#// but ive had two people ask me how to do the gradient text

[so2uv]

im tired of being nice

[wackywheel]

c!connor fic rec masterpost!

[img id.] a row of melon blocks, filtered with a gradient of pale purple, blue, and green so that they look pastel. in the bottom left, text reads, “please read these fics they’re so good.” in the bottom right, a sign reads, “eat pant conar.” [end id.]

i talked about making one of these a while back and finally got around to combing thru the tags to compile fics for it so, yo! if you're a fan of c!connor, are looking to figure out how best to characterize him for your own works, just wanna read about him, or any combination of the former, you're in luck!

while the main criteria for stuff to make it on here is that it characterizes connor accurately, nearly all of these are also just fics that i personally like LOL so while i'll try to be as objective as i can for the sake of my fellow c!connor enjoyers, i must be entirely transparent w y'all that this is mostly just fics that i, personally, really like. ...which is technically the purpose of fic rec posts anyways, but i digress...

fics are below the readmore! ↴

ok the way ive ordered all of these is both in categories of.. sort of pseudo genres ? basically theyre just paired/grouped up according to their premise, as well as loosely chronological according to ao3's recently updated filter!

(also, fics with an *asterisk before them are ones that i personally am biased about bc of who wrote them LOL)

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"connor is a god" fics

basically, these fics primarily focus on the hc of connor being a god/immortal that was very popular back before we saw much of him, beyond his appearances in his two tales episodes! while i'm not a huuuge fan of this hc, nor do i really have much to say individually about each fic, i still wanna give these fics props for setting the bar very high when it comes to treating c!connor with respect, reverence, and most of all agency, especially so early on during the post-nov16th months!

There Are Answers Here by angeloncewas

the constant by diapason

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connor & some/all of benchtrio fics

exactly what it says on the tin, this group of fics focuses on connor's relationships with other characters, but primarily with one, more, or all of benchtrio!

Stray Italian Greyhound by akuli holy shit this fic is an absolute classic when it comes to early c!connor content... connor confronts glatt in a very unique way that, honestly? i've rarely seen depicted when it comes to the two interacting! following that, though, connor and tubbo sit down and talk about schlatt in a wholly honest and cathartic way.

*Here Comes the Sun by BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk here it is! the first of many, many, of beatrix's fics i'm gonna rec to y'all! okay to be honest, clingyduo's inclusion in this fic is very very minor if we're gonna dig into semantics, but i otherwise had no idea where else to put this because of how genuinely unique it was for its time! (its time being pre-s2 finale) an indepth study of connor's hypothetical interactions with ghostbur here, flashbacks explaining schlatt's ties to the revive book there, this oneshot absolutely killed it, especially so early on in the lifespan of connor-centric works!

Ask No Guarantees by angeloncewas another connor & tubbo fic! there's an alternate reality where i became a devout c!tubbling i'm absolutely sure of it. to summarize it shortly, the two bond over their dead best friends! wahoo grief! there's also some very interesting discussion of in-universe religion which is always very fun imo!

*advice you’ve given other people that was really about yourself by antfrost ok here we go, first fic from beloved mutual connor timedeo lets go lets go character study of connor using conversations with benchtrio as a vehicle fuck YES sir this fic is great. i am an absolute sucker for character analysis, even when it's just little exchanges and acts of kindness from one hurt person to another (also in all honesty this fic was the one that made me change the section title to benchtrio instead of just tubbo/clingyduo LMAO)

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"connor showed up too late" fics

angst time bitches! despite how much c!connor's backstory is built upon angst, and how much i love the little guy, i'm honestly not a huge fan? anyways i fucking love these fics regardless so i think that must say something either about me or them. you decide

Brutus Is An Honorable Man by 2point5 if stray italian greyhound was a classic, then this fic is literally a loadbearing pillar of the c!connor fanbase. holy SHIT is she one iconic collection of words. the premise is pretty simple, connor shows up too late after getting a letter from schlatt asking him to come. he and quackity talk about schlatt. it does not go well. i cannot stress enough though. read this fic. like this is required reading this is canon its 100% canon cc!connor called me and said it is (lying) (theres just a lot of headcanons i like in it im biased) (not joking about the required reading part though)

People Die Every Day, I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way by orojiratsu ...and if brutus is an honorable man was required reading, then this fic is extra credit! ...literally! as in it was actually inspired by the last fic! very similar premise, but the author gets much more into detail about the aftermath of nov16th, including tubbo's reaction to connor's past with schlatt, as well as lending connor a bit more agency when it comes to going toe to toe with quackity's reaction to schlatt's death.

