#I had to move a college visit & idk when I’m supposed to get my English project or any other homework done

[p0ison-moon]

making life worse for myself rn (meds wore off thirty minutes ago but I’m still trying to get stuff done)

[crazyperfectsense]

4/30/20/1

god April was 5 minutes long and I’m going to spend all 5 of them writing this post

this is honestly probably far too personal to put into the public of the internet, and perhaps I’ll take it down before anyone really sees it, but Tumblr is comforting because it is almost a graveyard and the people who remain (who I see in fleeting posts in passing, hi) I trust (or just will not see this because they do not care or the algorithm does not favor long text posts), whereas Facebook is horrifying and Instagram is worse, and this is likely going to be too long to hold anyone’s attention for the whole thing, but I also want to get some notes down for whenever I finally get to talk to my therapist again, so here we go

I woke up at 6:30am naturally (horrifying!), leapt out of bed because I realized how much work I had to do (hate when a nap turns into just...sleep!), and got a text from my dad 15 minutes later that my maternal grandfather was in critical condition, and somehow still managed to do work for the next six hours out of necessity

it briefly brought back flashbacks to 2012, where my dad didn’t tell me for a week that his father died because I had finals my first semester of college, but told me right after he picked me up as we were driving across campus to pick up a friend that we were taking back home, so I had about 3 minutes to compose myself before a 2 hour car ride (horrifying!)

my grandfather died around 1pm, and I had the truly unique (horrifying! ! ! !) experience of finding out via text while I was on a Zoom call as the TA, where I was the only person sharing video other than the professor (my advisor!), and I had to keep my composure while simultaneously finishing creating the homework that I was behind on making while also trying to figure out what to respond to this text notification of mortality, because I don’t know how to say any sort of condolence really in Chinese, but my dad was handling communications and just texting in English anyway — and I don’t know, it’s the kind of thing where I probably could’ve ditched the call and made excuses later, but the effort to preserve even the slightest tinge of normalcy in this moment seemed right, and I did my very best (and succeeded!) to not spontaneously burst into tears on camera, even though I did about 0.03 seconds after I hung up

an aside: thank god that my advisor was sharing screen and people were hopefully focused on him / in speaker mode or something, because my neutral face is....poor! not entirely sure because I avoided making eye contact with my virtual self aside from brief checks to make sure that I was still alive, still functioning as I flickered from screen to screen across my two monitors

I had a meeting scheduled with my advisor afterwards, and he was all ready to move into it, but was so extremely understanding the second he saw my message I had sent 50 min earlier that was effectively “can we push this back a bit because my grandfather died and I need to call my fam lol” and suggested (as any normal person with emotions would) that I take the time to formally postpone and regroup if needed (needed!) rather than just pushing back a half hour or so like I naively thought would work

I had to desperately cry for about 20 minutes (horrifying!) before I felt ready to call my family, even so 

I hate hearing my mom sad! it’s the fucking worst! but it was a relief for 2 seconds to exist over a phone line with someone who also couldn’t talk straight without needing to take a few gasping breaths

another aside: i didn’t write about this in February because, well, everything was on fire in my life already, so briefly: my mom was supposed to be in China through mid-March, having gone there in October. things obviously went to shit, given *gestures at COVID-19 and the world*, and we booked her an early return flight, given that the senior living facility my grandparents were in had already closed to visitors out of precaution. my brother, dad, and I collectively freaked the fuck out (my brother started crying in the middle of class and had to leave, I barely held it together in mine but paid negative attention) when flights back from China started getting cancelled (and for those like, terrifying few hours where Trump was going to ban foreign nationals since my mom’s not a citizen and they didn’t make it clear that immediate family of US citizens were fine), but we somehow made it happen

so, back to the phone call: I just let her talk and she had so many regrets about leaving China when she did, and it just made me feel like the shittiest person for wanting her back home in America when it deprived her of the chance to see her dad one more time. my uncle and mom luckily got to take my grandparents out of the senior home for one night to celebrate Chinese New Year the day before the facility closed to visitors, so they had one last dinner together as a family but thinking about the what ifs makes me want to cry all over again. my mom just kept saying how she wished she could’ve done more, how she wished they had gone to the hospital earlier for a check-up, and the most I could helplessly contribute was “coronavirus concerns were already rampant and it could have been even worse, given airborne contagion,” even if I said as many other things as I could, about how dialysis was painful as hell and my grandfather, the former doctor, said he didn’t even want to be in the ICU at the end years before his passing

I learned what the Chinese words were for “depression” today, when my mom said my grandfather said he had it and they had gotten him some medication for it a few months ago, and I was so stunned that it was “depression” and not some strange disease I was unfamiliar with that I couldn’t say anything for 30 seconds, and I can’t really write more on this point because I will just start crying, but perhaps I should really think about how aging research is largely focused on non-Asian populations and how perhaps, I’m uniquely equipped to contribute a bit to the field here (but, that is true for so many things, and I am tired!)

my grandfather was great. he was quiet, but stubborn as hell. he was a doctor, and he loved routine. he cared so, fucking, much about me and my brother. he always insisted on taking my brother and me on walks to the same few places that he liked to visit — I remember visiting this community center that had a ping pong table — and him going out of his way to find me internet access, since my grandparents’ apartment didn’t have it for most of the years I visited. he loved taking me and my brother to KFC, because he thought it was the height of Americanized cuisine in China, and was so proud of how much better it was than American KFC (which he hadn’t had, but he knew, and he was right. we would eat every single bite of a two-piece meal each. even the ketchup was better). he once cut out a newspaper clipping ranking UT as the #2 college on this huge list of colleges (I think it was referring to research endowments, but anyway) and saved it to show me almost a year later. he told me in 2013 that he would probably live to see me finish college, and he lived to see me two years into grad school, dying when I was halfway through year three. he was 89. I loved him so much, even if we didn’t get to talk much at all.

I’m so mad at all these fucking people who, in the land of the free and the home of the so-called brave, are being idiots in this time and not social distancing. I’m so mad at every single friend who posts a large or small gathering to their story, at everyone who is so thirsty for social connection that they’re willing to put everyone they’re in close contact with at risk to hang out with another person for just a few hours (horrifying!). humans are social creatures who need engagement and connection to live — having written 22 pages about health and social relationships across 12 hours a few weeks ago, I understand this point so saliently that it’s painful. but seeing such....levity when my mom is crying over not being able to even go back to China to properly say goodbye because they won’t admit anyone from the US (and the US has banned travel to China, like that was necessary in this xenophobic environment) makes me want to punch a wall. suck it up! call your friends over Zoom or FaceTime like the goddamn rest of us!

grief is so strange, and grief is encapsulated in every molecule of this new normal — the strangeness of missing the life that once was, even if the past wasn’t something that I thought I’d miss. I remember feeling so, so guilty for traveling twice in February because of the studying for comps that I should’ve been doing, and now I marvel at my foresight. (and have so many regrets for the people who I told “I’ll see you in April when I’m back after comps are done!!”

I’m in this weird spot where I feel like I’m screaming at the people around me to care, and all of them are too busy with different social ties, and I’m watching my connections wilt and fray because everyone thinks I’m so stable and put-together (or boring and shy?)

an example: I was left off of a reunion Zoom call with some people I worked with in college that was widely talked about on social media regarding “love having shared all this time with these strong women” and all, and it felt very, idk, selfish and whiny (horrifying) to be like “how can you call this feminism when I, a real woman, am being left out of this call”! the following exchange, about the above, happened with in a group chat with a very blunt friend:

D: “Also, how does it feel to be left out of that [organization] Women zoom call, Amy?” another aside: (this....was a stupid question. but we’ll allow it, because boys will be boys.) me: “lol it honestly hurt my feelings but it's not like they weren't cliquey from the very beginning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to be expected I suppose” D: “Yeah when I saw that I was like “Why didn’t include Amy, she was there at the same time as they were”” me: “LOL thanks for thinking of me 🥺 they clearly did not”

(the other friend staying quiet, because it was tangibly awkward, even if I tried to play it chill, but my feelings remain hurt) perhaps if I cared more, or wanted to try and make people feel bad, I would’ve replied to a story with “tfti”, or laughed, or heart-reacted, or something “casual” that still implicates “where was my invite”, but....is it even worth investing the hurt and care and time when I’m not even sure it would spark embarrassment on their end? because perhaps they intentionally just do not...care about me and my feelings? at all? (horrifying?)

(I already know this to be true, even if the snub was unintentional, but I needed to muse about it anyway)

another aside: I still talk with plenty of people from this organization who I am MUCH closer with, and I shouldn’t feel snubbed to be snubbed by people who I never felt too close with in the first place! (and yet! horrifying!)

sent an extremely passive aggressive message earlier and yet, K tells me that the people in the chat might not even read it as passive aggressive! (horrifying!)

god. I don’t know! I feel so much sadness and anger, and yet still have a few hours of work to do tonight. it’s wild that even today, where my heart just hurts every few seconds if I think too hard, I still have my mind centered in needing to be productive and not lazy because I’ve already spent too much time procrastinating on my work (horrifying!). but the work is about Asian American collective action / media production, and I feel good about it, and I’m working with some badass Asian women, and I really hope it lands in this flagship journal, because that would be a win, and I kind of just need one! 

oh if it’s not clear I finished comps and I don’t know if I passed yet but they’re done so...that’s something

also whoever fucking looked at Chicago style citations and thought “oh hmm, let’s make another type of Chicago style that is DIFFERENT and call it Chicago style documentation” is the literal fucking devil

ok this is enough for now bye. god this was long. (horrifying!!!!!!)

[jawnkeets]

how did you feel that magdalen college was 'right' for you? did you have an application, did you choose it by yourself, did you have doubts between two or more colleges? what do you like the most about magdalen, and how can one decides which one to apply? sorry if im asking too much!! xx

in all honesty, when i was initially doing some starry-eyed searching i picked based on alumni, and obviously magdalen caught my eye bc oscar wilde, c. s. lewis (louis theroux…) etc. but i was put off by the grand architecture and huge grounds, the fact that it was averaging first on the norrington table, and i’d read on online forums that english at magdalen was particularly competitive. so i sort of ruled it out initially as i just assumed i could never make it and i’d be pooled and then the college decision would be out of my hands (don’t second guess the system like this, i’m glad i learned not to before the ucas deadline!).

before the open day i googled the colleges and whittled it down to two or three to visit (which i think was a good idea as going round and looking at the colleges in detail is pretty time-consuming), looking at youtube tours, social media photos, and things like the size of the undergraduate body, whether accommodation is for three years, distance from city centre etc (there may be different things that are important for you, idk). at this point, though, i had pretty much decided that i was going to apply to merton (as at the time i was obsessed with t. s. eliot, who was an alumnus of the college), and was lucky enough to be able to stay the night there before the open day (can’t remember how i went about requesting - think you can apply online or something) which further confirmed this.

i found merton beautiful, and even though its academic reputation was formidable it felt cosy and i was made to feel welcome and at home when i stayed. but tbh on the open day i didn’t feel like it all clicked into place in the way i thought it would, and i was left content, but not dazzled (other people that i’ve spoken to who have gone through the process last year and also this year have felt that merton was definitely right for them, which just goes to show how every individual is very different and that people will ‘click’ with different colleges). i was left wondering what to do; there wasn’t much time left of the open day and i only had time to visit one more college. earlier in the day i’d gone to some sample lectures and a tutor at magdalen delivered one of them; i found it really inspirational, and his ideas and the way he expressed them were so quirky and exactly what i was aiming for academically, and you’re not supposed to pick colleges based on tutors really as they may move, you might not end up having them, etc (though luckily i did have that tutor in michaelmas term and he was unreal), but it really made me feel as if i should at least have a look round magdalen, so i didn’t have that ‘what if’ feeling for potentially the rest of my life, when magdalen had been an instinctive first choice. 

so i went on the last tour of the day round magdalen. and it was just so magical in real life, in a way that online photos didn’t and couldn’t capture, and the atmosphere of the place just felt right. so i decided in that moment that it didn’t matter how prestigious it was, or how competitive, or even if i didn’t get in, because i knew i‘d regret it if i didn’t give it a go. it really helped that the geography student who showed me round was from a state school and assured me that it was possible (i think magdalen has the most or at least one of most disproportionate private to state school ratios of all the colleges, which at the time i found intimidating).

hope this helps! i hope that rather than being a guide or something to emulate this is instead a testament to the fact that there is no right way to choose a college, and that your selection process can be as deliberate and methodical or random and haphazard as you like (mine was a mixture of both). that said, i would definitely recommend doing your research, as i don’t agree with the people who say that there are no substantial differences between the colleges, and that you’ll have an identical ‘oxford experience’ at all of them.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 03.09.18 lb

wow, anika gets the bed? where’s shivaay? still on the floor? 

oh guess he took the sofa tonight. 

