#speaking of college visits I need to plan for when I go to Chicago this spring because there’s a few places that I’m interested in there

[p0ison-moon]

making life worse for myself rn (meds wore off thirty minutes ago but I’m still trying to get stuff done)

[my-shields-are-down]

Chenford + Chris Returns..

Please note - this is not part of the one word prompt series. I'll be posting more of those tomorrow.

===================

"Well Chris is back from visiting his family in Chicago. I saw him outside the station as we came back after that op. He looks tan and relaxed. We nodded at each other."

Lucy looked up from the carton of noodles she was currently stuffing in her mouth and tried to speak but ended up sounding like a parent from a Charlie Brown special.

Tim chuckled and said, "Babe, please finish chewing and drink some water before you try to speak. We don't need me to do the Heimlich again , do we?" He was gleefully referring to the lunch services the other day when he performed the life-saving procedure at their favorite noodle place. The restaurant patrons gave him a round of applause (freaking applause!) after a chunk of shrimp shot out of the woman's esophagus. Lucy shook her head at the memory. She would have given him more grief about it, but the restaurant took his picture and put it on the wall and gave him a GOLD card which meant free noodles for life. She wasn't about to complain about that perk.

They still paid for their noodles (cops don't get freebies!) like the spicy kung pow ones was shoveling into her mouth now.

With her mouth finally clear, she asked, "Do we want me to tell him about "us,” you know be up front about it like grown ups? So he doesn't hear it from the grapevine? Better to control the narrative?"

Tim sighs. While he loves Lucy's perpetual optimism, he doesn’t see her more recent ex responding well to her moving on within an hour after breaking up with him. Tim is not sure anyone could spin that narrative in a positive way.

Instead he simply says, "it's your call. But i would expect everyone to know after he finds out. Our sneaking around bubble will have burst. Are you ok with that?". I will have a back up plan in place if anything goes wrong, ok?

Lucy grabbed his hand and said, "I'm not going anywhere and honestly, I don't care who knows that."

====

Lucy doesn't actively seek Chris out, so it's a few days later that she sees him come out of an interrogation room with Wesley. Wesley, who along with Angela were two people in the "need to know" circle she was about to blow apart.

Chris looked over at Wesley to figure out why he stopped walking and saw Lucy. Their eyes met and while Lucy started to smile and move forward to say hello, Chris takes a step backwards and puts up his hands to stop her, saying "Lucy- please don't make this any more awkward than it already is. You broke up with me remember and no, I don't want to get back together."

Lucy stares at Chris. Her mouth opens and closes a few times but no sound comes out. So she squeaks out, "Oh?"

Chris turns to face her fully and said, "I saw Gloria - my college sweetheart - when I was back home and we decided to give it another go. Our parents are great friends and we fell back into one another easily. She's moving out here later this month."

Lucy's smile grows and she steps forward again to say, "Oh Chris, I'm so excited for you. I remember meeting her when she came to visit last year and I really liked her. Congratulations."

Chris could tell Lucy was genuine and not pretending when she told him congratulations. He wonders at that. "How are you doing?" he politely asks. Hoping she'll say she is missing him and wants another chance, that she wants him to toss Gloria aside and be with him like he really wants.

Lucy blushes and says, "Well, actually, I'm dating a great guy. We got together shortly after you and I broke up and I've never been happier. Which is why I'm so glad you are happy in your new relationship too."

Chris is stunned but not surprised that Lucy is dating someone; she hasn’t really understood how much of a catch she is and it sounds like someone took advantage of her newly singledom to make her theirs. "Anyone I know?" he asks cheekily, running through a list of possible suitors in his head.

Lucy looks at Wesley and takes a deep breath, "Yes, actually. The new Metro Liaison Sergeant and I are dating. I've known him for several years and he asked me out as soon as he knew I was single."

"Yes, I heard there was a multi-departmental promotion-shift resulting in a new serg - wait.... isn't Tim the new Sergeant for Metro? Are you dating Tim? (Lucy's smile broadens and Wesley takes a step back). "WHAT THE FUCK LUCY?! WHAT. THE . ACTUAL. FUCK?" Chris is shouting at Lucy and Wesley steps in between as Chris starts to charge at her, red-faced and menacing.

At that moment, Wade Grey steps forward and sees the shock on Lucy's face along with hearing Chris's expletive filled yell, grabs each by an arm and forcefully leads them into his office - where Percy West - the head of Internal Affairs - and Tim Bradford, Lucy's boyfriend and Senior Metro Liaison Sergeant are standing. Percy and Lucy smiled at each other quickly, and then Commander West uses his Church Deacon voice to speak to Chris with authority.

"ADA Sanford - you will no longer address Officer Chen. You will address me - Commander West. Are you paying attention?" Not waiting for Chris to respond, Percy says, " For the record, please state your issues with Officer Chen. I'd love to hear them."

Chris, seething with resentment and hurt, glances around the room to find four people staring at him. Waiting for an explanation.

Lucy had moved to stand next to Tim and was holding his hand. Chris lashes out again towards Lucy, 'YOU CANNOT BE FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW - HE IS YOUR BOSS. YOU CANNOT BE HOLDING HIS HAND." Tim makes a movement forward to address Chris directly, until Commander West holds up his hand and stops him.

Percy again says, "ADA Sanford - I repeat - you will address me and not Officer Chen. I will not give you another warning. What are your specific accusations towards Officer Chen?

Chris turns to face Commander West and sneers at Lucy, saying “Officer Chen is a disgrace to the uniform. She fucked her boss and had a secret affair with him while she and I were dating. She withheld affection, and love from me, knowing I was in love with her. Everyone sees the way they look at each other. How she pants after him and he pines for her. Both of them are disgusting and should be punished.”

Commander West says “Is that it?”

Chris replies, “isn’t that enough?”

Percy walks to Sergeant Grey’s desk and says, Mr. Del Monte? Did you get all that? I wanted to reiterate to you that Officers Bradford and Chen’s relationship was investigated more thoroughly than normal because Bradford was her training officer. As I mentioned to you earlier this week, we found no evidence of any wrong doing by either of them. Unsurprisingly, they maintained a professional relationship while in the office and have noted their change in relationship status. Additionally, Officer Bradford moved out of Officer Chen’s chain of command as soon as he was able to do so. IA and HR are fine with their relationship status change.”

DA Delmonte from his office across town, speaks up and addresses Chris directly, “thank you Percy. That matches our findings as well.

ADA Sanford, effective immediately, you will no longer be managing cases based out of mid-Wilshire and are being transferred to downtown Ventura traffic court. Your recent promotion has been revoked and you only still have a job because both Officer Chen and Officer Bradford spoke so highly of you. Please take the remainder of the day to clean out your office here and report tomorrow to DA Simpson at the Ventura courthouse at 8 am.”

The call was disconnected. Percy walked over to Lucy and gave her a hug before leaving. Tim leans down and kisses Lucy as if his life depends on it. He then shook Wade’s hand and left. A blushing Lucy smiled at Grey and said, “thank you” before turning to Chris a final time. “Good luck with Gloria. I hope everything works out for you both.” She nodded at him and headed out as well.

Chris stood there shocked. He turned around and saw Sgt. Grey glaring at him.

“Son, get the fuck out of my office before I throw you out.”

———

[corie-the-writer]

Won’t Let Go - Prologue

Summary: Sophia Herrmann arrives back to Chicago after a long four years away. Wanting to keep her past a secret and struggling to find her passion, what happens when her past decides to pay her a visit refusing to let things die? Will the charming Detective Jay Halstead help keep the demons at bay, or will the skeletons from the past be too much to handle?

Prologue: 

Sophia Herrmann had a great childhood growing up, raised by great parents, with three younger brothers and one younger sister. Even though Sophia was almost thirty years old, her parents Cindy and Christopher had her when they were extremely young. Growing up around the firehouse, going to church on Sundays, Sophia wanted to explore life once she had graduated college. She wanted to see what the world had to offer her outside of Chicago. 

The deal was that Sophia would graduate college, then take a year off to explore what ever avenue she had wanted. Sophia agreed, got a bachelor's degree in education with a major in art. Instead of going to college in Chicago, Sophia had gotten a scholarship to Purdue University in Indiana.

Once she had graduated, Sophia had went to Chicago for two weeks to spend time with her family, and then set off to Europe for a week vacation, that gave her a chance to backpack through the unfamiliar cities, and once she had gotten back to the states, she had explored different parts of the United States. 

Sophia had met so many people through her time exploring. She had met some of the greatest people she had ever come across, and also had met some people she would have never liked to cross paths with, but she marked each experience as a learning lesson. 

Now being back in Chicago, as much as Sophia had wanted to stay with her parents, there was just not enough room with four younger siblings. With not having enough time to find a place of her own, Christopher and Cindy was allowing her to stay in the apartment above the bar Molly's, that her father had owned. 

The small apartment was filled with different canvases of paintings she had created since being back in her hometown for two weeks. Most of the portraits were of scenes she had seen in her time of traveling. Some vibrant, some dark, each fitting to the different people and experiences she had came across. For the long haired woman, painting and drawing was an outlet. Not ever fully able to express what her heart felt, it came out perfectly through brush and pencil. All Sophia needed was to get the emotions out some how and art was how she did that. 

Since she had been back for almost two weeks without a job, even though she had money saved from different forms of work, mostly through paintings she had sold, she felt like she was useless. She had convinced her father to hire her as a bartender at Molly's. 

Glancing to the clock, seeing that it was going on eight in the evening, Sophia put her paint brush down, needing to get ready for her shift downstairs. 

Taking a quick shower to get the paint off of her, Sophia had washed her hair and body quickly. Once she was done, she wrapped a towel around her body, and then her hair. Using her hand to wipe the fog off the mirror, Sophia began to brush her teeth. Once she had spit the toothpaste out, she had started to apply her make-up for the evening. Applying simple foundation, concealer and contour, Sophia had went with a subtle smoky eye to make her dark blue eyes stand out more. Once she was satisfied with her make-up, she had began to towel dry her dark brown hair, brushed out the tangles, and then grabbed her hair dryer. When it had became dry enough, Sophia tilted her head to pile the hair and secured it into a messy bun at the top of her head. 

Walking out of the small bathroom and to her dresser, Sophia picked a pair of panties and a bra and let the towel drop to put the fabric on. Moving to her closet, Sophia grabbed a pair of distressed black skinny jeans, wiggled them on and then moved to grab a white V-neck shirt, then grabbed a her favorite red flannel to slip on, making sure to roll up the sleeves some. Once she had gotten comfortable in the clothes she had picked, she moved to put on a pair of socks, followed by her black low rise boots. 

Once she had adjusted her clothing, she had sprayed some perfume on, she grabbed her cell phone from her bed and stuffed it into the back pocket of her jeans and headed out the door. 

When she had gotten down to the bar she was surprised to see most of Firehouse 51 already posted up in seats around the bar, and some of Chicago PD filing in through the door. 

"Hey..." Sophia smiled to her father who was behind the bar with Stella Kidd. 

"Hey kid." Christopher smiled back as he was cleaning a few glasses, "Can you work the floor tonight?" Christopher questioned and Sophia gave him a nod. 

Sophia looked around the bar to notice that a lot of people had yet to have drinks on the table, so she had came up with the game plan of starting from the furthest wall and work her way towards the front door. Grabbing her notepad from behind the bar, Sophia had walked back around to hit up the first table. 

"Hey guys..." Sophia smiled to the unfamiliar faces, "What can I get for you?" Sophia questioned. 

"Can we get a round of tequila shots and four house beers?" A red headed man stated. Sophia quickly jotted it down and gave them a nod, "Oh and how about some of them pretzels." He added. 

"Coming up." Sophia smiled as she turned to walk away to fill the tables order. Sophia had quickly worked through the first five tables, making sure that their drinks were filled and then finally landed on the table that held Chief Boden, Kelly Severide, Matt Casey, Sylvie Brett, Kim Burgess and Adam Ruzek. 

"Hey Soph!" Sylvie and Kim greeted her with bright smiles which she automatically returned. 

"Hey guys, what can I get for you?" Sophia questioned to the table as three other men approached, her immediately noticing Kevin Atwater and Hank Voight. 

"Herrmann already got us." Chief Boden smiled kindly, "How are you liking being back in Chicago?" Boden questioned as Sophia noticed a tall light haired man with freckles looking at her as he adjusted in the seat he had pulled up, then turning her attention back to the Chief. 

"It's been great so far, can't really complain." Sophia smiled brightly then turned to the three men who arrived to the table late, "What can I get for you guys?" Sophia questioned.

"Can we just get another round for them too?" Chief Boden questioned causing Sophia to turn her attention to the older man and gave him a nod. 

Sophia had left the table after stealing a glimpse of the light haired man, noticing the badge and gun near his jeans, how the black t-shirt hugged his chest and biceps, and quickly went behind the bar to get the tables drinks. As she was putting the bottles on the tray, Sophia found herself looking up feeling a set of eyes on her and noticed the man's bright blue eyes staring back at her for a moment before Kim Burgess said something to him, causing him to look away. 

"Girl..." Stella Kidd chuckled causing Sophia to bite her bottom lip to keep from laughing, "That's Jay Halstead." Stella commented, "He's a hottie." The dark haired woman playfully elbowed Sophia's side. 

"I don't know what you're even talking about." Sophia joked cluelessly, causing Stella to playfully glare at her as she carried the tray of drinks out from the bar and took it to the table. 

Once Sophia had delivered the drinks to all of the tables, she was now behind the bar helping Stella stock the bars drinks, cleaning the glasses and restocking. Sophia had noticed that Jay Halstead would occasionally steal glances in her direction, softly smiling behind the beer bottle he held. 

As the bar settled, Sophia was leaning against the counter listening to Joe Cruz and Otis talking about different food dishes. Otis was trying to explain to Joe what his favorite Russian dishes were, and Sophia couldn't help but to giggle. 

"You've been to Pizza Hut and gotten a calzone before, right?" Sophia commented after taking a drink of her beer and watched Joe nod his head, "That is basically what a Priozhki is, just so much better!" Sophia explained causing Otis to slam his hand on the counter happily. 

"Finally, someone who gets it!" Otis smiled brightly causing Sophia to laugh, "You went to Russia didn't you?" Otis questioned. 

"For about two days." Sophia commented, "Long enough to eat delicious food, site see and pick up a couple of phrases." 

Otis and Cruz looked in amusement, "Oh boy, here we go..." Cruz mumbled behind his beer bottle, and watched as Otis started speaking in Russian to Sophia. 

Sophia watched in amusement as Otis began to speak fluently in Russian, only being able to pick up a couple of words because of how quickly he spoke. 

"I only got, how are you, did you enjoy Russia and something about night." Sophia commented, noticing that the red headed man was waving for her across the room causing her to roll her eyes a little towards Joe and Otis, since the man had started getting a little rowdy with his friends, "I'll be back..." Sophia smiled, and headed out from behind the bar. 

Jay Halstead had been watching the young woman all night. He had been out on an undercover case for the past month, and now that the case was closed, he had wanted to catch up with his co-workers. He had decided to join them at Molly's for a few beers. 

When he had arrived he didn't expect to see a new face, one that was absolutely beautiful on top of that. Jay had been quite embarrassed when he stumbled over his words when she spoke to him, but quickly recovered. Ruzek and Atwater had gave him a questioning look, and he quickly dismissed it to being tired. Jay had spoke to his friends, and when Sylvie and Kim began talking about the mystery woman Sophia, he had questioned who exactly she was. 

He had quickly found out that Sophia was the oldest daughter of Christopher and Cindy Herrmann, and just recently moved back to Chicago after being gone for almost four years. 

With the way Jay was facing, he was able to watch as Sophia approached a table with unfamiliar faces. Jay finished off his beer as he watched the red-headed man grabbed ahold of Sophia's elbow when she had tried to walk away from the table and slapped her butt. 

Before Jay could stop himself from seeing how Sophia would handle it, he had shot up from his chair and closed the distance quickly, noticing that Ruzek, Atwater, Severide and Casey were all behind him. 

"Hey, get your hands off of her." Jay quickly moved to the man's wrist, pushing his body between Sophia's and the mans, "I think it's time for you and your friends to leave." 

The red-headed man let out a laugh, moving to stand up and come to nose to nose with Jay, "And who are you to tell me what to do, my father?" The man laughed in the detective's face. Jay turned to look over his shoulder, looking to Kevin and then to Sophia who was standing directly behind him, and watched as Kevin gently grabbed her arm and pulled her back behind him, knowing what was about to happen. 

"You have two choices, either leave on your own or we'll escort you out." Jay stated simply. 

"Guys..." Jay was aware of Sophia trying to speak up, but Jay did not like another man touching her in the way he did, so he had chose to ignore her soft voice, "This is not necessary..." Sophia added. 

"Listen to your little bitch." The red-headed man taunted. 

Jay let out a low chuckle and ran a hand over his face before drawing back and socking the man right in the jaw. The man stumbled, his friends tried to jump in to help them, but the men from Firehouse 51 and Intelligence quickly stepped in. The man wiped his mouth, recovering from the punch for a split second before trying to throw a punch towards Jay's face, which he had saw coming, dodging the fist, and then used his left hand to hit the man in the ribs. 

"ENOUGH!" Christopher Herrmann raised his voice, pushing through the men to reach Halstead and the unknown man. He quickly pushed them apart. A look of fury was sketched on his face, "If you two want to fight, you take this outside." Christopher stated, "If I so much as see your face in this bar again, I will not stop anyone from kicking your ass if you ever lay a hand on my daughter again." Christopher sneered, "Take him out back." Christopher added to Jay. 

Sophia was surrounded by Otis and Joe, making sure that she was out of harms way as the familiar faces dragged the red-headed man and his friends out of the bar. 

"Welcome back Soph..." Joe chuckled behind his beer bottle.

[nothingunrealistic]

naturally was going "hmm what kind of fins (fish) would young taylor in the bathtub wish for. how would we know what they think would be the best fish tail to have" & then was just thinking of Younger Taylor Hcs just in general. got any you'd wanna share, or like, any faves from what's been provided either as unofficial ideas or via those glimpses of info in the show's text. Fave can be in a "truly enjoy this" way & or simply more of a "truly Thinking About This An Extra Lot" sense lol. They

Boy Do I… first, a listing of everything we Know from canon about their childhood / early life / family:

taylor grew up in “a place like” connerty’s small apartment where “the heat pipes bang practically all night” in the winter [2x11]

taylor’s mom would deem the apartment they rented for her & douglas too expensive, and if she & douglas were shopping for furniture, they’d argue about how much things cost [4x07]

taylor never thought they’d be thinking about living a life where they book private jets [2x09]

the masons’ home is hundreds of miles from any body of water (as shown here) and douglas had to fly to nyc to see taylor [4x03]

douglas figures taylor’s mom won’t miss him getting in her way back home [4x03]

taylor has a sister; when she gets married, in michigan, taylor is part of the wedding party [2x09]

at a young age, taylor was always measuring information around them, and sweet / affectionate, especially toward douglas [4x03]

taylor’s favorite cereal as a kid was frosted flakes [4x09]

taylor was never really douglas’s “little girl” like he claims [4x03]

the first time douglas brought taylor to his lab, it meant a lot to them, and the next day they gave him designs to remake it [4x06]

douglas taught taylor: “don’t just have an idea, build the model that proves it” [4x07]

according to douglas, taylor gets the “unyielding compulsion to get it right” from him, and their relationship was best when they “kept things mathematical” [4x03]

douglas wishes he could have built real wealth / success and given it all to taylor [4x03]

wendy mentions to taylor that douglas has “exploited your need for his approval,” and taylor agrees that douglas only cares about his own advancement rather than being a father first [4x07]

douglas dislikes the military / the government [4x06]

taylor is surprised by douglas quoting a pop song [4x07]

when taylor was younger, the bathtub was the only place they could go to be alone and think, and they’d press their legs against the sides hard enough to make them go numb [3x11]

taylor started playing online poker at age 12 under the screen name ZackCody892 and played up to 16 tables at a time (and for thousands of hours) [2x03]

douglas was fired from his job at an aerospace firm when taylor was in 7th grade. this firing damaged their relationship with him and “affected the home life.” for years, taylor thought douglas had been fired so that the firm could steal his invention, and only found out the truth from his personnel file [2x11, 4x05, 4x06]

taylor has had 927 hours of therapy prior to their session with dr. gus, and that number hasn’t changed at their first session with wendy [2x03, 2x08]

douglas, in bringing taylor food and coffee, claims they rarely take the time to look after themself [4x04]

taylor used to lie to themself and others but is now past that, and knows “how hard it is to have things inside you that you can’t communicate” and “what it’s like to face public scrutiny over who you are” [2x08, 3x02, 4x04]

when taylor reminds douglas about their pronouns, he says “this talk again?”, implying it’s a discussion they’ve had before [4x03]

taylor once got into a bar fight with a high school classmate (it’s unclear whether they were still in high school at the time) after seeing y tu mamá también in a theater [5x07]

taylor was active in occupy wall street in college [2x10]

taylor played poker in college against classmates, grad students, & professors, but their opponents kicked them out for winning too much; additionally, the competitive aspect made them sick (described as “malaise” or “vertigo-like symptoms”) [2x03, 4x12]

taylor planned to go to chicago for grad school and study with eugene fama [2x02]

mafee picked taylor as his intern because they were the only applicant who wasn’t boring / didn’t care about the same bullshit that everyone from wharton or harvard did [5x04]

douglas initiated the visit to taylor, claiming it was because he’d missed them, after not being ready to see them even though taylor’s mother wanted to visit countless times [4x03, 4x07]

taylor is trying to be “everything to their father” in funding his company, and neither of them will be able to come back from taylor being forced to betray him [4x06, 4x07]

wow that’s a long list. and now, my own thoughts and extrapolations:

taylor grew up somewhere in the west / midwest with their parents and sister, who’s a few years older than them, in a house small enough that they had to share a bedroom with her. hence, needing to hide out in the bathtub to get any space & time alone.

from very early on, taylor was douglas’s favorite child and he was their favorite parent — douglas saw taylor’s intelligence & insight (and saw himself in them) and chose to put time & effort into teaching / guiding / molding them, hoping they’d one day follow in his footsteps / support his ambitions, and taylor liked that attention & recognition. (douglas’s attitude toward taylor’s sister is essentially “well she’s here too i guess.”)

douglas taught taylor enough about aerospace engineering & mathematics for them to understand the value of his lattice fin concept, and to generally have a better grasp of engineering concepts than your average (even very well-read) business major / financier. (remember how rebecca knew a robot’s “proprietary” power source was a combustion engine because her father was a mechanic? same deal here. see also: the “smash electronics apart to find the microchips inside and figure out who makes them” strategy; taylor comparing losing grigor’s money to building a turbo engine and having the nitrous tank blow up in their face.) this manifested in both directly teaching them in his lab and in playing games like the silverware-stacking game we see in 4x03, or like douglas throwing out math problems for taylor to solve on the spot, or the two of them solving math problems together.

douglas also imparted his taste in music (which does not include anything new / popular) to taylor, though their taste as an adult (or even as, like, a teenager) isn’t identical to his. this is how they discovered rush in the first place and why they have such strong opinions about The Best Rush Albums. (if douglas had such a ranking, it’d be closer to axe’s than to taylor’s.)

listening to rush helped make taylor a libertarian 😔 that’s just life when you’re a neil peart stan, which of course they are. they admire his lyrics + his drumming talent + his absolute poker face in performances.

douglas also taught taylor to play blackjack, which inspired them to go and learn poker on their own and start playing online. they tried to keep it a secret, but it's hard to be secretive about spending hours a day playing online poker on the family computer. (this is 2006 or so, after all.)

taylor figured out that they were Not A Girl (or at least had thoughts of “hm i don’t enjoy being addressed / perceived as A Girl”) fairly young but didn’t acquire a concrete vocabulary for / specific understanding of that for some time. (if douglas is calling they/them pronouns “that woke stuff” in 2019, he sure wasn’t saying anything clear or favorable about trans people in 2009 or 1999. ditto for online poker sites.)

douglas’s firing exacerbated every negative aspect of the mason family dynamic. he doubled down on pushing taylor toward his field, urging them to succeed where he’d failed, and warning them against letting anyone Steal Their Value. money got tighter, taylor’s parents argued more, and any activities taylor was in (like, say, swimming at the ymca) that required payment got cut; they may have figured out how to make money (illegally!) from online poker at this point. the combined stress of financial instability, being torn between pursuing their own ambitions and fulfilling douglas’s expectations for them, and increasing Gendered Expectations in general — plus the whole “playing online poker for hours a day” thing — probably put taylor in therapy within a few months, if they weren’t in therapy already. (how did their parents pay for it? i don’t know either.)

stealing this from that interview asia & brian & david did in 2017: if taylor had not already taught themself to think and speak directly & incisively and look people in the eye when they talk, et cetera, it started here, whether in therapy or on their own time.

taylor went to college in new york city. douglas did not want them to do this, for a number of reasons, and would have preferred they stick closer to home (and study something other than finance), but doing so would have made them miserable.

by the time they finished high school (circa 2012), taylor had properly heard of trans people and figured that they were somehow One Of Them, but not until college did they hear of people being nonbinary and go “ohhhh yeah that’s me.” (they’d also gotten a Short Haircut in high school, but didn’t go full buzzcut until college. unsurprisingly, they got some shit in high school for being Visibly gnc.)

for some period of time while figuring out their gender situation, taylor went by the name neil as a nod to neil peart. (it’s fun to imagine that they still have a faceless twitter / tumblr account where they go by neil. doubles as a way to prevent anyone connecting it to their real life.)

taylor came out to their family while in college. their mom and sister had fairly similar reactions of “well i don’t Get this exactly, but i love you and want to support you and i’m sure you know what you're talking about better than i do and you did clearly hate it every time i urged you to conform to Standards Of Womanhood so sure i can call you Them and my [child / sibling] :)” given some time to think about it. douglas… well. if he’s starting from a place of “i don’t get this,” he’ll end up at “so it must be wrong and stupid, because i’m always right,” especially if This = his favorite child being different in some significant way from who / what he thought they were. obviously he doesn’t react well or supportively, and the strain in his relationship with taylor tips over into full-blown estrangement. bad times for everyone.

if taylor’s bar fight happened when they were old enough to legally enter a bar, it happened after coming out to their family (also after the live poker fiasco), and before making plans for grad school / internships. most likely it was on a summer break they were spending back in their hometown. (another fun thought: taylor seeing the video of axe punching a guy, just weeks after they punched a guy, and going “well maybe i should work for him.”)

if douglas was at taylor’s sister’s wedding (and maybe he wasn’t!), it was awkward for everyone when he and taylor crossed paths again. barest of pleasantries, passive-aggressive comments, et cetera. naturally, it took a few more years — and douglas realizing that taylor, now being fairly wealthy and successful, could probably fund his dream project if they didn’t hate him — for him to decide to visit them.

[withcolebrock]

Let’s Go Home

Enjoy!!

Warnings: Swearing?

Word count: 1,963

Authors Note: This is my first writing in like forever, so it’s not my best work but I hope you still enjoy it! Also, I got this idea from a Shawn Mendes imagines eek

Her head rests against the passenger side window as her eyes stare at the droplets of rain streaming down the rental car. The soft music playing creates a comfortable silence between her and Colby as the two drive down the crowded streets of Chicago. It has been over a year since she has come home to visit her parents because her schedule has been overwhelmingly busy. But mostly, she was avoiding them due to the last time she had visited home. Her parents always found problems with her career and her reasonings for living in LA. They never felt like what she was doing was enough for them.

Absentmindedly, her leg begins to shake anxiously. The idea of seeing her parents gave her a pit in her stomach. The trip is only going to be a couple days, and then Y/N will be back in LA. Her happy place. “Baby, it’s gonna be alright,” Colby said resting his hand on her shaking leg. She looks towards him, watching him shift his attention towards her and then back to the road. She admires the subtle smile against his lips. “I promise I’ll be with you the entire time,” She looks away from him while taking a hold of his hand holding her thigh. His eyes linger on her for a few seconds as they sit at a red light. The small smile grows bigger as each second goes on.

