that I’m who I’m supposed to be.”

“We can’t, Todoroki.” You repeated quietly as your shoulders sunk, his palm slipping from your cheek to move to the back of your neck as you fell into his chest, crying into his dress shirt and staining it wet, the fabric a muddled grey from the tears. His free arm wrapped around your middle as you sobbed louder once you were in the comfort of his strong arms. His own sniffles grew muffled as his cheek pressed into the top of your head, your fingertips creating bruises on his back as you wrapped your arms as tightly around him as you would, like he’d disappear if you let go. “You can’t ruin your whole life because of me.”

“You are my life.”

“It’s not fair.” Your back shook as you cried harder, lungs feeling like they were being squished so no air could get in, hands shaking as you bunched the fabric of his shirt between your fists. His fingers tangled into your hair, gently maneuvering your neck so you were looking up at him, his free hand lifting to cup the very edge of your jaw, fingers brushing the chain of your necklace hanging around your throat. “None of this is fair.”

“I know.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was you.” Your bottom lip was growing agitated and inflamed from how much you were biting it, trying to hide how it shook when you spoke. “I’ve never wanted anything more than you Todoroki, but if someone found out-”

“I don’t care about anything else, not right now, not anything but you.” He whispered the words slowly, spaced out, like he wanted each one to be cemented into your brain as his lips puckered and relaxed. His thumb traced a circle around your cheekbone, head shaking side to side as a barely there, sad smile pulled up onto his perfect lips. “I want to hold you, and kiss you, and feel you against me. I want to hear your heartbeat and remember the way your skin feels when you hold my hand. I want to run my fingers through your hair and trace the spaces between all the freckles on your body. I want to forget about the rest of the world and love you, even if it’s just once.”

And then his neck craned down and his lips landed, just barely parted, over your own.

And it felt perfect for a moment, like everything was right, like for a second all you could hear and see and feel and breathe was him. His lips pressed into your own, your hands lifting to rest on his cheeks as your chests glued together, his skin sticky from the tears that had half dried on them. He tasted like peppermint and orange, like the way a breeze felt on a perfect spring day, lips moving against your own languidly as your breathes mixed together.

“I love you.” His words were muffled as his hand lowered from your cheek to instead grip your hip, bodies flush so that nothing could slip between the two of you, tone shakey as your fingers moved to grip his shoulders. You wished you could capture the feeling of his lips on yours and put in a drug so you could get high on it over and over again, wished you could feel the way you did in that second forever.

“I love you too.” Tears still slipped from your eyes as the words came tumbling out, desperate, broken, having been bottled up too long without anyone hearing them. You’d wanted to say it so many times, wanted to tell him how important he was to you every night he fell asleep on your couch listening to you talk. You wanted to tell him how much you loved him every time he smiled at you, every time he went out of his way to make sure you were okay. You’d wanted to tell him you loved him that very first day and every single second that passed after.

With every single cell in your body did you love him and you hoped that, if only this once, he could feel it.

Things began to move in a blur, his lips trailing from yours to make a path down your neck, your fingers clumsily unhooking the buttons of his shirt as you frantically gripped onto each other. Your eyes were squeezed shut, the sounds of your spaced out breathes mixing as you seperated just long enough for him to slip the oversized nightshirt you had on up over your head. Your mouths meshed back together as your palms traced the lines of his chest, hand pressing flat against his heart and throat tightening when you felt his heartbeat, trying to memorize the tempo so you could replay it for the rest of your life.

His shirt was discarded onto the floor a few moments later, your mouths leaving and reuniting over and over, lips turning puffy and reddened. You’d waited so long to know what kissing him would feel like, been so desperate to feel his fingers skimming down your bare back like they were in that moment. Your heart was trying to thrash through your bruised rib cage and right into his palms, skin on fire as his fingers traced around your hips to your stomach, flattening against it as his fingertips pressed harder against you. Goosebumps rose on his skin when your fingers slid along his sides to his lower back, a faint mutter of a laugh resonating against your lips as you skimmed his ticklish hip.

Your heart thudded once suddenly from the sound, like reality had come back and smacked you, an ounce of guilt starting to claw at your spine. As badly as you wanted to ignore it, the feeling was too strong, like two hands rising up and wrapping around your throat as Todoroki’s teeth delicately tugged on your bottom lip, his hair tickling your forehead. Much as you loved Todoroki, he was taken, even if he didn’t love her, even if he didn’t want to be with her, he was. As much as you wanted to ignore everything and fall into him, as much as you wanted to collapse onto your bed in his arms and show him just how much he meant to you until the sun rose, you couldn’t, not when he had someone else. Not when none of this could ever happen, would never be allowed.

“Todoroki.” You whispered, pulling away slightly, his eyes staying shut as he tried to move closer to kiss you again, lips parted and shining as the light caught the side of his face. It took every ounce of strength you had to swallow the lump in your throat and place your hands on his chest, brushing your thumbs in delicate circles over his boiling skin as your teeth clamped into your trembling bottom lip. “We have to stop. We can’t.”

He took a shaky breath as his nostrils flared once before his eyes opened, adam’s apple bobbing as he nodded, blinking rapidly, like he was trying just as hard to stop himself from crying again as you were. His body separated from your own except for his hand, the one with his soulmark plastered across his palm, which was flush against your own, fingers tangling as he sank down to sit on the edge of your bed with his eyes focused out the window. You moved to sit down beside him as he kicked off his shoes, not bothering to find your lost shirt as he dipped his head down to stare at your palm in silence, the light from the tv faintly dancing across your sides.

“What do we do now?” His voice barely met your ears as your head fell onto his shoulder, eyes fluttering shut as you exhaled all the air from your lungs, still tasting him on your tongue. It felt like one weight had been lifted off your spine but another, heavier weight had been placed on the top of your chest and was crushing you flat as a piece of paper. You’d gotten rid of the stress of hiding your feelings but now were stuck with knowing how good it could feel to love him, now you had to live with the knowledge that he loved you too and you’d never get to be together, not how either of you wanted.

“I don’t know.” You mumbled, eyes opening as his fingertip traced along your soulmark, your eyes falling on the contact, stomach clenching the longer you stared. Your eyes felt hot, tired, body drained from all the crying even as the delicate circles he was drawing onto your skin made it harder to not start sobbing all over again. His head bobbed as you listened to his quiet sniffle, your free hand raising to scrub at your eyes to wipe away the moisture trying to build in them.“We pretend none of this happened, we go back to normal.”

He stayed silent as he leaned forward some, your eyes following his movements as he grabbed the ring up off the floor and held it between his fingertips, pulling your palm so it was further in his lap. He easily slid the jewelry down your ring finger, your heart leaping once as you immediately tried to pry your hand away, that pang of longing growing, scratching it’s way up your entire body.

“Please wear it.” He muttered, twisting the ring so it was facing upwards where he could look at it properly, his knee knocking gently into your own. The way his voice strained made you pause, his thumb drawing a delicate circle over your knuckle as he sighed all the air out of his lungs with a heavy exhale while you nodded slowly. “Just for tonight, please.”

You tried not to focus on the drop of water that landed on your palm as he blinked, tried to ignore the ache in your chest as his hand clasped around yours and lifted it up, kissing your knuckles one by one before planting his lips on the face of it. He stayed like that for a moment before sucking in a breathe when he sniffled, head lifting slightly to look at you as his eyes brimmed back up with tears he was trying not to shed.

“I love you so much. I always will, no matter what.”

“I love you too.” You whispered quietly, a sad smiling falling on your lips that mimicked his own depressed expression, the curves and dips of his face all downwards as he laid back on the mattress, pulling you along with him. Your head landed on his broad chest as his arms looped around your middle, palm landing above his heartbeat so you could savor it just a little while longer. “No matter what.”

The promise felt heavy but true, full of love but also sadness that this was the way things had to be. It was a gentle reminder that you’d still love him no matter what happened now, even when the day came he had to marry Momo, even if a day came he’d finally start to have feelings for her how he was inevitably supposed to. Even if someday he decided to never see you again and start his life somewhere new, you would love him, to the other end of the universe and back. No person or circumstance could ever in a million years take that away from you, loving Todoroki had become ingrained in your cells, in the very core of yourself.

The pair of you fell silent as you laid together in bed, your eyes clapping shut as you focused on the sound of his breathing, another quiet ‘I love you’ uttering from his lips as his fingers played with the ends of your hair. After a while he seemed to doze off, his gentle mumbles turning into slow breathes, his hair fanned out behind his head when you glanced up at him. You were tempted to take a picture, to have something to remember those few seconds of intimacy you got to share with the man you loved before the sun rose and it’d be ripped away.

Because when the sun rose you would have to see him off with a smile and pretend you didn’t feel like your insides were rotting, you’d have to picture him going home to Momo and imagine the lie he’d tell her for where he’d been. You’d have to keep on living each day with the knowledge that Todoroki loved you but couldn’t ever be with you, that even if you were his he could never really be yours. You’d have to see him and picture this very night where you were wrapped up in his arms knowing that you’d never get to feel that love pressed between your beating hearts ever again.

“I love you too.” You whispered up at his then sleeping figure, watching the way his lips parted as his quiet snores started filling the room, eyes still puffy from the tears that had dripped from them. Your palm lifted, thumb tracing the shape of his lips once before resting on his jaw as your lips pressed into his chest once, eyes squeezing shut. “More than you’ll ever know.”

[previous] - [next chapter]

#todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto #todoroki #shouto #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #todoroki angst #todoroki smut #todoroki fluff #milk and tea fic

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

milk and tea > 2

rating: [pg-13 / angst] genre: soulmate au pairing: todoroki shouto x reader warnings: cursing, heartbreak, angst! word count: 9.5k

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1 - chap 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 [final]

The pendant hanging from your neck felt heavier the longer you wore it, like the days of the week that had ticked past added pounds to the object by the hour. You simultaneously adored it and loathed it, constantly catching yourself staring at it and fiddling your fingers around the chain. You loved that it reminded you of him, that the present special from Todoroki somehow made you feel like you yourself were special, like the gift was as close to a boyfriend like gesture you’d ever get. It made you feel adored, like the silver chain was a harsh contrast to the gold on your palm because it was a different reality, one that for a moment didn’t seem like a daydream. You hated it, however, when you stared too long and remembered that a few minutes after he slipped it on your neck he left to be with her. You loathed it for being a constant whisper reminding you that it was just a necklace, just a birthday present, not a declaration of love in the form of jewellery, but a kind gesture between friends. Because that was all you could be to Todoroki as hard as you tried to imagine otherwise.

“Are you listening to me?”

Your head lifted from its downward angle, eyes trailing from the wooden table top to the wide windows of the cafe, the sounds around you feeling too loud for the small space. People were tucked in at all the tables, several offices on the upper floors of the building leading to a packed cafe every lunch rush. You almost always came down to grab coffee and a bagel, used to the hoards of people that blended in with the beige and brown walls, familiar with the scent of roasting coffee beans and the hum of the espresso grinder. You shifted in your seat as you looked back over at your friend, setting down the sandwich you’d been picking at, brushing your hands together in a silent clap in an attempt to brush off the crumbs.

“Sorry, Izuku.” Your head shook side to side as you eyed his pouting features, cracking a smile at the way he huffed out a breath of air, lips puckered like a child who hadn’t gotten their way. Midoriya was perhaps your closest friend next to Todoroki, someone who had never pitied you but rather tried to fill your life with brightness. It was no wonder his soulmate was so enamored with him, you couldn’t blame her, his personality was affectionately child like, so awake and full of life you almost envied him for his eternal positivity. “I sort of zoned out.”

“It’s alright, I was kind of rambling to be honest.” He chuckled with a shrug, the sweater he had on bunching slightly around his neck, the fabric looking too thick for the warm spring temperature. He had on wide, round glasses, his hair a bit more curly than normal from the small amount of humidity in the air, fingers wrapped around a huge plastic cup full of peach tea. “How was your birthday? We missed you at the bar.”

“Okay I guess.” The fidget you made in your seat was involuntary, fingers trailing over the line on your palm out of habit. The light was hitting it just enough to make it seem to glow, the gold glinting in your irises as you flickered a glance between it and Midoriya, shoulders bobbing in a shrug. “Todoroki came over for a bit, we had a pizza.”

“That sounds like a boring birthday celebration.”

“Well I didn’t exactly feel like throwing a wild party, Midoriya.” Your eyes rolled at him, fingers drumming into the table top as you glanced at someone who waved in passing. Part of you felt anxious, wondering where Todoroki was even though you knew he was more than likely working out. He tended to work during his lunch breaks most days, which was what got you in the habit of bringing him coffees and snacks on your way back to the office across the hall.

“Are you okay?” His palm landed on top of your knuckles, the gesture innocent but filling you with a bit of warmth, the genuine flash of concern on his features almost comforting. “I mean, I know you’re probably upset but, you know.”

“I don’t know.” You sighed, shrugging and glancing at his soulmark, the bright blue on the face of his hand in a swirly pattern, almost mimicking that of a flower. The color bloomed against his skin tone, like a spot of blue sky poking out from clouds on a summer day, Midoriya himself the ball of sun beaming through the air. “It’s not like there’s much I can do to change how things are, everything just feels wrong. It feels unfair, like something’s not making sense how it was supposed to. I don’t know how to be okay when I’m supposed to be happy alone. I don’t feel happy alone, I feel lonely.”

He nodded slowly, hand retreating to instead pick at his sweater, cup lifting as his lips wrapped around the straw and he took a gulp, adam’s apple bobbing. His eyes danced around the room as he debated what to say, eyelids fluttering as he blinked when the sun hit him directly in the face. You could almost see his thoughts forming, could picture the words as his messy scrawl put them down in his head, the ink bleeding into his tongue as he set his cup down to speak them into existence.

“Just because you don’t have a matching mark doesn’t mean you have to be alone.” He reasoned, nodding once towards you with a half hearted smile, his gaze flickering over the planes of your face while you tore your focus away. You knew what he was referring to, that several people without soulmates had ended up together, that people with circumstances like yours made their own destiny and chose their own path. It was illegal to not be with your soulmate but if you didn’t have one all bets were off, anyone else who was alone was up for your taking, but somehow that idea didn’t sound right in your head.

Maybe it was because you’d gotten so hung up on Todoroki but you didn’t feel like you were meant for just anyone, didn’t feel like you could make a deep connection with someone even if you could sit and talk to them for hours. Most everyone you heard of who didn’t have a soulmate was content being alone, didn’t feel so desperate for affection as you were, didn’t long for someone to hold them and be beside them all their life. For everyone else like you, it sounded like they were indeed made to be alone and they liked it that way, but you loathed it.

You constantly felt lonely, like the rest of the world had left you fend for yourself, like everyone else was paired off and had forgotten you were still there. It was hard to go outside and see people holding hands, getting close to the person that was meant for them. It stung to hear your friends had met their match, to go to their weddings and smile wide knowing that it would never get to be you standing there in white across from your soulmate. It made your chest burn to picture yourself marrying someone you weren’t made by the universe for, to look at the mark on your hand and know you’d never see it on another person for as long as you lived. It was cruel, like going out most days were torture to the beating muscle in your chest, like being happy was going to be one of the hardest challenges to achieve in your life.

The only thing that made you feel that way was Todoroki, and anymore that happiness came laced with the longing that you’d grown for him in your gut. You’d fallen so in love with Todoroki that it was hard to see past that now, that picturing him was enough to make your pulse quicken and throat constrict. Now the mere idea of watching him marry someone else made your eyes burn, fingers itching to feel him when you pictured someone else touching his beautiful skin you’d grown so attached to. Knowing he was a few floors up in the gym made your lips pull into a faint smile, almost like you could feel him there, could sense the warmth that radiated from his body and imagine it baking your skin.

Todoroki made you feel things others wouldn’t, and in a way perhaps that was why you’d found yourself growing so infatuated with him. That was always how they made soulmates seem in movies, like they would understand you in facets others couldn’t, that they would be the person that just clicked into place, like a missing puzzle piece you’d finally found. You couldn’t understand how you’d fallen so in love with someone who wasn’t meant for you, couldn’t grasp that even though you felt all the things you were supposed to feel for a soulmate, he wasn’t that person. Things had been hard before he met Momo, but afterwards it all felt worse, the love in your chest like a weight that made your feet drag and posture slouch.

“I gotta get back upstairs.” Your head lifted as Midoriya stood, your body following suit as he pulled you into a quick hug, smiling faintly with a nod as he walked off right after. You remained in place for a beat, watching his figure with a sigh, jealous of him, jealous of how easy he tried to always find a bright side in his head. You envied how second nature it was for him to be positive, to find a light in a room full of dark. It’d never been that way for you, never so easy to become a spark that filled everyone with vibrancy, if anything, you’d become the one that always turned the lights off.

After grabbing another coffee and pastry from the counter, your feet carried you up the flights of stairs towards the office, the steps resonating with loud smacks in the half empty staircase. They complimented the sound of your heart beat as it pounded in your ears, matching in rhythm the quicker you ascended them, the heavy door slamming behind you serving like a crescendo to the song being created behind your rib cage. This had slowly become your favorite part of the day, the short walk down the hall towards the double paned glass doors facing your own, admiring the way the sunlight sprouted through them and created hazy shapes on the carpeted floor. It looked so welcoming, like it was the perfect package just waiting for you to unwrap it, like the universe knew someday Todoroki would work there so they created an entry as warm as he was.

You spotted him as soon as you walked inside the studio room, waving at the receptionist as you strolled past her and further into the space, fans running that created a quiet hum that mixed with the clicking of cameras. He was always tucked back into the corner office whenever he was taking a break, the one directly across from the main studio space, the room with the most windows that overlooked the streets below even if he insisted he didn’t like heights. He was hunched slightly over his desk, camera laying idly beside his laptop as he moved his finger over the keyboard, brows furrowed together and a pair of glasses perched on his nose. His hair was pushed back off his forehead though pieces fell forward, like he kept fussing with it, lips parted as he exhaled, the angle of his jaw accentuated by the light streaming into his space from outside. He was oblivious to your approach, completely deaf to the outside world as he poured himself into his paperwork.

And gosh was he stunning.

“Todoroki?”

His head lifted in a flash, lashes fluttering against his cheeks as he blinked rapidly until he focused on you, the curve of his lips spreading until his cheeks bunched upwards, eyes slipping faintly into half moons. The pang of guilt you felt for interrupting him washed away as he took his glasses off and moved to stand while you waved him off, moving closer to set his coffee and lunch down beside his computer. He was staring at you now as incessantly as he’d been doing to his computer, the sound of his foot tapping into the hardwood floors beneath his chair faintly reaching your ear when he sank back into his chair.

“You didn’t have to bring me lunch.”

“I knew you wouldn’t eat if I didn’t.” Your shoulders rose and fell with a faint laugh falling from your lips as you used one hand to push your hair away from your face. You looked his way long enough to catch his gaze before tearing your own away, pretending you didn’t feel the way his focus was making your esophagus feel too tight, like your heart had made a new home there. “Someone’s become quite the workaholic lately, hm?”

“I have not, I just have a lot to do and I’m too tired to continue exercising.” His fingers landed on top of yours as you took a step back to move towards the door, focus shifting back onto his features as he nodded once in your direction. You swallowed hard, trying to force down the rock forming in your throat as he slipped his fingers between your own long enough to give your hand a squeeze with your palms flushed together. It was almost sad how incredible a him barely holding your hand could make you feel, how the smallest amount of affection from Todoroki felt like he’d dropped to his knee and asked you to be his forever. “Thank you though. Stay for a few minutes and keep me company?”

He hardly had to put up an argument even if you should have shaken your head no, fingers slipping from his grasp as you sunk into the chair across from him, the desk serving as a barrier to separate your bodies. His posture relaxed once you were seated, lips wrapping around the opening of his cup as he snapped his eyes shut and took a quick sip, adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed and dropped the cup back down. The shirt he had on was gray, like the color of a sky after a thunderstorm in the middle of the summer, the colour making him look more drained as he pushed his wheeled chair slightly back from the confines of his desk, dark jeans clinging to his legs.

The simple smile that flashed over his features as the paper bag crinkled open between his fingers made your own cheeks tug upwards, nothing but a pastry and the spare half of your bagel shoved inside but it was enough to make him feel appreciated. He always looked grateful when you dropped him off a coffee or snack, always made a point of thanking you for days after, like you’d single handedly made the world spin for him. It was one of the million things you loved about him, how humble he was, how he considered every act of kindness he received as a gift, one he couldn’t wait to return the first chance he got.

“So what are you working on that’s so interesting?” His head rose when you spoke, eyebrows furrowing together as his lips pursed, jaw moving while he chewed on the sandwich. It made you grin, his cheeks full like a hamsters as he shuffled forward and swiveled his laptop around for you to see. The screen illuminated an article of breaking news covering crimes in the neighborhood, images of black and white mugshots dotted around the paragraphs in order to send a scary effect across to the reader.

“New villains showing up everywhere we least expect.” Your gaze flickered over to him when he spoke, eyes following the way his tongue poked out from between his lips, licking a crumb away from the pink flesh. He nodded his head once towards the screen before you focused back on it, voice thick as he half yawned, arms stretching forward and straining against the fabric of his shirt. “They want to be mysterious, I guess, but they’re not too good at covering their tracks. Quite an easy job for all of us right now.”

Your head bobbed in a nod as he trailed off his speaking, lifting the bagel back to his lips as you leaned back in your seat and turned slightly to look out one of the windows. You had to squint, the sun steaming in just high enough to cover your face in heat, burning your irises in comparison to the pale coloring of the room. It felt peaceful, your eyelids drooping shut and arms folding over your chest, heartbeat at a steady rhythm while you listened to Todoroki’s quiet humming as he ate. For a moment you let yourself pretend you were at home, that the pair of you was married and this was any regular work day evening, content just spending your time together not speaking, because the love you felt in your chest said enough.

It was so easy to fall into with him, the lull of security he provided simply by being there was too comforting to fight off. It’d become so natural to tune out the rest of the world when you were alone with Todoroki, like second nature to forget that the day dreams in your head were complete fiction. Being alone with him made it feel like it could be real, like the way your heart rate spiked when he laughed was normal because it was made for him to hold. His presence raised up the bubbles of hope in your chest until you felt like you were floating, like he’d placed you on top of a cloud and was letting you feel that sense of love you’d never really get, like he was letting you pretend your feelings for him were reciprocated without him even knowing it.

It was like you craved Todoroki as much as you wished you could get away from him, like you wanted to fight the pull he had on you but feared how you would continue to breathe without him there giving you oxygen. He was simultaneously becoming your perfect dream and your nightmare, and slowly the two ideals were mixing into one muddled mess of emotions you were having trouble sorting through. You weren’t sure how to separate your feelings for him from reality anymore, weren’t sure how to continue being in his life without completely destroying your own heart in the process.

A quiet click made your head move, eyes rolling as you groaned loudly and raised your hands to cover your face, Todoroki’s laughter mixing with the sound as he continued snapping away at you with his camera. You could hear his chair scraping against the wood as he stood up, footsteps indicating he was moving closer to you as your legs lifted, knees bent to try and curl yourself into a ball on the chair.

“C’mon, stop covering your face, the lighting looks great right now.”

“Knock it off.”

“Please?”

It felt right, with just the two of you there giggling over something so pointless, like that was how it was supposed to be. It felt like this was what the universe was supposed to have done, that all along it should have made the pair of you for the other, that you should have been the one that got to make him laugh like that every day. It felt like everything, for a moment, was how it was supposed to be, how your heart had decided it was supposed to be from the first moment you saw him in the park. Just you and Todoroki and no one else, nothing there to interrupt you besides the sounds of your own hearts beating.

“Stop!” You laughed at his insistence, peeking out from between your fingers to find him bending closer to you, his cheeks pulled into a wide smile as your eyes connected for the second he lowered his camera slightly. He took another picture, you could tell by the sound of his shutter releasing, another groan falling from your lips, this one laced with laughter as he reached a hand out and started gently tugging at your wrist. The contact felt electric, like he was shooting fireworks off that were spreading up your arm and making your heart skip a few beats out of surprise, his laughter only serving to heighten how light everything felt.

“Todoroki?”

It was laughable how quickly your mood could plummet, the air no longer feeling light and delicate, but rather too thick for you to breathe in, spine locking up as your legs dropped back to the ground with a gentle tap from your shoes meeting the wood. Todoroki’s touch on your wrist vanished, his laughter trailing off as he stood upright and cleared his throat, your eyes burning into his as he stared at you before focusing off at the door. You didn’t want to look at who it was, didn’t want to see her smiling face when Todoroki moved past you to give her a hug, just knowing it was happening right beside you enough to make your fingers dig into your thighs.

“Momo, I didn’t know you were stopping by.” His voice was pleasant but you could tell he was surprised, his posture stiff as he slowly came back into your line of sight with her in tow. You focused on her back at first, on the way her hair was tied up into a tight bun, on the clasp of her necklace that was catching the light as Todoroki pulled a chair over from the corner of the room for her to sit in.

“I wanted to bring you lunch.” Her voice was delicate, like her full volume was someone else’s whisper, her arms folding in her lap as she sat down, Todoroki’s palm on her lower back as she did so enough to make you swallow harshly. She was wearing one of his jackets, you noted, that brown one with the elbow patch you’d sewn on for him when he ripped it during a night out. “I hope I’m not interrupting something.”

“You’re not.”

Her head whipped over to focus on you once you spoke, the smile on your lips feeling as ingenuine as it did uncomfortable, your fingers weaving together as she flashed you an tense grin with her nod. She was holding a paper bag with Todoroki’s name written on it in swirly black ink, a heart scribbled beside the T with a smiley face inside. She passed it off to him, her fingers brushing his own as he nodded in appreciation, setting the bag beside your own crumbled up one, it almost seeming like a metaphor for the two of you, one that made you exhale like a deflating balloon, the false sense of comfort you had now ripped away. Todoroki cleared his throat awkwardly, a silence falling over the room that made you itch to escape it, like the walls were closing in on you the longer you sat there watching him glance between the two of you.

“Well, good.” She pressed her lips into a thin line as she nodded and looked over at Todoroki, your eyes flickering to her palm, seeing her soulmark when she flexed her fingers back and forth mid air, like she was trying to stretch out a muscle. Your own palm suddenly felt like it burned, like your subconscious was reminding you of how badly you wished you had that mark. You would have given anything to be in Momo position, to be the person that Todoroki would marry and have a forever with, to be the person Todoroki loved so strongly it was all consuming and soul changing. “How’s your day been?”

It almost felt like you weren’t there, watching Todoroki turn his screen towards Momo as he started rambling on about his morning, like you were seeing a scene from a movie you didn’t want to be watching. You could almost picture them like that, like this was how they’d be as the years passed, chatting in their kitchen while the rest of the world fell away behind them, their skin growing wrinkles but their palms staying matching and pristine. It stung, like the bubbles of hope you let yourself build up were all being popped one by one, like wasps were stinging your insides just to put you back in your place.

“Todoroki we need you out here for a second?” A girl poking her head into the room looked apologetic as she motioned for Todoroki to follow her, his eyes darting between your own and Momo’s before he was slipping out. You wanted to grab his wrist and drag him back in, wanted to force him to stay and serve as a barrier protecting you from talking to your own worst fear. Momo was everything you wished you were, the person you were most envious of and found yourself loathing when none of this was her fault.