THANK GOD SHE DOESN’T SLEEP WITH DUPATTA ON. I REMEMBER HER DOING THAT A FEW TIMES IN THE OU. 

... these days whose first instinct isn’t to just take their phone and call the person??? no one goes anywhere without their phone.

of course he’s in the kitchen. 

... uh shivaay? u ok bro? whatcha got going on there buddy? 

ok none of the dishes he prepared seem to be sweet. why are there 4 million boxes of dark brown sugar here then???? 

huh??? that’s not what “organic” means???/ and how would he know if it’s been touched by anyone??? 

ok firstly he has a friend who’s not a brother????? how???? secondly, ohhhh boyyy, mohit is his best friend and he’s gonna fuck him over goooooood. just like daksh did in the OU. oh shivaay, why can’t you pick better friends????

aw man he looks so happy. this poor boy.  

“ek baar kisi ne uske khaane mein kuch milaa diya tha... aur woh marr gaya tha.” 

LMAO WHAT????!?!?!!??????????? AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT SO CASUALLY??????????? 

“phir woh waapas aa gaya.”

all hail the immortal mohit. i’m already super intrigued by him. 

mohit’s a magician. like... LITERALLY. 

oh apparently shivaay’s an oxford man in this universe. (as opposed to cambridge in the OU.) 

also, mohit went to oxford and now is a magician???? what a waste of those tuition fees. (or does oxford offer courses in magic and that’s what his degree’s in???) 

also yeah we definitely know how mohit is going to fuck up everything here. through his illusions and shit. they shouldn’t have revealed this right at the get go. 

ok this mohit/taj is definitely a weirdo with the whole sugar bs. aur ek TEJ kya kam tha, ki ab yeh TAJ bhi aa gaya jeena haraam karne? 

also again, this brown sugar is ainvayi ka exposition, so that anika will have clues to link mohit to whatever fuckery goes down in the coming days. 

shivaay seems verrrrrrry excited to introduce his ‘sirf dost’ to his best dost. 

but i still don’t get why he’s prepared like, 50 meals for him??????? 

ok idk what kinda high maintenance weirdass “friendship” this is, that shivaay is redecorating a whole damn room for him. i barely manage to run the vacuum cleaner and dust around a little bit before my bff visits. 

JUST TELL THE TRUTH SHIVAAY, MOHIT’S AN EX BOYFRIEND ISN’T HE? LIKE, COME ON. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES THE FIRST SECOND HE WAKES UP OTHERWISE???? 

headcanon: mohit is in the redux what advay was in the OU. cute college roomie who shivaay experimented with. 

GAURI IS ME. I AM GAURI. 

“best friend ka pata nahi, par ajeeb zaroor hain.” 

SEE????? GAURI IS ME. 

lol i love how prinku sees aniri and instantly is like YES WHO AND WHAT ARE WE GOSSIPING ABOUT TODAY???? 

god how many fucking times has shivaay almost died in this universe???? 

also jaan toh khanna ne bhi bachaayi hai uski. koi usko kyun nahi maanta????? #RespectKhanna2k18

PRINKU CASUALLY HOLDING HANDS WITH GAURI AS THEY WALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

DANG DUDES I THINK I SHIP RIKU????? PRINKU’S CERTAINLY MAKING MORE OF A MOVE THAN OMKARA HAS IN ALL THESE DAYS. #theOberoiThatDeservesRi

literalllllllllllllly die in a fire, dadi. 

ok thank god at least for a few days this old battleax will calm the f down with the hate. 

the fuck you mean khud fly karke aa raha hai???? like... LITERALLY? FLAPPING HIS OWN WINGS, AS OPPOSED TO IN AN AIRCRAFT? 

idk man, in this show anything’s possible. also he’s a magician so who the fuck knows??????????

uhhhhhh is it necessary to take the call out here in the storm than in the car where it’s quieter???? 

mohit sounds hella irresponsible if he’s on the phone while piloting a chopper. 

yeah mohit don’t give a fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk about the weather. 

WHY ARE THESE MEN YELLING AT SHIVAAY???? LIKE, ISN’T THERE SOME AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWER WHERE THEY CAN COMMUNICATE WITH MOHIT DIRECTLY AND NOT GIVE HIM CLEARANCE TO LAND? 

lmao all of them yelling and waving this is just the dumbest fucking bullshit everrrrrrrrrrrr. 

he landed just fine, you idiots. 

aaaaaaaaaand the chopper just blew up. not that safe a landing i suppose. 

for sure an “illusion” by mohit. 

itna toh shivaay anika ke liye bhi nahi chillaaya tha kal. more faraq here, definitely. 

yup, there he is, striding out coolly. why would you even doubt otherwise? looks like i have more faith in mohit and his jadoo than you do, shivaay. 

ohhhhhhhh boy. what a terrible hammy entry under the guise of swag. 

lmao where did SHE appear from? 

man, just... the amount of trauma this poor boy has undergone in the last 24 hours. yesterday this time, he was mid-fall from the 30th floor. and now this bullshit. everyone around him is wearing on his last damn nerve. 

lol what is this ridiculous chammiya music that’s the theme to mohit and his gal pal??????????? 

yeah this is how you already know that mohit is a fucking TERRIBLE friend, that he pranks his “best friend” with this kinda garbage, and is nonchalantly asking him “kya hua? darr gaya?” 

“tera jadoo kisi ki jaan lega ek din.” “kisi ki nahi, teri.” 

yeah, toxic friend alert. literally fuck off mohit. you’re cute and all but i don’t like you. 

also what on the nose foreshadowing. kuch toh fucking subtlety rakho???????? 

“zinda hoon main, CHOO KE DEKH LE.”

mohit, not in front of the wife! 

oh yikes, her accent is terrible. why not just have her speak in english? 

some friendship this is, he didn’t even invite him to his wedding.

lmao ok shivaay also got married without telling him, so i suppose they’re even in this case. 

ahaa. mohit already knows. 

man tej is a damn gossip. now we know where rudra gets his non-ability to keep a secret from. 

yeah you two shady fuckers and your jadoo aren’t fooling me oneeeeeeee bit. 

ohohohohoooooo namaste and all. waah bhai, kya sanskaar hain. 

literally 3 minutes into this and i’m already tired of mohit and his magic. god how am i going to tolerate this bs over the coming weeks???

god shivaay could you stop gushing over him like this????????// MAN HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL THAT HE’S SHADY AF????? YOU HAVE THE INSTINCTS OF SOMEONE BORN YESTERDAY. 

god aadhe se zyaada episode toh in saalo ke entry par chala gaya. 

now i suppose we’ll have to see aniri gush over him?// 

oh so shivaay’s perfectly fine introducing anika to his best friend as “biwi” huh????? 

dang anika, i’ve never seen you this excited in this universe ever. 

is it this sari? i think it’s this sari. she gets very hyper whenever she wears it. 

gauri is internally screaming DI CAN YOU CHILL PLZ YOU’RE COMING ACROSS AS SO EMBARRASSING (same as me.) 

mohit calling anika “so cute” is a big fucking mood. 

when the fuck will shivaay appreciate???????? 

yeaaaaaaaah mohit. wait till you find out the real story. you should get a reallllllll kick outta it. 

... is there a reason nancy had to be a foreigner? other than the fact that she’s played by one? 

“kuch zyaada hi ganda hai” lmaooooooooooooo mohit you savage SHE’S TRYING YOU BITCH

oh goddddddddddd nancy you literally just walked in, can you settle down a little before you start interrogating people on their “love story”??? 

...... so they’re just avoiding that direct question and are having this conversation about mohit’s jadoo instead??? 

also shivaay is like pls no more jadoo today. 

IS ANYTHING EVEN GONNA HAPPEN IN TODAY’S EP? AINVAYI MERA TIME WASTE KARE JAA RAHE HO TUM LOG. GIVE ME MORE PRIYANKA AND GAURI HOLDING HANDS IF YOU PPL HAVE NO PLOT TO SHOW ME. 

god anika is being pushy and weird as fuck. 

“gauri, psssst.” 

“sambhaalo apni behen ko.” 

lmao gauri is suchhhhhhhh a farmabardaar saali. instantly pulling anika up to her and glaring, on orders from jiju. #shivRi4ever

adorable girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

“hopefully YEH waala jhoomar na gayab kar de, warna bade papa bade naraaz ho jayenge.”

“kyun? unko jadoo pasand nahi?”

“nahi unhe jhoomar zyaada pasand hai.” 

man i loveeeeeee prinku. 

god anika you’re such an idiotttttt. aur un dono ko bhi pagal bana rahi ho. 

“ab kabootar niklega!” 

lmaoooo i’d like to see shivaay’s reaction to that, after finding out he hates alllllllll animals. 

why does nancy put up with this man????? he seems highly annoying. 

shivaay is as sick of anika’s bullshit as i am. 

is dadi warming up a little to anika or just smirking at her being annoying (proving that she’s wrong for her precious billuuuuuuu???) 

god anika you’re literally the worst today. 

great more 2 rs waala jadoo tomorrow ughhhhhhhh. 

OK WHAT PLOT I WANTED FOR RIKARA, RIKU ARE EXECUTING INSTEAD. THAT’S IT, I OFFICIALLY SHIP RIKU THIS UNIVERSE, SINCE THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE GIVING ME. 

