#& then I need to do something to keep myself from spiraling at some point this weekend

[pastadoughie]

i dont know how to say it or what to even do at this point

i am in an abusive housing situation. witch isnt really new info nor something i talk about often. i have learned to deal w/ shit on my own overtime, aswell as my situation getting slightly better with my distancing from certain family members. but its still bad.

my mother & my brother are both extremely abusive, my brother is phisically abusive, and my mother is a pedophile. they are the only other familial ties i have aside from my dad, and they obviously arent viable and would be worse for me.

my dad is my best option in terms of family and the only person i live with currently. when hes drunk he can be actively cruel & abusive, regularly threatening sexual abuse via forfeiting custody of me to my mother. but im still semi able to reason with him while he isnt drunk. most the times hes simply neglectful, witch is preferable to the alternative atleast. & can somewhat be manipulated into caring about me, or at the very least signing & agreeing to things if i do all of the other legwork

i have a disability of some sort, i have alot of theories but overall doctors refuse to properly test me. i smoke so, they just blame every single issue i have on that & dont listen to ANY of my concerns. somewhat similar to pots in terms of symtoms. i just call it "the slop", this sortof sludge that clouds all my thoughts and everything i do. when it gets bad i cant move properly, often knocking things over, completely losing my train of thought. it can be really hard to have conversations with me, i spend alot of time being silent, keep repeating the same simple few words, dont really listen properly. i can sometimes spend hours just staring off into space. it gets better when im laying down, but sometimes not even that helps. it takes a certain kind of determination to get literally anything done. witch is really hard given my lack of any kind of support.

if i am not extremely ontop of things, if i cant force myself to do things through the slop, then i end up getting into these sludge spirals. i dont eat. i dont drink. i just lay in bed. you get so dizzy and your mouth gets so dry, and so hungry, and the slop is just unbarable. not even really existing as a person, sleeping 18 hours a day, sort of halfheartedly & extremely badly trying to do basic tasks, like eating or drinking, and then after 4 hours i just. go back to sleep. its unbarable & dehumanizing. & its not like i have anybody that can help me. i explain this to people and then they always make suggestions on how to manage it that requires another person to help, and then they never listen when i say i do not have anybody.

i need to get some kind of treatment and i need to get some kind of testing, but doing so requires so much work so many phone calls so much effort that i HAVE to do on my own, that i just. dont have the energy for. its not that im intellectually or phisically incapable i just, im just always in slop. its just always a barrier i have to work around. and the fact that just. the entire fucking medical system is so rotten to the core w/ incompetance & malice twards queer and disabled people means that its just.. so hard to get anything done at all for treatment.

and beyond the fact i have to get meds, i also really need to work on moving out. while i dont think my dad would realistically kick me out until im 18, as that would require actually doing paperwork. i dont trust him to be nice to me beyond that point.

and incase i need to say this to some sheltered fuck who does not understand this. no i cannot go to dcs. i have dealt with dcs my entire life. dcs is not an organization made to help people. it never HAS been. any good they do is incedental. they are at their core a government organization that is supposed to sound good. they do not help children. my tharapist submitted a dcs report about my brother trying to kill me back in december, and i had a dcs worker come to my door and start defending pedophilia to me. every single encounter i have had with dcs has eaither done nothing or actively been harmful to me in having a dcs worker actively encorage my families various abusive behavior.

in summery, i need some kind of help figuring out a way to. deal with everything. ideally something that would help me with practical stuff like medical paperwork, scedualling appointments, that stuff. ideally focused on & or primarily targeted to queer autists in the 16 to mid 20s range of ages. and also that is within arizona. most of the stuff ive been reccomending is stuff like housing and independant living programs, witch while helpful what im looking for is primarily medical help & that is centered around more chronic issues & disabilities that like, need more testing & such to be diagnosed, and not really in the vein of teaching me how to do appointments & such, i know how. i just. am not super good at functioning in general.

dont dm me saying "oh im always here if u wanna talk!!" thats weird. i dont know you.

[p0ison-moon]

making life worse for myself rn (meds wore off thirty minutes ago but I’m still trying to get stuff done)

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[heavysighing-dreamyeyes]

Suuuuuup, I've been binging on your writing lately and I completely adore it (sometimes I go back through my likes to re read some of your stuff 💖💖)

So I'm dropping a scenario here.

Reader and Jason Todd have been roommates for quite some time (which means this would be a mutual pinning scenario), sometimes reader patches Jason up and orders some takeout for him. Until one night, Jason was too beaten up after a patrol so reader treated his bruises and scratches before helping him ease his back on his bed while reader sat down beside him. Jason begins with his dose of "you shouldn't be doing this" "I'm not a kid" "I can perfectly hand myself" then Jason starts questioning reader why they care so much about him and worry about him.

Until they reach the point where:

Jason: A prick like me? Yeah, sure.

Reader: Even pricks like you need someone who looks after them.

Jason: Careful, I might start thinking you like me or something if you keep saying things like that.

Reader: Maybe I do like you.

Honest Words

Haha, nonnie, do you even need me? You've got a great fic right there. I feel like I never actually write them getting together, so let me try something. ~ 600 words

'Maybe I do like you. Maybe I do like you.' The words play on loop in Jason's head as he stares at them. The silence goes on for too long and he forces himself to choke out a laugh, "You're joking. Not much to like here."

You tilt your head thoughtfully and hum, curious as you finish cleaning up his wounds, "I dunno, Jason, I see plenty to like."

"Like what?" He asks before he can stop himself. He winces a little, less from the stinging of his wounds and more at how interested he sounds in knowing what exactly you like about him.

"Lots of things," You muse, sitting back on the bed, "I like your eyes."

"My eyes?" He prompts, leaning towards you.

You nod, "They're pretty, and clear. Like you want to be seen. I like that you always let me touch your hair," You reach and brush his hair back to prove your point.

He smiles a little, "I don't think that's any reason to, you know," Jason trails off.

"I like that you're good. Even when you think you're not. You try. You try so hard even when the whole world seems like it's against you. You keep trying. You keep helping people."

His breath hitches at the raw honesty in your voice, the determination and truth in your eyes, "You're– you've never been against me."

You nod, and your gaze leaves him as you start to clean up the gauze and bandages from his bed, "and I won't be. Unless you do something crazy."

He laughs, it almost scares him, how easily you've read him. That you made him laugh even when his throat threatens to tighten and his mind threatens to spiral, "Crazier than what I've already done?"

You nod and grin at him, and it sets his world right, "Crazier than that, much crazier, actually."

He grins right back at you, "I'll keep that in mind for the next time I break the law."

You laugh with him and pat his knee, "Get some rest, Jason. You look like you've been through it tonight."

"I thought you liked how I looked?" He drawls, unable to keep from teasing.

"I do," you say happily, voice fond with affection he's not completely sure how to react to. You stand up, "Now, heal up, ok?"

"Wait," he stops you, grabbing your wrist. He doesn't have a plan, doesn't quite know what he's doing, but he wants you to stay.

"Yeah?" You ask, raising an eyebrow.

He sucks in a breath and guides you closer, slotting your body between his thighs. He looks up at you, the person who's become irreplaceable in his life. He carefully sets his palms over your hips.

"Jason," You breathe out, "You don't owe me anything."

"I know," he says, voice soft but firm, "I want this."

You cup his face with both hands, thumbs tracing his cheek bones as you study his eyes, picking apart the truth of his words, "Would you want me to kiss you?"

Jason leans into your touch and nods, he's not sure what this means for the future, for either of you, but you're being honest. You like him. And he likes you.

