#& then testing so I can hopefully get SAT accommodations on Friday

[p0ison-moon]

making life worse for myself rn (meds wore off thirty minutes ago but I’m still trying to get stuff done)

[anastasiaskarsgard]

ok but now you're obligated to write about single dad finding a lady it's the law and I will call the police if you don't

This is an old old ask that I never quite liked, but I’m just posting to clear it out

———————————————————

Alison was at a crossroads in her life. She was 25, a college graduate, that was a waitress at Hooters. She’d always said she only worked there, to get through school, but here she was more than two years done with school, still putting on those dumb orange shorts.

She wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to do next, but she knew that she didn’t want to work Around a bunch of drunk idiots any more. She just didn’t have the capacity or tolerance for their antics anymore.

She decided to take a look online on various job seeking sites, seeing if anything caught her eye. She had a degree in psychology and her dream was to ultimately have her own space to bring people into, that wanted to balance their life, without relying on prescription drugs. Alternative treatments like Equine Therapy, Expressive Arts, Play therapy etc for individuals or families that set goals. Genuinely helping people was the ultimate goal, but she wasn’t quite ready for that yet, so she needed something new. An add for a live-in nanny caught her eye:

Single Professional Parent of two children under five years old seeking live in Nanny with no criminal record, drugs, or smoking. There will be a background check, driving record, and hair follicle drug test run on all serious applicants, to be completed and passed BEFORE meeting children. Email me for more information and I can discuss living arrangements, pay, benefits, children or any other details. I look forward to hearing from you!

Alison figured it was most likely a woman that had lost her old nanny or lost her significant other and needed someone to pick up the slack. She loved children, and she liked that she was adamant about all the tests and checks being completed before meeting the children. That was very refreshing. Her lease was up and she hadn’t signed a new one, so it actually was a great option. She typed out an introduction about herself, her relevant experience and qualifications and decided to just admit to being a waitress. She knew she’d have to include it in her background check, but she’d rather tell the woman in person, rather then be eliminated right away.

She sent it out, and figured she’d carry on with her day, when no more than twenty minutes went by and she had a reply from a Mark V. She was kind of surprised it was a man solely caring for two toddlers, but i guess deadbeat parents could be any sex. She wondered if the mother was possibly deceased. She opened the message:

Hello Alison!

You have no idea what a breath of fresh air your email was, after getting a bunch of crazy peoples’ replies. Let’s just dive right in, and I can tell you what I expect and if you can meet those needs.

I am the sole guardian of a 3 year old boy named Dakota, and an 18 month old little princess named Danielle. Neither one of their mothers is involved in their life which I worry about them, but with your degree, you probably know exactly how to approach that. I work Monday thru Friday 8am-6pm and very rarely a weekend, and would need you to care for the children, prepare their meals, and take them to their activities and classes throughout the week. I already have a cleaning lady, so as long as you’re not a slob, you’ll only need to do your laundry. You didn’t mention if you had a car or not, but I’d prefer you drove my Tesla anytime you have the children with you. I have a truck for myself, the Tesla is safest for kids. It pretty much drives for you and is very safe, so it gives me a false sense of security. Lol. What you do with your evenings and weekends is up to you. I ask that you only ever have very close friends and family over that are willing to get a background check. I pay for everything of course, I just don’t want a parade of unknown people around my kids. You’re room is a large bedroom, with your own bathroom, walk in closet and balcony. It’s not furnished, but I’d be willing to furnish it if you don’t have your own stuff. Pay is $750 per week, as well as full benefit package through my company Life/ dental/ medical/ vision etc at no out of pocket cost to you. You also will be issued a company credit card for any costs for activities you and the children venture out to do, and all the grocery and incidentals shopping. You can eat whatever you want, and I’d like you to feel comfortable. My children need a consistant female figure in their life and I need help. If this sounds fair to you, I’d like to meet you in person and give you the drug test lab forms and get your information to get your driving and background reports knocked out. If you don’t think you’ll pass any of these, please don’t waste my time. My office is at 111 s Main in that new glass office building. We are the entire twentieth floor. It’s 10am now, hoping you’re available at 1pm today. Let me know either way. Look forward to meeting you and hopefully hiring you. (Oh and just so it doesn’t seem like I’m moving too fast, I need a nanny like yesterday but won’t settle when it comes to my children) Although you’re a bit younger than I’d like; your degree, stable work and address history and willingness to take a hair follicle drug test are positive attributes in a person That will play a major role in my kids lives. Mark V. You can text me at 555-123-4567 as well!

Alison stared at the email a bit stunned. The pay, benefits, accommodations and credit card and car all sounded great but it’s a man. She was curious why both mothers skipped out on him or if he did this on purpose. Maybe they weren’t his kids and they were a friend or family member that died or something. Well what the hell. Anything was better than Hooters. She clicked reply

Hi Mark!

You sound too good to be true! I am totally ok with taking those tests, but i feel like I should inform you that I work at Hooters but want to leave. I have given notice that I’m seeking other employment so am free to leave that job. My lease is also up so this works out perfectly. Let me know if you’re ok with where I work and I can come meet you at 1. Hope to hear back! Oh and if I don’t, I’m just going to show up! Lol

Alison Clarke

She sent it and sat there nervously waiting to see a new email. There wasn’t really any problem with Hooters unless they were really conservative. Some of her very liberal feminist friends were very against the place too. She was just about to shut down when a new email arrived.

