heyjust12amthoughts - Tumblr blog

[heyjust12amthoughts]

"You'll never come across a person who's perfect . You'll never find a partner who doesn't disappoint you at one point" - Kristie Taylor

I am currently in a relationship with my partner for almost 11 months now . Despite how we are nearly embarking our anniversary, there were still a lot of questions, insecurities, and disappointments that pop out here and there. Sadly, it made me question my choices to commit with him. I was scared of the possible fact that everything that happened was forced, insincere, and untrue. Not until I've read this book called " What I wish I knew about love " by Kristie Taylor. I'm actually only halfway done from reading it but it was enough for me to realise a lot of things that was happening and swirling in my messy mind. And the silver lining that struck me so bad, that made me more assure of what I was doing, was the line that I will never find a perfect partner. That it was normal that at some point, our partner will disappoint us . The acknowledgement of disappointment and imperfection gave me hope that I should not let go. That growth can happen even if we are in a relationship with another person. I do feel like I'm a bad person acknowledging that yes I do abandon people immediately instead of confronting and asserting the feelings of hurt that I've felt because of their action . This habit of mine lead to having no strong relationships with peers. Relationships are between two people who can fix issues and grow together ; not people who get along . I guess i do have a long way to go to understand relationships and learning as him and I go along . My greatest fear is the unknown and trying to fight against the tides will for sure be a long ride for me. For now , I'll do my best to open my eyes and take the leap at the present. But hey just 12 am (3 am ) thoughts :)

[heyjust12amthoughts]

kirokaze

[heyjust12amthoughts]

Story time ( And yes, I just want to know if its valid to feel this way ) Apparently , I have noticed that my coworkers have started giving me cold shoulders. And my Overthinking ass just got triggered and started to self reflect. I have come to the realization that I have become 'not helpful' and ' not initiative ' when it comes to the work ; I did felt bad about that and i feel genuinely sorry that I have become complascent . But I guess what hurt me is the fact that they didn't confronted me about it . I guess, being criticized is much better than receiving the cold shoulder as if I am not existing and all. Professionally , in my opinion this could have been approached in a better way but what I have received from them doesn't feel right at all. I felt bad that they have been back stabbing me ( I accidentally saw their convos in their phone . P.S. They left it open) , knowing that in a year that we have been working together I thought somehow we had that openess to tell things( the trust I gave ) if I am doing something wrong and such . SOOOOOO now I'm just isolating myself from them trying my best to just do work and change my ways. But how they broke my heart probably can't be mend.

“Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticize who they think you are.”

— Unknown

[heyjust12amthoughts]

“If I have learned anything over this last year it’s that you have to live your own life too so that if something we hoped for doesn’t work out, you still have two legs to stand on, you still have your own path.”

— T.S. Krupa

[heyjust12amthoughts]

I was trying to organize myself...

And while I was scurrying over the courses and trainings I need to accomplish in my job, my mind wandered over the fact that investing on one's self is undeniably important.( and its hard to admit that in my young mind, learnings from college was enough-- guess what? it's not AHAHA ). I have ventured a different branch in my career path but still in the same niche and I realized how much I can still grow. I've been thinking of studying (the field I am venturing now) again but I don't know if it's a good strategy to do so since I also have plans on studying Deutsch ; for probable future plans. Moreover , my head has been pushing me to take time and study writing blogs ( and if the world permits, allow me to earn a living from it) . Pondering thoughts had me thinking, " hey, you know what you have so much yet to discover and I guess it's about time to start ". But hey , just 12 am thoughts :)

[heyjust12amthoughts]

End of Feb thoughts: Mid 20s crisis

I've decided to take a deep breath and dwell in my thoughts once again. Now that I am turning 25 this year , I've realized that the plans I once had back when I was young where too much ??(too ambitious). Remember when they told us that whenever we create ideas for our science projects, it should be feasible? Turns out when we are too young to know that the world is harsher and harder than we thought , we tend to become enthusiastic of reality. Not that it's a bad thing but the point is , it feels really frustrating when the realism just decides to slap its big, fat palms in your face; shaking your ground until you question every decision you have done in your life. Where I am today is something my 18 years old self wouldn't expect herself to be. She would probably have the bittersweet feelings about her 24 years old version. Either way, I know she would still be proud of herself. There are times when I stop and ask myself if I am alone in this occurring dilemma in my head. Am I the only one who tends to overthink about the future and question every past choices ever made? But at the same time, I am also laughing at the fact that I am worrying about such trivial things. In the end , we are all alone in creating every chapter of our life time here in this world. And I think this is where how we see things come into play. A glass may be half full or half empty and the way we look at such will be the way we see the progress we have made in our mid twenties. But hey! Just 12 am thoughts :)

[heyjust12amthoughts]

Hey 3 years after ...

I've decided to come back and realized I have all the night shift to clear up all the cobwebs in this stagnant page. While waiting for this shift to end, I have realized that my heart for writing ( typing ) my thoughts still hasn't left my system ( and I think it will forever remain up until my last breath LOL). In all honesty, I didn't stop writing at all. In the past three years my thoughts were encapsulated on different medias; journals , word documents, phone notes, and twitter posts. sooo yeah I might pop out every now and then and hoping that someday people will be able to read the ideas I want to share HAHAHA

[heyjust12amthoughts]

So...

I told myself im gonna be consistent on filling up this blank space but AHHAHAHAHA look at me talking to no one but myself. So sad

[heyjust12amthoughts]

One random 12 am

Them : In one word , explain how you feel atm

me: ... U G H

[heyjust12amthoughts]

I realized life is so messed up. You get one chance to live your life knowing that any moment it can be taken away from you. But hey ,YOLO

heyjust12amthoughts

[heyjust12amthoughts]

12 am # 1

The night is about to end. The sky is dark but no stars are on sight. The temperature doesn’t seem to be lowering and I can’t sleep from the feeling . Can’t help but think of the times when the weather is wet and cold. The night is alive with the rain drops beating the windows and rooftop. The smell of the wet soil from the outside mixing the moist room in the inside just completes that nostalgic feeling; reminding us that the night is quiet with the rain. You feel warm and cozy inside your room and then suddenly you remember the cats outside trying to survive the cold night . 

Damn it. 

Now I really can’t sleep thinking about them poor babies :(

[heyjust12amthoughts]

So i just wanna start to let my thoughts flow in a media where anyone can know without my anxiety eating me out.