She couldn’t help it the universe had paired her with Todoroki, she couldn’t help it that she was made for him and you weren’t. It wasn’t her fault that you didn’t have a soulmate and yet on the nights you laid alone in bed you found yourself blaming her, because she had gotten the person you craved like a drug. She couldn’t change the fact that you were made to be alone, that you had fallen in love with a man that was made for someone else, someone you could never be. You could blame her all you wanted but none of this was Momo’s fault, and deep in your chest you knew that, you just wanted someone to be mad at. Disliking her had seemed the easiest way of avoiding the demons you liked to ignore, the truth of knowing that you were meant for no one and there was no reasoning behind it too much for you to accept. You wanted a cause, wanted an explanation, even if you’d never truly get one.

And through your jealousy that temporary bandage of an explanation had become her.

“He works too much sometimes, don’t you think?” Her light voice made you lift your head, eyes flickering over her features as she stared at his desk, drawing on the surface with the tip of her finger. She had a half smile on her lips as she shook her head side to side, laughing faintly as she adjusted in her seat, the dark jeans she had on almost matching the ones Todoroki had on, pale pink sneakers poking out beneath the ends of them. “I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and find him typing away on his laptop.”

You tried to laugh, tried to ignore how your chest stung picturing them in bed together, tried to pretend the mental image didn’t make you want to curl up in a ball and scream until your lungs gave out. She meant well, she was trying to make conversation rather than sit there in silence in her boyfriends office, but you doubted your amusement was even half convincing. You weren’t sure it was possible to be genuine when your insides felt like they were rotting, weren’t sure if you could even be truly happy when your soul had stopped trying to a while ago.

“Yeah, he gets sucked into it sometimes.” Your head bobbed in a half nod as you focused back down on your legs, tracing circles around the red scratch on your knee from when you bumped into your bed frame earlier in the week.

“I’m sure it’s just because he’s so passionate about it, but sometimes it worries me. I’d hate to see him overwork himself.” She trailed off, eyes focused on you judging by the slight shift in voice and the subtle goosebumps rising on the back of your neck. You lifted your head to lock eyes with her, hands overlapping each other in your lap as she pressed her lips into a thin line, like she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. “Does he mention it to you? That he’s tired or unhappy?”

Todoroki was never really one to share emotions with people, not the ones that he didn’t deem good or important enough. It took you months of persistence before he opened up about any problems he had, any unhappiness that lingered in his heart. He took a lot on himself, held the weight of the world on the tops of his shoulders but still stood tall with a smile on his face. He didn’t like admitting he needed help or comfort, besides with a few people, and somehow you’d become lucky enough to be one of them.

You’d become the friend who he called in the middle of the night to talk about the things that were keeping him up. You’d become the one who heard of all the problems his parents had caused for him, the one who listened to the things he disliked about society and the way the world worked. You were his confidant and his comfort blanket, and in many ways he was yours, the one person who never judged you when the mark on your hand made you want to ball your eyes out. He never pushed away from you when the rest of the world sent you judging looks, never let others assumptions change the way he acted around you.

All he wanted at the end of the day was to be happy, and for the people he cared about to feel the same. You knew how heavily it weighed on him when someone was upset or unhappy, and sometimes he felt the need to try and fix things himself. He always went out of his way to do extra work if it’d help his co workers, always volunteered to be the one paying for other’s lunches so it wasn’t a burden. He always went to his family dinners even if they made him miserable, always put up with his parents nasty remarks and harsh judgements because he thought he had to. He pushed back in little ways, with his career and choice of friends, but sometimes you wondered if it was enough for him.

He had a heart that was surely even more golden than the shimmering line on your palm, one that shined like a lighthouse in the dead of night, but also weighed heavily in his chest. Sometimes you wondered if he was stopping himself from being as happy as he made most everyone else. You questioned, if he could have anything in the entire world, what he would want, what the secret wishes were he had that he’d never uttered out loud.

If you could wish for anything, you would wish for him.

“No, but I don’t think he would admit working too much is a problem anyway.” She nodded, glancing away to focus out the window at your response, the light falling over her features like a spotlight on a beautiful painting. “I should get going, my lunch break is ending soon.”

Her head moved up and down as you stood, eyes not turning towards you as you tugged down on your skirt, making sure it hadn’t ridden up. She was outlining her soulmark, you noticed, the dark lines stretching along her palm almost dark as the night sky, her teeth digging into her bottom lip. You could picture it on Todoroki’s, could see the mark you’d memorized and tried to wish away like a movie playing in your subconscious. They probably traced eachother’s all the time, probably had dreamed their whole lives of meeting the other and lucky for them they had. Lucky for them they had someone who matched them, they got to love the person they wanted to love and didn’t have to hide it under blankets of self loathing.

From the time you were a child it was all you heard about, soulmates, how magical and wonderful it would be when you met them. Everyone talked about it, about how that one person was the only one meant for you, society ensuring that with the laws preventing non-soulmate relationships over a certain age. There were people who didn’t like it, those who found the laws oppressive and out of date, considering most people ended up with their soulmate anyway, but fighting back was pointless. It was all so ingrained into society at this point, the nursery rhymes you’d sing at recess even laced with the messages of your one and only being the one you matched marks with.

They always said the only person you’d truly love would be your soulmate, and maybe that was why ignoring how strongly you felt for Todoroki hurt so much. Because he wasn’t your soulmate, he didn’t match your mark and yet you’d fallen so damn in love with him it seemed impossible for your brain to accept he didn’t belong with you. Even there in his office, staring at the girl with a mark on her palm that was an exact copy of Todoroki’s, it felt wrong, like the burning in your chest was more than just jealousy. You loved him more than all the stars loved the night sky and you couldn’t help the thought that maybe you loved him more than Momo could.

“I like your necklace, by the way.” You paused your movements towards the door when she spoke up, spine tensing as your fingers subconsciously rose to toy with the pendant hanging from your neck. You turned back towards her, her eyes drawn to where your hand was, her lips spread in a half smile that curved downwards as her fingers curled, hand palming into a loose fist on her lap. “Todoroki gave it to you?”

She phrased it like a question but didn’t seem to want an answer, your lips parted slightly as you swallowed down hard. Your hand slipped away from the necklace, landing back at your side as you nodded once nonetheless, her eyes drifting away from the jewelry to instead float back up to your face, smile faded as she blinked a few times. The air felt heavier, more thick, like the unknown thoughts running through her head were clogging up the space, skin feeling too hot like suddenly you had on a hundred layers of clothing.

“I found it one day, when I was doing the laundry. He’d forgotten to take it out of his jacket pocket before he tossed it in the hamper. I actually had thought it was a present for me. ” Her voice had dropped in volume, her head shaking as she exhaled all the oxygen from her lungs and took a quick glance at the necklace again. Your stomach felt like it dropped, like it had been filled with cement and was too heavy to stay put, an irrational sense of guilt crawling up your spine from the look on her face. She looked wounded and confused, wistful but unaware of what she wanted to say, mouth opening and closing twice before she finally spoke. “Is something going on between the two of you?”

“What?” You could feel your heartbeat in your throat, surprised by her rather upfront question, and judging by the way her eyes widened momentarily she must not have meant to be so forward. She cleared her throat, pursing her lips and exhaling heavily as she looked out the windows again, your fingers curling into your palms to close into tight fists to hide how they were shaking.

“Do you like Todoroki?”

“Sorry about that.” Todoroki’s rush back into room cut off anything you would have said, lips parted and pulse pounding in your eardrums as you took a step back towards the door. It felt like you’d been caught red handed doing something you shouldn’t, like you were a little kid with their hands shoved into the cookie jar before dinner. Todoroki’s palm landed on your back as you stumbled slightly into him, his eyebrows raised when he focused down on you, hair falling onto his forehead like he’d just combed his fingers through it. “You okay?”

“I have to go.” The words tumbled out as you stepped away from the warmth of his palm, ignoring his fingers as they tried to grasp onto your wrist, clearly confused as to why you were hurrying out. You could feel Momo staring at the pair of you, could sense Todoroki’s apprehension to just let you run off so clearly bothered. You knew he wouldn’t follow you, not with Momo there, his soulmate, with her perfect packed lunch for him waiting on his table top.

It was like you were in a haze, barely anything registering in your eardrums as you walked back into your office, sitting down to riffle through the papers waiting for you on the desk, eyes moving over the words but not reading them. You couldn’t feel anything besides the pounding in your chest, the force so strong it felt like it might burst through your ribcage and fall onto your keyboard.

You didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to handle the situation or the question she’d thrown at you. What would she do if she found out you were in love with her soulmate? Would she keep him away from you and cut off the thing you cared about most. Did she know for a fact you liked Todoroki or was she just insecure? Was it that painfully obvious you were completely in love with him? If she knew you liked Todoroki, than did he know? It felt like the room was spinning and no one else could notice but you, like the walls were caving in and on them was written all of your secrets, ready to swallow you whole.

All the worst case scenarios were flooding into your conscious and making your eyes burn, eyes squeezing shut, the paper fluttering between your fingers as your hands slightly shook from your nerves. It felt like all your emotions had skyrocketed and you didn’t know how to handle it. You simultaneously wanted to call Todoroki to listen to him talk until you calmed down and wanted to run as far away from him as possible, wanted to lock yourself in a room where no one could see you anymore. It was all too much for you to deal with alone but was too heavy of a secret to spill on anyone else.

Who exactly could you tell that you were madly in love with your closest friend and his soulmate had perhaps figured that out?

Who could you tell that your world felt like it was about to fall apart?

Sometimes when you were thinking too much your eyes stopped focusing, the world becoming fuzzy as all your attention poured into daydreams rather than what was right in front of you. It felt like a filter, like you’d applied a blur to the colors coming from your laptop, barely registering the sounds of laughter pouring from the speakers. You could fall into a fog when you were like that, could get so distracted away from the world around you with a few dazed blinks at nothing in particular. It always seemed to happen when you had the most on your mind, the loss of focus, your quiet breathing the background noise to the scenarios running through your mind.

Right now those scenarios were all about Todoroki.

You’d been thinking about what Momo said all afternoon, that alone enough to make a wave of panic ripple through your gut. She’d looked so distant, so unreadable but somehow intimidating, like she had your entire world in her palms and didn’t realize it yet. You questioned how long she’d been thinking about it, if finding the necklace from Todoroki was what spurred her self doubt or if she’d known from the first time she answered his phone for him and found you on the other end. You wondered if it poured out of you so visibly that everyone knew but just hadn’t had the heart to shut you down, that you were a silent laughing stock to the haves, the only have not there seemed to be who didn’t know their place.

Your lungs deflated as your lids fell shut, feet shuffling beneath the blanket covering your legs, the sounds of the stupid action film playing on your laptop coming to a stop when you blindly reached out and smacked at the keyboard. The enveloping silence was both too quiet and too loud, letting your thoughts run rampant until they were so aggressive they felt like blood chilling screams. You didn’t know what to do or where to go now, you didn’t know how to handle a situation that hadn’t even happened yet. There were too many what ifs, too many possibilities for how Momo’s question came about and too many options for how bad the outcome from it would be.

You’d never imagined loving someone would be so messy when you were growing up, always idolizing that passion for another human being as something almost magical, something otherworldly. Everyone made it seem like once you found it nothing else would matter, that the world would stop being so loud until all you could feel was that love in your chest. No one told you how bitter it would be, how acrid the taste in your mouth would be watching the person you loved be with someone else. No one took the time to sit you down and tell you maybe things wouldn’t work out how you wanted, no one set you aside and traced the gold on your palm to warn you maybe you wouldn’t be as lucky as everyone else.

No one told you back then that maybe you’d be alone now.

No one told you that love was only magical when someone was loving you back.

The buzzing beside your thigh made your lids flutter open, the fuzzy light still coming from your computer painting your legs the color of a blue sky. You squinted at your cell phone, blinking rapidly as Todoroki’s name came into focus flashing across the front. He’d texted you a few times since you rushed off so suddenly earlier, always able to tell when something was bothering you even when you wouldn’t admit it. He had a way of knowing things about you before you knew them yourself, always noticing little quirks and habits that he’d point out before you realized you even had them. He knew you better than you did and at times it made it harder to ignore how strongly you felt for him, made it scarier to imagine moving far enough away you wouldn’t see his face everyday.

Part of you was tempted to let it ring, to ignore his voice just a little longer, to try and peel yourself away from the strong hold he had on you without even realizing it. You didn’t know if he��d talked to Momo, if she told him her suspicions and was now just calling to let you down easy, didn’t know if he was calling to tell you he couldn’t be around you anymore because it caused her discomfort. You didn’t know if you could listen to him reject you, didn’t think you could handle how crestfallen you’d be if he quietly whispered that he couldn’t see you again. You didn’t know what you’d do if your worse case scenario was true and Todoroki was about to be ripped away from you, but the stronger part of your will power was desperate to hear his voice ringing in your ear drum, regardless of the words coming from his parted lips.

“Hello?”

“Thank gosh, I was starting to get worried.” His relieved sigh made your lips tug slightly up into a smile on your cheeks, picturing the way his hand was probably tugging through his hair in his bedroom, his legs folded up like a little kid. “You weren’t texting me back all afternoon.”

“Sorry, I was just sort of out of it.” Your lips pressed into a thin line as you leaned back in your bed, palm resting flat on your stomach, the huge t-shirt that was serving as a pajama top bunching around your waist. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“It’s alright.” He hummed for a moment, ears picking up on the sound of his bedroom window being pulled shut, before he let out a heavy puff of air, presumably moving to sit back down on his oversized bed. You wondered if he was alone in it, gut churning picturing Momo there beside him, nerves swelling with the unknown of where this conversation was going. “You just rushed out so fast earlier I thought I’d done something. You don’t usually ignore my texts and I guess I just thought the worst.”

His faint chuckle at his own worry made your chest ache, eyes squeezing shut in relief that Momo hadn’t said anything to him, or at least if she hadn’t he didn’t seem to be taking it to heart. You still felt apprehensive, shaken up, like you were on the edge of a cliff and unsure of how good your balance was anymore. It was soothing to hear his voice nonetheless once you got over the initial panic, swallowing hard to get down the rock formed in your esophagus before you spoke.

“You worry too much, Todoroki.”

“Only about you.” The laugh that followed the syllables made your lungs feel empty of oxygen, body rolling onto its side and face nuzzling slightly in the pillow. If you closed your eyes tight enough you could almost imagine it was Todoroki’s chest you were burying yourself against, could almost smell his cologne you’d memorized the scent of long ago. It was like you were intoxicated and the only think you’d ever tasted was him, like was your drug of choice and biggest addiction, one you didn’t want to worry about the consequences from. “I can’t stand when you’re mad at me. “

“I’m hardly ever mad at you.”

“Remember that time I broke your coffee table and you didn’t talk to me for a week?”

It was so easy to fall back into him, so easy to let the conversation flow naturally into your eardrums with him giggling through the phone and rambling everytime you responded. It was simple, loving him, when the rest of the world was quiet. It was easier to love him from afar, through the safety of a phone where you could hang up and close yourself back off once it was over. It was more difficult to hide the stares when you were in front of him, harder to swallow back the praises you wanted to shout at him, to stop yourself from grabbing his hand and never letting go. When you were apart you could pretend everything was fine, you could close your eyes and imagine your soulmarks matched, that he was yours and he was close enough for you to touch. When you were in front of him you were reminded of everything you didn’t have, reminded every time you saw his palm that he already had his someone and it wasn’t you.

He made things feel easy, made the rhythm of you talking feel easy over the time that passed with him speaking to you through the phone. He chipped away at your unease and put a fog over the worries that had been burning into your brain, if only temporarily. His chatter about his afternoon and tangents about things you already knew were enough to make everything feel warmer, more gentle. He knew how to get to the deepest parts of you and brighten them, knew how to pull you from your own thoughts without much effort, in a way that you could only hope you did for him as well.

“I wish I was there right now.” His heavy sigh made you swallow, rolling onto your back as you took a peek at the alarm on your bedside table, reading the blinking red numbers with a muted yawn. You ignored the fluttering in your stomach at the idea, picturing him momentarily there in bed beside you, imagining how incredible he’d look with his hair all fused up and his chest rising and falling like the rhythm of a slow ballad.

“I’m sure Momo will be back soon from her parents, it’s not like you’ll be home alone that much longer.” Her name sounded foreign coming from your tongue but you tried to ignore it, arching your back and moving your legs as you tried to pry the blanket up from underneath you, slipping it over your body soon after. It was soft, like the texture of a those giant teddy bears people got for valentines day, the same color of the sun the sky had been wearing that morning.

“She probably will, but that wasn’t what I meant.”

You paused momentarily as his words floated through the phone, unsure of what to say to that, not positive what exactly he meant. It made your pulse quicken, pounding in your fingertips and eardrums like you’d just run a marathon in the middle of summer. He seemed to be contemplating how to continue, judging from the deep breathe you heard him suck in before he spoke again, voice somehow more gentle than before.

“I wish I was there in your bed, in your apartment, with you.” He paused and cleared his throat slightly, the sound of him flopping onto his pillows melding with the car honking as it drove by down below on the street. “I miss you.”

“You saw me a few hours ago.” You laughed faintly, heart in your throat and pounding so violently it was hard to breathe, something about his tone and choice of words feeling more intimate than you were used to with him. Suddenly the phone didn’t feel like it was giving you much distance from him, felt like it was making you more vulnerable without seeing his face to try and work out what was going on inside his head.

“I don’t care, I miss you.” His voice dropped in volume, your lids falling shut as you took a heavy breathe, one that felt like it wasn’t enough oxygen even with your lungs swelled like close-to-popping balloons. “I miss your laugh and your smile and that look you get when you stare out the window too long and forget what we were talking about. I love when you do that, have I ever mentioned that to you? I love when you get all embarrassed or angry and try to act like you were listening to a single thing I said.”

“What are you doing, Todoroki?”

“I love your soulmark too. I know you hate talking about it and hate seeing it even more but it’s so beautiful. It’s the prettiest shade of gold, it reminds me of what the sun looks like right before it sets.” He ignored the slight wave to your voice as his kept getting softer through his rambles, your hands shaking as you used one to grip the blanket around your waist. It felt like the room was spinning, like your brain couldn’t keep up with the things tumbling past his lips. “Sometimes I wish mine looked like that. Sometimes I wonder how different things would be if mine matched yours.”

You nearly dropped the phone, your lips pressing into a thin line to stop yourself from saying anything. Your eyes burned as you squeezed them shut, trying not to make a sound as you let the words replay in your head, fingers shaking as you gripped the blanket tighter. It was something you’d thought about a lot as well, about how desperately you wished your marks matched, about how different things would be if he was your soulmate. It was almost strange to hear him saying it, like you were daydreaming rather than being awake, like your dream had come a reality but was laced with a nightmare.

“I was so disappointed that day in the park, when I ran into you and I saw your palm when you went to brush off your sweater. Fuck my stomach just sank to my feet, like someone kicked me in the chest and tried to bash my ribcage in.” His bitter laugh sounded thick, too loud for how mutely he was speaking, your teeth clamping down onto your bottom lip in an attempt to stop yourself from letting him know there were stray tears slipping down your temples onto your cotton pillowcase. “I never hated my own soulmark before that, I never wanted so badly for it to go away or be someone else’s instead. ”

“Don’t say things like that.” Your voice shook as you interjected him, sniffling once as you shook your head reverently on the bed, the room feeling too small, the air too hot, heart still like a drumbeat in your eardrums.

“I wanted it to be you so bad.”

You didn’t bother hiding the quiet cry that fell from your lips as you rolled over onto your side and pressed your cheek into the damp pillow, muscles too tight from how hard you were trying to hold yourself together. It felt right and wrong, it sounded like heaven and hell, hearing him tell you how damn much he wanted you to be his one, because it was what you wanted all along. You’d always wanted Todoroki, you’d wanted him since that day in the park and him finding a soulmate hadn’t changed that.

But even if he meant the words past his somewhat tired and rambling state of speaking out loud it didn’t matter. Even if he was as in love with you as you were with him, the two of you could never happen, it was never and would never be allowed. Todoroki had a soulmate, and by law he had to be with her. You would never be allowed to touch his skin or kiss his lips, you’d never get permission to marry him someday or fall in love with the eyes of the world watching you. You could never have Todoroki, even if somehow what he was saying held as much weight as it felt like it did. Even if you both loved eachother, you couldn’t be in love, and that was what crushed you the most.

“Todoroki?” You could faintly make out the sound of Momo’s voice as she called out in the background, cutting off Todoroki as he cleared his throat to say something else, your eyes snapping open, like someone had woken you up from a too deep sleep. Without thinking you pulled the phone from your ear, hitting end and tossing it away to the end of the bed, like it’d been on fire and you’d only now realized.

Everything felt twisted now, more confusing than before, because Todoroki had never said anything like that to you. He’d never brought up that day you two met in the park, never said that he’d felt as stopped in his tracks as you had been. He never told you that he wished his palm looked like yours, never informed you of how angry it made him that you didn’t match, how much he hated his own palm after seeing yours.

Todoroki had a soulmate, he had Momo, and he was supposed to be with her, but the words that had tumbled from his lips felt like ones he’d been stopping himself from saying for a long time. He sounded lost, confused, desperate for someone or something to give him a sign on what he was supposed to do, what all the things he’d bottled up meant. You didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to handle the world piling all of this onto you, onto your already fragile heart and weaning self acceptance. You didn’t know how you were supposed to stop yourself from loving someone when he was making you feel like somewhere in the back of his mind, he loved you back.

Your hands rose, covering the entirety of your face as you cried quietly into them, chest shaking as you choked on the air you tried to get down, everything feeling like too much once again. You were exhausted and wide awake simultaneously, desperate to sleep but scared of what you’d dream. You didn’t know didn’t know what was the right thing to do and what was the wrong, and weren’t sure which path you even wanted to take. You felt like the world had swallowed you whole, like you were thrown down a pit and left to figure out how to pull yourself free.

There in your bedroom with his whisper of how much he’d wished you’d been made for him replaying in your head, you had never felt more confused.

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#todoroki shouto #shouto #todoroki #todoroki x reader #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #milk and tea fic #todoroki fluff #todoroki angst #todoroki smut

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

milk and tea > 1

rating: [pg-13 / angst] genre: soulmate au pairing: todoroki shouto x reader warnings: cursing, heartbreak, angst! word count: 5k

listen while you read here! join the discord!

chap 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 [final]

Some people related gold to beauty, to the shade of the sun when it reflected off of water in the summer. They associated the colour with the way the wind blew the warm toned leaves off of trees in the fall, pictured sunlight peeking through scattered blooming branches in the spring. Gold was the tone of wealth and wonder, a shade so beautiful that it was coveted as royalty, as otherworldly in design. It was the shade that flickered in the middle of a fire, it emitted the feeling of whimsy, of something bigger than it appeared. For you however it made your heart sink, the colour that filled your gut with dread and turned your blood to an icy sludge. You’d liked it at one point, had admired the way the tone shined in a straight line from the base of your palm straight up to the tip of your middle finger. But now it made you feel alone, hollow, like a constant shimmering reminder of the life you were meant to live, completely by yourself.

A reminder that while the rest of the world had a soulmate, you had no one.

It was funny how something you’d loved about yourself when you were younger had become the glaring marker of things you disliked now. The golden slash on your palm had been something you showed off to friends, comparing soul marks with the other kids on the playground, giggling about the possibilities of who you could match with. You used to all day dream about it, if one of you would pair up with the prince or princess of a country, if one of you would marry a celebrity and become a famous duo. The magic around it hadn’t begun to fade until your friends all got paired off one by one, birthdays starting to fill you with pain rather than the giddiness of a child. Looking at your palm was like staring at a ticking clock, one counting down to the moment everything you feared became the truth, the moment your twenty second birthday started and any chances of finding your soulmate were gone.

Soulmate marks didn’t do much, almost serving like a tattoo you couldn’t get removed or cover with makeup, the skin varying in pigments and shapes from person to person. You didn’t taste what the other tasted, didn’t feel what they felt or know what they were thinking, you just saw them, matched their mark, and knew. Everyone spoke about feeling like they’d been hit by a tidal wave of emotions the first time they saw their other half, like the world stop spinning and all the things that didn’t make sense before suddenly had answers. You didn’t know how it felt, to meet your soulmate for the first time, to see them and feel that gush of emotions everyone spoke about so vividly it made you desperate to find it. You thought you had once, imagined for a few seconds that the way your heart started pounding and throat caved in that you had found him, the person made for you.

He was beautiful, his duo-coloured locks a complete mess as the wind blew straight through the sweater you’d tossed on that morning. He’d spilled his coffee all over you as you both dashed through the park to get to opposite trains, his eyes wide when you looked up into them, lips parted and ready to spew out agitated jabs, but they’d never came. You thought you’d found it, tasted the possibilities of where things could go next, pictured yourself tracing your fingers over his pale skin as he stared right back at you and the noise of the park fell silent. You let yourself imagine a future with him, one where you’d finally get to be the friend that told everyone you’d found your person, your soulmate, the one who made your lungs give out and pulse pound so hard it bruised and broke apart your rib cage.

But then you saw his palm, his mark not golden but navy blue, the shade just slightly darker than that of a bundle of blueberries. His mark was not one line but one with multiple added on the sides like a tree spreading it’s branches out to each finger tip. It was it the same place as yours, the same straight edges. It was similar to yours, yes, but not the same.

He was meant for someone, just not for you.

Looking at him now you could still picture him from three years ago, could still feel the way your heart sped up just staring at him sleeping on your bed like it’d done the day he poured coffee all over your front. He wasn’t meant for you and yet your soul still breathed for him, he wasn’t designed to occupy your thoughts and despite that he was all you ever dreamed about. He was the thing that kept you up at night and greeted you when you fell asleep, the person that gave you even the smallest taste of what it could feel like to be someone’s something, even if all of it was only in your head.

Shouto Todoroki.

His hair was draped across his forehead as he mumbled into the pillow bunched up beneath his temple, lips apart as a breathy sigh fell from them while his knuckles bent, fingers digging into the duvet. The moonlight shining brightly outside casted through the windows and onto the planes of his face, accentuating the way his chest rose and fell like the weight of the world was, for once, not on his shoulders, the gentle pitter patter of rain meeting your eardrums and melting into the somber sensation in your veins. It wasn’t fair that he wasn’t yours. It was cruel that you got to be so close to him but didn’t get to love him freely, that your birthdays ticked by year after year with no soulmate in sight when someone so perfect was close but off limits.

You had to meet them before you turned twenty two, that was the rule with soulmates, the reality not many had to face. If you didn’t meet your someone by then, you didn’t have one. It didn’t happen often, the cases of it far and few between, but still prevalent enough for facilities to offer counselling for people like you. People who were meant to be alone, people destined to spend forever without someone there next to them in the mornings when they drank their cup of coffee. People made for no one but themselves, left to wonder what exactly they were worth if they weren’t worth the universe giving them someone to love.

Todoroki had come over because he knew that even if you kept insisting you were fine you weren’t, that the minutes ticking by that day weren’t like the normal ones because they were the last ones you could spend with an ounce of hope left. It seemed almost fitting, that you’d be alone when the clock struck twelve, that the sky would have opened up and started pouring buckets just a few minutes before your birthday officially began. Your time was about to be up, the digital clock on the bedside table glaring a bright red 23:57 at you when you took another glance at Todoroki, whose arm had sprawled out and now hung slightly off the too large mattress.