Thank you Alison!

I think this is going to work out great! I have no problem with chicken wings, and am not judgemental. See you at 1

Mark

‘What if he’s hot? No. I wonder how old he is. The kids are pretty young so he might not be very old. Girl! Forget it! You do not shit where you eat and no matter how hot your boss is, you don’t look at him as anything more than your paycheck.’

Alison jumped up to get ready, thrilled at the possibilities this job potentially presented. The more she thought about it, the more determined she became to see it through. With no bills, and $750 a week, she could save up for her own practice in no time.

‘What if he’s an unbearable asshole?’ She mused. ‘Fuck it. He can’t possibly be a bigger pain in the ass than the guys I deal with now.’

Famous last words.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. not doin too hot. and by “not doin too hot” i mean “I AM TOO HOT OH GOD WHY”

don’t worry. when i realized i would not be able to fix the ac myself (at like 8:30 pm) i put in a maintenance request. so hopefully that will be fixed tomorrow or friday. again.

i feel bad putting in so many orders but like, 58 degrees is too cold and 80 degrees is too hot. please. i’m not THAT picky but it’s so much and i’m sweating all over my papers and i can’t tell if poor snoopy is uncomfortable or not. she spends a whole lotta time by where i have the fan on by an open window.

it doesn’t cool off my desk/bed area but at least my kitchen is a nice temperature.

when my alarm went off i realized that i just... did not sleep very much. i had bad dreams but i don’t remember enough about them to say why. i ended up skipping my first class to try to get SOME sleep but unfortunately i just laid there with my eyes closed feeling hot and miserable for 40 minutes. i was so pokey getting ready for school that i was actually late for my second class despite getting up with more time to get ready than usual.

i took notes on my ipad. it was nice. i like the line sensitivity. i picked up my pen from the mail room in the afternoon so now i can write more than four words per line too.

keegan and harrison and i got spaghetti lunch and then i went to my doctor’s appointment. the doctor took a look at my throat and lungs and stuff and said everything seemed fine but i could take some allergy medication that might help it clear up faster. so i did that. also my other problem with the birth control is ok if it happens once. if it happens three times in a row there’s gonna be a problem but otherwise between missing a day (even though i caught up) and all the stress and getting sick it could be anything.

the allergy medication also serves as a sleep aid and anti anxiety medication so she said if it works i could use it for the whole month or when i start sleeping normally again and if it doesn’t work to just stop usin it and don’t worry about it.

i helped ammar and rebika and luis get set up with the printer network in our building after a lot of hassle with my computer. luis and taylor were talking so loud that i couldn’t think at all and harrison was getting annoyed because i wasn’t using any of the convenient tools that computers have like search functions.

and i took my accommodation letters to both my professors and hashed out the test plan with them. my stat mech professor invited me to sit for a while and then... blocked the door with his chair. i don’t think he did it on purpose but I NOTICED. i got antsy immediately and i couldn’t seem to find a good opportunity in the conversation to leave.

i doubled my score on the prelims! now i have a 22/120 instead of, like, a 10. all i gotta do to pass is get up to ~60 though. but it was a DEFINITE improvement. i feel conflicted about it. on the one hand, i did double my score and that’s really impressive. on the other hand, the score is still total garbage and kind of embarrassing if it wasn’t already incredibly well established that i am really bad at taking tests no matter how well i know the material.

hopefully next time i won’t have the worst and longest cold ever.

i ended up spending like 2 hours hanging out with harrison and drawing on his blackboard. he said i draw really fast when i did a blue in about 30 seconds and i said “yes i’ve always drawn abnormally fast.” i did some base shape stuff with him and he showed me one of the symbols he’d been working on. 

jennica wandered in at one point to talk about the em homework and i was gonna die. “what is that?” she asked. “harrison is teaching me how to draw,” i said. i knew that she knew it was total bs because i was holding the chalk and had been drawing when she came in so i made a big deal out of saying over and over that i definitely wasn’t the one drawing. i think she understood it was a joke.

i biked home and picked up my mail and ran a quick errand (the corner store doesn’t carry the item i want any more so that’s a bummer. i’m gonna have to figure out what i want to do about that. the cashier said they might start ordering it again). i fiddled around with the ac trying to get one of the buttons to do the thing i want but it doesn’t seem interested in doing anything but blowing hot air into my apartment. i made some dinner while i did my dishes... i was out of plates. 

i should be drinking more tea but hot drinks just really don’t appeal to me right now.

then i sat down and started drawing. it took like an hour and a half to do three panels out of the seven on this one page. i had made my boards too crowded because i drew too big so i had to take pictures of my pages, load them up on my computer screen, and then erase my work and redraw each panel with everything a little bit smaller. it would have been fine except IT’S SO HOT AND IT’S SO HARD NOT TO SMUDGE MY LIGHTER LINES TO HELL.

snoopy was a little more active than usual today, at least when she was “hunting” for her cookies. i put them in slightly more out of the way places than usual and it looks like she got all of them in about ten minutes. i’m going to have to bump up the difficulty for her just a bit. though earlier i noticed that if i hide her cookies in places that require using her paws to get them out she won’t do it even if they are easily visible. 