Lay here with me until the years go by. by zrkk a very short oneshot, but really impactful all the same! one thing i really commend this oneshot for is that despite its length, the author manages to get connor's verbal reactions to schlatt's death nearly spot on. go give it a read!

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"connor reviving / rescuing schlatt" fics

yessssss we're getting into the good stuff, the struggles that end either happily or bittersweetly all the same. these are fics that i constantly find myself rereading when i'm missing c!connor, and cannot reccomend literally all of them enough!

*The Friends We Refuse to Abandon by BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk ok this is what i meant before by many of beatrix's fics lol this fic is like. another one that's literally required reading if u like c!connor bc it has absolutely everything u could ask for. connor reviving and reuniting with his bestie? having agency in the narrative? helping people just for the sake of helping them? you name it, we got it here.

twenty thousand years of this by rosewitchx GOD this fic is so fucking iconic as well. i absolutely consider it required reading as well, bc both this one and the last one fill their niche incredibly well rosewitchx's writing and characterization of connor, as well as basically everyone else they write from what ive seen, is incredibly well researched and true to their characters, so this is definitely not the last fic of theirs im going to be reccing on this post lol similar premise to tfwrta, except connor wasn't the one to revive schlatt. regardless, he's still given the assertiveness and narrative agency when rescuing schlatt that makes this fic super cathartic to reread if you're craving that sort of thing! (also, this specific fic is from a series of the author's that explains certain headcanons much better than if you were to just read the fic in isolation. go give it a read over here!)

I'm Tired by Anonymous another short read, but still a very good one! props to anon! this fic emphasizes the 'bittersweet' point i made in this section's intro. schlatt has been revived, and he and connor have reunited, but at what cost of his own physical health?

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smplive-era connor fics

yessss fuck yes fuck YEESSS you people are NOT immune to me making you remember not only smplive, but that its CANON baybee its 100% CANON TO DSMP LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO

*Far In Time (we've got some catching up to do!) by connor6Silly wait hold on

*What Will Happen Will Happen by connor6Silly wait fuck these are literally all just my fics

bro did all of the good c!connor smplive fics all get purged or something ??? i literally cant find any that i like, let alone think characterized connor well bc they all do him so fucking dirtyyyy y'all its awful 😭 so uhh in lieu of that .. read my fics? pretty please? i have a whole promo post for the first one here if u wanna learn more :)

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syndicate/karl oriented connor fics

ok so if y'all know me, you know im a sucker for literally all of connor's relationships on the server that we never see actually explored canonically (s&c im talking about s&c) so to balance that out, here's his friendships that are like. actually fucking real! and tangible!

*THIS IS A PROTEST FOR YOUR HEART! by antfrost yessss another one of connor timedeo's fics this is sorrrt?? of?? an au? one where everything went a-okay on nov28th, and everyone in the syndicate is happy and alive and glad to be able to spend time together. connor especially! bc he has lots of people that are there to care for him now! very short, sweet, and fluffy!

*The Planet With a Thousand Sunsets by BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk another beatrix fic!!! and GOD this one is a lot of fun, as well as a companion fic to tfwrta! this fic goes all in on connor and karls friendship, framing it as if it were an actual tales episode with a cast list and everything! as of me making this post (5/22/22) the fic is not complete, so if y'all want to read more of it, i'd really suggest commenting and sharing what you liked about it! (but Do Not pester beatrix about if/when shes going to complete it bc if i hear that shits happening y'all will have hell to pay >:(((( )

*all the broken can find hope (in the most unexpected places) by BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk last fic of beatrix's, as well as another syndicate fic! yipee! now, technically this fic might be better suited to go into the final section of this post, but connor's inclusion is not only accurate enough, but also the setting is very much relevant enough for it to slide into here by means of relating to the syndicate. connor's role in this fic is mostly by means of an exploration of his friendship with schlatt, juxtaposing it with emeraldduo's own close bond. two bad bitches (close friendships that came long before the dsmp ever did) kicking ass together instead of fighting one another for relevancy you love to see it <3