You two had gotten lunch that day he crashed into you, neither of you mentioning the solid minute of silence that had passed after you laid eyes on each other in the park, pretending that neither of your chests had deflated when you looked at the other’s palms and weren’t met with the mirror of their own. He’d insisted on paying you back for the sweater and after some convincing you let him, that apology lunch turning into another, and another, until eventually you found yourself calling each other at two am to talk about how confusing life seemed to be. You felt connected to him, attached almost from the second you first heard him speak, like your heart had decided it belonged to Todoroki even though it wasn’t supposed to be. He’d become your constant over the past three years, your best friend and the only person who ever filled your day dreams, the one who was proving to be your ‘almost’.

You two spent all your time together, it was almost like you wanted to make yourself hurt, like you adored to make believe the two of you could have a happily ever after when it wasn’t ever going to happen. For a while you’d grown selfish, thinking that maybe neither of you had a soulmate and in turn you could become each other’s, pretending that the stares you’d catch him sending your way meant more than the friendly half smiles that followed. You’d wondered if maybe he was silently wishing for it too, hoping that the universe had made a mistake and not made your marks match. That perhaps you’d end up together after everything was said and done and the pain of thinking you’d end up alone would have been worth it, because you would have had him.

And then he’d met her.

His soulmate.

Your eyes fell shut at the thought of her, body shifting back towards the large-paned windows of your apartment as the rain splattered against them, oxygen leaving you in shaky puffs of held in emotions. You never liked to think about her, didn’t want to focus on the girl that was allowed to love Todoroki in ways that you weren’t. You couldn’t hold his hand, couldn’t touch him in public past pats on the arm or brushes when you passed each other in a crowded hall. You didn’t get to hold him at night or whisper quiet ‘I love you’s’ that made his thin lips spread into dazzling lazy grins. You didn’t get to love him and she did, and you hated how angry you were at the girl when you’d never even spoken to her, despised that you weren’t happy for your best friend like you were supposed to be. Just because you were meant to be alone didn’t mean he had to be, and yet in the bottom of your heart it didn’t feel right, like you’d spent so long convincing yourself maybe you could have each other that reality was a pill too tough to swallow.

Momo Yaoyorozu was stunning. The midnight black hair that cascaded over her shoulders when she walked, a delicate smile that looked like that of a doll’s, a pleasant voice that flowed like a feather in the breeze. She was beautiful, and from the few bits Todoroki had told you about her, she was incredibly kind and smart, finishing up a degree in teaching so she could work at her own preschool someday. Her family was wealthy, about as wealthy as Todoroki’s was, and it was almost laughable that he’d end up being meant for someone so cookie cutter perfect for his parent’s standard.

Todoroki and his family hadn’t always harboured the best relationship, the family focused more on how things looked than how they felt, caring more about Todoroki’s potential future and life than his now or his heart. Maybe they had good intentions, deep down, just wanting their son to live a safe life, one with stability and comfort rather than hard work, freedom and passion. They wanted him to go to college and he decided not to. They pressured him to become a hero like his father. They pushed and he pulled back, a constant cycle of a someone trying to grow but being shoved back to the ground, like a flower in a garden trapped under a rock.

You were someone they’d never cared for, not since the first time the pair of you bumped into them at the store during your lunch breaks from work. His father had shook your hand with a smile that turned stiff after a once over, your ears picking up on his mother’s not so subtle ‘you should stay away from her, people will get the wrong idea‘ as you excused yourself to finish shopping. Todoroki hadn’t listened, clearly, filling his afternoons and evenings with you most days, the pair of you near attached at the hip.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

His voice made you jump, eyes peeling open but body not turning as his fingertips skimmed the edges of your elbows, tone raspy from the sleep still thick in his throat. It made your stomach twist, feeling the heat of his body so close, his thin white shirt doing little to prevent it from radiating out of his chest. He was always hot, like the sun that kissed his skin was living inside his body, pouring out warmth and life that made you revolve around him like he was the center of your universe.

“Why would I have woken you up?”

“Because it’s your birthday.”

Your head turned slightly at that, eyes focusing on the digital clock now blaring a bright red 00:04 that reflected off the glass topped table while you shrugged. He was staring at you, you could feel the way his eyes followed yours when you turned to look back out the window, focusing on the beads of water rolling down the damp panes rather than how delicate his touch was as his palms encased your folded forearms. You wanted to melt into him, wanted to fall back into his chest and savour the feeling of him so close to you while you could. You were silently desperate to pretend that he was your soulmate, that when you woke up in the morning he’d still be there in the bed next to you and not back at his house with her.

“Happy Birthday.” He was being quiet, like if he spoke too loud you would crumble to pieces, his arms inviting themselves to snake around your waist and pull your back into his chest when you hesitated to do so yourself. His hair was tickling your cheek as his chin dipped down to rest on your shoulder, your lashes fluttering as your lids clamped shut and lungs deflated, memorising the way his heartbeat faintly pounded against your flush skin. It felt like a gentle melody, like a soothing thumping that reminded you he was real and not just a perfect mirage in your head.

It was intoxicating, being in his arms, feeling the heat from his skin spreading through his shirt and into you, aware of his breathes as they barely skimmed the side of your cheek and neck. You wondered if he could tell how rapidly your pulse was pounding, if he knew that even when the world felt dark he was like the lone candle still flickering on, refusing to go out and plunge you into an abyss. You questioned if he knew just how much he meant to you; if he knew just how completely in love with him you were when you’d never uttered a single word about it.

“Thank you.” You mumbled, hands raising to just barely skim his knuckles before you were pulling from his grasp, taking a few steps away from the window to sit down on the edge of your bed. You looked at him finally, focusing on the way his chest rose and fell while he followed you over to the mattress, his body sinking down beside yours and making the bed dip, your thigh scooting flush into his from the gravity. “I don’t know if I’d exactly call it happy though.”

“I know.” He sighed and flopped back onto the mattress, hands resting on his lower stomach as his shirt bunched slightly. You looked down at him, admiring the way his hair fell off his forehead still messy from sleep as it fanned just barely around his ears, watching his jaw clench and relax as his mind worked languidly, taking yet another note of the scar that donned his left eye. The rain was creating odd shapes on his front, like moving shadows that couldn’t sit still, creating darkness on his light in its stagnant state, his body a canvas for the night sky to paint upon.

He didn’t like to try and comfort you with words, usually, never forced out vague reminders that everything would be okay even if you didn’t have a soulmate. He knew that you loathed it, that the pity filled glances of people watching you grow to be alone made your skin crawl with frustration. Todoroki never babied you, never forced out whispers that he knew how you felt when in reality he never could. He still was there for you though, still calmed the waves of self doubt that churned in your gut with gentle brushes of his palms on your arms, silenced the screams in your head with his light laughter and fingers lingering on your hand longer than necessary. He’d been with you a lot more than usual lately, and you weren’t sure if it was because of your impending expiration date or if he simply didn’t feel comfortable yet sharing a place with Momo.

They’d just moved in together a few weeks ago, the next natural progression in the relationship given his parents pushing for Todoroki to not hesitate so much with things. Momo and Todoroki had barely known each other for a few weeks before their families were urging them to move faster, to be thinking about marriage rather than getting to know the little intricacies about each other. The entire world was watching, waiting to make sure they followed the rules, that they weren’t fighting against something that was required by law to follow. He had pushed back against it for a while, wanting to take his time, to get to know the girl he was supposed to be with, but also had a hard time ignoring the pressure dumped on his shoulders. The place was nice at least, you’d seen it before they got their furniture moved in, let yourself imagine a world where the quaint home was for the two of you and not him and another girl.

It was hard to think about, Todoroki being with Momo, his lips touching her lips and his hands touching her palms. It made you want to vomit, imagining them together, to picture the closeness the two of you shared then mimicked between them, only more intimate, between lovers rather than friends. It stung to picture him bending down on one knee to ask her to marry him someday, burned a whole in your chest to envision him on his wedding day and you not be the one walking down the aisle to greet him. Sometimes you wanted to run away, to leave and move to a different city just so you wouldn’t have to be here when those moments happened, just so you could avoid the inevitable all ending heartbreak that was growing closer by the minute.

His palm encased your knee fleetingly, drawing your attention away from the shadows dancing across his stomach, focusing on his eyes as his lips spread into a gentle smile. He looked incredibly handsome, perfect skin seeming to glow even in the dim cool toned lighting, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as he blinked, weight being pushed up onto his elbows as he nodded once past you. You hesitated to look away, wanting to stare at him a while longer, wanting to memorise the way his lazy grin made your heart feel, wanting to follow how his eyes darted across your features like a painting only he had realised was a masterpiece.

“Open your present.”

His fingers left your knee to instead tap your elbow as your head turned, Todoroki sitting up beside you as your vision landed on a white box resting on your bedside table. You hadn’t noticed it before, the bow on top a pale grey that blended in with the pale light, fingers clasping around the box as you moved it onto your lap, peering down at it. It seemed dangerous, like the small container was actually a bomb in disguise, like it was nothing but false hope for the dreams inside your head when he did things like this. He always got you birthday gifts, always remembered to call and make sure you got home okay after a night apart, always texted you to check in when he went out of town or was too busy to see you. It was like he was unintentionally stoking the fire that burned for him in your gut, like he almost wanted you to stay so attached to him, so desperate to be next to him that you thrived off the morsels affection he’d pass your way.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Shut up and open it.”

He laughed faintly when you rolled your eyes, your lips parting at the delicate necklace that laid inside the box. It wasn’t anything fancy or grand, a simple silver chain with a small moonstone pendant dangling from the centre, but it made your chest sear like it had been scorched. It felt like he’d grabbed hold of your lungs and squeezed with all his might until no air was left within them, like he took a needle and was sewing his own initials into your heart. You could tell he was staring at you, could feel his eyes burning holes into your cheek as your fingers traced over the delicate gem, pulling it from it’s confines and up further into the light, watching the way it glinted as it swayed.

“Wow.” Your speech came out breathy, like it was a part of your natural breathing, eyes drifting from the chain pinched in your fingers to Todoroki, who was smiling like he’d never felt more relaxed in his entire life. “You shouldn’t have, Shouto.”

“Do you like it?”

“Of course I like it.” You looked at him when his hands encased your own, focus drifting over his features as he took the necklace and reached around your neck. It made your heart pound, feeling his thumbs skimming the sides of your throat, being so close to his lips that you could have leaned in and tasted them. “People just might get the wrong idea if they found out you bought it for me”

“I don’t care.” He shrugged, smiling faintly at you when his fingers brushed the back of your neck, fiddling with the clasp until he moved his palms down to rest on his lap, the pendant landing just between your collarbones. You instinctively reached up and touched the surface of it, eyes flickering up into Todoroki’s as he watched you closely, like you were under a microscope. It made your lungs shrink in your chest, made your brain seem to malfunction as his calloused fingertips brushed along your knuckles, gentle as a breeze in the summer.

The silence that fell was comfortable as you glanced down at your fingers, his own weaving through yours before your palms moulded together, the soul marks that were mismatched flush against each other. Your eyes followed his thumb as it moved back and forth over yours, tingles shooting up from your wrist to the top of your elbow, like fireworks were going off in your nerves simply from being so close to him. His free hand rose from its place beside your connected fingers and landed on your cheek, your gaze shifting up as he tucked your hair behind your ear, watching how his lips parted as a heavy exhale exited his body. You wondered what he was thinking, questioned if he could feel you swallow harshly when his touch skimmed over your jawline and made its way slowly along the side of your throat. You wondered if the small proximity between the two of you did the same thing to him as it did to yourself, if his heart was screaming for him to fall into you just like your own was begging him to do.

“Thank you.” His lips tugged slightly into a smile when you spoke, head bobbing in a nod and causing a few of his long strands of hair to fall further onto his forehead. You wished you had his camera there now so you could capture how stunning he looked, hoping he had at least some idea of how breathtaking he could be while he focused on the beauty the rest of the world held.

“You’re welcome.” He hummed, fingers caressing the necklace that hung from your neck, knuckles brushing your bare skin in the process. His gray and blue eyes only danced away from your own for a moment, thumb never once stopping its movements along your own as he reconnected your gazes with a blink of his eyes, grip on you tightening. “It looks beautiful on you.”

“I meant for staying.” Your voice was just above a whisper, scared of disturbing him or making him move away, like if you spoke too loudly he’d realise how little space there was between you. You didn’t want him to move away, didn’t want to feel a centimeter further from him ever again, not even for a second.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

Being so close to him felt like you were in front of the sun even with the rain drizzling just out the window, like you were being baked by the heat and letting the worries melt off your skin. Todoroki was dangerous, because he was so incredibly perfect to you, even in his flaws. From the way he ignored everyone when he was trying to do paperwork to his the gentle humming he did when he fell asleep on the sofa that jolted in volume from his odd snores, you adored every single thing you’d ever found out about him. He was like a walking day dream you’d never get to really feel, like a perfect ice cream cone on the hottest day you’d never get to taste. He was everything you wanted and couldn’t touch, the man you desired who belonged to someone else.

The man who was made for another woman.

The man you loved to the very core of you, with every single cell in your body.

The buzzing of his phone in his pocket was what pulled you apart, the quiet vibration drawing his eyes away before your own, hands fumbling with the object as his grip on you vanished. You knew it was her when he moved to stand and look out the window, voice quiet but loud enough for you to pick up a few words. Momo probably wanted to know when he’d be home, with how late it was, not to mention he got off work hours ago. You couldn’t blame her, even if you hated the thought of him leaving, even if you loathed the times like now where the bit of daydreaming you allowed yourself got ripped away. It was like reality came to smack you back into place, like it wasn’t cruel enough to let you stay happy with Todoroki too long, because the ending was one you knew and kept ignoring nonetheless.

He sighed when he hung up, shoving the phone back in his pocket as he stared past the glass at the dreary world down below, your body rising from the bed to stretch, ignoring the ache in your soul knowing that he had to leave, knowing that you’d be alone here and he’d be at home with her. He turned to look at you with his lips pressed into a thin line, your vision barely able to make out his features with his body blocking the light as he bent over to grab his jacket off a chair. You wondered if he meant what he said before, if he really would rather be there with you than anywhere else. You questioned if he meant it with the entirety of his heart attached like the sentiment would mean from you, or if it was empty words from a friend trying to patch up holes in your already sinking ship.

“I gotta get going.”

He didn’t say why and you didn’t ask, because you already knew, and you imagined perhaps he wasn’t saying why because he knew how much it hurt you. You wondered if he had any idea how in love with him you were, if he hesitated when he kissed your forehead on the way out because he was aware of how desperately you wanted to feel closer to him. You questioned if he paused when he went out the door to turn and promise to call you tomorrow because he could see how lonely you already felt without him inside, if he waved from the street below up to you in the window because he knew how sickeningly much you wished he was going to be in bed with you when you woke up. But he didn’t stay, he couldn’t stay, because he wasn’t supposed to be with you in the first place.

He was supposed to be with her.

And when you looked down at the shimmering gold on your palm, the straight line that caught the small bits of light refracting through the glass panes of the window, it made your throat tighten, eyes feeling as wet as the raindrops dripping from the sky. Because it was a reminder that while he was driving off to be with her, with his soulmate, you were here. It was a reminder that he got to be with someone, got to love someone fully, that the rest of the world got to have someone who cherished them and held them and longed for them with every cell in their body. Because it was a reminder that he was meant to be for her and never would he belong to you. Because it was a glaring reminder that you had only been meant for one thing.

To be alone.

[next chapter]

#todoroki shouto #shouto #todoroki #todoroki x reader #todoroki smut #todoroki angst #todoroki fluff #bnha #bnha x reader #mha #mha x reader #milk and tea fic

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

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COME JOIN IT’S GOING TO BE SUCH A FUN SERVER PLS WE ALL KISS IZZY (6 ft) AT THE DOOR FOR ENTRY !

catboys have been on the horizon lately on my dash and i needed a mfing theme for this server so may i present to you...

CATBOY NATION AND CO~

i’ve collaborated with writers such as @simplybakugou and @aikigai and others to create this!

consider this server a social experiment -_- BUT ANYWAY; if you’re a writer/content creator/reader/looking for new discord’s/like mudae/want to participate in events/want new friends👁👁 etc etc pls join!!

IF YOU STAN BAKUGOU TO SHINSOU TO HAWKS TO SHIGGY; LITERALLY YOU CAN STAN THE WHOLE DAMN TEAM, just bring that ass HERE😎 THE MORE THE MERRIER. also all fandom talk is welcome there is multiple channels for that

also if anyone knows how to fuckn use discord pls come you’ll be added to support on the spot cuz a bitch don’t know shit

https://discord.gg/5syRYG

#discord #promo #THIS IS SO SEXY

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

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IZZY PLS YOU SO DESERVE THIS !!!! your work is so well written and characterised so well im gonna combuST !!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO GLAD WE BECAME MOOTS AND FRIENDS (SOME REAL SHIT: I DONT KNOW IF IM WORTHY OF BEING YOUR FRIEND) BC YOURE AMAZING AND FUNNY AND GIFTED WITH A TALENT ON GOD !!! everyone who’s following me and sees this in their feed, GO. TO. IZZYS. MASTERLIST. AND THANK ME LATER >:) LOTS OF LOVE IN THE HOUSE FOR @bnhatrashh TONIGHT

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME REACH MY NEW MILESTONE

i come back to tumblr dot com today to see that i hit it last night and well over exceeded what i expected to have today! i would’ve never expected to gain THIS much followers as i did due to how inact i was in august BUT NEVERTHELESS IM HERE AND GRATEFUL

IN CONCLUSION: i’ll try to push some content out for you guys today but i wanted to ask what should i do to celebrate?

like i’ve never done that shit before so HELP!!

a fic (2k-4k at least) + matchup raffle to top three winners? hcs? fluff drabbles? ion fucking know~ BUT YOU LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN MIND

#IM SO PROUD OF YOU #I CANT EXPRESS HOW MUCH YOU DESERVE IT #YOUR WRITING? MWAH #YOUR PERSONALITY? DOUBLE MWAH #YOU? YUM !#ILY #bnhatrashh #love dis bitch on god !

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

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THIS HAS ME GOING ABSOLUTELY FERAL ! IM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH OMG IZZY THE POWER YOU HOLD. READING THIS MADE ME FIND A NEW PATH IN LIFE. I FOUND A PURPOSE.

katsuki driving (+ w his s/o)

this is just me adding on juuust a little to the concept of bakugou driving in relation to this ask i had received! (i am a changed woman bcuz of it)

just spitting out what i could think of off from the top of my dome

if katsuki puts his hand on your thigh whilst he’s driving, don’t move it. he put it there for a reason ♡

i feel like he’s the type to subconsciously squeeze his S/O’s thigh while his other hand is on the steering wheel as he tries to navigate his way through ur part of town

or smooth his thumb across the fabric of your jeans/pants

rarely goes through drive through, but when u bug him enough to do so?

you often have to crawl over his lap to reach the window so your voice could be heard through the speaker

he won’t order for you rip

and when you do?? mfer u ARE getting kissed, or at least harassed for one.

he literally makes fast food workers job’s 10x harder because they can’t hear your order due to how this cunt won’t stop bothering you.

“may i please get uh—”

“stop fucking dodging my lips.”

“uhm— a—”

“sorry, i’m afraid i’m going to ask you to repeat that… again.”

“bakugou can i do what i need to do?”

anyway, bakugou has road rage. that is a fact ♡

sometimes you gotta remind he doesn’t always need to cuss out the person who forgets to use their signals when turning

or when people are going 10km below the speeding limit

other than tho he’s a excellent driver and can driver practically any car given to him. he just has the habit to speed… a lot

bonus:

he likes to say “shut up” to literally no one in particular while he skips songs on his phone if he has his phone connected to the aux

#OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR IZZY HAS CLEANSED US AND OUR SOULS #CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS #LIKE SERIOUSLY #THE WAY IZZY WRITES #LIKE SHIT DUDE #GONNA MAKE ME ACT UP #GONNA MAKE ME DO SUMN IM GON REGRET. REAL SHOT #SHIT*#IM GONNA EAT MY PHONE WHILE THIS POST IS ON SCREEN #LITERALLY LET ME TAKE THIS AND IZZYS MASTERLIST TO THE GRAVE W ME #PRINT EVERYTHING SHE WROTE AND PUT IT UNDER MY CROSSED ARMS WHILE IM IN MY CASKET DEAD AND WITHERING #ONLY THEN WILL I UNDERSTAND TRUE EUPHORIA #IZZY HAS ME TRIPPING !#STAN IZZY OR PERISH #SIMPLE #fic rec #bnhatrashh #im creating a tag on my blog for you sexy #bc i already know im reblogging everything you write

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

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little lion man > alt. ending

rating: [pg-13 / angst] pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader x todoroki shouto warnings: cursing, lots of yummy angst >:)) word count: 3.3k

listen while you read here!

join the discord !

ch.1 + ch.2 + ch.3 + ch.4 (final) + alt. ending

Leaving behind the person you love the most was like ripping your heart out of your chest bare handed. When you boarded the plane that took you miles away from Bakugou’s sleeping figure, you left your heart there beside him, broken and tattered. It was up to him whether he would try to reassemble the pieces, and up to you whether you would want it back. You had both made so many mistakes and waited so long that you were in the worst situation imaginable, and really, you weren’t sure it was possible to pull back from that. You needed to understand yourself again. You needed to choose what you wanted, and so did he.

You would be lying if you said you hadn’t been petrified to find out his answer.

The first six months of being away had been incredibly hard, the pain still fresh in your chest, the world continuing to spin while you fell apart. Simple tasks felt too hard to do some days because all you wanted was to cry. You wanted him, but wanted to be away from him all at the same time. You’d see him in everything you did and life felt like a challenge, because you now knew what it was like to hear him say he loved you too, and somehow that made it worse.

You heard through Todoroki the day after you left that Bakugou had broken things off with Camie. Though you felt guilty, the bubble of hope for the future that formed formed in your chest was unignorable.

He would call you every night those months, even though you never answered. You needed time but he didn’t want it, he would say he was trying but the messages waiting in your inbox every evening said otherwise. You’d listen to his voicemails in your too small bed, focusing on how his voice would quiver when he whispered how much he missed you. How badly he wished you’d talk to him. How much it hurt when he woke up and you weren’t there, like it’d all been a cruel dream that taunted him.

He’d fill the messages with admitting how stupid and wrong he had been to put you both in the situation you were in. Sometimes when he got particularly upset, his messages would turn into ants about how angry he was at himself for fucking up something that could mean so much.

Part of you felt awful hearing his heart broken tone. You felt like you had done the worst thing imaginable to him, like you’d crushed his entirety to bits and pieces. You hated the way his voice would crack when his messages got particularly forlorn. You would picture the tears dripping off his cheeks and staining his eyes a bloodshot red and wanted to vomit.

The other part of you felt maddened by the guilt that grew when you listened to them. You weren’t the one in the wrong this time. You weren’t the one who hurt two people in the process of figuring out what you wanted, he was, even if it started out unintentionally. You had only been hurting yourself. You had both been stubborn, but he had brought someone else into the situation, and for that, you were angry. Because even though you weren’t together then, knowing he broke it off with a girl who loved him fully to try and finally have you made you feel like the scum of the earth. Camie didn’t deserve that, she may not have liked you but she was only a victim to the same thing you were: love.

It wasn’t til seven months in that you decided to start answering the calls. The first time you had, the way his mood soared made the dull ache in your chest fade. It was still there, the pain, the anger, the frustration with the whole situation, but being away had made it easy to miss the little things about him. Like how he smelled when he enveloped you in his embrace and filled your senses. Like how he would tease you over the littlest things til you got annoyed and he’d giggle like a toddler. Like the way he made you feel even when you were the saddest you’ve ever been.

Hearing his voice every night had become your routine, going to work teaching piano lessons at the local theater, eating a badly cooked ramen dinner, and laying in bed to talk to Bakugou. The conversations slowly went from quiet and filled with little confessions of pain, to laughing at his stories about life back home. You heard all about how he broke his toe with a can of beets and Kaminari wouldn’t take him to the doctors. He told you how he tried to make himself those cookies he loved so much only to nearly burn his kitchen down and make Midoriya try instead.

He would listen to you tell him about the kids you were tutoring and beg to listen to the songs you were producing on the side. He would list all sorts of stupid things he wanted to buy for your ‘lame sounding’ apartment. You would hear the smile in his voice whenever you laughed at his ridiculous suggestions for living room furniture; like a bunch of plush toy grenades like the ones straight from his hero costume.

It was so easy to yearn for him, so simple to hear his voice every night and want to fall back into his arms. You knew that taking your time would be important, the healing couldn’t be rushed or you’d only end up falling back apart in the end. You needed the time to find yourself again without him there beside you clogging your brain. He needed time to completely move on from any feelings he had for Camie, because if you were going to give things a chance, you wanted to be the only one.

You weren’t sure you’d be able to survive getting heartbroken by him twice.

After about eight months, the phone calls didn’t feel like enough. You were starting to heal, starting to let yourself be happy without him there beside you holding you up. You felt like you could breathe again, no longer stuck still in a place of torture. You were feeling like you again and all that was missing was the boy whose late night phone calls had been joined by constant texts throughout your days.

He had realized you needed space after asking to come see you twice and you insisting you weren’t ready, and as hard as it was for him, he tried not to push it. You could tell it bothered him, especially when your birthday came and went and he wasn’t there to celebrate with you. It was hard for him, to watch you grow without him, but he was growing too. He had learned things about himself he didn’t like and regretted decisions he’d made in the past. He was trying to make up for them one by one, all so that when you finally let him back in, he’d never have to leave.

It wasn’t until month ten when the boys had a vacation near you that you decided you were ready to see Bakugou again. You’d been petrified, so so scared that the pain would come thundering back along with the self doubt the second you saw him again. Hearing his voice every night was one thing, but it was easy to make empty promises of wanting and missing through a device. You were terrified you’d made him wait to long, that the love you almost had simmered away with no chance of saving it and you just didn’t know it yet.

The moment you slipped into the hotel lobby and knocked on their room door, those fears had been squelched, his smiling face having thrown the door open and enveloped you in the most bone crushing hug the world had ever seen. It was like the feelings from before came rushing in, but without the bitter aftertaste that left you teary eyed and distraught. It was like waking up for the first time in months without having a nightmare prefacing it.

That night had felt surreal, watching him throughout with the biggest grin. The boys all showered you with love and hugs and Kaminari apologized about eighty times for not telling you about the previous situation sooner. Bakugou was beside you every second he was in the room, his body pulled to yours like a magnet. You could tell he was having a hard time resisting the urge to hold onto you, but it meant a lot he was. You knew he wasn’t one for taking things at a low tempo and you were thankful he was trying not to rush you, even if he was itching to take the next step forward.

When he reluctantly hugged you goodbye at the end of the night, his hands lingered around your middle and his lips hesitantly pressed into your temple, whispering how much he’d missed you and how he couldn’t wait til you came back home. The simple fact that he still wanted you to think of home being where he was made your stomach do a leap, and you found yourself excited to return there as well.

It was nearly a year to the day when you moved back, Bakugou, Kaminari and Shindo all being forced to help you move your things into your new apartment. Bakugou had been so eager to get you back in town he’d been the one who came and toured it, face-timing you the entire time and showing you each and every corner, explaining all the things you could add to make it your own. He was especially happy it was just a few streets away from his own place.

The look on his face when you pulled him aside from the others and asked him to stay for dinner had been the most ecstatic look you’d ever seen. You knew why he was happy and so were you, because you were finally in the place where you were letting yourself feel it, the love you had for him. You didn’t want to hold it back anymore, your body bursting to hold him and touch him and tell him what he meant to you.