His heart is in his throat when you lean down to kiss him.

His eyes slid shut as you press your lips to his. He tilts his head up. It's sweet, loving, it's so completely you, and he gets lost in the feeling, chasing your mouth when you pull away.

"Okay?" You ask softly.

"Yeah," he breathes out, "more than okay."

You smile at him and trace the line of his jaw, "Good, now heal up, Jason."

He smiles back at you, voice light and teasing, "What? Don't wanna kiss me again?"

He smiles even wider when you tell him, on the way out his bedroom door, you can do all that and more once he's better.

[inkskinned]

i'm used to it, and how bad it is, and how often it's so bad that it rings like a bell inside of me, drowning out everything around me. and the truth is that i get frustrated with myself about it - again? we're like this still? again? it's not that i feel weak, precisely. it's just this sense almost like - i've already been pushing against this thing for years now, shouldn't i have gained more ground?

i get frustrated because i'm sick of picking up the loose ends every six months. i get frustrated because it's always this same shit, same problem - i lose myself in a matter of months; spiral out of control, lose touch with friends and loved ones. i stop taking care of myself and therapy gets hard and i let everything around me wilt and shrivel and fall off; start somehow both sleeping too much and not-enough. i panic-attack and cry in my car in a target parking lot, pulling my hair out and hurting my ribs from sobbing so hard - and later, when i'm better, i'm embarrassed because how could i let it get that far?

it feels like - i already have done this so many times. isn't there a way out of it? isn't there a point where i've just... won? that it never happens again, that i just get to be done? maybe this is weakness, i guess - that i still (so often!) succumb.

i am used to it, so i forget exactly how hard it gets. do you even know how many times i've laid in bed, exhausted, blank and numb and listless and said - i can't anymore. i just can't. i'm not even really upset. it's okay. i've been here long enough. so much of my life was beautiful.... i'm just... done.

do you know how many times i woke up and i said - i can't and put my feet on the floor and said i can't, i don't want to and took a shower and walked the dog and bought myself fresh bread and put a nice playlist on and said i really can't, there's no end to this and i went to work and i called a friend and i made myself cookies even if food tasted like ashes and decided that i really should wait for the new album from that artist i love and i thought i can't, it's not worth it and then i washed my hands and cut my hair and drank more water and wrote a poem and signed up for an art class at the local community college and said i can't, i can't, i won't do this again, and i paid my rent and let the dishes rot in the sink but still made myself eat anything fresh even if it meant overdrawing my account on a stupid bag of plums just because they looked delicious and do you know how often i closed my eyes and thought this is it i really fucking can't, something has to give and i have nothing left that it can take and then i went to bed and i got up and i fucking survived anyway

yesterday the local ice cream place opened up for the first time this season and they were giving out tiny samples of their new dairy-free options and i tried a mango sorbet. three months ago i was positive that februrary was going to be my last month on the planet. i am teaching my dog a new trick and i just discovered a new band i love. i got a plant from the clearance aisle and repotted her and she's been perking up. i made salmon for alison and we ate it in her new house with her new beautiful baby girl. my manager told me he keeps recommending my work to others just because i always include a stupid number of puns. tomorrow i'm trying a new dance class. tomorrow i'm maybe going to buy more plums.

i forget, you know? it's not some bone-deep strength or some magical power. it's that some part of me knows - i need to stay. in all of this; out of all of this - i just want to choose love.

[mostlymarvelsstuff]

Not Alone

Authors note: My mental health is currently in the toilet (once again, I'm sorry y'all I'm trying so hard to get my one-shots out and finish up my multi chapter stories) so I wrote this to help myself feel better. Maybe it'll help some of y'all too ❤

Summary: Y/n has been suffering with immense negativity from her mental illnesses. Normally when this she self isolates and waits for it to pass, not a good coping skill surely but it keeps her safe. But this time, unbeknownst to her, Natasha has observed her slight changes and struggles during this period. So when Y/n takes a sudden leave, Nat knows she has to do something to show how much she cares and prove to Y/n that she's not alone.

Warnings: alludes to: anxiety, depression, PTSD, spiraling, suicidal ideation

Word count: 1773

Natasha Masterlist Marvel Masterlist

   It was movie night at the Avengers tower, and much to Natashas dismay you were once again absent. It wasn’t normal for you to miss out on things with the team, either as a whole or one on one hangouts. But for the past few weeks that's exactly what's been happening. It was gradual at first, but as time went on your lack of involvement only grew and your excuses as to why eventually stopped entirely. And while the rest of the team has taken notice of this behavior and is also a bit worried, it's Natasha who is affected most by your absence.

   She had thought that she was just being anxious due to her feelings for you mixed with the sudden distance you were making. But then she realized that was only part of the reason. What really impacted her were the changes she perceived in you. At first it was small things, like you losing focus during a meeting or skipping breakfast. But things had escalated, and far too quickly as far as she was concerned. Your gaze had become distant, your smile failed to be as bright, your laugh lacked its usual luster, you were eating less and sleeping more. But worst of all, you were throwing yourself into whatever mission came along. Even if you weren’t healed up from the last one yet.

   Unfortunately she knew exactly the headspace you were currently in, and she knew it wasn’t a good place for anyone to be. But especially you. It honestly hurt her to watch you suffer as you were, retreating in on yourself instead of seeking help. Or at least seeking her out, you usually confided in her whenever anything was bothering you. But she knew this made her a bit of a hypocrite because back when she was a new SHIELD recruit and struggling like this she certainly wasn’t letting Clint through the walls she built around herself, no matter how hard he tried to be there for her. But to her credit, when she was at her worst, she did reluctantly seek the archer out and let him in. 

   While she wants the same outcome for you, she doesn’t want you to have to hit your lowest point like she had before you reached out and accepted help. So she decides that she needs to act first and approach you. Maybe it's because she knows her friendship with you is closer than her and Clints had been at the time or maybe it's because she's hopeful that you return her feelings and have a bit of a weak spot for her, either way she's almost sure that you’ll be more recipient than she’d been. Which is why she finds herself quietly getting up from the sofa and slipping out of the room just as the movie begins to play. 

   She heads down the hall for the elevator but decides she doesn’t have the patience for it and so she opts for the stairs instead. She gets to your floor and heads straight for your door, where she doesn't hesitate to knock. As expected she receives no answer from you but it doesn’t deter her from knocking again.

   “Y/n, I know you're in there. Don’t make me pick the lock” she says. And it had been an attempt at a joke, but when she still gets no sign of movement from you she decides to do just that

   Your door opens with a familiar squeak that has you shifting in your bed, and your brows furrow as you watch Natasha reclose your door, “Didn’t think you were serious”

   “I’m always serious” she replies, knowing that outward image was far from what she allowed you to see

   “Not with me you aren’t” you grumble, managing to briefly make the corners of her mouth twitch in amusement. 

    But that amusement doesn’t last long as she takes in the state of your room. The blinds are shut with curtains drawn and a blanket has even been hung up over the curtain rod to block out all possible light from entering the space. Your dirty clothes are no longer limited to the hamper in the corner and are instead tossed recklessly about the floor. Your trashcan is shoved full of take out containers, a few dirty dishes are stacked on your nightstand, and the only light source is your dim bedside lamp.

   Her eyes scan over your appearance next and her heart sinks further. Based on your messy hair, dark eye bags, paler than usual complexion and crumpled up blankets she can assume that your prolonged stay in bed hasn’t been a restful one. Your scowl deepens when you notice her looking you over and you subconsciously shift under her gaze.

   “Can I help you with something Natasha, or do you just not get the hint that silence means I’d rather be alone?”