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connor-centric au fics

so technically most of these fics could technically be classified as aus, but thats sort of just the state we're in when it comes to actual canonical content of c!connor. Anyways! here's some straight up 100% aus that very much are either in entire other settings, or diverge early on enough in the timeline that the result is completely unrecognizable from what actually happened in canon

god of arepo (series) by rosewitchx this next rosewitchx fic... isn't technically a fic, but a series! the god of arepo series is very much a product of its time (post-exile, pre-doomsday) but it's still 100% a classic in my eyes basically, this au shows the product of the world being entirely claimed by the egg, and how connor, with ghost sweaterduo in tow, deals with the aftermath. again, very much a product of its time, but i think that makes its state as a sort of fandom-time-capsule all the more appealing <3 break the cycle in half by rosewitchx holy shit this au is an absolute trip in the best way possible??? i've never consumed any of the madoka magica franchise, but you don't really even need to do that to understand the fic tbh after losing all of their loved ones to an unavoidable, inevitable disaster, connor and karl both become magical boys in order to go back in time and save those they lost or die trying

*and the universe said i love you by antfrost if i had a nickel for every c!connor centric meguca au there was on ao3, i would have exactly 2. which isn't a lot, but it's really funny that it's happened twice now! beloved mutual connor timedeo's take on the au is similar, yet still entirely unique on its own! after schlatt gets got during a mission, connor makes his wish to be a magical boy in order to save him. he does not know what he's getting into, to say the least </3

panacea by rosewitchx YESSSSSSS I GET TO TALK ABOUT THIS FIC again, technically it could be classified in the next section of this post, but i feel like the amount of canon divergence it features definitely earns it its place here! while the fic's actual author's notes give a better description of its context, i'll give y'all this quick synopsis- quackity figures out how to revive schlatt right after nov16th, but he comes back... a little different than he left the first time. thus, hijinks ensue.

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fics that aren't fully connor-centric, but still characterize him accurately enough that i'm reccing them

again, exactly what it says on the tin; these fics really don't focus too much on c!connor, so i won't go into much depth about them, but his cameos still pass with flying colors imo, so i'd absolutely reccomend em!

the definition of a dwarf planet by WreakingHavok a short and sweet pre-nov16th sweaterduo fic that recontextualizes a lot of their interactions with smplive as a focal point

when i’d make you oh-so afraid by rosewitchx charlie and connor, but the former especially, both grapple with schlatt’s death and how they feel about it.

I never, never want to go home by rosewitchx a look back at l’manberg, set a year since the 16th.

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aaaand there you have it, folks! a collection of the best of the best when it comes to c!connor! if y’all have other fics you really enjoy centering on mr eatspants, please feel free to send them to me in an ask! i’m sure there’s still just a little bit of gold hiding out in the swathes of badly mistagged fics that are flooding connor’s main tag atm -_-

but yes! i’ll probably update this within the next few months if any new, notable c!connor fics pop up, so keep an eye out!

[feel199x]

 boyfriend!chan

❣ summary: chan is working super hard for his next comeback, and he’s very clingy once he comes back. he’s also very adamant on being the best boyfriend you’ll ever have

❣ warnings: none,  i think!

❣ request: yes!

❣ a/n: i kinda,,, went overboard anon im sorry :( i hope u like it ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ  masterlist

Your boyfriend was super hard-working, and although you admired him for it, it was both his greatest personality aspect and his worst. Chan was an angel, he really was, but this comeback was absolutely tiring him out. He did his best to keep up with you and give you attention, but as the comeback approached, the messages got scarcer and scarcer. You weren’t upset with him because you knew that he was in an incredibly demanding field of work, and thus, couldn’t always give you his undivided attention. Chan still felt bad though and always spoiled you when he had free time. You scolded him every time, but he could never take you seriously with how flustered you always ended up. Chan was the kind of guy who went all out in everything he did, and this included gifts. For your year and half anniversary (was that even a thing people celebrated?) he had written you a song and given you a matching set of necklaces. Chris was just everything you could’ve asked for and more, he always listened and did his best to make the relationship run smoothly. Even when you had gotten insecure about dating him, thinking that he would fall for another idol or suddenly come to a realization that you weren’t good enough, he always reassured you. It had been nearly two years now, and coincidentally your anniversary was only a couple days after their first comeback stage.

