sys-confessions

[sys-confessions]

We will be answering confessions in a couple days. Sorry about that.

Exams took everything we had and we're left with no energy + struggles with internal communication.

Take care.

[sys-confessions]

We are a newly discovered system [not that new but like. 4-6 months compared to not knowing for 18 years? Sure] and a week ago, an alter went dormant [or fused? All I know is that they aren't coming back]. I know it definitely hasn't been the first time, but it's the first time since we found out we had DID and it feels different. Before, there weren't things left behind, and now there's little notes and reminders with their name on it all around the place. It's just weird, knowing that alter wasn't a whole person, and its not like they died, but it still feels like I've lost a best friend now that I'm aware that I'm not the only person in this body, that they shared it too but now they don't. We all had bets on me disappearing first too, is the worst thing. Why do I get to stay here, why were they the ones that had to leave? I just want my weird /sibling/best friend/coworker/roommate back.

-a rant about [O]. I hate being plural

.

[sys-confessions]

im autistic and that makes it very hard for me to leave my select 'safe places' and have new experiences but ive been heavily questioning osdd for years (until the main anp/host who does not believe its osdd takes over every few months and i dont question it for a few months but) and im considering just self diagnosing it atp bc going back to therapy/doctors is so inaccessible (host previously went to therapy but bc of denial never mentioned anything related to osdd so i walked away with a cptsd diagnosis w heavy dissociative symptoms) but i feel like a fraud for self diagnosing. ive never told anyone abt this before tho.

.

[sys-confessions]

We are too terrified to have like half of us speak because we're still in an unsafe place at home (moving soon) and we started reading this one webtoon and about 2 alters split off ans it's like, we have this all the time.

We can't help a low split tolerance and that we're fictive heavy

.

[sys-confessions]

Is it just me or are people just starting to hate using the term "system" and getting angry at people who use it to refer to themselves?

They accused me of being "anti-recovery" for referring to myself with plural pronouns or 'systems' and they got angry because IT WAS MY COMFORT to call me that.

Strange. I have not personally seen it, but the internet is wild, so I wouldn't be too surprised if this became somewhat of a trend for a short time.

Keep using whichever names, terms and pronouns you feel comfortable with. It's ridiculous to police such a thing.

Don't forget that you can block anyone for any reason, it doesn't make you a bad person. You do not have to explain yourself to anybody either.

[sys-confessions]

I worry I’m faking because we’re bodily a younger system, polyfragmented, and introject heavy. It worries me constantly how others might view us.

,

[sys-confessions]

I was on vrc with a friend last night and another headmate had walked into the front room asking if her girlfriend was nearby, headmates and system dating 😭 -🌟

.

[sys-confessions]

We’re a fictive heavy system, we feel guilty that none of our introjects feel comfortable taking front in public anymore. They’re always close by in front room but they never fully front.

I feel like it’s my fault almost, that as host I should’ve known that they weren’t happy but I didn’t. I don’t like not being communicated to and now I just feel guilty for the people in our lives who made friends with the introjects

-🐆

.

[sys-confessions]

Having problematic alters is hard Even after they change the fact that they formed haunts me I don't think it was based off of trauma, so I worry that secretly, without knowing it, I am an awful person

.

[sys-confessions]

It’s prime time for pride and we (as a collective) really want to finally find some genders and sexualities that fit us & we have looked for genders – the only one that really seems to fit us rn is femboy and we know that a lot of ppl see that as a slur when, doing our own time of looking through everything… “rose boy” is used for those that don’t even want to use that term

And I feel like… femboy would be more telling for us, we’re a feminine boy/man — as much as flowers are cool, it rlly just makes us feel like we’d never truly be able to actually say anything ab what makes us feel comfortable w our own identity… and I kind of… dislike the queer communities for that bcuz we also want to look into mspec labels as well, just to see if there’s anything there that also fits us as a collective

But it feels like we can’t and that there will never be a space for us if we use a label that feels right for us, on us, and connected to us– and that’s smth I wish could change :/

.

[sys-confessions]

i am heavily doubting if i’m even plural, like what if i’m just making it up in my head because i already know a lot about plurality and am just jumping to conclusions? but then i consider that i might be a singlet and the idea scares me. it makes me feel sad and upset. and it’s this constant cycle of “what if i’m faking” and “i don’t want to be alone”

.

[sys-confessions]

we dont like not knowing about ourselves, we know we shouldnt dig cause that could hurt us but its getting really hard, we dont know why or if our splitting patterns are abnormal, we dont know why we have good communication mostly except for maybe two of us who cant front with other specific stars, we dont know what we forget or why, we just wish we Knew

.

[sys-confessions]

i really wish i could be open about my experiences and find community & connection with other systems but i still doubt myself so much, even though ive been pretty sure about it for years now. id just feel awful to present myself as a system to other people to be wrong

.

[sys-confessions]

I am part of a recently diagnosed system, and I am struggling with the fact that it took me so long to realize there was something wrong. I feel as though I should have known that what I was experiencing was not normal.

.

[sys-confessions]

I'm diagnosed as did but i feel like its just me in different forms when other alters front. Like if our little is fronting im experiencing it I just have all of these memories I dont have. I feel like maybe my diagnosis is wrong. also its been a while since any other alters have fronted and im scared I may have just been in psychosis for 4 years.

.

[sys-confessions]

Todate the best coping mechanism we have found is thinking/saying out loud "well that a system in the making" when we watch a show and see a child who's going through sever truama ESPECIALLY if it resembles ours....

Ex. *random background kid who just survived a monster attack in a fantasy show we are watching*

*starts feelings sad/bad for them*

"Well that's a system in the making"

*immediately feels better even giggles a bit*

Idk if that makes us a shittie people or if other people find it funny but ayeee- we only do it with fiction (and ngl it has probably made a few background kids spit in our system ^^')☆ BUT COPING ☆ /silly/lh

.

[sys-confessions]

There are times when I am embarrassed to talk to other systems outside my circle and they doubt me because I have "little known" fictives that seemed like role-playing (sorry for having a Homer Simpson fictive /j)

.