   She sighs and tries not to take your cold demeanor to heart. She knows you're just trying to keep yourself from being vulnerable with her. She decides to test her luck and steps further into the room, and when you don’t say anything about how close she is now she takes a seat on the edge of your bed.

   “I’m worried about you” she admits, her voice barely above a whisper

   “I’m fine” 

   “I know what fine means, Y/n.” she states, her gaze softening as she looks at you again, “And I know you aren’t okay right now”

   “I don’t need to be checked up on Natasha, I’m capable of looking out for myself and I’m telling you that I am okay.” you tell her, but the lie is more difficult to get out to her than you anticipated

   “Don’t do that.” You swallow the lump in your throat and she continues, “Don’t lie to me. Please” 

    “Why do you assume I’m lying?”

   “Other than the fact that I’m a world renown spy you mean? Or the fact that you never shut me out like you've been doing?” She turns towards you more and reaches out for your hand, and though you stiffened at the contact she isn’t deterred, “I know because I’ve been where you are, and I know it's a hell of a road to go down alone.”

    Part of you wants to admit that she's right, to confide in her like you normally would until your walls all come crashing down and you're letting everything out through tears while she wraps you up in her embrace. But the other part of you is still hesitant to be vulnerable, especially with Natasha. Once she saw those darker parts of you, those thoughts and feelings that you wish you didn't have but dealt with in some part daily, you were sure she’d turn away just like everyone else who offered to be there for you. And honestly that was something you knew your heart just couldn’t take. Not with meaning as much to you as she did now.

   “Hey” she gently calls out, likely sensing your inner turmoil, “You don’t have to suffer in silence alone, because you're not alone. I’m right here, and I hate seeing you like this. Please let me in. Even if I can’t help, I can at least be here to support you. Please don't keep shutting me out”

   You aren’t sure if it was the honesty and vulnerability in her voice, or the unshed tears in her eyes that finally had you breaking, but you suppose that didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that you were finally letting her in.

   “I don’t know what to do anymore Tasha” you admit as your voice trembles, and you push past your tears to keep going, “Everything just gets so hard and it's like I can’t even function. All I can do is the bare minimum, and thats so fuckin pathetic. I’m an adult, an Avenger for god's sake, and all I can do is lay in bed and wish I just didn’t even exist”

   “Detka(baby), no. It’s not pathetic, not at all. With everything you’ve gone through and how tough life has been for you, it makes sense that you’d have some days where that all just gets to be too much”

   You can’t help but scoff, “So many people have gone through what I have and they don’t struggle like this. And so many people have it worse. Just look at Bucky, or Wanda. Hell, even you- ”

   “Don’t do that, don’t compare your struggles to others. Everyones brains are different and everyone handles their traumas differently too. What matters is these things affect you, and sometimes you struggle because of them. That's it, no one else's situation bears any sort of weight on what you went through or how you deal with it.”She stresses, “You are allowed to feel how you feel, and you're allowed to not be okay.”

   A sob finally slips past your lips and without a second thought you're sitting up and flinging yourself at the redhead. She quickly wraps her arms around you and pulls you close, letting one hand soothe your back while her other gently cradles the back of your head. Your hands clutch at the fabric of her shirt tightly and you bury your face in the crook of her neck, letting your tears fall against her skin. She doesn’t mind honestly, she's just happy to be the one that you get to turn to when things get hard.

    “I just don’t wanna be here sometimes Tasha, it all gets to be too much.”

    “I know detka(baby), I know. But I am so proud of you for continuing on and so glad that you are here. You are so important. And even more so to me” she whispers, kissing the top of your head

    “I just feel so lost. So alone.”

    “I know, but I’ve got you now and I’m not letting you go. We’ll figure things out together. I promise. Whatever you need Y/n, therapy or time off missions, I’ll help you get it.” she says, tightening her hold on you, “Good days or bad, I’ll be right here.”

   The conviction she speaks with lets you know she means every word, and you know she’s not leaving your side.  You know you're safe in her embrace, and you feel incredibly grateful knowing she's going to be there to help care for you. And though you're still reeling from the turmoil within your head, you find yourself feeling like maybe things were going to start looking up from now on, as long as you had Natasha beside you.

Taglist: @wandaromamoff69 @mmmmokdok @nataliasknife @natashasilverfox @when-wolves-howl @danveration @naomi-m3ndez @sheneonromanoff @sayah13 @likefirenrain @nighttime-dreaming @just-a-torn-up-masterpiece @readings-stuff @chaoticevilbakugo @crystalstark02 @wackymcstupid @xchaiix @iaminluvwithnat @lovelyy-moonlight @blackwidow-3 @mistressofinsomnia @that-one-gay-mosquito @yomamagf @yourfavdummy @justarandomreaderxoxo @scoutlp23-blog @whoischanelle15 @lissaaaa145 @eline03 @wizardofstories @imthenatynat @marvelonmymind @fluffyblanketgecko @bitch-616 @dakotastormm  @zoomdeathknight @rayeofmoonlight @aeroae @sashawalker2

[lovewithmary]

(not) moving on — a max verstappen x stark!oc x charles leclerc series

★ fc: madison beer ☆ summary: evangeline "evie" stark is in love with her best friend, max verstappen, but he tries his best to keep her at arm's length. but what happens when she starts to get close to his fellow drivers in the paddock? ★ notes: early chapter bc I am too impatient so I’m taking the poll results as is and assuming charles is the winner. anyways, drama is happening!!!

previous next series masterlist

"Evie's baking,"

"We know,"

"My daughter is baking for two tiny villages or two super soldiers, and none of you thought to ask if there was something wrong?" Tony asked, watching as his fellow Avengers, his wife, and his youngest daughter were all eating the pastries that Evie had been baking since she got off the phone.

"Parker tried grabbing the spatula from her hand, but she threw a bowl at his head. But luckily his Peter Tingle saved him and he dodged," Bucky explained, mouthful with a slice of one of the cakes Evie made.

"I told you not to call it the Peter Tingle!" Peter complained.

"I think she had a fight with Max," Morgan's tiny voice piped up, oblivious to the heads that turned to her.

"Morg, why didn't you say that earlier?" Pepper asked.

Morgan blinked innocently and shrugged, then said, "You didn't ask,"

"Okay, who wants to be the one to ask her about Max?"

A tense air fell between some of the most powerful people in the world, only for them to touch their noses and say, "Not it!"

Unfortunately for him, Tony himself was the last one to do it, which made him curse. "I should've just stayed in my lab," he muttered but went to the kitchen to see that Evie was already starting another batch of cupcakes as if the pile of used cupcake liners between Steve and Bucky wasn't enough.

"Hello, tesoro," Tony greeted, concerned at the fact that Evie barely reacted at the sound of his voice.

"The dining room isn't that far from the kitchen, papa. I don't need to have powers or be a Super Soldier to hear you guys," Evie commented.

"So, will it be easier to ask what happened between you and Max that's made you spiral into a hurricane of frosting— is that macrons? When did you learn how to make macrons?" Tony asked, caught off-guard.

"Max and I had a little misunderstanding. And I didn't know how to make macrons until earlier," Evie responded.

"A little misunderstanding? You're taking over my kitchen with baked goods for a little misunderstanding?"

"I will find a way to bake you if you don't stop!" She threateningly responded, the aforementioned spatula Peter tried taking was in her hand menacingly pointed at Tony.

Tony raised his arms up in surrender, "I won't ask then. I will just be here, in the corner of the kitchen, giving you moral support," he said, taking a step away from his daughter and near the door just in case.