maybe getting all those mats off her underside improved her mood. seeing just how much fur got shaved off her stomach, it was probably really hindering her movement.

a good thing todayyyyyy isssssss while i was waiting for the doctor i wrote a whole bunch of notes about nastasia. since my classmates’ em period starts 2 hours earlier this semester i got to the doctor’s office about 40 minutes before my appointment so i just settled into a chair and grabbed my phone and started typing. i’m working really hard to give these characters a common thread and i think it fits pretty well with the general theme of the story. i don’t know if i’m laying it on too thick or not though. it’s hard to write drafts for comics except for the individual scenes you’re currently setting up. i can’t go back and change the beginning because it’s done and uploaded. all i can do is adjust the current page.

so that’s a challenge!!!

it’s fun that having a group of characters with different manifestations of the same flaw creates such a disaster though. count bleck is such a dumpster fire. 

(i am also a dumpster fire and i write characters that are almost exclusively trash man level of emotional maturify)

GAAHHHHH IT’S GONNA BE 80 DEGREES TOMORROW??? THAT’S THE EARLY JANUARY WEATHER I WANT TO SEE!!!!!!

ok anyway it’s 10:45 now so i should probably start thinking about maybe getting ready for bed sometime. i’m so tired. but i really, really don’t want to sleep. i’m so tired of nightmares.

a good thing that i like about myself maybe is, uh, i’ve been working harder at following up with people lately. i was doing it before, but now i’m trying harder to make sure i ask people how a thing went if they bring it up earlier. like suzanne’s cousins are visiting today. i dunno. suzanne seemed impressed that i remembered, last time i did it with her. but now i don’t remember what it was i had asked her about!! i’m trying to find more ways to show people i care, i guess. as i get more and more sleep deprived though i am getting less good at remembering things to bring up in my conversations.

[kashi-prompts]

Hi! I have been looking for you for ages and now...I FOUND YOU!!! OH MY... everything you write is absolitely magical, I was captured especially by you latest prompt. I cried. Seriously. It was perfect. Absolutely magical. I was wondering. How could Kakashi react if his beloved partner tells him she's pregnant. Would he be super tender or will he hide everything and explode in tears the day of the birth? How would he behave for the entire pregnancy? Feel free to not answer if you already have😍

Hello, friend! I am so happy you found me

I once wrote a lengthy drabble about Kakashi and my OC, Ume Sasaki. I’m not sure if this is what you’re looking for, but here it is. If you’re looking for something different, like headcanon, I’d be happy to write those for you too :) If you just want me to continue this, I would be super happy to do so lol 

*crying* /I just really love to write about Kakashi/.

Some background before you read: Ume Sasaki is my OC from the Hidden Leaf. Her hair is purple, (Ume means plum) and she has light green eyes. She wears her hair up in a bun held together by two knitting needles that she uses to weave things, such as water, vines, mud, into something useful during battle. 

Prompt is below the cut! 

The taste of acid in the back of her throat was enough to cause Ume to drop her knitting needles quickly from her palms. She quickly pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, willing herself to swallow whatever contents of her stomach that were threatening departure as she closed her eyes.

“Everything alright?” Temari called from the other side of the field. The two had tried sparring in the Hidden Sand’s training field before day break. The desert wind blew, scooping up tiny particles of sand and sweeping it across the desert sky.

“Fine, fine,” Ume waved a dismissive hand to her comrade, her eyes still shut. “I must have eaten something that isn’t agreeing with me”

“Do you want to take a minute?” Temari called again, closing her fan. Ume shook her head, the back of her hand still firmly against her mouth as nausea rose again.

A moment later, she was doubled over, her body extracting whatever contents of her stomach onto the desert floor. Her throat burned and her eyes teared as she wiped her mouth, settling down in the sand.

She groaned loudly as Temari came up beside her, kicking the sand over her acidic spew.

“Rough night or something?” Temari smirked, sitting down next to her comrade. Ume tucked her knees under her chin, embarrassed.

“No,” she replied quietly - defensively. “I’ve been feeling like this all the time lately. I don’t get it.”

Temari nodded her head, tilting it to see her friend over the rising rays of sun. “Perhaps you should see a medic soon. We have some great shinobi medics here in the Sand village. I would dare to say, they may be better than your Leaf shinobi medics.”

Ume waved her hand to silence her friend, gazing out over the horizon. “I’ll be fine.”

Temari nodded again, feeling unhappy with the answer she was given. A few moments passed and the wind began to die down in the early morning hours. The two kunoichi sat in silence, listening to nature stretch from its slumber and begin its day.

“Have you considered taking a pregnancy test?” Temari asked abruptly. Ume’s already unsettled stomach clenched at her friend’s words. She shook her head instinctively, denying the hovering question that her comrade was assuming she was pregnant.

“I’m not pregnant,” Ume looked over at Temari. “But thank you for your concern.”

Temari lifted her hands in defeat, “fine. But you should consider it. You’ve been here for a week and all you’ve been doing is sleeping and bitching.”

“Excuse you,” Ume frowned, looking back at the horizon. She felt hurt by her friend’s words, but she couldn’t deny that she was right. She had been feeling moody lately. When Lord Hokage had suggested she come to the Hidden Sand Village to spend time with her comrade and rest from her previous mission, she couldn’t help but feel offended that he didn’t want her around. Of course, that wasn’t the case. But it had still caused her to cry uncontrollably on her journey here.