You weren’t too worried about it, Chan always took this sort of thing very seriously. Even if he didn’t do anything too special, you wouldn’t get upset with him. He was a busy guy, and you were aware of this when you started to date him. It was actually Chris who was nervous about dating you, not because of the fans or media but because he feared not giving you the love, care, and attention that you deserved. Even with how understanding you were, you still missed him. It was a good thing exams were coming up because otherwise you would be getting nostalgic rereading the text messages between you and him. And you tried not to do that, you really did but studying was so boring and stressful, all you wanted to do was fall asleep with Chan. You were almost successful with your studying session, but you swore that you had heard your phone buzz. You nearly lept onto your bed, and no there weren’t any messages but, a break couldn’t hurt right?

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: hey babe im sorry for not giving you attention

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: ive just been swamped with work

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: i miss u and im three secs away from abandoning my kids. i am so tired. i love you baby

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: by the way did you change my contact name?

you: its okay chris! dont worry about it, work is a priority. I love you too :(

you: and yes!

you: sent an image

the nice guy whojust has a lot of money: im divorcing u and leaving you with the kids

you: no please im not ready to be a single parent

you: channie please i love u

the nice guy who just has a lot of money: okay for love i guess

the nice guy who has just has a lot of money: i guess...i really am a nice guy who just has a lot of money

the nice guy who just has a lot of money: i have to go, i’ll try calling later but no promises. i miss and love you lots baby

you: oh mYGOD

you: please remember to rest babe, i love and miss u too

You sighed, shutting off your phone and holding it against your chest. He hadn’t called that day, nor since. You understood that he had responsibilities, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, you guess. Their comeback stage was tomorrow, and they were driving over to a city who’s name you forgot. You would’ve gone, if you hadn’t had finals all day and it was hours away. You felt terrible for not being able to go out and support him but Chan insisted that you stayed and rested instead of taking a bus up to their stage. You loved that man, you really did. You glared at the textbook on your desk, hoping that it would suddenly set combust into flames. But alas, you were but a mortal. Before resuming your studying, you pulled at your desk drawer to reread the motivational sticky notes that Chan would always leave around your place. You sighed, looking over the sticky notes that have since lost their sticks but made your face warm just staring at it.

Like mate, stop procrastinating!

If you get better than a passing grade i’ll let you yell at me about sleeping

Do you know how smart you are? You’re like Einstein, if he was hot

I love you but i’ll love you a little less if you fail

You smiled to yourself, your cheeks hurting and flustered from the notes. You must’ve been a patron saint in your past life because he was just, amazing. You really hoped there was a future in store for the two of you, because he made you feel like it was your first time falling in love all over again. He made you weak in the knees, and always made you feel like you were the only one for him. Maybe it was a little silly how those sticky notes motivated you, but whatever worked, right? You continued to review the notes, Chan’s voice nagging you about the formulas you hadn’t quite memorized yet in your head. But eventually, your eyes grew weary and you shut off your desk lamp, collapsing onto your bed.

Exams were, in short, not fun. You were fairly sure you had passed, but only by the hair on your head. Maybe it was the anxiety speaking- you had yet to completely flunk an exam, but it could always happen. You’d worry about that in a couple weeks, it was future you’s problem. Right now, all you wanted was to eat take-out and watch Stray Kid’s comeback. It was fairly late when you got back home, the light outside already dimming and fading to a night gradient. You watched the clock anxiously, waiting for their stage to air on TV.

You were never one to overreact, but something about seeing your boyfriend doing what he loved on stage, seeing all his hard work pay off- it made you yell at the screen. It made you yell in the same way a sports fan yells at the players and refs, and only Chris could do this to you. As soon as his stage ended, you texted him, hyping him up. You knew he’d be doing a live shortly after, but at least he’d see it soon enough. Unfortunately, you collapsed in the middle of his live, exhaustion finally catching up with you. You thought your phone buzzed again but being half-asleep you brushed it off.

“___! ___, get up!”

“Love of mine, light of my life, shh…”

You groaned but laughed as he pulled at your arms. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he pulled you closer. “I missed you,” he murmured against your lips, pressing a kiss on them, “I’m sorry about being gone so much.” You tilted your head, smiling at him. “Hey,” you said softly, cupping your face, “Don’t worry about it, let’s get some sleep. Actually, what time is it?”

“Three am.”

“Chris!”