Silence fell between the father and daughter, Evie angrily making a bowl of frosting while Tony was thinking about whether or not he had to bring in Pepper for his own moral support.

That was until, "Do I insert myself into people's business too much? Is it something I do regularly?" Evie blurted out.

"I think you insert yourself into people's business when you think you need to. I don't think it's a lot, but then again, you help me with my business, so I can't say it's too much," Tony shrugged.

She groaned, not getting a clear answer. She should've known that her dad wasn't going to outright tell her when she was being too invasive. "I'm serious, dad," she told him.

"Did Max say something? Whatever he said, ignore it. He drives for a living, he's wrong no matter what,"

"I thought you liked Max. You've known him since he was a kid,"

"I don't like him if he makes my daughter upset,"

"Dad..."

"What did he say?" Tony asked once more.

Evie sighed before washing her hands and grabbing her phone from the pocket of her apron and then giving it to her dad, unlocked and the texts already on the screen. She watched as her dad's face turned angry.

"I'll shoot him out of the sky with one of my repulsors—"

"Dad, no,"

"He didn't have to talk to you like that! That little shit—"

"What do I do?" Evie interrupted him, knowing that if she let him rant, he'd end up wearing one of the Iron Man suits, already on the way to wherever the next race was.

"Do what Starks do best,"

"Which is?"

"To get under people's skin,"

[pondering-gales-left-orb]

i will not accept shane spouse room slander anymore im sick of it

I'm so mad at everyone who is mad at Shane's spouse room and i cant keep silent about it anymore

let me start by saying yes Shane was my first ever spouse in SDV and no i was not thinking i could fix him i was just impressed by his progress and self improvement so i had my character marry him

then i went online to see what are people saying about him and i was SHOCKED everyone was so mean to him and were absolutely wronggggggggggg about him

this man does improve himself he absolutely is better after marriage and everyone that's mischaracterizing that because of his spouse room is a coward sorry i don't make the rules

facts: Shane goes to therapy and starts getting his alcoholism under control by eliminating the source of his pain which is wasting his life away at joja and doing something he loves which is raise blue chickens THAT HE MADE MIGHT I ADD HE INVENTED A NEW BREED OF CHICKENS BTW. that last point alone pisses me of so hard because people so often over look it! he is just as smart as Maru just as creative as Eliot and just as ambitious as Sam, let me repeat myself HE INVENTED A NEW BREED OF CHICKEN WHILE HE WAS DEPRESSED AND SUFFERING OF ALCOHOLISM.... recognize his brilliance please

so that means people saying he falls back into his old habits because he has a six pack in his room is wrong, imo he stops being an alcoholic and goes back to having drinking be a hobby he does while gaming or hanging out with friends at the bar THAT'S THE POINT UR SUPPOSED TO GET FROM HIS HEART EVENTS

yes his room has mud tracks but consider this this man's WHOLE JOB is to RAISE CHICKENS IN A COOP !!!!! chickens who again he literally invented their breed who track mud shit and drop feed on the floor of the coop he is in all day!!! OF FUCKING COURSE HES GONNA HAVE MUD ON HIS SHOES!!

he works all day for his blue chickens and then just wants to come in and relax playing a video game and drinking a beer if he was a horrible dirty alcoholic like people claim he is he would track mud ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND DIRTY UP ALL THE HOUSE but no its just his tiny hobby room

you as a farmer also work all day on chores and after you are done you also just wanna do something fun to relax and guess what YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE HOUSE EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE TO MAKE INTO YOUR HOBBY ROOM some of you fill the house with kegs because you are making it your thing hell one of my farmers who was a witch had an entire room that's just crystals potions and a fucking cauldron , in my Shane save i had a room LINED with fish tanks that was my farmers Hobby, do you think Shane gets mad that i had 4 to 6 fish tanks running all day with puffer fishes and some legendary fishes stinking up the house?? NO because he gets his hobby room and the farmer gets their hobby room everyone keeps to their space period.

i think everyone needs to understand that having a messy hobby room is not a bad thing and that Shane and the other spouses have a right to their own room to look however they want and it doesn't have to match the house

everyone also needs to look at Shane in a better light please I'm begging you to let characters have small flaws and not be squeaky clean perfect

Shane sought help he is helping himself and trying to be better but that doesn't mean he doesn't get to indulge in some guilty pleasures he is human and is aloud to be one even while still in recovery! the difference now is that he HAS CONTROL OVER ALCOHOL AND GAMING CONSUMPTION AND IS NOT SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL LIKE BEFORE he has job he loves a family he takes care of and he makes sure he doesn't dirty up his entire house but gives himself a break in his ONE room and doesn't stop himself form having fun doing the things he enjoys without over indulging or falling into bad habits.

Edit: i know in the end the drinks are non alcoholic as confirmed by him and i mentioned beer and drinks cause i know there is non alcoholic Versions of them som.. but as i said im adressing the MISSCHARACTERIZATION of shane by the shane haters who didn't go through his heart events hence me saying "you are supposed to learn all this from his heart events" cause they dont go through them :D

Anyway,

in conclusion SHANE IS GOOD SPOUSE, a good man and an inventor in his own right. yall just need to be gentle to him in your judgment cause man is he trying his earnest and that needs to be recognized. i mean look at him look at this healthy man <3

[eepywriters]

I LOVED YOUR MESSAGES WITH QUACKITY ❤️❤️❤️

please do getting into an agrument with quackity headcanons please 🙏🏻🙏🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻😙😙🫣‼️💕💕🩷🩷

.✦°. • getting into an argument hcs (*´Д｀*)

warnings: a bit of angst and maybe a bit ooc? I tried 😞🤚🏻

a/n: HIII!! THANK U SO MUCH! It means a lot :D and sorry if it took so long ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡ finals kicked my ass so I couldn’t write for a while BUT IM HERE SO LET’S GET INTO IT

EARLY INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

(thinking of a young, little experienced Alex)

Oh it’s jover

This could actually be something that could cause a breakup cuz let me tell you THIS MAN just can’t stand confrontation

If it’s something that bugged you, he’d probably understand your point of view but would also be very overwhelmed at the thought of losing you cause he hasn’t been good enough for you, resulting in him hyper focusing on his spiraling thoughts rather than listening to what you are saying

I feel like he’d also be the type to act like nothing happened right after an argument; he’d ignore the tense situation and make jokes to light up the mood and forget about it. He’s not dense, he knows it hurts you to see him seemingly ignore your feelings like that, but he’s not used to being listened so he ends up making his partner go trough his predicament as well

BUT it’s even worse if it’s something that bugged HIM; he probably wouldn’t tell you about it, much preferring to suck it up and don’t cause problems, even though he IS creating more problems

the underlying tension caused by his silence would bring the relationship to a breaking point:

1 you break up and the regret eats him up (probably also wouldn’t reach out again because of shame and a tiny bit of ego)

2 you talk about it cause it can’t go on like this

When I talk about bugging tho, I’m thinking about things that don’t surge an immediate reaction from him, because if he’s mad, he’s mad.

He’s the venomous type, forget his silence and self pity, he’ll probably laugh in your face in irritation and say whatever the fuck he thinks

He’ll retreat to his office as soon as he sees the hurt in your face, understanding he went to far and going back to he’s usual silence, ending up giving you the silence treatment. (he also feels incredibly ashamed) (he’ll just stay in his office all day, editing mindlessly since his mind is anywhere but in the work he’s doing)

He’ll either leave you alone in bed that day, making you sulk and feel as lonely as ever, or will sleep with you but it’ll be the coldest shit ever (like the typical movie scene where two people sleep super afar from each other)

Don’t misunderstand tho, he does feel guilty, he just struggles with communicating his feelings properly (*´ー｀*)

“(Name) I’m not a child, stop acting like you are my fucking mom” he spat, a look of indignation spreading on his features, shaping his otherwise gentle appearance into a strong, furious one.