You could feel it every second of every day, in every move you made, everything came back to Bakugou. Your Bakugou Katsuki that swore between kisses that night that he’d never hurt you again. Your Bakugou Katsuki that repented for his mistakes and begged your forgiveness for ever being as dumb as he had been. Your Bakugou Katsuki that forgave you for being too scared to come forward because he had been as well, and none of it mattered now.

Another year passed with the season’s changing more each week. Your view from your apartment went from warm reds to subtle greys as the ground covered in white. By the time the snow melted and flowers started to bloom your view had changed from your small apartment, to a place all your own with Bakugou. He made you laugh every day and kissed you when you frowned. He would break into your showers and leave kisses along your spine while he washed away your stress. He took care of you when you were at your lowest and supported your every accomplishment like the proudest boyfriend in the world.

Waking up every morning beside was a gift, because just two years ago you felt like none of it could ever be possible. You had been at your lowest point in your life, the most shattered you had ever felt and depressed beyond belief. You’d almost lost him, you’d almost let the one person you needed slip away. You had come out better from the pain and landed in a dream that you never wanted to wake up from.

Which brought you to now, where your legs were tangled up in the sheets with your sleeping boyfriend, his hair a mess on the pillow and his cheeks smushed against the plush cushion. Your fingers were trailing light paths up and down his bare chest, eyes flickering between every little mole and freckle on his flushed skin. The way his lips curved slightly as he began to stir awake made your own smile spread, eyes drooping shut as you pretended to still be asleep.

You could feel his hands sliding around your waist as he tugged your body into his, legs completely encasing yours like a monkey. The puff of air he let out as he kissed your forehead made your hair flutter off of it, his lips puckering into a gentle kiss on the surface. His kisses trailed up to the top of your head, fingers creeping up under his shirt you’d stolen, before taking his claim on your lower back.

“I know you’re awake.” He whispered against your ear lobe in that raspy morning voice that drove you crazy. His lips brushed your skin as he chuckled into it, heartbeat thumping slowly in his relaxed state. The sun peeking through the windows warmed your bits of exposed skin, the warm patches making the room brighter. Your eyes flicked open as you pouted at him, adjusting so your palms rested against his chest, fingers just barely sliding over his shoulder blades.

“How could you tell?”

“Because I wasn’t asleep and could feel you touching me.” He grinned, laughing lightly at your eye roll and small smack to his chest.

“Don’t make it sound so creepy.”

“I can’t help it you can’t control yourself, I know I’m irresistible.” His laughing made you smack his chest again, trying to frown like you were annoyed. He adjusted the both of you, hands sliding to your hips as he maneuvered onto his back and pulled you on top of him. The sun cast a glow against his cheek at the angle, making your insides twist from how beautiful he looked.

Your hair was longer than it had been before, falling in a messy manner over your shoulders, the shirt you’d taken from him far too large on you and serving more as a dress than anything else. His hands slipped from your hips down to your bare thighs, thumbs rubbing circles into the skin as he held you in place on his lap, your knees bent on the sides. The blanket had pooled around your backside, making goosebumps rise from the sudden burst of cool air hitting your skin.

“You’re so damn beautiful.” The way his voice barely met your ears made your neck feel hot, his eyes soft and squinted slightly as they trailed over every inch of you. His eyebrows furrowed as his smile faded a minute amount, a heavy puff of air coming from his lips as he gripped you tighter. “I can’t believe I almost fucked up so bad I never got this. I was such an idiot.”

“We both messed up.” You clarified and let your fingers play with the waistband of his pitch black sweat pants, snapping them once against his pelvis.

“I messed up worse though. I did stuff that hurt people. I hurt you.”

There were still some days when you could picture him down on his knee proposing to Camie. There were still some nights when he’d be gone late training and the consuming frustration would try to rear it’s head again, but you loved him. You loved him, and he loved you, and you knew he was trying to be as good as he could be for you, to make up for his mistakes.

“It’s in the past Katsu, stop dwelling on it.”

“But I was such an idiot.”

“You’re always an idiot” You rolled your eyes at his persistence, cracking a smile when he started to whine at your statement. His hands found their way to your middle under the shirt, fingers attacking your sides as he sent you into a fit of laughter, your body falling forward onto his chest. In a quick movement he was on top of you, pinning you down with his weight as he continued his tickle assault.

“Take that back, you little brat!” His own voice was laced with laughter as his eyes shrunk into those half moons you so loved, your own eyes watering and spilling over. Your body was squirming underneath him, your legs tangling between his longer ones, blankets twisting around your lower halves.

“I take it back!’ You gasped, tears gliding down your temples from how hard your laughter was, hands desperately gripping his biceps to try and make him stop.

“Now say you love me.”

“I love you! I love you!” Your laughter bellowed out as his hand stopped moving at your side, the other slipping around your neck and behind the pillow as he buried his head into your shoulder. His laughter was contagious, your happiness mixing and filling the air as he rustled so he was held up by his elbows above you. Your laughter died down finally as you locked eyes, his lips softening into a gentle expression.

“Marry me then.”

“What?” You asked, eyes widening as he leaned back to sit up, your own body following suit, crossing your legs as you watched him. Between his fingers sat a simple ring, no fancy diamond, no brightly colored flashy things, just a simple white gold band with a B carved inside.

“Not right now,” He clarified as his hand grabbed for yours, lifting it up to his lips and pressing a kiss to each and every knuckle as he spoke, “but someday, when we’re both ready.”

The earnest look on his features made you melt, nodding as he slipped the delicate ring into its proper home on your finger. He kissed the surface of it, making a silent promise to not lose you this time.

The pair of you had been through every emotion. You’d been through the pain of loving someone that didn’t love you back how you wanted. You’d been through the anguish of feeling the other slipping away. You’d experienced the distance that lingered when you were apart, and now finally you were feeling the bliss of becoming one. And it was indescribable.

“Gosh I hate your hair.” You snorted after a few silent but meaningful moments, reaching forward and twirling a strand of his awful bedhead of spiky, blonde hair around your finger, ignoring how he grumbled over it.

“It’s not my fault, mood killer.” He grumbled, showing a barely noticeable smile to make it obvious he knew you were messing with him. His nose brushed against yours, your finger slipping from his hair and instead trailing over his jaw. His eyes slipped shut as he savored the feeling of you so close to him, your thumb brushing against his bottom lip. “Besides, I think you kinda like it.”

“Hm, maybe.”

“Shut up, I know you do.” He huffed, grinning as his neck craned forward, kissing every freckle or mark on your skin along your neck and cheeks. His heartbeat was slow and steady, mingling with yours when you rested your hand against the side of his throat.

“I love you, baby.” He whispered into a kiss, your bottom lip perfectly tucked between his as he twisted the ring around your finger twice, fingers interlocking in his lap. His lips were soft but sure, positive that this was exactly where he wanted to be; right beside you in your shared bed, in your shared apartment, with the world quiet around you. “Always have, always will.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m sorry I took so long to figure it out.”

The ring on your finger felt like a promise from Bakugou, a promise to never let you go again. A promise that while he hated it had been such a mess to get to this point, he was happy that he ended up with you. A promise that when you were ready, he would ask the four words he hoped you’d say yes to in his heart.

He was ready for when that moment came, the diamond ring in a perfect little velvet box he had hidden in his dresser drawer.

And he knew when you were ready, you’d say yes.

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#bakugou x reader #todoroki x reader #bakugou katsuki #katsuki #todoroki shouto #shouto #todoroki smut #todoroki angst #todoroki fluff #bakugou smut #bakugou fluff #bakugou angst #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #todoroki #bakugou

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

little lion man > 4 (final)

rating: [pg-13 / angst] pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader x todoroki shouto warnings: cursing, lots of yummy angst >:)) word count: 3k

listen while you read here!

join the discord!

ch.1 + ch.2 + ch.3 + ch.4 (final) + alt. ending

It was terrifying how much could change in a year. To think that just a few short weeks could change everything about you was daunting, but true. When you had left life felt like torture, like everywhere you looked there was something waiting to mock you. You were broken, your heart all but ashes when you boarded the first flight away, but you knew it was what you needed to do. You needed time away from it all to figure out what you wanted, to figure out who you were without all of the things you’d grown so used to. It was hard, leaving it all behind, like you just gave away a piece of yourself with no plans of ever getting it back.

Loving Bakugou Katsuki was hard, but letting that love go, was harder.

The first month you’d spent crying in the hole in the wall apartment you’d rented far away from all your problems and people you knew. You were constantly in the shabby bed, eyes bloodshot and nose stopped up. You’d find yourself looking through photos of Bakugou online, like a bizarre form of torture designed to make you feel worse. Every time you looked at them the tug in your chest was stronger, the pain too fresh in your mind to process anything else. You spoke to next to no one, only telling Todoroki where you were and your family. Bakugou had tried to call once or twice, but you didn’t answer. You’d just listened to the voicemails filled with apologies and constant mumbles about how much he missed you.

The second month was spent filled with anger and resentment at Bakugou for letting his own confusion hurt you and Camie. You were angry at Kaminari for not telling you what he knew sooner, for not trying to talk some sense into your best friend. You were angry at Bakugou for never quite putting your emotions first, only thinking of himself and what he wanted. You were angry at him for not realizing he’d been hurting you so badly to the point that everything felt like pain. Angry with him for not telling you sooner how he felt, and angry at yourself for the exact same reasons.

The anger made you crazy, useless things being tossed at walls and smashing when you drank a bit too much. The pictures of him on your phone had started making your blood boil rather than making your mood plummet, so you stopped looking. It had all been coming out, the pain, the frustration, all the pent up emotions that were once locked away for so long. It felt good, it felt liberating, it felt like you were starting to be okay again without the pain clogging up your pores.

The third month was spent starting to like yourself again. You were learning that you were special and worthy of love, that you were worth working on. You started tutoring kids in piano to make some extra cash, earning a short internship at a production company to help work on songs. You started to eat better and cry less and the pain in your chest was slowly reducing away. Todoroki had come to see you, he’d brought flowers that sat on your coffee table till all the petals fell off.

Bakugou had called you, and that time you answered. The conversation wasn’t long, his voice was quiet like he was scared of making you upset. He apologized for all the pain he’d caused you, and hearing his voice made your heart soar, even if just for a few moments. You still loved him, three months later you did, it was easier to with the pain not so fresh in your mind and the things reminding you of it miles away. You forgave him, for all of it, desperate to not feel the pull of that baggage on your limbs anymore.

The fourth month was when your family forwarded you the invitation to Bakugou’s wedding.

The tiny envelope covered in a delicate pink rose design made you feel like you were back in month one, broken, full of tears, lost. It hurt to see he’d made his choice and it wasn’t you, but somewhere in the depths of your mind you knew it was what was best. You loved him, you would always love him. You would always love how his eyes wrinkled up when he laughed and how loud and boisterous he got when he was happy. You’d always love how warm he felt when he hugged you and you would always remember the feeling of his lips whispering I love you into your ear.

You would always think of him when you made his favorite cookies and could smell them in the oven. You would always think of him when you heard his favorite song fluttering over the speakers of your radio. You’d always be remembered of how deeply your love for him had dug inside you and left a hole so big it almost ruined you.

You were both victims of your fear, too scared to take that step when you should have. It was too late to give it a try because his heart had moved on. He’d never truly loved you how he loved Camie, and while it broke you, it was the punch in your gut that made the decision final in your mind. It was the last push to make you let go of the bit of his heart you were so desperately clinging onto. Bakugou wasn’t yours, and he never would be, as badly as you had wanted him to.

Month five was when you decided that Bakugou Katsuki didn’t own your heart anymore. It was when you decided you weren’t going to cry over him, not ever again. He broke your heart and you broke his, and that would always be something you carried with you. The tears weren’t going to be, however, you refused. Todoroki invited you to be his date to the wedding, but you turned him down. You weren’t ready and he understood. He showed up the night after the event and you baked a cake together. His gentle voice and stone faced jokes kept your mind from self combusting and for that you were thankful.

During month six you kept yourself so busy with the work at your internship and the tutoring lessons that you found yourself barely thinking of Bakugou. You’d feel the smallest twinge of pain when you saw his face on your tv screen, being applauded for saving innocent people, but it didn’t hurt as bad. You talked to Todoroki every night on the phone, him telling you all about the new puppy he had gotten and laughing when you suggested stupid names for it.

When he’d offered to send you pictures from the wedding, you said yes. It hadn’t hurt as much as you expected to see him all dressed up beside Camie in a dazzling white dress. She looked gorgeous, and he looked so happy beside her. That ring you found in his dresser drawer that had felt like the end of the world still perched on her finger, a perfect golden band to match it on Bakugou’s. The pain was still simmering in your stomach, but the bitterness was fading. You had found yourself showing the smallest smile at the photo, and sent Bakugou a small message of congratulations. Camie thanked you when you sent her the recipe for his favorite cookies, and it felt like a peace offering. Like you were closing a chapter on a sad book you didn’t want to reread.

You didn’t ever really hate Camie, you envied her for everything she had you didn’t, but being away made you realize how stupid that had been. At the end of the day she just fell in love with Bakugou for the same reason you had, because he was so incredibly him that you just couldn’t help it. She loved him, and you knew if you weren’t going to have him be the one for you, you were glad that someone who cared for him truly, would.

By month seven, Bakugou was speaking to you more regularly again, the best friend who’d been so scared of losing you had been making an effort not to. Your heart wasn’t sore in your chest anymore, you hadn’t cried in two months and the smiles on your face were slowly becoming normal again. Todoroki came to see you more often, always bringing little gifts and snacks and flowers to decorate the shabby apartment with. He even brought the puppy over he wouldn’t let you name, but insisted you’d name the next one together.

He’d asked you out on a date that month.

And you said yes.

Months eight and nine were filled with phone calls from Todoroki and feelings of your heart starting to beat again how it used to. You were feeling like you again, but a better version. A version of you that knew life was too short to be scared, too short to let your last experience of love ruin it for you forever. You refused to make that same mistake a second time. So when Todoroki gave you his favorite sweater to keep and told you how beautiful you looked in it, you kissed him and asked to be his girlfriend.

And with the faintest blush, he said yes.

Month ten was spent finding a new apartment back in the city. Back where you’d run away from, but when you returned the troubles weren’t so bad. You no longer felt disheartened when you saw all the places your old memories were, because your heart felt like it was healed. Were there still bandages covering the cracks in it? Of course, but they made you who you were, and Todoroki had all but paint them with red so they were hardly noticeable anymore.

During month eleven you moved in and got a full time job producing, the kind of job you’d always dreamt of having, but never thought you’d reach. Bakugou and you had lunch every Thursday afternoon, and after the first ten minutes the awkwardness had melted away. Loving him hadn’t been a mistake. It was something you didn’t regret anymore, because it had changed you, forever. It changed you in a way you’d never reverse back, a way that moulded a part of you into permanence.

Which brought you to now, month twelve, where you were sat in front of your vanity in a silky black dress, your eyes boring into your reflection and taking in the little differences from where you were a year before. Your hair was longer, your eyes were brighter, and your smile didn’t looked as strained. Your room was new and no longer was your place to cry, but instead the place you watched movies with your boyfriend and stayed up late into the night talking about everything and nothing. There were days still when you didn’t feel confident but they were coming less and less often, and you were thankful for it.

“You okay?”

Todoroki’s voice made your eyes flutter up from where they’d been staring off into nothingness, his approaching figure visible in the mirror’s reflection. He looked handsome in his dress shirt and pants, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a skinny tie around his neck, undone.

“Yeah, just thinking.” You smiled up at him, swiveling around on your stool and looking up at him, your toes wiggling against the carpet under your dress. They were painted a light orange color you’d talked Todoroki into letting you paint on his thumb nail.

“About what?”

“Life.” You laughed, rising to your feet and stepping closer to him. Your fingers grabbed onto his tie, staring at it while he stared at you. You tied it effortlessly, patting his chest once it was finished and letting your eyes focus up on his, “About how much can change so fast.”

“That sounds ominous.” He said, his face stoic as usual as his hand lifted up, pushing your hair away from your face. “Not planning on leaving me are you?”

“Of course not, don’t be silly.” You laughed quietly, arms slipping around his shoulders, his arms finding their way around your middle. He held you in a way that felt secure, like he wouldn’t let anything in the world ever hurt you again. “I have to keep you around at least a few months.”

The grin on your face made him roll his eyes, your bursting out laughter making him crack a smile himself, his hand reaching up to flick your bunched up cheek. It felt dream like, having him holding you, having someone you had feelings for have them back.

“We should get going or we’re going to be late.” His voice was laced with a smile as he let you go, reaching past you to grab his keys off the dresser while you whined.

“But I don’t wanna go. Can’t we just stay here and watch movies? I’ll even cook dinner.” You pouted at him, grabbing onto his arm like a toddler who wasn’t getting their way. He didn’t miss a beat, his arm pulling from your grasp and smoothly skimming around your waist as he tugged you from the room.

“You can’t not go to your own birthday dinner.”

You grumbled at his logic, body relaxing against his side as he led you over to the couch. You leaned your backside into the back of it, watching as he disappeared to the front door for a moment, before reappearing with your heels. He easily bent down onto his knee in front of you, grabbing your ankle and slipping on your shoe for you, face even and relaxed.

The flutters in your stomach seeing him knelt down on one knee felt so different than they had when you saw Bakugou do the very same thing. When Bakugou had done it, it felt like the most painful moment of your entire life, but seeing Todoroki in the same position, even if it was for a different reason, made your lips raise up on the ends with the possibilities of the future.

He wasn’t your second choice, he wasn’t your backup since Bakugou hadn’t worked out, and you made sure he knew that. Bakugou was tsunami that had hit you all at once and washed away any sense of sanity. The love all consuming and dangerous to the point you felt like you couldn’t breathe right anymore. With Todoroki it was different. It was like a warm fire spreading through your limbs, like a cool breeze filling your senses every time he slid his hand in yours. Your feelings for him grew like a sunflower towering over everything else in the garden, and he was the one coming to water and care for it every day. He felt secure, he felt content, he felt right.

You weren’t in love with him, not yet, and you still harbored fear at idea of giving yourself like that to someone ever again. But Todoroki didn’t rush you, he never pressured you now, just like he never had before. He knew that though you were put back together, parts of you were still fragile, and he wasn’t intending on letting them get broken ever again.

Not while he was around.

“What’s with that look?”

“What look?”

“The one on your face right now.” Todoroki quipped, his body moving to stand upright in front of you again, fingers brushing your hips as he pulled you forward. His left hand moved more firmly to grip your hip, muscles flexing beneath the thin dress shirt’s fabric. His right hand raised and rested against the side of your neck, thumb brushing along your jaw as you tilted your head back to look up at him properly.

“I’m just happy.” You said quietly, smiling up at him as a faint, wistful smile spread on his own plump lips. Your body pressed into his, palms resting on his chest and memorizing the rhythm of his heartbeat. “Thank you.”

His neck craned down, forehead pressing into yours as his lips ghosted against yours before he spoke again.

“For what?”

“For being patient and not giving up on me.”

His smile was faint as he leaned in and pressed a firm kiss against your lips. It was gentle and soft but so full of emotions you didn’t understand completely yet. He was everywhere you looked but when you saw him it filled you with calm instead of sadness. You could feel him in your veins but he was spreading joy through them. He was in your brain sorting out and discarding all the bad thoughts and feelings you’d ever felt. He was in your lungs breathing oxygen into your system, and in your chest building a safety net beneath your heart to capture any chipped off pieces and put them back in place.

You wanted to memorize everything about him, from the way his cheeks bunched up and looked so full when he smiled, to the way he always watched you when you were getting ready in the morning. You never wanted to forget how good his arms felt around you or how quickly he could make your heart beat. He was pulling away the insecurities you had built up a year ago and replacing them with love, a love that though scary, was blooming in your chest more and more each passing day.

It was terrifying, giving yourself over to someone when the last time you’d tried it ended so horribly and damaged you so much. Bakugou would always be your first love even if you never got to experience it how you’d dreamed of. Maybe you’d always feel him in your chest when you smelled his cologne and maybe you’d always care if he was happy, but your heart didn’t belong to him anymore. It belonged to you, and you were slowly beginning to give away pieces to the boy holding you in his arms.

The way his lips moved to press into yours once more had your eyes fluttering shut, his lips then travelling up to your nose, then between your eyebrows, before finally landing on your forehead, lingering there for a moment. Your eyes remained closed as you exhaled a content sigh, letting yourself feel him in every part of you as he whispered into your skin.

“You were worth waiting for.”

And you believed him.

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#bakugou x reader #todoroki x reader #katsuki #bakugou #shouto #todoroki #todoroki angst #todoroki smut #todoroki fluff #bakugou smut #bakugou fluff #bakugou angst #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

little lion man > 3

rating: [pg-13 / angst] pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader x todoroki shouto warnings: cursing, lots of yummy angst >:)) word count: 8.7k listen while you read here!

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ch.1 + ch.2 + ch.3 + ch.4 (final) + alt. ending

Having a secret for so long that suddenly becomes public was uncomfortable and dread inducing. A part of you you’d kept locked away from prying eyes for years had not only been thrown into the spotlight, but shown to the one person you hadn’t wanted to see it. You felt naked, you hadn’t been ready to let the world know you were completely in love with Bakugou Katsuki, but at the same time, you couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. The weight of keeping it hidden was gone off your shoulders but they still remained sagged from the pain in your chest.

He knew you loved him even if you hadn’t said the words, he had to know. Why else would you have had that reaction to him proposing to another girl? You could still see the pained look on his face when he’d seen you crying, a wave of guilt washing over you.

It wasn’t Bakugou’s fault he had hurt you, it was yours. You had never told him you loved him. You had never made a move to let him know that you wanted to be more than friends. Just because in your head it’d seemed obvious, didn’t mean it was to him. You had been scared, scared of the rejection and the pain you would feel if your friendship was ruined. You never let yourself risk anything more because what you had was important to begin with.

He hadn’t known he was tearing you apart by giving you every detail of his relationship. He hadn’t known that all the touches he gave you meant so much, nor did he know that every second you saw them together was like torture. You were so in pain just knowing they were dating, let alone now that they were engaged, but in the aftermath you’d been realizing that the blame wasn’t on him. It was on you.

You did this to yourself, and you were now dragging everyone else down with you.

Your body curled deeper into the blankets around you, bloodshot eyes half closed as your focus remained out the window. The curtains were drawn back so the sun could shine through, it warming the skin of your bare thigh the blanket had fallen off of. The bathroom door opening quietly behind you didn’t make you stir, figure un-moving as your cheek squished against the pillow.

His feet were quiet behind you as he moved towards his dresser, your fingers picking at the soft blanket surrounding your stomach and chest. The silence felt comfortable, your eyes sore from the consistent crying the past few nights. The bed dipped beside your head, your body lulling onto its back and your vision focusing up on Todoroki.

He was staring at you with a blank expression, his hand resting on your shoulder. His thumb moved in soft back and forth motions over the tense muscles and you felt yourself relaxing enough to close your eyes when he spoke.

“Are you alright?” His voice sounded gentle, calming even, as his bare torso shifted, his back resting against the headboard. His light grey joggers felt soft when his knee brushed against your forearm from how he had them folded.

“No.” You laughed quietly, opening your eyes back up to look at him, a small smile on his own face, though his eyes showed worry. You were thankful he didn’t stare at you like you were pitiful, despite that being exactly how you felt. You felt pitiful and sad and broken, like all you wanted to do was sleep but your nerves were too strung out to relax.

“You know you can’t just hide out in my apartment forever.” He spoke quietly, hand moving from your shoulder and instead shifting up to your hair, brushing it off your forehead. “I like having you here, but eventually you’re going to have to do something. You can’t avoid him forever.”

You nodded, turning your head to the side to look out the window again, his fingers still lightly combing through your hair. You knew he was right, you’d been holed up in his apartment for days and doing little more besides crying and showering. Five days had passed since Bakugou proposed and you fell apart, and those five days were spent self destructing.

You’d been avoiding everyone besides Todoroki, only once responding to Kaminari when he wouldn’t quit asking him if you were okay. You mostly stayed in bed, balled up in the sheets and thinking about all the wrong decisions you’d made to get yourself to this point.

Bakugou had called you that night, fifty-two times to be exact. Every time the voicemail came up he’d hung up and called again, for hours. You didn’t answer once, nor did you respond to his texts begging you to please come talk to him or to let him know where you were. You couldn’t face him, not now. Not now that there was no way he didn’t know you were completely in love with him.

The thought made you grow anxious, you weren’t even sure what to do. You couldn’t be in your own apartment, there were too many taunting memories. Todoroki had been there beside you helping you through it all but you felt guilty, like you were driving a wedge between himself and Bakugou. It wasn’t hard to see that the pair weren’t happy with each other that night he proposed. Todoroki had looked like he wanted to knock his teeth out then and there in the parking lot.

“Are you trying to kick me out?” You joked quietly, his soft laughter resonating in your ear as you turned your head back up towards him. His large hands came up to cup your cheeks, though they were upside down. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to your forehead, before flicking it right in the middle with his knuckle.

“Of course, not. Don’t be stupid.” He chided. The corners of his lips were turned upwards as his hands slipped off your face and he moved to stand, tugging on his shirt he’d sat on the nightstand previously. “Though you are an awful roommate, haven’t cooked me dinner once.”

His joking tone made it easy to laugh, your eyes rolling as you pushed yourself upright in bed, his eyes wandering over you quickly. You had been stealing his clothes all week, you hadn’t gone back to your place and you definitely couldn’t sleep and wallow in self pity in that horrible dress. You were wearing one of Todoroki’s old t-shirts and a pair of old boxer briefs that served as your shorts.

“You love cooking, I was doing you a favor, really.” You argued, tilting your head to the side, rolling it around on your shoulders to try and stretch out the strained muscles. Here in Todoroki’s bed felt like a safe haven, no one could see you cry here. No one would remind you of the bad decisions you’d made to make you cry, either. Todoroki never pressured you to talk, and when you did start to vent he was a willing ear there to listen and comfort you. You couldn’t help but think he deserved better than this.

“Sure.” Todoroki rolled his eyes as he stretched, sliding a sweatshirt over his chest and tugging it down as he focused on you. “I have to go to train, okay? If you need me call me, I’ll answer.”

You nodded and gave him a small, lackluster smile as he sighed, but left, the sound of the door shutting ringing in your ears a few minutes later. You exhaled loudly, fingers drumming into the mattress below you as you took a glance over at your phone. The temptation to call Bakugou was high, fingers practically itching to dial the numbers. The moment you were alone you wanted nothing more than to hear his playful insults and feel his warmth against your skin.

You missed him, you missed him so damn much even though thinking of him made you want to break down again. You wanted to know how he was and if he was okay and if he hated you now. You wanted to know if he was thinking of you as much as you were thinking of him. You wanted to call him and say you were sorry for making him be in this situation but all you could do was sit and stare at the device beside you. Calling him would do more damage than good and you knew that, but it didn’t make your natural pull towards him just go away.

Your fist rubbed away the stray tear that slid against the side of your nose as you rose to your feet, shuffling over to peek out the window. It was warm inside but outside was frigid, the sun covered by clouds and casting a grey shadow over every surface. Your fingers skimmed along the window pane, puffing out a breathe of air that fogged against the glass.

Todoroki was right, you needed to do something, something that would help you begin moving on and putting the pieces of yourself back together. You couldn’t even think straight anymore, it felt like chunks of the puzzle were missing but you had no idea where to find them. Your heart still felt achy and your muscles were still weak. You felt like a minimized version of yourself that wasn’t working properly.