[xuseokgyu]

This might be the longest one yet.......... rip. i had some stories to tell.... :((

My job is to mostly to tell people when they make mistakes lmao. i work in document quality control ? for a manufacturing company, mostly check the inspection paperwork and certificates for the medical/surgical devices. and then have to be like this... is not right. fix this. currently have a lot of prototype parts going through which have some added requirements but also they keep changing the prints so then obviously the paperwork then changes and its just been annoying cuz its redo-ing a lot of paperwork.

yeah, that makes sense and that is part of it sometimes... i also think im just not in the mood for certain genres of music at times lol.

lol yeah it was so funny in the beginning she was watching some mv's and kept sending me screenshots of jeonghan with different hair styles with this message "who is this????" and every single time it was still jeonghan. i was just like lmao you should just assume that its jeonghan at this point. her defense was that he looks really different every time he changes his hair. she can recognize him now at least. the only other ones she can recognize currently are s.coups (her current favorite member overall) and vernon (her favorite rapper in their songs - she really like how vernon raps). shes more rap biased lol.

thank you.. you are only a little late lol my bday was the 11th. the last time i played bingo i spent $40 total over two days (80 games @ $0.50/game) and won zero. its a skill... i only got close to bingo (1 space away) like 3 times total. it was really tragic... at one point the lady sitting at the same table as us was just like wow... i haven't seen you even get three in a row since i've been here (which was like an hour).

We went to the same kindergarten, then i moved away and then i moved back in the 8th grade (i also have known the friend that is getting into svt for the same amount of time since she went to that same school, though her family are basically neighbors with my cousins family, and they are really close, so i saw her a lot more overall but wasn't super close to her until more recently actually, when we went to the same wedding (my cousin's) and starting talking again)

also to help this make more sense (as in why would they remember me lol) my graduating class size at that school was only 22 people, and my cousins also went to that same school. my dad went to that school, the english teacher there had taught my dad when he was in high school, its extreme small town vibes. people would literally just recognize what family i came from and just start talking to me. and i'd just be frantically trying to figure out who they were. like oh god oh god am i supposed to know who this is?? have i met this person before???

actually the wackiest thing is one of my friends from when i moved (big school), her grandma, i found out after we moved back to the small town, used to babysit my dad and her grandmas house was literally a mile down the street from us... you could see her grandmas house from our living room windows. i was just like what?? her cousins also then went to the same school as me. and then we fell out of touch but then ended up going to the same college. where she would be like "i saw you on campus today" and i was just like??? i did not see you, where are you? i haven't talked to you in like 3 years wtf?? i'm not in touch with her anymore but my younger sister is currently roommates with her younger sister in college lmao. oh other bizarre thing... one of my classmate's (from the big school) relatives bought the house we sold when i moved in kindergarten, and idk for some reason a few years after we moved we went back to the old house for something idk, and my classmate was visiting her family at my old house at the same time. we saw each other and we just stared at each other like what are you doing here?? we had moved like hour away (highway travel times) lol so it was just so random. (wow i hope these made sense lol)

the heat was worse in the beginning of summer i think... or i've just gotten used to it lol. there was all that smoke though that blew in from canada a bit ago though. but thats almost become a yearly thing now unfortunately. lol your weather sounds like how the weather is here sometimes - i live in minnesota, we are known for our wildly fluctuating weather. extreme highs and lows.

I love piano in music! I had to learn how to play piano as a kid... my grandma taught (most) of the grandchildren. i'm not very good at it tbh i never liked to practice and i havent played in years lol. we also learned how to play the piano/read sheet music when i went to the big school for music class for a year. I feel like if you are able to buy a little cheap or used keyboard it shouldn't be too hard to teach yourself if you wanted to start?? at least simple songs. I guess learning to read music would be the hardest place to start if you've never read sheet music before?? but thats what cheat sheets are for tbh. write the notes in, write them on the keys whatever works. we had a foldable note cheat sheet thing that went behind the keys and said the name of the note and where it was on the staff behind all the keys. when I was learning i'd be like b b b where is the b im looking for... ah here it is *ding* ok and now c ... c . c. ah ha *ding* and then repeat until you can play at a normal speed lol.

oh hands down its Oh My! best summer song lol i love Oh My! .... You Made My Day is also my fav album... what about you?

also what's ur favorite cold drink (#2)? picked this one cuz I have been buying myself bubble tea like once a week almost uhhh all summer lol the tapioca pearls at this place are so much better than other places i've been to and this place has cheese foam that i have also become obsessed with (tho thats very expensive its an extreme treat myself drink add-on lol) the blended mango with cheese foam... so good.... its like $7 though. today i got the normal mango milk tea which i hadn't had in a while cuz i'd been going through the various types of regular? milk tea (made with different types of black tea - i love black tea i have um a lot of tea i think i have like 15 different types rn). Otherwise I almost always have ginger ale in my fridge lol its great for a lot of things and also just to drink. love ginger ale... i just love ginger honestly.....

Is 1am and I should be sleeping but I wanna answer this before reveal day!!!

Best job description 😂😂 I feel like your job is one that can become automatic very easily so I can see how the changes can be annoying

SCoups and Vernon are definitely the ones with more distinctive faces, they were the ones I recognized better first, same for my father... he knows the names of all the members now but he still messes up the three Js hahah Jeonghan Joshua and Jun always take a while for him to recognize, sometimes Wonwoo too, which drives my sister crazy cause two of her three bias are there 😂😂

These small town vibes are so cool! I love that you have this community and managed to form long lasting friendships!! I basically had the same classmates for ten years and as soon as we graduated I lost touch... I made great friends at college tho The pandemic has been hard, we are respecting our health and haven’t seen each other personally since it all started, but I hope once we can meet again everything will go back to how it was between us

I had a situation sort of similar to yours at school too ahha My mom was and had already been a teacher (P.E.) at my school for years so all the staff and a looot of the older students knew who I was, but I had no idea who those people were hahah To this day almost everywhere we go together we will encounter some old student of hers...

Is so cool that your grandma did that! But I can see how it was more a task than something you truly wanted to do so you probably wouldn’t be very excited heheh I was part of a choir growing up and we had sheet music but our teacher never truly showed us how to read it, I know the basics but is literally like a toddler that just learned the alphabet hahah

Oh my! really is THE summer song I completely agree with you there!! I also absolutely loove the mv and whole comeback seemed really cool

Oohh I only had bubble tea once and I want to drink it again!! I only know of one place that sells it here, it is still a pretty new “concept” so there’s not a lot of shops around... And I never had ginger ale! I’m super curious about it cause I’ve heard it being mentioned in, like, tv series, but I don’t drink sodas so I don’t know if I would break my “diet” for a taste heheh My favorite cold drink is lemon iced tea, the ones we have here are really sweet and kinda “sparkling”? (I don’t know how to say it... is almost like a soda but not really 😅) Even during the winter, we drink it during weekends cause is a “special drink” hahahah not a Brazilian thing, just in my house

[surveystodestressme]

138.

A is for America

1. Do you live in America?

yup

2. Have you ever gone to America for a holiday?

-

3. Do you speak in American English?

yes

4. Do you like a lot of American bands?

yeah

5. What do you think of the American president?

he’s pretty shit but oh well

B is for Bugs

1. What’s your favourite bug?

uhhh i don’t have one?

2. What’s your least favourite bug?

lady bugs or stink bugs

3. Do you freak out if a bug lands on you?

usually

4. Do you kill bugs or capture them & set them free elsewhere?

i try to capture them and set them free unless it’s a stinkbug or a ladybug

5. Have you ever had an infestation of bugs in your home?

yes!  last year we had an infestation of ladybugs

C is for Cars

1. Can you drive?

yes.

2. What type of car do you or your family own?

chevy classic

3. What would your dream car look like?

i want a honda accord

4. Are you more attracted to someone if they have a nice car?

nah

5. Do you think it’s important to have a nice car or just a car that gets you from A to B?

A to B is my main concern

D is for Dogs

1. Have you ever or do you own a dog?

yup

2. Do you even like dogs?

i love them

3. What breed of dog do you like best?

i really like rottweilers

4. Do you think it’s cute or cruel to dress up dogs?

i know some dogs have skin problems to the point where they need to wear a shirt/sweater, etc so i think that’s okay.  or maybe a hairless dog having something on is ok

5. Have you ever rescued a dog?

not yet

E is for Eggs

1. Do you like eggs?

yes.

2. Do you eat them often?

maybe once a week or so

3. How do you like them to be cooked?

over easy

4. Do you like the yolk to be runny?

yes

5. What do you like in your omelette?

i don’t like omelettes

F is for Friends

1. Do you have a large group of friends?

not really.

2. Do you prefer one best friend or lots of friends?

lots of friends

3. Have you ever lost a best friend?

yep.

4. Has a friend ever let you down or hurt you?

yes.

G is for Grandparents

1. Are all your grandparents still alive?

yes

2. What are their names?

bonnie and Ralph are my dad’s parents.  carol and tom are my mom’s parents.

3. How close do you live to them?

my dad’s parents live in missouri but come to visit every month.  my mom’s parents live in texas but are here during the summer

4. Are you close to them?

not really

5. Were you your grandparents first grandchild?

nope.

H is for Holidays

1. What calendar holidays do you celebrate?

all of them pretty much.  or the basics at least

2. What’s the best holiday you’ve ever had?

halloween

3. Have you ever been on holiday without a parent?

nope

4. Where’s the furthest you’ve traveled for a holiday?

i don’t think i ever have traveled for a holiday

5. Do you class going away to somewhere in the same country you live in as a holiday?

nope

I is for Ice cream

1. Do you like ice cream?

yeah

2. Do you eat it more in the Summer then any other time?

probably.

3. What’s your favourite flavour?

i like orange sherbet

4. Have you ever eaten a whole tub to yourself?

yeah

5. Do you have an ice cream van that comes around your houses?

it used to but i don’t know anymore because i’m never home

J is for Jokes

1. What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

eh, idk.

2. Are you known for your jokey personality?

i suppose

3. Do you play jokes & tricks on people a lot?

not really

4. Has a joke ever gone wrong?

not that i remember

5. Do you find most jokes funny even when others don’t?

no.

K is for Kites

1. Have you ever flown a kite?

nope

2. When was the last time you flew a kite?

-

3. Do you still own a kite? What does it look like?

-

4. When you were little were you worried that the kite would go too high & take you with it?

-

5. Have you ever got a kite tangled around a pole or wire?

-

L is for Life

1. What is the meaning of life?

i dunno

2. Are you happy with your life?

yeah

3. What’s your lifetime goals?

finish college, get a career in my field, move away, start my life

4. What’s been you best lifetime achievement?

idk

5. Have you ever thought about ending your life?

yeah

M is for Mathematics

1. Was maths your favourite school subject?

noooo

2. Are you good at maths?

yes, i’m very good at it.  it’s just tedious

3. What is your favourite thing to do with maths [Adding, Algebra etc]?

nothing

4. Do you use maths daily?

yes.

5. Do you tend to count in your head or use a calculator?

depends

N is for Night Time

1. Is this your favourite time of day?

yes.

2. What time do you go to bed?

depends around 11 ish usually

3. Have you ever stayed out at night just to watch the stars & moon?

yes

4. Are you scared of the dark?

depends

5. How good is your night-vision?

i have night blindness so pretty bad lol

O is for Octopus

1. Have you ever seen an octopus in real life?

yes.

2. Have you ever caught an octopus?

no.

3. Have you ever eaten octopus? Did you like it?

nope.

4. Do you think octopuses are ugly or cute?

i think they’re cute!!

5. Have you ever been inked by an octopus?

nope.