“He doesn’t love me anymore,” Ume had cried to Temari as soon as she had arrived.

“Oh, hush.” Temari rolled her eyes, patting her friend sympathetically as she cried into her chest. “You have no evidence to prove that.”

“But he told me to come here and rest. Not spend time with him. Maybe this whole Hokage thing has gone to his head. Maybe he wants someone stronger- someone who has the same power as him. Not someone as broken and young as me.”

Temari bit her tongue, shaking her head. “I think you’re overreacting. He does love you. He promised that to you.”

“What day is it, anyway?” Ume asked, earthing herself from her thoughts.

“Friday, June 16th,” Temari responded promptly, happily.

“I should probably head back to the Leaf Village,” Ume stated sadly. “It was certainly nice catching up with you.”

Temari smiled happily, her blonde hair bobs blowing in the wind as another gust blew past them.

“Thank you for coming. Please tell Lord Hokage I said hello when you return,” she said, winking.

Ume smiled sadly, “yes. I will. Hopefully, he will be happy to see me.”

“I’m not entertaining your irrational thoughts today, Ume.” Temari shook her head. “Now, go. Everything will be fine. I’m sure of it.”

The pair stood up, Temari’s balance better on the sandy terrain than her friend as she wobbled a bit. “Thank you for having me. Please give Lord Kazekage my best and thank him for accommodating me.”

“He’ll be happy to hear that,” Temari said as they embraced. “Please write. I love hearing from you.”

“I will,” Ume smiled. “Thank you again.”

********

Ume walked through the entrance of Konoha late Saturday evening. She had barely eaten anything, for nausea she had been feeling had completely overtaken her body. She felt weak from her lack of nutrition and long journey home as she lifted her feet up the steps to the Hokage’s office.

She missed him terribly.

She knew he’d still be awake. She had seen the light in his office that was present from the dark streets of Konoha. Softly, she rapped her fingers against the oak door before a sluggish ‘come in’  sounded from behind it. Carefully, she opened it, poking her head in.

Kakashi sat behind his desk, mountains of paperwork on either side of him. He didn’t look up as he held his head, a pen poised in his hand as it hovered above paper.

“Kakashi?” She offered quietly. Finally, he lifted his head, his dark hooded eyes somehow looking more tired than normal. He smiled, placing his pen down on his desk.

Ume revealed herself from behind the door, a smile creeping upon her lips as a relief that he was happy to see her flooded her. He stood from his desk and turned, allowing her to embrace him quietly.

“I’ve missed you,” he mumbled tiredly into her purple hair. His fingers grazed the nape of her neck, sending goose bumps across her skin. She tugged at his Kage robes, wishing she could be closer to him even though their bodies were practically molded together at this moment.

Their relationship had mostly been kept quiet over the years. They loved each other deeply, that much was obvious to anyone in their company. But the only people that knew how deep their relationship really was were those closest to them.

He told her he wanted to protect her - that if word had gotten around the village, and around the land, and to other lands, someone might plot against him to kill her, especially since she was still an active shinobi. He told her late one evening, their naked limbs tangled under the sheets, that he would rather die than lose another person he loved. He promised to protect her.

Not only had his position as Hokage been an issue, but their age had been also. He was 12 years her senior and considered an old man by most villagers, as well as by himself. When their relationship began, he frequently protested and told her that he was much too old for such a young, beautiful kunoichi as herself. But the two of them couldn’t deny their bond that had begun over such an important mission - her first mission without her sensei, Yumi.

Ume lifted her head to look at him, her chin barely reaching his collarbone. She lifted her hand from behind him and peeled his mask off like she’d done so many times before. He gave her a kiss, neither rough nor timid, but enough for her to know that he missed her.

She smiled against his lips and pulled away, looking up at him. She still wasn’t used to how different he looked without his mismatched eyes.

“It’s nice to be home,” Ume offered, as he gently pulled himself away, sitting back down at his desk.

“It’s nice to have you back home. Are you well rested?” he asked, shuffling papers around on his desk.

“Yes,” she lied, biting her tongue. She didn’t want to miss out on missions because she was feeling a little queasy. She supposed Temari’s determined nature had rubbed off on her over the years.

“Good,” he nodded. “You can help me with some of these papers.”

Ume nodded, sitting down across from him. She took her knitting needles out of her bun, watching his eyes flicker up at her momentarily as he signed another sheet of paper. He always loved watching her do that.

Quietly, he handed her another already signed paper and she pressed her needle to the ink. On another sheet, she pressed it back down, and his signature flowed freely from the core of her needle. This process continued until the wee hours of the morning, the bags under their eyes turning purple with fatigue.

“I have so much work,” Kakashi grumbled, setting his pen down and rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. “It just never ends. I can’t catch a break. It’s just one miserable day after the next.”

Ume looked up, frowning. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

He shook his head, pushing papers aside to look at the calendar on his desk. Scoffing, he replaced his palms to his eyes.

“What is it?” Ume asked, knitting her eyebrows together.

“Father’s day,” he spoke quietly, letting a few beats of silence pass between them. “I miss that bastard.”