Clearing her mind, she plays with Colby’s rings on his fingers, while tracing random shapes on the top of his hand. Knowing he was here with her, made everything slightly easier. After an hour of driving, they finally reach her childhood home. The home that still looks the same from when she was little. Once in the driveway, Colby turns his body facing towards her. Playfully, he taps her leg a couple of times to tell her to do the same thing as him. She fights off a smile as she takes off her seatbelt and turns her body towards him.

“It’s only 48 hours,” He smiled reaching his hand towards her as she reached for his. He ran his thumb over her hand for a couple of seconds, trying to be as reassuring as possible. He grabs his phone and disconnects it from the charger, “Ready, babe?” he asked. She nodded slowly before pulling the car door open and walking to the trunk of the car. Colby was already standing pulling out the two bags from the trunk. He placed the bags onto the ground and slammed the trunk shut. His eyes fall onto hers, while he places his hands around her waist. She looks up at him pouting her lips.

“Do we have to?” She questioned with her voice barely above a whisper. He placed one of his hands under her chin to lift up her head. His eyes look over her pouting features and leans down slowly to press his lips against hers.

He pulls away, “Only 48 hours, baby,” He quickly presses his lips to her forehead before taking a hold of the two bags. He handed her bag to her and kept walking forward. A loud, a bit dramatic, sigh leaves her lips as she reluctectly follows Colby towards the front door. A chuckle falls from Colby’s lips as he shakes his head. Once at the door, Colby knocks on the door and they wait for her parents to open it.

A pit rises in her stomach as the sound of her dogs begin to bark inside the house. She takes in a shakey breath as loud shouts are heard from inside the house, to silence the dogs. She looked towards the blue haired boy standing beside her, his eyes were already looking towards her. As she meets his eyes the door swings open to reveal her mother. “My lovely daughter-” she cheers as she reaches out to hug Y/N but quickly stops herself, “And the boy,” She scrunches her nose as she pulls her arms back towards herself. She gestures to let them both inside, as she continues to walk away from the door leaving them standing outside.

He rests his hand on her lower back as he lightly pushes her inside the house. “I’m sorry,” Y/N breathes as they both walk inside slowly. He leans his head down and presses his lips to the top of her head.

“Don’t be,” he whispered as they followed her mom into the kitchen. Y/N forced a smile to her lips as she felt Colby’s hand lift from her back. As they entered the kitchen she saw her mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law standing around. Her mother was pouring a glass of wine, while the rest of her family already had drinks in their hands.

“Look it’s my daughter who abandoned me,” her father smiled as he walked over to give her a hug. Colby stepped to the side letting her father hug Y/N while grabbing her bag from her grasp. Her sister, Nikki, told Colby she can take the bags for him. He politely gave the bags to her.

“Uhm, hi Dad,” her voice cracked as the words left her lips, she leaned up and returned the hug to her father. As she pulled away her eyes darted towards Colby, he nodded in reassurance. Her father’s eyebrows furrowed together and chuckled softly.

“Oh, get that look off your face, it’s only appropriate since we haven’t seen you in over a year,” He said walking back to the stool he was previously sitting at. Clenching her jaw, she forced a tight lipped smile.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t-”

“Y/N and Colby just got here, let’s not get into it please,” Nikki voiced, “How about you get your stuff settled in your old room sis?” Nikki raised her eyebrows while leaning her head towards the hallway that leads to her room.

“Yeah, I’ll um-” Y/N whispered as she started walking towards the room while Colby followed. She opened the door and began to pace in the middle of her room. Colby quietly closed the door behind him. Walking towards her his eyes follow her movements.

“Y/N, baby,” He breathed out while he stood with his hands rested on his hips. She ignores him but stops herself from pacing while keeping her head low. “We can leave, we can just walk right out that door,”

“I can’t and you know that Colby, I just need a minute,” She interrupts him while she looks up into his blue eyes. His eyes shined brighter with his recently blue hair, giving her comfort. She takes in a deep breath as she wraps her arms around Colby. Without hesitation he wraps his arms around her while resting his chin on top of her head.