P is for Plants

1. Are you interested in gardening?

not at all

2. Can you name different plants by looking at them?

very few

3. Do you grow any plants?

we have a lilac tree in our yard and we used to grow tomatoes but that’s it

4. Do plants just die when you look after them?

they probably would lol

5. What is your favourite plant?

i don’t have one

Q is for Queens

1. Who is your favourite Queen?

i don’t have one

2. Would you ever like to be a Queen of a country?

nope.

3. What is the Queen’s job description?

to rule

4. Are you a drama queen?

i can be

5. Have you ever worn a tiara?

i don’t think so

R is for Relationships

1. Are you currently in a relationship?

yes.

2. How many serious relationships have you had?

like 4

3. Have you ever been in love?

yes.

4. What do you enjoy most about being in a relationship?

having someone you love to care for and take care of you and to spend your life with

5. Do you think relationships are overrated?

nope

S is for Sex

1. Are you a virgin?

no.

2. How many times have you had sex?

too many times to count

3. What’s your favourite sexual position?

reverse cowgirl

4. What contraceptive do you / will you use?

birth control and condoms

5. Do you own any sex toys?

no.

T is for Time

1. What is the current time?

12:59 pm

2. Do you check the time often?

yeah

3. Do you feel that there isn’t enough hours in the day?

sometimes.

4. Do you tell the time by 12 hours or 24 hours?

12

5. Are you good at being on time?

i’m usually early to everything

U is for Universe

1. Would you ever like to travel into space?

absolutely!!!

2. Do you ever wish on stars?

when i see a shooting star, i do but i don’t see those very often

3. Have you ever seen a shooting star?

yes

4. Do you ever wonder about how the universe came about?

i do

5. Have you ever witnessed an eclipse?

i have

V is for Vegetables

1. Do you eat vegetables?

yes.

2. What’s your favourite vegetables?

asparagus

3. When you were a child did you eat your vegetables through force or choice?

choice

4. Are you a vegetarian?

i used to be.

5. The big question. Sprouts; Yay or Nay?

idk

W is for Work

1. Where do you work?

animal shelter and a hope store

2. Is that where you’d like to still be in ten years time?

nope

3. What was your first ever job?

waitress

4. Do you enjoy your job?

at the animal shelter, i do

5. Who are your co-workers?

ther’e s a lot of ‘em

X is for X-Rays

1. Have you ever had an X-ray?

yes.

2. Are you scared of having X-rays?

nope

3. Do you worry about the radiation that they give out?

no.

4. Why do you think they are called X-ray’s & not “bone scans” or something else more relevant?

idk man

5. Have you ever had to have an X-ray in an awkward or embarrassing place?

nope.

Y is for Yogurt

1. What is your favourite flavour yogurt?

vanilla.

2. Do you even like yogurt?

not really honestly

3. Have you ever eaten live yogurt?

what?

4. Do you add yogurt to anything such as cereal?

nope

5. Do you usually eat yogurt as a meal or for a desert?

snack.

Z is for Zoo

1. Have you ever been to the zoo?

yes.

2. Do you agree with animals being held captive?

there are plenty types of zoos. they’re all about conservation but i respect the ones that give their animals a ton of space, simulating their actually habitat. (this is what the last person who took the survey said and i agree with it)

3. What’s the first animal you go to see when at the zoo?

whichever i’m most interested in that’s there

4. Have you ever watched the animals being fed?

yes.

5. Do you live close to a zoo?

like a 20 min drive from one but it’s really small

[misomilk]

hi :) is it possible to get an answer for all of the country questions? if no, can i pls get the answer to what you think of translations to eng, your fave song in your native tongue and fave author?

Hello~! You’re so sweet, anon. Thanks for giving me something to do to pass the time while I ignore what I’m supposed to do. LOL

This was so much fun to answer. I hope you pick up things about where I’m from. :) Have an awesome day!!!

1. favourite place in your country? I really love El Nido. It’s super pretty, and not so tourist-filled the last time I went. (That was many, many years ago…) The water is so clear. The critical spots for animals are properly preserved. Gosh. It was perfect. :’) Arashi’s Aiba Masaki had gone there HUEHUEHUE Too bad I went like, a year before he did. A year before I ever found Arashi. XD The beaches of the Philippines are really super lovely.

2. do you prefer spending your holidays in your country or travel abroad? I prefer traveling abroad. I pretty much fly to Japan every chance I get. LOL But if I were to travel with family, yes. I’d rather just kick back and relax in one of our beaches. We went to Coron last time! It was beautiful, too. But El Nido remains my favorite.

3. does your country have access to sea? Yes! We see the sea all over. (laughs over XV joke)

4. favourite dish specific for your country? Oh, boy, oh boy. I gotta name three of them.1) Kare-kare - I guess?? It’s our version of curry but it’s so different from any other curry. It’s peanut-based, normally soupy, with boiled vegetables and (typically) ox tongue. I love my mom’s take on it. Very thick sauce and very peanut-y. * W * She uses normal beef parts bec I dont eat ox tongue.2) Lumpiang Shanghai - this is probs taken from Chinese cuisine but still. Very Filipino in its own way. Always see it in parties. I LOVE IT.3) Adobo - The #1 Filipino dish, probs. I think there’s no “XXX tastes Filipino Food” video out there that doesn’t include this. Every household has its own take on it—white or brown, sweet or salty, soupy or not. I LOVE IT A LOT. Brown, sweet, and soupy, please.

For desserts, I fuckin love leche flan, ube (purple yam) and pichi-pichi.

5. favourite song in your native language? I fucking love “Ang Huling El Bimbo” (The Last El Bimbo) by Eraserheads and “Beer” by Itchyworms. They’re my go-to karaoke songs, and are very much #hugot—which is the word we use for when we “pull out all them feels”, normally related to heartbrokenness. I’m not particularly heartbroken atm, but these songs are just so good.Lately, I’ve been hearing the song “Tagu-taguan” (Hide and Seek) by Bita and the Botflies. I hear it on the radio. I love it coz it gives me such Shiina Ringo vibes.

6. most hated song in your native language? probably that fuckin moshi moshi ano ne song. it makes fun of those japanese words :/ and any song by william revillame (an asshole gameshow host) or used in Eat Bulaga. hayyyyy :/

7. three words from your native language that you like the most?1) takipsilim - deep word for ‘sunset’2) bukang liwayway - deep word for ‘sunrise’3) ulap - lit. ‘cloud’bonus: nakakapagpabagabag - lit. ‘worrisome’ bec it felt like a tongue twister when i was younger. hahahabonus2: maharlika - lit. ‘nobility’ just bec it sounds cool hahaha

8. do you get confused with other nationalities? if so, which ones and by whom? strangely, though I am Filipino, I get mistaken (by fellow Filipinos) to either be Chinese, Korean or Japanese. I guess it’s in the way I dress?

9. which of your neighbouring countries would you like to visit most/know best? I know Japan best. For sure. Haahaha. I have no other nearby country that I want to travel to.

10. most enjoyable swear word in your native language? ‘pakshet’, which is just ‘fuck shit’ but said tagalog-like? XD

11. favourite native writer/poet? I’m sadly not well-versed in our native prose. See, it’s hard for me to understand my own language sometimes. :’( But I hear Ricky Lee is very good.

12. what do you think about English translations of your favourite native prose/poem? Hmm, strange. I haven’t heard of any English translations of our books, actually???? I think it’d be really cool if there were! But I guess Filipino prose/poetry isn’t popular enough to be translated. XD

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders? I think we have a lot. Like, removing the ring on someone’s finger when you weren’t the one that put it on them means you’ll get in a fight with them. (Personally, I extend it to bracelets. LOL) Or, we can’t take a shower after 3pm on Good Friday bec blood will come out instead of water. xD

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV? No. It has very shallow comedy, or really awful flat storylines. We have really good quality films, but sadly those aren’t the ones that catch attention here. :/

15. a saying, joke, or hermetic meme that only people from your country will get? “susmaryosep”, i guess? (Jesus Mary Joseph) Is that considered a saying? Somehow my first thought was: “bababa ba?” (are we going down?) HAHAHA that cracks me up every time it’s used in the elevator when foreigners are around. They get this look like, “… did they really just understand each other?”

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with? I HATE that people assume when we go to other countries it’s either to be prostitutes, caretakers or maids. :/ What do I somewhat agree with……… that we’re cheerful people.

17. are you interested in your country’s history? yes, but idk where to start. I wish I’d listened more carefully back when I was still in high school or college.

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language? No TWT I want to speak Kapampangan, which my sisters and my dad speak. By the time I was born, we already moved to the city, so, I didnt have the chance to learn it.

19. do you like your country’s flag and/or emblem? what about the national anthem? The flag, yes. The Anthem, tho there are parts that are iffy, yes.

20. which sport is The Sport in your country? Pacquiao’s boxing. specifically Pacquiao’s boxing. -_- I HATE IT. I wish we had more baseball. I’m glad we’ve been getting more into volleybal in the recent years.

21. if you could send two things from your country into space, what would they be? A Filipino treat, like Napoleones or bibingka or ube. And, an abaca fan.

22. what makes you proud about your country? what makes you ashamed? I’m proud of our beaches. They’re seriously so B E A U T I F U L— go north or south. I’m also proud of the Filipino hospitality, although I for one am not so amazing at that bec of my introvert-ness. LOLI’m ashamed of a whole lot of aspects, sadly. Like how a lot are poor, yet we have a fuckton of malls. The government is shit. (Always has been since I can remember.) Many Filipinos are racist, sexist, homophobic bastards that focus on physical wayyy too much. It’s awful. Just. AWFUL.

23. which alcoholic beverage is the favoured one in your country? San Mig or Red Horse beer, I think. I don’t like those tho.

24. what other nation is joked about most often in your country? Every other nation aside from ours, I think. :/ If there’s one that sticks out more than others, maybe China.

25. would you like to come from another place, be born in another country? YES. I’D ANSWER YES IN A HEARTBEAT. HAHAHA I’d so love to be born Japanese instead. Their values really resonate with mine. Sometimes my mom, my bosses and my friends say that I’m a Japanese spirit lost in a Filipino body.

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal? We get portrayed as the shitty English speaker who’s a maid.  I can fuckin speak in an awesome accent, thanks v much. In Japan we’re portrayed as hostesses in a bar and it really disheartens me. I don’t like it at all, but what can we do? sighs

27. favourite national celebrity? uhhhhh She’s not my “favorite” bec I’m not into local showbiz, but I really love seeing Liza Soberano. She’s so pretty (/o\)

28. does your country have a lot of lakes, mountains, rivers? do you have favourites? YES! I guess my favorite would be Taal Lake, since it’s the one I get to see the most. It’s got a volcano in the middle of the lake!!

29. does your region/city have a beef with another place in your country? uhhh I dont think so

30. do you have people of different nationalities in your family? well, technically my family’s a mix of a whole lot of races: Chinese, Spanish, Japanese. Idk if I have American blood, otherwise I’d have the blood of all our conquerors in my system? XDD

Thanks again for asking!!

[childofthrenody]

January 7th, 2020.

8:09pm

Dear Dera,

I’m stuck in my head. 