Ume looked up, feeling sorry for him. She remembered the story he told her one night, the story of the night he found his father dead on the floor. He was proud of who his father was, but he still felt sorry for what he had done.

“I think I’ll get us some breakfast,” Ume suggested, “maybe that’ll cheer you up.”

“That’s fine,” he replied without looking. “I’m starving anyway.”

“Good. I’ll get you something hot and fresh,” she told him, leaning down to kiss his silver hair. He lifted his head, pursing his lips to hide the frown behind his mask.

“I’ll be right back,” she said quietly.

A few minutes later, Ume returned with two platters of breakfast, both steaming hot as she held them up in her palms.

“Ah, perfect,” he leaned back in his chair. “Thank you.”

She put the plates down on the desk when another wave of nausea overcame her. She put the back of her hand against her mouth and gripped the desk for support, feeling dizzy. The back of her neck broke out in a cold sweat.

“Hm?” she heard Kakashi speak, but he sounded as though she were underwater and he was yelling to her from land. “Are you alright? You look a little pale there.”

“I’m f-…” Her words were lost and a moment later, her body hit the floor of the Hokage’s office.

******

“Shh! She’s waking up!” Ume shifted, her mind like an untuned radio. Her ears were ringing, and her stomach churned. Finally, her eyes opened and Sakura was hovering above her, her expression concerned.

“Ume-chan,” Sakura sighed, holding her chest. “You gave us a fright. What happened? Your blood pressure dropped. When was the last time you ate?”

Kakashi stood a few feet away, his skin paler than normal and expression unsettled.

Ume knitted her eyebrows together, irritated by the situation and Sakura. She began to sit up, but dizziness consumed her again.

“Lay down,” Kakashi quickly ordered her. “Why haven’t you been eating?”

She waved her hand dismissively, “I ate last night. I’m fine.” She felt bad lying to both her former comrade and the Hokage, but she didn’t want to seem weak- that a little upset stomach and some lack of food had caused her to faint.

“I’m taking you to the Leaf Hospital to run some tests then. That isn’t normal that you ate and your blood pressure dropped like that,” Sakura quickly rambled off. A moment later, Sakura scooped her up from off the floor, her small petite frame able to carry things twice her size thanks to Tsunami’s training.

“Please, let me know as soon as you find out, Sakura,” Kakashi spoke, his voice sounding shaken by the situation. He looked down at Ume, acknowledging her embarrassment but shaking his head anyway. He leaned down, planting a kiss on her forehead before the two left the office, heading in the direction of the Leaf Hospital.

******

Sakura’s face was radiating heat as she pulled back the curtain that separated the hospital beds.

“Feeling better, Ume-chan?” she asked, obviously trying to ignore her burning face.

Ume nodded, trying to ignore whatever was bothering Sakura. She looked away, irritated.

“So, there’s nothing wrong, right?” Ume spat irritably, “I can go back to my next mission soon?”

“I-I don’t think you’ll be going back to any missions anytime soon, Ume-chan,” Sakura stuttered, avoiding Ume’s teal eyes.

“I’m sorry?” Ume’s head swiveled back to Sakura.

“You see,” Sakura began, sitting down on the edge of Ume’s bed. “I found something while I was testing you.”

Anger was replaced with nausea and anxiety quickly, “What is it?”

Sakura smiled awkwardly, lifting her eyes to meet Ume.

“Well,” she began again, “I’m fairly certain you’re pregnant, Ume. About 13 weeks.”

*******

Ume sat in her small apartment, staring at the floor. She placed her palms flat on her stomach, as she laid back down on her bed. Her fingers quivered with anxiety as she began counting the tiles on her ceiling.

How was she going to tell Kakashi that he was going to be a father?

How was she going to tell him that he had yet another worry on top of his job as Hokage?

How was she going to tell him that she was pregnant and that the whole village would have to find out that they were an item?

How as he going to take it now that not only did he have to protect her, but now another living being?

She swallowed hard, closing her eyes and she tried to regulate her breathing on a normal pattern.

So, Temari was right, Ume thought. That bitch.

There was a knock at the door and Sakura was half expecting it to be Sakura again, checking up on her to make sure she had everything she needed. She had already brought by prenatal vitamins and anti-nausea herbal tea, all of which were already hidden in a cupboard somewhere in the kitchen. She didn’t want to risk Kakashi finding out before she could tell him.

“Come in,” Ume called, unenthusiastically.

The door creaked open and Ume knew immediately without looking it was Kakashi.

“Everything alright?” he asked, trying his best to mask his concern. “Sakura said everything was fine but you were resting.”

Ume nodded, feeling nausea rise up in her again. Her hands were shaking.

Quietly, he took a seat next to her bed, his long limbs touching the mattress easily from where he was sitting.

“How do you feel?” he asked her. She didn’t respond, her mind racing and wondering if she should tell him now or wait.

Perhaps she should not tell him at all. Perhaps she should just leave the village and go to another. Perhaps she could live with Suki until this all passed and she had the child. She closed her eyes, disgusted with herself.

“Ume,” he began, leaning in. He placed a hand on her head, his calloused fingers weaving long purple strands of hair. “What’s wrong?”

She turned her head, shaking it as she bit her lip to and closed her eyes. Do not cry, Ume. She was going to have to leave the village. Leave him. Leave all her friends and comrades here. Her safe haven.