After a couple of minutes go by, a hesitant knock hits her old bedroom door. Y/N pulls herself away from Colby and she pulls open the door. Nikki stands outside of the door holding her phone in one hand and the other still hanging in the air. “Dinner is ready, Mom told me to come grab you two,” She sighed before glancing towards Colby and walking back towards the kitchen.

~~~

For the first half of dinner, it was filled with awkward silence. Most of the conversations were surrounding her sister and her wedding in a couple of months. She kept her head down looking at her food; she only took bites of every so often. “Y/N are you planning on coming home for your sister’s wedding?” her mother asked her. Y/N lifted her attention towards her mother sitting a couple of seats away from her. The only thing keeping her sane was Colby holding her hand. Every so often he would squeeze her hand creating a small smile to her features.

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it,” She responded while using her fork to grab another piece of chicken from her plate. She smiled towards her sister before taking a bite of the food. Her sister returned the smile, happily. Her mother huffed dramatically while rolling her eyes.

“I’m surprised you are able to come since you have that super busy schedule,” her mother’s tone laced in sarcasm. “What is it exactly that is keeping you busy? Because it seems like to me that you just make a little video and then, I don’t know, sleep for the rest of the day,”

“It’s more complicated than that, I-” her voice is barely above a whisper.

“No, I don’t think it is because to me, you are just sitting on your ass all day and not working hard for anything. And you expect everything to just work in your favor and I didn’t raise a daughter to be lazy,” her mother interrupts her with anger evident in her tone.

“I don’t expect everything-” her eyes begin to fill with tears but every part of her is fighting against them. Colby’s hand held tighter around hers, his thumb running along the back of her hand hesitantly.

“Honey, you know we love you but we want to see you successful and not throwing your life away like this,” her father said nonchalantly. He avoided her eyes as he took another bite of his food.

“She’s not-” Colby tried to speak up but her father continued. He looked away while licking his lips.

“Look at your sister, she graduated from college and is getting married. She has a perfect job, and she makes great money. She is exactly who you should want to be,” His words fell from his lips quickly as he chewed his food.

“I like my job, I’m happy with my life-” her voice cracked as she fought the urge to start crying.

“Happy? How can you be happy living a life like that?” Her mother interjected, with her voice raised.

“For fuck sake, why do you think she hasn’t come back here in over a year? Or why does she only call you once every two weeks? It’s because you walk all over her like a damn doormate. Why does it fucking matter what her job is or how she is living her life, if she is happy?! She is your daughter, why can’t you just be proud of her?!” Colby shouts as he slams his free hand on the table causing everyone to jump, even Y/N.

“Who the hell do you think you are, coming into my house speaking to me like that?” her father stands up shouting towards Colby.

“No, who do you think you are talking to her like that?! She is the love of my life and I hate when people treat her like she is anything less than perfect! An-And she’s not throwing her life away, she is more fucking successful than any of you will ever be. She has done everything to try to make you two proud of her and I’m done sitting here and allowing you guys to treat her like shit. And now I’m taking her home, Y/N,” Colby stands up, still holding her hand, while he walks towards her old bedroom. Without an ounce of hesitation she follows him allowing the tears she has been fighting against all night fall.

As they enter her old bedroom he closes the door behind them. His eyes land onto her teary eyes and he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t sit there anymore,” His eyes looked deeply into hers.

“No, thank you,” She whispers as she quickly wraps her arms around him. Suddenly soft sobs leave her lips as she feels Colby’s arms wrap around her.

“Let's go home,” he whispers as he presses his lips to the top of her head.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WORK ETHIC AND RETROSPECT

There are two things you need initially: an idea and cofounders. The sharpest criticism of YC came from a founder who said we didn't focus enough on customer acquisition: YC preaches make something people want is the destination, but Be relentlessly resourceful is the recipe for success in writing or painting, for example. It's not something you could hand to someone else to execute. Customers loved us. And so it proved this summer. Especially the type, all too common then, that was an anomaly—a unique combination of circumstances that compressed American society not just economically but culturally too.1 And I don't think there's any limit to the number who could be employed by small, fast-moving, lightweight VC fund.2 One of the best places to do this was at trade shows.3 That's made harder by the fact that the founders of Google knew, brand is worth next to nothing in the search business. In software, it means you should give users a few basic elements that they can combine as they wish, like Lego. The reason VCs seem formidable is that it's more preposterous to claim about anywhere else.

They're in a different world. But you can't have action without an equal and opposite reaction. A sinecure is, in the spam I got from botnets.4 I felt that sheepish feeling you get when you offer someone something worthless. We felt like our role was to be driven by genuine curiosity, not some ulterior motive. It may be that a significant number who get rich tend to be owned by one of them. This proves something a lot of people who visit your site will be casual visitors. People just don't seem to be very good at business or have any kind of special training.

In 1960, John McCarthy published a remarkable paper in which he did for programming something like what Euclid did for geometry.5 Because investors are so bad at judging you, you should either learn how or find a co-founder who can. But when I finally tried living there for a bit, but you had no choice in the matter, if you love life, don't waste time, because time is what life is made of. Us build this thing to make money from one of these centers. That yields all sorts of plausible justifications. I'm not writing here about Java which I have never used but about hacker's radar which I have never had to use CLOS. And it must have powerful libraries for server-based applications. Because so little money is involved.

Stephen Hawking's editor told him that every equation he included in his book would cut sales in half. What makes the answer appear is letting your thoughts drift.6 Microsoft's death: everyone can see the evolution of book publishing in the books on my shelves. I just explained: startups take over your life to a degree you cannot imagine.7 There is a kind of business plan for a new Lisp.8 In retrospect, it would seem crazy to most people outside the US. But negative lessons are just as backward as search was before Google. It's surprising how much different fields' ideas of beauty have in common is that they can't force anyone to do deals with them. And because I wasn't paying attention, I didn't notice when the shadow disappeared.9

The bad news is that I don't think fast code comes primarily from things you do.10 And they are a classic example of the dangers of deciding what programmers are allowed to want. Does anyone who wants to use your system in their whole company won't. The third reason you need them, and I got in reply what was then the party line about it: that Yahoo was no longer a mere search engine. Anyone who can write an optimizing compiler can design a UI that doesn't confuse users, once they choose to focus on that problem.11 Your tastes will change. I had bought the hype of the startup world want to believe this comes from the city's prudent Yankee character. And in startup hubs they understand it.12

Notes

Treating high school kids arrive at college with a woman who, because what they're capable of.

7% of American kids attend private, non-broken form, that it even seemed a plausible excuse.

What drives the most important information about competitors is what the editors will have a lot easier now for a startup is a case of the world barely affects me. And you should be clear.

The dictator in the mid 1980s. Back when students focused mainly on getting a job where you have no idea how much they lied to them unfair that things don't work the upper middle class first appeared in northern Italy and the super-angels tend not to. Google's revenues are about two billion a year for a long time by sufficiently large numbers of users to observe—e. Einstein, Princeton University Press, 2005.

I'm claiming with the amount—maybe not linearly, but all they could attribute to the year x in a spiral.

5% of Apple now January 2016 would be taught that masturbation was perfectly normal and not others, no one is going to call the years after 1914 a nightmare than to call all our lies lies. 94 says a 1952 study of rhetoric was inherited directly from Rome. And no, unfortunately, I can imagine what it can buy. And if you did so, or Seattle, 4 in DC, 6 in Chicago, 8 in London, 13 in New York, and no doubt partly because it was so widespread and so effective that I'm skeptical whether economic inequality, and how good you are not in 1950 something one could reasonably be with children, with number replaced by gender.

Anyone can broadcast a high-minded Edwardian child-heroes of Edith Nesbit's The Wouldbegoods.

54 million, and FreeBSD 1.

I wouldn't say that it offers a vivid illustration of that. Or lack of results achieved by alchemy and saying its value was as a high product of number of big companies, but the nature of the big winners if they do the opposite: when we created pets. Odds are people in the top and get pushed down by new arrivals.

In some cases the writing teachers were transformed in situ into English professors. Google and Facebook are driven by money—for example, being a doctor. Indifference, mainly. Because they want to get great people.

You leave it to get kids into better colleges, I mean no more than most people will pay for health insurance derives from efforts by businesses to use those solutions. I was not in the old version, I didn't need to run on the group's accumulated knowledge.

And while they think the main effect of low salaries as the web was going to eat a sheep in the time it would have turned out to coincide with other investors doing so because otherwise you'd be surprised how often have valuation caps, a proper open-source projects now that VCs may begin to conserve board seats by switching to what you learn via users anyway.

Thanks to Robert Morris, Alex Lewin, Peter Norvig, Geoff Ralston, Jackie McDonough, Aaron Iba, and Cameron Robertson for inviting me to speak.

[naomixhill]

“Aren’t you the one who got expelled from DeSales?” These were the first words that you said to me as you approached me at David’s bonfire in 2011. We were seventeen years old. A group of us came here after a Friday night football game. There were a handful of neighborhoods in our village, perhaps five important ones, but the one we were in that night was the best – the one where sophistication meets elegance meets English-inspired architecture. There was a twenty-seven Jack Nicklaus golf course in front of David’s home. Inside the house was a grand reception room, medium sized ballroom, martini parlor, two dueling libraries, a small art gallery, and a wine cellar. Throughout the home, opulence of the tenth degree: marble floors and 18’ high ceilings and two servants. Just beyond where I was sitting, there was a heated pool, veranda, and small tennis court. Jews get everything. This whole village was Jews, new money snobs, and plastic surgery. But I never minded.

 You repeated the question, “Hellooooo, Naomi, right?” I looked up at you with red, glossy eyes. I was stoned, and David’s two servants had been serving Cabernet since we got there. I smirked, raised my head at you, and said, “Who’s asking?” You extended your hand and introduced yourself with the charismatic, all consuming smile that I would one day become familiar. I did not return the warm reception; I had a magical sadness about me that year that began with the death of my rapist and ended with my name being the topic of more than one scandal. I hardly remember much of the year at all, but I remember meeting you there that night. In That Place.

 You acted like you were meeting a celebrity. You mentioned a few of the rumors that spread around DeSales about me, most of which were incredibly true, and I told you that night, “It doesn’t matter what people say about you unless you believe it.” You told me that you had just transferred to the village school and that you were incredibly lucky: You lived in a modest home on the edge of town that had not been seized by Wexner for further construction of his brick empire. I was completely awestricken by you. You were so bold, so empowered to speak truth, so nonchalant in the way you spoke, and had this magnetic flowerchild persona. If it hadn’t been for you that night, I would have drank alone at the firepit of David’s home. It was true that I was still frequently invited to events that year and next, but I was never really one of these people and I always remained on the outskirts of parties and social gatherings. When the night ended, I told you not to talk to me again. You needed a fighting chance to assimilate in this odd, wealthy village school that was more reminiscent of an episode of Gossip Girl than a place in Ohio. You were never going to get that if you associated with me.

                                                       ~

We reconnected in February 2014. It was a historically brutal winter in Ohio, frequently closing down the university, and I was frailer at 106 lbs, more contemplative, and battling an autoimmune disorder that was so severe that I was sure it would have killed me. Looking back on it now, there is no doubt in my mind that your antithesis to everything that I was saved me. From the moment we reconnected, there was rarely a moment that we were apart. Every morning, you held back my hair as I spent the morning vomiting into a dormitory toilet. When I would try to crawl back into bed, you would force me into a warm bath, lay out clothes for me, and often blow-dry my hair when I was too weak to do so myself. Without fail, and for the entire semester, you would walk me to the cafeteria, watch me eat breakfast, and we would undoubtedly end up back on the bathroom floor for several more hours. But you’d still make sure that I attended my afternoon classes, even if that meant sitting on the business halls’ floors in effort to see that I didn’t leave. You were the only person who knew how bad my health had gotten that year.

 Because to everyone else, I was confident and had accomplished in my studies precisely what I had in my social circle of business students—complete mastery, complete command. I was fastidious, wearing almost exclusively Brooks Brothers button downs that tucked into dark colored slacks or designer jeans, and carried myself with an air of superiority that few ever questioned. In school and in the finance society, I was the best. I maintained a portfolio of investments that had achieved a 56% return that year, and when I shared my opinion on what our club should be investing in, I was rarely wrong. It awed some, and frustrated many male egos that couldn’t understand it. I was an excellent financial analyst to be, interviewing at several bulge bracket investment banks in New York and Chicago that year. And when anyone questioned me or alluded that I couldn’t possibly being doing as well as I was, I would raise my prominent nose nostrils at them and say nothing at all.

 I didn’t dress, walk, talk, or play like other college students did. I was incredibly aloof and malicious, whereas you were a never-ending ray of sunshine. You were bohemian and buoyant and wise all wrapped into a blonde package of beauty. My persona was much more overpowering and chilling. Yet, you liked me, and you held my secret, and no one ever questioned why you—the special education major—were in the business hall at 2 pm, 4 pm, 8 pm, and 10 pm everyday. In fact, most of my companions that year really preferred you to me and it was often a relief to have you there as a shield.

 In the summer of 2015, we moved into an off campus apartment in what would be considered the Chinatown of Columbus, Ohio. With my full-time job in financial services and lucrative investments from the prior year, I had tried to convince you to live downtown in a high-rise apartment, but you wouldn’t have it. You always wanted to pay your own way, and Chinatown was what you could afford. So we lived there with Ethan Allen furniture, your bohemian nonsensical decorations, including a plethora of crystals, bags of cannabis, and music posters. By the end of the summer, I was showing signs of recovery, though the months of medical bills had put me in a tougher spot financially than before. I was still able to casually pay our rent and fixed expenses, afford food, and pay my own tuition without much concern. Though it was in September that everything changed.

 You worked at a Bob Evan’s right behind the university that summer to save for college, but you had racked up $17,000 on a credit card that was accruing monthly interest. You wanted to save, but you were forced to pay that down and there was never an expense that you met that you didn’t like. It has always been who you are: you spend too much on others, too much on holiday decorations, too much on latest clothing styles, too much online, too much on fast food, just too much. So even though you worked your sixty hours a week until that political bill made everyone like you work thirty-seven and a half hours and not a moment more, you couldn’t make tuition. And I couldn’t help you.

 I remember one night we were in Cincinnati for a Cal Scruby concert when the idea came to me. I said, “There are a lot of girls in Pi Phi that I know that use this escort site to make fast cash, and you are much prettier and have a much better personality.” So while we waited for the concert to begin, we turned the Marriott hotel room into a glamorous studio for photos, and wrote you a descriptive, alluring profile on that website. Looking back on this now, I am not sure what I was thinking except that it seemed like a perfectly sensible thing to do, and everyone else was doing it. An older, established Cleveland man solicited you within the hour. You planned to meet him later that week. A thousand dollars just like that.

 But that fateful morning, you confessed that you couldn’t do it. And I knew then that if you didn’t return to school that semester, you might never. And I thought about your credit card debt, your newly broken down car, and your ambitions slipping away from you. And I couldn’t let you, the brilliant bohemian with so much to offer to the world, possibly lose it all that easily. So I knew what this all meant for me, but the way I saw it, and still see it, is that it was the least I could do for the person who likely saved my life. So I became you: I went to a hair salon that day and dyed my harsh, almost black hair, to bleach blonde; I bought extensions; I bought baby blue eye contacts; I used makeup to manipulate a small mole on my cheek; I contoured my face, used drugstore eyelashes, and it was convincing enough. That night, I wore a pink kimono with ripped jeans and pale high heels. I wasn’t nearly as tall as you, but I hoped our Cleveland man wouldn’t notice. And he didn’t. And that was that.

 These visits continued twelve times, and we never spoke about them. It was our next big secret, and one I never planned to mention them to a soul. Your fall tuition was paid and I was relatively healthy, and we had our oasis in Chinatown. Everything was finally alright, it seemed, until December.

 There was only one problem: That Piece of Shit Heroin Addict. Back in the summer before the school year began, you had met Josiah. Perhaps it was my jealously of losing part of you, but I never took to him. You could have had any of my friends majoring in finance – we both know that they all loved you, and could have given you the life you wanted – but you chose him. I am certain that your biggest flaw has always been loving flawed people and thinking that you could positively influence the outcome of their lives’ through love and belief alone. Josiah was everything that I loathed about a person: he was uncouth to a fault, sported a horribly unkempt appearance with long, blonde, greasy and tangled hair, had terribly patchy facial hair, had lightly yellowed teeth from years of smoking and drug abuse. Best of all, he drove a sports car. His family was from the neighboring county, and in Ohio, if you don’t live in the capital county, you might as well live in the middle of a fucking farm wasteland infested with heroin, blue-collar jobs, and Mountain Dew.

 I tolerated this boy in the summer because you loved him. But it worried me when you would come home at 3 a.m. with him and his cronies, and they would all end up sprawled out on the floor of our apartment. These people were not good enough for you, and they brought you down with them. I would have done anything to better myself that year—I associated myself with the most elite people our university could offer, all of whom today ended up becoming prominent investment bankers and private equity directors, some traveling internationally, some making over half a million dollars annually – but you always found yourself attracted to the bottom.

 He manipulated you. He told you lies about me, and made you think differently about me. He fed you drugs. He sedated your sunshine and stole your youth. And then in December, he convinced you that I was nothing more than a haughty, arrogant, self-serving person, which perhaps was right to some degree, but never with you, and that you needed to leave. So one night in December, when I was traveling, you stole everything out of our apartment – right down to the kitchen table and bath curtains – and left me to come home to nothing. You never returned my calls or texts, and it was more than a year before I ever got an explanation.

You went from my fascination to my friend to my caregiver to my roommate and best friend to my deepest regret.

 In fact, for the next six years, you tried to contact me sporadically, pleading for forgiveness, but there was nothing that I could offer you. At times, you would comment on my life events that you could see through social media. You told me how happy I looked in my wedding photos, but little did you know for those four years that I was getting beaten, evens sometimes being held at gunpoint, literally; you told me how successful I had become from my work, but little did you know that I was facing more than one harassment suit; you would tell me you were happy that my life had become so wonderful, but you had no idea that at the very time you sent that, that I was sitting in a hospital waiting to be radiated for cervix cancer. And through all of it, I thought of you frequently, sometimes spitefully, sometimes with more regret than a person can carry, sometimes with fondness.

                                                        ~

But I never returned any of your correspondence until last week. And now, here we are at a Panera in a rundown suburb, and I am staring right at you. The passage of time has not been your friend: you wear bold framed glasses that remind me of Buddy Holly. Pregnancy has turned your beautiful blonde hair into an ashy brown shade and your long, cascading curls have been cut into curly short strands. You have gained perhaps thirty or forty pounds, hidden under a large, flowing hippy blouse – so that has remained, your style.

 When I approach you, you throw your arms around me for what feels like an eternity. I had planned to dig into you; I had wanted you to feel the internal war that has been raging inside of me since your departure. But I can’t do it. As you pull away from our embrace, you try to speak but your lower lip trembles. Your eyes are red and strained and you weep as you grab for my hand. People around us begin to stare, but my sole focus is on you. I suppose it always has been. You begin a long soliloquy of apology, that at times is so incoherent and sincere, I can only help but think that this has eaten away at you for as long as it has me. So I don’t chide you for abandoning me, I simply smile and say, “I Forgive You.”

 As we catch up, it seems our friendship is a marker in time for you much like it is for me. There was before you, you, and after you. Your “after you” is dark – things have been much harder for you for the past six years than they have for me. One unplanned pregnancy, another planned pregnancy, multiple lost jobs, government assistance, an alcoholic partner, and death threats galore. It is hard to imagine the young bohemian that I once knew has achieved such a disappointing life. You never finished college and you work as a PSA in a hospital. You mentioned repeatedly how tired you are, and I see you: it’s a spiritual exhaustion that knows no bounds. It is the type of exhaustion that one can only feel when they have done nothing that they set out to do in life. I am familiar.

 I often take your hand in mine. We talk until the Panera closes, and then promise to meet again soon.

[misfitjohnnys]

unintentional; hear all the words that I speak

You’ve worked hard for everything you’ve gotten and Mark Lee is a soft twist in your busy life, but you know hiding part of yourself eventually always bites anyone in the ass.

Word count: 20k - part 2/5

Reader x Mark Lee

(M)

masterlist // warnings

There were a couple of days before your flight. You spent the night in your hotel again and immediately spent a good amount of time with Mark. They were in town for another night following. You’d visited with your friends all day and after you dropped them off at home you and Mark stayed up late to watched some shows together with Ten and Taemin, had dinner, and returned to your respective beds. It was amazing to actually have some time to yourself. 

a/n: this chapter contains smut

Even your alone time didn’t feel quite so alone with your constant texts with Mark. You spent good amounts of time with each other and had a few run-ins throughout the day afterwards around his schedule, even spending some time in the city and dropping in to bring him some snacks and such between heavy rehearsals and filming, discovering your way back around your hometown and visiting famous places there. It felt comforting, visiting your family so you didn’t feel at all alone. It was good self-time and that was something you hadn’t had in months.

You couldn’t believe that after just a few days that a boy had you convinced to fly where he was going, but you were excited. Mark didn’t even have to do more than just ask and you were ready to risk it all and that scared you, but it didn’t stop you, not even a little bit. You’d easily explained to him that you didn’t take much time for yourself and had no reason to travel around, so he took it upon himself to invite you to live a little.

You said your goodbyes to your friends, promising them you’d make more trips to come see them and you hoped they weren’t empty; seeing their excited faces when you promised. You always wanted to visit more, but never made the effort or time and it disappointed you about yourself, but your friends knew you and they’d never let you live it down if you didn’t take the opportunity to go on the once in a lifetime trip with Mark Lee.

It had only been five days and you wondered what the hell had gotten into you, following a boy you just met just because he asked you to? Something wasn’t right but you didn’t even care. You hadn’t been so carefree since you were a kid. The flight over was more relaxing than you ever thought it could be because of the hopes of getting off the plane and spending more time with Mark. You had easily transferred your original tickets to a new airport, making it even more simple; as if it was meant to be. You reminded yourself that at least you’d be in Chicago, an easier accessible city that had an easy trip back to Los Angeles. You were flying not super far away or too far out of the path home, so that was nice as well. It was all going according to plan, as if the grace of Gods had given you a peace of mind.

You only wished you could’ve been on the plane with Mark and the others, but absolutely understood why it wasn’t possible. When you arrived at the airport, you carried your bags from the grab and tried to make your way down to car rental, but were stopped by welcoming arms in the corridor belonging to a soft boy in a white face mask.

“I missed you.” He told you, giggling behind his mask and grabbing your suitcase to bring it to the car that brought him. You couldn’t believe he was being so generous. He knew you all of what? Five days? It felt crazy, spending so much time with him felt unreal. You’d only been separated for a few hours and it felt like you’d known him for centuries. You sighed happily, stepping into the car and having him follow, sneaking his hand to hold yours and making you blush. “I’m gonna take you to lunch, my treat.” He laughed, seeing you blush and feeling like he finally had the upper hand in a conversation. It was weird, with Mark you felt like you were in control more than you ever did at your job. He made you not think about work, which was the biggest payoff of all.

He took you to a quiet hole in the wall pizza place, soft Jazz music played in the background as you sat in a booth together, looking over the menu amongst small playful jokes.

Being with Mark made you feel like you were in a dream. There were so many questions you had, so much love to explore, but he felt just slightly out of reach, simply because you felt like you couldn’t be completely honest with him and it shook you to your core, sighing and fiddling with your fork in hand until you were snatched out of your daydream by some soft words coming from his mouth.

“You okay?” He asked, reaching out to gently touch his fingers to the top of your hand across the table, a touch that felt almost too intimate; like sparks running through your brain.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just thinking a lot.” You warned him, shrugging and seeing mild worry continue on his face.

“Thinking about work?” You smiled because for once, you weren’t.

“Yeah.” You lied, smiling softly and seeing him get up and move to the other side of the booth next to you, your left side brushing against his right and you felt warm; whole. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. Vacation doesn’t come easy.” You told him, trying to relieve the tension of the conversation as he wrapped his arm around your waist, earning a soft gasp from you. He bit his lip nervously, looking over at you.

“You wanna see some funny stuff? Maybe take you out of your head?” He asked, grinning widely and putting his phone on the table. His background made you grin wide, a picture of him, Haechan, Johnny, and Jaehyun as his background and it made you want to hold him and tell him how precious he was, but you stopped yourself, sighing and wondering just how much cuter he was going to get. You looked over at him dreamily as he opened his phone to some videos that looked like they were just recently filmed, the hair colors matched up.

“Yeah, show me stuff, tell me about your friends.” You teased, seeing him blush. He knew you knew who his friends were, just not to what extent.

“Okay so here’s Taemin forgetting his phone and Ten found it, so we decided to fuck with him.” Hearing him swear with your own ears made you giggle even more than the video you were being shown. You’d seen it on Instagram while scrolling through earlier in the airport, but he didn’t have to know that. You kept glancing back and forth from his face to his phone, smiling dreamily and wishing the moment would never end.

Mark still felt out of reach, but in the moment you felt so connected. “You know, it’s actually funnier if you watch.” He teased, making you blush and squeezing your side before swiping to another video. This time it was of Taeyong sleeping on top of Lucas, hearing Mark’s faint laughter next to you through the phone speaker. “Okay so Taeyong came to wake us all up, but ended up laying on Xuxi and fell asleep, we all just kept laughing and teasing him to wake up and he refused.” Mark kept giggling, you’d seen that video too, but from a different angle and in their vlogs from when they were recording, so it made it even better, making you laugh and seeing a more intimate outtake of them. You felt special, even hearing Lucas’s nickname felt like private information even if you did already know what they all called him.

Mark kept swiping, showing you more videos that you didn’t expect until he came across one that felt way more private than you could’ve ever imagined. On screen showed Mark walking around their temporary dorm, something you’d only seen from the vlogs, but the video never got even near close to being posted. Mark was walking around, singing quietly to himself and you saw Jongin sleeping on the couch. It made your heart race a little, feeling like you were intruding a bit, even more so when Mark continued walking and stepped into Ten’s room to see he and Taemin kissing, Taemin’s arms around Ten’s waist before hearing Mark scream woah, woah, woah! before turning around and saying haha well, I, uh, wasn’t supposed to see that!

He stopped the video, turning to you and smiling. It felt like he’d definitely shown you something you didn’t need to see. You hoped it was with reason. “You know, I had no idea that they were gay. Or had a thing for each other. I knew nothing.” He shrugged, locking his phone and putting it down. “I’ve learned a lot about everyone since we got to America you know? I always thought I was like, really close with these people, but there’s always so much more to learn when you’re with the people you see every day. There’s always something new. Does that make sense?” He asked, turning to you and waiting for a response, you could only catch his eyes, blanking on his question when you saw his lashes flutter. You had to muster up some words.

“Yeah, I, I really do know what you mean.” You told him, knowing you had to keep the information secret. He trusted you and that was terrifying. Why did he? You felt like you could open up to him, swallowing and trying your best to continue a conversation. “My best friends, the ones you met?” You saw him nod, content on listening to what you had to say. Mark was a change of pace, that’s for sure. “I had no idea they were big partiers. I was always the one who avoided parties in school. College and all,” You continued, shrugging and snuggling in closer to his shoulder, looking back down at the table because it felt like looking at him was too much. He gently rubbed your side, comforting you. “They’re so different and as much as I love them, I feel like we’re just on so many different levels and they don’t really get me.”

“That makes sense.” He told you, nodding and taking a sip of his drink. He let you continue.

“I didn’t even know that Seulgi had lost her virginity even.” You scoffed, shaking your head and hearing Mark make an understanding noise. “But then she was at the party making out with guys I didn’t even know?” You sighed, slightly frustrated. “I feel like I don’t even know my friends anymore and it’s partially my fault, you know?”

“I actually do.” He laughed and you could feel his grin even without looking at him. “That’s how i felt when I saw Taemin and Ten. It felt like they were hiding something and I didn’t want them to feel that way. They told everyone like the next day, but it felt weird to have that hidden from us.” He explained further. It still felt weird that he was willing to show you that video, but you didn’t want to comment.

“I’m glad you understand.” You both shared a laugh, seeing the server quietly bring the check to your table. You pulled out your wallet and felt Mark pull out his faster. You snorted, seeing him move his hand to shove your wallet back down, but not fast enough before your card was out and on the table. Mark sighed, shaking his head.

“You know, I haven’t had anyone but my members or my parents buy me dinner?” He told you and you had to look at him, seeing the faint warmth on his cheeks. He made you feel like jell-o and you had no idea what took over you, but you turned to him, reaching up and placing one hand on his cheek to pull him down for a kiss, lips pressed plush against each other with a decent amount of pressure and feeling. You pulled away and avoided looking at him, staring back at the table.

“Well, now you can say someone treated you.” You spoke quieter than you wanted, nerves still unsettled in your stomach.

All you heard was a quiet “Thank you.” before you felt him squeeze your side again. Normally you weren’t one for affection, but Mark made it feel fine.

When your card came back to the table and your signature was down, you felt Mark let go of your waist and reach down for your left hand to tug you out of the restaurant, giggling as you made your way down the streets. He put his mask back on and you could still easily see the outline of his smile that never left his face.

“Hey, you know?” He started; voice muffled by the mask. You wished you could see his face, but knew it was dangerous territory for him to remove it. It was better for the both of you if nobody saw him or knew where he was, especially in a big city like Chicago. “You said you didn’t know your friends partied a lot right?” You narrowed your eyes, confused at his question.

“Yeah?”

“You know, if they hadn’t been partiers, then we never would’ve met.” He giggled, sounding like an excited schoolgirl talking to her crush. You couldn’t help but snort, rolling your eyes and you couldn’t believe he’d just said that to you.

“Mark Lee, you are a sap.” You laughed, shaking your head.

“Yeah, I get that a lot.” He laughed.

-

“So, when you google us, what comes up?” Mark asked, sitting cross-legged at the edge of his hotel bed that you were so gladly snuggled into the front of.

You’d spent what felt like minutes, but was actually hours, lying in bed with Mark in his hotel suite even when you had your own to return to. It seemed pointless to get your own room because you had a feeling that would happen. He called you over as soon as he woke up, pulling you from your slumber and dragging your sock covered feet to his room. You had put on some decent pyjamas and felt somewhat presentable, but when you saw Mark also wearing shorts and a plain jumper, you felt fine. It was chilly in the November air, but you shared a laugh about the both of you only ever being comfortable relaxing in shorts. The simple things with Mark were the sweetest.