You noticed Todoroki’s apartment key sitting on dresser by the door when you turned your head, eyes rolling as you slid it onto your palm. You stared at the metal for a moment before, as if on que, hearing a knock on the front door. You laughed softly, a teasing smile on your lips as you walked up to the door, throwing it open.

“See, aren’t you glad I’m here n-”

Your words were cut off when you realized it wasn’t Todoroki in front of you.

It was Camie.

She looked beautiful as ever despite the dark circles under her eyes, a jacket wrapped tightly around her petite form. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise at your lack of long pants and a shirt that very obviously belonged to Todoroki. You self consciously tugged the shirt down more, it covering your shorts as you swallowed the nervous feeling bubbling up in your own stomach.

Why was she here? How had she known where you were? Was she here to tell you to stay away? Maybe she wanted to punch you for ruining her birthday dinner.

“What are you doing here?” Your voice came across meek, your fingers curling into your palms as you tried to appear stronger than you felt, your mind exploding with the possibilities of what she could want. You weren’t sure Camie liked you much to begin with but after ruining her birthday party and causing a huge scene right after she’d gotten engaged, you doubted you were her favorite person. You bit down hard on your bottom lip, crossing one leg over her other as you cleared your throat “How did you know I was here?”

You could feel the resentment in your gut as you looked at her, the girl who’d gotten what you wanted. Your body felt strung out, like she wasn’t really there and you were just hallucinating from your lack of sleep. You’d been picturing her in a wedding dress so much the past few days you really wouldn’t have been surprised if it was just in your head.

“I got Kaminari to tell me.” Her voice was, as usual, soft and polite as she hesitantly took a step forward, your body sluggishly moving aside so she could come in. The door clicked with the force of your palm, her body moving over to the sofa and taking a seat. Your heart was pounding away in your chest as you slowly walked over, but took a seat on the chair furthest from her, when she spoke again. “I needed to talk to you.”

“Talk about what?” You questioned, crossing your legs over each other and folding your hands on your lap in an attempt to stop looking as tense as you felt. You’d never been alone with Camie before, you’d barely even spoken to her really, and yet here she was across from you wanting to talk about something that was making her usual soft exterior look hard and tired despite her even voice. “If this is about your birthday…”

“About you.” She cut you off and you shifted uncomfortably, silently wishing it had been Todoroki at the door, “There’s a lot that’s gone on you don’t know about and I think you need to.”

Something about her matter of fact octave made you narrow your eyes at her. She sounded like she had all the answers and you were confused as to why. Did she know something you didn’t? Did she even know that you had all but told Bakugou you’re in love with him? Why would she want to help you with information when you’d ruined her night just days ago?

“What are you talking about?” Your heart was pounding at an alarming rate as your mind wandered all the possibilities. Her demeanor made the room feel ominous, like a dark cloud was looming over you just waiting for a the right moment to pour out the rain.

“We’d been going out for about a month when Kaminari told me.” Camie said cryptically and looked away from you, instead staring at the dark colored wall, her fingertip dragging back and forth over the faux leather sofa. She came across forced, like she didn’t want the actual words to come out of her perfectly painted red lips.

“Kaminari told you what?” You questioned, face scrunching up, baffled, your teeth biting down on your bottom lip, the flesh tender from doing it so much lately.

“That Bakugou was using me to make you jealous.” She said it like it didn’t bother her in the slightest but you could see the flash of pain in her eyes. Your lip slipped out from under your teeth’s grip, lungs tightening as the words processed.

“What?”

“That he was using me to make you jealous.” She repeated, turning her gaze to look at you again, her lips parting as she let out a heavy sigh before speaking again, “That Bakugou was in love with you.”

The room felt like it was flipped upside down, your heart slamming against your rib cage as you looked down at your knees, confused and unsure of what to do with this information. Was it even true? Why would Kaminari have told her that if it wasn’t?

“I think he took pity on me, seeing that I was starting to really like Bakugou. He didn’t want me to get hurt because of Bakugou’s irrationality. I think he’d assumed I’d break up with him, but I didn’t. I wanted him.” Camie explained, her hands lifting up to brush her curtained bangs away from her face. She looked wounded, as if this was something she hadn’t ever wanted to say out loud, “I was falling in love with him and I was sure I could make him love me too.”

“In retrospect I knew it was a bad decision. Even when he started to grow deeper feelings for me, I couldn’t trust that you weren’t still in the back of his mind. He was falling in love with me like I’d wanted but I never let him get over you.” She continued, edging forward in her seat so her toes could reach the ground, shoes tapping lightly into the dark wooden floors. “I almost thought I’d won him over, and then we went over to your place for dinner and I just knew.”

The way her voice wavered at the end made a feeling of irrational guilt spread in your stomach. He’d gotten so quickly into Camie that it was baffling he’d even had time to develop feelings for you, but her earnest voice was making it all seem so true. A bitter escaped her as she shook her head lazily.

“I knew as soon as he hugged you, the way he was gripping onto you so desperately. How he practically forgot I was there when he’d tried to get you to sit with him. That whole night he complained about how touchy Todoroki was with you. He’s not the best at hiding his feelings when he’s annoyed.” She mumbled the last bit as she folded her arms across her chest, growing quiet.

The sounds of your quiet breathing was the only audible sound, the air feeling thick around you. Your eyes were on her delicate features as she stared down at her lap, her sunshine yellow coat clashing with her dimly colored surroundings. She looked defeated, like she’d been trying to convince herself she was wrong about everything going on around her.

Maybe you hadn’t been the only one Bakugou was unintentionally hurting.

Your mind was reeling with too much information being pumped into it. You’d barely begun getting back to functioning again and now you were sent right back into the haze that is Bakugou. Your eyes shifted up to Camie’s face, her eyes now on you.

“I hated you, I hated you so much for a long time because I couldn’t get his attention how you did. I was so jealous every time you guys were alone. I would say such shitty things about you and he’d get so mad, it drove me nuts. I did everything I was supposed to do, everything he loved. I finally got his heart, and yet you’re still the one he went running after.”

“Why are you telling me this?’ You mumbled, picking at your thumb nail aimlessly as you stared back at her. You never tried to push a wedge into their relationship, but had you unintentionally? This entire time you’d been envious of her when she was insecure about you, and that was perplexing.

“Because I know you love him, I’ve known since I met you. Best friends don’t look at each other how you look at him. I love Bakugou, but I don’t want to be his second choice. I think he cares about me too, I know he does, he loves me. Just lately he seems confused, like he’s not sure what he’s feeling. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t think he’s still harboring feelings for you, though.” Camie sighed, pausing as her hands slipped onto the sofa and gripped the edge of it. “The way he looked after you left crying the other night…I’ve never seen him that upset before.”

“Is he okay?” You asked before you could think, the words blurting out like a reflex, your body sorrowful with the thought of being the one making him upset. Part of you felt frustrated with him, if he had loved you why had he never said anything? Then again, neither had you.

“I wouldn’t know, he hasn’t been home in days.”

“What?” You asked, eyes widening and your body straightening up. She looked tired, physically and emotionally, like she’d been struggling to hold herself together and you were sure you looked very similar. The entirety of time you’d known of Camie you’d been envious of everything she had and everything she was. She seemed like she’d had everything all together, but now, alone and in front of you, she looked broken. Broken because she wasn’t sure the man she loved loved her quite as much.

“He won’t answer my calls, he hasn’t been back to his apartment, I can’t find him. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.” Camie said simply, body moving upright. Her diamond ring sparkled as she lifted her hands up to tighten her jacket around her slim waist, making your stomach twist uncomfortably. This was all too much to take in. “I should get going, I have class.”

Your body stayed frozen for a moment as she walked herself to the door, her heels clicking against the wood. She paused once she gripped the door handle and turned to look at you, a sad smile on her lips as she spoke.

“None of us can do this forever. I know you care about him, so figure out what you want to do.”

With that, she was gone, the door closing behind her and enveloping you in an uncomfortable, stuffy silence. Your palms pressed together as you bowed your head towards the ground, pulling your legs up and against your chest.

You thought back to all of your memories with Bakugou and swallowed the lump forming in your throat. You had so many questions and basically no answers for them. Had all the guys known he had feelings for you? Did they all know you did for him now? Had he really asked Camie out to try and make you jealous?

Bakugou wasn’t the type to willingly hurt people, so you could imagine even if it started out of a not so good motive, he’d developed feelings for her rather quickly, otherwise he would have broken it off. It was obvious he loved her, as obvious as it seemed to be to Camie that he cared for you. You could see it when they were together that she obviously made him happy, so why was Camie acting like she had lost a fight? Could it be possible he really harbored feelings for you both?

It all felt surreal, like the plot to a movie you’d surely hate, with a love triangle that left everyone upset and broken inside. From Camie’s perspective you’d be the villain, the girl who showed up and threw a wrench in her perfect relationship. Only that perfect relationship had apparently been built on a lie and you were just now finding out about it.

You groaned and flopped back on the sofa, folding your arms across your face and inhaling sharply. You wished you were miles away in a little cottage with no troubles on your mind besides deciding what you’d have for dinner. You willed your feelings to just go away so you’d not have to worry about what to do now. What were you even supposed to do now. You squeezed your eyes closed, chest feeling shallow, like your lungs had caved in. You didn’t know how you ended up here, but you knew you needed answers.

You needed to know if what Camie was saying was true.

Your fist rapped on the door to the training room, hair pulled back into a messy bun and nerves brewing up in your veins. You peeked through the glass, counting seven heads inside and breathing a sigh of relief when none of them looked like Bakugou. Camie hadn’t been lying about him being MIA, evidently.

Midoriya answered the door after the background music cut off, a smile making his cheeks bunch up as he opened the door wider realizing it was you. “Hey, come in.”

The room felt hot, the boys all panting and getting drinks of water during their short break. Tsuyu was curled up in the corner by Tokoyami, watching something on a phone that had them both giggling. Kirishima was stood beside Shindo as they talked about some special offensive move, both of them too in their heads to notice you. Todoroki had however, his hair covered by a ball cap and his sweatshirt from earlier folded neatly by the side of the room as he quickly made his way over to you.

“You okay?” He questioned, eyebrows raised slightly, surprised to see you here considering this morning you didn’t even wanna leave his bed. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his joggers, tilting his head backwards some to see you better under the bill of his cap.

“I need to talk to you, and Kaminari.” You explained mutely, stepping a bit closer to him as you could feel eyes on the pair of you. It wasn’t silly as to why some of them would be starring, you’d been spending a lot of time with Todoroki lately. Not to mention you were still wearing one of his shirts, just now it was paired with an old pair of basketball shorts. It didn’t exactly send a look of friendship as much as relationship. “It’s important.”

Todoroki bobbed his head in a yes, his hand landing on your elbow as he called Kaminari’s name, the tall boy rushing over and smiling widely at you. His arms looped around your middle, picking you up off the ground til just the tips of your shoes were touching, the hug tight and crushing but incredibly comforting. You found yourself laughing faintly, shaking your head as he placed you back on your heels. It made your anxiety lessen just a bit, Todoroki nodding for the pair of you to move over to the corner of the room with him.

You sat cross legged beside Todoroki on the bench against the wall, Kaminari’s long legs spread out in a v shape on the floor in front of you as you took a shaky breathe, not sure where to start. Your mind was still a jumbled mess, so you blurted out the first thing that popped up in your brain.

“Did Bakugou have feelings for me?”

Both of them remained tight lipped at your question, Todoroki stilling beside you, while Kaminari’s eyes flickered everywhere around the room but to yours. You weren’t sure if it was because he didn’t want to tell you no or if he didn’t want to tell you something you weren’t supposed to know. Todoroki cleared his throat finally and maneuvered his muscular arms across his chest, speaking quietly.

“He did. Before he started dating Camie.”

Kaminari looked up at you finally, his eyes full of guilt as he squeezed his hands together, nodding in agreement. He looked somber, the emotion looking wrong on his usually cheerful exterior.

“When he asked her out he thought it would make you jealous, he was too chicken to just tell you he liked you.” Kaminari sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, “I told him it was a bad idea but he didn’t listen to me. I tried to tell Camie what was going on but she didn’t seem phased. I thought maybe she’d break up with him, but clearly she didn’t.”

You nodded languidly as you leaned back into the arm of the couch, Todoroki’s hand hesitantly resting on your knee and giving it a benevolent squeeze. You looked over to see him nibbling on his bottom lip, before looking back at Kaminari.

“He started to like her after a few months, he fell in love with her and I guess we all thought he’d gotten over you, but then at your house a few weeks ago… When I walked in on you two in the kitchen, seeing him all desperate to get you to talk to him, I figured out he was starting to feel something for you again, or those emotions never completely went away.”

“He’s an idiot.” Todoroki grumbled and brushed his thumb over your knee absent mindedly “He shouldn’t have asked someone else out if he still had feelings for you. He’s not just hurting you, but he’s hurting her as well.”

He had an edge to his voice you hadn’t heard before, your hand landing on his and giving it a light pat. He looked over at you, sighing and using his thumb and index finger from his free hand to rub at his eyes.

“He’s really been confused about what he wants, and it’s not fair to any of you, but I know he cares about you both. He won’t talk to any of us, and I think it’s just because he’s not sure what to do. Him and Todoroki about got in a fist fight yesterday.” Kaminari said, Todoroki narrowing his eyes at him, apparently not wanting him to share that information.

“What?” You questioned, turning your body towards Todoroki, who was now avoiding looking at you. “You got in a fight?”

“He came to practice trying to get someone to tell him where you are. I knew you didn’t want to see him so I didn’t tell him. You’ll talk to him when you’re ready.” Todoroki explained, shrugging his shoulders “He wouldn’t back off. I’m tired of him making you feel like shit, he’s being selfish. He can’t just drag the both of you along, on purpose or not.”

You rubbed at your eyes with the heels of your palms, Kaminari sighing heavily and reaching forward to pat your leg. You looked at him through your fingers and he frowned, running his free hand through his messy hair, his forehead shiny with sweat.

“I’m sorry, he made me swear I wouldn’t tell you about it when he came up with the plan in the first place.” He was drumming his fingers against the light wood flooring, “I tried to get him to just talk to you about things, but you know how stubborn he can be. He was scared he’d lose you.

You just nodded, staring at your lap and letting your mind wander. You wanted to cry again but for completely different reasons than you had been lately. It was all too much, too much to think about and too much to fuck up your already unstable emotions. Everywhere you looked there was a reminder that your life was falling to pieces and no one could help you fix it.

Everything felt too quiet, most of the boys had stopped their chattering and were now watching the three of you, which made your neck feel hot. You stood, brushing Todoroki’s hand off your knee as you did so, his duo-coloured eyes watching you move.

“I gotta go.” You said quickly, making a move towards the door, Todoroki’s loud sigh audible behind you but you didn’t stop, giving a quick wave to everyone before slipping out, shutting the door behind you.

The air felt cold against your arms as you walked, regretting not taking one of his jackets before you’d left Todoroki’s place. You wanted to scream. You wanted to scream so loud your lungs would give out and you’d be left with no thoughts in your head. You were so lost and conflicted and tired, so so tired that you just wanted to sleep.

You needed to get away, from all of this. You needed a break to sort out all the things clogging up your head. You hated being away from everyone, but you needed to be. You needed to be alone with just yourself and your thoughts and your mind.

The idea of just grabbing your passport and leaving on a whim made your stomach churn with nerves. Could you really do that? Could you really just pack up your things and leave? Could you let go of everything holding you here and have time to figure things out? Maybe that was exactly what you needed; distance from reality.

Your limbs felt heavy, dragging you so your body walked at half speed towards your apartment door. It looked menacing, leering at you and taunting you of what laid behind it. All the pictures and memories you were trying so hard to tuck away and never pull out again, they were waiting just beyond the wooden surface. You inhaled sharply as you paused just outside, before letting your hand land on the brass knob, turning it, and slipping inside.

Everything seemed normal, like your world hadn’t exploded just a few days before. The walls were still covered in the old photos, your piano still sat in the corner by the big windows, everything felt still and silent. Your shoes made a dull thud as you slipped them off by the door, walking further into your apartment, desperate for a long bath to think.

Your bedroom was quiet, the curtains drawn almost shut, light coming from the small lamp on your bedside table. One of the blankets had been tossed on the floor, landing in a heap beside the foot of the bed, your closet doors open and a few boxes knocked over inside. Then, in the middle of the bed with a pillow against his chest and his eyes closed, was Bakugou.

His hair was a complete mess, parts of it sticking up and fanning over the pillow, parts of it sticking down near his eyes. His lips were open, breathing slow and his chest rising and falling in rhythm. His eyes were puffy and red rimmed, his fingers digging into your pillow he had hugged against his middle. He must have used his key to get in, one you gave him for emergencies, which he apparently decided this was.

You gradually moved further into the room, walking silently towards the bed, where he had just mumbled and rolled onto his back, his arms and legs spread out like a starfish. You hated the way it made your lips curl up at the ends, your heart slowing in your chest as you watched him. It was infuriating how he could simultaneously break your heart and make it pound all at the same time.

Part of you wanted to let him sleep forever, just peaceful and in your bed where nothing could make the calm look on his face twist to one of pain or sadness, but a larger part of you needed to talk to him. You’d been avoiding it but you knew that you did, you couldn’t avoid it forever, even if that was tempting. Whatever this was, it couldn’t stay like this, it wasn’t fair to any of you.

Your body lazily shifted to the head of the bed, sitting down beside his shoulder as you watched him hug the pillow tighter. Your fingers reached out, pushing his hair off his face, making him stir and scrunch his face up.

“Katsu.” You whispered, not wanting to startle him, fingertips feeling burned as you skimmed the skin of his arm. You bit down on your bottom lip, giving his shoulder a light shake. “Bakugou, wake up.”

His eyes fluttered open, looking glazed over and dazed as he tried to see in the dimly lit room, his hands coming up and rubbing at them. Once he focused up on you, it was like he registered in his brain who you were, his body springing up right within seconds. His hands came up to wrap around your waist, yanking you into him and burying his head into your hair.

“Thank gosh.” He sounded relieved, like he thought he was never going to see you again. His hands pressed into your spine, pulling you as close as you could get to his chest. He smelled incredible, like crisp, clean sheets mixed with an expensive cologne that drove your senses crazy. “I was beginning to wonder if you were gonna ignore me forever.”

“I thought about it.” You mumbled into his chest, dropping your eyes shut, half joking but half serious. Your fingers brushed down his back as he sighed into your hair, his lips puckering and brushing against your scalp.

“Don’t say that.” His voice came out muffled from your current position, but you could hear the sadness lacing it. He pulled his head away, his arms staying loosely wrapped around your middle as he stared down at you. His ruby eyes were bloodshot, his bottom lip chapped from biting it so often.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re trying to read my mind.” You looked up at him as you spoke, folding your arms over your chest. He reached up and pushed your hair behind your ear like always, grazing your cheek as they moved away. You let out a deep exhale as he brushed his thumb along your hip. “If you want to know something than ask me.”

He stared at you silently for a moment, his lashes fluttering as he flicked his line of sight all over your face. He swallowed roughly, his eyes finally settling on yours as he spoke.

“When you left Camie’s birthday party, after I proposed, why did you get upset?” His eyes were glued to you, to your every move and reaction, like he was trying to see if what he was thinking was right. You shook your head at him, moving backwards from his grip on the bed and pulling your legs up to your chest, hiding into yourself.

“I think you know why, Katsu.” You said simply, voice quiet and forced as you stared at your feet. You wiggled your toes around, staring at them like they were the most interesting thing in the room. “I know you know why, actually, you’re not stupid.”

He sighed beside you, his hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck as he watched the side of your face. You could feel his gaze burning holes into your skin but didn’t turn your neck to look back, not having the stomach for it.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He whispered and his hand brushed against yours. He easily tugged it towards him, slotting your fingers together and holding on tight.

“Why do you think?” You laughed bitterly, glancing over at him as your eyes stung. “You’re my best friend and you’re in a happy relationship. I wasn’t going to fuck that up just because I had feelings for you.”

“You should have told me.” He huffed, licking his lips and letting your hand go to stand up. He walked over towards your window, running his hands through his hair exasperatedly. “You shouldn’t have just assumed you knew how I felt.”

“You have a girlfriend Katsu, fiancee, now, actually. How exactly do you think I thought you felt about me?” Your stomach knotted at his words, choking down the frustrating emotions filling your esophagus. “She came and talked to me this morning by the way.”

You could see his back muscles tense, his arms folding over his chest and flexing in a manner that looked uncomfortable. He turned towards you, leaning his back into the window sill and staring just past you towards the other side of the room.

“She told me that you used to have feelings for me before you two started dating, that Kaminari told her you were using her to make me jealous.” You added, staring at his face to gauge his reaction. “Is that true?”

“So what if it is?” He sounded nervous as he finally looked at you, his hands dropping to his sides and shoving into his pants. His fingers were drumming against his thighs inside them, the fabric rustling.

“Why wouldn’t you have told me that? Why would you start dating someone if you liked me?” Even saying out loud that he liked you felt funny on your tongue, the idea something you never seemed to think would be true but had so desperately wanted.

“Probably for the same reason you didn’t tell me, I didn’t want to lose you.” He shrugged and gazed at you intensely, “It’s not like I could tell you once I was with her either. I knew it bothered her but I was too selfish to just let you go. You’re my best friend, I thought maybe the feelings would just go away after awhile.”

He paused as he started to pace, his head tilting back towards the ceiling and his eyes falling shut as he exhaled.

“I started to fall for her, I really did. It was so much easier when we were both busy and I couldn’t see you. I fell in love with her and it felt so right that for a while I figured it’d worked out, even if my intentions weren’t that great to begin with. Then when I brought her over to your place and I saw you again, I just…I knew. I knew I still had feelings for you.”

You were silent, taking his words in as they flowed out of his beautiful lips, gripping the comforter under you so tight your knuckles lost all blood flow. Your heartbeat was thumping in your fingertips and toes, a faint ringing in your ears as his words settled in the air.

Your heart was screaming for someone to say something but neither of you spoke, your body raising and your arms folding across your chest, your stance much like Bakugou’s. Standing here in front of him, hearing him say he had feelings for you felt surreal. You’d always pictured yourself being so happy if he confessed to you. You’d pictured him holding you in his arms and whispering that he loved everything about you.

You never imagined it would be explained in such soft tones along with him detailing how he loved someone else. You never imagined that it would hurt quite this much to love someone. It hurt to love Bakugou, it made your heart sear in your chest and your eyes burn like lit coals. You knew that regardless of your feelings now or his, that he still wasn’t yours. He still loved her, regardless of his feelings for you, and you knew you couldn’t do it anymore.

“I think I’m going to go away for a while, Katsu.” The words left your lips before you could think about them properly, the decision already made in your heart. You had to get away, you had to figure out who you were without him.

“What? No.” He said and immediately whipped his head towards you, shaking it side to side frantically, the panic bubbling up inside him. “You’re not leaving, you can’t leave. I need you here.”

“I have to, besides you have Camie now.”

“I don’t want her! I want you, I need you.” He rushed over, grabbing your elbows and pulling your body towards his chest despite your squirming. His eyes were becoming more reddened by the second, water collecting in the ducts.

“You don’t need me.” You whispered and looked at your feet, “You’re engaged. You’re gonna get married and you’re going to be so happy.”

“Not if you’re not here!” His tone was getting louder, agitation pumping through him as you pulled from his grasp, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t, I’ll admit that. But I know I need you here, I know I have feelings for you that are so strong I can’t ignore them, and I know that you feel it too.”

You felt the tears starting to drip slowly down your cheeks, hands shaking as you gripped your sides, hugging your own stomach as if trying to hold yourself and the pieces of your heart together. You felt the remaining cracks in your heart quaking and getting bigger when you looked up at him again and saw a tear slipping down his cheek, even as he tried to rub it away.

“I’m not going to let you throw away the person who makes you happy because I was too slow to tell you how I felt. You don’t need me, Katsu, you think you do because I make you feel comfortable. I missed my chance to have you, it’s gone.” You explained somberly, teeth clattering together as you tried to keep yourself from sobbing. He was staring at you rigidly, his lips parted as he hung on your every word, no longer trying to hide the few tears leaking from his eyes, “I should have told you such a long time ago, and that’s something I’m going to regret for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” Bakugou’s cracked voice was barely audible as he stepped closer to you. He looked so beautiful even with his eyes filled with mild panic and his bottom lip trembling. His hands were shaking as he lifted them up and rubbed at his cheeks again, hard enough to turn his skin light pink.

“Please don’t cry.” You whispered, hands reaching up and cupping his cheeks, dragging away the wet trails with your thumbs, your own cheeks soaked with your sadness.

“Don’t go.” He begged, repeating himself as his hands gripped your waist and held it tight, as if he could keep you in this spot forever. “Please, I’ll figure things out, I’ll give you space if you need it, just please stay.”

“Bakugou, please don’t make this hard.” You whimpered, moving your hands off his face, but his own just whipped up and grabbed yours, hugging them against his chest that was trembling as his tears fall more freely. You could feel his heart beating away through the material of his t-shirt and tried to memorize the rhythm.

“What about what I want? What if I decided already that I want you?” His voice was growing frustrated as he gripped your hands. He was holding them so tightly his knuckles were growing white as he spoke with desperation. “I want you, I want to hold you and kiss you and tell you all the things I never said when I should have. Does that not matter?”

“It doesn’t matter because you love her!” You snapped, “You proposed to her, you have her pictures on your walls and her in your heart. You feel safe with me Bakugou, you’ve known me long enough to not be scared of what could happen with us, that’s all this is. You never once were thinking of me when you developed feelings for her, if you were then you wouldn’t have developed those feelings. “

“You don’t know that.” He said loudly, throwing his hands up into the air as he shook his head, turning from you and walking across the room, beginning to pace again.

“Do you know what it’s like to watch the person you love love someone else, Bakugou?” Your eyes were blurry as more tears built up, your throat feeling like his hands were around it choking you when you tried to speak. Your breathing was becoming shaky, voice thick with from your crying. “It’s the most painful thing in the entire universe. It takes all of your good thoughts about yourself and consumes them, turning them into fuel for the self hatred it forms. I don’t like who I am anymore. I don’t like waking up every morning wanting to cry because you don’t love me.”

“I do love you.” His voice cut in, his body turning towards you again, eyes boring into yours from across the room. “I love you so much, more than I can explain.”

“You may love me, but you’re not in love with me. “ You wavered as you looked away from him, his heart breaking gaze too much to take when you were already having a breakdown. “There’s a difference and you know it. Distance is what we both need, so you can focus on Camie and I can try and move on from these feelings like you started to.”

“I haven’t fucking moved on!” His voice was so loud it made you jump, it reverberating around the small space and filling every corner. “Don’t you get that? Don’t you understand that seeing you with another guy makes me want to fucking explode? Do you think I don’t see how damn beautiful you are when you smile or feel how huge your laughter makes my heart swell? Do you think all that just went away because I started moving on?”

“It has to!” You snapped right back at him, your head lifting up to let your eyes meet, “Whatever chance we had is gone! We both waited too long, way way too long.”

“Stop fucking saying that!” He shouted, his eyes full of anger, perhaps at you or perhaps at the situation you’d both landed yourselves in, the warm tears flowing full force from him now. “You don’t get to just decide when our chance is over. You don’t get to just pick that we never get a shot!”

“We had a shot! We had a shot and we were both too fucking chicken to do anything about it and now that shot is gone!” You argued, hands tugging through your hair exasperatedly, body tired from crying and chest sore with the sobs still fighting to get out. He stared at you for a moment before his body was charging him across the room to you, face distraught.