She would rather feel unsafe than put him through such stress.

“Are you crying?” he asked, his thumb brushing against her forehead. She shook her head again, cursing herself as a tear escaped from under her closed eyelids.

“Whats wrong?” he inquired again, this time, more insistent, taking his hand away. “Did something happen?”

She shook her head again.

“Ume!”  he finally spoke, his voice commanding her to give him the answers. She opened her eyes, staring at him as he willed himself to control his emotions.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered, defeated.

Kakashi blinked at her, his eyebrows still knitted together but his expression quickly changed to confusion.

“Y-you’re what?” He asked, his voice lighter than it had been moments before.

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated, this time, a little louder. “it’s yours.”

Kakashi sat back in his chair, blinking as his expression changed into a million different emotions. He pulled his mask off, letting it pool at his collarbone as he stared at the ground. His eyebrows lifted as he looked back up at her.

“I’m sorry,” she quickly defended herself, expecting him to launch into a lecture about how they should have never been involved. “I didn’t know. My pill must not have worked and I didn’t-“

Her mouth was cut off quickly by his lips, his hand gripping the back of her head. He pecked her lips again, his lips smiling as she realized he wasn’t angry at all. He was happy.

He held her face, his expression the happiest she had ever seen as he pulled away and looked down at her.

“You’re sure you’re-…?” he asked, his voice higher than normal.

She nodded her head, smiling through happy tears that had once been anxious ones moments before.

He kissed her again, pressing his lips hard against hers.

“You’re not mad?” she asked between kisses, holding his wrists.

“Why would I be mad?” he sat back, exasperated. He traced his fingers through his hair, his breathing labored as he laughed.

“You already have so much on your plate and now you have this,” Ume quickly told him. “And our relationship- and your promise-“

He turned back to her, his eyes shimmering with a radiant happiness she had never seen before.

“I don’t care,” he told her, his voice uncharacteristically cheerful. “I don’t care about any of it. Let them know- I’ll protect you both- and myself.”

He paused, shaking his head in disbelief, “I don’t want them to grow up without a father like I did. I’ve lost so much in my life- everything I’ve ever loved. And now I have this- you,” he shook his head, “I couldn’t be mad. This is all I’ve ever wanted.”

[kcowgill]

2/17/17 1.00 mile Easy treadmile, as planned YTD: 153.19 miles 413 days in a row

Because I do squats and lunges on Thursdays, I generally want to take it easy on Fridays. Thus the slow mile. Also it gives me time to do a little lifting immediately afterwards and take advantage of the places to do chinups at the gym since I’m not allowed to do them at home (since those doorway bars chew up the trim).

Even though I’ve put up 145 for 5 at home (I think?) I’m still nervous about going to failure at the gym - no safety bars, no spotter. I struggled with the 4th rep, so I’m unsure if I could have actually gotten the 5th. Why? Lots of reasons. Maybe I don’t rest as much; maybe the weights are heavier at the gym and/or lighter at home. Maybe I was having an off day. Maybe some combination of all of those factors. OK I just checked I only got 4 at 145 at home and 5 at 140.

Thursday morning I had a really low weigh in - I thought maybe it was a fluke until Friday’s weigh in which was even lower.

Needless to say “operation weight loss” is proceeding along nicely.

Immediately after work the whole family went to taekwondo for out belt test. This was different from the last one (and more like what I was expecting. Maybe last time was a fluke). Instead of just having us (adults) individually get up and do our forms, and the kids do only their last forms, everybody went through the whole thing after a fairly grueling warmup. 100+ jumping jacks and non stop/no breaks for all the kicks we’re supposed to know. Usually in class there’s a small breather between kicks, sometimes a little explanation, etc. Not today :) After all that I was pretty gassed and flinging sweat.

Then everyone went through ALL the forms (up to their belt level). Chun ji. Then the white belt sat down. Taegeuk 1 and 2, then the green belts sat down. Taegeuk 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7, then the high browns sat down. (My 6 year old daughter is a high brown, so she had to do all of those - a few of which she was rusty on and got pretty upset at one point because she was having trouble. Master Chung is fairly understanding and lenient with kids her age and it was obvious that with minimal prompting she can remember what to do, so I think he cut her some slack). Taegeuk 8 and my son (a red belt) sat down. Then a few more forms and the young black belt sat down. Then my wife went through at least another seven or eight black belt forms including a few for extra credit (she’s such an overachiever!).

Then it was time for the self defense forms. The white belt did his, and sat down. Then it was another green belt and I - and she was a fairly young girl who couldn’t have been more than 12 or 13 years old. Possibly a little older - I’m not sure. But she was about my size, so Master Chung paired us up. She “attacked” first, so I went through the more advanced forms (i.e. including the take-downs) of forms 1 through 4 (I was actually expecting to have to know more). I felt pretty bad on the first one when I took her down - she looked like she maybe wasn’t expecting it! And even worse for the second one where I had to do a scissor kick take down. Then I “attacked” and she took me down a couple of times, so hopefully if there were any hard feelings she got to exorcise them :) And then no contact sparring. The last time I did this I was up against a big heavy black belt and so didn’t feel bad when I made (very light) contact. This time I REALLY didn’t want to kick this young girl so I was a lot more reserved. My kids did their self defenses decently (no sparring for kids their age), and my wife did her self defense plus the extra credit knife attack defenses.