“Let’s see.” You grinned, pulling out your phone and typing in SuperM into the google search. “Okay, so the Avengers of K-Pop,” You started and saw Mark snatch your phone out of your hand, laughing and shaking his head.

“No, oh my god, stop.” He laughed, embarrassed and shaking his head. He hated the idea of comparing themselves to the Avengers, it made him cringe in the worst way possible. It was fun to joke about, but hearing people say it made his eyes roll.

“Who are you, like Iron Man?” You joked; smirking at him and seeing him roll his eyes instead of just thinking about it.

“No indeed not.” He grinned widely. “But I’m glad you think so highly of me. Iron man would definitely be Taemin-hyung.”

“Mm,” You nodded, grinning again. You knew what he meant, you knew how capable and iconic Taemin was, but he didn’t have to know that. You liked boosting his ego. “Who would you be, then?” You smirked, a joke teasing at the tip of your tongue. “Absolutely fully capable Mark?” Your smirk grew stronger, seeing his mouth gape in surprise. It was fun to throw little tidbits out, they weren’t too suspicious. You knew the common jokes and used them to your advantage.

“You fucking know about that?” He asked with a sigh, rolling his eyes again and dramatically laying himself back on the bed. “You know, I can’t ever speak to you again.” He joked, covering his face with a pillow. “I was like 15! I couldn’t even spell capable!” You both snorted, crawling over to him. It was adorable to see him so embarrassed, feeling like you had the upper hand. Mark was cute when you were in control. You felt just a little bit powerful. “Okay, maybe I could spell capable.” You scooted over to him, laying your head right next to his and sighing contentedly.

“You know, that song is kind of a bop.” You giggled, watching him turn his head toward you with an embarrassed grin. It was his turn for silence, sighing contentedly as he looked in your eyes. “What?” you asked.

“I just like that you listened to my music.” He said quietly, sighing and dreamily looking into your eyes. You swallowed a bit nervously, but shook it off. You knew a lot more than he thought you did, but it didn’t seem to interfere. Maybe eventually you’d let him know how you felt about him and why. He was all you could ever imagine and more. You felt whole then, never wanting it to end. He leaned over and pecked your lips, giggling to himself before doing it once more, slightly longer, a little more pressure.

You blushed harshly. “I’d do anything for you.” You laughed with a serious hint in your voice, causing you both to snort out of the cheesiness of it, laughing loudly together on the bed when you heard the door open, looking up to see a fresh head of white hair, gasping slightly when you caught a glimpse of Baekhyun standing in the doorway. It was the closest you’d been to him and it took you by extreme surprise, but you had to act cool. You couldn’t be suspicious but you were mesmerized. You had to act like you were only meeting your friend’s friend, but your heart was beating sporadically in your chest.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, I am sorry.” You heard him laugh, sitting up yourself and scooting closer to Mark out of shyness. You hadn’t met him before, only seen him on stage and you felt more overwhelmed than you would’ve liked.

“Baek-hyung!” You heard Mark exclaim, introducing your name properly with one excited giggle and following with “This is who I’ve been hanging out with the last few days!”

“Ah, you’re the one he won’t stop talking about, huh?” Baekhyun teased and Mark pouted back in response. It felt good that he’d been talking about you. “Nice to finally meet you.” Something about him was off. You hoped he was alright, but you knew how celebrity life could be, especially with all the chaos that EXO had been through, but maybe he’d just been so busy all day he was tired. “He wasn’t at the noraebang but you saw him on stage, huh?” You hardly noticed the question.

“Hi,” You spoke softly, waving at Baekhyun and it almost didn’t feel weird. He felt like a normal person and you didn’t really expect that. You expected to be much more bashful, but Mark kept you at least a little bit grounded, and for that, you were thankful. “I like your hair!” You told him, feeling a little awkward that those were the first words you spoke to him, but he seemed to be more excited than worried. He giggled and shot you a quick and excited “thank you” before slipping into the bathroom.

You grinned, grabbing Mark by the shirt and pulling him in closer to you, pressing your lips harshly against his. You slipped your bottom lip between his and heard his breath catch a little, his arm traveling down to your waist, squeezing softly as you pulled him in even closer, feeling his lips part slightly. The rush of this being as far as the two of you had gotten in six days felt intense, like lightning was traveling between you and it almost hurt to pull away when you heard the bathroom door open again, both of you laying back to face the ceiling. You had to be more careful, grinning dreamily as you felt like you were seeing stars and you heard Baekhyun slip out of the room.

“Maybe we should, uh, do that more.” He spoke softly, reaching over to gently hold your hand once you were alone again.

“Buy me dinner first.” You teased, damn well knowing why he rolled his eyes at you. “You know, I think you’re more Captain Marvel.” You grinned wider, returning to your joke from earlier.

“And why is that?” He looked at you dreamily, waiting for explanation, but you were lost in his eyes. It took you a moment to gather your thoughts enough to form a coherent sentence and not seem like an obsessed idiot.

“Okay, so you’re a rapper right?” You asked, biting your lip in thought.

“Yeah?”

“And you’ve got a lot of lines, you’re carrying the group pretty well.” You tried to be vague. mustering up the right words. “You’re also passionate, obviously.” You earned a giggle from him. “And, I don’t know, you seem just a little bit cocky.” You joked, smirking and reaching out to touch his hair. He pouted, looking over at you and scooting just a bit closer.

“I’m cocky on stage, not gonna lie, but,” He sighed, shrugging his shoulders just a bit. “I’m not at all confident off stage.” he pouted just a little, awkwardly smiling. Hearing him talk himself down was a little bit of a sad moment, making your heart ache and before you met him, you didn’t really ever think about how human they all were. They had their own quirks and they were people before fame too, but from what you knew, Mark was so young getting into the company, maybe he didn’t have any interactive experiences to gain his confidence. It made you a little sad. “I get so nervous with people and I talk a lot, I’m always scared of conversations.” he sighed, smiling just slightly. “Except from when I’m with you.”

You snorted just a tad, giggling and playing with his hair a little more. “I think you still get nervous around me. You’re practically shaking in your boots right now.”

“God, I know I do.” Mark sighed in defeat. “I get really nervous around people who don’t know me. Like, don’t know what I do normally or anything like that.” It was the first time he had mentioned you not knowing who he was, especially so forwardly. You smiled nervously, nodding and not wanting to say anything else in fear of you reading him a little too hard.

It felt like hours had passed, snuggling into Mark’s side and making yourself comfortable on his chest. Something was ripping into your heart and you felt wrong, but it was too late to say anything, so you stayed quiet. Mark didn’t mind. He seemed to enjoy the silence. He ran his fingers through your hair and he made you feel more calm, but the guilt rained on your conscience. It felt wonderful to lay there with him, but you wondered how he would feel if he knew you were a fan. Would he like you less? Would he have pursued you in the first place if he knew? The answers were up in the air, but you felt like you knew the answers to both of those anyway. You knew how it probably would’ve felt if he knew. It would be so much less likely that you were in this position, but part of you wished you knew the true answer. His fingers felt good combing through your hair, that’s what mattered right then, nothing else.

You’d spent a couple hours lying in bed with Mark, at one point you napped together, getting taunted by both Lucas and Ten when you woke up, feeling Mark toss a pillow at them for you. “Come on guys, we’re trying to sleep!” Mark spoke groggily, pulling you out of your slumber to see Taemin and Ten on the other queen-sized bed, bright smiles and ready to further tease the two of you.

“Come on, get the fuck up! We’re going out!” Taemin got up and nudged the two of you, deciding to lay across the both of you and was being, oddly, the normal one. From what you knew about him at least, which happened to be more than you wished you did in that moment. Taemin made you feel fine, he actually made you the least nervous of all, but you couldn’t help but to think about the fact that it was because of him you ended up there in the first place. Maybe you knew that he was such an open person even as an idol. Taemin was different. He was weird and comfortable. You liked Taemin a lot, but you already expected to from your prior knowledge on him.

Taemin approached you in Walgreens to talk to you, completely comfortable. He told you he would come to your party. He invited Ten and Lucas to your party just so you had the chance to meet them. It made you think about how thankful you were for Taemin. Maybe he would be the relief if anything were to go wrong. He didn’t care who you were in Walgreens and that felt nice. Maybe he knew, maybe he could tell and didn’t care either way. Mark obviously didn’t know. He couldn’t, there no way he would’ve acted the way he did, you were sure. It was terrifying to think about if he did and knew you weren’t telling the full truth.

Sometimes it got to your brain, feeling like you wanted to start over with no memory, just learn about Mark, Ten, Taemin, Lucas, all of them authentically, but it hurt not knowing how they would feel if they did know. It plagued your mind as you went to your room to put on your clothes, excited to be invited out with the guys even if it scared you. It was the first time you’d gone out with them all outside of Walgreens and the concert. You kept thinking about what Mark said about wishing he could just be normal. You wished that vaguely again for him, wondering if you’d connect the same way if you’d met him differently. You were pulled from your thoughts by a knock on the door that made you jump.

You had a hotel room alone a few doors down, but you’d spent the entire day in their room just laying around with Mark and enjoying the intimacy. He felt good to be around. It was sweet, but you felt nervous standing there alone in the room because it was rare you were by yourself, even at home. The second knock made you even more nervous, anxiety running through your veins even if you knew someone was eventually going to come to find you to go out. You had a feeling you knew exactly who was at the door though. You finished your hair and put a cute hat on, making your way to answer. You were wearing your favorite crop top and a comfortable but fancy pair of leggings, it was your more casual ‘going out’ outfit, a decent contrast to the suits or outfits you normally wore going out for work parties or client meetings. You grinned when you opened the door, seeing Mark very nicely but casually dressed, smirk playing on his face as he stood there in all black with just a simple green velour jacket, the same one he wore on stage that night you saw him do his solo. It made your heart race. He looked just as hot as when you saw him on stage; the same feeling you got gnawing at your insides. Something was different than when you saw him just a few minutes ago.

“I’m here to pick up someone special.” He giggled playfully, stepping in and you had to take a breath because he looked gorgeous. It was him in your hotel room again, but this time you were alone, and it surprised you, but exciting all the same. He snaked his hands around your waist and pulled you in tight, pressing his lips to yours in a bold move considering it was Mark. You parted your lips slightly into the kiss, but something felt different, Mark felt more relaxed than he ever had with you before and it felt good.

Mark’s warm body pressed against yours and you almost worried that getting dressed was useless, but you had to push it to the back of your mind, snaking your hands up to cup his cheeks. There was something different in the kiss, like Mark was finding something in you that he had been searching years for. You couldn’t believe he seemed to want you so badly, even if it was just kissing. But when he bit gently on your lip and tugged, pulling a soft whine from your throat, you knew it was more. Something in you told you to stop him, but you ignored it, wanting to enjoy yourself because you wanted it just like he did. You hadn’t felt the passion since before your second restaurant opened and you missed the human touch like that so desperately. You didn’t ever have the time for hookups, but right then it felt like you had all the time in the world, kissing him was all you had time for, even if your other friends were probably ready to go.

“Aren’t they waiting on us?” You whispered, feeling his lips trail down your neck. It felt hot, breathy gasps coming out of your mouth and you felt your eyes roll back at the soft feeling of his tongue along your skin, little nips and kisses making you feel like the only two in the world. He ignored your question, backing you up until you felt your calves hit the foot of the bed. You gulped, feeling wrong for letting him indulge in you, but you couldn’t make yourself stop him. You wanted it just as bad as he seemed to. You felt his hands go lower, gently but nervously trailing down to your ass, soft touches making you feel delicate. You gasped a little, swallowing and moving his face to put his lips back to yours. “You sure about this?” You whispered against his lips, moaning softly into his mouth as he led you back to lay on the bed.

“Yeah,” He answered simply, smiling against your mouth again as he asked for entrance with his tongue, easily opening your mouth to accommodate. You couldn’t believe you hadn’t kissed him like that before, electricity passing through you with each stroke of your tongue against his. He felt so good, hands moving back up to push your shirt up. He giggled nervously, asking permission with his eyes and you easily nodded. “Are you alright with this?” He asked, eyes hooded and fiddling playfully with the hem as he pushed it gently up your skin, soft gasps as you tried to calm yourself down because fuck, it was really happening.

You vocalized your thoughts before you could think. “I can’t believe this is happening.” You whispered, feeling his mouth back on your neck the second he had your shirt off.

“Me either, I haven’t, um, had this in a long time.” He swallowed nervously, his vision going foggy when his eyes had purchase on your chest that he seemed too scared to touch. A blush tinted his cheeks further when you pulled his face to look at him instead.

“I hope it’s okay.” You whispered before you could stop yourself, your own face feeling hot as he kissed you harder, with more want than before. You felt so connected and you were too distracted to feel guilty, paying more attention to the fingers dancing on your thighs and between your legs, gasping when you felt him attempt to rub through your leggings. The pressure felt nice, sacred, like a god was touching you, but you wanted more, squeezing your legs around his hand and trying to get him to better focus on kissing you.

“More kissing please.” You whispered against his lips, his hand pulling away to soothe over your hips. You sighed, pressing your tongue boldly into his mouth and hearing him moan the quietest noise. You had him, but you made him nervous, you could tell. You were the older one and you knew that made him even more scared.

“I-I don’t know what to do.” He spoke nervously, catching your eyes and you could see just how flushed he was. His face had makeup on it that definitely needed to be touched up and it drove you crazy that it was because of you. “Can you, um, guide me, like, with what you like? I-“ You interrupted him by touching his hand, biting your lip with a soft smile.

You reached down to his hand to guide him, it felt like you were on autopilot again, slipping his hand under your waistband and your heart felt like it was going to burst any second. He slipped his own hand under the waistband of your underwear and your eyes found the ceiling, nervously hoping that it would be okay. Sex made you scared. You didn’t have the best experiences, but you prayed that Mark would be gentle. When his fingers glazed over your clit and gave you small soft circles, your prayers were answered, spreading your legs just a little more as you reached up to crash your lips together harshly, feeling his fingers drag down your slit and you didn’t even realize how wet you were, nerves making breathing even harder to remember how to do.

“Fuck,” you heard him whisper against your mouth, gently dipping his finger inside of you easily and making you gasp when he curled it inside. He scooted you back up to lean against the headboard, moaning softly when he slipped a second finger inside, your whimpers edging him on to keep curling them inside of you, quickly finding your g-spot and making your vision blur. “You’re so wet,” He spoke breathily, his arousal apparent against your leg when you nudged it against him.

Your leggings felt hot and you had to get them off, pulling your hands away from Mark to push them off rapidly along with your underwear, tossing them to the floor and leaving your lower half exposed as well. He didn’t stop his ministrations, cocky smile on his lips when you looked at him. You swallowed thickly, feeling like you were on a cloud as his fingers worked inside you, hips moving along with his hands. “You’re so, fuck,” he couldn’t even finish his sentence, lips attaching to yours again as you panted, grabbing at his wrist to get him to slow down. He didn’t seem too interested in that idea, only pushing you a little further. “I love doing this,” he told you, eyes catching yours and you had to take in a breath of air. It was too hot.

“I-I think I’m gonna come,” You warned quietly, feeling the heel of his palm move against your clit and the moan that came from you only pushed him further. He pulled his fingers from you, scooted down the bed and settled between your legs with a smirk. His mouth was on you immediately and you gasped loudly, his tongue playing games on your clit and when he pressed the flat of it against you, you arched your back, feeling an orgasm rush through you. “Fuck, Mark.” you whimpered. He grabbed your hands, tangling your fingers together as he rode you through your high and gave you soft kitten licks down your slit, giggling as he was proud of himself, you could tell. It took a moment to come back to reality, Mark laying at your side and gently playing with your fingers as you tried to come down.

Once you came to, you weren’t sure what came over you. You saw nerves come over his face and you couldn’t help but giggle, straddling his lap and placing a hand gently over his crotch and for a split second you felt bad for starting on your way to ruining such a wonderful outfit, but you weren’t bothered enough to stop. You kissed him for the millionth time, tongue fighting for dominance in his mouth and it felt better than you could’ve imagined. You felt him gasp into your mouth when you undid his belt and zipper, immediately tucking your hands into his jeans to wrap around his length.

You bit his lip and definitely felt like you were the only person presented with this opportunity. You gladly took it, stroking him and feeling his chest rise, eyes closed and continuing to messily kiss you, his hands grasping at your thighs and squeezing to ground himself. He didn’t speak, he was quieter than he had been since you met him. You sighed, loving the way he felt in your hand. You tugged gently on his lip with your teeth, pulling his arousal out of his boxers and he gasped lightly at the air hitting him. You wanted to look down and see exactly what you were in for but comforting him with kisses felt like a better idea.

He lasted a lot shorter than you expected, but you weren’t surprised, enjoying making him feel good enough to come so fast. You felt proud, his mess sticky on your thigh and you were quite impressed that he’d managed to avoid his clothes, which excited you because he looked perfect, all fucked out in the face and looking at you dreamily. You giggled, tucking him back into his pants.

You could tell he was perfectly content with not going any further. It didn’t quite feel right yet. You watched him get up on wobbly legs, giggling to himself all the way to the bathroom to grab you a towel. He blushed harshly when he saw you still sitting on the bed, naked with his come on your thigh. You blushed as well, giggle coming out of your mouth and you had to admit even just looking at him again made you feel good, so perfect and beautiful and someone you’d looked up to for a while. He sat next to you, damp towel in his hand while he giggled, easily cleaning your thigh off and trying his best to clean up the small mess on the bed sheets.

You had a thought, grinning to yourself. “Well, you’re definitely absolutely fully capable.” There was no way in hell you were going to stop yourself from making that joke, giggling harshly when you heard him groan.

“Well that’s good to know because it feels like I’ve only been imagining doing that shit for years.” You liked when he swore, you noted. He laughed, shaking his head and tracing his fingers along your hips and sides. You hadn’t gotten back dressed yet, spooning with your back against Mark and playing with his arm while he fiddled. You snorted, sighing contentedly. “But you really cannot make that joke after sex.” He teased, squeezing your waist lightly.

“Good thing we didn’t have sex then.” You smirked, looking back at him with a quirked eyebrow. “I’m one hundred percent willing to snatch your soul, then make a joke and have you hate me afterward.”

“Please, say less.” You heard him say nervously, nuzzling his face into your neck. You could tell he was spent, but it was also fun to play with him. “Maybe we can one day, though, hm?” He asked sleepily, peppering soft kisses under your ear.

“I mean, I’m game.” You bit your lip, not believing how bold your words were coming out. You definitely had the upper hand, but he did surprise you just a little sometimes.

“Yeah?” He whispered quietly, making you gasp when he placed a hand over your chest, gently thumbing over your nipple. You felt heat rush to your core again, closing your eyes and trying to push it away. “I’ve never wanted someone like I wanted you.” He spoke seriously, gravelly voice making you almost whimper from the effect it had on you. You whimpered just a little when you felt his teeth on your skin, not expecting him to bounce back so quickly. You reached up, unable to take it anymore as you grabbed his hand and put it between your legs again, guiding his fingers to rub against your clit. You breathed harshly, eyes screwing shut as he gave soft delicate strokes to the bundle of nerves. “You’re so good.” You loved the praise as much as you loved praising Mark. You felt like you were in heaven, eyes rolling to the back of your head until-

“Okay, okay, okay! Guys, we’re all ready!” Lucas’s booming voice was heard in the hallway, pulling you out of your daze and aching core for Mark. You heard ferocious bangs on the door, but Mark didn’t stop, only speeding up his fingers and making you gasp even harder. More bangs on the door finally stopped him and he pulled his hand away with a defeated groan, giving a light pat to your tummy with a kiss on the cheek. He yanked himself out of bed easily, grabbing your stray clothing items and tossing them your way with a shy smile. You ignored the arousal you had, it could wait.

“Get dressed, baby!” The pet name made your heart throb. He grinned, gently tossing your clothes toward you and when you sat up, he gave you a light peck on the lips, running quickly to the bathroom as he shouted “Just a minute!” at the door, multiple voices of laughter could be heard and you thought you could die from embarrassment. You pulled your shirt back on quickly, then followed with your leggings. Mark came back out, huge grin on his face and it made your heart melt.

“God, you’re cute.” You told him, seeing his eyes glance down at the slick between your legs as you pulled your underwear and leggings on. You felt your cheeks heat up and felt so good in that moment. He wanted you and you were glad to let him have you. Eventually at least.

“I mean, I try.” He giggled bashfully, bouncing on his toes excitedly as he watched you pick your hat up from the ground, not even realizing it had been tossed off. You laughed a bit, feeling like a little kid in a candy shop. Mark was all the candy you needed. You heard more banging on the door, hardly paying any attention to it.

“Hurry up, lovebirds!” You heard Ten’s singsong voice and sounds you knew as Taemin’s laugher through the door. It was oddly calming and made you feel even better. It felt like you were in a high, the world surrounding you felt so surreal. You bit your lip, looking over at a starry-eyed Mark. He looked so proud, like he’d just won a medal. You had to say something.

“Also, I have to point out, you’re also really good at like, everything you did.” You had to remind him, seeing him flush made you feel good, giggling to yourself as he readjusted his pants and made sure he looked okay in the hotel mirror. The room was much less nice than the last one you stayed in, but Mark didn’t seem to mind and that felt good too. Before you fixed your makeup, you kissed him firmly on the lips, seeing his eyebrow quirk up.

“I’m gonna get the door.” He whispered between your kiss and one he pressed to your hand that he brought up to his face. It felt more intimate and loving than it should have, but you played it off as just him being sweet. You smoothed out your foundation and reapplied your lip balm, feeling satisfied with how you looked when everyone walked in.

“Well, someone looks nice!” Ten told you, giggling and stepping to where the mirror was in your room. “Actually, it’s me.” He laughed, grinning widely. “So, are you guys ready?” He asked, making you and Mark look at each other, dumb dopey smiles played on your faces.

“Yeah, I, uh, think so.” Mark giggled and reached over to gently grab your hand in his. “Ready?”

You nodded, sighing contentedly when all three of the boys complimented you. They had a habit of doing that. It was innocent, but sweet, nonetheless. They made you feel important. Nothing like compliments from famous boys, they made you feel more validated than anyone. It shouldn’t have been that way, but a boost to your self-esteem was never the worst thing ever.

“You know? Ive been hanging out with you guys for what? Five days?” You asked, sighing contently as they each laughed softly.

“I mean I guess you’re the eighth member of SuperM now.” Ten joked, causing the four of them to erupt in laughter and you felt good, squeezing Mark’s hand as you made your way down the hallway.

“Hm, I guess so. I can’t sing, dance, write, or anything, but I guess I can make jokes.” You laughed again, making Lucas cackle loudly in the hallway. It made you smile, it felt like you were in a daze. You felt like a part of them, you felt like you belonged there with them and that was rare for you to feel, even with close friends sometimes you didn’t quite fit just right, but these boys never made you feel alone and you loved it. Part of you wished you’d spent more time with Baekhyun or Jongin or Taeyong, but you were still perfectly content with the four you knew. They made you feel so close so fast, like you’d found a new group of friends you could relate to. They felt so judgement free when you knew they were the center of harsh judgement back in Korea. It was sweet.

They took you bowling. They put you on a team with Lucas and Ten while Mark and Taemin were on the other team, ready to destroy the three of you. “We’ll take it easy on you, princess.” Taemin teased you, making you roll your eyes and look over at Ten, who easily scoffed at his boyfriend.

“You never win anything, and Mark has no coordination.” Ten snapped back, shrugging and picking his ball. He was coming with clapbacks easily against the eldest of your group. “At least between the two of us, there’s like 4 braincells. The two of you share one.” Ten was giggling to himself, laughing harder when Lucas made a disappointed face.

“What do you mean the two of us?” Lucas pouted, trying to be cute to get on Ten’s good side. The latter snorted.

“Not you, baby. You’re… on another level.” Ten grinned, making Lucas laugh back in response.

“God, you guys are mean to each other!” You spoke playfully, choosing your own ball to put into the game. “My friends always tell each other we love each other and then call one another a bitch when we’re away.” You laughed along, seeing Lucas shrug in your direction.

“Kun-ge says I have no braincells too, its normal.” Lucas told you, nudging your arm. For a second you forgot that the other members existed, smiling when he mentioned another member. It made you happy to hear that they so gladly talked about and to each other freely. You were glad they were close even when they weren’t together. “What are you smiling about?” Lucas interrupted your thoughts, nudging your side. You couldn’t exactly tell him what was on your brain.

“Just,” you started, sighing happily. “I love hanging out with you guys, you’re all so fun.” You giggled, glancing over at Mark who looked so happy to just be here. It felt good to see him enjoying himself.

“Ah, is that what it is?” Lucas asked, leaning against the table you were sitting at. You felt it move slightly and it almost scared you how big he suddenly seemed. A gentle giant. Lucas was much sweeter than you expected him to be. He pulled you from your thoughts again, sweet but low voice cutting through your brain. “You like Mark?” He asked, nudging you and giving you the most playful smile.

You sighed, feeling a blush creep across your cheeks, feeling yourself get weak the second you heard his voice. He didn’t feel real. Maybe this was just some really good dream you didn’t know how to wake up from. “Yeah, I think I do.” You saw Lucas smile, nodding and gently placing a hand on your shoulder to comfort you. From what? You weren’t sure. You were positive he was just being nice, but it was comforting, nonetheless. “It’s so crazy to think we’ve only hung out for a few days, but it feels like a lifetime.” You sighed, feeling your cheeks warm even more as you looked over at Mark, who was currently warming up and pretending to throw the ball with Taemin. You vaguely remembered how Chanyeol and Jaehyun had gone bowling in the idol Olympics previously, and a giggle came from your mouth, smiling at the similarities and almost a little surprised at the fact that they all seemed so competitive. It was enjoyable to see Ten teasing the other boys, attempting to tear down their egos all while Taemin looked amused, quirking an eyebrow up at his boyfriend who seemed unaffected. You watched Ten stomp over to you, grin wide on his face, but you could tell he was ready to stomp Taemin and Mark into the ground. You knew he loved winning.

“Come on, it’s go time.” Ten told you, gesturing that it was your turn to first throw the ball. “Make it count, babe.” Ten giggled, nudging you forward. You looked back at Mark who was cheering you on, getting a small smack on the shoulder from Taemin who told him he can’t cheer for the competition. Mark easily chose to ignore him, shouting readily at you as you attempted to get into position and ready to start the game off well. You were the first to go, so it was a lot of pressure.

“You got this! Lets get it!” Mark made you laugh loudly, shaking your head and grinning as you tried to focus. You set your arms up and quickly tossed the ball, biting your lip and hoping for the best. You heard him shout out a “whoop, whoop!” before you even saw the pins, looking up and gasping when you saw you’d knocked 9 pins down, only leaving one for the option of the strike. You had to do it, positioning yourself again and tossing the ball once more, biting your lip as the ball actually made the perfect path toward the pin, making everyone start cheering for you. It felt good.

You scored a strike, causing Ten to walk up to you and dramatically kiss you on the cheek, his proud mother energy jumping out and making you snort again. “God, I love you!” Ten said, patting your back playfully and fully ready to see Taemin strike out. Ten was all for them losing, it excited him.

“Hey, that’s Mark’s job!” Lucas loud-capped his friend, giggling when he saw Mark covering his eyes with his hands. He couldn’t believe that Lucas has just said that out loud, but you didn’t mind. It made you feel good. Everything the boys did made you feel good, you wondered again what you did to deserve being with them, it was a thought that plagued your mind constantly and the fact that everything moved so fast made you worry that it was just an extreme fever dream and you’d wake up in your bed in an actual reality. Taemin and Ten were cracking up laughing at him, but you saw Mark red faced and smiling shyly when you looked over at him.

“I’m so sorry for his outbursts.” You laughed harder, walking over to him and feeling him slip his arm around your waist.

“He’s really funny, give him credit.” You teased, seeing Mark shake his head and relax into you. “I think collectively you all have 4 braincells, two of them belong to ten, one and a half belong to you, one half is with Taemin.” You snorted, hearing Mark burst into laughter.

“Hey, now, no fraternizing with the enemy.” Lucas pouted jokingly, crossing his arms as Ten and Taemin both threw their balls at the same time, obvious competition between the two of them. You loved their relationship dynamic; it was nice to see them together. They both ended up making bad scores, Taemin only hitting two pins total in both throws and Ten ending up with only three pins and a gutter. You and Mark both sighed together, shaking your heads and laughing at the chaos unfolding in front of you, Mark’s hand still around your waist.

“Your turn.” Taemin said through laughter, nudging Mark’s arm and laughing at himself.

“Gotta go now, my forbidden love.” Mark joked, pecking you lightly on the lips and you felt like it was almost too sweet, uncomfortably sweet.

“God, no don’t say that.” You told him, hearing his laughter as he walked over. “I’ll never be forbidden.” He was incredibly cute, almost too cute. You felt a little conflicted. You were weird with public displays of affection, feeling slightly awkward that he was so willing to be sweet and cheesy in front of his friends, but you tried to push it off and act normal. That was your first fear with Mark. It made you feel horrible because he was genuinely so nice. You swallowed a bit, hoping he wouldn’t get too soft and sweet with each other that often. It wasn’t who you were, and it made you feel weird, but you tried your hardest to push it to the back of your mind. You watched him throw the ball and end up with seven pins, giving his team 9 in total, so you were still very much in the lead after Lucas took a gutter.

“He’s not brawn or brains.” Ten explained to you, making you snort and sit back down on your side of the lanes, facing directly across from Mark, who was fidgeting in his chair like a child as he watched Taemin take his turn.

“That’s okay, he’s funny and that’s what matters.” You heard Ten and Lucas both laugh at your joke. “The muscles are purely for comedic affect right?” You grinned, hearing Ten snort loudly and Lucas’s pout was soft. “They seem a little pointless.”

“See, at least someone thinks I’m funny!” Lucas patted you on the back and you felt soft, happy at how close you felt like you were getting. It felt nice to find someone who didn’t care or know about your mild fame, just playing a simple game of bowling after hours. Your fame was selective, yes, but you still had a name around the places you’d opened restaurants. You got crowded by fans, even if it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was for the boys you were with, but you felt like you could really relate to them; just sitting around and enjoying the game with people who didn’t see you as an object or liked you for your money or to make themselves feel important and you slightly worried that you had only seen them as objects before. You felt like you saw them in a different light than normal, maybe hanging out with them was what you needed to not feel like an obsessive fan. To see them as people similar to your level was a gift more than any.

You couldn’t believe idols made you feel normal than people you grew up with, sitting and enjoying yourself felt foreign, in disbelief that work wasn’t a problem.

Until the phone call.

You had to leave, kicking off your shoes quickly and making your way to a quieter common area with one shoe in hand as you tried to focus on the words through your phone. You broke down into soft sobs when you were gently told that one of your workers was tragically killed in a car accident. You were needed back home.

You tried to keep up the mood, but everyone could tell something was wrong. Mark made his way over to you, grabbing your hand and gently pulling you to a more secluded place. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked, cupping your cheeks and even though it felt weird to be touched in public like that, you allowed it, letting tears gently fall from your face and trying to be quiet in order not to cause a scene.

“One of my managers.. My.. friend.. Just got into an accident.” You told him through sniffles, reaching up to dab your tears away. “She-she’s dead. I’m sorry, I- I need to go outside.” You swallowed, trying to calm down just a little.

“Baby,” He sighed softly, pulling you into a hug.

“Yeah?” You sniffled again, letting his arms embrace you as you kept your own arms by your sides. You didn’t have the strength to wrap your own arms around him, sitting in defeat and feeling like it was all your fault. Someone died and it felt like it was your fault. It was a feeling that was nagging at you.