“No.” He decided, feet carrying him to directly in front of you, his hands raising up and cupping your cheeks before you could process what was happening. “No it’s not.”

And then, his lips were pressed onto yours.

Your back was pressed against the wall behind you, his body molded against yours and his hands delicately holding you against him, his lips moving languidly. The kiss was desperate and needy, his hands leaving your face only to grab at your middle, arms then sliding around it. Your own hands found their way to his biceps as your slotted together lips muffled your crying.

It felt like everything, everything you’d ever wanted and everything in your heart you knew you couldn’t have, not now anyway, not while his heart still belonged to someone else, at least partly. His tears slipped between your lips, the kiss salty against your tongue. He lifted his hands to cradle your neck as a quiet, muffled cry fell past his own lips that were still pressing into yours.

He was everywhere inside you, in every single bone of your body, in every muscle that tensed and moved as he pulled you tighter to him, your leg slipping between his. He filled your senses in a way only Bakugou could, and you savored the kiss because it may be the only one you ever had. The one kiss to solidify that you had both broken eachother’s hearts without even trying, that you had murdered the chances you both were presented.

Because it was too late, it was to late now and he knew it even if his desperate kisses were trying to prove himself otherwise. Your time had come and gone and now you were both left broken, half of your hearts given to the other but never held how it was supposed to have been.

The kiss felt like so much, like all the things you’d wished you had done differently. All the times you had almost kissed him or held him. All the times you’d almost said those three simple words and changed everything. All those times he’d nearly held you too long, the times he’d spent late at night contemplating calling you and saying everything he ever felt.

But most of all, it felt like a goodbye.

A goodbye you never wanted to have.

“Please don’t go.” He hiccuped against your lips as you pulled away, his forehead pressing into yours as your breathes mixed together between you. “Please, I’ll do anything.”

You wanted to give in so badly, to just stay and live in the little bubble Bakugou was trying to make. To pretend you didn’t care he’d have unresolved feelings for another woman, to pretend that your life wasn’t a complete mess, but you couldn’t.

So when he laid you on the bed and kept whispering how much he loved you into your ear mixed with his sobbing, you let him. You let him whisper all the things to you you’d wished he had said sooner. You let yourself pretend that this wasn’t just for the night. You tricked yourself into believing that love was enough.

You let yourself pretend to sleep in his arms while your tears grew silent and his rapid choked breathing grew even. You let yourself feel his arms around you all night long while you listened to his heart that beat in his chest and pretended it only belonged to you. You let yourself pretend that finally, finally he was yours.

But when the sun rose and poked through the curtains casting a faint red glow on his features, you detached yourself from his arms, the bubble bursting and fading into nothing. The feelings you’d finally let yourself have, if only for a few hours, enough to give you the strength to pull out of bed.

You pressed a faint kiss against his parted, sleeping lips, his figure curling into itself as one silent tear dripped from your face onto the sheets beside him. Your bottom lip trembled as you pulled away, grabbing your things from your dresser drawer quietly before heading for the door.

You paused as you gripped the door handle, taking one last look back at his sleeping figure as you bit your cheek and fought out a whisper to his deaf ears.

“I love you, Bakugou.”

And then, you were gone.

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

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if any of you would like to be added to the taglist for the remaining chapters, pls reply to this post !! posting chapter 3 in 27 minutes <3

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

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little lion man > 2

rating: [pg-13 / angst] pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader x todoroki shouto warnings: cursing, lots of yummy angst >:)) word count: 11.3k listen while you read here!

join the discord!

ch.1 + ch.2 + ch.3 + ch.4 (final) + alt. ending

A broken heart was a nuisance, an annoying leech that sucked the life out of you every moment you paused to think about the pain it was spreading through your limbs. Every second you spent with your mind not occupied you wanted to scream and cry. It felt like your emotions were burning embers and anytime you paused to give it oxygen the fire would grow and consume you til you were nothing but ashes.

You had been on a roller coaster for a week straight, you had highs and lows and every dip and turn was filled with Bakugou. He was in your favorite songs and covering your walls. He was in your brain and in your vision and filled your senses down to your atoms that made you alive. Sometimes you felt angry, sometimes you felt happy, but mostly you felt so incredibly sad.

You’d managed to, mostly, get Bakugou off your case after repeatedly insisting you’d just been surprised and upset at the possibility of losing him. It wasn’t technically a lie, you were definitely surprised when he’d announced his plans to get engaged. To say you hadn’t seen it coming would have been an understatement. You conveniently left out that your heart had been crushed and that you’d never suffered a pain more severe in your entire life thus far. It had felt like you got hit head on by a speeding train that you’d been too slow to dodge.

Now was the hard part; to continue to act like you were okay, like you couldn’t wait to watch him get married and see them began their happily ever after. You were pinning your emotions to the back of your mind and tying them down with a neat little bow because you needed to. You would be the best friend Bakugou deserved and yearned for right now, even if it made you feel like your insides were rotting.

All of it was frustrating. It was frustrating he didn’t love you but you so unwaveringly loved him. It was frustrating he could so easily tell when something was wrong with you and made it so much harder for you to lie. It was frustrating that every moment alone felt like torture because all you could think of was him with her and there was nothing to distract you. He had been your distraction when you’d been hurt before, and now he was unknowingly the cause and couldn’t be the cure.

Maybe you’d just feel this sad, heartbroken and lonely forever. Maybe you’d always be stupidly in love with someone whose heart was taken. Maybe you were foolish for thinking you could’ve had a chance if you tried harder. Maybe you’d be alone and in love til the day you died with someone you’d never have and would never want you. Maybe that was your fate in life, to have a permanent fake smile and empty feeling in your chest.

It was all affecting you more than you could let on, though you were mostly convincing, sometimes even to yourself. It was like your brain had turned to stone and got chipped to pieces too small to make coherent thoughts other than how awful you felt at times. You just needed to ignore the gnawing in your chest that had been so consistent lately it was becoming a part of you. Then you would be fine, you had to be.

For Bakugou.

He was obviously worried about you, even after the long phone call and a few days passing. He’d been calling more frequently and every time his voice would waver on the edge of concern when your tone wasn’t quite right. Whether or not he trusted what you had told him didn’t matter, because you could hear the worry lacing his tone when he’d repeatedly asked if you were okay. It only solidified your decision to put your feelings aside and focus on him, because you loved him too much to egg on the anxiety you were causing him. Besides, there was no reason for the both of you to be living a pained existence.

Convincing yourself that locking your feelings behind a perfect smile would be easy had been step one, though in the far parts of your mind you knew it wouldn’t ever work. Now, you just had to actually put that thought into action and try to be there for him. Perhaps the self sacrifice would persuade the universe to give you a break.

The wind whipped at your cheeks as your eyes squinted into the cool air blowing your hair away from your face. Your feet made soft clapping sounds against the pavement as you took a quick peek towards Bakugou’s building, the large inconspicuous residence you hadn’t been to in months. Perhaps it felt more intimidating because you’d be alone with Bakugou for the first time in a long time. The thought made your abdomen twist uncomfortably, the wind shifting directions, your jacket flitting open.

The sky was a pale blue and dotted with soft looking white clouds, the streets slow but bustling as workers fled their jobs for lunch. The day wasn’t nearly as ominous looking as your last time seeing Bakugou had been, but your mind still felt restless as the front door came into view. Your fingers were wrapping around your phone before you could dwell on it, plucking it from your coat pocket, fingers to drumming across the glass.

To; Bakugou [ 15:04 ]:

I’m here come let me in it’s cold!

Coming over for a late lunch had been Bakugou’s idea after you’d been seemingly sticking to phone calls rather than visits in person when he had free time. He’d been complaining about it and you could only tell the boy no so many times before he’d multiply his suspicions and assume the worst. He opened the door after a few minutes, a breathtaking grin on his face as he promptly reached out and tugged you inside.

You were met with a gush of warmth as the door closed behind you, a content sigh slipping out as you hung up your coat and slid your phone into your back pocket for safekeeping. He flashed a relaxed smile as you slipped your shoes off, his body pulling yours in for a hug the moment you stood upright. You tensed for a second when his body molded into yours, but took a shaky breathe to relax, slithering your own arms around his waist.

“Missed you.” He hummed mutely and slowly slid his arms off of you, his tongue poking out to wet his lips as he looked down at you. His hands moved to your shoulders as he held you at an arm’s length, eyes examining your entirety.

“We talked on the phone yesterday, Katsu.” You quietly laughed and patted his chest with your palms out flat, dipping your body away from him as you moved further into his home. Something about being here had always made you feel content. Maybe it was because it smelled like he did when you’d hug him so tight he’d burn into your senses.

Your eyes flickered around the living room you hadn’t seen in so long, landing on picture frame after picture frame filled with photos of him and Camie. Sure, there were some mixed in of yourself, his family and the boys, but you could tell without counting that most of the new items in the room were featuring her. From the baby pink teddy bear sitting on a desk in the corner, to the several photos of the two of them dotting the white walls, her presence was made known.

Hatred wasn’t something you felt for her but jealousy without a doubt was. It wasn’t that you disliked yourself, you just had an ever expanding nagging in your brain reminding you of all the things she had you lacked. She was smart and graceful and kind and oh so beautiful, according to Bakugou. She had gotten his affections just by being herself and you were resentful that you being you apparently wasn’t enough to do the same. Not for him, at least.

He cared about her and that was so immensely obvious just by having seen the two of them interacting. It made your confidence deflate. All the things you so badly wanted to do with Bakugou, she would get. The memory of her kissing his lips and holding his hand replayed in your head like a sick movie designed to make you ill and you had to take a deep breathe to try to push that sickness away.

You followed Bakugou’s retreating back towards his kitchen, away from the taunting photos, where he’d set up a small lunch for the pair of you. A small smile spread on your lips as you sat, eyes watching him move around his kitchen to get you both drinks. You could see his lips moving but his words weren’t registering in your conscience, though he seemed to be talking about what he ordered you for lunch. All you could focus on was how relaxed he looked there in the kitchen with you, chuckling to himself about how much food he’d bought.

Little moments like this had been what made it so simple to develop feelings for him. He just seemed so close to you in those minutes when he was the most himself he could be, just talking about his day and moving without thinking. When you were alone like this he wasn’t Bakugou Katsuki the hero, he was Bakugou Katsuki, your idiot of a best friend who loved to make you smile.

Had you really been that stupid for thinking that maybe, somewhere, in the deepest parts of his heart, he had been falling in love with you too? Had it been stupid to think that these moments alone had felt just a right as they had to you? How was it possible for you to have been developing such different feelings every single second of your time together? You had only ever been watching him when he had never really glanced at you, not in the way you yearned for.

“Here we go.” Bakugou sighed, finally settling into his seat, placing a mug of your favorite tea in front of you before he sipped some of his own. You noticed he was using the mug you’d sent him a couple months ago while he was on tour, shifting your eyes to his face as you picked up your utensils.

“Thanks, Katsu.” You smiled a small but genuine smile as you took a bite, your smile spreading as you took another, much bigger one. Bakugou’s light laughter made heat rush along your face as you narrowed your eyes at him.

“Shut up, I haven’t eaten all day.” You defended halfheartedly, taking another bite before snapping your chopsticks towards his face, which only made him laugh a bit harder, his head shaking from side to side.

“You just look cute with your cheeks all puffed out like that. Like a chipmunk or something.” He commented, using his finger tip to poke one of your food filled cheeks, making your eyes roll.

The two of you fell into your easy rhythm so quickly and it felt like for just a few minutes you didn’t have to keep your guard up. You didn’t need to pretend you were happy because simply being with Bakugou made you so much happier than you wanted to admit. You wanted so badly to hate him for making you feel this way, but you just couldn’t seem to.

You were both sipping your tea, plates mostly empty, a huge amount of leftovers on the counter. The kitchen silent besides the quiet ticking of the clock on the far wall behind you, as it had been for a few moments since your conversation died out. His eyes had averted from yours when the silence fell, your own taking advantage of the beat in conversation, trailing over the lines of his jaw and neck. You watched as his muscles moved when he swallowed and let out a small huff of air, it sounding a little strained.

His fingertip was dragging lazily along the rim of the mug he had set down, a drip of the brown liquid rolling down the side of the cup and pooling onto the table below it. Your knee bounced under the table as he took a slow inhale before he spoke, the anxiety bubbling in your stomach.

“Were you mad at me? The other night, I mean? Were you mad?” His eyes were avoiding yours as the words slipped out, perhaps because he knew this was the tenth time he’d asked you the past week if he’d done something wrong. To you, he had done something hugely wrong by loving Camie instead of you, but you couldn’t exactly tell him that without telling him everything, and that was a conversation you definitely weren’t having right that moment.

“Why would I have been mad at you Katsu?” You took a second to compose yourself before you spoke, not wanting to give yourself away or say something you shouldn’t. You knew if you kept avoiding this conversation he’d eventually grow agitated but you also had to tread carefully or he’d start figuring things out.

You lifted your cup up to your lips, which puckered to blow some of the steam away before you took a drink. His eyes shifted over to your, moving from your hands, to the mug, then up to your eyes, his own masked slightly by his lashes and messy, spiky pieces of hair. He ran his fingers through it to push it aside.

“I don’t know, I just… I just feel like something changed, like we changed. I don’t want you to think that just because I’ll be married to Camie that we’re going to be any different. I wouldn’t ever let that happen to us.” His bottom lip tucked up under his teeth as he scrunched his face up some. His ruby eyes squinted closed as his lip slowly slipped out from under his teeth, lips pursing as he debated his words. “I know that everything seems really sudden, we’ve only really been together a year. I shouldn’t have expected you to be ecstatic when you barely know her.”

His voice was quiet but felt so loud in the space surrounding you, the air reverberating with the sounds. Everything had changed when he told you, you changed and you knew he could see the shift. The way he’d hugged you when he left made it obvious he knew you weren’t okay even if he appeared to be telling himself you were. You couldn’t have been sure why, maybe it was because Kaminari had walked in on your conversation, or perhaps it was because Camie had been there.

“She’s just so incredible, she’s so special to me. I don’t even know how I got lucky enough to get her. The idea of losing Camie now…” He trailed off his little rant, eyes moving away from yours and down towards his cup, staring at his spoon as he swirled it around. His head shook slightly as he tilted his head upwards so his eyes were on you again.

You were sure you loved him more than Camie never would. How was it possible for him to not see that you meant so much more to him than a friend? How could he for a second think that no one who love him again when you always had?

“I just, I can’t lose you, either of you. I need her but I need you too, so badly.” Bakugou’s gentle tone felt like he was trying to calm you down, like he didn’t want to awaken the sadness in your heart he wasn’t sure was there inside you. “No matter what happens with me and her I’m always going to care about you and need you, here, with me.”

Was it possible to be dumped by someone you were never dating? You felt like he was giving you the talk when all you’d ever done was daydream from a safe distance about what it would be like to be his. Why did he feel the need to explain how much he needed her when you didn’t need convincing that he was in love with her? You thought you were the only one not acting like yourself, but seeing Bakugou’s eyes now darting between yours made you question that.

“Katsu, I know you love her, I know you need her. Relax. You know you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” It was the truth, Bakugou never needed to explain himself to you, and right now you didn’t particularly want him to. You could only listen to him fawn over her so much before you’d start feeling like you were being suffocated. “I just want you to be happy Bakugou, no matter what.”

He stayed still for a moment, his fingers having grown motionless against the cup as he focused in on you. He was scrutinizing you, trying to read your thoughts and find out your very secrets you were struggling to hide. You’d thought you’d been convincing but perhaps you weren’t as good of an actress as you had thought.

The obnoxious ringing from his phone got the attention of both of your gazes, his screen lighting up and flashing with Camie’s name. You bit down hard on your bottom lip, standing up with your dirty cup and heading towards the kitchen sink as he cleared his throat behind you before answering.

“Hey…Yeah, sorry we were eating lunch.” You could hear bits of his conversation as you turned the water on and rinsed your cup out, glancing at him over your shoulder as he retreated from the room, phone pressed to his ear as his voice caught your ears again. “No, it’s just me and her.”

A quiet sigh left your lips once he was out of your line of vision and you tilted your head downwards, damp hands gripping the countertop. You could feel yourself getting worked up as you repeated him talking about her in your head.

In the movies and books they always made it seem like getting your heart broken was one quick moment, but it wasn’t. It was so slow. It was all consuming and would build and build until you finally couldn’t take it anymore. It would kick at your chest and turn your skin deep purple and blue. It would throw hammers at your ribs and rip apart the bones before yanking out your heart. It would squeeze it tightly and cut off the blood flow and make that pain grow and grow til it was all too much.

It was breaking you, the only question was what would be the final push to ruin you. How many more words of his love for her could you take? You were barely making it as it was, your eyes were lined in dark circles makeup couldn’t quite cover up, your body sluggish and mind in a fog. You could only ignore the silent pain for so long before you were going to lose it, despite how hard you were trying to make it okay.

You placed the cup in the dish rack before padding your way through the house, looking for Bakugou, spotting his back in the crack of his bedroom door. Judging by the sound of his muffled voice he appeared to still be on the phone, his messy hair moving slightly as he shook his bit of head you could see.

“…just haven’t been alone for a while, that’s all. You know I wanna see you, too.” Was all you picked up as you walked past, going into his makeshift study. It was a small room with a desk, some bookshelves and a little keyboard in the corner. You shut the door behind you as you sighed, rubbing the bridge of your nose. You dropped down into the chair at his desk, using your foot to kick off the ground and give it a light spin.

The room was hushed besides the sound of the world outside coming through the barely cracked open window, the curtains fluttering in the breeze coming through. His space was littered with crumpled up papers and stacks of books and magazines so high you were surprised they hadn’t toppled onto the ground yet.

You sighed quietly as you slid your phone from your pocket, hair falling into your face like a curtain you were too lazy to move. You hummed to yourself as you noticed you had a text waiting from Todoroki and opened it with a tap of your finger, eyes flickering over the words.

Todoroki [ 15:44 ] :

Do you want to come over and watch a movie later? I got that new mystery thriller you wanted to see.

Your fingers drummed over the letters as you sent a quick response back, before setting your phone back into your pocket.

To; Todoroki [ 16:02 ] :

Sorry, was eating lunch with Katsu. That sounds great, I’ll text you once I’m home.

Your fingertip slid along the edge of the desk as you rocked side to side in the chair, eyes trailing along behind it before you paused, noticing his top desk drawer was ajar. Curiosity got the best of you as you slowly gripped the edge, giving it a gentle tug open. It was mostly junk, scrap papers and little notes tossed inside to be reread later. You moved to shut it when it caught your eye; a small, black, velvet box tucked safely in the back corner.

The air felt thick as you halted your movements, unable to tear your eyes away from the unassuming object as your lips parted to let out a sharp breathe. You hesitated before picking it up, your mind going a mile a minute at the possibilities of what could be inside. You held the box delicately in the middle of your palm, as if it could snap and bite you if you touched it wrong. Your breathing felt too labored, chest too tight as you rested your fingers against the top. The sinking feeling in your chest making you gulp for air as you shifted your weight anxiously.

The room felt to silence as you pulled the lid open and your eyes were met with a beautiful diamond ring. It took your brain a second to catch up with what you were seeing, the panic spreading through your veins before you could register that the box had contained exactly what you dreaded. It sparkled when the light hit it as your hand shook and you felt like the universe was mocking you, laughing at how pathetic you’d become.

It was incredible how a stupid piece of jewellery could make your mood plummet. You’d let your guard down too much today with him, you’d forgotten the reality of what was going on outside of the little bubble you’d climbed inside. You’d been idiotic to think you could pretend your feelings into nothingness, foolish even for even giving that kinda thought an ounce of your time. Your fingers shook some so you squeezed your hand tighter around the black velvet, bottom lip beginning to tremble instead.

It definitely wasn’t anything to scoff at, a large teardrop shaped, crystal clear diamond in the center. It had two smaller pink gems on the sides of it, the entire band covered in rosy stones with delicate gold swirls protruding behind the teardrop shape. It screamed Camie. It was elegant and graceful and the pink tones reminded you of the color her cheeks turned when she blushed.

You felt like you could vomit, staring at the perfect stone and thinking of how much it seemed like her. She was just as perfect, just as elegant, just as graceful.

It was no wonder he loved her and not you.

The trepidation that crept up your spine made your entire body tense up, like you’d been shoved in a bath of ice water. Your nose scrunched as you tried to swallow, aware of your loud breathing, fingers snapping the lid shut before you could stare anymore. All you could picture was him slipping it onto her finger and the image made you want to run so far away. Seeing the ring in person only solidified the plans he’d told you, you just hadn’t imagined you’d be seeing it beginning to happen so fast.

The damn perfect ring represented so much more to you than just being a ring. It was everything you weren’t, everything Bakugou loved and cherished all wrapped around in gold and covered in diamonds. It was everything you’d never be and never have and everything you wanted so bad it was crushing you inside. How could you have been so naive to let yourself get here? How could you let your heart be swayed so easily by one boy to the point where he held your whole being in his palm and could toss it aside whenever he pleased? You were just a stupid girl with stupid feelings for a boy who didn’t seem to understand how he could, and was, affecting yours with every move he made towards her.

A single tear slipped down against the side of your nose, your curled up hand rubbing it away as you pushed the box back in place and slammed the drawer shut with your knee. Your hands shook as you walked over and sat idly on the small cushioned bench in front of his keyboard, fingers curling into your palms to make hard fists against your thighs. A shaky breathe fell out as you squeezed your eyes closed, now thankful for the curtain of hair shutting the room around you out.

Your head lifted up towards the ceiling, eyes opening back up as another tear slid out of the corner, spilling along your temple and skimming the shell of your ear, your hand raising to absentmindedly wipe it’s wet trail away. You felt like you weren’t in your body anymore, like your systems had all shut down and put you on low power mode. You were weak, too weak to really cry and too stubborn to address the agony in your bones that was screaming for attention.

You turned your body towards the keyboard, back to the door as you stared down at the pristine white rectangles, mind blank. The keys were untouched while the actual body of the keyboard was littered with little notes and lyrics he’d apparently not wanted to forget. He had a little piece of music you’d given him to practice awhile ago set on the music stand, his messy handwriting all over it.

You wanted to leave. You needed to leave. You felt like you were drowning but no one could see you struggling. Like your lungs were filling with water and you couldn’t scream for help, only now the water was pain and sadness and you couldn’t scream for help because no one could know you were being killed. No one could know because he couldn’t know.

Your fingers slid over the keys before you really thought about it, barely using pressure to play a somber tune, trying to simultaneously fill the void of silence but also quiet down the sound of your heart pounding in your ears.The emotions you had bubbling just below the surface made your body slouch forwards, eyes run dry but feeling tired.

Why was it that the one you wanted was the one you couldn’t have? Why did you have to fall in love with someone like Bakugou? He had become your everything without even knowing it. He was the sun and the moon and all the stars in the universe and you were just an admirer who stared at it all from a telescope. You’d never even gotten close to capturing him but somehow in your mind you had thought you would.

The quiet melody you played blocked out the sound of Bakugou sighing as he came in the room, but the sound of the door closing caught your attention enough to make your fingers stop their movements. His body sunk onto the bench beside you, a heavy exhale coming from his lips as his hands ran over his face unceremoniously.

“I’m sorry that took so long. It was Camie, she said to tell you hello.” Bakugou spoke with a half convincing smile, his forehead leaning over and resting against your shoulder. You could tell he was put off now, but didn’t want to push it, your mind lingering to the box hidden in the desk as his body relaxed against your side.

You hated how effortlessly he could make your nerves multiply at this proximity, he was barely even touching you but he somehow seemed to have total control over your body. Half of you loved having him so close, loved feeling his lips press into your covered shoulder and hearing his breathing slow. The other half of you, however, dreaded having him like this as it only seemed to make the painful state of your heart more prevalent. You could feel his tense muscles relax against your side, his breathing slowly evening out to his normal pace.

“Teach me to play what you were playing.” He broke the few minutes of silence with his voice, nudging you with his elbow and straightening his back out. His eyes flickered over the keys before he turned his head to look at you, his hair falling further against his forehead. “I’m a good student, I promise.”

You stared at him for a moment before silently nodding, seeing the small smile tug on his lips before you let your fingers repeat the quiet tune, your free hand rested on your lap and tapping the beat into your thigh. You glanced over at him once you finished, nodding towards the piano to indicate he should try.

He nodded his own head, fingers reaching forward and starting to slip ungracefully between each note, hitting the keys a bit too hard to make the melody sound right. You let out an involuntary quiet laugh, making him pout and turn his upper half towards you as he spoke.

“Don’t laugh at me!” He grumbled like a little kid, even stomping his foot lightly to make it the full package. It was almost funny how quickly his mood had shifted from disgruntled and quiet to his usual playful, hotheaded state.

“I’m sorry.” You quipped, laughter quieting down as you shook your head at him and tried to calm your nerves, “You’re just hitting the keys too hard, it has to be more gentle, like this.”

You shifted towards the instrument again, biting down on your bottom lip as you let your fingers float through the melody. You were barely ghosting over the keys, just enough to make an audible sound. Your body moved with the notes, throat vibrating with hums as you let the sounds fill the room.

When you glanced over at him to see if he was paying attention, you noticed his eyes weren’t on the keys, or even your hands, but on your face. He hadn’t noticed you were looking at him, he was too in his head to realize he’d been caught staring. Something about the way his eyes were glued to you, with his lips parted and his breathing slow made your stomach tie into a knot.

You cleared your throat, reaching over and patting his knee with a sigh, which seemed to pull him from whatever was going on in that brain of his. You felt your mind going fuzzy as you shook your head at him.

“You’re a horrible student, you’re not even paying attention.” You scolded, narrowing your eyes at him as if you were mad. He just flashed you a sheepish smile and laughed quietly, bumping his shoulder lightly into yours as he muttered a small apology. For a moment you swore you saw a blush on creep onto his cheeks.

“I got it now.” He defended, hands once again resuming their place on the keys, moving too quickly and too aggressively through the tune, perhaps even worse than before. You rolled your eyes, adjusting your body so it was closer to his before letting your hand fall on top of his above the keys.

“Like this, Katsu..” You mumbled, fingers laying atop of each of his, his body stilling for a moment before beginning to move with your guidance. You tried not to focus on how soft his skin felt against your palm, not daring to look at his face as you swallowed thickly. “You see? Soft, it sounds better this way.”

“Yeah.” His voice was quiet, like speaking too loud would be alarming with how pressed together your bodies were. You finally let your face turn towards his again and instantly realized it was a mistake. You were way too close and at this distance you could see every single detail Bakugou Katsuki had.

His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as his eyes flitted across your face, his tongue poking out of his soft looking lips to wet them. You could see all the tiny details on his face, like the tiny scratch on his cheek from fighting with whoever and how his long eyelashes danced upon his cheeks. His thigh was pressing into yours and your hands were still overlapped though his was no longer moving, which stilled yours. Your nerves that had felt so fried the past few days were suddenly running on overdrive and your brain wasn’t moving well enough to process what was going on.

He let out a shaky breath as his eyes focused in on yours and held them in place, his free hand lifting up and pushing your hair back behind your ear as he spoke.

“Thank you.” His voice was soft, but sounded loud in the silent space around you, his calloused fingers lingering there by your cheek and not moving away. His fingertips dragged across your cheekbone, thumb grazing the corner of your lip just barely but the touch felt too intimate. Your heart was pounding so hard you could feel the blood pumping through your veins, making your fingertips feel like there were drums banging in them.