“Cant you understand that I’m worried about you?” you strike back, jaw impossibly tightened “I understand that you’re very dedicated to your job, but you can’t get yourself to this state.” You sigh, not able to keep up the mad act: “You look very tired Alex”.

You take a tentative step towards him, determined to show him you weren’t scolding him, nor were you mad at him. You were trying to establish contact with him, not start a fight, after all your irritation came from worry, not anger. But he didn’t receive that well. His brows scrunching even further while his mouth twitches downwards.

“Stop acting like I’m some fucking rabid animal. I can take care of myself just fine, I don’t need a fucking babysitter”.

Seems that wasn’t the right move.

The way he was saying your name was probably what hurt the most. You find yourself missing the gentle tone he usually reserved to it when spoken.

“What are you even saying?” you breathe out, your voice being so fragile you almost don’t recognize it as your own. “Do you hear what you are saying? You are being impossible Alex”.

At this point his foot is stomping nervously on the floor. He’s getting annoyed by the minute and he can’t wait to forget about this tense situation. Arguments always put him on edge, but instead of working on the root cause of his discomfort, he always had preferred to just get himself out of the mess as soon as possible. (He hadn’t yet grasped how much that could hurt others). And that’s why, out of everything he could’ve gone, he replied with the one of the most uncalled for things he could ever come up with.

“Maybe instead of worrying about me, you should take a good look at yourself first”.

And you know what he was trying to entail.

You were never insecure of your dark circles, or at least, it wasn’t something that bugged you on the daily ever since you had found a common ground with Alex, knowing he struggled with very prominent circles cause of his lack of sleep. But for someone like him, who always had a hard time with his appearance, to clap back at you by going for your looks? Foul. Unexpected. Not like him at all.

You were sure he could tell from the look of disbelief on your face that he had fucked up.

Alex’s breathing keeps up, his chest constricts, and the anger and the pride that he has wearing like a tailored suit are stripped out of him at the sight of your frown. His mind goes haywire trying to come up with any response.

Maybe if you would’ve known him better by then, you would’ve known how terrified he was of your judgment. Even though his fame often had him deal with horrible comments filled with free hate, if judgement came from you, it scarred 100 times more than anything could ever do.

“Just leave it be, I’m fine” it’s all he mutters before booking it and hiding himself in his office, leaving you to stand there, in the middle of your living room.

Tears prickle your eyes, threatening to fall at any moment and your lip begs you for mercy as you bite into it.

God, why was communicating so difficult in this house?

LONG INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

It took time, it took healing, it took sitting down and TALKING to finally find your balance

He’s still pretty much venomous when it comes to immediate triggers, but after you are both done fighting and cursing each other out, you talk about it and come out of it somewhat unscathed

Anger isn’t easy to control or refrain after all, but you both try your best, and you are able to make up most of the times without falling into old dynamics of silent treatment or isolation

If something bugs him, he most likely will tell you; he is hesitant about it, but after many nights spent in your arms, he starts to let go on some of his biggest worries (anxiety still gnaws at his core every time he opens his mouth though, that doesn’t get old at all)

If something bugs you, he doesn’t shy away from confrontation anymore; he’s not perfect at it either, he still feels the urge to run away and laugh about it all, but he’s gotten way better at it

He’s still very scared of you having a negative opinion about him, but now you know him well enough to spend some extra time to reassure him that you won’t stop loving him for a petty fight, and that arguments in relationship are important to grow not only as a couple, but as people too

“(Name)” he calls out, and you instantly recognize the hint of anxiety that he’s trying to hide from you.

“Yes honey?” you reply, taking your eyes off your phone to stare into his pretty, brown ones. They screamed stress, fear, yet also determination. He did so much progress compared to the beginnings of your relationship. You were proud of him.

Alex took a deep breath before saying: “Uhm, It’s about the photo of us you posted earlier”. You could practically smell the tension in the air. His body is stiff, his chest is heaving, but your gaze is captured by his fingers and by how his nails are digging into them continuously, tearing his already red skin.

You take his hands in yours, preventing him from doing further damage to his poor, abused fingers. You knew he does it as a way to ground himself, but he really needed to find a new coping method - one that didn’t feature him torturing his body if possible.

He stares at his hands in yours for a while. You don’t say anything, allowing him to take his time.

“Okay fuck it” Alex whispers under his breath, so quietly you almost miss it.

“It makes me feel insecure, I don’t like it” he admits, keeping his focus on your hands as he munches his bottom lip nervously. You, in response, draw slow circles on his hands, offering him a gentle smile.

“Can you delete it..?” he sounds unsure, like he’s testing the waters instead of actually making a request. Either way you welcome it.

You put one of your fingers under his chin, gently applying pressure for him to lift his head, just enough to look at you. “Of course I can. Thank you for telling me Alex, I know it’s hard”. His once tense body relaxes.

He avoids your tender gaze, seemingly preferring to stare at the floor, yet you see the soft blush that was quickly taking over his cheeks. You also can’t help but notice that he already had found his charming smile back.

“Stop looking at me like that” he mumbles as his smile spreads. Uh oh, that can only mean trouble.

“Like what” your eyes narrow, not trusting his new found confidence.

“Like this”.

His imitation is pitiful: furrowed eyebrows, small frown and large puppy dog eyes. The more you look at him, the more he reminds you of that one emo guy that kind of looks like him (he definitely does). He looks ridiculous. How did you even fall in love with this dude?

You slap his arm, scoffing out a laugh as you look at him incredulous: “I don’t look like that!”.

“I think you do” he says with a smug tone, one that makes you want to hit him with a pillow till he goes back to sleep. And maybe you just will.

“Oh it’s on you motherf-“

The room was filled with laughter instead of unconfortable, loud silence.

(first post of 2024 yippiee)

[queenofmistresses]

You’re not a whore

A/N this is another selfish fic because my life sucks sometimes and I need my book/tv boyfriends to comfort me

Stiles x reader

My mother always had a way to make me feel like shit. Whether it’s having a go at me for my grades or telling me how useless I am. Today she chose my outfit, and fuck does that hurt.

I spent ages picking this outfit and I actually felt cute in it, something that is really rare for me. The top I’m wearing is a bit boob-y and has an annoying habit of sliding down ever so slightly occasionally, but I wore a big jacket over the top of it to wrap around myself as well as making sure to keep an eye on the top so that I could pull it up if anything happened.

When I got to school my boyfriend wrapped his arms around me from behind, pressing kisses to my shoulder, neck and face, something that is not unusual. He complimented my outfit, making my confidence boost even more, and walked me to class while holding my class.

The rest of my day was good, fairly uneventful and I was able to go home a little early after going to the garage with my car briefly.

When I got home is when it happened. I let my mum know what the man at the garage said so that she was updated and she seemed fairly normal. Then she looked up from the TV to look at me briefly and said, “The men at the garage were probably all staring at your boobs” with a half laugh which told me enough. The worst part is my dad was sat right there listening to us.

I was so embarrassed and felt so degraded so I went straight up to my room, taking the top off and putting the biggest jumper I could find on and not leaving my room. I felt so dejected, every part of me now telling me I’m some kind of slut.

After an hour of lying in bed, doing nothing but sitting and letting my mind spiral, I hear a knock on my window. I forgot he was coming over tonight.