“Look,” he whined, “You can’t yell at me I drove six hours to be with you.” He threw you over his shoulder, “Plus, we’re going to sleep, like right now. I’ll even sleep in.” He flopped you on your bed and you crossed your arms as he took off his shirt, wiggling your eyebrows. “Wow,” you teased, “He’s hot.”

“You’re so gross,” he murmured, laying his head on your chest but not before leaving butterfly kisses up your collarbone, “How did the test go?” You sighed, playing wth his head of curly hair. “It went okay, I think. But this isn’t about me. Your stage was amazing, you did great. Phenomenal, spectacular, fantastic, ground-breaking-”

“Alright!” he sighed, “I don’t deserve you.” He tightened his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulder again. “Oh, Chris don’t start,” you scolded softly, “You’re the greatest boyfriend ever, and you work really hard. Now, shut up and go to sleep.”

“You have such a way with words, I’m swooning.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.”

“Impossible-”

“Hm? What? I can’t hear you over the enormous amount of sleep I’m getting.”

You groaned, moving to rub your eyes but finding Chan’s arms tightly wound around you. “Don’t even think about it,” his voice was raspy and low, “I got it.”

“Chan,” you whined, “You have to eat, just stay in-”

“Later.”

You sighed again, and Chris pulled you closer pressing lazy kisses up your neck and jaw. His eyes were still closed, and you looked at him dreamily. His hair was messy, and he looked so much more relaxed, muscles less tight and tense. He was under so much stress, and it was good to see him finally take a break, even if it was only for a couple of hours. You fell asleep against his chest, feeling each heartbeat against the side of your face. And maybe you should’ve felt a little bad for waiting until he fell into a deep sleep to wriggle out of his arms (which was weirdly difficult, the guy had a strong grip) to make him breakfast. You weren’t sure what diet he was on, but you were sure that no one would mind if he cheated just a little bit.

“____! Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

You exhaled, biting the inside of your cheek as you heard him step into the kitchen, trying your best to ignore. He hugged you from the back, letting his head rest on your shoulder, kissing the nape of your neck. “I told you we could do it later.”

“Well, it is later, Chan.”

“But we could’ve just ordered something,” he whined, “Come back to bed, please.”

“After I make you breakfast.”

“I really hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this.”

“Come to wh-?”

He picked you up, throwing you over his shoulder. “Chris put me down or I swear-”

“No,” he sat on top of you, “We’re ordering in, and we’re going to eat in bed and stay here until we become one with the bed.”

“You’re crushing me,” you groaned, “Get off you bum.”

“It’s the diet they’ve got me on, I’ve got hella gains, man.”

“Yeah I saw your thrist trap on insta, you hoe.”

“It’s not a thirst trap!”

“Well, I don’t know about that. Have you read the comments?”

“Now, listen-”

“Shut up,” you propped yourself up and kissed him, and as he leaned into it, you pushed him off.

“You play so, so dirty,” he whined, “Come here and make it up to me.” You snorted but rolled into his arms anyway. “I love you,” you said and stared at him, “A lot. Even with your hella gains, man.” He cupped your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks. “But I love you most.” You opened your mouth so protest, but he shushed you with a kiss. “Don’t start,” he said in between gasps of deep kisses, “Just let me spoil you.”

It had been a couple days since their first stage, and later that day Chris needed to go back to the dorms to tend to his children. He insisted on staying longer, but Woojin was blowing up his phone. You guessed that the group got themselves in another mess. Your anniversary was coming up, and this was the first time you were scared that he forgot. He was usually much better about this than you, and always went a bit too far with his gifts. You had already got his present, an expensive chain necklace you took extra shifts to pay for, but it was worth it when the jeweler handed you the chain. You loved the idea of people getting their boyfriends flowers, so you got an arrangement made. You even had a photo album made of your favorite moments together, and songs that were attached to those moments. Okay, maybe it was a little corny, but you worked hard on it. Chan hadn’t messaged you since then, and you assumed it was because he was busy, but you were getting antsy.