Finally it was time for board breaking. I had to do a reverse side kick which I missed on the first try (Tom was holding my board and I kicked a little too high so I got his fingers), and broke it on the second try. My daughter had to do a reverse roundhouse and got it after a few tries. My son had to do a reverse roundhouse speed break - they only hold one side of the board so you REALLY have to get it with some speed and power. He didn’t get it after a few tries*. His foot was getting sore and they let him do a non-speed break which he got fairly quickly.

The young black belt had to do a 360° roundhouse (possibly a speed break? I don’t recall), and a running jump side kick (jumping over three kids) which took him few tries. And my wife had to do three breaks - reverse roundhouse speed break, jumping front snap kick, and a palm strike.

And that was it! We’ll find out if we passed our test(s) next week.

* He’s made great strides and I honestly feel he’s earned his red belt, but due to him having highly functional autism he’s got some physical/motor control issues. I’m not sure if they’re aware of this at the dojang, but they’ve been accommodating so far.

[uncle-ak]

What Do You Do When...?

They say; April showers bring May flowers. It is still showering/raining in May. I pray these are showers of blessings because, with the condition of the world at this time, we need to hold on to the slightest glimpse of hope.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month; I used to think it was October. World Mental Health Day is on October 10th. Raising awareness about mental health involves fighting stigma, providing support, educating the public, and advocating for policies that support individuals with mental health challenges and their families.

A sequel from my previous blog post… Have you been or are you on a journey to something non-traditional in your culture, society, community, home? It doesn’t have to be work-related. 

Reflecting on some challenges I have experienced, not directly mental health-related but affected my mental wellness. Background story; a journey to a non-traditional profession in the African community. The first month of grad school was so challenging that it was the first time I thought of giving-up/dropping out. Prior to my grad school experience, I used to make the statement that the only reason I would ever try the Insanity Workout by Shaun T was if something in life drove me insane. Well, guess what, life in grad school was getting me there barely weeks into it. 

It was September 2012, I had just left the financial aid office the third time that week where I was told that my financial aid/school loan application which I completed in July 2012 was not processed. So my tuition and housing weren’t paid for, I couldn’t buy textbooks which cost an arm and a leg and I was pursuing a degree that wasn’t/isn’t “typical” in the African community so who do I call to ask for financial assistance while waiting for financial aid to kick in before I am kicked out of the program? I did have a letter that stated the application was processed but the financial aid office was yet to receive it; something wasn’t adding up. So what do you do when…?

I had about $2000 in checking, about $1000 in savings, a $700 unused credit card, and a reasonably functioning 2004 used car which I drove about 7hours with from Maryland to Massachusetts and the car insurance of $600 due by December for the next six months. I was in a new territory away from family and friends, with no known relatives in the area. I had done some job searching from retail/cashier, to a home aide, to a residential assistant for individuals with a disability but looking at my class schedule, most of the jobs I found were not flexible enough to accommodate that and the locations were all over the place.

It was probably the second week into September 2012 when I left the financial aid office the third time, I found myself at the center of the campus when my binder suddenly dropped from my hand and the binder rings popped open. I didn’t have the energy to pick them up so I just sat on the pavement and watched the wind blow the papers away. I’m not sure how long I sat there but as the papers were flying, I noticed a yellow paper that caught my attention. I somehow dragged myself up, went to the paper, and realized it had the list of resources available on campus one of which was counseling services and fitness classes. One of the exercise classes for that day was… you guess right! The Insanity Workout by Shaun T.

Prior to this moment, I had never considered seeking counseling. I took a course in counseling psychology in undergrad so I had a vague idea of what it was like but I battled with the notion that going to therapy meant I had a mental health condition. Even with that thought process, I felt the need to talk to a “stranger” who would listen from a different perspective. So I found the strength to pick-up my binder and walked to the counseling center. I signed up to receive counseling once a week which continued for the duration of the grad school program while school was in session. After my first intake session, I decided to go try out the Insanity Workout. I always kept workout clothes in the trunk of my car; so I grabbed them and went to the class. I must say it was a good way to take out my frustrations, I kept going two to three times per week for the duration of the semester.

I must say seeking counseling was the best decision I ever made. It didn’t eliminate life challenges, it helped me realize how my thought process amplified situations or how I was self-limiting or how I was unconsciously holding on to the past or holding onto something in the present that wasn’t there or expecting others to act/respond a certain way, or feeling entitled or blaming others for things I had no control over or trying to control things that I couldn’t. 

So the theory part of the grad school was drawing to an end in December 2014, the thought that the counseling sessions were ending gave me anxiety. My counselor gave me a gift with a heartwarming message.

Back in Maryland, from January 2015 to June 2015 I did fieldwork (aka clinical/non-paid internship) Mondays to Fridays in addition to working 8hours overnight on Fridays and 16hours on Saturdays and Sundays. I barely had a social life. Funny how the mini extrovert side of me was trying to override the major introvert side of me during those years in grad school. I was granted a break from fieldwork to go attend the commencement ceremony back in Massachusetts which took place in May. Initially, I didn’t think I was going to attend it because of the workload but my supervisor made it happen. The graduation party took place in June. By August, my classmates were posting on Facebook about passing their board exam and I had not even registered, so what do you do when…?