I put on my best smile and open the window letting him in and watching him jump down onto my floor. “Hey-” he starts then pauses for a moment, “what’s wrong?” He asks, always the perceptive one.

“Nothing! I’m fine, did you bring everything?” I ask trying to deter the conversation away from me, but he seems determined to get to the bottom of this.

“Yeah… but you’ve obviously been crying.” That surprises me, I reach my hand up to feel my cheeks and sure enough there are tears.

“Oh. I didn’t even notice.”

“Did something happen? Did someone upset you?” Stiles asks, already stepping closer and making me feel safer now he’s here.

“It’s nothing, my mum just, um, made a comment about my outfit today.” I try to say casually, not looking up at him.

“What kind of comment?” He asks, knowing how my mum can be.

“She said that she thinks all the men at the garage were staring at my…” I indicate, not wanting to say the word, too embarrassed by the whole thing.

“Jesus.” He mutters under his breath, making me look up at him. “You deserve better than that. It’s your choice what you wear, you’re not a child.”

I nod but I still feel doubtful. “But what if she has a point? I’m practically inviting something to happen.”

“What?? No you aren’t, you’re wearing clothes. That’s it. Whether you were wearing that or joggers and a jumper, people are creeps, I hate it but it’s true, and that is not your fault.” I can see him getting really fired up about this, which does reassure me a bit.

I look down again though not wanting to see his face when I say this, “She just made me feel like some cheap whore. Which is stupid because sex work is real work and I think it’s amazing-” Stiles stops me from my ramblings by placing both of his hands on my shoulders.

“I know what you mean. And you are not a whore. Your mum just… I don’t know but she’s wrong, and she shouldn’t have said that. You’re beautiful and I love you, okay?” He makes sure I can see how much he believes in what he’s saying, it makes me almost start crying again.

“Thank you.” I mutter and pull him into a hug, wanting to feel his arms wrapped around me.

After holding him tight for a little while we get set up for our evening and snuggle in bed together watching a movie. He holds me tight and gives me occasional kisses on the top of my head making me feel a little giddy inside. I don’t even realise I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up in the middle of the night to find Stiles holding onto me like I’m his entire lifeline, reminding me that I’m loved even if my mother can’t accept it.

[crimeronan]

horrible idea here. what if odalia hears about the death of hunter and goes 'excellent, now amity can get in the empress's graces unimpeded' but then somehow hears about ghost hunter.

fulfilling her maternal duties, she uses her oracle magic to trap hunter in some kind of crystal ball (think lapis lazuli from steven universe in the mirror - she was forced to answer any question posed to her and could only communicate by replaying what other people had said)

i doubt she would give him to amity if she knows they were friendly, but i imagine he reveals himself to her by calling her a bitch with her own voice

there's something hysterically funny about odalia being like oh AMAZING, dead metamour and amity didn't even need to kill him herself!! everything's coming up blight!! UGHHHHHH WHAT DO YOU MEEEEAAAAN HE'S STILL FLOATING AROUND. FINE. as usual i have to do everything myself. YOU'RE WELCOME, PEOPLE!!!!

you're right that odalia probably wouldn't give him to amity, but i'm so compelled by the thought that she Does.

like. can you fucking Imagine.

amity, who at this point in the timeline is Not super close to luz, but Does feel for her because of how obviously fucked up she is, having to weigh the options of, like....

1) keep your ghost frenemy trapped in a crystal ball calling you a bitch with your own voice forever, OR

2) go to the empress, whose power you're still reasonably Very Afraid Of, all like, "haha, you know how you were hallucinating hunter a bunch right after he died and then all at once that stopped and you were alone and it left you in a downward grief spiral 100x worse than it already was?? oh, how do i know that?? okay ummmmm haha, this is gonna be SO awkward but--"

like oh my god. poor amity.

[etoileee]

If this is too intrusive I was wondering what method you use to shift

I’m so sorry this might not be helpful at all but I don’t really use methods and im a firm believer in you don’t need them to be able to shift.

the reason I don’t use a specific method is because a lot of the time there is a template outline for shifting methods, its very “do this and this and this and once this happens do this” and as someone that has adhd staying on task is already a challenge, and if it feels like I’m doing a chore, its even harder for me.

using those template shifting methods just doesn’t work for me, but I guess in a way I do have a bit of a method.. but it more of a life style than a shifting method in my eyes.

I like to immerse myself in my dr. for example with my percy jackson dr.

some things I like to do are watching the show, reading the books, creating playlists, vision boards, and IMAGINING!!

watching the show and putting yourself in their shoes, imagining what it would be like, what you would do, how would you react etc I think would be good for people that have a hard time visualizing since its right in front of you, reading the books is also a good way to immerse yourself in it because I think of it has being in their universe but in a different way, you don’t have to come up with your own scenarios because again I know that’s difficult for some people so already having something to work off of and just putting yourself in it.

CREATING PLAYLISTS AND VISION BOARDS OMFG

again this lines up with the whole “If you have trouble visualizing” thing because you can use images, even if you are good at imagining things I’d recommend doing this because really its so much fun, and making a playlist(s) is also something I’d recommend because music helps you feel. having songs you think match the vibe of your dr or your drself and listening to it while you visualize or create your vision board is just so much fun and in my opinion helps you really feel and imagine your dr and your drself

here is the vision board I created for my drself if you need any inspiration!

as for what I do for when I’m going to shift is as follows;

—STEP ONE

set the intention!

I know a lot of people say this but truly I mean it.

don’t overthink it. don’t give yourself enough time to doubt yourself because thats when you start to spiral and think you can’t do it, I know it’s easier said then done but a tip from me to you is when you start to get a thought like “I can’t do this” do NOT pay attention to it. think of your thought as a cloud and you are laying on the grass looking up at the sky, your “I can’t do this” cloud showing up in your sky, (your brain) you can acknowledge it if you want but pay no mind to it and watch it drift away in the wind.

—STEP TWO

be comfortable!

my room is always dark, and in a way I feel like it helps me shift, because it makes me feel comfortable and relaxed. I have this like teal night light and that as well feels as if it helps because the darkness mixed with the teal hue light is not only super relaxing but it’s something my brain associates with percy jackson. also please don’t fear not moving or feeling like you have to lay on your back! you’ll shift no matter what if you believe you can. not moving is recommended because it gets your body in that numb like “body asleep, mind awake” state faster, but you moving to itch yourself will not make you not shift. I promise.

—STEP THREE

visualization!

you can visualize anything to do with your dr and your drself. you can visualize where you’ll wake up for example, but make sure you use all your senses! where are you? inside or outside? what room is this? what are you laying on? what does it feel like? what colors can you see? what are some objects you see? what can you smell? whats the temperature? lose yourself in the visualization!

—STEP FOUR

shift!

keep your eyes closed until you fall asleep or feel your surroundings change, at that point when you wake up or open your eyes you’ll have shifted!

again, I know this could sound easier said than done and having someone tell you that something you’re struggling with isn’t difficult can be frustrating. trust me, I’ve been there, but something I need you to realize is its only as difficult as you let it be.

if you’re one of those people that struggles to tell when to open your eyes, I’d recommend scripting something like “I’ll smell a strong sent of *blank* once I’ve shifted” I also remember seeing someone script that once they’ve successfully shifted that they’ll feel a tap on their forehead. I feel like that would freak me out lmao but if you’re bold enough for it go ahead and do that!