I feel like there is so much pressure in my chest. Right in the center, and it is just there, all the time now. It’s a lot. I mean, it was a lot in middle school, and the beginning of freshman year. But, idk, it just feels like it’s all *really* fucking hitting me. All the revelations from dad, all the mess of college--applications, acceptances, denials, moving--combined with all the screaming and drinking and fighting and classes and events and this and that and whateverthehell. It’s so much. I feel like I’ve taken a thousand steps backward and I’m going to fall asleep one night and just wake up, back in middle school, back writing these letters and pouring my head and heart out and reading tumblr--making everything worse without knowing it yet--and not knowing what is going to hit me senior year. It should be terrifying, but it’s not nearly as bad as all of this right now. I won’t let myself talk to you anymore, or really anyone, actually. I feel like I let so much out in the past years that I can’t do that to anyone anymore, I can’t let anyone see that shit, have that shit. 

Except, for some reason, except for one of my teachers. You know who I’m talking about. It’s the internet, so I won’t name names, but. God, Dera, honestly, I’ve never met anyone who is more trustworthy. Kind. Caring. Compassionate. I still remember this moment. The important parts of it, at least. I walked into his room, I think. For class or commons or whatever. Probably commons. And, like always, he asked how I am. Calling me by name and everything. And, I was like, eh, I’ve been better, or something like that. And he was like “oh?” or “what’s up?” or something like that, y’know? but more how he would say it, if it makes sense. But- his eyes. It was his eyes. God, Dera Hope, they held so much compassion. So much trust I saw there. I guess eventually I’ll forget that look- but I just remember looking at him and just knowing I could trust him. So much compassion, like he really really really did/does care. I don’t really trust easily anymore, but I feel like he is one of those people you only meet a few times, or maybe only once, in a lifetime. He knows everything. And, I can just t e l l that he cares. And for that I am forever grateful, as Hazel Grace would say.

But, I didn’t come back to this old ass account to write about that. I came back because he suggested to let it all out by writing. Because he does that. Writing or something of the sort. Tbh, it’s kinda sad that I can’t really write on paper without constantly being worried about someone finding it, but the internet is the better option? isn’t the internet supposed to be more connected? Idek. Whatever. Anyway, well, here I am. This is supposed to be to mom. Well. Well, here goes, I guess. 

Mom. What the FUCK. “Can you even hear me? Sometimes I wonder.” That’s a lyric I just heard. I know everything I fucking say goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe, if I’m lucky, you’ll hear it enough to TEXT ME a half assed apology that never comes through.

God, I’m not even really mad. Abs said it was more ‘exhausted’. Which I think is accurate. I’m just...sad. Numb. Hurt. Exhausted. Just, hit with all this shit and I don’t know what to do with it. The sad part is, I don’t even know if I want the drinking and screaming and shit to stop anymore. At least I know it’s coming, rather than guessing. All I want to do is get out. you keep doing the “you hate me, don’t you?” thing, followed by, “well, you’ll come back and love me again in your 20′s,” thing. Fuck that shit. God, I don’t hate you. Obviously I love you. But, god, you make me sad. Really sad. So hurt. Every time I’m around you it just hurts me. And I just, need to get out. To leave. Dad’s yelling and anger issues and shit around the little things is bad too, but somehow throwing salad at me in the middle of a restaurant and passing out drunk 1-2hours after arriving at christmas eve is a *little* worse to me. Just a thought!!! Sigh. It hurts to even go home, y’know? Today at school was even bad. As I told him, I just wanted to scream at everyone. To snap at everyone. I’m completely off my game. And midterms are coming. I”m so off, and I don’t know what to do. I’m talking it out, I’m writing right now. God, I did an english assignment today and I overthought it and it was so shitty. And my in-class midterm essay was so shitty. The only thing that might come out okay is my art still-life. But the written portion is tomorrow and I won’t be able to do it and jesus I just want to cry cry cry cry cry cry cry. CRY. I was so angry today, right? and I wanted to snap at everyone. Anything anyone did, I wanted to fucking SCREAM. Then, then, I talked it out a bit, and I was still so angry, but, but now I just wanted to cry. God, I wanted to cry. And I did. In the car on the way home, I was driving and something small happened or something and I just started sobbing. Not that much, but this sudden horrible thing just ripped out of me. Like I was holding it in all day. I remember wanting to cry sometime in the middle of some class, maybe english idk it seems like it could’ve been, and not being able to. Obviously. Fine, whatever, but that shit NEVER happens in school! that’s middle school level emotional crap! Jesus Christ! Sorry to take His name in vain, but I think He sees what I mean. How far back I’m going. I only random start crying at home when I just need a sob, or around you, mom, when I turn a corner and just need to let my real feelings surface for a second before the mask goes back on to trying not to piss you off. 

God, I try so hard not to piss you off. To be the perfect kid. To stop the little things. I thought I had it together, that I’d realized that I will never be perfectly enough for you. I will never, at least here and now, stop pissing you off and doing the wrong things. Like, yeah, that’s okay. But, god, it’s all going back. I’m stuttering more again. So badly. And of course you hate that! God forbid something different is okay, right? And my thoughts. My thoughts are getting so bad, with my mentality. I have midterms!!!! I have applications, and MAKING IT THROUGH THE YEAR! This isn’t the same as middle school, where I could coast more and it was okay because it didn’t really matter as much, if I remember right. God, I want to go away. So far away. Yes, from you. Okay? Yeah, I said it. I guess dad too, to really see a new place. And I don’t want to come back for holidays and breaks. I know I will have to, at least for some of them. But, ugh. SH asked me today something like, “if you could leave right now and just go to college, would you?” and I was like, 100% yes. Idk 100%, because the whole high school experience and everything, but, god, I want to get away. Half the year is already gone. I want to experience senior year, truly, but I also want prom to come, and graduation, and to have all my acceptances, and the supposedly legendary senior retreat, and all that shit! And to read the letter I wrote sophomore year that’s to my senior self that I’m supposed to forget exists or what it says or whatever. I didn’t, really. Oh well, I guess. I did try.

I think, most of all, I don’t want to lose him. Talking to him. I’ve only known him for like, 4ish months, even though I met him sortof freshman year amist charlie and greg, lol. I remember looking up at him between these two giant seniors and they introduced me and i felt so small and he looked so tall lol, and he was like “hi, I’m [name], I’ll see you senior year!” or “..in a few/four years!” or something like that. Idk, I think expressing it comes across as weird. I want to clarify, I’m NOT like a weird and creepy kid who’s like in love or even anywhere close to that at all. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT, please know that!!!! I’m not even NEAR the same time-zone as that notion. I’m like 5 times zones away from that. But, I just want to keep in touch with someone who really cares, like magistra or mrs c, and stuff. That’s it. Just one of those people it feels like you really want to keep in touch with. Like, I feel like I could visit my high school years from now and he would be totally welcoming. I saw it with past students who visited while I was there. Some a year or two out, some more. He offered to go for coffee with one! Totally rad, chill, normal adult things, y’know? Someone you know, and remember, and could probably invite to like your wedding or something. Idk. Not that I want to get married, but that’s the idea.

Please don’t think of it the wrong way- hence why I’ve never voiced it. I guess it’s the gender thing? Idk. But, all in all, I want to get out, momma. I”m so done with this shit. So done. And it isn’t helping me mentally, physically, or emotionally. I have to exercise ig. Lol. Sigh. You’ve also told me that. I get it, but it hurts. Also, stop fucking touching me. It’s not sexual, but god, leave me the fuck alone! I don’t like being touched! It doesn’t mean i was abused when I was younger or some shit, just leave me alone! Cut out all the“But you’re my kid!’ bullshit, god. I’m not the fucking dog. Sigh.

I’m really sad. I’m really hurt.

Exhausted, as Abs said. Definitely, without-a-doubt, one-hundred-percent exhausted.

Forever Yours,

Camber.

[killjoytoxicberry]

In yet another tag, this time by your friendly internet avian @dead-nightingale I answer a hella ton of questions that I’m not going to tag a whole 25 people in because I don’t know that many people, the people I would normally tag have been tagged already, and I think alot of people don’t like these! Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST…

1. Drink: apple juice

2. Phone call: my dad

3. Text message: my friend Ian

4. Song you listened to: Castle On The Hill (I could have sworn the lyrics where ‘cars along the hill’ not ‘castle on the hill’)

5. Time you cried: I teared up in the car earlier does that count

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: nope

7. Been cheated on: thankfully no

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: never been kissed

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: I mean, I’ve never been medically diagnosed but sometimes I really wonder but if you mean have I ever felt then yeah I would say so

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no and I hope I will never

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. Blue(s)

13. Green(s)

14. Black and White

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: probably not? I mean I’ve talked to people and been friendly but I don't know if it would classify as friendship?

16. Fallen out of love:  probably, with fictional characters/shows.

17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah definitely, it’s the best feeling late at night on the internet when you should be asleep but you get a feeling of summer freedom where you can do whatever you want and god its such a nice feeling.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don’t think so, its definitely happened but I haven’t found out about it.

19. Met someone who changed you: We haven’t met within a year but we’re gotten to know each other better and then yeah.

20. Found out who your true friends are: No, I don’t think that’ll ever be clear

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I do not do the facebook

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: see 21.

23. Do you have any pets: my mom’s fish just dies, so no.

24. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes, but I think I’ll be fine as long as nicknames exist.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Not sure, I think my parents just forced me out of the house and took me to my favorite sushi place and then the mall (didn’t get anything though, just went into shops) and then I helped make my birthday dinner which we ate along with my cake that I made the night before (I’ve made it a tradition to make myself a cheesecake for my cake since middle school I think)

26. What time did you wake up: surprisingly early today, 8 AM. I was on a couch mattress at my nana’s and it wasn’t that comfortable.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: playing mysme and reading http://archiveofourown.org/works/592629/chapters/1066944

28. Name something you cannot wait for: the moment in life when I feel actual motivation to do something

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago when I was being scolded about math grades that just came in

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my personality? I feel like another person would deal with life in a better way than I’ve been probably.

31. What are you listening to right now: On The Spot #100 again because Jon Risinger.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Riddle, yes, but it was very one sided. (actually we went to get subs yesterday and there was a lovely old man named Tom who was chatting my brother up while my mom was looking for chips. We wanted to get chicken tender subs but they were out so we god cold cut and he rang it up as the sandwich that was on sale at the time because we waited to see if they other employee was going to get the chicken but she just slowly continued working on whole fired chicken)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The fact that no employer will hire me

34. Most visited website: Youtube or AO3

35. Elementary: My dear Watson? Idk I moved halfway through second grade and spent half a year at one school before switching to a better one only a few minuted farther away.

36. High School: currently in, starting senior year in the fall. I go to a different one than my siblings because mine has a culinary academy.

37. College/university: No idea what to do with this, will burn that bridge when we come to it.

38. Hair colour: brown

39. Long or short hair: medium atm but am planning to get it cut soon hopefully.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: fictional, yeah.

41. What do you like about yourself: hair, physically, and my cosplay ability I like to take pride in.

42. Piercings: one in each ear, but they’re rarely used anymore

43. Blood type: Idk but I want to find out

44. Nickname: Several but I haven't been around any of my friends who use them in a while so I cant think of any

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac sign: Leo

47. Pronouns: she/her, cis

48. Favourite TV show: atla, they still show it, so it counts.

49. Tattoos: none, but plan to, if i can ever decide on anything

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: none that I know of

52. Piercing: ears when I was so young

54. Sport: basketball, but only because my mom wanted me to be active.

55. Vacation: too young idk, but I remember visiting family in Maryland in the winter and there was snow any I tried to eat ice with dirt on it but my dad told me not to but I licked it when he wasn’t looking.