And just like you had before, you nearly jumped to your phone when you heard your phone buzz.

iron man in the streets but better than tony: check under your bed

you: ?? okay

You crouched on the floor, pulling out a simple box, and inside of it was silk clothing with a card with an address and time stamp on it.

you: chris

you: what have you done

you: CHRISTOPHER

you: IM GOING TO END YOU

you: YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T GOING OVERBOARD

you: YOU IDIOT YOU HAVE READ RECEIPTS ON

You’d be lying if there wasn’t a stupid grin on your face as you put on your attire. It took you a while to get ready, work and school hadn’t exactly given you room for self-care but you tried your best to look nice. You looked up the address, and much to your dismay, it was an overpriced fine dining restaurant. The cab driver gushed over your date, complimenting you and wishing you the best of luck on your future endeavours, even blessing your marriage. It was a little weird, but endearing. You hadn’t even called a cab, but instead you got a message saying your ride was there.

You expected Chan to be outside waiting for you outside, but instead, you were greeted by a very nice waiter who’s name you didn’t catch. He beckoned you to follow him. The restaurant was pantheon themed, very airy and light colors decorating the entire place. It was definetly the nicest restaurant you’ve ever been to, but you thought the same thing for your year and half anniversary too. You clutched onto your gifts awkwardly, and the waiter helped you carry the bouquet of flowers.

“Any chance you can tell me what else he has planned?” “Afraid not, he warned me about this.”

“Smart man.”

You were sat at a table in the center, the stained glass letting a pool of warm colors illuminate the room and everyone’s faces. The flowers sat delicately on your lap, and the jewelry box laid on tope of the table, your fingers dancing across it’s edges. That’s when you heard the violins start playing, crowding around your table and playing a dainty tune. You felt a blush creep on your cheeks as you rubbed them, trying to smile less. And there he was, on top of the small stage meant for the classical instrument players to sit on. You wanted to glare at him, but all you could do was smile at his gestures. He winked at you, beginning to sing a song. You were about to cry, rubbing your eyes as the song ended.

“Was I that bad?”

“No, god, no,” you pulled out the flowers and handed it to him, “I know that can’t be the end of it, so let me give these to you.” He looked through the photo album, pursing his lips as tears brimmed at the brink of his eyes. He opened the jewelry box, pulling out the fancy chain necklace you had gotten him. “Oh, baby,” he murmured, “Did you pick up extra shifts for these? You shouldn’t have…”

“Chan, literally look at everything you planned, and say that to my face again.” He smiled, pulling the chain over his head so he could wear it with his suit. You decided that he looks best while wearing fancy suits like this. Perfectly tailored to him, even if bits of chest was visible through his half-buttoned shirt. “You’re right though,” he said, “I’m not done.” He pulled out a little box out of a pocket from inside his jacket. “It’s a promise ring,” he said as he slid it across the table, “You are the love of my life, ____, and I think it’s a bit too early to full-on propose to you, but I want to make the promise that I will one day.”

You opened the box, the expensive ring nearly blinding you as the warm light hit it. “God, I hate you so much, Chris,” tears were streaming at your face, a smile glued to your face.

“Do you like it?”

“No.”

“No? We could change it- or replace it? Or-”

“I love it, and you so much.”

“I love you most.”

“No-”

“Shh,” he kissed you, “Don’t start.”

[riftp]

Read It For The Pictures 26: Immortal Men by Jim Lee, Ryan Benjamin, and James Tynion IV

NK:Hello and welcome to Read it For the Pictures, the comic book Blog for read it for the Pictures! I’m Neil Kapit and with me as always is the man who’s been stealing my Vegemite, Dave Clarke! How you doin’ Dave?

DC: I’m doing alright, but let’s not pretend you’ve ever eaten vegemite :P Anyway, today we have Immortal Men #1, a comic that dares to ask the question “if a pictures worth a thousand words than what is a picture next to a thousand words worth?”

NK: You'd figure that a comic from an Artist-Driven imprint, especially one done by the company's Co-Publisher and most famous artist, would be able to keep unnecessary text to a minimum. That’s just one thing wrong with this.

DC: He asked, musing over this confusing issue with his cohost. The intentions of the creators alluded him, vexed him with their contradictions. It would take more investigation to get to the bottom of this mystery.

NK: Jim Lee’s style may not be to everyone’s taste, but nobody can deny his influence on the way people draw superheroes. And unlike, say, Rob Liefeld, he’s got the technical foundations behind his flashy excesses. Though he also is infamous for not meeting deadlines due to the detail of his work, which is why some of the pages of this first issue are fill-ins by Ryan Benjamin. Specifically, the scenes with protagonist Caden Park in his day to day life.