A FINAL TIP

TAKE SHIFTING OFF THE PEDESTAL!!

dont think of it as something untouchable and only few select people can do because it isn’t. again, its only has hard as you let it be. instead of having shifting on the pedestal, put YOURSELF on the pedestal instead!

now get the hell up outta here (lovingly)

[oliveoil422]

I wanna see you before I die

DESTIEL FIC

~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~

‘I wanna see you before I die,’ I thought as I felt more of my life being drained from me but I can't see you because you are dead. I wish I could have just told you I loved you too before the empty took you. I want to yell and scream at you for making that deal. How could you be so dumb Cass. You have always been there for me. I need you now god damn it! Where are you, you winged dick? All i can think about is how i never got to say i love you back i do i really do Cass i wish you could have told me sooner, why didn't you? You never were scared of anything, hell we even fought Lucifer together! Why couldn't you have said something? Why couldn't you have given me the chance?

Remember when things were much more simple when you were an angel of the lord and I was the man you, “Gripped tight and raised from perdition.” I've known lost all my life, I've lost pretty much everyone I ever cared about but you? Thats different you were suppose to be the one i didn't lose, the one i couldn’t lose. And now here we are, you sitting in the empty, probably cold and alone while I'm here on earth fighting for my life which is coming to an end. Sam doesn't know it yet but i can feel it im not going anywhere. This nail is holding me together at this point. I know it's probably impossible but if i make it to heaven i hope it's with you, i hope the memories that i relive is with you i wish we could have made more.

My whole life has been pretty shitty. I mean watching my mom die then my dad spiraled because of it. The one thing I got right was Sammy, I raised that kid while I was still one myself and he turned out pretty good. Jack, if you can hear my thoughts my prayers please keep him safe, keep the one thing i didn't mess up safe, keep my pain in the ass little brother safe.keep him safe because i won't be able to anymore like i have been his whole life. His whole life I took care of him cause without me he had nobody even though John clearly loved him over me he didn't show it often. Who is going to take care of him while i'm gone? I shouldn't have let this happen. I should have watched out for that nail. Why didn't I look out for it? Dad taught me better than that! I shouldn't be in this situation. It's my own damn fault that I am! Now I'm going to leave Sammy all alone because of my carelessness.

Cass, I know our time was short but it meant alot to me, and it clearly meant alot to you as well. If I ever see you again I wont need an explanation about why you left the way you did or why you said the things you did because I get it. I truly get it. I love you too that's what i would tell you if i ever got the chance to see you again i hope one day i will see some version of you, even a fragment of you would be something, Castiel, former angel of the lord, you mean alot to me thank you forever giving me the thought of day. You pieced me together when you left that hand print you made me whole you made me, me. To answer your question from many years ago, no I don't think I deserve to be saved. I think that you deserve everything good in life, i think you deserve to be saved. But Dean Winchester? Hell no. and everyone knew it too no one thought i should be saved most people wished i was still in the pit some days i agree i mess most things up in my life, i even messed whatever we had because i didn't speak on my feelings or even notice i could feel that way until you made it known to me that i could feel that way that you felt that way.

~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~

author note:if anyone likes this I will write more!

[lushandlamb]

The 12th House: You’re Stuck In The Story

If you have been into astrology for some time, you have surely come across the elusive descriptions of the twelfth house. Hospitals, hidden enemies, lurking, prisons, etc are all terms that come about when people attempt to explain this house. However, the twelfth house seems to shirk any attempt at being understood or conceptualized. It wants to stay opaque. I also never understood this house, despite my attempts to read astrology cheat sheets and research. The only time I came close was when I learned the phrase: “you’re stuck in the story.” What does that mean? The context I heard this phrase was someone discussing how their mother consoled them after a rough breakup. She told her daughter that she was stuck in the story. She was too busy going over the events, ruminating, trying to analyze and piece together how what was became what is. But this left her in the past, unfocused on the present, causing stress and anxiety.

In the last few years, I had a crush, or better named, a limerence on a man. I’m prone to these sorts of things. Anyway, I learned that his Moon and Jupiter crossed over my 12th house. It was an interesting realization. I had considered that maybe we could be like twins, partners that matched each other in mind and spirit. Despite the fact that he was already in a committed relationships, I saw our little looks at each other, the little talks we had, his politeness as a sign that love was breezing past us as we walked side by side, our feet matching in pace and beat. I asked myself how these encounters could just mean nothing. There had to be something there! How can I feel this way if it means nothing? But in the end, these were all just little things, little courtesies that I had taken to mean much, much more. I was stuck in the story, I rehashed this man and I’s relationship over and over. What happened between us? Did he…? Do I still….? Does she know about…? I only learned that we were never partners and we could never be partners because I could only stand as his shadow, not myself. Always dedicated to him, chasing after, happy to live on those amorphous interactions of what could’ve been love. Only to come to the realization that it was nothing to him. And then I asked myself how I had been tricked. I journaled. I wrote bad poetry and bad short stories. I did even worse tarot readings. I was building the story up in my mind, always the self-analyst.

But really, I was living in the realm of questions, irrationality, anxiety. I was stuck in the story and he became this dark matter in my brain. When I was bored and idle, when I was lazy and sedentary, I thought of him. I was losing my hold on it. It wasn’t something I could let myself think about because it was all I thought about. This is the twelfth house. It’s where confusion lives, it’s where dreams, that are seemingly rational and from reality but then distorted, are born. It’s what haunts you, keeps you in bed, keeps you unfocused, anxious yet already so tired. It’s the sappy, unrefined word vomit when you try to make sense of it. It doesn’t want to be put into words, it doesn’t want to be known because it takes away the disorder it brings, in how nebulous it is. This is how I came to understand the twelfth house. 

I will add that rumination can be necessary. I needed to reflect to realize what I had wasted, what I had lost, but it’s more of the spiraling. I knew the lesson, I had been aware, but all of this awareness only lead me to stay in this shady relationship, going over what I had known, creating more confusion.  There is a point where healthy reflection, meditation turns into overthinking and paranoia. The rational becomes distorted. Sometimes, you should let yourself live with the fact that you couldn’t understand it. That the center couldn’t hold (maybe, it never existed) and things fell apart.  Fin. 

[tinyinvadr]

So the tadc brain rot is so strong right now, and naturally, I had to bring g/t into it! Not sure how many parts there will be to this, but yeah!

Hide & Shrink

Chapter 1

I couldn’t sleep the first night. It wasn’t like I needed to. All that was once essential for living is now pointless. Trying to retain any sense of normalcy is a waste of time that could be spent trying to find a way out.

The exit door turned out to be a bust, but surely there’s another way to leave. I just have to keep trying, even if it drives me insane, even if I end up in the void again. There’s no way I can stay in a place like this.

But… if I keep this up, and I DO end up driving myself insane, I’ll just end up like Kaufmo and however many others before him who’ve been “abstracted”. Yeah, that’s what they called it. I’m not exactly sure what it means or if there’s a way to undo it, but since Caine has a whole cellar full of abstracted people, I can only assume that it’s irreversible. That, or this is all just a part of his games.

The others seem to trust him to some extent, but I can’t bring myself to. He has to be the one who’s keeping us trapped here, right? He’s insistent that there’s no way out because he doesn’t want us to leave, so that must mean an exit DOES exist, right?

The worst part is that no one else seems as eager to leave as I am. Clearly no one wants to be here, but they still managed to adapt to this world. They accept it, they play along with whatever Caine has to throw at them. It’s… normal to them.

No, I can’t reach that point. None of this is real, and I refuse to let myself believe that it is. I had a life before this. A real life that was taken from me. A face, an identity, a name. I can’t remember the details, but it’s enough to know that I don’t belong in this twisted program and I have to get back to the real world.