So I deactivated my Facebook account (I haven’t reactivated it since then) that same month and registered to take the exam by the end of October. In September my youngest brother became seriously ill and in early October I experienced the most heartbreaking betrayal EVER relationship related. It was my first experience of how emotional pain can be mind-numbing. You know how you can take medications for a headache or any physical pain or put heat/ice on a hurting joint and it somewhat feels better? Besides going for long walks and driving in silence to sometimes unknown destinations and using the GPS to return, nothing else helped. 

During this time, I did contemplate seeking counseling services but I didn’t follow through because I felt like I did not want to depend on counseling. Besides I was out of school so I would have to pay for it. I had Medicaid insurance at the time so I assumed the copay was no joke. With that and my brother’s health on my mind, I couldn’t study so I postponed the board exam to November before thanksgiving week because it was the holiday season; thanksgiving, Christmas then New Year. It would have been too much distraction to study including working. I was charged for postponing the exam, money that I didn’t budget for; so add financial burden to emotional pain. The good thing is I wasn’t paying any rent at the time. My only bills were car insurance, phone bill, and taking care of my basic necessities.

Three days before the November exam date, I fell sick and was diagnosed with an upper respiratory tract infection; I started treatment right away. I didn’t want to postpone the exam again. It was more expensive to postpone this time because it was close to the scheduled date. I had not told anyone about taking the exam. Uber wasn’t a thing back then, getting a taxi/cab wasn’t within the budget given the distance and I’m not into inconveniencing people to render me a favor especially since it was last minute and I didn’t want to explain to anyone why I was going to that location. So what do you do when…?

So I drove myself there. I just wanted to get the exam over with. I said to myself, if I don’t pass, then I’ll retake it hopefully with less emotional stress/pain the second time around. I just didn’t want the year to end without at least trying. I don’t recall answering all the questions before the timer went off and the testing screen closed out. I went to my car, took a nap then drove home. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder.

The results were out a week later. I was at work, I had worked 8hours overnight. I logged into my account and the first thing I saw was PASSED. I took a picture then refreshed the screen to see if it will change but it didn’t. I logged out and logged back in and it still said PASSED. I went to my car. I took a nap, drove home. I logged in on my laptop and the results didn’t change. I logged into the home desktop and got the same results. Do I need to say I was in disbelief that I passed? I checked my results for the next three days and then I shared with family and friends. I would say I didn’t feel comfortable sharing nor asking for anything relating to my journey in the undergrad or grad school because I was pursuing a degree that wasn’t understood and still isn’t understood by a good number of people around me. So I had to do a lot of figuring out on my own.

I later received my certificate via mail with the numerical results. I had 450/600, the minimum required score for passing. My heart stopped for a few seconds. Recounting this got me teary-eyed. My journey from 2009 in undergrad, to my unpleasant experience in grad school (details for another day) to the very trying year of 2015, was about to be over… I can’t put the feelings into words. I had some emotional healing to do, so I decided I won’t start the job searching until after the New Year but it dragged through till the end of January. During this time I reflected on what I had learned during counseling in grad school and did a lot of reading on emotions and the mind for self-healing. 

The first week in February 2016, I posted my resume around 9 AM, by 11 AM I had two interviews scheduled for that week. By mid-February, I had two job offers but they didn’t sit well with me. By the end of February, I reconnected with a friend whom we went to community college together. He was the first African (Nigerian) I knew to study in the field, had recently graduated and was working. He had shared some suggestions/resources on how to study for the board exam. It turns out he was in contact with the regional manager of a location where I did the first portion of my fieldwork/clinical/rotation. That regional manager was looking to fill an open position. Per the regional manager’s words during our communication via text; “based on your work ethic during your time with us, you are hired.” I was in disbelief, he asked for my email and by the next day, I received an offer letter. The rest they say is history…

So what do you do when life throws you curveballs or there’s a sudden stop sign, red light, yield sign, crossroad, speed bump, extremely curvy ramp, exit? I think it all depends on the options available; stop and take a moment to reflect on your why. Why am I thinking/feeling this way, why do I want this to be this or that way? Counseling services can be expensive and sometimes the waiting time to see a counselor could be weeks. Last year I took a class to become a Mental Health First Aider; it’s like CPR for Mental Health. I learned a lot about a number of resources, some of which provide options for those with low income. Link

As I type this, I am reminded of a Stuck in The Middle interview which discusses mental health in the African/African-American community; a topic that is shunned in our community and needs to be addressed more. Link

I am generally on the quiet side depending on the topic of discussion so I have come to realize that my silence may give off the impression that my life has been smooth and dandy. I would say it has taken me a while to write in the first person (I) and share this much depth about me. In my earlier writings, I typically wrote in the third person because it is easier and it deflects attention. Sitting here, recounting/writing this which has taken me years to share this experience in this much depth, I have come to appreciate who I am and who I am becoming more now than before. And with that said, may I share that I am working on bringing to life the book I’ve been writing in my head since 2017. Inspired by Achu Ebong Mba (aka Riflex) the newest published Author in town; No Such Thing As Halfway. Grab a copy if you haven’t yet and joint to the conversation.