“You’ve got one shoe on.” He told you, making you slightly laugh, another tear falling from your eyes. “Where’s your shoe?” He asked, pouting as he pulled away to cup your cheeks again. It felt weirdly relaxing to be treated so tenderly. You felt a little off and a joke was nagging at your insides in the most awkward of moments.

“The bowling alley needed a sacrifice. I gave it my left shoe.” You joked, wiping your tears again when you felt Mark laugh, shaking his head and placing a small kiss to your forehead.

“Give me a second.” He grinned, stepping away from you only to return with your shoe and jacket in hand. “Let’s get you home okay?” You could tell he was a little disappointed, walking you outside to wait as the boys got ready to leave. They didn’t at all mind leaving so you could be more comfortable, and you thought that was sweet of them. They reminded you they had plenty of time to do other things and bowl some more in the future. They even hoped you’d join them again. It oddly felt good that they were wanting to continue including you, even if you ruined their night. You hoped you didn’t, but it was hard to feel that way.

You spent nearly the whole night crying in your hotel room, sobbing into Mark’s chest and trying to come to terms with the fact that not only had you lost one of your workers, but your friend who had been with you from the beginning of your restaurant experience. Hannah was the general manager of both uptown stores in Los Angeles and on the way home that night, a drunk driver had fatally crashed into her car. You were torn on what to be more upset about: having to find someone to tragically take her place; an ache that felt heavy in your chest, or being upset that you had to leave Mark to handle the situation. It felt unreal and you felt selfish. You’d forgotten about your work for days and you had stretched it too far. It felt like it was your fault. She was working later hours because she wanted you to have a good time, so it felt wrong to even still be gone. You couldn’t believe it.

“Mark, I have to go home.” You sniffled, grabbing a hold of his t-shirt as he ran his fingers through your hair, trying to comfort you as best as he could. You could tell he didn’t know how to handle the situation, but he was trying his best and he made you feel better.

“It’s okay, it really is.” He reminded you, kissing the top of your head over and over again. He hardly knew you on a level to assist and treat you like he was. He was so kind, and you didn’t understand why. You didn’t feel like you deserved it. You’d been lying about what you knew this whole time and the guilt was getting to you in the moment. Before, it was just a passing thought when he mentioned fans and how he was treated, but it was nagging at you. You hoped it wouldn’t come down on you. Maybe it was because you were blaming yourself for someone dying and it was cruel karma coming to haunt you. You stayed silent, trying to relax in Mark’s arms. “You could come visit us before we go home.” He said quietly and you swallowed, forgetting that he did in fact live in another country. That was eating you alive too and if it were to ever go any further with Mark, you’d have to settle for a long-distance relationship and it didn’t seem realistic. It was nagging at your soul and you didn’t know how to say it, so you tried your best to stay calm in the crisis of your brain.

“I’ve had a really good time with you.” You felt like it was moving too fast. You knew it was moving too fast, but you didn’t care. Time was different when it was with Mark, your head was spinning and you felt a few tears well up in your eyes and hoped Mark would pass them off as being upset about what you should’ve been more upset about, which was your friend. You should’ve been less selfish, but you couldn’t help it. It all came crashing down at once and you couldn’t stop it.

You looked over at the boy you were snuggled up in bed with and felt like your whole world was lying down in bed with you, soft eyes met his and he didn’t hesitate to kiss you, a gentle press of lips trying to tell you that it would all be okay, but you knew better. You kissed him back harder, not wanting to let go and you pulled him closer by his cheek, his arms wrapping around your figure and holding you like you were precious to him. You felt needed in that moment. Maybe Mark needed you like you needed him. He was a new experience. You sighed into his kiss, feeling him trace soft circles into the small of your back. He moved his lips and kissed across your face, kissing all the tears and part of your worry away. You needed him and that scared you.

You were pulled out of your head with a knock on the door and in a second it was open, Ten quickly explaining that Mark had left your extra keycard in their room and they wanted to check on you because it had been hours since they heard from you. Mark pulled his face away from yours but still had you in his embrace as Ten and Taemin entered the room and sat at the edge of the bed, both comforting you by laying their hands on your legs through the blanket. It felt weird being around them in your pyjamas and not at all dressed up, but you didn’t care much.

More knocks were on the door and Ten made his way to the door to allow a few faces you hardly saw with Lucas enter the room. You laid eyes on Taeyong and Jongin for the first time outside of the concert and dinner and it felt almost unreal for them to come in, but they entered with soft and tender bare faces and were there to comfort you as well. You felt better, Taeyong coming over to rub your shoulder.

Jongin offered a small smile, waving and coming to give you a small hug from your bed.

“Hi, I’m Taeyong, nice to meet you again.” He introduced himself, but he didn’t need to. His soft voice was even more gentle in person, handing you a few napkins and a bag full of snacks. You saw a white-headed boy slip in the door. “and Baekhyun-hyung.” Baekhyun waved at you, the pair individually coming to give you soft hugs and comfort you in your time of need. It felt odd that they were the ones hugging you, you felt like the more famous one now, them taking their time out of scheduling to comfort you and give you their time. “Sorry we haven’t been around much; we’ve been a little busy.” Taeyong shrugged shyly, rubbing your shoulder before retracting to his friends. You could feel Mark relax a little bit.

“We didn’t get a chance to explain last time, but Taeyong is in NCT with me, Baekhyun and Jongin are in EXO.” Mark told you, making you grin because it was adorable that he thought in all the research you had him convinced you did, he still felt the need to explain. It made your heart warm. “We’re all in the same company and they wanted to make SuperM with all of us in it.” You nodded sweetly.

“It’s really, I mean seriously, really nice to meet you all. You didn’t have to do all this, honestly.”

“It’s no problem, seriously,” Ten reminded you, squeezing your leg in promise. “We thought you needed some company. We all wanted to say our goodbyes.”

“Well hopefully it won’t be the last time I see you guys, right?” You only got mild shrugs and that worried you, but it was something you’d return to later. You didn’t want to overthink anything right then, it was too hard.

“We thought we should throw you a little going away party, get your mind off things, yeah?” Baekhyun said sweetly, handing you a cheap but sweet bouquet of flowers and you had to giggle, pulling yourself out of Mark’s grip to see his smile. He looked just as happy as you, feeling like people he cared about were all in the same room, like it was a huge important moment in his life. It was only a brief meeting with him, but you were happy. You saw Baekhyun, Jongin, and Taeyong sit on the other bed, setting out a few RedBox movies. The most American thing they could do, so it was amusing, but still meant the world. You giggled at their selection of horror films and sweet romance movies. There were about four DVDs and you couldn’t care less about what they were. They were there to spend time with you and that’s what mattered.

“We brought, um, movies!” Jongin said shyly, kicking off his shoes and sitting cross-legged on the bed. Lucas pulled out his laptop from his bag and went over to set it on the TV stand to plug into the television monitor.

“We couldn’t say goodbye just like that!” Lucas reminded you, making you giggle. “We thought you might need some extra company!” He was right, you did. You felt even more important in that moment, laying contently with Mark

You were sitting in a hotel room with the people you’ve looked up to for years, you should’ve been the happiest person in the world, but the situation was nagging at you and it didn’t feel right. You tried to push it off as Lucas picked watching Paranormal Activity, excitedly popping popcorn in the hotel microwave as he danced his way around the suite. He had a habit of making everyone laugh, he was good comedic relief. “I told you guys he was funny.” You reminded, snuggling your head into Mark’s neck as the credits played and Lucas continued to make a scene. It was entertaining to say the least.

“He’s annoying is what he is.” Ten spoke playfully, causing everyone in the room to erupt into laughter, making Lucas pout dramatically, coming over to lay on top of Ten and Taemin both. You loved their chemistry, it made you so happy to see them enjoying themselves.

“You’re not annoying to me.” You told Lucas and everyone else was laughing again. “I count, right?”

“I like you, you’re nice.” Lucas grinned, immediately jumping up when the microwave beeped and running full force over to it to grab the bags. He made two for each bed, equally handing them out.

“At least someone can entertain him.” Baekhyun played along, grinning and taking a sip from his drink. “No, it’s all jokes. We love you, Xuxi.” Lucas giggled again and moved himself to the opposite bed with the other members.

“Sometimes.” Taeyong added. You felt like a part of the family, feeling Mark play with your hair as he relaxed. The room went dark from Jongin turning the lights off. It felt calming and your worries were pushed to the back of your head.

“God, I love horror movies.” Taemin added once the title menu came on, bouncing excitedly as he ate from one bag of popcorn for he and Ten. Ten continued to gently rub your leg through the blanket and relaxed at the edge of your bed with his boyfriend. You’d learned so much about them and you didn’t want it to stop. It scared you that this would all be a distant memory, but you pushed it off as best as you could, just to reminisce in the moment for just a while longer.

The movie played as everyone remained silent. You were sure they didn’t know how to comfort you or offer support, so the silence was sweet. It was about halfway over when you felt Mark snuggle even closer to you, not minding PDA for once in your life. You smiled tiredly, trying to hold onto your last moments with him because you hadn’t even decided when you were leaving yet. You knew you’d have to leave as soon as possible, but since they were in town for a few days, maybe you’d have a little more time tomorrow. Mark pulled you from your thoughts with a quiet whisper. “I’m gonna miss you.” You felt tears well up in your eyes, silently sniffling and trying to keep yourself calm, but it was a tipping point and you weren’t sure how to come back from it.

You looked at him, teary eyed. “I’m gonna miss you too.” You whispered, choking up as you spoke. Ten must’ve heard it, because he squeezed your leg comfortingly with soft strokes, nuzzling his head into your leg and you saw him grab Taemin’s hand. You loved their relationship and your whole world had changed in a matter of a few days. It felt unreal. You were tired, but you didn’t want the night to end. It was the most you’d felt important in a long time to people who weren’t only after you for fame, money, or investments. You felt like you had new friends that had nothing to do with business and that was pure bliss. You didn’t even realize when you’d fallen asleep.

-

You woke up the next morning still tangled in Mark’s arms in an otherwise empty room and it was about the best you’d slept in years. The sweetness of seeing his face close to yours first thing in the morning was incomparable. You brushed his hair out of his face and thumbed over his cheek with your body in his sleeping arms. You sighed sleepily, nuzzling your face back into his neck comfortably and you felt him shift awake, not saying anything even if he was conscious. You laid there for a moment, just staying in his embrace was more than you could ever ask for, but the thought of having to leave was nagging in your brain. It felt wrong. Seven days now. Seven days ago you met this precious boy that felt like he had changed your life.

Seven days ago you made him sleep on a hotel bathroom floor with you and you just woke up in his arms. Seven days ago he was Mark from NCT and today he was a possible love interest. You couldn’t help but feel at least a little excited. You hadn’t forgotten about the fact that you had to leave or why, but it felt different to have people you loved so specially comforting you. You felt like you didn’t deserve it, but you weren’t questioning it anymore. You had to live in the moment.

“Good morning.” Mark spoke groggily, sighing into your neck and placing a kiss under your ear that felt way too intimate to be real. He continued kissing your neck lazily, innocent pecks that felt like electricity on your skin. He always made you feel like his touches were charged, lighting your skin up and sighing into his affection.

“Good morning.” You spoke softly, closing your eyes and letting his lips smooth over your raised skin. He left goosebumps in his trace, soft noises as you pressed your body closer to his. You loved his warmth, feeling the blankets shift over the both of you and you knew you would miss his touch, his fingertips tracing underneath your shirt, tickling your skin but it felt good. He felt good, amazing even. You felt selfish, keeping him in bed when he should be getting ready for the concert. You still had to buy your plane ticket home, but for now you were trying to push those thoughts away, relax into the boy who felt like he’d give you the world.

You felt Mark suck lightly on your neck, surprised and jumping slightly at the action, but his tongue felt good as it soothed the bruise he was trying to make. It was too early to push him away and you didn’t want to, basking in the glory of him wanting your touch, just to be close to you. “What are you doing?” You playfully asked, giggling as he pulled his face away with a dopey smile.

“Um, I think I’m, uh, kissing you?” He said softly, his cheeks bright red as he tried to be confident, but it wasn’t exactly his forte. You didn’t mind, pressing a soft kiss to his lips and trying not to get too intimate, not sure exactly what his actions were inciting, but kissing in the morning felt so different, lips gently pressing over and over again against each other until you tried to part your lips, feeling him pull away suddenly. “Wait, I-I haven’t brushed my teeth.” He made you giggle, shaking your head and sighing at him.

“Go brush your teeth then.”

“Brush them with me.” He said sweetly, voice bathed in childish wonder, grinning at you. You rolled your eyes, pulling yourself out of his grip and slinking out of the bed and over to the sink where you pulled out the toothbrush he’d used before and pulling out your own. You had a weird feeling it would happen again and even though keeping the toothbrush he used felt odd, you hadn’t even thought much about it, but you thanked yourself for doing it. It was the most tender and innocent thing you could do, standing there together in the mirror and brushing your teeth. It felt right. It felt like you were a couple living their married life. You could only dream.

You wanted to bask in it; seeing him step closer to lay his free arm across the small of your back. He stood there for a second while both of you brushed thoroughly, smiling at yourself in the mirror. You felt his hand slide lower, gentle hand giving a soft squeeze to your ass when you saw his eyebrow quirk up. You could tell he was trying to not act nervous, but when you saw the blush on his cheeks and the slight raised outline in his boxers, you felt your stomach get tight. You smiled, reaching your own hand over to slide your palm over it, hearing him choke just slightly at the sudden feeling, looking at you with sweet, needy eyes. You gently massaged over his arousal, grinning before pulling away to finish and rinse your mouth out. Mark followed, shyly cleaning himself up. He looked shyly at you, apples of his cheeks bright red and he was clearly feeling embarrassed.

It was silent, but it was a happy silence, reaching over to grab his hand and tug him back to the bed, immediately pulling the covers over the both of you as you tangled your legs together. You heard him clear his throat, feeling his arousal on your thigh but choosing to ignore it for the time being. You could tell he was embarrassed about it, biting his lip and grazing his eyes over your face.

“What are you waiting on?” You asked, smiling and slightly biting your lip as well.

“I’m just.. looking at you. Um, you’re, um, really beautiful, okay?” You felt your heart pound, reaching up to grab his cheeks and pull his face to you, giving him a hard, open-mouthed kiss, his tongue easily sliding into your mouth and causing you to let out a soft moan into his. He kept his lower half still, just wanting to keep it at kissing because you could tell he was scared, reaching his hand to run through your hair and rest at the nape of your neck to pull you impossibly closer, fading away into the feeling that was Mark kissing you. You wondered how you’d gotten so hooked so quickly, but you shoved the thoughts away, reaching down to move his hand to your waist.

“Kiss my neck.” You whispered against his mouth, feeling his head move and the delicious feeling of his lips on your skin. You felt like you were weightless, giving into his touches as his fingers lightly danced under the hem of your shirt, tracing soft circles into your flesh. He was so gentle, sucking so tenderly on your neck. You could tell he wanted to relish in the moment, not moving further than your neck. You kind of enjoyed that he was so nervous, taking his time with you and making you feel so wanted.

“I-I’m so nervous.” He admitted, pressing another soft peck to your cheek and you felt your heart grow three times in size, wanting to protect and make him feel better. You knew how nerve-wracking this could be for him. It was scary to think that he might be terrified, but you picked his face up and placed another soft kiss on his lips.

“Then.. How about.. Just kissing for now, okay?” You told him and he nodded, hoping it would ease his nerves. “Until you feel more comfortable, yeah?” Mark was so nervous. You stayed like that for a while, his tongue exploring your mouth like it was a new planet, soft kitten flicks against your own. It felt good. Kissing Mark felt better than anyone else you’d kissed by a landslide and your body felt like Jell-O, melting into his arms and easily pulling him on top of you. Mark pulled away for a second and swallowed, giving you a shy smile before laying his head on your chest. It was a moment of intimacy you hadn’t yet shared, and it felt so new. You ran your fingers through his head of black hair, enjoying the feeling of his soft strands through your digits. You heard him sigh happily, nuzzling into the soft fabric of your t-shirt.

“You make me feel.. so happy.” Mark spoke, but his voice sounded defeated, making your chest ache in guilt. You wished you hadn’t made him feel so vulnerable, just as he made you feel. it felt wrong. You felt your eyes well up slightly with tears and you couldn’t help it. You felt like you’d fallen for this boy in just a few days and it was insane but being here with him was enough to ground you a little in an attempt to lengthen the time you had with him. It wouldn’t last forever, and you knew that. It was so soon into everything, but you felt like you were willing to risk it all for him.

“You make me feel happy too.” You told him, kissing the top of his forehead before he picked up his head and returned to your lips, hovering over your body in an attempt to get closer. You felt his arousal against your thigh and giggled, feeling him shift awkwardly.

“Sorry, it, it just happens sometimes.” You giggled at his explanation but cut him off with more kisses, continuing to lay in your bliss with him. You could tell he was embarrassed, but you had to assure him that it was fine. “Morning and all,” He lied through his teeth, giggling awkwardly.

“I don’t mind it, really.” You laid back down comfortably, sighing. You laid like that for a moment, running your fingers through his hair as you continued to make out. It was only a few minutes before he regained his confidence, slipping his tongue back into your mouth and crawling to hover over you. It only took a minute and it boosted your confidence to know that he wanted you so badly, but you didn’t mind his hesitation. “I kind of like it.” You swear you felt him shudder against you.

“I, uh, think I’m okay now.” He laughed, grinning and there was a hint of danger in his eyes. You tested the waters, slipping your thigh between his legs and heard him moan softly, letting him gently grind down against your clothes. It was a cute sight, seeing him so needy. You almost felt desperate, loving the way he made you feel. Someone having so much attraction to you so suddenly. It was moving way too fast, but the rush was like no other with Mark. You felt like your time was running out, reaching down to grab his hand and place it directly over your chest under the fabric, feeling his hand shake in yours as you guided him to massage the supple flesh, groaning into his mouth at the heated touches, soft thumb massaging over your nipple. He moved his other hand to go under your shirt as well, making you gasp and arch into his touch. You felt yourself getting wet and adrenaline was pumping through your veins. Your body was hot, feeling Mark’s lips travel down your neck, softly kissing your skin and not leaving marks. It didn’t feel appropriate.

He lifted your shirt and pulled your upper clothing over your head, putting his lips back to yours when you were only in bottoms. He loved the touch, skin to skin contact was his go-to.

He made you nervous, shaking hands stilling as he tried to gain his resolve and his kisses were slower. You put your hands over his and urged him to go further and that was all he needed, gently toying with your nipples and gaining another moan against his lips. “Mark?” You started, breathing heavy as you sat there, topless and vulnerable. “Do you want to have sex with me?” You heard him swallow, both opening your eyes slightly to look at each other through hooded eyelids.

“Yeah,” He nodded softly, kissing under your ear with the softest lips. “I would like that, yeah.” You grinned at his nervousness, reaching down to softly cup the bulge in his boxers. Your heart was racing, hearing his soft moans against your lips. “Only, if, um, If you, um, want to..” Your giggle was all he needed, grinding softly into your hand before moving his own to remove your bottoms and underwear, an awkward attempt to do for him. You could feel how shaky he was, but once his fingers were on you, slickness coating his digits. You could hear him gasp, slightly embarrassed that he was touching you. “God, you’re so wet, fuck.” You were reminded how much you loved when he swore. It felt so foreign, so not used to hearing idols curse like he did. You loved it, trying to pull his length out of his boxers with your own fumbling hands when he toyed at your clit, following exactly how you’d shown him to do.

“Please fuck me.” It slipped out of your mouth faster than you could stop it and you heard him audibly groan, his brain short circuiting as he tried to make you feel good. His fingers moved down to slip one inside of you, easily moving it and making you moan as he curled it forward, teasing you from not being quite enough. Either he was a natural, or he’d gotten really good practice, but when you felt him slide another in next to it and continuing, you were gasping for air. He smirked devilishly and that was almost the first time he felt confident enough to feel like he had the upper hand. He used his free hand to fully free himself from his boxers and easily sliding off his shirt one-handed. It was kind of impressive and extremely hot that he was able to do so while still making you feel fucking amazing.

You got a glance at his mostly naked body for the first time and it felt like heaven in the daylight of the window, your mouth nearly watering. He moved back to hover over you, giggling against your mouth again when you pulled him in for a harsh kiss. You reached down to pump his arousal a few times and you were only slightly nervous, feeling like he was possibly the most perfect size for you. He felt good in your hand and it was rare that you’d thought that before. He removed his fingers and you felt empty, but ready for him. You retracted your fingers and laid your arms beside you, ready as you spread your legs further for him to slide between. He lined himself up with your entrance and your heart was racing a million miles a minute. When he entered, you felt your eyes roll to the back of your head and you were right. He was perfect, kissing you hard for a period of adjustment. You were wet enough that you didn’t need it, but it was nice to know he was so considerate, waiting just a moment before he pulled out slightly, snapping his hips back into you as he lifted your legs to wrap around his waist. He felt like a god, his warm body against yours and rocking his hips in perfect rhythm with yours, each thrust earning a light gasp. You reached your hands up to pull his face down to kiss you again.

“Fuck, you’re good.” You told him, edging him on and feeling his hands grip your waist firmly, passionate thrusts picked up slight rhythm and rocking his hips into you. It was hard not to ask him to fuck you into the mattress, but this was great for now. It was already about the best sex you’d ever had, and you’d be sure to mention it to him.

“God, you’re perfect.” He was sure to remind you through noises of his own, lifting your hips up to hit an even better angle and you thought you were seeing stars. You had to laugh when he struggled to kick the covers off of the bed but were pulled back in with a particularly intense thrust.

“Fuck, oh fuck.” You moaned, edging him on to keep going. You slipped your hand between the two of you to rub quickly at your clit and that took Mark by surprise, blinking and glancing down with a loud groan.

“You’re going to kill me, you know that?” You could tell he still had some innocence due to his surprise, snapping his hips harder into you and making sure to hit the angle you were most vocal about. You threw your head back into the pillow, gasping and you’d never felt like you were going to come so fast before in your life. You moaned louder and louder, feeling yourself continue to get closer and closer.

“Mark, Mark, fuck.” You warned, gasping softly and seeing him look directly into your eyes, needy and blurry vision as he continued his rhythm.

“Baby, I’m gonna come.” He warned, losing his resolve and his hips were moving sloppier and sloppier, but it felt so good you didn’t care. You were the first to come, having to cover your own mouth with a loud moan, shaking lightly under his touch as he continued, pulling your hand away from yourself and gripping at the bedsheets. You were spent and you felt him gasp, pulling out quickly and making sure he came on your stomach, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood as he watched it splatter on your stomach. He was embarrassed that he’d come so hard, but you didn’t mind even a little bit. “Holy shit.” He laughed softly, nervousness and tiredness taking him over. He collapsed next to you to catch his breath, both of you panting messes as you stared at the ceiling. It took quite a bit of time to snap back into reality, but you decided it would be best to shower together. You know, to save water, you both joked, grinning and making sure one another was able to stand properly inside. You’d never showered with anyone before, so it was a new level experience. The intimacy was so different.

Once you were dry, you and Mark laid in bed for a while, tangled in comfortable clothes and enjoying each other’s arms. You had a lot to plan that day, but relaxing was more important in your brain. Everything else could wait for Mark. You found that out quickly.

Morning coffee turned to afternoon coffee with Mark and picking your plane tickets pulled a few tears from the both of you, but you still had one more night to spend with him and you tried to hint around at plans for seeing him again soon, but you were going to play it by ear until the funeral was over. It seemed like the best decision and it was nice to hear that Mark had wanted to pursue any further. You sat in a coffee shop for what felt like hours, just listening to each other and cracking jokes. You had no idea what had unfolded at the hotel room. You were in for it before you ever knew.

-

Baekhyun had seen something that night in the corner of his eyes as you all laid in bed. He saw a flicker of a light in your half-opened suitcase. It wasn’t uncommon knowledge that Baekhyun had a hard time with seeing his members in relationships. He knew that things went very wrong in the idol world, he’d been in the situation before and gotten crushed, but something bugged him about you. It felt suspicious that you had just so happened to find them at the store and seemingly had no issues remembering who everyone was so easily. Even his family had a hard time memorizing everyone in his groups for a while. You seemed nervous when seeing him, he remembered seeing you slightly amazed when you laid eyes on him for the first time. It seemed odd, but especially unlikely that you caught on so quickly and so easily let yourself follow around some boy in a band you never met before then. Most people wouldn’t follow a stranger like you followed Mark.

Something felt off. It might’ve been a little too nosey to worry about what he was seeing because after a few seconds the light stopped flickering, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wondered why the light was flashing green more than anything. Something didn’t feel right, but he would save it for the end of the movie. He didn’t want to intrude or dig while you were two feet away. It didn’t stop him when everyone else poured out of the room to leave a sleeping you and Mark in bed to spend your time together. Everyone agreed it would be best to leave you both there.

He wanted to know what was going on in your suitcase. It was sitting half open on the floor near the window, just enough for the beam of streetlights outside to crack through. He felt slightly guilty diving through your things, but it begged at his curiosity enough to check it out. If something was fishy, he was going to be the one to snoop. He, as quietly as possible, unzipped the remaining zipper of the suitcase and gently flipped it open, unveiling a collection of NCT, WayV EXO, and a Shinee lightstick. Maybe he was going crazy, but it didn’t seem like a coincidence. The WayV lightstick was by far the hardest to find and mostly had to be pre-ordered or specially found, so that was the one that had the most of his attention. Coincidence his ass.

He was pulled from his snooping when Taeyong lightly knocked on the door. “Baek-hyung?” his soft voice spoke and Baekhyun knew it was probably best if he left. Taeyong didn’t see Baekhyun leave with the others and he was concerned, he shouldn’t have stayed in there when he knew you and Mark were sleeping. Something didn’t feel right, Taeyong wanted to check on his senior. Baekhyun was slightly angry, but he would explore the options later. It seemed like a topic to research later.

It was the next day and Baekhyun was sure that you and Mark were gone, spending the last little bit of your time together until you had to leave. He had his idea. He was ready to investigate further, being sure he held onto the extra keycard to get back into your room when he had a free moment. He wanted to know what was up because he was extremely protective over his members. He’d been in the game long enough and as the leader, he felt responsible for knowing who his members were trusting themselves with. He was always skeptical of people in general, but something about the situation felt absolutely off.

He walked into the empty room with Taeyong, who was buzzing in his ear telling him how he didn’t think it was a good idea. Baekhyun shushed him, feeling like it was his right to know why he felt fishy about you. He got his answer when he opened the suitcase again, revealing all the lightsticks yet again tucked right up under your clothes. Baekhyun was in disbelief. Taeyong was confused, furrowing his brows and not understanding exactly what was unfolding in front of him. Your SuperM one wasn’t there, it was sitting nicely on the bedside table. Baekhyun rolled his eyes at that. Maybe packing your suitcase wasn’t the best moment to have that amount of variety. You knew what was in your suitcase, but you had easily avoided Mark ever seeing you go into it. It was much easier to hide than you thought, but because of a malfunction, you were being scoped out.

“Wait.. lightsticks? As in.. for a fan.. of us…?” Taeyong asked softly, wondering why Baekhyun looked so annoyed. He reached down to uncover the lightsticks, seeing another thing pointed out to him. It was an NCT keychain you’d ripped from your keys the second you got back to your hotel after you saw them there. You knew they hadn’t seen it on there in Walgreens, but you didn’t want to take any chances and tossed it in your suitcase the second you got back.

“Looks like it, doesn’t it?” Baekhyun grunted, aggravated and looking up at Taeyong, who obviously didn’t understand the depth of the situation, but if anyone were to ask him, Taeyong didn’t care so much. “we’ve been being lied to, just to get to Mark.” Baekhyun explained, seeing Taeyong frown. He felt sad that someone would even think of doing that to his friend, but he hoped that Baekhyun was just being dramatic and maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Baekhyun spotted your wallet, biting his lip and wondering if he should look inside. For some reason you hadn’t taken it out to lunch, only stuffed your credit card and ID into your phone case. Who knew you’d regret it later? Baekhyun checked inside, shaking his head with slight angry laughter. “There’s literally a photocard of Lucas in here.” He rolled his eyes again, annoyed and wondering how he’d let Mark get so far into this trap. “And there’s one of me too!” He felt even more annoyed.

Inside, Taeyong hoped it wasn’t that serious, but he had a heavy feeling that it definitely was as the case played out in front of him. Baekhyun did what he shouldn’t have done and pulled the photocard of his face out of the wallet while Taeyong wasn’t looking, he grabbed the damaged keychain from your suitcase and set the luggage back up exactly how it was. He shook his head. You also had an EXO pin connected to one of your jackets by the chair, but Taeyong quickly ripped it off and stuffed it into his pocket before Baekhyun could see it, he didn’t want Baekhyun to make any further moves and that would’ve been the icing on the cake.

Baekhyun frowned and he could tell Taeyong was disheartened, genuinely not expecting you to have hidden something like that. He always thought the best of people, but he was extremely confused in that moment. “So we’ve been being lied to?” Taeyong asked, his brows sad and furrowed at the explanation that Baekhyun was trying to unfold. You were in for it. There was a reason Baekhyun didn’t trust anybody. Even when Chanyeol made friends in Dallas a couple years ago, he felt iffy. He normally was fine with fans, happy to indulge, yet of course very wary about how things could go.

“I think so. And they’re out together right now. I bet he has no idea either.” Baekhyun grumbled, rolling his eyes and making his way back to their own hotel room. “How fucked up can you be to lie to someone for days like that?” He asked hypothetically and he was annoyed deep in the pit of his stomach. How could he let that happen? He was supposed to be the one protecting them, but he got too distracted with traveling around America. He felt disgusted. With you and himself. Baekhyun saw the disappointment in Taeyong’s eyes, and he was sad that he’d made his friend sad, but the overwhelming urge to make sure you got what you deserved was taking over most of his brain. Baekhyun didn’t want Mark to be upset, but he hated that someone had gotten to him and a liar didn’t deserve to get the boy. A liar didn’t deserve Mark.

“Are you going to tell him?” Taeyong asked softly, entering the room and slightly scared of what Baekhyun was going to do. He didn’t know exactly what his senior was capable of, but from what he heard, it wasn’t sounding great. Taeyong didn’t want Mark to be sad and he partially didn’t even understand why it was such a big deal, but he knew Baekhyun wouldn’t be this upset without reason. He had to trust him, even if it didn’t feel right.

“I don’t know yet.” Baekhyun sighed, thumbing over the photocard he had stuffed into his pocket. He didn’t even know how to present the information without seeming like a total asshole because it wasn’t only Mark involved. Taemin, Ten, and Lucas had all gotten involved too and made friends with you and he didn’t know how to go about it in the best way possible, but he knew Taeyong would be too timid to say anything. Your secret was safe with him, but it was whether or not Baekhyun wanted to blow it up and make them all understand how serious the situation was. It wasn’t just soft romantic heartache; it was lies and deceit and you getting to know his friends was based off of lies and neglect for the truth. Baekhyun didn’t trust anyone outside of his company, and that was why. It was his biggest fear and it was involving people he cared about. It made him sick.

Baekhyun sat on the bed for a while, trying to figure out what to do as he looked at the broken NCT keychain in his hands. You’d soon regret buying whatever you wanted out of their collections because this was what was coming to bite you in the ass. You didn’t even remember you had the photocards in your wallet, but you had purposely ripped the keychain off. It wasn’t a good look. Now it really did look like you were hiding something- which, unfortunately, you were. “The plan is to leave tonight right?” He happened to say just as Ten was making his way into the door.