The entire night, my mind was racing in this vicious cycle. Do I keep trying? Do I give up? Do I have to just accept this as my new life from here on out?

I was finally snapped out of my spiraling when I heard a knock on the door the next morning.

“Hey, uh, Pomni? You okay in there? I just wanted to check in, make sure you’re still… here.”

Just hearing Ragatha’s voice hit me with an overwhelming sense of guilt. Why was she still bothering to help me? I abandoned her twice when she was hurt, how could she forgive me so easily?

I opened the door for her, and she just stood there, nervously scratching the back of her head. I guess it wasn’t entirely water under the bridge, but she still made the effort to reach out to me.

“Um… Hi, Ragatha. Thanks for checking in on me.”

“Oh, yeah, of course! I’m glad you’re okay. Yesterday was… a lot to deal with all at once for a new person. But I promise, it’s usually not like that here.”

We just stood in awkward silence for a minute. There were so many things I wanted to ask her, but I was worried I would make things worse. I didn’t want her getting hurt again.

“Anyway, the rest of us are having breakfast, so feel free to join us if you want. Don’t feel pressured if you don’t want to, just thought I’d offer, since it can be nice to spend time with other people.”

In all honesty, I really wasn’t up for it, but I knew I couldn’t lie in bed stuck in my own thoughts forever. Maybe leaving my room would help me focus. Or it would make things worse, subjecting myself to all of the chaos of the Digital Circus again.

No, I had to. Attempting to do something was better than not doing anything.

“Yeah… I think I will.”

I followed Ragatha down the long hallway, filled with unease as I remembered our encounter with Kaufmo only a day prior. It was terrifying to think that the huge, glitching monster that attacked us was a person deep down. I didn’t know him, but the others did. I couldn’t imagine how it must have felt for them to lose him in such a horrible way.

And any one of us could be next.

We arrived at the main area of the circus tent where everyone was already seated at the table, feasting on digital, artificial pancakes.

Jax was the first to notice us.

“Oh hey, Pomni. You’re not dead.”

Ragatha sighed as we made our way over to the table, sitting at the two empty seats.

It seemed like everyone had a preferred seat at the table, so I ended up sitting between Gangle and Jax again. This was all part of their routine that they’ve been keeping up for god knows how long.

“Good morning, Pomni! I hope you’re feeling better today.”

I was caught off guard by Gangle’s smiling mask and cheery attitude. She was crying the entire first day.

“I don’t know… but you seem to be in a better mood.”

She chuckled, touching her mask with her ribbon hands. “That’s ‘cause my comedy mask regenerated. It resets every morning.”

I was about to ask her how often her mask breaks, but my question was answered when Bubble suddenly popped up behind Kinger, startling him to the point where he fell back onto Gangle, pushing her over and knocking her mask off.

“Aw… it broke again.” She said with a sniffle as she collected the remains of her mask.

On the other side of me, Jax smirked, crossing his arms behind his head. “Never gets old.”

Man, what a jerk.

Breakfast carried on pretty much the same as dinner the previous night. I was trying not to let my thoughts wander to darker places and focus on trying to connect with the others. It was difficult, though, since everyone already knew each other pretty well and adjusted to the insanity of this world in their own ways, so I was just kind of there. But I knew I needed them. As long as we were all on the same page, maybe I could stop myself from going insane.

Of course, it wasn’t long before HE showed up.

Just as we were finishing breakfast, Caine appeared beside Bubble.

“Rise and shine, my wonderful performers! A new day of exciting adventure awaits!”

Everyone got up and followed Caine to the stage area. I reluctantly joined them, unsure of what would happen if I didn’t.

“The star of today’s adventure will be selected with…”

Suddenly, a huge carnival wheel fell from the ceiling and crashed on the floor next to him.

“The Wheel of Whimsy!”

Each section of the wheel had a picture of one of our faces on it. Mine was already added to it, even though I only just got there.

Zooble rolled their eyes at the sight of the wheel.

“It better not land on me again.”

Caine gave the wheel a strong spin, and I watched in nervous anticipation as it slowed down. I had no idea what kind of adventure he had planned, but I knew for sure that I definitely didn’t want to “star” in it, whatever that meant.

I let out a sigh of relief as it seemed like the wheel would stop just before it landed on me. But, with the last bit of force, the pin crossed over onto my section.

“Well, would you look at that! Our star today is our newest member, Pomni!”

Jax casually strolled up beside Caine, that smug grin never leaving his face.

“Still picking on the newbie, huh Caine? I like it.”

Caine chuckled in response.

“Now, now, you know I don’t pick favorites! The Wheel of Whimsy is completely random, and all of you have an equal chance of being selected! That being said, considering yesterdays events and the fact that Pomni is still fairly new here, I’m going to give her a say in today’s adventure! So, what’ll it be, Pomni?”

I looked around at the others, each with differing expressions. Ragatha looked optimistic, Gangle worried, Zooble annoyed, Jax amused, and Kinger… Kinger. Whatever I decided to do probably wouldn’t please everyone, but I had to accept that and just go with whatever I felt was the best option.

“I dunno, maybe… hide and seek?”

Caine froze in place for a few seconds, as if he was buffering, and then sprang back to life.

“Excellent choice!”

With a snap of his fingers, I was teleported to somewhere I didn’t recognize. I was floating in place in a void of some sort, but not the same void I got stuck in the day before. It was pitch black, and almost felt suffocating. It felt like the space itself was small, but I couldn’t move far enough in any direction to prove it.

Then, even stranger, I could hear Caine’s voice, though it sounded like it was coming from underneath me somehow.

“Alright, everyone! Today’s adventure is… Find Pomni! Your new friend is hidden somewhere in this Amazing Digital Circus, and you’ll have to work together to find her! But it won’t be easy! Make sure you check everywhere, she might be someplace you wouldn’t expect! Now, get to it, superstars!”

After he finished speaking, I was hit with a sudden sensation that felt like I was moving really fast, even though I wasn’t going anywhere. The kind of feeling I got when Caine was giving me a tour. But that didn’t make sense, there was no sign of him anywhere.

“Uh… Caine? What’s going on? Where am I?”

I didn’t get a response. Instead, I felt something grab me and drag me down. The endless darkness was replaced with the bright and cheery colors of the circus all at once, but my eyes immediately went straight to Caine, who was now massive and holding me in his hand.

“Would you look at that! I pulled Pomni out of my hat!”

My first instinct was to panic. Squirming, kicking, screaming, it was all useless, but I was desperate.

There was a combination of confusion and concern in Caine’s eyes as I struggled in his grasp. How did he not expect me to hate this?

“Whoa there, no need to panic! It’s just me, your old pal Caine!”

“I’ve known you for less than 24 hours.”

“Haha, right! But there’s nothing to be afraid of, Pomni. This is all just part of the adventure! You see, the others have played hide and seek before numerous times, and they know all the typical hiding places, so I thought it would make things more challenging if you were smaller and harder to find!”

I kept helplessly struggling, but he made no moves to release me. He just kept watching.

“C-Can you put me down now?”

It finally hit him that I didn’t like being held, and he complied, setting me down on the floor with a pat on the head.

“There ya go! Now, I’ll leave you to go find a place to hide! Good luck!”

He disappeared before I could say anything else, and I was once again alone in this nightmarish circus. Only this time, it was much, much worse.

I could feel my heart racing as I looked at my surroundings. The circus was already huge to begin with, but everything at this perspective looked 10x more threatening. Part of me wanted to be found as soon as possible so I could return to my normal size, but I also didn’t want to think about encountering the others like this.

All I could do was hide.