DC: Oh yeah, funnily enough they didn’t stick out to me as being done by a different artist. The expressions are a little weird, but my instinct was to chalk that up to a script that changed after they were drawn.

NK: Note how Jim Lee gets to draw all the big action scenes while the boring stuff like characterization and conversation (that's not just monologuing) is outsourced. Ryan Benjamin was an artist at WildStorm in its early days, so as someone from the school of early Image, he seemed a good fit if you had to get a fill in on the first issue of a book that's been delayed by four months from its originally solicited date.

(And I checked out some of Benjamin's original work on his own comics and as an artist on video games, and it's definitely worth seeing. Because I felt bad just writing him off as a poor man's Jim Lee, so I'll put the link to his site here.): https://ryanbenjamin.com/

DC: Calling the characterization scenes boring is unfair, the secret world of rejected wildC.A.T.S designs is also boring.

NK: But yeah, this is basically WildCATS all over again, which itself was X-Men all over again, all of them sticking to a Mad Libs about outlaw superhero team stories. At least time none of the women are in a thong. Well, I guess Stray (the furry one) is referred to as a "good girl" is wearing just a vest, but she doesn't count because her skin is fully covered. We find this out in the only two pages that the Immortal Men themselves get characterization.

DC: I’ve got one take that I was able to squeeze out of this comic, and that is that it’s Harry Potter if Rowling was interested in Bloodstrike rather than European folklore. Down to a main character being pulled into a secret hidden world by a large bearded man by way of a train.

NK: I was able to discern a little bit about Caden and his parents from the art and dialogue alone, but nothing to get them out of the very tight boxes that are their narrative roles. And you’d think that taking place in the DC Universe, the parents would be a little less skeptical about their son’s weird super dreams.

DC: There’s an offhand reference to “there’s no secret heroes out there” by the Batman Who Laughs which raises all sorts of questions.

NK: In addition to the wordiness, we also have three villains with three different fonts and word balloon styles, plotting in the shadows. One of whom is The Batman who Laughs from DC: Metal, an alternate Batman turned into the Joker at his most Satanically tedious.

DC: Rather than being distinct it just blurs together, using the same 90s gradients for the text boxes didn’t help.

NK: And the weird Joker clone’s design looks understated next to the two Jim Lee-designed villains, The Infinite Woman and The Hunt.

DC: Rather than go around in circles on the plot of this (and risk revealing that I’m not actually good at reading comprehension) let discuss what this book means in context of the other new DC books.

NK:  So in the shadow of all the other weirdness in the DC Universe, there's this one family House of Immortals that's been hunted almost to extinction by another family House of Immortals, and the surviving Immortal Men are looking for the boy who I guess is the Chosen One who can turn the tide. At least there aren’t any guest-stars shoe-horned in here like in Damage, thus indicating some confidence in the book’s ability to stand freely. The Batman Who Laughs seems here to give it a connection to the larger DCU, though he doesn't seem to have any reason for helping The Infinite Woman beyond getting to kill for lulz.

DC: I meant more in a meta sense, each of the other new boos felt like a contained pitch, twitch steamer hero, a mother whos’ a hero, the hulk by way of MGS military paranoia, a poor hero… nd now... this incomprehensible nonsense

NK: It's comprehensible, there's just not much to comprehend from this issue alone. We have little to no idea who these characters are beyond their roles from a plot perspective. It's not enough just to name a character "Ghostfist". Perhaps all the dialogue is the writer's attempt to take these page layouts and give them some character, but the only parts where he can do that are on the tiny tiny panels in the two page "obligatory team introduction" sequence.

DC: Immortal men #1 - I’m not a fan, thanks for tuning in folks

NK: You're not getting off that easy, we still have a lot of designs to laugh at. For example, the Campus. "You got your Great Pyramid of Giza in my Hall of Justice! You got your Hall of Justice in my Great Pyramid of Giza! "

DC: I suppose the pyramid is more of an Illuminati connection than an Egypt or Inca connection.

NK: It still looks like two radically different buildings dumped on each other rather than a single structure with a unified design. The Hunt, the baddie with a goldfish scale shirt, pitch black metal boots, and fur collar, at least has the excuse that they might all be trophies from previous conquests he did for Conquest. Oh yeah, and the bad guys’ House is literally named Conquest.

DC: Oh, you mean kraven the hunter?

NK: How can one comic have so many words and still read so fast?