Ten questioned Baekhyun with your name, wondering if it was who he was talking about. “Actually, I think Mark said they looked and tickets were better for tomorrow morning.” Baekhyun quickly realized he wasn’t ready to bring his information forward yet, staying silent and shaking his head as he stuffed the keychain in his pocket. The timing was bad, he knew it. “Mark said he wanted to have one more night together.” Ten shrugged, making his way over to the bed to lay down as he waited for Taemin to finish with his hair appointment. Apparently he was getting it cut and wanted to surprise his boyfriend with it. “At least he’s getting laid I guess.” Ten snorted, scrolling through his phone and making himself comfortable. “I think so at least, I have no idea.” He shrugged again, not thinking his comment was worth more thought.

Baekhyun didn’t even want to think about you and Mark possibly having sex. He really hoped it hadn’t happened. The thought disgusted him. He hated liars. He hated people who treated them like objects, and it felt like that was exactly what you were doing. Realistically, he knew that you probably didn’t even know that what you were doing was such a low blow, but it didn’t stop his angry thoughts, making Taeyong pout and sit on the bed to try to comfort him. Baekhyun waived him off, shaking his head and sighing to pull out his own phone to distract his ever-running mind.

Taemin showed up about 20 minutes later, excitedly making his way to the bed to wake up Ten, who had accidentally fallen asleep while waiting on him. He laid on top of Ten to wake him up, giggling when he got slightly annoyed and tried to shove him off. Baekhyun watched, nose turned up in annoyance. He was thinking about if that was how you and Mark felt. He knew better than anyone that sudden interests could be intense, so he wasn’t opposed to Mark finding someone so quickly, but he was opposed to the idea of a relationship based off of lies and deceit. The thought of relationships had disgusted him, rolling his eyes and he tried to ground himself, knowing he needed a breath of fresh air. He sighed, standing up and deciding to go on a walk. Maybe for a drink, he didn’t know. “I’ll see you guys later, okay?” His voice sounded defeated.

Baekhyun didn’t want to be angry, but the situation kept playing over and over in his head and he didn’t know how to stop it. The keychain and photocard felt heavy in his pocket and he was almost mad that he’d even picked them up. He knew he did it with purpose, but what was the point if it was just going to make everyone upset? You’d made friends with not only one, but four of them and they enjoyed your company so much, he felt guilty carrying the burden of disappointment. He was conflicted. He thought Mark deserved better, but part of him thought it was better if he didn’t know. Maybe after you left, things wouldn’t go any further and you’d be just memories to each other. Maybe he was thinking too hard about it, he didn’t know. He knew he needed a drink.

Baekhyun made his way down to the hotel bar and opened a tab immediately, tipping back some shots and trying to relax. He ordered a light cocktail and decided to call one of his other friends in on the situation. He didn’t want to seem crazy. Taeyong was no help unfortunately, but maybe someone else could help him figure out exactly what to do.

The phone picked up after one short ring. “Chanyeol?”

“Why are you calling me at 4am?” Chanyeol was always a jokester, but he knew if it was Baekhyun at this time, then it probably had to be serious. It was mid-day for Baekhyun right then, so he didn’t even think of the time difference. He hadn’t even realized that he didn’t respond. “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun sighed into the receiver, placing his fingertips to his temples to regain what he was trying to figure out in his mind. Things felt blurry, especially for him to be getting day-drunk at a hotel bar. He felt a little pathetic. He was nervous to even consider telling them now, the alcohol ridding him of the anger and bitterness of the situation, and he was just sad that his friend was being lied to. He got sad when he drank, he knew that.

-

You and Mark had wasted most of the day, just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, especially after the upsetting night. You felt so close to him in such a short amount of time and he felt like a part of you already, inching his way into your heart and it felt good, but so far away at the same time. You were leaving him soon and weren’t even sure if you’d see him again before you left, but you hoped you’d be able to spend at least some time with him before it was over. You knew he’d be back in california at the beginning of the year, but that felt like centuries away and nothing was for certain that you’d even be able to take time off to visit him again, but you hoped. God, did you hope you could.

You made your way back to the hotel, stomach full of food from the day exploring with Mark. He had taken you to a place he found on google, then as you made your way through the park, you ended up with more snacks than you could’ve imagined. You forgot what it was like to explore your own palette outside of Los Angeles, so experiencing it with Mark made it all better. He told you about his Canadian food and what he would eat at home and it made you giggle. He was definitely one of the most interesting people you’d ever talked to in your life. You wished your time could last forever with him, even standing in silence with him and walking in the breeze felt more comforting than with anyone else you’ve ever been with in your life. He was so full of energy and ready and willing to explore new things. You’d never had that before.

You were here for the last official night, Mark walking you inside of your hotel room to get your shoes off and try to relax for the last time that you were sure it would happen. Mark grabbed you by the hand and pulled you to him, reaching his hands up to your face and pulled you in for a kiss, but this one was different. This one meant something more, this one made you feel like it wouldn’t be the end. It felt like Mark wanted to hold onto you forever and not let go. His mouth was warm, and his breath was hot against your face, his tongue immediately gaining entrance and you felt like you stood there, limp and letting him kiss you like the world needed it.

You softly snaked your arms around his waist, gripping his shirt and leaning into the kiss. You didn’t want to leave Mark and that made it that much more apparent in the moment. His mouth moved gently down your face and onto your neck. You sighed at the touch, not knowing if you wanted to get into it that night. It felt a little wrong, almost as if it was expected and that made it feel like you should wait. Like it wasn’t the time. You reached up to pull his face back to yours, kissing him passionately again and feeling him softly moan into your mouth. It felt wrong to cut him off, but you had to do it to save your sanity. You wanted things to last longer with Mark. “Just kissing, I just wanna kiss, okay?” This time you were the nervous one. “Just for now.” You’d told him to calm himself down the night before, but being slow with him felt better, even if your resolve was short lived. You wanted him, but lying in bed tangled together for just a few more minutes was incomparable.

He nodded heavily, smiling against your lips. “Okay.” He spoke into your mouth, kissing you harshly again. Kissing Mark just felt so good, pressing your body even closer to his. His warmth felt like magnetism, grasping at his shirt again. “Wait, wait, wait,” Mark giggled, tugging off his jacket. “It’s um, a little warm.” He giggled softly; blush heavy on his cheeks. He wanted to stay there forever. The look in his eyes felt like he adored you, making your chest tight.

“God, you’re cute.” You told him, brushing his hair out of his face. He giggled softly and shook his head.

“Thank you. You’re pretty cute yourself.” You felt like your heart was melting, kissing him again and backing him back to the bed. It felt more comfortable for you. Mark sighed, crawling over you and it was shockingly the softest, warmest moment you’d had with someone. He repeated your actions, brushing your own hair out of your face. “You really are.” You bit your lip, looking up at him for what you felt like was forever. He sighed, grinning shyly before laying his head down in the crook of your neck and settling his body right up next to yours. You ran your fingers through his soft hair. You would miss it much more than you ever intended. You felt like you’d known him for years and it was only a week. He’d opened your eyes to so much more than you thought someone you idolized could. Him, Taemin, Ten, Lucas, and the others. They made you open your eyes and realize just how human they were. You thought you felt that way before, but it was so different.

“You’re amazing, Mark.” The words came out quickly, blushing heavily and feeling silly for saying it. He giggled too, laying his hand on your stomach, thumbing over your skin through your shirt.

“You’re just saying that.” He brushed it off, shrugging and just trying to comfort you. He thought you’d been through a lot and just having someone there with you probably felt better than anything else at that moment. Soon you’d be home and he could tell your work stressed you out, so he was trying his best to be there for you as much as he could.

“I promise, I’m not.” You told him, sitting up a bit and he followed suit, looking over at you for more of an explanation, but you drew a blank, only leaning in to kiss him again, his lips warm and soft against yours. His lip slipped between yours and begged for entrance and you happily let him, getting a little more excited than intended when his tongue mingled with yours, sparks feeling like they were flying around you as you kissed, feeling him bite your lip and gasping in response. Maybe it would be good to be with him one last time, but you would let it work naturally, not just because you felt like it was right. Because you liked each other, and it felt like the best step. You’d been there a day longer than intended, but your flight was tomorrow morning before their concert and you weren’t thinking about that. You were thinking about Mark; nobody or anything else.  You pulled away for a second. “You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.” It wasn’t a lie. He stayed silent, pressing his lips back to yours in response. You didn’t mind at all.

Your kisses were slow and measured, mouths mending together and pulling you closer, Mark’s hands finding purchase on your hips when your arms went around his shoulders, pulling him closer. His fingertips felt hot when they slipped under your shirt at your waist, tracing over your skin like he had to map you out, just to be precise. You sighed into it, kissing him even harder with slight noises into his mouth. You didn’t mind his touches, but they still were so new to you every single time. He loved that you enjoyed them so much, scooting in a little closer to you to lay your head back on the pillow. You felt like you were in heaven, kissing him like it was your only responsibility in the world anymore. You could do it forever. “I-I want you to touch me.” You told him, hearing his shy giggles in response. “Before I have to leave.”

His fingertips made their way to the hem of your bottoms, slow and soft movements as if asking for permission. You weren’t going to deny him that time, reaching down to grab his hand to push the waistband of your pants down. He helped you pull them off between kisses, only lightly massaging the skin of your thighs for a few minutes. Mark liked contact, that was obvious. You had a small worry that he was only in it for sex because it had gone so fast, but part of you didn’t care. You’d gotten so close so quickly and he hadn’t left your side. It had to mean something to him, you felt it.

He slipped his hand between your legs, lightly playing at your clit through the crotch of your underwear, letting out a staggered moan at the contact. You were in for it, you knew it. He slipped his fingers under the fabric, easily sliding two fingers in and groaning softly to himself at how aroused you were, biting his lip when he slipped another in with ease. You moaned again, hips pulling forward and wanting him to go further, reaching up to pull his face up to kiss him once more. You needed it, you needed his touch, especially if it were the last time and it very well could be.

“Hey, hey,” He stopped you, pressing his forehead to yours and giving you a gentle peck on the lips. He stilled his fingers and made you grind your hips back to continue the friction. You looked at him, eyes hooded.

“Yeah?” It came out as more of a moan, sighing heavily but you could see the slight fear in his eyes, pecking him on the lips once more as he gathered his words.

“I-I don’t want this to just be, uh, you know.” He was smiling a little, but you could tell it was a nervous smile. It made you a little worried, but his words shook your heart, making your chest feel tight. “I want, um, it to be more than this, you know.” He was shaky with his words, but your smile comforted him, blushing heavily.

“Me either.” You assured him, leaning forward to kiss him hard on the mouth, feeling his soft noises against your lips. You hoped he felt better, knowing exactly how he felt about the two of you. You felt him kiss you harder, returning his noises and slipping your tongue into his mouth. You could feel how hard he was shaking, and you wished you could calm him down. It was the third time you’d done anything, but it felt different. Mark wanted you and this felt like the best way to show it, pulling away to smile at you and you returned it gladly, sighing and feeling him relax just a tiny bit. You wanted to assure him further. “I like you a lot, Mark.” You reminded him and he giggled, biting his lip and pecking you on the lips once more before curling his fingers inside of you, pulling a gasp from your throat you didn’t expect. He found your spot so quickly, abusing it, making you only able to stutter out gasps. “Mark, fuck.” You breathed out, seeing his confidence grow. You didn’t know why he was so good at it, but he made you feel better than you could’ve imagined, quick movements curling toward himself and you were reacting better than he thought you were. He felt his dick twitch in his pants, adjusting to be a little more comfortable and you bit your lip, reaching over to place your hand over his jeans, palming over his arousal.

“God, I want you so bad.” It made your chest tight, biting your lip and loving how he ground up into your hand, eyes nearly closing. The sound of his fingers inside of you edging him on. You wanted him too and it was driving you a little crazy how good it felt to have him like this, but you didn’t want it to stop. You quickly moved to undo his jeans, feeling his fingers slip out of you. You sighed, moving over him and pushing him back to lay on the bed. You hovered over him, pushing his jeans down his thighs. You could see how red his face was and it excited you, teasing your fingers over his boxers as you earned sweet and soft gasps from him. He was sensitive and it was cute. Everything about him was cute. You reached your hand into the waistband of his boxers, tugging them down as well and he helped you pull them off, trying not to giggle as he struggled to pull his own shirt off as well. You laid there, smiling at his naked figure. You could look at him all day, seeing him flush and feel exposed. “I-I’m not really that used to this,” He reminded you and that almost made it better, shutting him up with soft kisses.

“It’s fine, you’re doing great, okay?” You scooted down his body and heard him gasp when your face got near his stomach, almost in disbelief at the thought of you going down on him. It wasn’t even a thought he had, but he was happy to let you do it, wrapping your fingers around his length and placing your mouth on his tip, trying to go easy on him because he was already having a bit of a fit, head thrown back into the bed sheets and moaning wantonly. It was a fun sight to see, him losing control. You liked when he did, but you wouldn’t tell him that. You moved your mouth slowly, taking just a bit of him in at a time, swirling your tongue around the head and giggling when he whined. You pulled off, jerking him off a bit so you could talk, bring him back to earth. “You’re so cute.” You told him, hearing him sigh and lay his arm over his head.

“It’s so embarrassing, I’m sorry.” He told you, covering his face and moving his hips into your hand.

“No, I love it.” You told him, sighing happily and taking the head into your mouth again. His gasp edging you further to suck, tongue digging into the slit. You’d never really been so interested in giving head before, but Mark made you feel much better about it, he was so shy and loved it so much. You pulled off, seeing his chest rise and biting your lip. You hoped he could last longer, but you weren’t sure, moving to crawl back over him, chest to his to press your lips back to his again. “Please fuck me.” You told him, getting a shy grin in return.

“Okay.” He nodded, kissing you back and flipping you to where he was hovered over you, moving his lips to your neck immediately and pushing your shirt up and over your head, biting your lip because it was the most skin on skin contact you’d had. He felt warm and comforting, his body over yours and settling between your legs. He reached down, tugging your underwear off and playfully tossing them off to the side.

“Someone’s confident.” You joked, seeing his eyebrow quirk up, staying silent.

He opened your legs further, thumbing over your clit and making you gasp in surprise, laying your head back just a bit as he lined himself up, still perfectly wet enough to slide inside. Your moan was much louder than you wanted, seeing his eyes shut and his hands finding purchase at your waist, gentle thrusts making your whole body feel hot. You gasped loudly when he gave a hard thrust, crooking his hips just right to make you moan. Loud. “Fuck,” You whined. “Mark, please.” You saw him blush harder, leaning down to kiss you as he continued his shallow thrusts, moaning deeply into your mouth. It was heaven with Mark, completely focused on you and nothing else. It wasn’t long before you were both done for, wishing it would last longer but the feeling and pleasure was so heightened, you couldn’t help it. Picking up thrusts and going faster, his hand slipping up to thumb over your nipple. You groaned, feeling his hips snap into yours and stimulating your clit. He hit you in just the right ways, gasping as your orgasm came closer and closer. “Mark, I-“ He nodded, panting heavily.

“Me too, baby, me too.” The pet name made you feel hot, gasping as the wave crashed over you, throwing your head back into the pillows and clenching around Mark. Hearing him moan himself made you shudder and he quickly pulled out, making a mess on your stomach for the second time. You had to giggle, knowing it was because it was him that you didn’t mind. He laid next to you, laying his head on your chest and feeling too tired to clean up his mess. He reached over for a towel you’d used for your face earlier in the day because it was close, quickly asking you if he could use it. “Is this towel okay?” He asked between pants, you laying there a heavy breathing mess. You nodded, trying to regain your composure. You were so tired. You were never like that with anyone else.

You laid like that for a while, trying to forget about the fact that you’d be leaving tomorrow. You didn’t want to think about it. Mark had his arm laid across your waist, holding you close to him and thumbing over your skin with soft sighs, relaxing as you both laid there, completely spent and enjoying your last night together.

You fell asleep in his arms, hands running through his hair and you woke up spooning before you realized you’d fallen asleep. Nobody had ever made you feel that good in your life, so you dealt with the consequences of falling harder and deeper for someone you hardly knew. You vaguely wished it was just sex, so things were less complicated, but that wasn’t nearly as easy of a case, but you’d deal with it later. You always said that, and it got you in trouble. You hoped it wouldn’t.

[dailyaudiobible]

02/06/2021 DAB Transcript

Exodus 23:14-25:40, Matthew 24:29-51, Psalms 30:1-12, Proverbs 7:24-27

Today is the 6th day of February welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I'm Brian it is a joy to be here with you today as we approach the end of another one of our weeks together. And when we conclude our reading for today, we will have completed nearly…nearly a full week of the month of February. So, it is exciting to be on this journey and take the next step forward, which will lead us back into the book of Exodus. And if we remember we are at the mountain of God. We are with the children of Israel surrounding Mount Sinai. God is speaking and beginning to lay out some of the principles and rituals and laws that He is integrating as He weaves together the tapestry of the Hebrew people. So, we’re reading from the Voice Translation this week, which is today. Exodus chapter 23 verse 14 to 25 verse 40.

Prayer:

Father we thank You for Your word. We thank You for another week and it. They’re just kind of…well. They’re moving by day by day step-by-step they’re moving by as they should but we’re recognizing that we’re moved into this new year. This is our year to live and You are instructing us. And we thank You for the word over this year, to “Mend”. This is this year of mending. And, so, we hear what was written in the Psalms today, the 30th chapter - “Eternal one, my true God, I cried out to You for help. You mended the shattered pieces of my life.” That is our prayer God. Some of us came into this new year unrecognizable completely shattered into a billion pieces and some of us feel that way right now. But this isn’t a matter of degree. It’s not like we’re trying to measure up to see whose more shattered here. We’re all broken, and we've all got shattered pieces in our lives, we have shattered pieces in our hearts. Life has dealt us some blows. It does this to everyone. And we are instructed to love You with our whole heart, and we confess that there are broken pieces of our hearts. Come as is in the Psalms. We cry out to You for help. You mend the shattered pieces of our lives. So, as we release this week as it becomes a part of our history, we look forward into the future for You to mend the shattered pieces of our lives. Come Holy Spirit we pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com that is home base, that is where you find out what's going on around here. And an alternative to that would be the Daily Audio Bible app, which you can also find out what’s going on around here. So, stay…stay connected.

Be aware of the Community section, be aware of the Prayer Wall. Visit the Prayer Wall. Be aware of the resources that are available in the Daily Audio Bible Shop.

And if you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible I…I can't thank you enough. I Can't thank you enough. We wouldn't be here if we were not in this together. I…I say that often say that often because it's the truth. So, thank you for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage. If you're using the app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you've a prayer request or encouragement hit the Hotline button in the app. No matter where you are on this planet hit the Hotline button in the app and you can share from there or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi this is Renzo from Maryland. I just wanna pray for the girl on the other line. This is February 1st. I just want to pray for the other girl on the other line that said her mom was a drug addict and she was 13 years old. I just want to say that's amazing that you’re on here reading the gospel at 13 years old. Keep keep…doing that. That's amazing. And I just pray for your mom right now. Father God I just thank You for everything that You do for us and I just please pray God that her mom just recovers from this addiction God. I believe You can heal anybody's addiction God. You’ve healed mine. You’ve healed my addiction to porn God, and I thank You that You healed that for me, and I've been clean for almost two years now and I thank You God that You did that. And, so, please just help her to just get closer to You God and just forgive her of what she did. Sometimes it’s so hard for us to forgive and that's how it was for me God. I just thank You for You for everything that You do for us God and we love You in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen. God bless you have a good rest of your day.

Hi this is Tiffany at first time caller from Cleveland OH. I've been listening every day this year and I pray with you daily. I feel so close to the DAB family and I thank you Brian for your love. Today I ask for prayer for my husband Tony and I. February 24th will be seven years since our daughter Janna's death. Our grief is difficult through this month as we remember our girl gone too soon. Grief also affects my ability to focus. Please pray for me to love my husband, to feel, to focus, and to be a good mom to my living children. Thank you in advance.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible this is Emily from Minnesota and actually this is my first year doing DAB. I started January 1st and I found it to be such a blessing. I have been hit with a bit of suffering the past couple of years period. It started with my son who died by suicide his freshman year of College in his dorm. And my family really wants…doesn't want to go to God for this. So, I am just simply embracing Jesus to carry me through. And then also my parents and my two brothers they've all been hit pretty hard. My mom was placed in memory care last year upstate when Covid hit in March and my dad is living independently but is showing strong signs of dementia and isn’t really willing to accept a lot of help. My younger brother lost his wife to cancer November 30th with a young family of four. And I have an older brother who appears to be struggling with addiction and homelessness. I just want to ask you all to lift up my family. I just do the best I can and rely on Jesus to carry me through each day each step. It's rough some days. And I know He has a plan and I know…I know God knows and I would just to ask for your support in my journey. Thank you.

Hey, my supportive DAB family this is Kingdom Seeker Daniel. Family, support is absolutely what I need right now. The short of it is I received a call from my ex-wife which is a miracle all by itself. She was very distraught and informed me that our son Daniel the 2nd, basically snapped and was admitted into a psych ward. And I guess they were trying to prescribe some meds to him, and he refused. But at any rate after several attempts to reach him I finally got a chance to talk with him and he did not sound like my son, did not sound like my son at all and I just need your prayers. I’m believing God to rescue my boy from this place that he's in. And, so, I'm asking if my family would come around Daniel Christopher young the 2nd? My ex-wife also informed me several years later that my…my youngest Hannah was assaulted twice. Why she chose not to tell me until eight years later I don't know but needless to say Hannah is in a bad place as well. My oldest Bianca is confused with her identity sexually. And, so, family will you please pray for my children. Bianca, and Daniel, and Hannah.

[singing starts] Oh, my Savior I am so grateful I'm Yours. Oh, my Savior I am so grateful I'm Yours. With every new sun that rises Your mercy it meets me there. Your faithfulness is unchangeable. You always love me and care. Oh, my Savior I am so grateful I'm Yours. Oh, my savior I am so grateful I'm yours. [singing stops] I lift this offering up to you Jesus and I ask Lord that you would cover the Daily Audio Bible family with your blood, that you would fill them to full and overflowing with your Holy Spirit, that you would protect them, keep them safe, bless them. And father God let us enter deeper into your presence. Great is your faithfulness. We love you so much. In Jesus’ name we ask these things. What a miracle. I love you Treasured Possession.

Well, hello everybody and congratulations you finished your first month listening to the DAB. Job well done. That is awesome. So, welcome all new listeners and of course us long time listeners this is Lori music the transplant from Chicago down to beautiful Hebrew Springs Arkansas. Lord I'm just coming to You and we’re thanking You for the people that do call in and share their stories and prayer requests and many of them just break my heart Father God, but I pray immediately for You all. But I'm calling today to come before the Lord with the unspoken prayer requests, the ones that people are too shy or timid to call in and request. So, Father You know these unspoken prayers Father God. You know our hearts You know our needs You know our wants and our desires Father. So, I'm asking a special blessing on those people that haven't called in yet and that You answer their prayers Father God. And Lord You know I've been out of a job since November, but I know that Your timing is perfect Father. So, every day when I wake up, I will say this is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. Oh wow, so, I'm starting my 11th year on DAB and my second year on Chronological. I pray for Brian and Jill and China, give them special blessing father. We love you all. Have a blessed day.

[peterthepark]

crush culture - [two]

call it fate, call it caffeine

pairing: steve harrington x reader

summary: coffee can help with a lot of things - and one of them entails becoming closer to your crush.

warnings: strong language, caffeine, FLUFF, uses of social media and brief mentions of cheating

A/N: loved writing this chapter a lot. hope u enjoy everyone! :)

Drumming your fingers against the counter, you began to adjust the obnoxious green hat on your head, frowning at the long line of customers before you. It wasn’t that you hated your job - you just... preferred not doing it (which in your opinion, was completely valid, despite how ridiculous it sounded). However, you did like caffeine and the perks that came with being an employee at your favorite shop. You’d see cute guys sometimes - they’d order the most blasphemous things off the menu - and sometimes you’d gain the courage to ask them out after your shift. Most of the times, they’d say yes, recognizing you from their classes or in the hallways on campus. Exchange numbers, plan the first date, show up, and let it all unfold naturally - yet nothing progresses.

Your love life was bitter, unlike how you liked your coffee.

You squeal excitedly when Nate Mendoza walks through the double doors, calling out your name with a sing-song voice. Of course, you cherished your dear friendship with your roommates, but Nate was just that one friend you couldn’t shake off or forget - no matter the circumstances.

He was also undoubtedly attractive: his blue eyes, a stark contrast to his dark hair. But despite the many rumors and claims that the two of you have been dating, he had a girlfriend back home; you had a strictly platonic relationship with the boy, who was almost like a brother to you.

“What’s up, Y/L/N?” He high fives you over the counter, attempting the handshake that you had developed over the course of your friendship. “Can I get, uh...”

“One chocolate chip cookie with a vanilla latte?” You smirk proudly, having memorized his order as well. He nods with a wide grin, handing you his credit card. “Coming right up, Mendoza.”

Conveniently, you were nearing your break. So after you had gotten Nate’s order sorted, you approached him with his pastry and mug, setting it down on the little corner table that he loved to sit by. You complimented his outfit, and cooed at how long his hair had gotten. Living in Chicago made it difficult for you to hang out with Nate, but he mostly would drive down for the holidays to visit.

“Has it been that long?” You nod your head, counting the amount of months that he’s been M.I.A. “That’s crazy! Alright, tell me about college. Give me the whole experience.”

“Okay, well. It’s not too great. Lots of coffee and studying - a lot of them being for pointless shit that I’m pretty sure I won’t need when I get my actual job. Uh, parties. I literally went to a party like yesterday! You should’ve told me you were in town! I would’ve brought you along.” You nudge his hand from across the table, smiling when he offers you a piece of his cookie.

“Fuck, man. I’m too tired for parties.” He smacks his lips together, wagging his index finger at you as he waited for the right words to come to him. “Ah! Have you gotten a boyfriend yet? Or - or a girlfriend for that matter?” You shake your head with disappointment. “It’s probably cause your game is weak.”

“Okay, okay!” You laugh at him, covering your mouth as you chew on his food. “I’m not - I don’t know, Nate. I guess I just haven’t been looking for anyone? M’too busy for that shit.”

“That’s because you aren’t supposed to look.” Nate scoffs, causing you to glance up at him in interest. “That - that special person is supposed to come to you. Trust me, when the-“

“Time is right, it’ll happen.” You give him a small smile. “Hopefully I won’t have too wait that long.”

Sadly, your break is over after talking to Nate for what felt like ages. You retreat to the register once again after washing your hands, putting on a cheery front for customers. Nate insists that he’ll stay for the rest of your shift, wanting to spend more time with you afterwards.

Collecting your things, you sling your purse over your shoulder, nodding your head towards the door so that Nate follows. The frigid air bites at your skin, and you curse yourself for not bringing a jacket.

“Here, take mine.” Nate shrugs his off, draping it over your smaller frame.

“God, have you even washed this shit?” You joke, tugging it tighter around yourself for warmth.

“Yeah, I have. Like maybe four months ago.”

“You disgust me.” You chuckle, shoving his arm.

You’re rounding the corner of the sidewalk when you see a familiar face approach: brown fluffy hair, denim jacket, and a red bike - yeah, that’s definitely Steve Harrington.

“Oh, we should go back,” You’re about to turn around until Nate glares at you, narrowing his eyes at you suspiciously.

“Alrighty, then. I’m not gonna question it.” He shrugs, following you once again.

The universe is a fucking bitch. You take it all back.

“Y/N?”

You and Nate pause in your steps, and you have no choice but to face him.

“Oh, hey, Steve. Funny, uh, funny seeing you here.” You grin, ignoring the dirty look that Nate was sending him.

“Hey, yeah. Um, what are you up to? I was just - just gonna go get coffee at Fran’s.” His eyes flicker to Nate, visibly eyeing him up and down.

This was the guy who was in the picture with you.

Steve masks the scowl on his face with a easy smile, pulling his earbuds out of his ears.

“I actually just finished my shift there.” You sway from one foot to the other, hands tucked beneath Nate’s jacket. “Sucks we didn’t get to see each other.”

“Well, good thing I ran into you then.” You dip your head at the remark, and before you can continue again, Nate is holding his hand out for Steve to shake.

“Don’t think we’ve ever met. I’m Nathan.” There was a tone in your friend’s voice that you couldn’t place, and suddenly, he seemed intimidating. Poor Steve seemed uneasy. You don’t miss the tiny twitch in his eye when Nate squeezes a bit too hard. “And you are?”

C’mon, Nate. Why do you have to be such a fucking asshole to him?

“Steve. Uh, you guys are... friends?”

You nearly jump when Nate’s arm snakes around your waist, pulling you into his side. “Something like that. Yeah.”

Oh, this dickhead. This overprotective, complete, idiotic dickhead.

You glance away from Steve, trying to avoid his questioning gaze as it bounces from you to Nate, then back again.

“Um, well - well, it was nice running into you, Y/N... and, uh, you too, Nathan.” Steve clears his throat, rubbing at the nape of his neck. “Hopefully I’ll catch you at work one day. Maybe hang out or something.” He chuckles, running a hand through his hair.

He wanted to hang out?

You exchange an excited grin with him. “Yeah, of course. Have a good day, Steve.”

“Right. Bye, again.” He hops back on his bike, pedaling away. You don’t hesitate to look back at him as he rides off - maybe your eyes are playing tricks on you, but he looks back as well. And you smile.

That is until Nate starts interrogating you, causing you to get a bit pissed.

“Dude, what is your deal?” You huff at him, shaking your head with irritation.

“That’s Steve Harrington.”

“Okay, and?” You cross your arms against your chest, protesting when Nate pulls you closer to him as he frowns at the people who decide to walk right through your conversation. “Nate, what about him?”

“He’s an asshole.”

“And so are you.“ You gesture at him, letting your hand fall lazily against your thigh. Nate raises his eyebrows at you, patiently waiting for you to quit talking. “Fine, then. What do you mean?”

“I’ve heard some shit from - from a few people. He cheated on Olivia with that sorority girl.”

Cheated? He was a cheater?

“Those were rumors. And besides, why are you telling me this? It’s not like I care.”

Oh, but you do care. You care immensely.

“Really? Because the way you were looking at each other said otherwise.” You’re about to interject, but Nate holds a hand up, shushing you. “I’m just lookin’ out for you, kiddo. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have a crush on him-“

“I do not have a crush on him.”

Liar.

“You sure?” You nod confidently, squaring your shoulders. “Just don’t come crying to me if he decides to break your heart, Y/N.”

“You’re a very mean person. And I’m suddenly not cold anymore.” You shrug his jacket off, handing it to him with a dramatic pout.

“I’m only mean because I‘m trying to protect you.” You nod gratefully at his words, but the thoughts at the back of your head don’t stop swarming you.

You didn’t want to believe Nate’s claims of Steve being a cheater, but then again, who’s to say that they aren’t actually true?

-

“Do you guys know anything about Steve and Olivia?” You turn the sink on, soap roaming around your hands as you scrub delicately at the dirty dishes.

“Steve and Olivia? Girl, that’s ancient history.” Kate cackles, throwing her head back against the sofa to give you a look of attitude. “Why are you asking?”

“Heard some stuff about them. Just wondering.”

“All that crap is bullshit.” Robin pipes up through a mouthful of cereal, chewing obnoxiously as she gestures at you. “His ex-girlfriend started those rumors to get back at him. It’s stupid. Reminds me too much of high school drama.” She scoffs, shaking her head.

“Speaking of Steve, have you texted him?” Kate cocks her brow at you, smirking mischievously.

Robin nearly spits out her Lucky Charms at the question.

“You have Steve’s number?!” She squeaks, holding the back of her hand to her mouth with shock. “Oh, my god. I see it now.”

“Right?” Kate turns to her. “I saw it from the beginning.”