56. Pair of trainers: no idea

57. Eating: how are we supposed to remember any of this?

58. Drinking: My mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but only a tiny sip and I don’t remember what it tastes like.

59. I’m about to: go to bed probably

60. Listening to: OTS ended so now, ‘Lost in Thoughts All Alone’ Amalee English ver. on loop.

61. Waiting for: a will to live  motivation

62. Want: love, platonic or romantic idc just somthing special and comforting with another human being. I f not that then at least a cat that loves me.

63. Get married: maybe, it seems like a bit of a hassle? But I heard there are benefits, so if we need those, or if my partner wants to.

64. Career: none currently, and too indecisive to have a clear idea of what I want.

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: I feel like I’d be too nervous to try kisses until I’m really comfortable, but I absolutely love hugs ok like a lot

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller, I like being a bit shorter

68. Older or younger: I used to only think same age was an option but I don’t have a preference.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice stomach, I feel like I’d like to lay down together and use it as a pillow

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: I would be ok with a hook up, but I want a relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker, I feel like I’m too hesitant. I need someone to be able to drag me out to do things without making me hate them.

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: nope

75. Drank hard liquor?: does the lemonade sip count

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: I have neither but my brothers have

77. Turned someone down: I kind of didn't give an actual answer until I felt bad enough to say yes but I ended it soon after.

78. Sex on first date: nonononono I don’t think anything I have will turn out like that anyway thankfully but no

79. Broken someone’s heart: I broke up with someone, but I’m almost certain he only asked me out because he wanted to annoy my brother and he just wanted a girlfriend and he was too chill about it so no.

80. Had your heart broken: I have never approached someone are you kidding me, conceal don’t feel don’t let it show

81. Been arrested: yeah no

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: I keep wondering if I have but then I think “why do you always do this you are friends and reading too much into this”

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: people actually do that?

85. Miracles: I use the phrase but I don’t believe in anything “divine’ so no

86. Love at first sight: I don’t think you can truly fall in love with someone if you don’t know them...

87. Santa Claus: yes

88. Kiss on the first date: on the cheek for goodbye

89. Angels: not in reality, but I love reading about them

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: Aly

91. Eye colour: brown

92. Favourite movie: 2003 live action Peter Pan

I lied I’m gonna tag three people ok fight me

@neofox0 @paytonbriauna @littlebitofanutcase

[eluu-chan]

All of them :3

dude…..SURE

ive missed out the one’s I’ve answered already

200: My crush’s name is: Dia Kurosawa

199: I was born in: 2003

197: My cellphone company is: Virgin Media

196: My eye color is: kinda a blue/green colour

195: My shoe size is: 4

194: My ring size is: uh idk

193: My height is: 5″2

192: I am allergic to: Nuts

191: My 1st car was: N/A

190: My 1st job was: N/A

188: My bed is: beautiful

187: My pet: is adorable I love her

186: My best friend: I dont like choosing a single best friend tho, like I love all of you…

185: My favorite shampoo is:  Tea Tree Head and Shoulders (Mint)

184: Xbox or ps3: I have an Xbox but I really want a ps3/

183: Piggy banks are: cool, I have like 5

182: In my pockets: uh, sweet wrappers, a tissue, and my tablet pen

181: On my calendar: ‘DO NOT FORGET ANIMATION ASSIGNMENT: APRIL 21ST”

180: Marriage is: cool :0

179: Spongebob can: uh

178: My mom: is gr8

177: The last three songs I bought were? I don’t buy songs cuz I’m poor, but the last 3 songs I downloaded were: Jingo Jungle (Sago of Tanya the Evil OP), Snow Halation, and To Be Free by Tonight Alive

175: How many cousins do you have? 7

174: Do you have any siblings? Ye

173: Are your parents divorced? Nope, but they aren’t married either soo

172: Are you taller than your mom? Almost!

171: Do you play an instrument? Nope

[ I Believe In ]

168: Luck: yes good

167: Fate: uhm idk, pretty sure it wasn’t fate for me to fall in a river

164: Heaven: I’d like to think there’s a place where people can party when they die

163: Hell: Satanism is fun so sure

162: God: idk tbh

161: Horoscopes: Sure :)

158: Gay Marriage: LOVE IS LOVE

157: War: WAR IS BAD

156: Orbs: ???

155: Magic: Pls let magic be real

[ This or That ]

153: Drunk or High: i aM 14

152: Phone or Online: Online

151: Red heads or Black haired: BOTH IS BEAUTIFUL

150: Blondes or Brunettes: BOTH IS BEAUTIFUL

149: Hot or cold: Cold

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges!! (But i do prefer apple juice over orange juice)

142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds ofc

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk chocolate

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip Flops

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and rich because then i can support loads of good charities and feed my weeb addiction

137: Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136: Hillary or Obama: Obama

135: Burried or cremated: Buried

134: Singing or Dancing: bothe are awesome, but probably singing

133: Coach or Chanel: ???

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:???

131: Small town or Big city: Small town

130: Wal-Mart or Target: uh, whats the English equivalent?? Asda??? Lidl???

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: uh idk tbh

128: Manicure or Pedicure: uh I’ve never had either so

127: East Coast or West Coast: again i am English so

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas!! Birthday means i get older and gain more responsibility

124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: ??

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: BAD

121: George Bush: its temping to make a joke but i’ll resist

120: Gay Marriage: YES GOOD LOVE IS LOVE

119: The presidential election: orange man is bad

118: Abortion: ITS UR BODY YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT

117: MySpace: every 90′s kids emo phase

116: Reality TV: hmm, can be good

115: Parents: some parents are shitty, others are good

114: Back stabbers: pls do not do that to me because i will cry

113: Ebay: i use it to get cheap anime merch yes good

112: Facebook: i would destroy facebook for a single crisp

111: Work: RESPONSIBILITY AAAAA

110: My Neighbors: lol idek who they are

109: Gas Prices: from what I know, they’re pretty bad

108: Designer Clothes: if you can afford them, then yes good

107: College: Better than high school

106: Sports: n o p e

105: My family: eh, alright i guess

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: TWO WEEKS AGO SOMEONE HUG ME

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: today!!

100: Cried in front of someone: 13th March

99: Went to a movie theater: oh boi, probably last year sometime

98: Took a vacation: this time last year

97: Swam in a pool: this time last year

96: Changed a diaper: not since my cousins were little

95: Got my nails done: I’ve never had them done

94: Went to a wedding: when i was 8

93: Broke a bone: I’ve never broken a bone

92: Got a peircing: I don’t have any aaa

91: Broke the law: I don’t think I’ve ever broken the law?

90: Texted: hmm a day ago

[ MISC ]

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bedroom aaa

87: The last movie I saw: original Ghost in the Shell

85: The thing im not looking forward to: i’d rather not say what it is but It’s tomorrow

84: People call me: weeb. mother, elu, eli

83: The most difficult thing to do is: social interaction

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

81: My zodiac sign is: Capricorn

80: The first person i talked to today was: my buddy Ilona

79: First time you had a crush: when i saw Rize from Tokyo Ghoul

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: idk, i hide lots of things from everyone tbh

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: hmm not long ago

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be cool

74: I have/will get a job: Yea i need money to live

73: Tomorrow: is gonna be bad

72: Today: was great :0

71: Next Summer: ew heatwaves please no

70: Next Weekend: i will sleep for most of it

68: The worst sound in the world: someone screaming in pain

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: uh, my OTP

66: People that make you happy: ALL MY MUTUALS AND FOLLOWERS

65: Last time I cried: heh, like a few days ago when i was discussing some particularly sad headcanons

63: My computer is: kinda good i suppose

62: My School: is shit

61: My Car: i dont have one (yet)

60: I lose all respect for people who: at extremely homophobic, racist, or sexist

59: The movie I cried at was: i cry at everything

58: Your hair color is: a weird light auburn colour

57: TV shows you watch: a bunch of anime, oo and i watch the download festival coverage each year, and if my mum is watching some drama or soap i’ll probably watch for angst ideas

56: Favorite web site: I’m on it right now

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: umm not sure…

53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t like steak aaa

52: My room is: my safe place

51: My favorite celebrity is: this is no secret to anyone who knows me irl, it’s the beautiful Ash Costello

50: Where would you like to be: in bed

49: Do you want children: maybe, adopting would be cool

48: Ever been in love: nope

47: Who’s your best friend: ALL MY MUTUALS

46: More guy friends or girl friends: more girl friends

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: hmm idk, i’m pretty antisocial tho so

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: ha no

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nope

41: Have you pre-named your children: no

40: Last person I got mad at: my sister

39: I would like to move to: anywhere not in a large city

38: I wish I was a professional: Tattooist

[ My Favorites ]

36: Vehicle: i want a motorbike aa

35: President: Obama

34: State visited: I’ve never been to america

33: Cellphone provider: okay but who actually has an opinion on this??

32: Athlete: Simone Biles

31: Actor: Daniel Radcliffe

30: Actress: Helana Bonham Carter

29: Singer: ASH COSTELLO

28: Band: BABYMETAL, All Time Low, Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance

27: Clothing store: Primark

26: Grocery store: uh idk, Asda i guess

25: TV show: American Horror Story??

24: Movie: the Blair Witch Project

23: Website: I’m on it rn

22: Animal: Chinchillas and Red Pandas

21: Theme park: aa i’m too scared to go on rollercoasters tho so i dont have a fav

20: Holiday: That time we went away for a weeks with literally everyone in my family

19: Sport to watch: Football

18: Sport to play: i guess volleyball is okay

17: Magazine: Kerrang is gud

16: Book: Lord of the Rings

15: Day of the week: saturday

14: Beach: there are like 30 beaches around her how do you expect me to choose

13: Concert attended: AVENGED SEVENFOLD WITH DISTURBED AND IN FLAMES

12: Thing to cook: curry aaa

10: Restaurant: hmm maybe Frankie and Bennies

9: Radio station: Kerrang ofc

8: Yankee candle scent: COTTON

7: Perfume: pure poison

4: Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres

3: Comedian: hmm not sure tbh

okay I’m actually physically dead now

[starcourtscream]

92 TRUTHS TAG GAME

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by @vanishcd​ ily

TAGGING: @facetiious @betrayedveins @thewailingariel @ofsollicitudo @sovrumana @chacskilled @voidworn @fxxtballsajoke @yourwxr @imworthfivedollars & anyone else who wants to !!!