You couldn’t move, glued to the spot as his hand under yours turned, your palms flush as he slotted his fingers through yours, his other hand slipping away from your face, leaving what felt like burns behind. His eyes moved away from yours and instead to behind you, towards his desk. You were close enough to kiss him, just a tilt of your head and your lips could be on his. Your ribs felt bruised from how hard your heart was thumping into them.

Your eyes flickered over his face as his eyes remained glued to his desk and you silently wondered what he had said thank you for. Was it for, badly, trying to teach him to play the song, or something else? What had you done that was worthy of a thank you, and why was he holding your hand so tightly the longer he stared across the room? Why did he have to be so beautiful with the light flooding through the window casting a glow over his features? Why did it have to hurt so much to love him?

He swallowed hard, his thumb brushing across the face of your hand as his eyes finally moved to yours, a quiet sigh reaching your ears. He looked serious, his eyes definitive as he stared at you.

“Have you…have you ever thought ab-”

“Babe? Are you guys here?”

Camie’s voice cut off whatever Bakugou was going to say, his hand slipping from yours and his body springing away as if you’d scorched him. He was immediately standing up, eyes darting around the room, looking anywhere but at you as the door to the room opened, Camie’s smiling face meeting the both of yours. You felt an odd sense of nerves course through you for a moment, like you’d almost been caught doing something secret and immoral.

“What are you doing here?” Bakugou asked, his hand raising to scratch the back of his neck. He cleared his throat to try and clear out the waver in his voice, his body moving him a step closer to her.

“I got done with my class early and thought I would bring you guys some dinner.” Camie smiled brightly, giving you a polite wave hello before moving over to wrap her arms around her boyfriend. Bakugou glanced over at you once quickly before he wrapped his arms around her small middle, lifting her off the ground slightly when he stood up with her in his grasp. Her playful gasp and loud squeal had his laughter floating out so easily.

Watching him shift all his focus to her felt crushing, like the moment she showed up you no longer existed. Every step he took towards Camie was a million more away from you. To think for a second there you’d been imaging he was going to kiss you. Were you really that delusional?

The way they so simply made each other happy made you wanna scream. Camie was busy chatting away about her class to Bakugou, his head nodding though judging by the look in his eyes you could tell he wasn’t listening. His eyes were following her lips as they moved, his hands grasping her hips so she didn’t drift too far from him, but his brain wasn’t digesting the words.

You’d been living in a fantasy for a moment and Camie walking in brought you back to reality. You couldn’t keep letting yourself do this, you couldn’t give into how badly you wanted to be with him because this was what always followed. It wasn’t just self sacrificing, it was self destructive.

You tore your eyes away from the pair of them as you slid your phone from your pocket, throat constricted as you quickly texted Todoroki.

To; Todoroki [ 16:47 ]:

Change of plans, would you be able to come get me from Bakugou’s please? I don’t want to walk home, it’s too cold out.

“Did you wanna stay and eat with us?’ Bakugou’s voice met your ears as he spoke to Camie, your eyes on their feet as they shuffled closer to each other. You silently wondered if they’d forgotten you were in a room, Camie had barely even acknowledged your presence the entire time she’d been here. Your phone buzzed with a response, making you glance at it.

Todoroki [ 16:48 ]:

On my way, I’ll be there in a few minutes.

Camie’s giggling made you gaze up again, her trademark blush spread across her cheeks as Bakugou lightly let his fingers tickle her sides, his smile a tad more relaxed than it had been a minute or two ago. You rose to your feet, which made Bakugou look in your direction once quickly, his grip on Camie loosening enough for her to turn her body towards yours.

“I should probably get going, actually.” You said with a forced smile, desperately wanting to get out of the room you were trapped in with the happy pair. Because the truth was you weren’t fine, you weren’t sure you’d ever be fine. You were a wreck and you were forcing things to seem okay because you were too scared to face what may happen if you admitted they weren’t.

Remembering that engagement ring was hidden in the desk beside you made your blood run cold. Your fingernails dug half moons into your palms, bottom lip trembling as the tears threatened to spill while you desperately tried to force them down, starting to move out of the room. How were you supposed to do this? How did anyone do this? Those romantic movies were such shit, no one would want to fall in love if they knew this was how it was going to feel.

You hadn’t known, and look where that got you.

“You don’t have to go.” Bakugou’s voice clicked in your mind as you exited the room, his footsteps trailing behind you as you made your way back towards the living room. The pictures of them on the walls now felt like they were there to mock you, to remind you that you weren’t wanted.

“We’d love to have you eat with us.” Camie insisted, appearing by Bakugou’s side as she slid her hand slowly into his, her sweet face twisted into a small frown as you slid your shoes back onto your feet. You hated how she answered for the both of them. Then again, Bakugou had invited her to join you both on behalf of the two of you. Maybe he just didn’t care if you wanted her there or not.

“It’s alright, you guys should have some alone time. Todoroki’s on his way already anyway.” You insisted, tugging on your jacket and noticing how Bakugou’s grip on her hand relaxed. Hers only tightened however, her body shuffling about as close to his as she could get without actually being against him. It made your body burn seeing how perfect they looked together, a vision of beauty and pain to your heart.

The room was mute for a moment as you got your jacket situated and buttoned up properly, fingers weaving through your hair and pushing it back off your face while Bakugou just stared. He pursed his lips slightly and then folded them in on themselves, making his mouth a straight, hard line. He looked dejected which you couldn’t quite understand. He had Camie here, he invited her to stay. Why would he be frustrated you were leaving? You knew he wanted you to like her but surely he didn’t expect you to be their constant third wheel.

Camie seemed to notice his quiet state and leaned up, kissing his cheek and frowning in concern as her free hand lifted up and cupped his chin, moving his face towards hers as she quietly asked if he was okay. The worry was clear on her features, her eyebrows furrowed as her thumb drew gentle circles on the curve of his cheek, his head barely nodding in response. You were beyond grateful to hear the knock on the door, turning your body and tugging it open without hesitation.

Todoroki stood with his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, a dark colored sweater on his top half making him look soft. He had been looking at his shoes, his head lifting up when you answered and a smile spreading on his famous lips.

“Hey.” He spoke, stepping forward to pull your body into his hard chest, arms holding you tight for a small hug, your eyelids fluttering shut and savoring the warmth of his sweater covered chest against your cheek. “You ready to go?”

You nodded and pulled away from him, turning to bid the couple a goodbye, Bakugou staring at you with that unreadable look on his face again. His eyes were on your back, then on Todoroki, his jaw clenched uncomfortably and his free hand balled up into a loose fist. You moved your body forward to his, his demeanor relaxing as he slid his arms around you.

His hug felt different than Todoroki’s, his was hard and made your body crush into his, his palms encasing your back like a shield and his breath fanning across your cheek as he leaned his head down. You were surprised when his lips puckered against your cheek considering Camie was beside him, but she didn’t seem to have much of a reaction other than an uncomfortable clearing of her throat.

“I’ll see you later, Katsu, thank you for lunch.” You said quietly, pulling from his tight grip and rubbing your hands along your forearms anxiously. He simply nodded but said nothing back as you turned away from him. You followed Todoroki out the door, taking a deep breath of the crisp air outside once the door clicked shut behind you. Your muscles were achy and sore as you moved towards the car, body exhausted from the few hours there with Bakugou.

You felt like you’d gone through every emotion, from happy to sad to confused and back again. Your ability to keep it together was becoming paper thin, your mind foggy and begging to just be silent for a few hours. The tiny rope holding you together was being plucked apart string by string and was ready to snap.

The only question was when.

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The taste of the expensive alcohol on your tongue was doing little to dull your senses in the crowded expensive restaurant. The private back room you occupied was lavish, with high ceilings and a dazzling chandelier that sparkled in the dim lighting. The air felt hot and the music was so inaudible it might as well have been turned off.

Your dress was too stuffy, your thighs sticking to the faux leather seat beneath you as you shifted and tugged the too thick material. You were uncomfortable here. Uncomfortable under the gleam of all the expensive things.

Uncomfortable in the stupid dress that made you feel like you were being choked. But most of all, uncomfortable being sat at the end of the table where you had a perfect view of Bakugou and Camie, side by side and feeding each other bites of their dinners.

You didn’t know how you’d been forced to come to Camie’s birthday dinner, Bakugou had insisted she wanted you to come and since most of the boys were coming you’d given in. You were sat between Kaminari and Kirishima. Midoriya, Sero, and Todoroki were across from you at the large wooden table. You hated being here. You hated being subjected to watching the happy couple kiss and hug all night long like some form of specific torture catered towards your secrets and insecurities.

It all felt too much, them so in love, the sound of her friends loud laughter and chatting, the way Kaminari kept catching you staring at Bakugou, the tight anxious feeling in your chest every time Bakugou took a second to glance your way, all of it. Your nerves were at max capacity, body nearly buzzing from the emotions bottled up inside you and all you wanted to do was go home.

You sighed quietly, taking another sip of your drink as you glanced over at Kirishima, who had let out a bored grumble, making you crack a tiny smile. The youngest boy looked like he’d rather be anywhere but there, his arms folded lazily over his broad chest and the corners of his lips just barely turned downwards as he spoke.

“I don’t like her.”

You nearly choked on the sip of your drink you’d just swallowed, Kaminari’s large hand clapping at your back to make sure you could breathe while Midoriya’s eyebrows narrowed across the table at Kirishima.

“That’s not polite, Kirishima.” He scolded, taking a small bite of the food in front of him. Kirishima scoffed quietly as he sat up properly and picked up his own drink, speaking as he lifted it up to his lips.

“Don’t you think this is all a bit much for a birthday party?”

You bit down on your bottom lip as you set your glass down, eyes skimming over the other boys as they remained tight lipped, though Kaminari was bouncing his leg beside yours. Your last birthday you’d spent watching movies and eating pizza with Sero, Kirishima and Tokoyami while Todoroki baked you a cake and Bakugou insisted he did all the decorating. You’d just assumed this was going to be a small dinner, not this lavish affair it seemed to have become, her friends all in expensive looking outfits and the prices on the menu you’d seen astronomical. You could understand Kirishima’s distaste for location choice, it wouldn’t have been your first choice either.

“She’s been all over him all night like she’s trying to show him off.” Kirishima added and set his glass down after taking a swig, his hand overlapping as he folded them neatly in front of his body at the table. “So I don’t like her, period. I don’t really care if that’s rude.”

You took a glance down towards the other end of the table as Midoriya started lecturing Kirishima, muting out their conversation and letting your eyes wander over Bakugou as he took a bite of his food. Camie was chatting away with her friends beside him, his tongue poking out to lick his lips off as his eyes glanced over at her. His arm moved slightly from its grip around the back of her chair, instead wrapping around her shoulders. A smile tugged on her lips that made jealousy rage in the pit of your stomach from the simple gesture. It killed you to know you’d never have that with him, as much as you were trying to pretend it wasn’t hurting you.

You were scared of what would happen when you let the floodgates open. How were you ever going to move on if you let yourself feel just how deeply those emotions for Bakugou ran? You had been rooted to the same spot for so long hoping that maybe, just maybe, the impossible would happen, but deep in the back of your mind you knew that time was never going to come. That was becoming more obvious with each passing day.

When Bakugou’s eyes flickered towards your end of the table, he paused for a moment, gaze catching yours and you held it, swallowing down the lump that threatened to grow in your throat. He stared at you hard, his expression not changing and his eyes too hard to read from so far away, though you doubted there was any meaning behind them. He’d been distant the past few days, like you’d hurt him and he was pulling away and while it stung, part of you had been thankful for the time to try and put yourself together.

But you missed him, gosh did you miss him. You missed him every second you weren’t with him, even when being with him was murdering your mental state. It was like he was a drug and you were an addict waiting for their next fix. Only with Bakugou, coming down from the high felt more like plummeting off a cliff and landing right on your back, all the air being thrown out of your body along with any signs of happiness.

When Camie turned towards him and spoke something into his ear, his eyes moved away, a smile on his lips as he responded to whatever they were talking about. You pulled your own eyes away, feeling a pair burning into your face and looking over at the source. Todoroki, who you’d caught sending you looks all night. He’d been like your saviour all week, letting you stay at his place when yours felt too lonely, never asking any questions or pushing you to tell him why you weren’t acting like yourself. You knew he had noticed, if anyone was perceptive it was Todoroki, he never missed a thing.

Kaminari cleared his throat beside you, fingertip poking your cheek and gaining your attention as he smiled sweetly in your direction, nodding towards your plate of untouched food as he spoke.

“Are you okay? You’ve barely eaten.” His head tilted to the side, a small frown spreading on his pouty lips and his shoulders slumping, as if your lack of consumption completely deflated his mood.

“I’m alright, just not very hungry. Don’t worry, Kami.” You smiled faintly at him, patting his hand lightly and kissing his cheek, his head bobbing up and down as if he understood. Of course you weren’t hungry. How could you be hungry when you kept watching him kiss her? It made you want to expel everything in your body every time you saw it.

You sighed quietly and pushed your chair out, excusing yourself as Camie’s friends all quieted down to hear the story she was telling them. Bakugou’s fingers were drawing lazy shapes on her bare shoulder blade, your eyes tearing away as you made a silent b-line for the restroom, desperate for a second alone.

The minute the bathroom door closed behind you, you sighed heavily, leaning your back into the hard black door and closing your eyes. You were on the edge of a mental breakdown, your brain on overdrive to even keep you functioning. You were holding too much in. You didn’t want to hurt anyone else’s heart in the process of hurting your own, but could barely handle the feelings consuming you alive.

Your body moved over to the large mirrors above the sink, eyes wandering over the black lace dress that landed mid thigh. You always thought made you look good. Now you thought it made you look depressed, the fabric climbing halfway up your neck and covering the entirety of your arms, it hugging your hollow figure too tight to hide any imperfections you thought you had. It was a stark contrast to the lilac strapless number Camie had gone with. It only amplified how different you both were, neither bad, but one clearly superior in the eyes of Bakugou.

It was a terrible feeling to watch yourself be replaced. Of course you were never the one who filled Bakugou’s heart, but Camie was slowly taking your place in every other way. She was whose pictures covered his walls and whose presents littered his shelves. She was who he sang songs to late at night over the phone and she was the one who kept his attention when she was in the room. You were becoming more obsolete every second she became more relevant.

After a quick splash of water and a few deep breathes, you adjusted your body to stand up straight, hair pulled half back up off your face for once. You slowly pushed the heavy bathroom door open, giving yourself a mental pep talk as you exited the hallway towards the backroom, aware of the eery silence that filled your ears. Why did it make your skin crawl to hear so little chatter?

You scrunched your face up just as you entered the room, confused as to why Bakugou and Camie were standing and no one was speaking, Bakugou’s back to you and Camie’s eyes flickering to yours for a second, before focusing back on him. That was when his body sunk down to the floor and onto one knee, your body halting all movement.

This wasn’t happening.

This couldn’t be happening.

But it was.

Right before your very eyes were you watching Bakugou Katsuki crush the very last piece of you.

Gasps filled the air along with excited squeals as he looked up at her, Camie’s delicate hand lifting up to her mouth and covering it in shock, her own eyes filling with tears just as yours were, only hers were of happiness and yours most definitely were not. You saw his reflection in the mirror on the wall, his hands holding open the same velvet box you’d found a few days before, the ring sparkling under the faint light. The world felt like it stopped spinning, your lungs stopping all functions as his eyes met yours in the reflection for just a second, his firm expressing softening for just a second before his eyes tore away from yours, the words flying past his lips without a second thought.

“Camie, will you marry me?”

Hearing the words out loud was the final snip to the string holding you together. Everything began to crumble apart inside you, your cool exterior melting away. Her friends had all burst into cooing and clapping at her exclaimed yes, your body the only one unmoving while the girls all rushed over to see her ring. Your feet started carrying you backwards, your eyes burning and blurry as you saw his body turn towards yours for just a glance. Camie gripped at his arm and pulled him tight to her side as her friends all congratulated them, everyone fawning over them.

Kaminari was staring at Bakugou, then at you, then back at Bakugou, Kirishima complacently beside him looking unimpressed. Todoroki was already moving towards you, pushing past the crowd around them to get to you as you backed up out of the room, whipping around to leave. Your body pushed forward, bumping into a waiter and spilling a drink on yourself but you didn’t stop, rushing out the front doors uncaring about the scene you were causing.

You burst out the front and felt your resolve crumble completely, your body collapsing forward as you stumbled out and a choked sob ripped from your throat. You couldn’t hide it anymore, you didn’t care if it was selfish, you couldn’t pretend you were okay. You weren’t okay, you were so damn far from okay.

The air was filled with the sounds of your loud crying, your entire body shaking as you looked around for somewhere to go, some sign of what to do, struggling to breathe. All you could see in your head was Bakugou down on his knee in front of her and his voice repeating over and over.

He was everywhere, you couldn’t escape him. He was in your head making it hazy and in your eyes making them burn and boil over. He was in your lungs squeezing your airway til it was crushed and nothing could pass through. He was in your very nerves making sure you felt each and every touch he’d ever given you then ripped away. He was in your heart tearing out every last string holding it together until you snapped. You couldn’t do it anymore, it hurt too much.

You struggled to stay standing, seeing spots of black as you tried to stretch straighter. The door behind you opened but you were too weak to turn away. A pair of firm arms enveloped you and that only seemed to make your next wave of tears so much stronger. They were spilling down your cheeks and wetting your flushed skin, the cool wind blowing making your cheeks feel frozen.

You gripped at the strong body’s shirt and bawled into the chest, nostrils flared and mouth wide as you tried to get in oxygen. Your eyes screwed tightly shut as you blocked out the sound of the world around you. You recognized the feel of the hand stroking your hair and dug your nails into his back.

“I love him, Todoroki.” You sobbed, the words coming out choppy, trembling lips having difficulty forming the syllables. “I love him so fucking much.”

“I know.” Todoroki whispered, his grip around you growing more firm as he lifted you off your legs when they went to give out. You’d tried so hard, so so hard to ignore your feelings and you just couldn’t anymore.

You were never going to be his first choice. You were never going to get to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much you loved him. You were never going to be his entire world like he had been yours. Camie was, perfect Camie who had everything you didn’t, and now she had him too.

“Why doesn’t he love me? Why does he love her and not me?” You croaked, arms constricting around his shoulders as his hands gripped below your thighs to keep you steady. “Why am I not enough?”

Todoroki didn’t say anything, his thumbs pressing soft circles into your skin as he kissed his heart shaped lips into your forehead. You bit down hard on your bottom lip to try and hold back the screams you wanted to let out. You tasted metal and released it, using a hand to wipe the tears and snot off your face to no avail. Your eyes wouldn’t quit flowing, like a busted pipe that had been blocked up for years and finally sprung free.

Everything was falling from your lips too fast for you to comprehend, every coherent thought spilling out in cries too loud for such a public space but you couldn’t bring yourself to care, this had been a long time coming.

“I tried so hard to be happy for him. I tried so hard. Nothing I do is making it any easier, it hurts to look at him. I hurts to think about him, I just want it all to stop. “ You faintly felt one of his hands leave your thigh, the other hand sliding across your backside to stop you from falling to the ground. You heard keys and lifted your head slightly to see he was carrying you to his car parked near by, your voice muffling when you laid your head down against his chest. “I can’t do it anymore.”

His hands slid off your body as he leaned you into the door on your own two feet, a hand on your hip to make sure you wouldn’t fall, before turning toward the door to unlock it. Your crying was subsiding but the ache in your chest was only growing. The tears started coming back however when you heard the door of the restaurant open and footsteps rushing your way.

Bakugou was jogging towards the pair of you, Kaminari hot on his trail and you felt your whole body start to seize again, the tears returning tenfold as you covered your face with your hands, turning into Todoroki as he moved to cover you from Bakugou’s worried figure.

“I’m taking her home, she doesn’t feel well so just go back inside, okay? Go celebrate.” You could make out Todoroki’s words despite the way you were hiccuping as you tried to choke back your crying. Even when you were having a breakdown you didn’t want Bakugou to know, you didn’t want to ruin his night. You wanted to smack yourself for caring so much.

“Shut up, Todoroki.” Bakugou snapped, trying to get around Todoroki who was unmoving. Bakugou’s hand reached out to touch your arm, but you flinched away, turning your back to him and facing the car as your knees shook, hand clamping over your mouth to keep your crying silent. “Please look at me, please? Please talk to me, stop shutting me out. Please?”

The concerned begging made it worse, he was the reason you were like this. Had he just proposed tonight to make sure your heart was broken as possible? Did he love to be the one to make you miserable? Did he make sure you were there to see it so you wouldn’t keep thinking maybe he could love you too?

“Fucking go inside Bakugou, you’re making it worse.” Todoroki snapped and his figure tensed behind you. Your back shook with each gasp for air you took, vaguely seeing Kaminari touch Bakugou’s shoulder in the rear-view mirror.

“Katsu, cmon. She doesn’t want to talk to you right now.” Kaminari’s unusually soft voice met your ears, the only one who seemed to be calm in the entire situation, though when his eyes met your reflection in the mirror, his face screamed concern. Whether it was for you or the distraught Bakugou you weren’t sure.

“Will you both fucking shut up and let her speak for herself!” Bakugou snapped, the sound of his feet moving making you clam up, his figure coming around Todoroki who was still trying to block Bakugou from seeing you. The moment Bakugou’s face met yours from over Todoroki’s shoulder, his entire face fell, your own twisting in anguish as you started crying harder again, looking away from him.

“Why..” He started quietly, his hands lifting as if to reach out for you but Todoroki smacked them down, yanking open the car door so you could get inside, effectively creating a barrier between the two of you.

“Because you’re an idiot, Bakugou.” Todoroki sighed, shutting the door once you were inside and instantaneously muffling the voices outside the door. You chest was trembling with every inhale you took, hands shaking as you dug your nails into your thighs and squeezed your eyes shut. Everything you had was broken, everything felt ruined and tarnished and sick.

You didn’t feel like you anymore and you didn’t think you’d ever feel right again, not now. Not now that you saw him choose her right before your very eyes. Right after he looked at you did he shatter everything you’d been so desperately hoping for. Your heart you had so willingly given him he tossed to the ground and smashed under his expensive shoes, then crushed the pieces to dust so they could never be put back together. He did it all with five short, little words.

You couldn’t love someone who wouldn’t ever love you, not anymore.

When you dared to glance out the window you could see Todoroki coming towards the driver’s side door, Kaminari trying to tug Bakugou toward the restaurant. Bakugou’s eyes were glued onto your tinted window, not listening to a thing the taller boy said, a pained expression on his face that paled in comparison to the agony in your chest.

Camie’s head came out from the doors, concern painted on her features as she slipped between Kaminari and Bakugou, her arms sliding around her fiance and hugging him. Her ring glittering in the nighttime lighting made you tear your eyes away, the car moving finally and taking you away from there. You shivered but you weren’t sure if it was from the temperature or from your heart rate.

You felt empty, even as the tears fell silently down your cheeks and slid onto the dress that bunched around your thighs. Your heart was gone and your lungs were empty and your brain was consumed with all the things Bakugou had ever done that made you hurt the most. You heard his voice telling you she was the one. You felt his fingers rubbing into your palm as he held your hand and his lips pressing into your cheek. You saw him kissing her and holding her and getting down on one knee. You felt everything he’d ever done that made your heart ache, and all you could do was sit there and take it.

Bakugou wasn’t yours anymore.

He never was in the first place.

And you were an idiot for ever thinking he could be.

Todoroki’s hand wrapped around your knee, rubbing the ice cold skin as you chewed on the inside of your cheek, willing yourself to just breathe. You took slow, deep inhales through your flared nostrils, body twitching from the erratic cries your body was still producing.

“It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Todoroki’s gentle tone fell on your deaf ears, your nails digging into your thighs so hard they left angry red scratches in their wake. It felt like the earth was opening up and swallowing you whole. You swallowed hard, eyelids falling shut as you tipped your head to the side so it rested against the cool window.

You lifted your legs up, his hand slipping away as they bent in front of you on the leather seat, your arms wrapping around them. You had goosebumps risen along your calves, your body slouching into the door. You could see your face in the rear view mirror when you opened you eyes, your complexion gaunt and eyelids rimmed in smeared black. Little grey streaks were spread across your face from the wind blown tears mixing with your watered down mascara, your lip swollen from biting down so hard. You looked like you had finally given up, like nothing in the world could take away the pain in your heart.

“I don’t think I am, Sho.” You whispered, voice cracking as you let your eyes slip back shut “Not this time.”

#bakugou katsuki #bakugou #katsuki #bakugou angst #bakugou fluff #bakugou smut #bakugou x reader #bnha #bnha x reader #mha #mha x reader #todoroki shouto #todoroki #shouto #todoroki angst #todoroki fluff #todoroki smut #todoroki x reader

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Note

Hi can I ask how many parts will little lion man have???

hi anon 🥺 it should have 4-5 chapters! ilysm ty for reading wtf !!!!!!!!!

#anon

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svtkillua · 5 years ago

Text

little lion man > 1

rating: [pg-13 / angst] pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader x todoroki shouto warnings: cursing, lots of yummy angst >:)) word count: 6.8k

listen while you read here!

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ch.1 + ch.2 + ch.3 + ch.4 (final) + alt. ending

The rain fell just loud enough for you to hear, the skies a beautiful but somber grey and the world feeling otherwise silent. The birds weren’t chirping. The neighborhood seemed empty. It was just you. You and your empty apartment and your thoughts. The all consuming thoughts that made the silence seem so loud. His voice just kept replaying in your head, like the soundtrack to the otherwise quiet moment.

“I think she’s the one.”

Time alone with him was like a cruel trick. For those hours you could slip out of your mind and focus only on him and you and on how incredible it felt to pretend that Bakugou Katsuki loved you. It felt like a dream to be in his presence, it always had. He wasn’t just a hero to you but so much more. From the moment you’d met you could feel it, that pull to him every time he’d smile or laugh far too loud. He knew just how to get you to give into his crazy ideas and antics and as much as you pretended you hated it, you loved it. You craved it. You craved him.

Loving him was the biggest mistake you had made. Falling for someone who had no such feelings for you was bad enough, but it being your best friend was about a hundred times worse. The sting when he’d talk about others left a constant acrid taste in your mouth and there was no escaping it. You loved him too much to let him go, even if it meant feeling dejected and harboring the emotions in silence. You couldn’t just give him up, in love with him or not, you were his best friend and he was yours.

When he had met her, everything felt like it took a great shift, not with him, but with you. The bitterness had grown more constant in your chest. You had manifested a disdain for yourself the more you heard about her. If you were pretty than she was beautiful. If you were a quiet song than she was a boastful ballad. If you were a starry night than she was a brilliant sunrise. You weren’t undesirable, but she was more. You were the sarcastic comments and loud laughter that earned his friendship, while she was the beautiful smile and soft voice that earned his heart.

They’d been dating about a year and despite his constant touring and packed schedule, you could see him falling in love with her more each passing day. His every waking thought and moment was spent wanting her, thinking of her, missing her. You could see it in his eyes because you saw it in your own, that all consuming love that left you feeling breathless. The only difference was that she loved him as well and supplied him with the oxygen, while you were left feeling like your lungs were being ripped out.