DC: Perhaps this is just for a different audience, maybe much younger versions of Dave and Neil would have picked through this novella with a few pictures for clues on what’s coming up.

NK: Rule #1 for doing a superhero team book called the Immortal Men; on your first issue, actually have it focus on the Immortal Men. My money may well be better spent on other things, but I'll be reading the next issue because I'm already a demon and heaven's not my kind of place anyway. Put another one in the jar, it's like the Philosopher's Legacy at this point. Make that two.

DC: I’m wresting control back next week and we’re not doing a DC book :D

NK: Hopefully it'll actually have a brighter color palette, all the sections drawn by Jim Lee needed a lamp. Also, I don't know what the Immortal Man Reload's ( the Moon Knight looking guy) deal is, but I assume that he can reload his guns after firing a single bullet without wasting the entire clip, like a video game character

DC: Honestly I’m forgetting chunks of this comic with each passing minute.

NK: “ I can feel my mind going, Neil. “ “ I’m afraid I can’t allow you to do that, Dave. “

DC: <insert picture of HAL in an accubra hat here>

NK: You and your crazy culture. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got Tide Pods to eat.

Tabl

[jooces]

1: is there a boy/girl in your life? nope

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? nope

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” kitty

4: what’s something you really want right now? to go on break lol

5: are you afraid of falling in love? i don’t really buy it anymore shit hurts everytime im kindof ever the whole notion

6: do you like the beach? love it

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? yep

8: what’s the background on your cell? gradient

9: name the last four beds you were sat on? what? mine ..

10: do you like your phone? no

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned? no

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? idk tbh

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? rottweiler

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? art museum

16: are you tired? yes

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact? since i was born lmao idk since ive had a phone

18: are they a relative? yea +my wife

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? everyone was mean to me, so yes (no)

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? we don’t speak anymore

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? no stay away from my money lmao

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again? nope no no thank you

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? 0

24: is there a certain quote you live by? if you don’t ask the answer will always be no.

25: what’s on your mind? unrequited lurv - self inflicted sadness

26: do you have any tattoos? yea

27: what is your favorite color? pale blue/hunter green

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips? never again

29: who are you texting? some friends

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yes why are you making me think about him

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? yes

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you? yes *ugh*

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yes

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? good for you bro move on

36: were you single on valentines day? no

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed? no!!

38: what do your friends call you? bars

39: has anyone upset you in the last week? yes

40: have you ever cried over a text? no

41: where’s your last bruise located? idk

42: what is it from? prob knocking into a corner of a table

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? now

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with? moh!

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes? i love my sandals

46: do you wear hats if you’re having a bad hair day? yes

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style? no

48: do you make supper for your family? no

49: does your bedroom have a door? yes

50: top 3 web-pages? umad.net imahater.org wow.gov

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping? yes

52: does anything on your body hurt? my back my ears

53: are goodbyes hard for you? depends on who

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? beer probably

55: how is your hair? pulled back

56: what do you usually do first in the morning? roll up

57: do you think two people can last forever? yes

58: think back to january 2007, were you single? yes

59: green or purple grapes? yurple

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug? when i see someone worthy of one lol

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now? yes

62: when will be the next time you text someone? soon

63: where will you be 5 hours from now? in front of the mic, hopefully not frustrated but probably frustrated

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning. commuting to work

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked? yes

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes but i gotta fallback from em

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today? no

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night? he aint eva gon lurb me OH im so happy i gave up meat OHOH let me get high and forget what i just thought

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes

70: how many windows are open on your computer? 2 windows a million tabs

71: how many fingers do you have? 10

72: what is your ringtone? generic

73: how old will you be in 5 months? 25 ew

74: where is your mum right now? home

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? they’re in love w someone else! it’s cool

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? no

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? some more than others

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? wtf is year 7

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike? yes

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months? none

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? roommates

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight? doubt it

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? maria

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? lol

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? i don’t remember

87: who was your last received call from? unknown number

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? yes

89: what is something you wish you had more of? money

90: have you ever trusted someone too much? no

91: do you sleep with your window open? yes

92: do you get along with girls? yes!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? no

94: does sex mean love? no

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? lol not really but like smh would rather not

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? no

97: did you sleep alone this week? yes

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? i guess

99: do you believe in love at first sight? no

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise? not sure..