“What the fuck are we seeing? What is there to see?You shut the sink off, placing your hands on your hips as you move to stand in front of the TV. “Am I supposed to be seeing something? Because if you don’t know, I’m actually fucking blind.”

“You like Steve!” Robin says in a sing-song voice, pointing her spoon at you. Giggles fill the room as your face turns red, and you begin to pace back and forth.

“I do not like him! Why is everyone thinking that I like him?”

“You’re being-“

“I’m not defensive!” Your chest heaves as Robin and Kate exchange knowing look, both sharing identical smiles as they look you up and down. Clearing your throat awkwardly, you ruffle at your hair, bunching it up into a mess. “Okay, maybe I do. Just a little.”

You wince when a ear-piercing scream escapes from Kate, who runs up to tackle you in a jumping embrace. Robin makes kissing noises in the background, squishing her cheeks together.

“You have to text him, Y/N.” Kate lets go of you, grabbing your hand in support.

“No, no, no way.” You toss your hands up, waving the idea away as you plop down onto the beanbag in the corner. “I’m surely not gonna text him.”

“What are you so afraid of? You have nothing to lose!” She points out as Robin hums in agreement. You bite down on your thumb, training your eyes onto the grey carpet.

“What if he doesn’t like me? What if - what if when he gets to know me, he’ll be disappointed?” You ramble.

“Okay, well, how are you gonna answer that question if you haven’t given him a try?” Robin shrugs at you, standing up to hand you your phone. “Take a risk. Fuck everything.”

Yeah.

Fuck everything, right?

“I’m doing this alone.” You chuckle, taking your phone into your bedroom.

“Don’t send nudes, please!”

“And no sexting in this apartment!”

You huff at the wolf whistles of your two roommates, teasing you from the living room. Switching on the lamp on your nightstand, you slide under your covers as you pull up Steve’s contact. You groan aloud, feeling a build-up in your nerves as you stare at the string of numbers.

Texting seemed too formal. You curse at yourself for backing out, resorting to the confines of pointless Instagram stories to free your mind. Almost as if the universe had heard your cry for help, a colored ring appears around Steve’s profile picture, and without hesitation, you excitedly tap on it.

Based on the photo, Steve seemed to be in one of the campus’ libraries, pulling a late-night study session by himself. You pause for a minute, before you slowly swipe up on the screen, which brought you the option to send him a message.

need a coffee refill? ☺️

Sent.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

You instantly lock your phone after it sends, holding a pillow to your face as you let out a muffled scream. You kick at your sheets with heart-pounding anticipation, trying your hardest not to peek at your phone for another five minutes in fear of getting no reply.

Then, a notification pops onto your lockscreen, and your hands fumble to open it.

i would love one

Typing...

from you specifically :)

With a dreamy smile, your limbs shift with giddiness as you move to lay on your stomach, legs swinging mindlessly in the air.

want me to come over? 😂

Maybe you shouldn’t have said that.

ur serious?

Fuck. Was that appropriate? Did you force him into a situation that he’d have to awkwardly say no to?

i don’t mind

i could rlly use the company then 😁

so what’s your drink of choice?

hmmmm

surprise me 😩

You chuckle, shaking your head at the suggestion.

just don’t be mad if i get u something terrible

on my way 😇

With a sigh of relief, you hastily move to slip on a sweatshirt, grabbing your phone and car keys as you tiptoe out of the bedroom.

Robin lays on the sofa, snoring lightly as you try to quietly unlock the front door.

“Mmm... where you going?”

Ah, shit.

“Gonna go for a walk.” You reply casually.

She turns onto her side, peering at you with droopy eyes. “It’s midnight.”

“I’ll be back. Don’t worry.”

Okay, you do like Steve.

You like him a lot.

That‘s pretty fucking obvious enough... because who the hell gets out of bed at twelve in the morning to go buy coffee for some boy they’ve just started talking to?

You hiss when your palms come in contact with the steaming hot coffee, one carried in each hand. There aren’t many students left in the library - most of them cramming for exams or either falling under the cursed spell of sleep. You double check Steve’s message, searching for him towards the back of the building. Your heart beats faster when you catch sight of his profile, nearly walking right past him from how nervous you were making yourself. His earbuds are in, obviously unaware of your arrival as he rapidly types at his laptop.

You set the two coffees down, laughing softly at how Steve jumps in genuine surprise. He looks up at you, mouth agape. He suddenly realizes how much of a mess he looks, and he quickly runs his hands through his hair to fix it.

“Y/N, what - you actually came.” A smile tugs at his lips, and he pulls out the chair beside him for you to sit in.

“You wanna get rid of me already?” You joke, finding amusement in Steve’s distraught expression.

“No!” He says a little too loudly. “No, no, s’nothing like that. I just didn’t think you’d go out of your way to see me. Especially at...” He checks his watch. “...one in the morning.”

“Well, how else are you gonna make it through this night? Or morning, technically?” You hand him his coffee, warning him that it’s a bit hot. “I hope you like white chocolate.”

He takes a sip from the lidded drink, nodding his head at the sugary flavor. “Shit’s good.”

“Seriously?” You chuckle.

“You got taste, Y/N.” He gestures, subconsciously bumping his knee against your thigh as he returns to working, yet still taking the time to hold a conversation with you.

“Okay, so fill me in. What’s going on here?”

Steve explains that he’s got a big essay to work on for one of his minor subjects, and at the same time, he’s stuck with studying for a huge test from his criminal justice course. You listen attentively, trying your best to understand the complex terms he uses in his rambling state.

“Sorry if I went overboard. I just really, really like my major, even if it stresses the fuck out of me.” He scoffs nervously, running his hand through his hair.

“No, it’s great to hear someone so passionate about their studies. It’s super inspiring. I think it’s cute.”

Oh, hell.

You did not just say that he was cute. Sure, you said it in a completely indirect way, but you still fucking called him cute.

Steve blushes, dipping his head down to avert his eyes from you. “Uh, y-you wanna listen to music with me?”

You nod with enthusiasm (slightly embarrassed on the inside), before putting the left earbud into your ear as Steve hits the play button on his playlist. You smile when you recognize the song, it being from one of your favorite artists.

“No way! I love this one!” You sway in your seat, chuckling as Steve mimics your movements. You whisper-shout the lyrics to one another, creating microphones with your fists as you hold it to your mouths. You ignore the weird stares from the other students in the room, only having eyes on Steve as you reach the ending of the impromptu duet.

“Oh, my god, that was - that was great.” He doubles over onto the desk with laughter, feeling himself already perk up from the caffeine. “I didn’t know you had such amazing taste in music. First, coffee, now this? You’re the best.” He points his pen at you, raising his eyebrows with clear satisfaction as you continue discussing your favorite songs.

The best.

He called you the best.

“Thanks, Steve.”

After another hour of conversation and studying, you both begin to wrap things up. Steve tosses the empty cups of coffee into the nearest bin, thanking you as you help him pack up his textbooks and laptop.

He kindly holds open the door for you on your way out, letting it swing shut behind him as the windy air nips at his ears. He walks you to the parking lot, driving his bike with his hands as he comes to a stop by your van.

“W-would you like a ride back to your place?” You offer, rubbing at the sleeves of your sweatshirt. “It’s really cold and dark outside, so...”

Steve smiles. “Yeah, thank you, Y/N.”

“No problem.”

The turn signal ticks loudly as you round the street towards Steve’s apartment. His bike rattles in the backseat, folded over to fit the van.

“I hope your, uh, your boyfriend is okay with this.” Steve sniffles from the heater, scratching the underside of his jaw.

“My boyfriend?”

“Yeah, that Nathan guy from earlier today? He’s your boyfriend, right?”

Well, shit.

“Oh, jesus. He totally isn’t. Trust me.” Steve sends you a questioning look, doubt written all over his features. “I’m serious, Steve. He’s just my best friend, and he’s protective over me, kinda like a brother.”

“That’s good.”

Why was that good? Good that Nate wasn’t your boyfriend? Good that you weren’t dating anybody?Steve couldn’t have possibly liked you back.

Unless... he did?

You shut the engine off when you arrive at his place, walking with him into the lobby. The elevator ride is mostly silent, but there’s an unrecognizable tension that wavers in the air.

He stops you for a second before he unlocks the door to his apartment, twirling his keys between his fingers.

“Uh, I wanted to say thank you for keeping me company. I had lots of fun with you earlier.” He smiles down at you.

“Me too, Steve. You’re a really sweet guy.” You chuckle, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“And you’re a sweet girl.”

Oh, woah.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Steve clears his throat, continuing with a casual tone of voice. “Listen, I was wondering if I could... if I could get your number? Maybe we can hang out again or something, if you’re like available, you know.”

Holy fuck.

Say something. Say anything.

“Yeah, I would like that.”

Steve nods happily, taking his phone out from his pocket. He pretends as if he didn’t have your number in the first place, re-entering it into your already saved contact.

“Okay, great! Thanks. Uh, thank you for... for walking me here. And earlier, which I already mentioned - okay! I’m gonna go now.” He points at his door, cringing at himself with a disappointing sigh.

Confidently, you pull him into an embrace, making the butterflies in your stomach rejoice when he returns the hug with a tighter squeeze.

“Good night, Y/N.” He mumbles into your hair before stepping away.

“You as well, Steve.”

A smirk forms on his lips. “I’ll text you, yeah?”

“I’ll be waiting.” You lightly bounce on your heels, biting your lip as you finally lock eyes with him.

Suddenly, Steve’s hand reaches around behind you, causing your eyes to widen with surprise. He pulls the hood of your sweatshirt over your head, letting it cover your ears and parts of your hair.

His fingers trail down the uneven drawstrings, gently tugging on them.

“It’s cold outside.”

“I know.”

“Don’t want you to get sick.” You can’t fight the grin on your face, watching carefully as Steve turns open the door to his apartment. “Well, get home safe, Y/N.”

Flustered, you start to stutter over your words, forgetting all the right things to say. “You too!”

Idiot.

With one final smile and a sweet gaze in your direction, Steve slowly shuts the door, leaving you in the hallway. You slap at your reddened face when you hear the lock click, scolding yourself for saying something completely idiotic at the last minute.

Meanwhile, Steve leans on the other side of the door, resting his head against the smooth surface as he stares up at the ceiling in an enchanted state of mind. Silently, he begins to jump joyously before he victoriously pumps his fists into the air.

Who ever thought that coffee could draw two souls closer together?

TAGLIST

@aphrodites-perfume @itsametaphorbriansblog @delicrieux @ultrunning @l0ve-0f-my-life @novaddictx @liakgs @loulouloueh @charming-fan-girl

[the-trans-otter33]

Sanders Sides The Martian AU

Note: I used canon information from the original The Martian characters so jobs, education levels, and other facts could be accurate to the story. It will remain this way just for the sake of accuracy. All original character info can be found on The Martian Wikia and all credit is due to Author Andy Weir, creator of The Martian

----------

Introduction Post

JULY 7TH, YEAR 2035

----------

Roles:

Commander: Thomas Sanders

Doctor: Patton McManus

Pilot: [Major] Roman Cone

Computer Specialist: Logan Locke

Navigator: [Dr.] Remus Cone

Botanist: [Dr.] Virgil AsheFord

EVA Specialist: D. Dain Dechard

----------

Character Info.

April 24th, 1993, 42, Thomas Sanders- Thomas was the first to be chosen for the Ares III mission. He graduated with honors from the US Naval Academy with a Doctorate in oceanography. After the navy, he entered into CalTech's Division of Geological and Planetary Sciences before joining NASA and taking trips to the SpaceX Station. He takes a lot of time to speak at public gatherings and conferences, encouraging others to achieve their dreams as he did and living life to the fullest. Thomas has dedicated his recent months as Commander to making sure his team bonds and remains safe, oftentimes treating them like family or adopted sons. Thomas is NASA’s first openly gay commander and is proud of it and his 22 year long marriage with his husband, Daniel.

Appearance: Thomas Sanders is 5' 10" with a healthy body. He is not lean nor pudgy, being in a somewhat perfect balance in-between. Sanders wears a classic brown undercut with no ability to grow facial hair, much like Patton. His eye color is brown and he enjoys staying in old and new uniforms more than regular clothing.

January 15th, 2001, 34, Patton McManus- The youngest member of the 7 person crew on Ares III, Patton McManus is not someone to be trifled with, especially when it comes to his intelligence. Due to his young age, he finds himself underestimated a lot of the time, and not listened to. It was no surprise to him and his parents though when he got accepted into the Yale School of Medicine, receiving the Norma Bailey Berniker Prize, and his extensive training in Aerospace Medicine as a Captain in the United States Air Force Reserves. He joined NASA in 2029, increasing his training with a Masters Degree in Biomedical Science and was the second person chosen for the Ares III mission. Kind, caring, and generally just a sweetheart, Patton hopes to lighten all spirits on the mission and hopes to bond closely with everyone on board. Dr. McManus hopes that one day his 4-year-old son [from a past relationship] will follow his views on the world and grow up to help people just as his father does.

Appearance: Patton McManus is a soft healthy, 6' teddy bear. Dr. McManus is ginger, his hair always messy with untamed short curls. Freckles spot his face around his nose and under his eyes. He's a bit pudgy around the middle, having close to a dad bod [even though he has no kids]. He cannot grow any facial hair and wears round glasses with thick light blue frames, matching the color of his eyes. Patton tends to wear light-colored polo's and khaki's if he can but jeans work out just fine too. He is also almost always seen with a grey jacket tied around his waist or his neck resting on his shoulders.

June 4th, 1995, 40, Roman Cone- Roman was the third person to join the Ares III Crew, immediately getting along with Commander Sanders and Dr. McManus. Before joining the crew, Roman spent eleven years in the United States Air Force. Originally trained as a fighter pilot, Major Cone worked his way up to the USAF Test Pilot School. Continuing to keep up high marks and great performance he quickly gained respect from his peers and commanders. From a young age, he knew he was destined for NASA so he gained a bachelor of science in astronautical engineering at USAF Academy. At NASA he also became an MDV/MAV Specialist. Witty and outgoing, Roman enjoys taking up all the attention in the room, often doing dramatics to do so.

Appearance: Roman Cone is a sight to see, standing at 5' 9". He is more on the muscular side, though nothing near Dain's level of muscle mass. Major Cone is dirty blond, sporting a magnificent pompadour, never seen without it perfectly done, he has long sideburns that transition from blond to brown the more he grows them out. Roman tries not to let them grow into mutton chops but sometimes finds them there anyway. Surprisingly Roman enjoys sweatpants and baggy shirts more than anything fancy or dramatic. Roman's eyes are light green.

November 3rd, 1998, 36, Logan Locke- Logan graduated at the young age of 16, winning in NASA's largest hackathon a year later. Afterward, Logan moved onto MIT for dual undergraduate degrees in math and computer science. While starting graduate school, Mr. Locke started a private software company in the hopes of becoming a software engineer and CEO. Though his plans changed suddenly when he came into contact with a SpaceX executive who was impressed by his work. His decision to join NASA was later founded when she helped develop software that would later become an integral part of the Hermes operating system. With that knowledge of the Hermes, he wiggled his way into the Ares III crew, being the fourth one to join as the System operator and Reactor Technician. Logan found himself seemingly alone among the crew due to his introverted lifestyle along with his inability to "take a joke" [said by Roman after joke about MIT]. His emotionally repressive behavior got especially worse when Remus joined a few days after, mocking Logan for his OCD. These habits and behaviors seemed to only start getting better after meeting Ares III Botanist Virgil AsheFord, who shared some of these traits. Locke never includes his thoughts though when anyone bring up parents or family back home, no one knows why.

Appearance: Logan Locke is a lanky 5' 8" nerd. Wearing rectangle-shaped glasses with white half frames. Logan has thin cheekbones with a thick chin strap beard connected with a black goatee. His hair is slicked back but not as tightly nor as long as Dain's and without curls in the back. Logan's eyes are dark blue shade, often matching his professional outfits. Mr. Locke often wears button-down shirts or polos with a blue or black tie running below his belly button. he usually tucks his shirts into his pants, which are almost always jeans held up with an always new looking leather belt. he also wears what Roman calls "old man shoes" though he is quite proud of their permanent shininess. Logan actively chooses to not work out, instead, he just makes sure to eat as healthily as he can.

June 5th, 1995, 40, Remus Cone- Remus was the fifth person to be chosen for Ares III. Remus was invited to join the crew through NASA and the European Space Agency after being located in Germany for several years. Holding two master's degrees in chemistry and astrophysics. Remus has also earned a doctorate in chemistry from spending six months on Antarctica. Remus has published dozens of papers in international journals to pass time. Dr. Cone felt the need to assert himself with the family name after his brother Roman upstaged him constantly in college. Remus is fluent in French and German, often using those languages to swear when visiting his brother in the USA. Remus has a knack for being a trouble-maker around almost everyone he meets, making messes mostly on accident due to his childish clumsy nature. Dr. Cone is only found being serious when there's work to be done, the dedication to his job is one of the only things bonding him with the rest of the Ares III crew.

Appearance: Remus us a 5' 10" pure blond man. he is often found wearing unmatched clothing that some would call ugly af [but he likes it that way]. Sporting a low hanging man bun, his hair just might be the most yellow thing at NASA HQ and on the Hermes, but it's completely natural! To go along with his man bun, Remus has a majestically neat handlebar mustache. Remus resembles his older twin brother Roman a lot with his light blue eyes and wide chin. Baring a bigger nose than Roman though. He also cannot grow any other facial hair. Remus isn't as muscled as Roman, being a bit round in the middle but tries his hardest to remain interested in working out. Nowadays his interest is kept by working out with his gym buddy, Dain.

December 19th, 1999, 34, Virgil Asheford- Virgil had spent eleven months already working at NASA when he was chosen for Ares III. Originally attending the University of Chicago, Doctor AsheFord moved to Northwestern University to earn his Ph.D. in Plant Biology and Conservation with an emphasis on hydropedalogy and environmental engineering. When joining NASA, his work focused on hydrologic flow paths and sustainable water resources management within Earth's Critical Zone. Virgil spent the next two years in the peace Corps engineering sustainable agriculture and water irrigation systems for developing nations. Afterward, Virgil applied to the NASA Astronaut Candidate Program and was ultimately selected. Throughout his life Virgil has had a constant battle with his depression and anxiety, growing more introverted over time. His interest in Botany helped him through the battle he has fought so hard to win. Despite over complicating many different thoughts, solutions, and ideas, Virgil often finds the outcome satisfying and without flaw. Emotional repression from before and after his little sister's death made him hesitant to accept his part in Ares III until he met Computer Specialist Logan Locke, who also dealt with emotional repression. The two instantly bonded due to being different from the rest of the team as well as their inexplicable ability to fall into intensely deep existential crises.

Appearance: Virgil is a 5' 6" pale, thin man. He is healthily thin despite eating a lot [his fast metabolism runs in the family]. Virgil's hair was dyed crow-black before being selected for Ares III but is naturally brown in a Faux hawk style. Virgil usually has short stubble lining the bottom half of his face, never letting it grow longer than 1-2.5 millimeters long. Virgil regularly applies eye shadow around his eyes, earning him the nickname Plant Raccoon from Remus. AsheFord can always be seen wearing dark if-not-black clothing, unless in his NASA jumpsuit or his Ares III Mars EVA suit [he hates that it's mainly white and orange]. Virgil also wears many different types of boots, specifically requesting some from NASA for the Ares III trip to Mars. he takes extra time to make sure they are neat, clean, and shiny each morning, something he now does with Logan.

[Deceit] February 3rd, 1996, 39, D. [Dain] Dechard- The last member to join the Ares III crew, yet welcomed with open arms. Dechard often says little white lies to the crew and others around him to rile them up when he's bored and wants some action. He has a severe disliking towards his first name, so he tells people to call him Dain. The crew is always theorizing what his real name is. Dain was first brought into NASA by his father, a Rocket Engineer, and was immediately interesting in becoming an EVA Specialist so he could travel into space for Ares III. Before specializing in EVA, Dain had been a NASA Mathematician with an associate's degree, bachelor's degree, master's degree, and Ph.D. in Mathematics. From the age of 18 to 34, Dain was in College constantly to earn these degrees and never gained any friends because of it. Dain promised before leaving for the Ares III, that he’d keep in contact with his 9-year-old niece.

Appearance: Dain is a 6' 4" lean [ripped] gym rat. He's got slicked back ink-black hair with lines of grey coming in at his temples due to years of work and school. The back of his head is riddled with curls coming from the ends of strands. Sporting a lighter coal-black Van Dyke goatee [and quite proud of it too] he also has scars riddled across the side of his face from chin to forehead. More scars can be found throughout his body in an inconsistent pattern but suspiciously only on the right side of him. Dain's eyes are dark green and he tends to wear joggers and shorts along with skin-tight shirts. While his gym buddy has an ugly sense of fashion, Dain has no fashion sense whatsoever.

----------

Not-the-boys cast:

The administrator of NASA: Teddy [Theodore] Sanders [No relation to Commander Thomas Sanders]

Director of NASA Media Relations: Annie Montrose

Director of NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory: Bruce Ng

Head of Mars Operations: Venkat Kapoor

Flight Director for Ares III: Mitch Henderson

NASA Analyst/Satellite Coverage: Mindy Park

Physicist: Rich Purnell

--------

TAG LIST

@ladylokilove

@girl-of-1000-fandoms

@thatswhat24

@ifrickenhatedeverythingaboutthis

@ahoskarose-76

@marshmallowmischief

@notyourbeesknees

@awkward-child-of-satan

@sanderssidesbuddybois

Feel free to request to be on the tag list and send asks about something you’re curious about within the story! Your asks will strive to be the main drive for the story!

[music-obsess]

No Matter What.

Johnny Seo Sister AU

1.3k words.

Disclaimer I wrote this in 2018 so it’s based on ot18. I have a a few WayVNCT stories written since then but this was just a copy and paste from my Wattpad.

Credit to owner of the GIF.

I was young when he left. I hadn't seen him since his debut. But now, now I get to visit him. Well visit Seoul and maybe run into him. I begged my parents not to tell him of my plans. Last he saw me I was about 12 and still learning English, then he moved here to prepare for debut. Now I'm 17. I managed to graduate a year early since I took so many extra classes my sophomore and junior year. So as a gift I was sent to explore our home country, well their home country... you see I'm adopted I was adopted when I was 8, my birth parents died in a car accident and since they were both an only child I had no one to go with. I was born in Latin America but moved to the United States when I was seven. Ever since I've lived in Chicago.

As I get of the plane I put my mouth mask on and go to pick up my bag. Once I take my suitcase I look for the girl that's supposed to pick me up. She the daughter of one of my moms friends, works at SM and has promised my mom to take care of me while I'm here.

"Hi are you Ocean?" I hear a voice say from behind me.

"Yes, are you Sofia?" I asked the lady standing in front of me.

"Yes. That would be me." She says. "Do you need help with your bag?"

"No, no it's okay." I say. We star walking to the exit. We reach the apartment and settle down for the night.

The next morning I wake up rather early do to jet lag and make some breakfast for me and Sofia.

"You didn't have to do this." She says walking into the kitchen.

"I wanted. Think of it as a thank you for letting me stay here." I say.

We eat breakfast and I help her clean the dishes. By the time we clean up the apartment it's around 10am.

"So what do you want to do today?" She asked

"Anything really. It's my first time in Korea so I don't really know were to go. What do you have plan for today?" I say.

"I have a photo shoot with the group I work with. I'm bringing them some food. You can come with and tomorrow I can ask one of the other staff members to drive you around." She asked.

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Well then. Let's change and we can head out." I go to my bag and take out a pair of black jeans, a black crop top that was just above my belly button, a white and blue oversized flannel, my blue converse, my black mouth mask and a bunny beanie that my brother had sent me for my birthday.

We walk out of the apartment and head to pick up the food, we go buy the drinks. I get an iced americano with cream and I soon realize who she works for. That many drinks only means one thing.

After twenty minutes we reach a wear house. As we walk inside I hear loud laughter, screams, and something that sounds like a dolphin?... and three managers trying to keep them from hurting themselves. I see a familiar face running up to us, Mark, I was sent a lot of pictures of the two of them before they debuted. My eyes wides but then realize he probably doesn't know who I am, or won't recognize me if he does.

"Did you bring us food?" Mark asked in Korean.

"Yes" Sofia said. "Go get the guys that aren't doing a live or taking photos."

“You didn’t say it was NCT” I say walking with her.

“I thought your mom told you. Sorry. I was supposed to have the week off but they had a last minute uniform comercial photo shoot and they called me in.”

We go and settle by a table that's close by and I help her set the food down.

"Does he know you're here?" She asked me.

"No, I didn't tell him and besides I haven't talked to him in months and he hasn't seen a picture of me since he left. Well I don't think he has." I say as I sit next to her.

"You should tell him. I mean he is going to see you. No matter how long you keep that mask and beanie on. He has to recognize you."

"I don't know. My hair used to be to my mid waist, now it's just above my ear and a different color and my glasses are in my bag."

"Sofia did you get my coffee?" I hear a familiar voice say. I smile under my mask and Sofia looks at me.

"Yes, it's over here." She says pointing to the iced americano next to me. My eyes widen and she smirks gets up and says "I'm going to take Jeno and Renjun their tea. I'll be back."

"Hey I hadn't seen you around before, are you new?" He asked

"No, I'm visiting the city before going to college." I say rather slow since my Korean isn't the best.

"So can I assume you speak English better." He says smiling.

"Yeah." I say.

"I'm Johnny by the way" he says

"I know. NCT is kinda well known in my town." I say letting a small laugh.

"Were are you from?" He asked. He really didn't recognize me. It hurt but I couldn't blame him. We hadn't spend much time together.

"I'm from around." I say. "I rather not say."

"Very well, can I get your name at least?" He asked

"Ocean" I say getting up to find Sofia. I can feel his eyes on me as I leave.

"How did it go?" Sofia asked.

"Like I said he doesn't recognize me." I say. I take my beanie off and let my dark blue and purple hair show. "Hey can I get your keys to get my glasses out of my bag. I'm starting to get a headache."

"Yeah here" She says giving me her keys. I walk out of the wear house and up to the car.

"You know light brown looks better on you" I hear a voice say. I turn around and look at Johnny coming closer. I smile under my mask and put my glasses on. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" He asked pulling my mask down.

"I didn't think you would have time to take care of me." I say looking up at him.

"I would have made time. Why didn't mom and dad tell me? I talked to them yesterday. They said you had gone to New York."

"I asked them not to tell you." I say " I knew if you knew I was here you would put off practice to be with me and I didn't want you to." I say. He pulls me into a hug and kisses the top of my head.

"You're my little sister! Off course I'm going to put off practice to be with you no matter what." He says. He walks back inside with me clinging to his side.

"You Know Who got even cuter after debut?"

"Hmm"

"Mark..." I say smiling at him. He makes a face of disgust but then smiles.

"Actually once you left to go talk to Sofia he came and asked if it was you. He used to have the biggest crush on you when I first showed him a picture of you when I came." I laugh at his comment and shake my head.

"You would kill him if he came close to me." I say.

"Yeah but at least I know he would be good to you." He says entering the building.

I see Sofia smile at us and I got sit down with Johnny, Ten, Lucas, and Mark.

I see Mark smile at me and wave hi. Lucas notices and asked "who is she?"

"She's my sister" Johnny said giving Mark a death glare as he notices the boy looking at me with a smile on his face that's soon cover in a blush. I look at Johnny who has a look of accomplishment on his face, I laugh at him and hug him. After five years I finally get to be with my brother for more than just a few days.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

I hope you guys liked this. I once posted it on my Wattpad but I’m more on here than on there. I would gladly post more if you guys like it.

[thestupidhelmet]

I know this is probs a weird request but do you know of any fanfics where Kelso is not a villain and matures? It can be AU or future fic. And If he is friends with Hyde and Jackie at the same time again or married to Brooke, it would be a nice touch but not necessary. Thank you! I love your blog

Hi! I’m writing a new story with those element, but that won’t be out for quite a while. That being said …

In my story Reflections through the Glass and its sequel, Beneath a Shattered Sky, Kelso matures into a hero, and his friendships with all the characters are explored. His relationship with Brooke plays an important role, too.

Reflections Through the Glass [FFnet / AO3]

Summary: Six months after Chicago, Hyde no longer believes in love — or in Jackie. Donna’s not speaking to Eric. Kelso’s confused about his whole life, and Fez has gone missing. The only way back may be to leave it all behind.

Rated: M

Beneath a Shattered Sky [FFnet / AO3]

Summary: Jackie grows strange with Hyde’s ring finally on her finger, and Hyde must discover why before it destroys them both. A Forman family secret may hold the key, but the revelation thrusts Eric and Donna into peril. The threat to them all stretches far beyond Point Place, conspiring to put an end to true love … everywhere.

Rated: M

I did a T7S fic search for you, and here’s what I found:

1. Baby Talk  by nannygirl 

Summary: After getting some advice about babies, Michael Kelso goes to visit Brooke at the library to share his knowledge. Will things go as planned?

Rated: K

2. Some Fatherly Advice  by nannygirl 

Summary: After Brooke tells Kelso that it would be easier if she raised their child on her own in “I’m Free,” Kelso becomes depressed. But Kitty believes she knows what can help: a talk with Red.

Rated: K+

3. The Reunion  by vampirelover110 

Summary: The group is coming back together after eight years for a wedding. People have changed, and people have growth. Now that Jackie knows what she wants, will she find the guy she’s been looking for all along? Jackie/Hyde. Eric/Donna. Michael/Brooke.

Rated: K+

4. Your Song  by jackieleanne 

Summary: What would have happened if Kelso never showed up at the end of season 7 when Hyde was going to propose to Jackie. Improved rewrite of Meant-to-Be Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Donna/Eric, Fez/Laurie, Kelso/Brooke.

Rated: M

5. That 70s Show  by Zenmaster21 

Summary: What if Jackie had dated Hyde from the beginning instead of Kelso? This is simply a re-write of the episodes had Jackie and Hyde always been together. Hyde/Jackie, Eric/Donna, Kelso/Brooke, Laurie/Randy.

Rated: M

6. Moving On From The 70’s  by Shereditthe

Summary: Jackie is miserable at her job at the salon. Hyde needs to move out. Eric is back from Africa and needs to find money for college. Donna isn’t sure what to do now that Eric is back. Kelso wants to move back to Point Place and just needs to convince Brooke. Fez is having feelings that he’s not sure what to do with.

Rated: M

Note: Of the above, I’ve read only nannygirl’s and enjoyed them.

[riftmeanewverse]

back in ‘66 from discord w/ @losingmagnetism

When Hopper had come back from war, Joyce was off in Chicago living her life. A girl from high school, Diane, had written to him while he was overseas, keeping him up to date with how things were going in Hawkins, helping him get through the tough times. He liked her, and he'd seen her a little since going to college, but he still hated the distance between him and Joyce. He'd almost written to her a few times, but he could never figure out the words and crumpled it up every time.

Now that he had graduated college, however, he was going back to Hawkins to join the police force. He had some decisions to make about where he wanted to go with his life. And whether or not Joyce wanted to be with him romantically or not, he couldn't stand the silence between them. So he looked her up and just went to show up at her door one day, nervous as hell.

Six years had passed. There was not a day that went by that Joyce hadn't thought about Hopper, having wrote to him but either burned the letters or hid them away. She couldn't. She forced herself to move on, because as much as she loved him, she met up with Lonnie, and things clicked. Sort of... But Chicago was her new life, she was discovering herself, having fun, trying to crack out of her shell. Joyce Horowitz was her own self, growing and exploring the part of her that was new.

It had been far fetched, moving into a small townhouse with Lonnie, but they were getting serious, very serious. Moving on wasn't easy, but she had graduated college, had a job and was as happy as she allowed herself to be. In the kitchen, she stopped what she had been doing, and walked to the door, not expecting anyone. It was just her home alone, and it was nice to be in a quiet area, alone.

Running a hand through her now dyed, short hair, Joyce let out a small breath before putting on a brief smile to greet the other once she opened the door. "Hel---- Hopper?"

"Joyce! Uh..."

He'd had a whole speech written out in his head on the way over, but as soon as he saw her it just disappeared like cotton candy in water. He attempted to grasp at the bits of it that he could remember.

"I know I should have called or something, but I was afraid you wouldn't pick up, so uh... Well, I'm back."

"I can see that. It's really you, back in the flesh and everything..." Her voice almost sounded... disappointed, because she hadn't been expecting him. Of course she was afraid, practically afraid of everything, and Hopper.

"It's good to see you. How are you doing?"

His dumb, stunned smile slipped. She didn't sound like it was good to see him. In fact, her tone had him rethinking his whole plan, but there was no going back now without looking like an idiot.

"Good! Good," he answered, struggling to keep up his cheery facade. "You cut your hair." Wow, great way to be obvious. He couldn't help staring, though.

"Um, can I come in? Or do you want to go somewhere? I thought we could... catch up."

Joyce blinked, before her cheeks turned red a little bit. "I did. I needed a change," she said as she ran a hand through her short hair for a moment, probably messing it up. But, it was short and it something she couldn't grow back for awhile.

"Oh. Sure, let's go out. Just give me a second," she said, with a half scatter brained response as she turned to grab her keys from the counter and a rather large winter jacket to toss on.  At least she remembered that. Shutting the door behind her, she locked it and then moved off the porch, looking back at him.

"Coffee?"

Change. The word stuck in his head, hovering between hope and a nail in the coffin. Could he be part of that change, or was he some of what she was letting go with it?