LAST… [1] drink: water [2] phone call: mom [3] text message: “ready” @ mom [4] song you listened to: heart --- these dreams [5] time you cried: i don’t remember tbh

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: no [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: let’s not go there [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: yeah  [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] pastel orchid [13] muted mauve [14] sea green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yes [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: lmao yeah [19] met someone who changed you: no [20] found out who your true friends are: yes [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: no

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them, family & high school classmates [23] do you have any pets: no but i want a kitty [24] do you want to change your name: no i like mine [25] what did you do for your last birthday: went out to dinner with my parents and had cake [26] what time did you wake up: 6:40-ish i like getting up early and watching the sun rise [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: reading transfer of power by vince flynn [28] name something you cannot wait for: moving out of my parents’ house and being able to live like a normal person [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: this morning [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: living with problematic parents [31] what are you listening to right now: birds chirping in the backyard [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: uhhh idk [33] something that is getting on your nerves: lack of equality, fake feminism, my coworkers [34] most visited website: tumblr/twitter [35] elementary: was a blast tbh. iconic. i got a year-long detention for talking in class. [36] high school: was a nightmare, would redo if possible [37] college: SUCKS [38] hair colour: caramel brown [39] long or short hair: long [40] do you have a crush on someone: uh just actors & fictional characters tbh [41] what do you like about yourself?: my fashion sense and aesthetic, writing skills, ability to empathize [42] piercings: none but i wish i could have earrings but i’m allergic to metal

[43] blood type: idk [44] nickname: ...steph? [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: leo  [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: teen wolf, stranger things [49] tattoos: none, but i want a full moon (in pretty white glow in the dark ink) or a pomegranate or an orchid [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: cosmetic thing on my leg at 15 [52] piercing: ears at 5 [53] best friend: never had one irl because i’m super shy when it comes to socializing but online? honestly everyone because i adore you all so much and my mutuals mean so much to me so surprise you’re all my best friends  [55] vacation: san diego, i miss it so much [56] pair of trainers: i don’t wear those, i wear heels or sandals

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water [59] i’m about to: do some laundry [60] listening to: the songs stuck in my head [61] waiting for: sunday bc i don’t have to work or go to school and i can chill [62] want: freedom [63] get married: lmao in my dreams but also no?? [64] career: my mom wouldn’t let me act or model even though that’s my #1 dream but probably librarian, english teacher, botanist, journalist, photographer? i need to focus on passing this stupid statistics class first which will be a very difficult quest tbh

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: both?? [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: both? [71] sensitive or loud: both [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: ...both ;)

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? ....no [75] drank hard liquor? yes [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? no [77] turned someone down: yes [78] sex on first date?: lol no [79] broken someone’s heart?: uh probably [80] had your own heart broken?: yes [81] been arrested?: no [82] cried when someone died?: allison argent [83] fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? sometimes [85] miracles? yes [86] love at first sight? maybe [87] santa claus? nope [88] kiss on the first date? i wouldn’t just bc i’m hella cautious and like to take things slow [89] angels? yes

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: i have a lot on the internet lmao [91] eye colour: mine? kind of olive-ish with amber undertones [92] favourite movie: the blue lagoon, hocus pocus and anything ft. dylan o’brien

[meru-chanx3]

92 TRUHTS the rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag! (or just tag your pals or idk) Tagged by @anonymousletter thankie again Mari~

LAST [1] drink: A&W the only “beer” i’ll chug [2] phone call: my mom [3] text message:  friendos [4] song you listened to: Shin sekai by Hello Sleepwalkers [5] time you cried: thinking up sad oc aus why do i do this to them why do i do this to mysel f HAVE YOU EVER [6] dated someone twice: never dated anyone :’) [7] been cheated on: never dated anyone :’’) [8] kissed someone and regretted it: never dated anyone :’’’) [9] lost someone special: yep.. [10] been depressed: yepperooni;; [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nope and never will LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] shades of purples [13] oranges [14] blues IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU [15] made new friends: yep!! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: ye [18] found out someone was talking about you: no but i worry about that a lot [19] met someone who changed you: my friends<3 [20] found out who your true friends are: I’ve always known [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: what kind of question is this GENERAL [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: everyone? I only really talk to a small handful though. Why do I still have people I barely knew from jr high and high school on there I ask myself that all the time [23] do you have any pets: used to ;-; [24] do you want to change your name: kind of. Marielle’s great and all cuz it’s a combo of my parents’ names, but I get really fed up with people misspelling and mispronouncing it aa [25] what did you do for your last birthday: bday’s coming up Weds but I had an early joint party today with a bud and we all just chilled and watched anime and sucked at rock band 4 together [26] what time did you wake up: 6am on weekdays and 9am on weekends [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: binge watching konosuba my dude kazuma’s the savior of the fantasy genre [28] name something you cannot wait for: WHEN WILL KOE NO KATACHI BE TRANSLATED HOYL HELL [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: an hour ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I want to say going to a different college cuz it sucks being required to minor biblical studies at a private uni when I could’ve minored in something acTUALLY USEFUL TO ME; but I’ve met some good people [31] what are you listening to right now: Chikyuu ni Hari by nano.ripe [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: maybe? why is this a question?? did a tom make this tag questionnaire thing??? [33] something that is getting on your nerves: stubborn, egotistical people who can’t accept that others have different opinions [34] most visited website: tumblr, youtube, facebook [35] elementary: Orangethorpe [36] high school: SHHS [37] college: HIU [38] hair color: black [39] long or short hair: in the middle? a little past the shoulders [40] do you have a crush on someone: yeah and it sucks [41] what do you like about yourself?: I’m creative. And diligent. To some degree. I try my best to be a kind person and good friend. [42] piercings: no [43] blood type: A I thiiinkk [44] nickname: Mel [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: reeses pisces   [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: currently konosuba and kobayashi no maid dragon [49] tattoos: naw [50] right or left handed: leftyy [51] surgery: no [52] piercing: man this questionnaire writer sure was persistent about piercings [53] best friend: @cereusboss ilyyyyysmmmm _(:3 」∠)_ [54] sport: allergic to sports. Sports anime, now that’s a different thing [55] vacation: I’ve been to the Philippines when I was like four, so I can barely remember anything. I know we went for my cousin’s wedding and my lola’s funeral. And I remember a cousin from there slapped me because he couldn’t understand my English; He was a little kiddo too though and after he moved here to America for college a few years ago, we became cool. [56] pair of trainers: what does this question mean? shoes? I usually wear this black and pink pair of airwalks? RIGHT NOW [57] eating: cold pizza I took home from the party lol [58] drinking: water all that soda just made me thirstier; [59] i’m about to: draw my pal’s ocs I’ve put them off for way too long whops [60] listening to: wasn’t this a question already?? System by nano.ripe [61] waiting for: this was a question too sheesh tommy I guess summer break [62] want: a job I can be happy with I’m a junior and I still don’t know if I should go to grad school I don’t know what I want to do this is baddd [63] get married: that would be really nice [64] career: broke college student. I have a scholarship and I’m still broke. WHICH IS BETTER [65] hugs or kisses: I’ll take any really pls give me affection [66] lips or eyes: eyes are the windows to the soulll [67] shorter or taller: don’t care. Maybe someone not tooo tall I couldn’t reach them; [68] older or younger: no one over the range of five years [69] romantic or spontaneous: aayyy 69 both [70] nice arms or nice stomach: don’t care [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: relationship of course [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant would be. safe? HAVE YOU EVER [74] kissed a stranger? w h y woudl anyone [75] drank hard liquor? ew [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? thankfully no [77] turned someone down: no one’s ever co nfessed [78] sex on first date? never and wouldn’t [79] broken someone’s heart? I sure hope I haven’t… [80] had your own heart broken? too many times to count [81] been arrested? nope! [82] cried when someone died? of course [83] fallen for a friend: hmmm;; DO YOU BELIEVE IN [84] yourself? I try to [85] miracles? to an extent as well [86] love at first sight? no [87] santa claus? where my drawing tablet at santa [88] kiss on the first date? I’d prefer to wait a little longer. A kiss is something really special [89] angels? yeah OTHER [90] current best friend’s name: she probably doesn’t want me to say her real name, but I call her Ine~ (lil sis in Tagalog) [91] eye colour: brown [92] favourite movie: can’t really think of one atm, but Kimi no na wa’s the one I’ve last seen ovo Tagging (ya’ll don’t need to do it if you don’t wanna): @jstar-drifter, @mahoushoujohunter, @a-quest-for-newts, @asanesana, @red-dyed-sarumane, @eidetic-nerd, @profoundpaperenemy and anyone else who wants to! Just tag me if you want me to see it~ (๑>ᴗ<)و

[unromantically]

alright this is for roger lol  1. Last Beverage // water lmao 2. Last Phone Call // called my grandma to tell her happy birthday bc she’s 92 today!!  3. Last Text Message // a frowny face to roger :( 4. Last Song You Listened to // mumford and sons - the cave 5. Last Time You Cried // I lowkey teared up while reading my book lol

HAVE YOU EVER: 


6. Dated Someone Twice // no 7. Been Cheated On // not that i am aware of :/// 8. Kissed Someone & Regretted It // kinda but not really  9. Lost Someone Special // yeah 10. Been Depressed // yeah, first year of high school 11. Been Drunk and Threw Up // ya I’m a regular uni student

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:
 sky blue, naturey green, any purple (pretty much the same now) 

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU: 
 15. Made a new friend // YAAAAAA <333  16. Fallen out of love // ya unfortunately  17. Laughed until you cried // yeah with my MESS squad when they came over :)  18. Met someone who changed you // yeah pretty much everyone I’ve met  19. Found out who your true friends are // i pretty much already know who they are (still relevant today minus a couple people who I’ve cut out of my life)  20. Found out someone was talking about you // good things yes, but bad things no (hopefully no one is talking shit about me)  21. Kissed anyone you follow/follows you // on ig sure but not tumblr 

GENERAL: 
 22. How many people do you know in real life that you follow/follows you on tumblr // honestly no idea who anyone is on tumblr anymore  24. Do you have any pets // starsky counts (still counts + bears)  25. Do you want to change your name // i mean, mandy is good enough (ya still the same answer) 26. What did you do for your last birthday // sashini planned a “surprise” party at henry’s and we were supposed to go to karaoke but ended up trying to go to the bar but sashini was way too drunk and had to be taken home lol  27. What time did you wake up today // like 7:30 because i’ve been sleeping badly lately 28. What were you doing at midnight last night // reading the first book of rangers apprentice again (which i finished this morning!!) 29. Name something you CANNOT wait for // ok I’m moving to france and pretty stoked about finding a good boxing gym so I can start boxing again!!!  30. Last time you saw your Mother // um like 5 mins ago? (still the same answer) 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life // nothing tbh, i think everything happens for a reason ACTUALLY NO, I WISH I HADN’T HEARD ANY SCARY ASS SHIT BC I HATE HORROR. (LOL STILL RELEVANT. my answer has not changed at all)  32. What are you listening to right now // mumford and sons 33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? // my uncle is named tom (still got an uncle named tom lol) 34. What’s getting on your nerves right now // working as a waitress :’)) 35. Most visited webpage // idk prob like messenger or something but I have a lot of tabs open about teaching english online right now lol  36. Blood type // no idea 37. Nickname // more recent nicknames have been grandma (henry), mandeep (daniel), and mama  38. Relationship Status // it’s always complicated man 39. Zodiac sign // aquarius (honestly still think this is incredibly inaccurate) 40. Pronouns // she/her i guess   41. Elementary // svdp and sjs (i mean it’s not like i went back in time and changed schools lmao) 42. High School // pvi (reference above answer) 43. College // nova + gmu + MCGILL GRAD AYYYYYY 44. Hair color // dark brown (still haven’t dyed my hair yet) 45. Long or short // longer now 46. Height // 4'11 lmao (rip)  47. Do you have a crush on someone? // highkey the guy from bosnia was hot lmao 48. What do you like about yourself? // my personality i guess 50. Tattoos // unfortunately no :( wanted to get a flower in montreal 51. Righty or lefty // righty 52. First Surgery // i don’t think i’ve had one lmao (still relevant) 53. First piercing // whenever i got my ears pierced like 7th grade maybe? (still the same but I wanna get new piercings)  54. First best friend // emily (ya still the same answer, but first best friend in uni would prob be sashini) 55. First sport you joined // ice skating (first sport joined in uni was boxinggggg and then dboat) 56. First vacation // germany? i think? (ya still relevent but again, first vacation in uni was to taiwan) 58. First pair of trainers // is that like shoes or something? (ok in uni it’d be like my timbs that i finally just decided to buy)  RIGHT NOW:


59. Eating // i had salmon and zucchini for dinner 60. Drinking // drank water for dinner lmao 
61. I’m about to // play sims after i send this to roger 62. Listening to // still mumford and sons lmao 
63. Waiting for // aug when i move to france 
64. Want kids? // maybe idk (still relevant)  
65. Get Married? // maybe idk (also still relevant) 66. Career? // i want a flower shop (still the end goal but also still wanna work for the UN or something and go to the peace corps) 



WHICH IS BETTER: 
 67. Lips or eyes //
 eyes 68. Hugs or kisses // i mean depends on who lol  69. Shorter or taller // taller, which isn’t that hard tbh since i’m short (oof) 70. Older or Younger // doesn’t really matter to me tbh depends on maturity  
71. Romantic or spontaneous // i’m pretty spontaneous so prob spontaneous 72. Nice stomach or nice arms // dad bods are cuddly too man 73. Sensitive or loud // i usually like quiet types bc i’m the loud one  
74. Hook-up or relationship // hook ups are dumb (STILL RELEVANT but also like neither lmao jokes on u)  75. Trouble maker or hesitant // hesitant i guess wtf (ok legit still don’t understand) 

HAVE YOU EVER: 
 76. Kissed a stranger // ya lol  77. Drank hard liquor // yeah 78. Lost glasses/contacts // lmao so many times (ok but i’ve been pretty good about it recently) 79. Sex on first date // no (i meant still not really?? was that a first date???)  80. Broke someone’s heart // ya :(  81. Had your own heart broken // depends on what you count as heart broken lmao 82. Been arrested // i’m a good child. (YA STILL AM, but i’ve gotten tickets before)  83. Turned someone down // yeah lmfao 84. Cried when someone died // yeah 85. Fallen for a friend // yeah 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
 86. Yourself // for the most part ya!!  87. Miracles // yeah i hope so  88. Love at first sight // nah, not really.  89. Heaven // yeah 90. Santa Claus // he’s ma main hoe. (still love u santa bb)  91. Kiss on the first date // ya  92. Angels // yeah i’m still a good christian girl

[sunflowerstationary]

Dearest darlingest Ivy,

Finally replying to this, oops.

The new tag is "you are the reason that i'm smiling when there is nothing to smile about", because that line always makes me think of you (lyrics from the Front Bottoms song "Peach") Dw about it being long, it will pop up when you start typing it :L

I haven't typed anything huge and long on tumblr in a while and I guess with the new phone, since it barely ever crashes I got cocky. I forgot this app is just generally shit and not only because my old phone didn't have enough space to run it lol RIP me.

Oh well.

I know it's ok to bomb my first driving test but like... I just... want it to be done with ;_; I really do not want to have to repeat it, if only because it will be hell on my nerves.

Guess I just need to schedule it and then practice my face off until then. SIGH.

I feel for you so much about the kitties. I felt like the worst cat mom in the fucking world not seeing him every day, and now I get to spoil him with treats and bits of my buttery spaghetti and he has a nice fluffy bed to sleep on that's right next to my head in our bed. And re: having nowhere to sit, GOD OMG I KNOW. We don't really have anything to sit on here either. Idk if you noticed when you were in here but there's like no furniture except the two couches that were left here by the last people, and no carpet in any of the rooms.

For a while I was rolling out a yoga mat and just sprawling on that in the computer room while Steve played his game, but now I mostly just grab a blanket to cushion the chair.

The not knowing who's going to be home thing sounds like the story of my life :/ I'm glad I don't have to worry about that anymore, but I'm sorry you do. I wish that you could move out and say fuck it all. Is Kevin working still?

It's nice that there's three of them. Like you said, they can keep each other company... especially Cali and Sandstorm, since they're so close. I'm a little worried that Scrap is lonely here. I mean, he gets lots of attention, but he's used to having other animals around.

Steve has mentioned a few times moving his friend Abdel in with us, and while I like Abdel, I really do not think I can live with him. I'm a lot better than I used to be but I am NOT about living with strangers. That's one of the reasons I had so much trouble deciding where to go to college back when I was planning on it, because I wanted to be as far from home as physically possible but I didn't know how to do it without having to live with some random people in a dorm or something. I like having the freedom to walk around naked, yk? Plus - and maybe this is selfish but - I already have to compete with Steve's games for attention half the time, and I'm needy, and I just. Don't want to have to deal with that.

He's not the date type of guy, he's a hermit, so we spend most of our quality alone time at home. Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

You know, I know you're busy but Duo is pretty relaxed. You can set it so that you only have to practice once daily for five minutes if you really want to, which is probably slow but definitely manageable. I do it on the highest practice setting there is and it's still pretty relaxed, it only takes 25 mins out of my day in 5 min increments.

Ughhhhhh god, homerow giving me war flashbacks to my keyboarding class in 10th grade. Good luck.

That sounds like the way I feel about Olivia... it's bittersweet, isn't it? Like the drama is all over now and you want to make something more out of it, and rebuild and maintain a friendship like you used to have, like you feel the potential still there but it's old and probably not worth it now that you've moved on. But.

You know? I barely think of Liv most of the time but she's still there in the background.

Idk. Maybe we'll get our second chance someday.

Rayzel always struck me as a cool but distant person, yeah. I'm glad you have someone to talk to though. I know I can't always be helpful when it comes to Kevin and I feel bad about that sometimes.

Defaulting to sleep rather than self destructing is my middle name. Seriously, I just conked out for two hours because I was feeling angsty about work and feeling like a failure because I haven't been as productive as I wanted to be this week.

Ffffff, why do they always do that to you? Wait to give you hours until you're back in school full time. The fuck.

Scrappy used to piss on everything, if you remember. He hasn't in years though. Since we fixed him I think. Is it normal for diabetic cats to do that? Or maybe it's because you've got a small herd... Trouble used to pee in my room for seemingly no reason and I always suspected it was a territorial thing.

I don't know how to advise you on the Kevin-monogamy situation, really... I don't know if there's necessarily a good way of going about it. It's very murky. Do you think that you'll marry him? I definitely know what it's like to be super codependent, and I know that's not necessarily a horrible thing... Idk. I mean Elizabeth really didn't like the nonmonogamy thing either, I guess the difference was that since she lived far away she didn't feel like she could tell me no, but if she had lived here I think she would have been more up front about that from the get-go. We never really resolved it. I fall for most people I get close to too, but I guess after everything with Nic and Chris and all that shit, I've just been.. totally exhausted. Like, I've pretty much accepted that I have a limited number of slots in my life in terms of people I can be close to and love properly, and between you and Steve and Elizabeth I'm probably near capacity.

I want you to have the options I did, but I dunno how to make that happen for you. It sounds like the conversation has just gotten tiring for both of you.

If you want to get high, I have weed. Lol. I don't know if I could get more but I definitely have enough to smoke you up and maybe me. The only thing is we'll have to do joints, because I don't have a pipe, but I have rolling papers and determination.

I used to be really uncomfrtable with high people too but I definitely have calmed down since I actually experienced it.

Not that I'm any better, but you shouldn't have to be like... conveniently accessible for people to enjoy your company. You deserve more than that. Don't your coworkers ever ask you about your life??? Maybe physical correspondence would help, yeah. It's a lot easier to be free with your thoughts when you're just writing them all down, although sometimes it's hard to send them afterward.

You're gonna have to remind me again to look up Kate Bush because I'm never going to remember. Sounds vaguely familiar though.

Team projects still give me nightmares and I don't think I've done one in four years D: Ugh, god. More reasons for me to procrastinate on College Stuff.

Did you end up under sharing or over sharing? I feel ur pain.

Man, between you and Elizabeth I'm so damn jealous, you're both taking the best classes... she was just telling me last night that her class was talking about the societal compulsory gendering of children.

Elaborate on "finger thingies".

Abnormal psych sounds like a phenomenal class and I'm double jealous now. Not of all your projects though. The way you describe that teacher reminds me of my English teacher in 9th grade, I can't remember her name but we used to call her Skeletor. Fourteen year olds are mean, in hindsight... she was a really nice lady. A little nervous.

I suppose Ed isn't the worst man in the world, but they don't all have to be raging dickwads like my father to be worth tossing out... I just hope your mom doesn't adjust to the wrong things about him, you know? It's one thing to get used to someone's annoying habits and another entirely to get used to being controlled bit by bit.

My dad is mad at me and I know because he hasn't texted me to coerce me into getting dinner in months. Lol. I think it's because I ditched him for a graduation party I said I'd go to, or maybe my brother has a big mouth and said something about me not wanting to hang out with him (or, also possible, my grandma has a big mouth and she told him that me and Steve aren't super impressed with him as a person... last time I visited her she was telling us about how my dad used to put a picture of my moms face on his punching bag, and we were both like "wow he's a dick" which she for some reason didn't seem to agree with. idk man.)

The cat tree thing sounds really great but I dunno if I feel okay letting you do all that for me for nothing... I would probably want to pay you guys, which might defeat the purpose. Free carpet tho that's so excellent???

TJ seems mostly ok at work. Not that how anyone acts at work is necessarily a good measure of how they're holding up emotionally.

Tell me all about the bondage, omg. I've always wanted to get into it but Elizabeth and I broke up just as we were starting to poke around it.

I'm really sorry about Steve. He's really out of line and I honestly still don't understand why, I've tried to talk to him about it a few times but either he acts like he doesn't mind you or he gets annoyed and doesn't want to talk about it. I dunno if it's a jealousy thing or what. He sometimes acts the same way about Elizabeth, so I'm leaning towards yes. I find myself in a similar situation to you where I don't know if I should keep pushing it or not, like I don't know what I should be tolerating... and sometimes I almost wish that he would tell me not to sleep with other people, because as nice as it is that he's always told me that he wants me to do what makes me happy, I wish he was a bit more jealous. Not in a horrible way, just, like. Idk. I'm committed to being with Just Him right now and I wish he was. I want him to be a tiny bit possessive just as like, reassurance that he wants me and just me, you know?

But I digress. He shouldn't have said that to you. You were just trying to be a good friend to me and protect me. Idk what the fuck is wrong with him sometimes.

It's not your fault, I'm also terrible at communication, especially this past year or two. Things have just fallen apart so much. I think I'm starting to get back on my feet though (fingers crossed). We'll see how it goes. Coming up on my attempt anniversary again and I hope it doesn't make me freak out like t did last year.

I'll post the link separately, I'm afraid to leave the app for two seconds to find it while I'm typing this :')

I love you too! I hope this wasn't a lackluster reply, but it's almost 5am and I need to be up very soon unfortunately, so I'm going to take a nap and hope for the best.

~Tonio