You’d somehow managed to always have an excuse so you wouldn’t have to meet her. She had met the rest of the boys several times and lately Bakugou had been more persistent about you getting to. It wasn’t that you thought you’d dislike her, it was that you knew you probably wouldn’t, and somehow that made it all so much worse. If she was worthy of Bakugou’s attention than she was surely just as incredible as he was, with a shine so bright it was nearly blinding when you stared too long.

You’d spent your time practicing playing your piano, which was far too large and taking up too much room in your small apartment. It was your passion and your outlet the nights the hollow feeling in your chest was just a bit too much. Composing was your dream and while he was supportive he didn’t have any idea that he was such an inspiration to the love songs.

It wasn’t like you were depressed or wanted to disappear, if anything you just wanted your emotions to go away for a while. You needed a reset so you could go back to being oblivious to the feelings you felt. You wanted to be blissfully ignorant to how his touches and words could make you feel, but you weren’t exactly sure how to get there. You couldn’t deny you loved him romantically at this point, it was useless. You loved him down to your very bones.

One late night phone call when he’d been practically begging you to meet her after his full-day shift finished, you’d been rattling off every possible lame excuse you could come up with. It wasn’t until he quietly uttered those five short words that your excuses stopped flowing.

“I think she’s the one.”

It had been the only reason you’d given in, and the exact reason they were coming over for dinner tonight. It’d be the first time you’d seen him since his last small break from work abroad two months ago, and while you were excited to see him, the idea of finally meeting her in person made you a bit queasy. You could only hope it would do some good. Maybe seeing him so in love with someone else in person would be the wake-up call you so desperately needed to jump start moving on.

The quiet ding of the oven ripped your attention away from the rain dripping down the window, your head whipping around and your lips parting to let out a sigh. You couldn’t let your emotions getting the best of you tonight, the last thing you needed was to come across as a completely jealous bitch. Your body moved easily throughout your apartment to the kitchen, turning off the beeping oven and pulling out the cookies you’d made for later, Bakugou’s favorite.

Your apartment wasn’t huge, but far big enough for yourself, just big enough to be roomy but small enough to be cozy. The far wall of the small dining area was lined with photos. As you set the table, your eyes wandered them, a smile spreading on your lips. Some were small and some were large. Some were sentimental and some were goofy but they all made your heart swell. Your personal favorite was a photo of Bakugou and Tokoyami wearing these ridiculous face masks you’d forced them to try a couple months back. Thinking of it always made you smile.

The place had so many memories of late nights with all the guys piled in watching movies. You’d had your fair share of sleepovers and little parties. You’d written a few songs on the piano here with Kaminari which never saw the light of day. You even had a small dent in the back wall of the kitchen from where Bakugou stumbled into it one night he had too much to drink. He proceeded to sit on the floor and chant apologies for a solid hour afterwards. The walls were practically oozing with memories that made your heart do a little hum.

Your phone buzzing in your pocket made you jump a bit, silently cursing yourself for being so lost in thought. With a quick tug, it was pulled from your pocket, the screen lighting up with a text.

Kaminari [19:57] :

We’re pulling up now, see you in a few!

You quickly moved away from the set table, moving to your bedroom and dropping your phone onto the mattress with a dull thud. The reflection of yourself from the mirror in your closet caught your attention, feet moving towards it without much thought. A simple black sweater and dark skinny jeans seemed to fit the dull weather well, hair flowing down over your shoulders and feet clad in a stupid pair of socks Kaminari had sent you a few months back. You were silently thankful it wouldn’t just be you and the happy couple tonight, Kaminari and Todoroki were coming as well.

With soft click of your bedroom door you exited the room, feet quietly padding across the hardwood floors to the front door just as the doorbell rang. You paused for a moment just outside it, hearing the muffled voices on the other side laughing. Just hearing his faint giggling made your stomach do a small involuntary twist. You took one long, deep breathe, before twisting the knob and opening the heavy wooden door. It was now or never.

“Finally!” Kaminari huffed, rushing inside and nearly knocking you over in a tight hug, a laugh leaving your lips as you wrapped your arms around the towering boy. “I thought you were going to leave us out there forever.”

“Kaminari. I answered the door after like, two seconds.” You snorted, patting his cheeks as he smiled cheekily down at you. Once his arms moved off you, Todoroki swooped in for his hug, his arms feeling much stronger around your middle than Kaminari’s had.

“It’s good to see you.” He whispered and smiled softly as he leaned back some, grip still around you as his eyes peered over your figure, as if checking to make sure I hadn’t changed too much. His body was warm against yours and the gentle smile on your face made your nerves simmer down a bit. “You look beautiful, besides those socks.” He chuckled, making Kaminari whine loudly.

“I got her those! They’re cute, thank you very much.” He scoffed, flicking Todoroki’s cheek, earning him a hard pinch in the side.

Kaminari made a yelp and slid an arm around your shoulders, trying to playfully tug you away from Todoroki and instead into his chest, Todoroki just narrowing his eyes at the towering boy.

“Will you two stop hogging her?”

Bakugou’s voice made all focus on the other boys banter slip away, your breathing momentarily stopping as your eyes finally landed on the blonde haired boy. The grin that spread on his lips as he rushed to you made your heart’s tempo double, his arms surrounding you in an instant. Your eyes felt heavy, fluttering shut as you squeezed him tightly, his nose burying against your shoulder as he rocked your bodies side to side.

“I missed you so much.” He whispered into your shirt, making a smile tug up on your face and your hands hold him just a bit stronger. His own hands spread against your back, moving gently up and down in soothing motions. Being in his arms again felt so relaxing, and to you it felt so, so right.

For a moment it felt like just the two of you. Just you and your Bakugou, with his arms holding you and his smell making you feel intoxicated. Your body was molded against his, a soft exhale falling past your lips. Your back arched some so you pressed into him, his own body leaning forward some over you as he nuzzled against your shoulder. He took a deep breathe into your skin, fingertips pressing into your back, as if trying to pull you in closer to him.

“I missed you too, Katsu.” You murmured, eyes opening and focusing on the gorgeous girl standing behind him by the door. Reality felt like a slap to the face, a hard one that would leave an angry red mark across your features. You felt a bit sick to your stomach, grip loosening around him in an instant as you began pulling away, despite the slight grip he seemed to try and hold on you. You tried hard not to let your smile falter when you involuntarily let him go before speaking, “Are you going to introduce me?”

The moment the words left your lips he seemed to fly off you, hastily moving to stand beside her. She was gorgeous, a smile on her face and her eyelashes fluttering as she looked over at his profile. They looked incredible together, his arm easily slinking around her midsection and her face heating up when he pressed a small kiss to her cheek before speaking.

“This is my stunning, brilliant, oh-so-amazing girlfriend, Camie.”

The way his voice lifted and his eyes shined was so very Bakugou. He looked so proud to be hers, his eyes glued onto her face as she waved at you shyly. You vaguely waved back but all you could feel was the sinking in your chest as she moved closer and gave you a small, friendly, hug. Part of you had been hoping she’d be an awful person so you’d have every right to dislike her, but it was clear she wasn’t.

“It’s so great to finally meet you. Katsu talks about you all the time.” Camie giggled, letting you go and moving to stand back beside a blushing Bakugou.

“Babe! Don’t call me that in front of them.” He clicked his tongue at hearing the pet name, fingers moving up to tickle her sides, making her gorgeous laughter float through the air. It seemed fitting her laugh would sound so melodic, he loved making people laugh, it was only fair his girlfriend would have the most beautiful sounding one.

“Let’s sit, everything’s ready.” You said, forcing the most believable smile you had as you moved away from the door towards the dining table. They removed their shoes and coats in a blur of motion, everyone piling around the small table. You found yourself sandwiched between Kaminari and Todoroki, both boys piling food onto their plates while Bakugou pulled out Camie’s chair for her. He sent you a sly wink once he was seated and your smile relaxed into a somewhat more natural one.

“This looks great, have you suddenly become a good cook while I was gone?” He quipped, you sending a playful glare in his direction.

“Excuse you, I’ve always been an amazing cook, you just don’t appreciate my talents. Besides, you have no room to talk, Mr. I can’t cook an egg.”

Kaminari snorted and smacked the table at your comeback, always one for dramatic reactions. Camie giggled at his enthusiasm, patting Bakugou’s hand that rested on the table as she spoke.

“She has a good point.”

He muttered something under his breath about her not coming to his defense, which only seemed to make Kaminari laugh louder, his whole body quaking as he draped an arm around the back of your chair, using his other hand to push a bite into his mouth. Bakugou’s attention moved back over to Camie, his snarl only getting more prominent when she giggled loudly.

As everyone started settling into their meals your eyes flickered back over at the couple, seeing how Camie leaned in quickly and pressed a small kiss to his slightly pout lips when she thought no one was looking. The smile that took over his face was the most beautiful and heart breaking thing you’d ever seen, all at the same time. He looked so indescribably happy just being near her and you felt horrible for hating it. He was your best friend, you should want him to be happy even if it wasn’t with you.

You had been the one that made the mistake of falling in love with him, it wasn’t his fault for falling in love with someone other than you. You had given him your everything without making sure he wanted it and that was something you could only blame yourself for. Even without ever really having him be yours, you were his. You didn’t plan to be, but you were his, and you weren’t sure you’d ever not be.

He wasn’t just some guy you barely knew, he was Bakugou. Bakugou that would sit and watch you play piano for hours with a wistful smile on his face. Bakugou that would call you late at night and hum quiet songs to you til you fell asleep. Bakugou that punched your ex in the face for making you cry. Bakugou that had cried and cried when you both got in a huge fight over something stupid and begged your forgiveness a mere hour later. The same Bakugou you couldn’t help but sometimes resent for loving someone else, you loved with all your heart and soul. Not just romantically, but in every possible manner you could love someone.

Dinner passed with lots of chatter, you found yourself barely paying attention to conversation as the boys reminisced about touring and asked the occasional question, to which you’d give small but good enough responses. Bakugou’s chair had moved closer and closer to Camie’s the entire time, his hand eventually wrapping in hers on the table top, which you had noted, made her blush the prettiest damn shade of pink.

You all moved into the living room after debating over who would do the dishes, Todoroki eventually grabbing them all and marching off to do them, ignoring your complaints. The living room was on the smaller size, filled with a plush chair and two seat sofa, a coffee table, a tv and your huge piano, which took up most of the space in the room. Windows lined the back wall by the piano, overlooking the streets below.

You made it into the room last, Kaminari taking up the chair, Bakugou and Camie sharing the small sofa. Bakugou’s eyes focused on you and he smiled, trying to scoot over some but nearly squashing tiny Camie in the process. She didn’t make a peep, but you could see her squirming a bit uncomfortably.

“Sit by me!” He pouted, patting the tiny spot of sofa on his right side but you only shook your head, walking past him to sit down on your piano bench.

“Katsu, you’re gonna hurt her. It’s a small couch.” You chuckled half heartedly, sitting on the wooden surface with your back to the keys, arms folding lazily over your chest. His eyes shifted from yours, to Camie, then back to yours again when he scooted so she’d have enough room. His arm rose and wrapped around her shoulders as he blushed a tad but his eyes stayed focused on you.

“Mean.” He huffed. You easily rolled your eyes and looked away, Kaminari snickering a bit at you both. Camie’s head fell onto Bakugou’s shoulder as he rubbed his palm back and forth over her shoulder blade, your eyes staring at the interaction.

It was an odd feeling really, seeing in person the girl who had everything you seemingly didn’t. She was smart and seemed to keep up with Bakugou’s constant outbursts. Bakugou had been boasting all dinner about how sweet she was, something that made her turn the color of a tomato. Somewhere thought out dinner she had mentioned that she was studying to be a doctor, but also loved to dance in her free time. That’s how they had met, outside of her dance studio while he was patrolling the city. You could remember the day, Bakugou had been texting you all night about the cute girl he’d met.

She was undeniably beautiful, with long light colored hair swept half up and half down, side-swept bangs making it breathe a look of innocence. Her light colored dress and white sweater was a stark contrast to your all black ensemble. She was small and relatively thin, her fingernails painted a delicate pink, the same color her cheeks had turned when she blushed earlier. She seemed genuinely kind, not at all like the books and movies where the other woman was heartless and undeserving for the man’s love. She seemed perfect for Bakugou, and that thought made your heart twist uncomfortably in your chest.

“Dishes are all done.” Todoroki announced quietly as he came in after a few minutes, sitting beside you on the miniscule bench. He patted your knee, making you chuckle a bit and nod your head. You could vaguely see Bakugou’s eyes on the pair of you but paid it no attention, pressing a small kiss to Todoroki’s plush cheek.

“Thanks Sho. Though, I wish you would have just let me do them myself. You’re the guest.” You smiled, lifting a hand up to run your fingers through your hair, pushing some behind your ear so it’d stop falling in your face.

“Yes, but you cooked.” He argued, folding his muscular arms over his chest and trying to wink at you, failing and pretty much just blinking, which made you laugh and shake your head. His smile spread across his lips as he shook his head back at you, Bakugou clearing his throat a bit.

“Let’s watch a movie.”

A few clicks of the remote later and some cheesy romantic flick was playing on screen, the sound paired with the slow rain still drizzling down outside. Camie was totally engrossed in the film, as Kaminari and Todoroki seemed to be, though Todoroki kept letting out unimpressed yawns. The lighting had grown dim from the setting sun but no one moved to turn the lights on, instead opting to just focus on the glowing screen.

Romantic movies never did much for you, however, so your focus was elsewhere, namely, on Bakugou, who kept catching your eye and making stupid faces in your direction. It made your heart flutter in the way only Bakugou could with such a stupid action. A soft laugh fell past your lips when he stuck his tongue out at you, a grin spreading on his face when your quiet laughter met his ears.

You took the opportunity to make a stupid face back, crossing your eyes and puffing out your cheeks like a fish. His laugh was so loud and sudden it made Kaminari jump, nearly falling off his chair, which resorted in your own laughter. Bakugou smiled sheepishly and reached over to pat his knee, mumbling a sorry for scaring him.

You could feel eyes on you and glanced over, Camie’s eyes catching yours, though she quickly looked away back to the screen. For a moment, you had almost forgotten she was here, you’d only been focusing on Bakugou. She had a small pink tone on her cheeks, perhaps from you catching her stare, but she didn’t give much of a reaction otherwise. Her hand clasped around Bakugou’s free one, before she lifted it up and kissed the back of it, a small but affectionate action.

You looked away, eyes locking onto the screen and focusing on the emotions there rather than the ones spreading in your chest. It was stupid to be jealous over such a simple action as holding hands, but you were. You were envious and you knew it, because you wanted to have those simple affections and touches with Bakugou, and you didn’t. She did, and she clearly treasured them, judging by how she kept doing it subtly all night when she thought no one was looking. She seemed a bit shy, yes, but clearly she wasn’t as shy with her sentiments for him.

You quietly got up when some love profession was happening on screen, feeling Bakugou’s eyes on you as you mumbled something about getting a drink and slipped from the room. In the safety of the kitchen, you let out a quiet puff of air you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. You felt dejected, like finally meeting her just put the last check mark of the boxes it took to break your ever shrinking confidence.

The tea kettle made a tiny clink when you set it on the stove top, flicking on the burner and staring at the small flames as they danced upwards. Your body turned to look out the window, hands reaching behind you to rest on the off white countertop. The rain had slowed, but the windows had fogged up some with condensation, little beads of the sweat rolling down the panes at half speed. The rain definitely wasn’t helping your dreary mood, your knuckles turning a bit white from how tightly you gripped the counter.

“You okay?”

Bakugou’s voice startled you, your body lurching upwards some, making him smile as he slipped inside the previously quiet kitchen. The movie could be faintly heard in the other room, along with the boys quiet commentary and Camie’s laughter. His eyes focused on your face as he came closer, leaning against the counter opposite you, his arms draping across his chest in a lazy motion.

“Yeah. I just hate those movies, you know that.” You chuckled half heartedly, averting your eyes from his face to the tea kettle. “Thought I’d make myself a drink and escape having to watch any more of it.”

He hummed, bobbing his head up and down in a small nod while standing his body up straight, his hands shoving into the pockets of his tight black jeans. You caught the smile spreading on his lips when he noticed the plate of his favorite cookies on the counter.

“Right, I almost forgot you’re a love hater.” The teasing was obvious in his tone, but the irony of his words made your laugh taste sour on your tongue.

“I’m not a love hater, Bakugou. I’m a cheesy movie hater, as everyone should be.” You quipped, sticking your tongue out at him before turning around to turn off the kettle which had started to let out a quiet whistle.

“Well, I somewhat enjoy them.”

“Of course you do.” You chuckled, hearing his far too dramatic gasp from behind you.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I have great taste!” He argued, the internal pout evident in his tone.

“You do not. The last movie night we had, you chose that awful action movie, remember? I still can’t believe you liked it.” You laughed, easily falling into your usual rhythm with him. Bakugou made it so simple to feel so comfortable. One minute you were contemplative and gloomy and the next he could have you laughing and smiling so hard your cheeks would grow sore.

“It wasn’t that bad!” He argued, but you could hear the laughter in his tone nonetheless, making it obvious he knew he was wrong. “Can I have a cup too?”

You nodded, grabbing his usual mug from your cupboard and pouring you both some of the hot drink. You turned back towards him, holding the mug out, which he took with an appreciative nod of his head, followed by a beat of silence as you both took a few sips.

His eyes wandered around the room while yours flickered over his face, taking in every curve and dip of his features. His jaw tensed a bit when he took too big of a gulp from his cup, his knuckles tightening their grip on the pastel yellow mug when he swallowed. His upper half was covered in a simple long sleeve white shirt, but he somehow made it look expensive. His hair was a lighter shade of blonde than when you’d last seen him, you noted, eyes wavering back down to his face. You were a bit surprised when you noticed he was now staring back at you.

“You got a haircut.” He said with a funny look on his face you couldn’t pinpoint, hand lifting up to tug lightly on the ends of your hair. You nodded without responding, his hand lifting up more to push the hair back behind your ear, fingers brushing along your cheek in the process. “It looks great, very mature. You’re growing up too fast on me.”

You laughed softly and swatted his hand away, a small smile on your face as you patted his chest. You silently noted how firm it felt under your palm. It was kinda unfair honestly, his physique was about as perfect as his personality, which was saying something.

“You’re being a tad dramatic, it’s a haircut. Besides, you cut yours almost every month.” You chuckled, lifting your cup towards your lips to take a small sip of the tea still left in the mug.

A moment passed where he nibbled on his bottom lip, your eyes shifting and watching the movement over the cusp of your mug. He seemed a bit nervous as he opened his mouth once to speak, closed it, then opened it again.

“So, do you like her?”

It wasn’t a hard question but you could tell from his tone it was loaded. He wanted you to like her, that much was obvious. She was his girlfriend and you were his best friend, it made sense your opinion meant something to him. His eyes darted from yours the doorway and back before he spoke again.

“Be honest with me, please.”

“She seems great Katsu. She seems to make you really happy, so I’m happy for you.”

It wasn’t a lie, mostly, she did seem genuinely kind and lovely. She’d been nothing but nice to you all night, despite her bouts of shyness. It was so clear why Bakugou was so smitten with her, she was like a softer, more reserved, version of him. You were happy for him, yes, mostly anyway. Seeing Bakugou happy made you happy, but knowing it wasn’t because of you did feel like a bit of a blow to your chest.

He was quiet for a moment, his eyes casting down to his hands, which had found their way to his front, thumbs twiddling together. It was a habit he only seemed to do when he was contemplating something. You were about to ask what exactly he was thinking, when he blurted it out himself.

“I think I’m gonna ask her to marry me.”

The words felt like the final shove to push you over the edge, your entire body going numb as the syllables registered in your brain. Thinking about him with her had hurt, but realizing it was going to be forever was indescribably painful. You’d never have him, he would never be yours and any sliver of a chance you ever had was gone.

Forever.

“It’s why I’ve been wanting you to meet her so bad. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I knew I couldn’t without you meeting her first…” His explanation barely met your ears, your head moving robotically in a nod as you stared behind him at the window. The condensation was still rolling down it, the sky dark behind the glass. “I know it’s fast but I’m so crazy about her, she’s so amazing, way too good for me and I just can’t imagine being with anyone else and being so happy.”

You knew you should be smiling or at least speaking, but the muscles in your face refused to move. Your mind was going a mile a minute but also not seeming to form any coherent thoughts. You could vaguely feel his body come closer, his presence feeling suddenly suffocating in the small space. His rambling had trailed off as his fingers wrapped around your limp hand. Your eyes finally met his, which were filled with what looked like a bit of panic.

“Please say something.” He said softly, giving your hand a firm squeeze, eyes boring into yours.

You swallowed down the hard rock forming in your throat and got a small smile to spread on your lips, your hand loosely giving his a squeeze back. You had to seem fine. You couldn’t let on that his words had shattered you. He couldn’t know that you loved him the way he loved her, he never could.

“Congratulations Katsu, I’m happy for you.” You said mutely, eyes burning and mouth growing dry. Never before had you wanted him to leave so badly. All you wanted was to curl up on your sofa and be left alone to wallow in self pity and hatred. The kitchen felt too compact with him so close to you and observing your every movement. You couldn’t show how heart broken you felt. You could deal with the crushing emotions swallowing you whole later, for now you had to be the supportive best friend.

“You don’t look happy.” He said, it just barely audible as he stared down at you, the look of panic replaced with concern, and it was growing by the second.

You quickly shook your head, willing your smile to double in size as you pulled his body into yours, hugging him tightly. You buried your face into his shoulder, vision growing a bit blurry when his arms encased you and held you close as he could.

“I am happy.” You lied easily without having to see his face, your grip on him growing stronger as you clamped your eyes shut to stop the stinging. “You’re going to make each other so happy, why wouldn’t I be ecstatic for you? I was just a bit surprised that’s all, like you said, it’s sorta fast.”

The lies came out one after the other, you just hoped they were more convincing out loud than they were in your head. A quiet laugh left your lips and you shook your head some, despite it being tucked against his neck. Your mouth kept moving even though your thoughts were jumbled and messy.

“You’re gonna be such a good husband, you’ll take such good care of eachother. You can’t cook so she’ll have to do that. I’ll even teach her to make those cookies you love. I’d teach you but you’d probably just burn yourself, though she’s going to be a doctor so she could probably handle that huh?”

You knew you were rambling too much to sound normal, and judging by how his hands rubbed over the expanse of your back, you knew he could tell something was up. Your brain was screaming for you to just shut up. Maybe you could play it of as over excitement, or just some form of extreme surprise. His head shook when you started to pull away some, his hold not letting up as he kept you pinned there, between his body and the counter.

“She doesn’t need to know how to make them, you can make me them.” He said, eyes glued to your face as he tried to gauge whatever was going through your head. It was like he was looking for something but had no idea where it was. He knew you well enough to know when something was wrong but this time he couldn’t figure out what. “Why do you seem so…not you?”

You tried once again to pull from his grasp but he was too strong, and seemed completely unphased by your squirming. He needed answers and you needed to get away from him. It felt like no oxygen was getting to your brain and the longer he stared at you the more your panic started to expand. You couldn’t think of any good excuses for your reaction and the longer you stood there in his line of sight, the harder it was becoming to keep the emotions from overflowing.

“Sorry to interrupt.”

Kaminari's voice made Bakugou jump, his surprise giving you a chance to push him away enough for you to move aside. Kaminari’s eyes moved between the two of you, before settling on Bakugou. You could see the confusion on his features from your previous proximity, but he didn’t push it.

“Camie keeps dozing off and we have work in the morning, so we should probably get going.” He said with a small smile in your direction and you silently thanked the universe for cutting you a break. “Sorry, I wish we could stay later.”

“Just give us a moment first.” Bakugou said, a slight edge to his voice you could exactly pinpoint. He was frustrated. Whether it was because you wouldn’t tell him what was up or that he couldn’t figure it out on his own, you weren’t sure.

“Baby?” Camie’s voice caught his attention, however, as she shuffled up behind Kaminari, her hand raising to cover her mouth as she let out a quiet yawn. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, we were just talking.” Bakugou said, a small smile on his lips though you could tell it was a bit forced. He didn’t want to worry her, clearly. You would have found it sweet if you didn’t feel like you wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

You hadn’t seen this coming and maybe that was why it was so hard for you to play it off like you’d become so good at doing. You were good at covering up your feelings, you’d been doing it for so long but this? This had completely thrown you off, to the point where even you knew you were acting odd, not that you could really help it.

“You guys should get going. I have rehearsal for the gala in the morning.” You blurted, smiling and keeping your eyes on Kaminari and Camie, rather than on Bakugou, whose eyes were burning holes into the side of your head. Clearly, he didn’t want your little conversation to be over just yet, but you needed it to be.

You quickly moved over and hooked arms with Kaminari, letting him drag you from the room towards the front door, thankful for him unknowingly saving you from blurting everything out to Bakugou. You could make some excuse up for your reaction later and figure out how to put on the face of the happy for him best friend again. For now, you needed to be alone, from everyone. After Kaminari and Todoroki showered you with compliments over the meal, they gave you an ample amount of hugs, taking turns. Camie than gave you a polite squeeze as well, her now trademark blush on her cheeks.

“Thank you for having us over. I hope we can hang out again sometime?” Her voice came out as a question rather than a statement and the shy smile on her features made you want to scream. She had no idea you were in love with her, possibly, soon to be fiance, and you could only hope she never found out.

“Definitely.” You said with a small nod, ignoring Bakugou’s stare as he moved forward and hugged you again. It felt different than the other’s hugs, almost desperate, his body heat spreading through your entire system and lighting your nerves on fire. The stinging in your eyes started rising tenfold.

“I’m gonna call you when I get home, okay?” His voice was quiet in your ear, but serious. One thing Bakugou was good at was not letting things go, and for once you were a bit unhappy about it. The last thing you needed was him asking you over and over again what was wrong. You made a mental note to shut your phone off as soon as they were gone. You could deal with him once your head was clear.

With a nod and a forceful pull of your body from his, Camie’s hand was in his, tugging him out the door. The boys shouted goodbyes with big waves as they marched out behind them, laughing amongst themselves. He glanced over his shoulder at you just as you moved to close the door, making your heart leap to your throat as he held the gaze for a second.

You immediately ripped your gaze away, pushing the door closed with a thud. The second the lock turned with a soft click, you felt your pain boiling over, your back hitting the wooden surface as your eyes filled with pointless tears. It felt like you’d been dropped in a pool of ice cold water and your body was seizing up. Every nerve in your body was working on overtime but somehow dull all at once.

It wasn’t like you thought you’d had much of a chance before, but now even the smallest hope of it happening had been snuffed out. The pictures of him on the walls were making you feel like you were being mocked and you wished you could throw them all out. The pleasant thoughts of your apartment you were having earlier were gone, filled with disdain for the memories now burning in your mind.

How could you have been so stupid? How could you have let yourself fall in love this deep for someone who would never feel that way for you?

A sharp laugh escaped you as your eyes fell shut and your head tilted back, slightly knocking off the door. The tears dripped off of your cheek and down onto your shirt, leaving tiny dark circles in the fabric, your bottom lip trembling as you tried to reign it in. This all was like the plot of one of those stupid romantic movies you hated so much and the irony wasn’t lost on you.

But if this was one of those movies than Bakugou would have come running back and confessed that he had always loved you. He’d have thrown his arms around you and kissed you til he couldn’t breathe and have whispered how he could never want anyone else.

But this wasn’t one of those movies, this was reality.

Bakugou wasn’t in love with you, he was in love with Camie. He was going to ask her to marry him and they were going to live happily ever after.

And you were always going to be the best friend.

Nothing more.

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