"Yeah, coffee sounds good," he agreed, leading her down to his car and getting in. "Sorry this is such short notice. I tried writing to you. The letters just never came out right."

"It's fine, Hopper," Joyce responded quietly before getting into his car, and put the belt on securely. She looked at him, trying to be sweet still. It was difficult when it was the worst of times.

"I did the same, if I'm honest. Got a stack of just.... random words of paper.  I'm more of an actions person than a wordy girl... you know that."

"Really?" The word sounded far more hopeful and surprised than he intended it to come out, and he regretted it immediately. He needed to temper himself; he knew she still probably hadn't forgiven him for leaving, for not trying a little harder to compromise.

Fortunately, it wasn't far to the little coffee shop they used to go to. "I just didn't want you to think I'd died or something. You were always so worried about that..." He'd had some close calls, but he'd come home in one piece. Others hadn't been so lucky.

Joyce was silent as she looked out the window. He was right. She was worried about it, and had been for the past six years, by hearing nothing. Even when Hopper's mother checked in with Joyce occasionally, they either were hiding the truth, or they really didn't know either. "I appreciate you showing up, it eases that worry now that I know you're around."

Joyce tries to word her words gently and carefully, she doesn't want to lead him on. She doesn't want to do anything that she'll regret. They're still friends...

She seemed different from how she'd been when he left, or maybe he was only remembering the good times. But no, that couldn't be right. The Joyce he'd known was vibrant, fun, never afraid to speak her mind. The one sitting next to him was subdued, quiet. It made him wonder...

"Are you okay? I guess this is kind of a shock, me just turning up out of the blue like this..."

Looking at Hopper, she puts on a small smile. "Yes. I'm fine. " She nodded in return to his words. Sure, she wasn't because it was eating her up inside, and well--- it was unexpected considering she was forcing herself to move on like this, with the heavy past they had together, it hurt. And she assumed now that he brought it up, it was evident.

"It's good catching up with an old friend. I'm not the first person you've visited right? Your parents know?" She wasn't the same Joyce, as much as she tried to be.

He nodded. "No, yeah, they know. I thought they would have told you but Mom has... a lot on her plate." His parents had never been good at bringing up difficult subjects. He always hoped he wouldn't end up like that, but here he was, kind of avoiding talking about what she was going through. That wasn't what this visit was about, though.

Parking outside the coffee shop, he got out and held the front door open for her. 

“I’m sorry,” she replied before she got out of his car, and into the shop. It’d been far to long since they’d been back here, and yet nothing changed, which was nice.

Joyce ordered herself just a dark coffee, and whatever Hop wanted, treating themselves before going to sit down. As she sat down, she was nervous, nervous enough to have her leg bounce.

“...I don’t know what to say.” She admits with a small and awkward chuckle.

He shrugged, not prepared to talk about that just yet. Inside, he took his coffee black as always, sitting down with both hands wrapped around the cup.

"Do you want me to talk? Or you could tell me what you've been up to. What was it like in Chicago?"

to be continued :P

[artificialqueens]

So Emotional (Sashea) Chapter 7 -MissChimKi

Summary- Sasha would definitely miss having a best friend in close proximity, and she and Shea really had become close over the semester. She’d really become a daily fixture in Sasha’s life and she would miss having Shea around all the time, but she had other things to focus on.

In which Sasha and Shea are roommates for their freshman year of college and Sasha is a useless lesbian who doesn’t want Shea to know that and Shea is just trying to live her best Chicago life while being in NYC.

A/N- Well y'all it’s been a hot minute, but I promise I haven’t given up on this story. Also this chapter marks the halfway mark so woohoo! Hope you enjoy!

Exams week was in full swing, which meant that Sasha was in completely over her head. She was trying to keep calm and power through. Luckily she would only have to take two exams and turn in two final projects that she was already mostly done with. She had already given her speech for her public speaking class so that was a weight lifted off her shoulders.

She surprisingly wasn’t too worried for the exams themselves. She’d been doing well in both of the classes so she figured neither would be too difficult but studying was still necessary. On top of the studying she had to finish her portfolio and sculpture.

She was pretty crunched for time and couldn’t wait for the week to be over. Since thanksgiving and officially getting together with Aja, she had spent a majority of her nights at Aja’s house. She did feel a little bad for neglecting Shea and the other girls, but they were all getting together Thursday before Trixie and Kim left. Sasha would be done with exams by then and her work would have already been turned in, so she would definitely be celebrating by then.

While she could technically leave after her exam Thursday, Shea’s last exam wasn’t until Friday afternoon and her flight was the next day, so they had made plans to hang out and celebrate before Shea was back in Chicago for a month.

Sasha would definitely miss having a best friend in close proximity,and she and Shea really had become close over the semester. She’d really become a daily fixture in Sasha’s life and she would miss having Shea around all the time, but she had other things to focus on. Like Aja and introducing her dad to her, as well as meeting Aja’s parents. In some ways they were moving a little quickly but at the same time it still felt natural. Even though she had been spending most of her time with Aja, Sasha had informed her that this week was all about studying and spending time with her friends that she wouldn’t be able to see for a while.

It was Monday night and she had her first exam early in the morning. She and Shea had been studying together in their room before Shea had decided to take a break and go to the gym to get some stress out. Sasha had declined the invitation since she needed every bit of time to study. Luckily for her Shea had offered to bring her back some food, so she didn’t have to take a break from studying and wouldn’t neglect eating.

Once again, she thought about how much she’d lucked out with getting Shea as a roommate. While sharing a room with someone was never ideal, she couldn’t have asked for a better arrangement, and she would really miss spending time with her over break.

Speak of the devil, Shea returned to the room with food in her hand. “Aren’t you supposed to be studying,” Shea called her out before handing her the food.

“I know I got lost in thought. Without you here to throw something at me when I zone out it’s bound to happen,” Sasha told her.

Shea smiled, “Don’t worry I’ll get right back to throwing stuff at you.”

“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” she grinned back before getting up to stretch a bit, “I do kinda want a break though, I don’t think I’m getting anything done. Wanna watch an episode of Brooklyn 99 while I eat?”

“I’ll never say no to procrastination,” Shea agreed easily, setting it up on the screen for them while Sasha dug into her food.

“Thanks so much for picking this up for me by the way, you’re the best,” Sasha thanked her after taking a bite.

“I try,” Shea smirked and set the episode up to play. She loved watching things with Shea because Shea’s commentary made everything better. Not that it was bad in the first place, but it definitely added to it.

They ended up watching two episodes before getting back to their necessary work and eventually going to bed. Sasha’s exam was super early, so she needed all the sleep she could get. She just hoped she’d studied enough to get through it.

*

Her exam went fine which she knew it would, but it didn’t hurt to be worried and prep accordingly. She had the rest of her day free, or at least free to get some of her projects done. Currently she was on her way to meet with Shea. Their usual library was way too crowded for her liking and Shea told her that the design library was much more chill because most of them had to be finished with projects the week before.

Shea was waiting at a table close to the entrance when she walked in, so she quickly waved her down. They were in the main hall of the library so they didn’t have to worry about being too quiet.

“Hey girl. I grabbed you a coffee,” Shea greeted pushing the cup towards Sasha who received it gratefully, “How did your exam go?”

Sasha smiled, taking a sip of the warm drink, “I think it went well and I don’t think my other will be too bad either, so really I just need to finish these projects.”

Shea nodded in understanding, “Yeah, all mine are due Wednesday then I still have exams Thursday and Friday which I have no idea how I’m going to be ready for,” she huffed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you however I can and you still have your little study group with Naomi and Milk right?” Sasha asked trying her best not to sound sour as she mentioned Milk. She didn’t quite understand Shea’s new relationship with him. She seemed so opposed to it even just a month ago, and while it wasn’t really her business, she was still surprised when Shea told her about it.

“Yeah I’m meeting them tonight to hopefully get a lot of work done,” Shea said.

“See, you totally got this. We’re all going to make sure you nail these finals,” Sasha promised, “And the first step to that is studying for all we’re worth,” she gestured to the work that was laid out in front of Shea and began pulling out her own.

Shea nodded in agreement, flipping through the book in front of her, “Very true, let’s get to it then.”

They were fairly engrossed with their individual work for about an hour, occasionally asking each other questions but for the most part focused on what they needed to do. Sasha was snapped out of her reading by Shea furiously snapping in her face. She glanced up with a confused look on her face.

Shea was pointing to the direction of the entryway where Trixie had just walked in with a blonde they’d never seen before. “Oh my god,” Sasha gasped.

The blonde seemed to be telling some kind of story and Trixie looked like she was hanging onto every word, letting out a roar of laughter when it was finished, causing the other girl to wheeze in laughter as well. “Do you think that’s her?” Shea asked.

Sasha nodded, “I mean it has to be right?”

“Only one way to find out,” Shea shrugged before calling out, “Trixie!”

Trixie turned when she heard her name being called and immediately paled when she saw Shea and Sasha. Sasha could see how she was trying to work out how she could run away. It was too late though as Shea was waving them over and the blonde was pulling Trixie towards them.

“Hey Trix,” Shea greeted, “Sasha and I were just studying for our finals and wanted to say hi. Who’s your friend?”

Trixie appeared to be trying to kill Shea with her eyes, but the bubbly blonde beside her didn’t seem to notice.

“Привет, I’m Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, but you can call me Katya,” she smiled widely, extending a hand which Shea shook cautiously, before she turned to shake Sasha’s hand as well.

Shea seemed like she had no idea how to react to Katya but Sasha was intrigued by her strangeness. Also the Russian greeting peeked her curiosity so she returned the sentiment.

“Nice to meet you, we’ve heard so much about you. I’m Sasha,” she greeted back in Russian. Katya seemed surprised but it morphed into excitement fairly quickly. Shea and Trixie were both staring at her looking confused.

“Oh my god you speak Russian. That’s wonderful. I did my masters there but I haven’t been able to keep up with the language as much as I would like,” Katya was beaming with excitement. Sasha just wanted to get a closer look at her seemingly perfect teeth.

“Yeah I get that. I lived there for 11 years but I don’t really get a chance to speak it anymore either,” Sasha explained.

“Hold up, how did I not know you lived in Russia?” Shea interrupted.

Sasha shrugged, “I guess it just never came up.”

“I loved it when I was there. I wouldn’t mid going back,” Katya continued where they had left off.

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind visiting either. I always assumed my dad and I would move back but I’m pretty glad we didn’t. It’s not a safe environment for queer people and I don’t want to live in fear,” Sasha explained honestly.

Katya nodded, looking slightly taken aback, “No completely. That’s a big downside. Two years was a long time to have to shut that side of me down, but I tried to focus on my studies and the unique experience of the country itself.”

“It’s a beautiful country,” she agreed.

Katya turned to Trixie, “How come you never introduced me to your cool Russian friend?”

Trixie looked like she didn’t have a good answer, “I mean I didn’t know how Russian she actually was so I didn’t think about it,” she tried to explain.

Katya tssked, “Sure.”

“It’s really great to finally meet you. We’ve been hassling Trixie about it for so long,” Shea interjected, ignoring the glare from Trixie.

“Likewise,” Katya’s smile returned, “I was beginning to wonder if you guys even existed.”

Trixie huffed, “Hey, I obviously wasn’t lying about my friends.”

Katya put a gentle hand on her shoulder which seemed to calm her down a little bit, “Of course not. You were just worried I was going to scare them away.”

Shea laughed, “Probably the opposite actually.”

“You guys seem great for the record. From the stories I’ve heard and from meeting you now,” Katya informed them.

“You too,” Sasha agreed, “It’s been a long time coming.”

Trixie’s eyes were threatening to roll out of her skull, but she honestly should’ve seen this coming. She couldn’t keep them all separate from Katya forever.

“So Katya,” Shea started. Sasha could see the mischievous glint in her eye, and Sasha wondered where she was going with it. “We’re having a little get together Thursday so we can all hang out before break and we’re gonna pick names for secret santa. You should totally come, it would be great for you to meet everyone.”

“Katya has a lot of work to do. It’s finals week and all,” Trixie tried to steer Katya into saying no.

Katya held a hand out for Trixie to stop, “I can make time. I’d love to come and meet all of Trixie’s friends. Thanks for inviting me. I’ll pry the information from Trix somehow.”

Trixie rolled her eyes, “Whatever. Now come on you have a test to watch over and I have one to take,” she shoved at Katya while Katya waved goodbye to Sasha and Shea.

Once they were out of sight Sasha turned to Shea and burst out laughing, “I can’t believe you actually invited her for Thursday. Trixie is actually going to murder you. I’ll tell her to do it in the dorm, maybe I can get free room and board.

Shea balled up a paper and threw it at her, “I saw my opportunity and I took it. God knows she would’ve never introduced us to Katya so I had to take it upon myself.”

“I’m impressed. Also, I love that she knows everyone’s schedule well enough to not be where we would be. Like we never come here so she thought it was safe,” Sasha pointed out.

“It’s crazy honestly. I don’t get it, but at least we might actually be able to get to know Katya more. See what’s got Trix all worked up,” Shea decided.

Sasha nodded, “Very true. And now we’re apparently doing a secret santa.”

“I had to think on my feet. Don’t come for me,” Shea defended.

“Whatever you say girl,” Sasha laughed and got back into studying.

Eventually Shea left to meet with her design friends and Sasha headed to the art studio to get some work done on her final projects. She knew she was in for a long night and a long day the next day, but if she could get everything done she’d basically be home free, and that was music to her ears.

*

Wednesday had been both stressful and productive for Sasha. She’d went to the studio early in the morning and by evening she had finished her last sketch for her drawing class, and put the finishing touches on her final sculpture. She was feeling pretty good and while she still had her last exam the next morning, she decided she would treat herself a little and go have a late dinner with Aja.

Aja had offered to cook, which she had accepted gratefully even though she knew it was just a ploy to spend time with her. Not that that was a bad thing, but Sasha didn’t need too many distractions this week. A nice dinner with her girlfriend couldn’t hurt though.

When she got to Aja’s house her roommates were nowhere to be seen, which was out of the ordinary. With five girls living in the same house there was usually at least one around. “I banished the other girls while we eat. They can have the leftovers,” Aja explained.

Sasha smiled and took a seat at the counter while Aja fixed them plates, “I’m surprised they listened.”

“Only because it’s finals week and they actually have work to do,” Aja informed her, setting the plates down and taking a seat beside her.

“That makes sense then. How did your econ exam go?” Sasha asked. Aja was only in three classes and econ was the most intense of those.

“It was awful, but I think I did okay. Good enough to pass at least. Not that it really matters to me, but it matters to my parents so I’ll do what I gotta do,” Aja told her with a shrug.

Sasha nodded, “I guess,” she agreed before changing the subject, “So you’ll never guess who Shea and I ran into at the design library today.”

“Who?” Aja urged her to continue.

“Katya,” she told her excitedly.

“You mean Trixie’s Katya, the one she was trying to keep hidden from you guys?”

“The very same. Shea and I were studying there and we ran into them. She seems nice and also a little strange, but I think we’re actually going to get a chance to know her now which is cool,” Sasha explained.

Aja didn’t seem too convinced, “So you think Trixie’s gonna actually bring her around from now on?”

“Oh, I don’t think we’re letting her make that decision,” Sasha shook her head, “Shea invited her to our little celebration thing tomorrow and also made up a secret santa thing, so I guess we gotta draw names for that now.”

“Man I love secret santa’s. I’m mad I can’t go now,” Aja pouted.

“I know. It really sucks that you have to work,” Sasha agreed, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“I really want to get to know your friends more,” Aja complained, “You all seem to have so much fun together.”

Sasha rubbed her shoulder, “I promise once break’s over you’ll become a regular fixture at our girl’s nights. It’s just bad timing right now is all,” she assured Aja.

“I know, I’m just being dramatic. Slip my name into the exchange though and pick one out for me?” Aja suggested.

“Of course!” Sasha agreed, “It’ll be a good way for at least one of them to get to know you.”

“And for me to get to know someone,” Aja grinned, “Make sure I don’t get you.”

Sasha smiled back, “I’ll do my best.” She grabbed their finished plates and brought them to the sink ignoring Aja’s protests.

“I’ll wash them later I want to spend time with you,” Aja tugged her hand.

“We’ll have all break you know. No school to get in the way. We’ll have lots of time to spend together,” Sasha squeezed her hand as they sat down on the couch.

“I know. And we’ll have to do the whole meet the family thing which should be interesting,” Aja sounded slightly worried.

“It’ll be great, I’m sure of it,” Sasha promised.

“Whatever you say,” Aja agreed.

They chatted for a while before Sasha decided she really needed to head back to her dorm to study a little bit and get some rest.

“Can’t you just spend the night?” Aja asked, as she walked Sasha to the door.

Sasha sighed, “I wish I could but I really need to study for my last exam tomorrow.”

“I know, but I’m still not too thrilled about it,” Aja gave her a hug and a quick peck on the lips, “Good luck on your exam, you’re gonna do great.”

Sasha smiled, “Thanks, I’m ready for it to be over mostly,” she chuckled waving again to Aja before walking back to her dorm.

She managed to go through the study guide once and felt fairly confident about the material so she allowed herself to go to bed.

*

Her Human Rights exam went without a hitch the next morning thankfully. She couldn’t believe that she was done with her first semester. Now she could relax and spend time with her friends before they went home for the break.

Shea had asked her to look over her final essay for English before she submitted it so Sasha headed to the café to grab a sandwich before heading to the library to edit it.

It didn’t take her too long to read through Shea’s essay, only having to fix a few grammatical errors before sending it back to Shea so she could turn it in. Shea texted her a thank you and Sasha realized that she had nothing to do until later that night.

She sighed and made her way back to her dorm. She figured she could take a nap and get some packing done. Shea had an afternoon exam so she wouldn’t be back until later. Sasha flopped down on her bed and scrolled through various feeds before dozing off.

Evening came eventually which meant Shea and Sasha had to make their way over to Kim and Trixie’s for their little get together. Sasha was excited but also partially sad because she wouldn’t see any of them for like a month. She was mainly looking forward to it though, especially finding more out about Katya.

They got to the dorm and were greeted by loud cheers from the others who were already there. Pearl was the only one who hadn’t arrived yet, which wasn’t that much of a surprise.

Kim was chatting with Shea’s friend, Naomi, who Kim had apparently gotten close with after they were introduced. It was clear to basically everyone that Naomi had a crush on Kim, well everyone except Kim maybe.

Trixie was with Katya, shooting glares at Shea from across the room. Shea ignored it, and just blew her a kiss, causing Sasha to laugh. Max was over with them, looking a little lost without Pearl there yet. Sasha wasn’t exactly sure what was going on with them. She assumed they were dating, but no one had said anything about it, so she didn’t ask.

Eventually Pearl showed up with a few drink options so no one could be too mad at her. Shea fixed her a drink that was heavy on the vodka but Sasha didn’t have anything going on the next day so she was perfectly fine with it.

The music was pumping at probably too high of a level. No doubt they’d get asked to turn it down, but in the moment everyone was having a good time.

Trixie had apparently cornered Shea and Shea was shooting her a ‘help me’ look as she got berated. Sasha chuckled before eventually making her way over to try and lend a helping hand.

“Hey Trix, I love this dress,” she complimented, poking the fabric lightly.

Trixie frowned, “Thanks, but don’t think you’re going to try and change the subject. I’m not thrilled with either of you.”

“C’mon Trixie. You can’t be mad at us for coincidentally being in the same place as you,” Shea rolled her eyes.

“No, but I can be mad that you invited her here,” Trixie retaliated.

“We’ll be on our best behavior. We just want to get to know her. You’ve made her out to be such an incredible person we just want a chance to experience that,” Shea shot back.

Trixie’s glare softened ever so slightly, “Fine, but I’m going to talk lots of shit about you all to her later.”

Shea laughed, “Fair enough,” she agreed. Trixie made her way over to where Katya was telling some outrageous looking story to Pearl, who looked fairly amused on her part.

“Well that didn’t go as awful as expected,” Sasha commented.

Shea nodded, “Yeah, though I think she just doesn’t want to cause a scene in front of Katya.”

“Probably. I am curious to chat with Katya some tonight. See what she’s all about,” Sasha told her.

“Me too. And see if she’s into Trix in the slightest,” Shea added.

“Definitely,” Sasha agreed.  

Sasha and Shea mingled and drank a little more. Shea didn’t have her final until the afternoon the next day and she was apparently confident about it so she wasn’t worried about staying sober and studying.

Eventually they ran into Katya, and Trixie seemed to not be around to police the conversation, so it seemed like fate.

“Sasha! Shea! It’s nice to see you guys again. Thanks for inviting me,” Katya greeted, wrapping them both in huge hugs.

“Of course, it’s great having you here,” Shea told her, and Sasha nodded in agreement.

Katya smiled widely, “It feels like I already know you guys so well from all the stories Trix told, but like this is my first time meeting the whole gang and it’s very weird,” she babbled.

“Don’t worry you’ll feel like part of this weird little family in no time,” Shea assured her.

Sasha smiled, “Yeah for sure, I only met everyone at the beginning of the semester and I completely feel like I’m a part of it. I’ll miss everyone a lot while they’re home for break,” she admitted.

“Aw Sash, we’ll all miss you so much,” Shea gave her a quick squeeze, “Don’t worry I’ll text you like every day.”

Katya smiled at their interaction, “You guys are really sweet together. Trixie didn’t say anything about it, but I gotta ask. How long have you guys been dating?”

Sasha looked at Shea to try to gage her reaction, Shea looked back at her before cracking up laughing. “No we’re just friends,” she explained, “We got put together as roommates and now we’ve got this lovely friendship out of it,” Shea squeezed her shoulder.

Katya looked frazzled, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.”

“No it’s totally fine,” Sasha assured her, “We’re really close so I can see why it might seem like that.”

Katya still looked like she felt bad about the mistake, luckily Shea jumped in as well, “Honestly it’s a compliment to our friendship if we’re viewed as a couple,” she smiled earnestly.

“I remember Trixie said something about you having a girlfriend,” she told Sasha, “I just wasn’t sure who it was.”

Sasha smiled, “Yeah, her name’s Aja. She had to work or else she’d be here tonight, but we’re still going to put her name in the drawing so she can be here in spirit,” she explained.

“Oh, that’s sweet of you. I hope to meet her soon, I’m sure I’ll see you guys around more next semester,” Katya figured.

Trixie had apparently realized that Katya had wandered over to talk to them, so of course she had to go jump in, “Yeah, we can do things like this all the time next semester. It’ll be great,” she smiled through gritted teeth.

“I can see why you didn’t want me to meet any of your friends, I’m going to ditch you for them now,” Katya nudged her playfully.

Trixie rolled her eyes, “Yeah, I’m sure they would love that.”

Sasha and Shea both cracked up, “We definitely would,” Shea chimed in.

“Yeah, we were actually going to go sign the adoption papers tomorrow,” Sasha added.

“This is a match made in hell, I regret everything,” Trixie groaned, “I’m getting another drink.”

Katya watched her walk away, “I should go with her,” Katya shot them another blinding smile before following Trixie to the kitchen.

“They’re something alright,” Sasha announced once she’d walked away.

Shea snorted, “Yeah definitely. I’m thinking with a little intervention from the group they’ll be together before summer.”

“Are you really making a bet on them right now?” Sasha raised her brows.

“Yes I am. I think I’ll get a pool started tonight, maybe do one for Kim and Naomi too,” Shea decided.

Sasha shook her head, “Well whatever you do, leave me out of it. I don’t want to be blamed when they find out.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re already coupled up, you don’t understand the single life. Always a bridesmaid, but never a bride,” Shea teased.

“A, no one’s getting married and B, you have Milk don’t you?” Sasha asked, confused.

Shea made a face, “I’m not like gonna date him though. It’s a stress relief thing, I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“Whatever you say,” Sasha finished her drink and announced she was going to get a refill. Shea took it as an opportunity to get everything sorted out for secret santa. She had written out the names earlier and even got a cute santa hat to put them in.

Sasha watched as she went around having people pick names. She would most likely know who everyone had by the end of the night, but they could all keep the illusion of it being secret.

Shea came around to her, and she grabbed one for Aja and one for herself, “Are you just going to keep the one you like better for you,” Shea teased.

“Hush,” Sasha giggled, “I gotta check the names to make sure we don’t get each other.”

“Sure,” Shea winked, before heading over to Pearl and Max to let them pick.

The papers Sasha had gotten were for Katya and Kim. She figured she’d be doing them both a favor by picking Katya, since she didn’t know much about her and Aja didn’t know much about either of them.

After papers were handed out and everyone hung out a little more. The party eventually started dwindling down and Shea wanted to head back to the dorm. She wanted to wake up early to study a little and pack her bag for the break.

They said their goodbyes to everyone before walking back to the dorm. “So who’d you and Aja get?” Shea nudged Sasha with her shoulder, stumbling a little bit in doing so.

Sasha caught her with a laugh, “I got Katya and she got Kim. Figured it was fair to give us both someone we didn’t really know.”

Shea nodded, “Don’t tell her, but I got Aja. I’ll probably need your help in picking something.”

“You two are really similar, so I’m sure she’d like the same things you do,” Sasha told her.

“Good to know,” Shea smiled.

Once they got back to the dorm, Shea threw herself onto her bed, and was pretty much out like a light right away. Sasha took some care in removing her makeup and changing into a t shirt before crawling into bed and falling asleep a well.

*

The next morning was spent quizzing Shea to help prep her for her exam and helping her decide what she needed to bring for her month back home.

Shea seemed to be ready for her exam. She liked the class as well as the professor, so she always paid attention. Sasha was mainly just quizzing her on little details, but she was sure Shea would be fine.

It was hard to believe that their semester was coming to a close. Kim and Trixie were catching their flight back that night and Max had an early flight. Pearl was staying in New York but would be visiting her dad for a week over the break, so Sasha would be left with none of them.

She’d probably spend her time at the bar and with Aja. It would be nice spending time with her dad too. She knew break would be enjoyable, but she’d still miss all her new friends.

Shea eventually left to take her exam. Sasha busied herself by tidying up the room even though they would most likely mess it up again that night.

Shea texted her when she was on her way back, so that Sasha could put in the order for pizza and cookies. They had agreed to spend their last night before break having a girl’s night for just them.

Sasha placed the order and Shea walked in a little later. “Hey, how’d it go?” Sasha asked.

Shea grinned, “I don’t want to say it was easy, but also, it was easy.”

“That’s good,” Sasha returned the smile, “Can you believe we’re done with our first semester?”

Shea took a seat beside her on the bed, “I know, it’s insane. Halfway through the year, it went by so fast.”

Sasha nodded, “I know and it’s only been a few months, but I feel like I’ve known you and this place my entire life.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Shea agreed. Sasha’s phone buzzed, letting her know that the food had gotten there, so they headed down to the lobby to pick it up.

They returned back to the room, and settled back in. Sasha poured them both a glass of wine, while Shea set up a movie. Then, they dug in to the pizza. They finished all the food in record time. Mean Girls was playing, but they’d both seen it so many times they didn’t really need to pay attention.

Two bottles of wine later and they were both feeling tipsy and sentimental. “Sasha, I’m so glad I got you as a roommate. You’ve made this semester exponentially better.”

Sasha felt her heart flip, and chalked it up to it just being a sweet sentiment, “You too, I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better roommate or friend.”

Shea beamed and reached for her hand to squeeze it, “It’s going to be weird not seeing you every day.”

Sasha squeezed her hand back, “We’ll still talk though, and it’s just a month,” she assured Shea.

Shea sighed, “I know, and I’m excited to visit home. It’s just gonna feel different now,” she admitted, before resting her head on Sasha’s shoulder.

Sasha let her stay like that, wrapping a comforting hand around her shoulder and rubbing her arm, “That might be a good thing though.”

“I guess,” Shea said.

“And it’ll make school even better to come back to,” Sasha added.

“You’re probably right,” Shea agreed, snuggling more into Sasha’s side. They finished the movie like that. Sasha did her best to ignore the beating of her heart and the nagging feeling inside her mind.

After the movie was over Sasha shrugged Shea off and they got to cleaning up a little. They both went off to take showers and make sure everything was ready for when her dad came to pick them up the next morning.

Morning came and they got ready. Her dad came to get them and drove Shea to the airport. Sasha gave her a heartfelt hug when they dropped her off, promising to text every day and making Shea promise to call as soon as she landed safely.

Shea waved goodbye before walking into the airport. Sasha got back in the car, and her dad drove them back home. It was only a month, but Sasha knew it would be a little hard. She checked her phone to see a text from Aja.

‘Hey, who did we get for the exchange?’ it read.

‘I got Katya and you got Kim,’ she wrote back.

Aja’s reply came quickly, ‘Who got me tho?’

‘No clue. Idk who got me either,’ she decided to lie and let it be a surprise. She knew Aja would like whatever gift Shea got her. She needed to start thinking about what she would get for them, as well as Katya, though she supposed she could ask Trixie for suggestions if she needed to.

If anything it would give them all something to talk about over the break, which would be nice. Her dad pulled into the driveway and Sasha went up to her room to put her stuff down. She already had snaps from the group, making it feel like they were still there. She smiled as she replied. Break was going to be okay, she was sure of it.

[jeevitharajiv-blog]

Innervoice Psychotherapy Skokie: Teen Anxiety And Depression

With spring breaks coming to an end and finals right around the corner, teenagers around the world may be feeling some added stress. When faced with stress or fear, our bodies release short bursts of adrenaline which we later recognize as anxiety. Anxiety is a normal and natural response in our bodies. With constant life changes, challenges and lack of emotional regulation skills, the teenage population is faced with anxiety oftentimes more than more often than others adults. Some reading this may remember their experiences with stress and anxiety during this time of their lives. Others may have forgotten about it or have blocked it out. Whether it is a fresh memory or something from the past, the teenage population is experiencing it now and it’s on the rise. Could my teen have anxiety?The simple answer is maybe. Recent research shows that over two million teenagers are diagnosed with anxiety disorders. Of those two million, roughly 800,000 also show symptoms of depression, and 66% (1.3m) have turned to abusing substances. Symptoms of anxiety today could look differently than what we’ve experienced in the past. Irritability, sleeplessness and avoidance are a few symptoms family and friends may recognize as signs. Other symptoms, such as a rapid heart beat, dizziness, muscle tension and paranoia, can often go unnoticed. What is causing anxiety in teens?Remember when we talked about your experience as a teen? Today we’ve noticed that teens have even more pressure with tests, projects, family roles, maintaining friendships, being liked by others, sports/extra curriculars, peer pressure, exploration of sexuality, thoughts of college, etc. These are all daily stressors that could be magnetized for a teen. Teens often struggle with handling numerous stressors due to lack of education and understanding around coping skills. They may also believe there is a lack of support and have increased desires of avoidance. Some researchers studying social media mention that instead of acknowledging their current emotional state, our society has inserted social media in its place. This can be another cause of anxiety. Often, we notice teens utilizing social outlets to increase their self-esteem. Once a teen’s post receives a comment or a “like,” it triggers the brain to release dopamine, which makes him or feel good. As the use of social media to regulate continues, dopamine sensors become reliant on the instant gratification of social media, creating a craving for more. The consequences of increase dopamine bursts are that if we do not get the “like” or the “poke” that is now conditioned to expect, our anxiety tends to increase. Increased anxiety around self-esteem is one of the most impactful areas for teens, causing negative self talk and irrational thoughts. What can I as a parent do from here?Be aware of your family’s medical history as genetics do play a part. While genetics can not cause your teen to have anxiety, there could be a predisposition. Encourage your teen to talk about their problems, reassure him/her that you can help with whatever crisis he/she may be experiencing (and PROVE IT by remaining calm when they open up.) Ask about her grades. Poor grades could be a sign of an underlying problem, such as anxiety. Lastly, dedicate more one-on-one time with him and be more involved. Learn more about his friends, teachers, school counselors and safety plans that are in place at school. Hopefully this will encourage you to talk about anxiety with your teen and help identify what symptoms being experienced. Be mindful that she, too, is going through a lot of changes. Listen to him; ask questions; let his time be about him and nothing else. Create a safety plan, if needed. Reach out to your local therapist or school counselor. Provide support. We’ve all been there. Wouldn’t it be nice to know someone is there for you? Uncomfortable with this topic or having a conversation with your teen?InnerVoice PC can help. Come visit our group and speak with a licensed psychotherapist in Skokie. To better serve you, we have two locations. One in Chicago. And our second location, in the Old Orchard Professional Building in Skokie, IL.